Yet Another Cycling Forum
Off Topic => The Pub => Topic started by: Euan Uzami on 04 July, 2011, 04:10:52 pm
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We have a new fellow in our department who is very fond of his buzz words and management speak.
I thought I'd heard them all but he came out with one that is completely new to me today "de-scope" !
as in, "we need to descope this part of the project"
I'm still none the wiser as to what it means.
Another corker he came out with: "cross-functional" ! as in, "if we are to be a cross-functional team"
;D
The sad thing is it seems to be winning him a lot of favour in his quest for power, but that's another issue...
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De-scope is one we use quite a lot. If we have a set of requirements which a piece of software needs to meet and there is a problem with actually getting the software to meet one of them, that requirement might be removed from the list of things to be done. Removed from the scope of the current piece of work. De-scoped.
Usual problem with a geeky, slightly lazy turn of phrase which then gets picked up by management because they think it makes them sound good
S
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One I had recently.
"I'm right up there in the wheelhouse with you."
FFS
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X requires a bio-break between 1:1s so please expect transfer delay.
Meaning: X needs the loo and will be late for her meeting. :facepalm:
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Just a number one though. ;)
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Peli that is a gem. Please tell me you made it up and nobody actually said it.
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Unfortunately, it is not made up. :-\ And it's not the worst I've heard, either.
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X requires a bio-break between 1:1s so please expect transfer delay.
And who ever said it doesn't understand the word euphemism either!
S
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I wonder if I could send "apologies for absence" to crappy meetings with "AFK bio" :demon:
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My paradigm clashes with neuro regressive syntax.
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Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'
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De-scope is one we use quite a lot.
+1. I'm not keen on buzz-words but cross-functional seems OK to me too - a team made up of people from different functions (departments/whatever) in the organisation.
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Let's engage in a conversation to enable a soup-to-nuts deconstruction, or 'deep-dive', if you will.
:sick:
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There is something very comforting about going home and listening to someone who's views you rate highly, e.g. you right wassock wots up then?
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Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'
You are not quite Paul Newman Henry Gondorf so I can't claim my £5. Would you settle for £2.50?
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"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines. "Socialising a report" is another. Oh, and "derisking", which may or may not have a hyphen.
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Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'
You are not quite Paul Newman Henry Gondorf so I can't claim my £5. Would you settle for £2.50?
You're going to have to explain. I can work out it's something to do with The Sting, but I've never seen it.
I suspect you may have just called me crude O:-)
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Agh !! RZ, you have one there that drives me barmy.
Senior management apparently 'socialised' a new policy before having some anonymous droid issue it.
And then they wonder why no-one complies.
Aaaaggghhhhhh!!!
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Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'
You are not quite Paul Newman Henry Gondorf so I can't claim my £5. Would you settle for £2.50?
You're going to have to explain. I can work out it's something to do with The Sting, but I've never seen it.
I suspect you may have just called me crude O:-)
He turned up at a poker game and apologised, saying "Sorry I'm late, I was taking a crap!"
I am not well-versed in the world of fillums, but The Sting is one of my favourites.
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De-scope is one we use quite a lot.
+1. I'm not keen on buzz-words but cross-functional seems OK to me too - a team made up of people from different functions (departments/whatever) in the organisation.
Oh right! well that's not what I think he meant by it - from his explanation when I picked him up on it, it appeared to allude to the ability for us all to pitch in with each other's responsibilities.
Or, more precisely, the implied expectation for us others to pitch in with his. (Or even more precisely, the tasks that he was taken on to do, but hasn't done any of.)
You may be right, though - but that's the thing though, you just don't know - it means whatever the person using it wants it to mean, or in the case where they're just using it to sound like they know what they're talking about, nothing.
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"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines. "Socialising a report" is another. Oh, and "derisking", which may or may not have a hyphen.
Agh !! RZ, you have one there that drives me barmy.
Senior management apparently 'socialised' a new policy before having some anonymous droid issue it.
And then they wonder why no-one complies.
Aaaaggghhhhhh!!!
"socialising" - I'm guessing that's making it look as if they're seeking consensus on it when in fact they're thrusting it on you whether you like it or not.
"derisking" - .................... :-\ :-\ :-\ nope, still baffled on that one!
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another one:
"missed an opportunity" = didn't bother
;D
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...it means whatever the person using it wants it to mean, or in the case where they're just using it to sound like they know what they're talking about, nothing.
Oh but that happens with everything else as well, especially (sorry) if marketing types get hold of it. "Home-made pies" that were made in the factory using "the same recipe" as at home. "Active garments" that don't have any active components in them. "Electronic publishing" (years ago) that used electronic systems (PCs) to produce print publishing. "Professional" sports equipment that no half-decent amateur would touch with a barge-pole.
It goes on and on.
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another one:
"missed an opportunity" = didn't bother
;D
Or - completely fucked it up.
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"Who's good to bubble the monetization piece up to [insert name of senior bod]?"
:-X
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"I'll be wearing a very broad-brimmed hat today… and will be speaking both horizontally… and vertically".
This is the one that has stayed with me for the past 10 years, nothing's come close.
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De-scope is one we use quite a lot.
+1. I'm not keen on buzz-words but cross-functional seems OK to me too - a team made up of people from different functions (departments/whatever) in the organisation.
Oh right! well that's not what I think he meant by it - from his explanation when I picked him up on it, it appeared to allude to the ability for us all to pitch in with each other's responsibilities.
Or, more precisely, the implied expectation for us others to pitch in with his. (Or even more precisely, the tasks that he was taken on to do, but hasn't done any of.)
You may be right, though - but that's the thing though, you just don't know - it means whatever the person using it wants it to mean, or in the case where they're just using it to sound like they know what they're talking about, nothing.
Cross-functional team - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-functional_team)
He's misunderstood its use - is using it to sound good. All the gear, no idea springs to mind.
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"I'll be wearing a very broad-brimmed hat today… and will be speaking both horizontally… and vertically".
This is the one that has stayed with me for the past 10 years, nothing's come close.
Sounds ike the mother in law drinking too much at a wedding.
.d
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You're all sadists.
Every last one of you.
I have been successfully blanking out our impending company day (tomorrow) which will require sitting through god knows how many hours of stultifyingly boring powerpoint pictures and accompanying managerial willy-waving and this thread has just given me the screaming horrors in advance.
Gits.
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Buzzword bingo?
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You have to be the bridge and master the art of the elevator speech if you want your flagpole saluted.
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You need to proactively engage with the dialectic of the customer base in order to leverage your core comptencies going forward. This necessitates appropriate revenue streams from monetizing your contributions in a goal focussed approach to delivery.
Or in other words, you need to ask them to give you a job and pay you apropriately.
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You need to proactively engage with the dialectic of the customer base in order to leverage your core comptencies going forward. This necessitates appropriate revenue streams from monetizing your contributions in a goal focussed approach to delivery.
Or in other words, you need to ask them to give you a job and pay you apropriately.
Slickly done. You're obviously a master at this sort of thing.
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"I'll be wearing a very broad-brimmed hat today… and will be speaking both horizontally… and vertically".
This is the one that has stayed with me for the past 10 years, nothing's come close.
And then they wonder why potential foreign clients don't call back. :facepalm:
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PMSL at 'bio-break'.
The one that really winds me up is 'going forwards'. As in, 'we'll be working on this report going forward and....' WHY?!
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Well, you wouldn't want them to be going backwards, would you? Very reassuring, I'd say ;)
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As proved by those hothouses of UK intellectual elite, Oxford and Cambridge, it is best to have the cocks in the back and everyone else going backwards.
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Clearly there is huge pent up demand here for a Neuro Linguistic Planning course.
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You ain't seen nothing if you haven't worked in the NHS... :sick:
The current reforms, combined with the QIPP agenda, are creating a whole new level of insane management speak that even the acolytes are finding is making their brains dribble out of their ears. :-X
David Nicholson is a Bullshit Bingo player's wet dream... :facepalm:
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You ain't seen nothing if you haven't worked in the NHS... :sick:
The current reforms, combined with the QIPP agenda, are creating a whole new level of insane management speak that even the acolytes are finding is making their brains dribble out of their ears. :-X
David Nicholson is a Bullshit Bingo player's wet dream... :facepalm:
I'll see your NHS and raise you one MOD :sick: :sick: ??? :sick: :o :sick: :sick: :hand: :sick: :facepalm: >:(
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Try a USAnian company. I couldn't understand a single question on my appraisal form and that was circa 1992.
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You ain't seen nothing if you haven't worked in the NHS... :sick:
The current reforms, combined with the QIPP agenda, are creating a whole new level of insane management speak that even the acolytes are finding is making their brains dribble out of their ears. :-X
David Nicholson is a Bullshit Bingo player's wet dream... :facepalm:
I'll see your NHS and raise you one MOD :sick: :sick: ??? :sick: :o :sick: :sick: :hand: :sick: :facepalm: >:(
I've been working closely with the MoD over the last year. You may love your acronyms and have a complete inability to make a decision without it going to the top - but you're babies compared to the NHS when it comes to insance management speak.
Give it another couple of years and you may catch up. :facepalm:
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No chance. The Modernisation Agency was the spawning ground of a whole herd of boloxtalkers, but the Commissioning Board is shaping up to provide a new wave.
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My management have recently started using the word firedrill, as an example:
"We need to have the replies by COB tomorrow, apologies again for the urgent firedrill."
Which amuses me, as in a firedrill I leave whatever I am doing and stand in the park for half an hour.
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My company's management (though I suspect US HR) is urging us "as leaders to touch the business every day". Sounds a bit icky to me.
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It is the natural progression after touching cloth.
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"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines.
It's funny how these phrases appear out of nowhere and then suddenly everyone is using them. I now get asked on a regular basis 'And are you getting the right traction on that ?'
The worst moment always comes when you hear yourself saying the same phrase, the one you've promised yourself not to use. Oh well, it happens to us all...
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"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines.
