Author Topic: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread  (Read 428635 times)

Cudzoziemiec

  • Ride adventurously and stop for a brew.
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1300 on: 08 March, 2019, 08:21:14 am »

I seem to live in my cycle jersey (it's merino wool, comfortable, and I'm cycling a lot...), it has pockets. This is great, I usually keep my phone in the left back pocket.

Today I was wearing a merino base layer, I went to put my phone in the back pocket of the jersey. *thunk*, oh right, not wearing it today. I'm awake. Honest.

J
Then there's the opposite, when you go to put something in your back pocket and, thunk, it isn't there. Because you've got a gilet over the top.
Riding a concrete path through the nebulous and chaotic future.

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1301 on: 08 March, 2019, 08:41:14 am »
Don't some humans have a 'must have something in the mouth' gene?

I'm sure it's not just labs...

YES!!!! That's it!!!! I now have an excuse for that foot firmly placed in same orifice.

T42

  • Apprentice geezer
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1302 on: 08 March, 2019, 08:44:07 am »
An apology.

Over the last 20 weeks my local cycling club have been running indoor winter training turbo sessions. I, despite not being a member have attended these sessions and at £44 for the whole lot, it is excellent value and very valuable in keeping what little fitness I have alive during the cold and dark nights.

They are a friendly bunch also who despite my lack of ability to mix in groups, welcomed and encouraged me. Indeed, at our recent “test” my 20 minutes power has increased by 16% since the first session. Most excellent.

However….they didn’t deserve what I did to them last evening. I am so sorry.

So, at the end of the session we do some stretching as part of the warm down. What I did not realise was that the seam on the bum part of my bib shorts had failed leaving at least 5cm of my hairy arse on display  :o  :sick:.  The coach came up to me after the session and suggested that I needed to get some new ones.

So, good people of Stafford RC, I am so sorry.

My old shorts didn't split on the club ride we once did, but the cloth just above the gluteal fold had worn so thin that I was sent to the back of the group. There are plenty of light-coloured shorts out there that are almost transparent from new, though - our club once had a complete delivery of shorts with a back panel that left nothing to the imagination.
I've dusted off all those old bottles and set them up straight

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1303 on: 08 March, 2019, 09:53:32 am »
An apology.

Over the last 20 weeks my local cycling club have been running indoor winter training turbo sessions. I, despite not being a member have attended these sessions and at £44 for the whole lot, it is excellent value and very valuable in keeping what little fitness I have alive during the cold and dark nights.

They are a friendly bunch also who despite my lack of ability to mix in groups, welcomed and encouraged me. Indeed, at our recent “test” my 20 minutes power has increased by 16% since the first session. Most excellent.

However….they didn’t deserve what I did to them last evening. I am so sorry.

So, at the end of the session we do some stretching as part of the warm down. What I did not realise was that the seam on the bum part of my bib shorts had failed leaving at least 5cm of my hairy arse on display  :o  :sick:.  The coach came up to me after the session and suggested that I needed to get some new ones.

So, good people of Stafford RC, I am so sorry.

My old shorts didn't split on the club ride we once did, but the cloth just above the gluteal fold had worn so thin that I was sent to the back of the group. There are plenty of light-coloured shorts out there that are almost transparent from new, though - our club once had a complete delivery of shorts with a back panel that left nothing to the imagination.

Riding home from Leeds one summer evening, a bunch of 'likely lads' slow down, window open and bellow at me "Oi mate, did you know we can see your arse through your shorts?"

"Why are you looking?" I retort

Their jaws hang slack for a second or two, then gain horrified looks before the driver floors it and they vanish up the road in a huff.

They were right though. Those shorts had gone right transparent.
<i>Marmite slave</i>

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1304 on: 08 March, 2019, 01:31:07 pm »
Don't some humans have a 'must have something in the mouth' gene?

I'm sure it's not just labs...

YES!!!! That's it!!!! I now have an excuse for that foot firmly placed in same orifice.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
"Yes please" said Squirrel "biscuits are our favourite things."

hellymedic

  • Just do it!
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1305 on: 08 March, 2019, 04:20:52 pm »
Don't some humans have a 'must have something in the mouth' gene?

I'm sure it's not just labs...

YES!!!! That's it!!!! I now have an excuse for that foot firmly placed in same orifice.

