The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[hellymedic]

I just hit myself in the nose with the laundry basket, with a bit of help from a door.

It's a special dizzy kind of painful.

Fucksake.

As I discovered when I was 10 and at a playground break for a school entrance exam.
Hefty classmate was running, tripped into my back and sandwiched me face down into the gravel. Result: nose grazed and bleeding from both inside and out, plus cut knee.

Unsurprisingly, my return to the exam was delayed while they cleaned me up etc...

[FifeingEejit]

You're all reminding me of the time I whacked my chin off my knee and put my teeth through the bit below my lower lip.

It was a rather pathetic jump off a climbing frame, paper stitches and 5 years of orthodontics followed.

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[Jasmine]

I just hit myself in the nose with the laundry basket, with a bit of help from a door.

It's a special dizzy kind of painful.

Fucksake.

Sympathies. A few weeks ago I was wheeling my (green waste) bin down the road. The lid flipped up and hit me in the face (due to the gale force winds). It still hurts. 

[T42]

You're all reminding me of the time I whacked my chin off my knee and put my teeth through the bit below my lower lip.

It was a rather pathetic jump off a climbing frame, paper stitches and 5 years of orthodontics followed.

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Pathetic covers one of my greater mishaps too.  I jumped down a 6' bank in the forest and landed mostly on my right heel.  The soles & heels of my shoes were pretty solid rubber, and did nothing to absorb the impact. Result: cracked astragalus & torn cartilage, exacerbated by rubbing across crack.  Cartilage seems to have remained overly thin and fragile, and has plagued me on & off ever since it happened, 29 years ago. Latest manifestation was today as I turned up a steep bit in the wrong gear.

Wanna hear something ironic? Another word for the astragalus bone is the talus, and the French word for a bank such as I jumped down is talus.

[hellymedic]

British medics use the term 'talus'. I had not heard of the 'astragalus' before.
Perhaps others have...
This is the central bone in the ankle mortice; it has the fibula to the outside, the tibia to the top and inside and the heel bone (calcis/calcaneum) below. To the fore are the concave navicular bone and the wedgy cuneiforms.

[andrewc]

This is Talos.  Also done in by his ankle....  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdgY9vgRcRw&frags=pl%2Cwn

[Mrs Pingu]

I bought a new pair of trousers y'day. I didn't try them on cos I had an appointment with the pub. After the pub I put them somewhere safe where the cats wouldn't lie on them before I got round to trying them on.
I haven't quite figured out where that was yet...

[Cudzoziemiec]

Have you seen what the cats are wearing today?

[Kim]

Don't go to York!  (see trouser-related divvery passim)

[Jaded]

The safety overflow in the coffee machine is just big enough to take the flow when you forget to put a cup under the outflow...

[ian]

I, as the very epitome of chivalry, held open a door for the woman behind me today. She stopped dead and looked me in the face and I thought, oh no, is this a thing now, am I'm going to be added to an office-wide #metoo denunciation spreadsheet as 'unnecessary door holding patriarchal creep #4' and be forced to spend a week completing online microaggression assignments. "No thanks," she says and walks off.

It was only then that I realised I was holding open the door to the men's loo.

[rob]

Pumped the car tyres up in the dark using my front bike light as a torch last night.   Arrived at work to notice a distinctly light-free front light bracket.

Must be in the garage somewhere.   Mental note to knock off at 4:30 so as to get home in daylight.

[fimm]

Ian, I've done that in reverse (held the door of the ladies open to a man). Fortunately we just laughed when I realised what I was doing...

[ian]

It could have been worse, she could have followed me in.

No idea who she was, I suspect I may have terrorised an interviewee.

I've also done the stand-up-to-let-the-pregnant-lady sit to be told 'erm, I'm not...'

I'm a walking, talking social calamity.

[T42]

Best tactic is to be out-and-out rude, then you know what to expect.

[Wowbagger]

I have just written off our kettle in a very novel way.

For some reason that I could not fathom, our health-related thermometer seemed not to be functioning. I decided to see if I could get some mercury to go up the tube by holding it in the steam from the kettle which my dear wife was boiling for the express purpose of enjoying her morning cup of redbush.

The thermometer's bulb exploded and all the glass and mercury fell into the kettle. I don't think that any of us fancies mercury poisoning.

[PaulF]

You've got nothing on my mother-in-law. She put our kettle on the gas hob.


It was an electric kettle....

[Wowbagger]

You've got nothing on my mother-in-law. She put our kettle on the gas hob.


It was an electric kettle....

I suspect that that is relatively common though.

When I was a very young Bagger, circa 8 years old, there was an occasion on which I came home from school when my mother was out somewhere. We had a high-security system in which there was a back-door key hanging up in the shed.

My mother had included written instructions for stuff I should do when I got home, including the very specific "Light the gas under the kettle."

I did just that, and was a little surprised a few minutes later when molten metal found its way onto the stove top and the whole house reeked of a sort of coppery smell. After all, the instructions didn't mention filing the kettle up before I lit the gas...

[ian]

...
The thermometer's bulb exploded and all the glass and mercury fell into the kettle. I don't thnk that any of us fancies mercury poisoning.

The liquid mercury is fine, it's the vapour...

Oh, hot kettle. Run!

[andytheflyer]

You'll be fine.  I seem to remember pushing, with a finger, mercury around a wooden tray in the school chemmy lab some 50 odd years ago.  Then, blowing the asbestos dust off the samples in the minerals lab whilst doing geology at Uni.

I'm still here.

Maybe some bat-derived virus mutation from China will get me one day, if there ever were to be such a thing.

[T42]

The thermometer's bulb exploded and all the glass and mercury fell into the kettle. I don't think that any of us fancies mercury poisoning.

At least you resolved the issue of whether the thermometer worked or not.

Our chem lab benches contained mercury in commercial quantities. You could spend entire periods mining it with a compass-point.

[ElyDave]

I once did a decontamination job on a lab at Harwell, parquet floor with pints and pints of free mercury floating around underneath

[ian]

There's a guy on Youtube who floated himself in mercury. He wore wellies. You can float a huge iron anvil in a tank full of mercury, it bobs up and down like a rubber duck in a bathtub.

Liquid elemental mercury is very poorly absorbed through the skin or your gastrointestinal tract. Mercury vapour, on the other hand, gets everywhere quickly. The boiling point is around 350 degrees Celsius so there's not typically going to be much vapour at room temperature.

[Kim]

Is that the same guy who flushed a toilet^[1] with it (it worked) and squirted it through the gaps between his teeth?

Metallic mercury is Mostly Harmless, unless you're made of aluminium.  It's the salts and vapour you need to watch out for.  And, in the case of catastrophic thermometer failure, broken glass.


_{[1] Plumbled into a big bucket to catch the mercury.}

[ian]

I think it must be. He has a lot of mercury on hand (I'm jealous). I like the way he cleans it by simply wiping a kitchen towel across the surface.