It's funny how these phrases appear out of nowhere and then suddenly everyone is using them. I now get asked on a regular basis 'And are you getting the right traction on that ?'
The worst moment always comes when you hear yourself saying the same phrase, the one you've promised yourself not to use. Oh well, it happens to us all...
So very true!
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I work for the UK part of a(n increasingly) global firm, and our US colleagues never email us or ring us, they always "Reach out" to us.....
Arrrrrrrggghhhhhh. No you're not, you're emailing/ calling me .... and breathe...
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Four Tops fans?
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Here's one we got this morning:
Our initial conclusions are based on a set of core business focused principles:
• Enable future products and services that are increasingly digital and complex in composition (e.g. bundles, micro content, cross-business offerings)
• Leverage existing assets
• Clarify and maintain focus on traditional ERP value chain
• Avoid choices that limit flexibility or increase risk
• Consider foundational work that needs to precede ERP implementation (e.g. business process simplification/capability enablement, master data management)
• Simplify first, then enhance and scale
Translation: In four years max you'll be out on your collective ear while we strip naked and roll around in big piles of money.
I have no idea what "ERP" stands for either
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You couldn't make it up!
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Here's one we got this morning:
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• Clarify and maintain focus on traditional ERP value chain
...
I have no idea what "ERP" stands for either
ERP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enterprise_resource_planning) like Oracle etc
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Enterprise resource planning. Got it? Not to be confused with BURP - buggered up resource planning
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Cow-orker G worked for the BigCo's predecessor circa 1973. They were trying to reduce the number of platforms, applications and so forth.
They failed.
Cow-orker G went elsewhere, and then rejoined what was now the current incarnation of the BigCo, circa 2003. They were trying to reduce the number of platforms, applications and so forth.
They failed.
Cow-orker G is beginning to see a pattern emerging...
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Right to left planning is quite a favourite :)
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Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.
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Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.
Let me guess... he's in charge of the returns/customer complaints department?
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Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.
Let me guess... he's in charge of the returns/customer complaints department?
Yes.
It's a brilliant bit of bullshit.
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We need some sort of campaign for clear speech. As in crystal clear. 'Cos I associate crystal with cut glass which has lots of faces and isn't see through at all.
Derisking is probably the same as risk mitigation.
Descoping is a GOOD thing as it means ignore all the flyuffy bits you weren't going to do anyway.
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ignore all the flyuffy bits you weren't going to do anyway.
MoSCoW rules :thumbsup:
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In a moment of unthinking :sick: I found myself saying that there was a linear line between two things. This, you should remember, was in a pub and I did stop myself and flog myself with a birch as soon as I said it.
I always swore that I wouldn't turn into formeremployer who uttered the following with unflinching conviction and lack of irony:
"We need to integrate completeness to the project."
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Gus Hedges is surely the bench mark of all management speak. Here are some gems:
http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0117015/quotes
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I'm sure Gus was based on a former The Boss I had some twenty years ago. He even looked a bit like Robert Duncan.
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At my work de scoping is officially sanctioned disagreement with what we've been told to do as opposed to the common or garden disagreeing with what we've been told to do that we spend whole meetings solely doing.
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We need some sort of campaign for clear speech. As in crystal clear. 'Cos I associate crystal with cut glass which has lots of faces and isn't see through at all.
What - like this?
(http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/images/stories/Approvedbylogo.gif)
http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/
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As long as you don't use these phrases in the pub with your mates then who cares?
Phrases like "De-scope" mean something to people in a certain industry. I guess you could say "remove that requirement from the full list of requirements" but it's clear what we mean when we use it in our company.
Even "leverage" (or "levverage" to pronounce it how I hear it spoken) as a verb is now well understood (despite being a hateful term).
What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like. They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.
Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"
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What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like. They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.
Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"
Do any of your managers have pointy hair? ;)
http://search.dilbert.com/search?w=jargon
http://search.dilbert.com/search?w=work%2Bsmarter&view=list&filter=type%3Acomic
Enjoy. ;D
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See also the bank manager in Despicable Me. Clearly based on those Dilbert cartoons. Or maybe Mr Larrington's former boss. Or someone.
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Do people still eat elephants one piece at a time ?
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I was just on my club's forum, reading a report on the Gran Fondo Eddy Merckx (yes, they got to meet the Cannibal). This aroused some interest in people doing it next year:
"Let's diarise for next year then."
::-)
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Gus Hedges is surely the bench mark of all management speak. Here are some gems:
http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0117015/quotes
This one's actually tolerable, in a taking the piss sort of way.
We do rather appear to have an ongoing underwear entanglement situation.
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I was just on my club's forum, reading a report on the Gran Fondo Eddy Merckx (yes, they got to meet the Cannibal). This aroused some interest in people doing it next year:
"Let's diarise for next year then."
::-)
Glad to hear you socialised the idea first :thumbsup: I hear that the Pinarello Prince version 2 is very good for getting traction on vertical reporting lines. Will you be needing a 1:1 with the gearing department for any of these ? Might be best to avoid any walkthroughs. :)
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As long as you don't use these phrases in the pub with your mates then who cares?
Phrases like "De-scope" mean something to people in a certain industry. I guess you could say "remove that requirement from the full list of requirements" but it's clear what we mean when we use it in our company.
Even "leverage" (or "levverage" to pronounce it how I hear it spoken) as a verb is now well understood (despite being a hateful term).
What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like. They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.
Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"
+1, IMHO stuff like de-risk and de-scope is just jargon meaning something very precise to some people in some industries.
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Do people still eat elephants one piece at a time ?
Only when they are not too busy with not boiling the ocean.
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I've got a meeting today to get our ducks in a row. Best to make sure we're on the same page while we're at it. (Synergy :thumbsup:)
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I like the word "Synergy" when used correctly. If a job takes one person 4 hours, but the same job takes two people one hour each, then that's Synergy. More often one encounters the situation where that job takes two people three hours each, so the overall timescales go down by throwing more people at it (finished in 3 hours rather than 4), but increasing the cost (6 man-hours vs 4).
Most of my stuff is beyond even that; it'll take me 4 hours, but if there's someone "helping", then it'll take us 8 hours each. Hours 2, 3 and 4 are me unpicking all the stuff that the other person got wrong, and hours 5-8 are the Fight, the A&E visit and the Court Case.
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That is a fantastic quote..
I like the word "Synergy" when used correctly. If a job takes one person 4 hours, but the same job takes two people one hour each, then that's Synergy. More often one encounters the situation where that job takes two people three hours each, so the overall timescales go down by throwing more people at it (finished in 3 hours rather than 4), but increasing the cost (6 man-hours vs 4).
Most of my stuff is beyond even that; it'll take me 4 hours, but if there's someone "helping", then it'll take us 8 hours each. Hours 2, 3 and 4 are me unpicking all the stuff that the other person got wrong, and hours 5-8 are the Fight, the A&E visit and the Court Case.
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I like the word "Synergy" when used correctly. If a job takes one person 4 hours, but the same job takes two people one hour each, then that's Synergy.
Making beds. Two people can do it about four times as fast as one person, & do a better job. And they both have a better time, because they have someone to talk to.
[Experience of three months working as a hospital orderly, back in the days when they made beds properly]
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The one that really winds me up is 'going forwards'. As in, 'we'll be working on this report going forward and....' WHY?!
I'm with you on that one. Quite apart from the phrase's surpassing ugliness, it is utterly redundant given that humans are as yet incapable of travelling backward in time. I've even seen 'in the future we will be doing x going forward', adding yet more redundancy.
As management jargon it is one thing but it seems to be creeping into normal speech now, the same way 'take on board' and 'touch base' have.
On the other hand, a PR consultant of my acquaintance called Andy Green has great fun mocking the buzzwords and jargon of creativity ('outside the box', 'blue sky thinking' etc) and has built into his training courses 'thinking in big and small boxes' and 'green light/red light' thinking. I think the latter refers to traffic lights rather than <falsetto> Roooxanne... </falsetto>
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Correct usage of management speak, lesson 1.
"How would you like you pizza delivered?"
"I'm thinking 'out of the box'"
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shouldn't that be in the box?... ???
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I want to punch people when they say 'touch base'.
Ain't nobody I work with getting to touch my base, man.
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Mrs Pingu are you in touch with your base feelings?
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Who is that base fellow?
He's not a bass - he's a tenor
He can't be a tenor - he works in a shop
OK then - he must be a counter tenor
;D
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Mrs Pingu are you in touch with your base feelings?
She has been trying to get in touch with her bass feelings ;)
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The more I think of this the more phrases I realise I know so well that I think of them as everyday conversation rather than management speak. A few more - heads up, flag up, on my radar, backfill, KT. And I spend most of my working day escalating.
One that does irritate me is when senior executives justify an action on the grounds that 'it was the right thing to do'. Oh well, if you say so, that's all right then, I'll say no more about it.
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The more I think of this the more phrases I realise I know so well that I think of them as everyday conversation rather than management speak. A few more - heads up, flag up, on my radar, backfill, KT. And I spend most of my working day escalating.
One that does irritate me is when senior executives justify an action on the grounds that 'it was the right thing to do'. Oh well, if you say so, that's all right then, I'll say no more about it.
;D
I do admit to having used the phrase 'exactly that' when I couldn't be bothered to re-explain something so that they understand it better.
The following conversation:
Me: (explain something fairly complex)
Colleague: "what do you mean?"
Me: "well, exactly that!"
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Did I really hear someone use "deleverage" on the Today programme this morning???
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Did I really hear someone use "deleverage" on the Today programme this morning???
Deleverage - isn't that the verb for trying to counter the effect of viewing spectacular decolletage? ;D
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Did I really hear someone use "deleverage" on the Today programme this morning???
Yebbut it was in the "Business" news, so it doesn't really count. (Not that "Business" should = "The City", but it does in the strange world of Radio 4. What the rest of us do is just Industrial.)