You're a LOT more supple than me if this is no mere metaphor!

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1306 on: 08 March, 2019, 08:10:34 pm »
I kicked the leg of my desk today accidentally.  I think I've rebroken the toe that I broke about 2 years ago kicking my turbo trainer.
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

Mrs Pingu

  • Who ate all the pies? Me
    • Twitter
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1307 on: 08 March, 2019, 09:58:51 pm »
Almost a fecking div.

Got a phone call from the garage to tell me the MOT & service was complete & I could go and pick the car up.
GARAGE: Oh I should tell you, we couldn't find your locking wheel nut key
MRS PINGU: ??? Er, I didn't even know I had such a thing, see you later byeeee.

<effects, swirly lines, vague memories> Oh. I wonder if that's what that thing that looked like a socket that suddenly appeared in the car when it came back from being repaired after the drug driver slammed into the Future Classic TM Mr Larrington was. It hung about in the passenger compartment for a few months rattling in an irritating manner and eventually I thought 'that's too big to fit on my socket set, maybe I'll put it in the bin'.
Looks up 'locking wheel nut key on Google'.
Yes, that's exactly what that was.
Oh.
I wonder if I *did* put it in the bin or if I just thought about it. Really hard.




Fortunately it would appear that common sense prevailed and it was found lurking in the shed.
Do not clench. It only makes it worse.

T42

  • Apprentice geezer
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1308 on: 09 March, 2019, 09:14:14 am »
Don't some humans have a 'must have something in the mouth' gene?

I'm sure it's not just labs...

YES!!!! That's it!!!! I now have an excuse for that foot firmly placed in same orifice.

You're a LOT more supple than me if this is no mere metaphor!

Yoga.
I've dusted off all those old bottles and set them up straight

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1309 on: 09 March, 2019, 06:00:21 pm »
Failure to notice that the No.2 gauge clip hadn't been fitted to my hair clippers has resulted in a 0 gauge, Belsen look, haircut.  ::-)
Feel free to point and laugh.

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1310 on: 09 March, 2019, 06:21:18 pm »
Pointed, laughed  :thumbsup:

BTDT
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1311 on: 09 March, 2019, 06:40:19 pm »
BDTD (but at least it was only my beard)
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch."

Basil

  • Um....err......oh bugger!
  • Help me!
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1312 on: 09 March, 2019, 10:48:55 pm »
Mrs B did that once.  To the dog.
Admission.  I'm actually not that fussed about cake.

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1313 on: 10 March, 2019, 09:28:19 am »
Don't some humans have a 'must have something in the mouth' gene?

I'm sure it's not just labs...

YES!!!! That's it!!!! I now have an excuse for that foot firmly placed in same orifice.

You're a LOT more supple than me if this is no mere metaphor!

Yoga.

No, I couldn't bear that

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1314 on: 10 March, 2019, 05:31:29 pm »
Fettled a new tubeless tyre onto a new tubeless rim, carefully, first seating th3 tyre with a bit of detergent spray, before gently deflating, adding sealant and reinstating.  All good, only a very slight weep around the valve that soon sealed. At which point I noticed the tyre, which has a directional tread, was mounted the wrong way round  ::-).
We are making a New World (Paul Nash, 1918)

Cudzoziemiec

  • Ride adventurously and stop for a brew.
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1315 on: 10 March, 2019, 06:18:12 pm »
Don't some humans have a 'must have something in the mouth' gene?

I'm sure it's not just labs...

YES!!!! That's it!!!! I now have an excuse for that foot firmly placed in same orifice.

You're a LOT more supple than me if this is no mere metaphor!

Yoga.

No, I couldn't bear that
Are you as supple as a jelly or as rigid as a stone?
Riding a concrete path through the nebulous and chaotic future.

T42

  • Apprentice geezer
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1316 on: 11 March, 2019, 08:22:11 am »
Fettled a new tubeless tyre onto a new tubeless rim, carefully, first seating th3 tyre with a bit of detergent spray, before gently deflating, adding sealant and reinstating.  All good, only a very slight weep around the valve that soon sealed. At which point I noticed the tyre, which has a directional tread, was mounted the wrong way round  ::-).

At least you didn't publish your efforts on Youtube like the bloke I watched demonstrating his tubeless technique who also got his tyre on backwards.