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A couple that get used in the team - but probably not used by the people that use the phrases already listed:
"Fur coat and no knickers"
"He's put his trousers on before his pants"
Both generally related to the keen beanies that work in the development team that come up whizzy ideas that basically don't work but get delivered because it "ticks a box" on their upward career - leaving us poor thickies in operations to unpick the mess left behind and come up with a way of getting it to work ie a manual "work-around". Whist the keen beanie goes on to "bigger and better things" - most of them get found out eventually tho. O:-)
They have no substance and don't understand that getting the basics right is more important that implementing a new feature that doesn't actually work.
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Today I found myself thanking a colleague for helping to get a piece of work 'over the line'. Dammit !
I've also realised how often I use the word 'bandwidth' when referring to colleagues rather than machinery. C'est la vie.
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I've also realised how often I use the word 'bandwidth' when referring to colleagues rather than machinery. C'est la vie.
I've got quite good at stomping on that whenever it comes up.
Them: "Jeff says he may be able to do <task X> but might not have the bandwidth."
Me: "By 'bandwidth' do you mean time?"
Them: "Er, yes."
Me: "Thanks."
...a few occurrences later...
Them: "Does anyone have the bandw...err...time to help so and so doing <task foo>?"
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We are now going through a phase of "backlog pruning". Shuffling things under the carpet, then, really. ::-) ;)
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I bought some shares today because the mid week short selling pulse had bottomed out market values below yield, balance sheet and bond returns. (They were cheap)
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Let's engage in a conversation to enable a soup-to-nuts deconstruction, or 'deep-dive', if you will.
:sick:
Hehe, you just made me look really in-the-know today, thanks! A client was reading something and said "'Soup-to-nuts'? What...?" and I was able to explain and look like I'm in touch with the lingo...
Not that she was very impressed. "Who finishes with nuts?"
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My boss has an annoying habit of assigning people a 'hollywood principle'. This is especially confusing as we're all developers and have a particular understanding (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollywood_Principle) of the term.
What he means is 'I'll assume this is working unless you say otherwise'. If he'd only say that instead of clinging to his stupid invented jargon, he wouldn't have to explain himself all the bloody time.
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My boss has an annoying habit of assigning people a 'hollywood principle'. This is especially confusing as we're all developers and have a particular understanding (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollywood_Principle) of the term.
What he means is 'I'll assume this is working unless you say otherwise'. If he'd only say that instead of clinging to his stupid invented jargon, he wouldn't have to explain himself all the bloody time.
Prince 2 exception reporting?
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This thread has me alternately cracking up and groaning in severe pain. Ever since somebody decided that "government should be more like business*," this management-speak has been spreading like a fungus.
* Don't get me started.
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The rot started when people became "resource" while computers and telephones became "assets".
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"So, Mr Padbeat, what are we going to do about this breaker conundrum?"
"Well, Sir, first of all we're going to call it a defect, not a conundrum. It is neither difficult nor confusing. We don't know what it is, but my team are both qualified and experienced, and between us we have seen all that there is to see on breaker defects. We will have a sitrep shortly. In the mean time the stores 'conundrum' was due to a supply chain dickhead, the Vibration Analysis 'conundrum' wasn't a significant deviation from the mean and the rota 'conundrum' was sorted by me writing it and telling everyone what to do."
In the words of Inigo Montoya, I don't think that word means what you think it means. And you are using it to death. And it makes me want to explain that to you in front of our subordinates.
Sir.
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Sir.
There's a very particular* and very British way that one can use the word "Sir" and actually mean, "you slack-jawed, dribbling dullard" isn't there?
;D
*c.f. Traffic police hossifers
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Sir.
There's a very particular* and very British way that one can use the word "Sir" and actually mean, "you slack-jawed, dribbling dullard" isn't there?
;D
*c.f. Traffic police hossifers
*and very senior NCOs to Officers who think they know everything
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(http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/60000/8000/600/68624/68624.strip.gif)
OK - I've gone into dilbert browse mode - here's another
(http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/70000/8000/500/78512/78512.strip.gif)
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Latest communiqué from The Mgt.
As you are aware the rebranding for the Harlow site has begun to bring our office up to date with the fantastic new BigCo brand.
As far as I can tell, we have been "brought up to date" by the application of a red stripe to the glass divider next to the entry turnstiles.
Keep an eye out for more exciting branding around the building!
Exciting branding? How empty must one's life be to find branding "exciting"? I may have to go and pick daisies on the railway embankment when the next Stansted Express is due.
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Meanwhile, the "Project Lead" on "Global Rights & Royalties" writes:
[...] we are introducing a standardised product format coding structure to replace the existing free format text field so we can understand the data better and we want to leverage what main business units are doing as far as possible rather than re-invent the wheel.
It'll probably involve some imagineering too, I expect.
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A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.
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A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.
Engineers like to think that they can be creative people.
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Meanwhile, the "Project Lead" on "Global Rights & Royalties" writes:
[...] we are introducing a standardised product format coding structure to replace the existing free format text field so we can understand the data better and we want to leverage what main business units are doing as far as possible rather than re-invent the wheel.
It'll probably involve some imagineering too, I expect.
It was going quite well until the wheel bit.. Plain speech up till then.
..d
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Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....
worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney
& such like
there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW
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It was going quite well until the wheel bit.. Plain speech up till then.
Except for using "leverage" as a verb, which is strongly deprecated and a Bad Thing.
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Engineers like to think that they can be creative people.
[/quote]
And they can be creative, but imagineering – I mean! I have come to expect this sort of meaningless drivel from architects but this bloke was a CEng. I presume that he had been convinced by some marketing……type that it was a good idea to say that. At times it is hard to supress a sort of Marge Simpsonesque sigh when having to listen to otherwise sensible people come out with bollocks like this.
With apologies to anyone offended, I have been subjected to a almost constant drip of low-level twattery recently. Mods move to more appropriate thread if necessary.
Juan
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I thought the word imagineering was trademarked by Disney.
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And they can be creative
Ah thank you!
No offence taken, certainly not the best wording but I can see why he thought it was a good idea to say this.
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wasn't from ove arup by any chance was he?
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Not on this occasion, I can’t remember who it was now…and to be fair it was a fairly harmless comment – although they had gone to the trouble of putting it in their prospectus come brochure thingy. They probably would have been fine but saying something like that does tend to invite the question: What do you mean by Imagineering? and presumably the marketing chap hadn’t gone into that much detail so we got an um…errr…waffly response which, with further fairness, is pretty much all you can do with such twaddle.
Not sure I’d want to play with Ove Arup again in a hurry though…but no names, no pack horses.
Juan
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Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....
worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney
& such like
there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW
That will no doubt be the reason why my 30yr career car crash has seen me rise to the dizzying hights of 'parts advisor' with possibly the shittiest firm in existence.
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A customer has just asked me to send him 'a pair of wipers for a tranny'
I said I wasn't sure it was a good swap . . .
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Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....
worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney
& such like
there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW
One of the best The Boss I ever had usually referred to us munchkins as "you scummy little toerags" and his favoured method of getting us to stop fannying around and do some work was "Do X or I'll rip yer nipples off".
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^^^
simarlily my boss in Epsom referred to me (the only employee not a native of The Greater London area) as that dirtyfingernailedclothcappedNorthernprofitfodder.He was sufficiently generous to fund several very boozy outings lunch breaks & evening staff meetings per month in The Kings Arms in East Street in the said Epsom.
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A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.
See today's Dilbert (http://www.dilbert.com).
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A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.
See today's Dilbert (http://www.dilbert.com).
link fixed
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Oops! Now fixed in original.
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sometimes it seems like dilbert's author works in my office :-[
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Since our area of the BigCo has been reorganisated, I have a The Boss who can actually be arsed with appraisals. Here are some of the things we're supposed to be good at:
Focus on the crux of issues, and identifies high-leverage intervention points and strategies
Synthesize concepts and information from a variety of sources or disciplines to arrive at a broad, deep understanding of issues
Approach problems from a systems perspective, defining connections, linkages, and interdependencies
Demonstrate understanding of the financial and economic levers that impact business performance
and finally
Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos
Tape silos? Grain silos? Intercontinental ballistic missile silos? What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???
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sometimes it seems like dilbert's author works in my office :-[
You could probably read Dilbert as being about techy idiots, who refuse to make everyone's life easier by trying to understand the great insights handed out by management.
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SWMBO got a letter from Da New Management the other day saying how there was to be a meeting to 'Project their vision for going forward after their recent kalaidoscoipc review of the company'.
My eyes were bleeding after reading that load of bollocks.
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Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos
Tape silos? Grain silos? Intercontinental ballistic missile silos? What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???
A term beloved by HAL.
Silo = shorthand for a team of people who keep knowledge to themselves. Officially a bad thing, but there are any number of managers who promote this behaviour to ensure their continued existence within Big Corp.
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A company I used to work for had a certain piece of management information which took about a couple of man days to produce, but which was valuable to the various functions in the company.
Our department had produced it, and another department wanted access to it but didn't want to / couldn't contribute manpower to the production of it. The obvious solution to this problem for our department was to prevent the other department having access to it. ::-) Obvious, really. This was two different departments of the same company, not two different companies. ??? ::-)
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"Knowledge silos"
is how I've normally heard this. In that form it's quite a good descriptive expression.
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"Knowledge silos"
is how I've normally heard this. In that form it's quite a good descriptive expression.
The problem is that the monkeys imitate the style without understanding the meaning or the context.
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Since our area of the BigCo has been reorganisated, I have a The Boss who can actually be arsed with appraisals. Here are some of the things we're supposed to be good at:
Focus on the crux of issues, and identifies high-leverage intervention points and strategies
Synthesize concepts and information from a variety of sources or disciplines to arrive at a broad, deep understanding of issues
Approach problems from a systems perspective, defining connections, linkages, and interdependencies
Demonstrate understanding of the financial and economic levers that impact business performance
and finally
Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos
Tape silos? Grain silos? Intercontinental ballistic missile silos? What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???
Silos as in bigger versions of chimneys - as in "managing in chimneys" - i.e. vertical rather than horizontal communication/management systems :smug:
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Silos as in bigger versions of chimneys - as in "managing in chimneys" - i.e. vertical rather than horizontal communication/management systems :smug:
But silos are stand alone storage entities. Chimneys are merely an exit route for a waste product.
'Knowledge silo' isn't such a bad term in this context, it's certainly easier to say than 'stand alone knowledge storage entity'.
(AGH !!! Am I turning into a purveyor of crap management speak ?)
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My tip would be to simply avoid the word
entity
.. unless you are forced to use it in a specific technical context. Mkay?
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It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).
I am not always sure that the distinction between having silos and just being a bit structured is considered. If something is your job and not mine, it's better if I know only as much as I need to about it; any more and I'll drown in everyone else's job without doing mine.
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I am not always sure that the distinction between having silos and just being a bit structured is considered. If something is your job and not mine, it's better if I know only as much as I need to about it; any more and I'll drown in everyone else's job without doing mine.
The problem (at most places I've worked) is when people confuse a bit of "structure" with
not telling any other fucker how this shit works, or how to use it.
Still, we may have strayed into discussing real problems, when we're supposed to be slagging off management bullshit.
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Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos
Tape silos? Grain silos? Intercontinental ballistic missile silos? What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???
A term beloved by HAL.
Silo = shorthand for a team of people who keep knowledge to themselves. Officially a bad thing, but there are any number of managers who promote this behaviour to ensure their continued existence within Big Corp.
(http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/100000/30000/0000/600/130657/130657.strip.gif)
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Meanwhile, in the Tower of Barad-Dûr, cow-orkers N and J are being rightsized. They are project managers.
PHB: So, who will be taking on your projects after you've left?
N: Fucked if I know. J and I are the only project managers in the place and you've made both of us redundant!
PHB: Oh...
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We have "stovepipes" round here rather than "silos" or "chimneys".
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Stovepipes, silos, chimneys, meh it is not english and do not make sense.
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Stovepipes, silos, chimneys, meh it is not english and do not make sense.
Correct. To be English the chimneys would need cheeky cockney urchins sweeping them out.
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My tip would be to simply avoid the word
entity
.. unless you are forced to use it in a specific technical context. Mkay?
A William of Ockham for our times.
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It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).
If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.
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Could you please circularise your staff to ascertain if any are willing to participate
:-\
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It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).
If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.
Try drinking tea without it - you need to ween yourself off if you've got that much of a sweet tooth imho. n ;)
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It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).
If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.
Now that's what I call a Sugar Rush!
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Could you please circularise your staff to ascertain if any are willing to participate
:-\
Doughnuts.
To achieve the circularisation you should circulate doughnuts.
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Could you please circularise your staff to ascertain if any are willing to participate
:-\
Doughnuts.
To achieve the circularisation you should circulate doughnuts.
Doughnuts with some of Marco's sugar! :smug:
Meanwhile, I have a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss how our particular team "lives" the company ethos of "Every Day Matters". HR have even come up with some draft statements for us to consider:
Every Day Matters is about proactively engaging with and understanding the market we are in and the people we serve, to competitively price products that make financial security easier to achieve.
Every Day Matters is about being proactive innovatros [sic] in the development of competive [sic] pricing and management of risk to provide financial seciryt [sic] for our customers.
We deliver Every Day Matters to our customers by being expert, proactive and innovative in the managemnet [sic] of risk and pricing.
Every Day Matters is about being outstanding in our approach to understanding risk, competitive pricing and being experts in bulk purchase annuities.
*sigh*
If I must choose, I like the last statement best, simply because it doesn't abuse the English language quite so much.
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Kathy, your place sounds hilarious.
I have a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss how our particular team "lives" the company ethos of "Every Day Matters".
...
Every Day Matters is about being outstanding in our approach to understanding risk, competitive pricing and being experts in bulk purchase annuities.
*sigh*
If I must choose, I like the last statement best, simply because it doesn't abuse the English language quite so much.
Are you sure? It talks about "... being outstanding in our approach to being experts in bulk purchase annuities."
I think your team motto, should be:
_ Living the Company Ethos _
(oh, and look out for Innovatros - he sounds like a really bad-arse alien super-villain).
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If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.
Which is roughly what would happen with corporate information if all silos were truly removed :demon:
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My tip would be to simply avoid the word
entity
.. unless you are forced to use it in a specific technical context. Mkay?
A William of Ockham for our times.
Entity can be a useful word.
But most of the time it reminds me of dysentery.
And innovatros sounds like a pharmaceutical product alluding to an albatross.
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[IMS]
In the new year we will be de-leveraging select parts of our business stream in order to downscale our per-annum expenditures and increase efficiency.
Translation: After Christmas we will fire some of you and expect the rest of you to do the same amount of work, with a lower headcount. This is mainly due to the fact that I have just given myself a pay-rise of £100,000 on top of my existing £280,000ish salary and also directors will be getting bonuses at Christmas, which we will pay for with your jobs. p.s. non-management staff will not get an xmas bonus and the pay-freeze remains in place. Meeeeeerry Christmas.
[/IMS]
Luckily my friend happens to be in the position where they have been a bit sickly recently, change of the weather and all that, wot-ho, and just so happens, by pure coincidence you understand, to ready to de-leverage himself from the business stream in order to upscale his per-annum income a smidge and not work for quite such an odious bunch of fapsocks.
The business I work for has had a few dealings with another part of the one that he is soon to stop working for and I can wholeheartedly agree that they are shysters.
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Wow.
"De-leveraging" ?!?
That must go straight into the top 10. (although not if you're on the wrong end of it, obviously ... )
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I trust, Jacomus, your mate will stick around long enough to trouser a de-leveragement payment ;D
The good news is that our 2011 appraisals are to be conducted by Old The Boss, who is encouraging us to be as sarky as we like while filling in the manky forms. This could be fun :thumbsup:
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Our managers are all excellent so they have to go on a workshop to "... discuss and experience how to become 'more excellent' "
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Wow.
"De-leveraging" ?!?
That must go straight into the top 10. (although not if you're on the wrong end of it, obviously ... )
We were talking about it and came to the conclusion that 'de-leveraging' comprehensively beats even Dilbert's 'rightsizing' in the IMS stakes when talking about laying people off.
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We may have to walk that back to the pivot.
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For the love of God!
Ideation.
As in "the ideation phase of the process"
You know, the bit where we think of things to do :facepalm:
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Ideation. Oh dear. It hardly seems worth going on now. (weeps)
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Customer intimacy
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Customer intimacy
If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......
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fapsocks.
Well I've learned something that's going to be useful at work, for sure.
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Ideation. Oh dear. It hardly seems worth going on now. (weeps)
Ideation is legitimate psychiatry jargonspeak.
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Customer intimacy
If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......
My partner is frequently unhappy that my bank sends me letters from my Relationship Manager...
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Customer intimacy
If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......
My partner is frequently unhappy that my bank sends me letters from my Relationship Manager...
Aye. I'm married to my Relationship Manager ;D
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OK lightweights, cop for this example-
Following a proposal made by the Joint Information Management Unit (JIMU) both BigCo and BiggerCo have decided to align their Information Risk Appetites to the AdvisoryBody category of ‘Cautious’.
The ‘Information Risk Appetite’ is the way that organisations decide how much risk they are willing to accept when procuring a new information system, starting a new project or initiative and where personal or sensitive information will be used. In turn this will dictate what levels of information security and the type of IT that will be required to keep the information safe.
Until recently BigCo and BiggerCo had different ‘Information Risk Appetites’ and it was becoming increasingly difficult for the collaborated units in Information Management and ICT to identify and respond to the different requirements of the CombinedCo’sThis alignment will allows both CombinedCo’s to have a similar approach to policy and procedure and to develop new joint standards, policy and procedures necessary to consolidate the approach to manage information risk within the collaborative arrangements.
For further Information Contact:
BolloxTalking Manager
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Fuzzy wins.
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Chuffing nora! :o
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Oh dear. Fuzzy's post made perfect sense to me.
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Oh dear. Fuzzy's post made perfect sense to me.
And me. Simply harmonising their risk appetites. They'll probably expect to realize some synergies from that. :thumbsup:
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Fuzzy, can't you nick 'em for clevering?
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It's rather worrying that they have created a phrase with a TLA of IRA.
Or am I just showing my age?
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Must stop reading this thread in case I start using these words
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Sounds to me like it is a Joint Information Systems Management
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It's rather worrying that they have created a phrase with a TLA of IRA.
Or am I just showing my age?
Individual Retirement Account (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individual_retirement_account), I assume? ;)
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Something like that.
Although I suppose they did "retire" a few individuals...
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...have decided to align their Information Risk Appetites to the AdvisoryBody category of ‘Cautious’.
So...dumbed down, or hardened up? Doesn't tell you anything relevant about how it's going to screw over your access ;)
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I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.
I'm not sure why; it's not like it would've been difficult to go home sick.
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From our team meeting;
"I don't know what's happening with the takeover but it's good news"
and no, he isn't party to confidential information but trying to drop subtle hint, merely clueless
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I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.
Is that like waterboarding but with powerpoint?
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onboarding is onna boat,is it not?
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I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.
Is that like waterboarding but with powerpoint?
You stole the opening line for a course I created ("think of it as waterboarding with Powerpoint"). To my eternal shame, or quite possibly pride, I am responsible for a course entitled Sales Onboarding 101. On the plus side, it's features a sarcastic stuffed sea otter called Rick. Oddly, that's the only sales training course they've asked me to do.
That said, I am aboard one of our motherships (subdeck 14G), so strictly speaking we are onboarding our minions. Well, we beam them up with the mulderator. You should where we insert knowledge.
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I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.
Is that like waterboarding but with powerpoint?
Most things involving powerpoint are a bit like waterboarding.