Fair dos, the black-on-black arrows can be wretchedly hard to find and reading the tread isn't always all that clear either.
I've dusted off all those old bottles and set them up straight

PaulF

  • "World's Scariest Barman"
  • It's only impossible if you stop to think about it
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1317 on: 11 March, 2019, 08:46:45 am »
Fettled a new tubeless tyre onto a new tubeless rim, carefully, first seating th3 tyre with a bit of detergent spray, before gently deflating, adding sealant and reinstating.  All good, only a very slight weep around the valve that soon sealed. At which point I noticed the tyre, which has a directional tread, was mounted the wrong way round  ::-).

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Except it was pointed out to me by my electrician (who's also  part of my MTB group) when he was doing some work for us.

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1318 on: 11 March, 2019, 09:27:17 am »
I worked up to this one.

I have a LiPo battery that's puffed up  (chunky drone battery, 7.4 nominal) and I decided to condemn said item, after all, safety first, eh? Given it is a relatively high current thingy that seemed sensible. It is fully charged. There are two  ways to discharge. (a) connect up and run (b) look on the Internet to Seek Wisdom. Wherein I dunked said item into saline for 12 hours.

Took it out and checked, still got 8+v on it. OK, OK, we're getting to it. Rummage in box, find a power resistor. Don't bother checking what it is. If I hold the body of the resistor in my hand and touch the contacts, I'll probably feel it getting warm. I mean, how quick is it going to get hot.

Brown Green Gold Gold (1.5 ohms). Bloody hot, bloody quickly. I think those colours are now burnt into my thumb, if not my brain.

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1319 on: 11 March, 2019, 02:36:53 pm »
no kitkat tinfoil or 6" nails handy?
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

ian

Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1320 on: 11 March, 2019, 02:49:12 pm »
Retrieving a pizza from the hot oven on Friday night I reached under the tray to get a grip with the tea towel, thus branding the back of my hand with the hot, hot, hot metal shelf. It looks quite impressive. Another scar for the collection.

T42

  • Apprentice geezer
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1321 on: 11 March, 2019, 04:19:04 pm »
You've got to admit that it takes a lot of effort to get into this thread, but we work at it pretty hard.

Today I unwrapped half the bars on my Trek to replace the RD gear cable outer then found that all I had really needed to do was replace the pestilential end cap, whose long nose had split - the new inner cable ran beautifully in the outer. And I hate wrapping bars. :demon:

Shimano, I christen thee div for designing the bloody thing like that in the first place.

I've dusted off all those old bottles and set them up straight

Tim Hall

  • Victoria is my queen
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1322 on: 11 March, 2019, 05:29:04 pm »
I took delivery of a New! Shiny! dishwasher on Friday. When I fitted the kitchen a few months ago I made provision for one, with a dedicated tap thing and waste connection under the sink.

On offering up the dishwasher and hose I saw that the anti flood device integral to the hose meant that the dishwasher would stick too far out into the kitchen. Never mind, if I just turned the tap through 90 degrees such that the outlet pointed downwards instead of straight out and all would be well. The tap is a compression fitting, so just loosen the nut, tweak it round and nip it back up. Turn the water off? Nah, it's not like I'm taking it apart.

Loosen nut. Tap doesn't move. Loosen it a tadge more. Tap is shot off  by the pipe by the water pressure. Loud swears are uttered. I get soaked. The new laminate floor gets a wash. More swears.  Finally get it back together, turn the water off, get the mop out.

So, just to re cap, kitchen flood caused, in part, by having to accommodate an anti flood device.
There are two ways you can get exercise out of a bicycle: you can
"overhaul" it, or you can ride it.  (Jerome K Jerome)

Paul

  • L'enfer, c'est les autos.
Re: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread
« Reply #1323 on: 11 March, 2019, 09:07:24 pm »
Thanks Tim. I really appreciated that chuckle. Glad no permanent damage done.
What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?

citoyen

  • Occasionally rides a bike
Re: The &quot;I'm Such a Fecking Div&quot; Thread
« Reply #1324 on: 12 March, 2019, 08:11:09 am »
Tim, the only disappointing thing about that story is that it wasn’t caught on camera.
"The future's all yours, you lousy bicycles."