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"Let's get the blood on the table" Priceless :thumbsup:
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When things go wrong, the MD demands we have a "drains up" - which I think translates as "find someone to blame".
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Today's bad smell that wafted down from the mothership bridge encouraged 'customer intimacy'.
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Today's bad smell that wafted down from the mothership bridge encouraged 'customer intimacy'.
Probably just the modern version of "touching base".
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Not 'touching cloth' then?
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Given what we've had to clear up from our reception area today, that must be the public sector version.
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'Haircut' seems to be trending at the moment, as in 'giving budgets a haircut'.
Also 'reaching out' - 'reach out to Bob', meaning go and speak to Bob.
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my company seems to have gone mad on reaching out too. Comes from HR I think. As does 'onboarding' which makes me think of conductors checking tickets. Apparently very important to reach out while onboarding.
At least we're no longer being constantly exhorted to "touch the business".
.
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Probably been done upthread but a common one I keep hearing is "to align", as in "can you align with Bob about the approach for that project" which nods to some kind of mutual understanding and consensus but actually means "go and tell Bob we're doing it my way until he either agrees or his ears bleed."
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Probably been done upthread but a common one I keep hearing is "to align", as in "can you align with Bob about the approach for that project" which nods to some kind of mutual understanding and consensus but actually means "go and tell Bob we're doing it my way until he either agrees or his ears bleed."
aka 'positioning'
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'Haircut' seems to be trending at the moment
Pardon? It's doing what?!?
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trending...
as in
SR's are expected to be trending as PBP 2015 approaches
;)
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I think 'trending' is more social media-speak than management-speak
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we have lovely consultants helping us at present who speak of "socialising" solutions.
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"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?" :facepalm:
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Tee up?
I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.
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"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?" :facepalm:
"tee up"? Presumably this is preparation for smashing the thing into deep forest.
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I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.
We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions! They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions. I've no idea what the difference is.
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'He's been wheelsucking the project for a while now' - he's not been pulling his weight/contributing
'Your team are setting a good tempo' - The project is going well so you can shaft your unerlings and take all the glory yourself
'It's more of a domestique role' - you are nto going to be allowed to make any decisions.
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We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions! They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions. I've no idea what the difference is.
Accidentally refer to them as waterboarding sessions..
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We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions! They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions. I've no idea what the difference is.
Accidentally refer to them as waterboarding sessions..
Please don't make suggestions like that as I almost certainly will. It's like a few years ago when someone told me a girl in channel marketing called Corina had acquired the nickname Margot (as in Leadbetter from the Goodlife) but she didn't know and would be VERY upset if she ever found out. What did I genuinely do by accident? Was she upset? Yes she was. VERY
:hand: ;D
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I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.
Our senior management have already encouraged us to adopt 'marginal gains' following from Dave Brailsford's outstanding work. In the process, completing misunderstanding what he actually did by assuming it just means work 1% harder in every aspect of your job.
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"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?" :facepalm:
"tee up"? Presumably this is preparation for smashing the thing into deep forest.
Sadly, the use of 'thought piece' instead of 'meeting' makes me think not.
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tea up? a cracking idea grommit!
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I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.
Excellent idea - chapeau ! (I'll try that one in the office tomorrow. Might not work with our offshore resources..)
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Slightly off-topic. A chum of mine who works at <name of hospital redacted for legal reasons> has a TLA which describes a surprisingly large part of the office bound worker's life. MWI - Meetings With Imbeciles.
I find that it helps, when confronted by a situation, jargon or "management" practice that would have any right minded person reaching for a blunt instrument and a sack of quick lime, that chanting "MWI" softly for a minute or two keeps my murderous rage under control. Usually.
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"I am pleased to announce the appointment of ***** ***** to the position of Process Optimisation Manager effective today, in the [insert department name]. This new role will focus on delivering efficiency improvements to key processes owned by the [insert dept name] and implementing automated KPIs, whilst linking with the [insert offshore arm of the dept] sustainable process improvement initiatives (SPI) programme."
Word for word.
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"I am pleased to announce the appointment of ***** ***** to the position of Process Optimisation Manager effective today, in the [insert department name]. This new role will focus on delivering efficiency improvements to key processes owned by the [insert dept name] and implementing automated KPIs, whilst linking with the [insert offshore arm of the dept] sustainable process improvement initiatives (SPI) programme."
Word for word.
=== writes the quality manual
Which is then ignored
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tea up? a cracking idea grommit!
Drum up.
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"To that end, your local HR Advisor will shortly be reaching out to you to help plug some gaps that we have in our pre-existing data as well as getting us to a baseline with some new data points. While the majority of the data points will be intuitive (e.g. personnel contact information), there are some new data points which we have previously not captured, however will help BigCo in its journey to becoming an Employer of Choice globally, as we will be able to undertake accurate diversity/sustainability reporting." :facepalm:
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"To that end, your local HR Advisor will shortly be reaching out to you to help plug some gaps that we have in our pre-existing data as well as getting us to a baseline with some new data points...
Two of my favourites in one sentence - "to reach out" and "pre-existing".
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If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?
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If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?
;D
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de-leveraging your functionality?
disencruiting?
ramping down employee resource count?
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If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?
offboarding, or in past times, 'walking the plank'
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Making constructive dismissal "springboarding"?
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"I don't think Ian will support your application"
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If you think about it, "retiree" fits this thread.
An "ee" is someone to whom something is done. A decision is handed to a referee. A lessor lets to a lessee.
A retiree is someone who has been retired.
I plan on being a retirer. But you never know what life will bring.
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tea up? a cracking idea grommit!
Drum up.
As in, "to drum up support"? If so then this one goes back a loooong way. Probably to the practice of recruiting parties (and other mountebanks) having someone beating a drum to attract the attention of the yokels as a prelude to trying to sell some deeply dodgy idea (like getting killed in a foreign war for the local headman is better than following the plough) or useless product (anything make by K-Tel or Ronco - one for older readers there). Not sure that makes it, "insane management speak", more, "devious marketing scum speak". Alert readers may be able to detect slight traces of bias in the foregoing.
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Drum up also means to mash a brew in the open air during a pause in a bike ride, so I have no problem with that at all.
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Drum up also means to mash a brew in the open air during a pause in a bike ride, so I have no problem with that at all.
that's what I meant
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The granularity and sophistication by which the activities and resources are carried out will vary as a factor of how the forum scales up
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No, granularity varies as a factor of how the kettle scales up.
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You are bust. Oh, ok then will restrict my bonus to £6m this year.
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Diamond Geezer has them all in his blog post today...http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.co.uk (http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.co.uk)
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I've failed to really get started with cycling-related analogies in meetings. Yesterday though I managed to get something like this into a project meeting
-There's a small benefit but it would be tricky to implement. If we need that extra push... if we need to go to 11...
So I'll repeat that whenever it's even slightly appropriate. And perhaps when it's not- since that seems typical. I misquoted but that gives it a kind of authenticity.
I can't wait until a project team has a key member redeployed; time for a Jazz Odyssey reference.
-
is it just my work where the term "workshop" has sprung up as a euphemism for "meeting" or is this used in other offices?
-
You're not entirely alone. Its a way of saying "meeting, but hopefully a bit more productive than sitting on your arse and pontificating"
-
though actually less.
-
Where I am workshops tend to be about promoting management 'initiatives', whereas meetings are where you discuss ways to work around the effects of earlier initiatives.
On another topic, our CEO often says 'for sure'. Like 'our competitors are working just as hard to secure market share, for sure'. Recently I've noticed a lot of senior managers using the same phrase with some regularity.
One day I want to hear the CEO say 'we must go to 11, for sure'
-
Now thinking of the guitar solo/ violin tuning tweak scene. That happens a lot at work doesn't it?
-
You're only allowed to say "for sure" if:
- You're a racing or rally driver, and
- a FOREIGN
Anyone else doing so is clearly a git.
-
For sure
-
Our CEO is Danish, so perhaps he's excused. Some of those adopting the phrase are from the UK.
-
Is your CEO a rally driver? Scandinavians seem terribly good at that sort of thing.
-
A colleague has been sent a short note from one of our offices in the Far East that notes that they have suggested to PO (presumably someone in that office) that ‘he can perhaps leverage your team for our upcoming data centre refit’. The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggesting that this is something to which my team will be able to add value.
WTF are they talking about?
Actually, after puzzling over this for about 10 minutes I think I understand it but why do they feel the need to 'communicate' like this.
GRRRR!
-
‘he can perhaps leverage your team for our upcoming data centre refit’
"He can perhaps ask your team for help, guidance and/or assistance for our upcoming data centre refit"
The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggesting that this is something to which my team will be able to add value.
"The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggestion that this is something which my team can help with."
-
Thanks for that and yes, I came to the same conclusion that this is probably what they mean. I'll let you know if it isn't!
-
being a somewhat outlier group in the department in terms of our discipline, we spent a year trying to ensure that every seminar we gave had the phrase 'multidimensional hyperspace', which really means we are exmaining the effect of two or more variables..
-
The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.
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The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.
Just wait until it morphs into "On a go forward basis".
"basis" seems to be a very important management speak word. I mean, why just say "daily" when you can say "on a day to day basis"?
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From our increasingly deranged marketing and product management apparatus: 'start socializing the changes to the process'.
I've been exposed to levels of management- and marketing-speak that would kill a normal man, but even I had a wtf for a moment there. I presume they mean communicate. For people whose job is in fact communication they're curiously and splendidly bad at it.
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The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.
Every manager, plus a good number of drones, use 'going forward' where I work.
I even use it myself, 'in future' is beginning to sound weird.
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From our increasing deranged marketing and product management apparatus: 'start socializing the changes to the process'.
I've been exposed to levels of management- and marketing-speak that would kill a normal man, but even I had a wtf for a moment there. I presume they mean communicate. For people whose job is in fact communication they're curiously and splendidly bad at it.
That is particularly irritating.
My outfit 'socialised' the changes to the group's travel policy, and they are still, genuinely, scratching their collective heads trying to work out why no-one complies with it, about five years after the event.
-
'start socializing the changes to the process'.
Haven't heard that one yet, my organisation is- ahem- behind the curve when it comes to the implementation of insane management speak but when they do implement it is done very enthusiastically.
-
Our director has a new one. People are "sighted on" or "not sighted on" a variety of projects at the moment. >:(
-
Surely that's sightist?
-
Are you sure it's not 'cited'?
Not that it makes much (any?) sense, either way. :facepalm:
-
Maybe they are sitting or camping on the projects?
-
'start socializing the changes to the process'.
Haven't heard that one yet, my organisation is- ahem- behind the curve when it comes to the implementation of insane management speak but when they do implement it is done very enthusiastically.
We do proactive solution recommendations. I admit to using this one. It usually means that I'm about to really, really rude to someone aboard the mothership.
-
Me: "What's that you're doing?"
Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."
("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
-
Me: "What's that you're doing?"
Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."
("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
You're OK. The correct reply would have been "Actually, no, its not a game, it's an opportunity."
-
Our chief exec has an irresistible urge to use the word "leveraged" or "leveraging" at least once per missive or utterance. He always pronounces it "levveridge", short "e", which I find just as annoying as the word itself. "Lee-verage" surely?
-
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
-
Mrs Thor was recently advised by a manager that he would be "verbatim-ing your comments" :facepalm:
-
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
-
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
...and almost everyone misuses it! >:(
The financial meaning is to buy another company, borrowing the money to do so on the security of the company you're buying (e.g. Glazer Brothers and Man U). It does not mean 'telling a new client about stuff we do for our current clients' or any of the other meaningless 'I can't think of the right word so I'll use management-speak instead' ways it's used.
(No, not a pet hate at all...)
-
Me: "What's that you're doing?"
Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."
("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
I tend to use "game" as a verb, as in "they've learnt to game the risk ratings". This is legitimate English as it means "to play for a stake" or (in this case) "to take dishonest advantage of".
-
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
...and almost everyone misuses it! >:(
The financial meaning is to buy another company, borrowing the money to do so on the security of the company you're buying (e.g. Glazer Brothers and Man U). It does not mean 'telling a new client about stuff we do for our current clients' or any of the other meaningless 'I can't think of the right word so I'll use management-speak instead' ways it's used.
(No, not a pet hate at all...)
Leverage is a lost battle and I think it's fine to use in a generic context, much like reflected in the finance usage, to indicate using something small to a larger advantage, as a figurative lever. It's quite a useful word. What it is though, is still massively overused. We leverage everything regardless of its leverability. Our entire management apparatus is in a perpetual, suspended state of leverage.
Innovative is bugging me. Someone decided a while back that everything we do is innovative. We're breathing innovation. We're probably farting innovation. We're bathed in an atmosphere of our own fragrant innovation. Thing is, dear marketing drone, if you have to tell someone that you're innovative, then you're probably not. Management have taken that on board and now they're innovating. We now have innovation everything, like it's a nasty rash.
-
Our chief exec has an irresistible urge to use the word "leveraged" or "leveraging" at least once per missive or utterance. He always pronounces it "levveridge", short "e", which I find just as annoying as the word itself. "Lee-verage" surely?
Our CEO says "We are where we are" a lot.
-
Me: "What's that you're doing?"
Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."
("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
I tend to use "game" as a verb, as in "they've learnt to game the risk ratings". This is legitimate English as it means "to play for a stake" or (in this case) "to take dishonest advantage of".
About the most direct one is allowed to be about private providers is to suggest they are 'gaming' the figures. Harsh criticism indeed.
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Our chief exec has an irresistible urge to use the word "leveraged" or "leveraging" at least once per missive or utterance. He always pronounces it "levveridge", short "e", which I find just as annoying as the word itself. "Lee-verage" surely?
Our CEO says "We are where we are" a lot.
"well we're not where we're not, so we must be where we are"
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No silly catchphrases here, just good, old fashioned wordiness:
hereby informs that it intends, under Article 31a of the Polish Public Procurement Law (Dz. U. of 2010, No. 113, item 759, as amended), to carry out technical dialogue for the purpose of receiving advice allowing for obtaining information necessary for preparing the description of the object of the contract for:
-
I make that a notice of talks about talks about talks about talks about a paper for signing.
-
Don't want to be too hasty.
-
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
...and almost everyone misuses it! >:(
The financial meaning is to buy another company, borrowing the money to do so on the security of the company you're buying (e.g. Glazer Brothers and Man U). It does not mean 'telling a new client about stuff we do for our current clients' or any of the other meaningless 'I can't think of the right word so I'll use management-speak instead' ways it's used.
(No, not a pet hate at all...)
Leverage is a lost battle and I think it's fine to use in a generic context, much like reflected in the finance usage, to indicate using something small to a larger advantage, as a figurative lever. It's quite a useful word. What it is though, is still massively overused. We leverage everything regardless of its leverability. Our entire management apparatus is in a perpetual, suspended state of leverage.
Innovative is bugging me. Someone decided a while back that everything we do is innovative. We're breathing innovation. We're probably farting innovation. We're bathed in an atmosphere of our own fragrant innovation. Thing is, dear marketing drone, if you have to tell someone that you're innovative, then you're probably not. Management have taken that on board and now they're innovating. We now have innovation everything, like it's a nasty rash.
Grrrr, it is NOT a lost battle! Stop bloody using it and it will minimise the spread. It is a truly awful term, doesn't make sense in the slightest in the way it is often used, and anyone who uses it should be thrown in a pit of festering dog vomit till they see the error of their ways.
-
'We've been able to squash the fruit at the bottom of the tree but are just now managing to pull at the higher branches'
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The company I work for is mercifully free of such nonsense. In my experience stupid management phrases come down from the top, when I worked for O2 it appeared the directors and senior management team had invented their own language. Then of course all their minions copy them.
The CEO of my current employer is a decent bloke (a cyclist) and a straight talking Scot in this late 50s who just uses normal language - to his eternal credit.
-
I currently hate, with a passion, 'the right fact pattern'. It's used by a clique to appear cleverer than the minions.
And when you're selling the 'fact pattern' is always right.
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In my position as cleaner at work, I recently asked the boss if we could get a new bundled cordage horizontal surface wet cleanser.
After all, the old mop is starting to shed bits. He giggled.
-
I currently hate, with a passion, 'the right fact pattern'. It's used by a clique to appear cleverer than the minions.
And when you're selling the 'fact pattern' is always right.
I'm obviously a minion as I do not have a clue what that actually means.
-
Someone actually used the phrase " inversely busy" to me yesterday to describe his department as quiet :hand:
-
This is a peach:
http://youtu.be/NTNlRjx0H1M
The only sad bit being that the woman is now the head of HMRC....
-
just had an email from a recruitment agent 'we are looking to on-shore a new team"
"on-shore".. :sick: :sick: is that a verb??!! :o
-
just had an email from a recruitment agent 'we are looking to on-shore a new team"
"on-shore".. :sick: :sick: is that a verb??!! :o
We have "on-boarding" -- I wonder if it means the same thing?
-
On-boarding is what happens immediately after someone has been recruited.
On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.
-
I work with an organisation that uses the term "on-boarding" when referring to bringing on new clients to use their services. Whenever I hear/see it I can't help but think of 'water-boarding' and that the latter would often be much more interesting / appropriate.
-
On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.
Doesn't on-shoring involve reversing the previous off-shoring exercise?
-
On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.
Doesn't on-shoring involve reversing the previous off-shoring exercise?
I've heard it used where there had been no previous off-shoring. But you're right, it should logically follow off-shoring.
-
http://stevenpoole.net/blog/who-touched-base-in-my-thought-shower/
-
Systematise.
Just heard it in a talk on online marketing. It must be working because I am online during it...
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405
-
Gawd, just glancing through this thread gives me that horrible, browned-off cold-tea stale-biscuits four-o'clock-of-a-November-afternoon feeling. I'm thankful that most of the software-marketing meetings I ever attended were carried out in German: at least it wasn't my language they were trashing.
Fun was when we had US subcontractors present & our marketing manager spoke English. He always confused the words button and bottom. "We haff a row of bottoms on top of the screen" etc.
-
LOL, it's only just occurred to me, I've been working for a trade union for the last couple of years and there is almost no bullshit bingo speak - on the one or two occasions I've heard someone say 'touch base' they've had sideways glances like they've just farted.
-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405)
Alistair Cooke, broadcaster of Letter from America, remembered a choice phrase from World War Two, during a meeting of commanders in General Eisenhower's headquarters in London.
An American colonel said: "How many ICPs have been counted?"
"What," asked Winston Churchill, "are ICPs?"
"Impaired combatant personnel, sir."
"Never let me hear that detestable phrase again. If you're talking about British troops, you will refer to them as wounded soldiers."
Alistair Cooke concluded: "Muddy language proceeds from muddy minds."
-
Email trail regarding short (5 slide) presentation.
Email 1
Hi Jacs,
Please would you intensify the verbiage and revert.
Thanks
$Person
Email 2
Hi $Person,
Please clarify what parts you are referring to and what exactly you are requesting I do to it.
Thanks,
J
Email 3
It's simple: make it more complex.
:facepalm:
-
^^^ Words fail me.
-
Email 3
It's simple: make it more complex.
:facepalm:
Per your sig...
_________
, -‘” ``~ ,
, -” “- ,
,/ ”:,
,? \,
/ ,}
/ ,:`^` }
/ ,:” /
? __ :` /
/__ ( “~-,_ ,:` /
/(_ ”~,_ “~,_ ,:` _/
{ _$;_ ”=,_ “-,_ , -~-,}, ~”; / }
(( *~_ ”=- _ “;,, /` /” / /
\`~, “~ , ` } /
( `=-,, ` ( ;_,,-”
/ `~, `- \ /\
\`~ *-, |, / \,__
,,_ } >- _\ | `=~-,
`=~-,_\_ `\, \
`=~-,, \, \
`:,, `\ __
`=-, ,%`>--==``
_\ _,-% `
Does your colleague have pointy hair, or is he actually Cthulhu in disguise, intent on stealing everybody's sanity?
Joking aside, actually wanting presentation slides to made less comprehensible suggests an intent to deceive the audience...
-
That's an exciting new meaning of 'revert'... :facepalm:
-
My corporate presentations now feature a Klingon with the catchphrase 'eat my toast, muthaf*cker' and a cat who finds tweeting ignominious.
(http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn190/ianp_photo/klingon001.jpg) (http://s304.photobucket.com/user/ianp_photo/media/klingon001.jpg.html)
It's all part of my campaign of corporate disorientation (this presentation was based on Reservoir Dogs). I've created a stick figure universe to replace my previous mustelids with post-it notes experience. They'll be back, I'm sure.
-
I prepare my slides using the XKCD comic generator. It makes them so much more comprehensible and hip with the audience.
-
I prepare my slides using the XKCD comic generator. It makes them so much more comprehensible and hip with the audience.
You probably can't tell, but I draw mine myself.
I dropped out of O Level art quite early. It was either this or become a tattoo artist.
They're actually bleed over from another project, other than the Klingon and the cat, who are new to this enterprise.
You know that you can only say 'hip' ironically. It's one of the few words in the English language that is self-ironising. The other one is 'innovative'.
-
I think many of these words and phrases are perfectly acceptable so long as they are left in the meeting room and do not make it into the Pub.
"Downsizing" would be an inappropriate term to request half a pint.
"Paradigm Shift"should never be used to suggest trying Pear Cider instead of Bitter.
However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head" (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.
-
Hi Jacs,
Please would you intensify the verbiage and revert.
Thanks
$Person
Select-all, bold (or maybe italic caps?), undo I'd have thought. I guess you need to have track changes on to show that you've actually done what was asked.
However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head" (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.
Surely leverage is what is required to get back up after too much of the aforementioned pear cider perry? :P
-
That's an exciting new meaning of 'revert'... :facepalm:
Often used by my offshore overseas colleagues.
I alo used to work with one that used 'report' (ie rapportare) for postpone.
The joys of ESOL.
I can understand each individual word that comes out of $YourUKColleage's mouth, but I've no idea what he means they way he puts them together.
(UKColleague being 2-3 layers higher up the greasy pole).
-
They're actually bleed over from ...
?!?
-
I thought 'revert' in that email meant 'reply to this mail'. No?
-
I thought 'revert' in that email meant 'reply to this mail'. No?
Evidently.
Because otherwise it would be requesting that they add complexity to the presentation, then take it away again.
-
Well, that's assuming its meaning in the mail is something akin to its everyday meaning. Or that it even has a meaning.
-
They're actually bleed over from
?!?
another project?
-
They're actually bleed over from
?!?
every orifice.
-
My Prince 2 Practioner qualification lapses this month and I will be needing it no longer, as my boots are well and truly hung. I never did manage to explain, with any level of comprehension from senior managers, that project managers don't make decisions. (discuss amongst yourselves) Clarity of communication and role congruity is hugely important. I blame mgt consultants (the not so good ones) for introducing pseudo scientific jargon for the purpose of justifying their fees and muddying waters overall. I must qualify that by expressing huge admiration for some management academics and practioners.
-
I thought 'revert' in that email meant 'reply to this mail'. No?
Evidently.
Because otherwise it would be requesting that they add complexity to the presentation, then take it away again.
"Muddy language proceeds from muddy minds." ;D
-
Not sure if it has been done but as consultants we used to talk about 'rolling off' a client at the end of a project. Very appropriate description in my view.
-
I think many of these words and phrases are perfectly acceptable so long as they are left in the meeting room and do not make it into the Pub.
"Downsizing" would be an inappropriate term to request half a pint.
"Paradigm Shift"should never be used to suggest trying Pear Cider instead of Bitter.
However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head" (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.
So "blue sky thinking" doesn't mean "let's have a barbie"?
-
Email 3
It's simple: make it more complex.
:facepalm:
Per your sig...
_________
, -‘” ``~ ,
, -” “- ,
,/ ”:,
,? \,
/ ,}
/ ,:`^` }
/ ,:” /
? __ :` /
/__ ( “~-,_ ,:` /
/(_ ”~,_ “~,_ ,:` _/
{ _$;_ ”=,_ “-,_ , -~-,}, ~”; / }
(( *~_ ”=- _ “;,, /` /” / /
\`~, “~ , ` } /
( `=-,, ` ( ;_,,-”
/ `~, `- \ /\
\`~ *-, |, / \,__
,,_ } >- _\ | `=~-,
`=~-,_\_ `\, \
`=~-,, \, \
`:,, `\ __
`=-, ,%`>--==``
_\ _,-% `
Does your colleague have pointy hair, or is he actually Cthulhu in disguise, intent on stealing everybody's sanity?
Joking aside, actually wanting presentation slides to made less comprehensible suggests an intent to deceive the audience...
:D
I spoke to $Person, to find out what any why I needed to do it. Apparently, even though I had produced material to suit the audience, I was in danger of damaging the brand message by making a very complex process seem easy, which could lead to the clients deciding to do the work themselves instead of using us.
$Person failed to see my logic of 1) They have already signed the contract for the work, 2) They have already paid us for the work, 3) Its as good as impossible for them to 'go it alone'. So, being a good drone, I added in all the irrelevant stuff I'd cut out, the length doubled, so much of my time was wasted and the clients time sitting through it.
In the pub afterward, they joked that they thought they were paying us in order to avoid all the legal and administrative aspects of the work!
-
"Putting together the pipelines," was how Pfizer chief executive Ian Read explained his proposed takeover of British drugmaking rival AstraZeneca.
Unlike Bulgaria that says it is stopping work on the pipeline due to the proposed takeover of the Ukraine.
http://www.bbc.com/news/business-27755032
There is a real pipeline in there somewhere.
-
"Silos"??? I think I'm about to be made redundant by an American with no clear sense of grammar. And this, in a publishing company too.
This appeared at my previous jbex shortly before a Several of people were Brutally Slain. That was a publishing company too, which had recently undergone a sudden and unwanted influx of USAnians
-
I'm easily annoyed, and one or two really stupid bits of gobbledeegook have crept in to everybody's language at work. They are attempting to fawn over big big big boss I guess. The first is "piece", as in "we need to be seen to be owning that piece". This is often coupled with "story", as in " we need to be seen to be owning that piece of the story". When big big big boss talks to us, I often start counting how many "story"s are uttered, however unfortunately I soon zone out and stop counting t 20 or so.
-
Piece? ??? There are two possibilities; either you're dealing in illegal guns, :( or you're eating cake. ;D
-
"We need to be owning that piece"
"We are going to steal that Scottish person's lunch"
-
We don't actually need to own it. It just has to look like it. :)
Luckily the company is fairly techy, within which it seems that more and more florid and indecipherable phrases creep in, the closer you are to "architect" level. Normal everyday communication is fairly clear, apart from all the TLAs we use.
-
And onces you reach "architect" level, you are obliged to do one or more of the following:
- get some Ti rimless specs
- shave your head
- buy a Saab
;D
-
And here is a song for you all, courtesy of the brilliant "Weird Al" Yankovic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyV_UG60dD4
-
This thread is now concluded.
-
Wretched GEMA!
(https://scontent-a-fra.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t1.0-9/10553580_10152170483536786_3142957048050763373_n.jpg)
(The German music copyrighting agency).
-
You could hit his site directly - http://www.weirdal.com/
-
Yeah, but no mention of Off-shoring, near-shoring, re-shoring, brown bag session or town hall.
-
I actually played Bullshit Bingo yesterday. There was an "Ask The Board" thing and I elected to watch it streamed onto a large TV in a "breakout area", somebody had printed out cards. Nobody got a full house but I won a pack of chocolate buttons for getting three in a row.
-
Excelllent! (I assume noone has a square for "breakout area"?)
-
Here's something I read in the early hours of this morning:
"Languages long dead invented wonderful words they handed down to us for eternity. Whereas our modern languages, when they died - which was inevitable, since every tongue on earth was becoming a colony of American English, itself dying a slow death by suicide - what words would they hand down to posterity? Junked? Kickback? Normalcy?"
The Treasure Hunt ~ Andrea Camilleri
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More of an annoying distortion of meaning:
Current employers use "configured" [documents] to mean:
scanned and saved in a database, thenceforth under version control.
Is this common?!? Cant say I like it!
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More of an annoying distortion of meaning:
Current employers use "configured" [documents] to mean:
scanned and saved in a database, thenceforth under version control.
Is this common?!? Cant say I like it!
Hmm, can of worms time. Strictly speaking, there's no real point in 'configuring' a document which isn't going to change.
But configuration management for documents which do change is, although a pain and a bore, a VERY GOOD IDEA.
-
oh, ive got nothing against version control (and change control in general). Especially if someone else does all the work!
My problem is with the "configure" jargon. This is what the word _really_ means:
con·fig·ure
\kən-ˈfi-gyər, especially British -ˈfi-gər\
verb
: to arrange or prepare (something) so that it can be used
transitive verb
:to set up for operation especially in a particular way <a fighter plane configured for the Malaysian air force>
-
'Vountary', as in 'voluntary redundancy' as used by the Civil Service.
What it really means is "If you agree to call this enforced lay-off 'voluntary', then we will give you a tiny bit more money."
-
"Obviously this company is a key player in the fertiliser space. I think we can probably say that we are number one in the world when it comes to phosphate rock production with 7.5 million tonnes of phosphate rock every year."
So they're number one in the number two space? :D
-
"Value engineering".
Sounds very positive. Sounds like summat I'd endorse / want more of / recommend as A Good Thing.
Turns out it's modern-speak for chopping bits of a project 'cos the money is running short. The latest edition of the project plans have lots of "VE" annotations printed across elements.
-
Value engineering is surely cuttign costs to make it as cheap as possible.
-
More of an annoying distortion of meaning:
Current employers use "configured" [documents] to mean:
scanned and saved in a database, thenceforth under version control.
Is this common?!? Cant say I like it!
Yes, it is. As a former Release and Configuration Manager with time served in two blue chip companies, I can tell you that the real nomenclature should vary by industry. Many organisations confuse simple document version control with configuration management of their software.
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"Value engineering".
Sounds very positive. Sounds like summat I'd endorse / want more of / recommend as A Good Thing.
Turns out it's modern-speak for chopping bits of a project 'cos the money is running short. The latest edition of the project plans have lots of "VE" annotations printed across elements.
Yeah, our building suffered from a lot of that :demon:
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"I don't want problems I want solutions"
From a 'manager' who required sheds moving after an H&S audit. Said sheds contain a lot of equipment which requires said sheds for their continued safe storage. The above utterance was after my boss asked his boss where he wanted the sheds moved to.
::-)
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Are the sheds about the size of a car parking space, the manager's car parking space to be precise? That would be a solution.
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Apologies if someone has mentioned it before, but:
Thought Leadership (as in "could you write a 800 word thought leadership piece for our CEO?".)
aka
Opinion
-
Oh yuck!
-
Opinion is all very well, though I've head "you're a person with opinions" used as a put down. However, I'd have hoped "thinking" and "leading" were part of the CEO's JD.
I saw an announcement of a "task and finish" group today. Does that just mean "do something and actually finish it", and if so does that really need a name?
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I was accused of lateral thinking once upon a time. ....ho hum.
-
Lateral thinking, longitudinal action? Or something...
-
Opinion is all very well, though I've head "you're a person with opinions" used as a put down. However, I'd have hoped "thinking" and "leading" were part of the CEO's JD.
I saw an announcement of a "task and finish" group today. Does that just mean "do something and actually finish it", and if so does that really need a name?
I wonder if that is the same as the old 'Job and Knock' days when I worked scaffolding- arrive, do the job and knock off.
-
I'm actually a Thought Leader. It's true.
-
Let's park that in the ideas fridge and we can snack on it later.
-
Let's park that in the ideas fridge and we can snack on it later.
That's pure Gus Hedges...
-
In a project set up meeting with a new client recently. I asked a question, fundamental to the way the project proceeds.
The response: "Let's not go into overt problem solving mode too prematurely...." :facepalm:
-
Let's park that in the ideas fridge and we can snack on it later.
That's pure Gus Hedges...
One of my colleagues heard it on the radio the other day in a piece about insane management speak. She dared me to get it into my words today when I was facilitating discussion at an integration thing. I did it. ;D
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"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."
The Management to two hairy arsed facilities blokes as instructions about the schools christmas tree- a 12 foot fake with 2 sets of lights and 3 boxes of deccies. Tree needs tethering at the top to a nearby structure to prevent 'accidents'
Kids are all out at 3:30 and we go home at 5:00.
Insane I tell you ::-)
-
Sounds like approval for an overtime payment to me...
What other interpretation is possible? :P
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"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."
Drat - when I first saw this I was expecting some bizarre analogy, with no trees and kids actually involved. I spent several moments wondering wot on EARTH it could mean.
:facepalm:
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"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."
Drat - when I first saw this I was expecting some bizarre analogy, with no trees and kids actually involved. I spent several moments wondering wot on EARTH it could mean.
:facepalm:
;D
-
"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."
I like that. It's given me an idea: sounds like insane management metaphor but is in fact literal.
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"It can wash its face"
-
"It can wash its face"
Commonly used up here. Means that the event breaks even or better.
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"It can wash its face"
Commonly used up here. Means that the event breaks even or better.
Yep, I've heard it a few times "down here" in that context.
A quick google suggests its more commonly used to indicate profitable businesses, but fails to tell me the derivation. A challenge for someone clvererer than me!
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Sounds like something off Silence Of The Lambs :-\
-
Washing lambs faces is a common task undertaken by those farmers who want to achieve higher prices as the animals go through an auction ring. (One of my schoolfriends was often absent on Friday as they prepared their lambs for sale at the local market held on Saturday.)
Not sure if that is the origin though.
-
I'd always imagined it was a reference to young or newborn animals - lambs or kittens I guess - becoming able to wash their own faces and so demonstrating that they are robust and independently viable. No source for that, just the picture that expression conjures up if I think about it.
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That makes perfect sense. To my ears, when used by non-farming southeners to describe an app it sounds like insane management speak.
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How many times can you get change into a job advert
Job Description:
Great opportunity for 2 established Change Consultants to join a well-respected public sector organisation. Candidates with a slant towards people oriented change initiatives are particularly encouraged to apply.
2 Change Consultants required (1 senior / 1 Junior) on a 12-18 month fixed term contract by our public sector client based in Essex. Reporting to the Change Manager you will support the delivery of change programmes at business and project level which in turn contribute to an overall organisational change programme.
The ideal candidates for this role will have significant experience around people oriented change initiatives / projects, potentially in a public sector setting. The Change Consultant will support the both the development and implementation of change plans for a business areas. The Change Consultants role will be to apply a consistent change methodology helping to ensure that the benefits of the change programmes are fully realised and that sustainable change is delivered.
This is a great opportunity for a people oriented Change professional to join a well-respected organisation in their field. Our client is looking for a quick turnaround and is offering a competitive salary so please send your CV today to apply.
Skills:
•Application of effective change tools to diagnose the scale and impact of the proposed changes
•Development of innovative targeted change interventions to enable sustainable transformational change.
•Co-production, management and implementation of change plans
•Providing change expertise and advice to key stakeholders.
•A deep understanding of people change and its complexities
•A track record of supporting, implementing and enabling successful transformational change
Person Specification:
•Resilience, self-management and confident working within a changing environment with a wide range of people
•A strong team player who excels in a collaborative environment.
-
:'(
How many times can you get change into a job advert
Job Description:
Great opportunity for 2 established Change Consultants to join a well-respected public sector organisation. Candidates with a slant towards people oriented change initiatives are particularly encouraged to apply.
2 Change Consultants required (1 senior / 1 Junior) on a 12-18 month fixed term contract by our public sector client based in Essex. Reporting to the Change Manager you will support the delivery of change programmes at business and project level which in turn contribute to an overall organisational change programme.
The ideal candidates for this role will have significant experience around people oriented change initiatives / projects, potentially in a public sector setting. The Change Consultant will support the both the development and implementation of change plans for a business areas. The Change Consultants role will be to apply a consistent change methodology helping to ensure that the benefits of the change programmes are fully realised and that sustainable change is delivered.
This is a great opportunity for a people oriented Change professional to join a well-respected organisation in their field. Our client is looking for a quick turnaround and is offering a competitive salary so please send your CV today to apply.
Skills:
•Application of effective change tools to diagnose the scale and impact of the proposed changes
•Development of innovative targeted change interventions to enable sustainable transformational change.
•Co-production, management and implementation of change plans
•Providing change expertise and advice to key stakeholders.
•A deep understanding of people change and its complexities
•A track record of supporting, implementing and enabling successful transformational change
Person Specification:
•Resilience, self-management and confident working within a changing environment with a wide range of people
•A strong team player who excels in a collaborative environment.
Will the Change Consultants deliver Change on the B Ark?
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How many times can you get change into a job advert
Reminds me of an xkcd graph predicting how prevalent and then dominant the word 'sustainable' will become, extrapolated from recent trends: http://xkcd.com/1007
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Preparatory work for the K2 Workflow Service on the Land MOSS Farm took place on the weekend of 11th April 2015. Once fully enabled, the K2 Workflow Service will provide an Enterprise-wide platform to allow the MOD to develop, administer and run workflow solutions that will support business processes.
:sick:
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Preparatory work for the K2 Workflow Service on the Land MOSS Farm took place on the weekend of 11th April 2015. Once fully enabled, the K2 Workflow Service will provide an Enterprise-wide platform to allow the MOD to develop, administer and run workflow solutions that will support business processes.
:sick:
*Points Guy in general direction of the armoury. Provides chitty authorising use of live ammunition* Have fun. :)
-
If the MOD needs land for a moss farm, K2 is most unlikely to be the ideal location for it.
-
Preparatory work for the K2 Workflow Service on the Land MOSS Farm took place on the weekend of 11th April 2015. Once fully enabled, the K2 Workflow Service will provide an Enterprise-wide platform to allow the MOD to develop, administer and run workflow solutions that will support business processes.
:sick:
Probably a sign I've been sitting too close to the Sharepoint team at work, but that reads perfectly and makes sense to me. :facepalm:
(MOSS == Microsoft Office SharePoint Server)
-
If the MOD needs land for a moss farm, K2 is most unlikely to be the ideal location for it.
;D
-
If the MOD needs land for a moss farm, K2 is most unlikely to be the ideal location for it.
Won't stop someone in Ministry of Defence procurement circles from being convinced that it is a great idea and cheap as chips though.
-
The finance director of a company I am working with constantly uses the term "positive jaws" when commenting on the performance of bits of the business. Nobody I have asked knows what he means by it, even though quite a few have started using it themselves, yet nobody has yet had the courage to ask the FD what he means by it either...
Anyone know?
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http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/comment/10414168/Barclays-boss-will-have-to-discover-his-inner-Fred-the-Shred.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaws_ratio
http://www.waywordradio.org/positive_jaws_1/
Nothing about the movie.
-
The finance director of a company I am working with constantly uses the term "positive jaws" when commenting on the performance of bits of the business. Nobody I have asked knows what he means by it, even though quite a few have started using it themselves, yet nobody has yet had the courage to ask the FD what he means by it either...
Anyone know?
it means he is a wnaker
-
W1A is back, so there should be some more silly speaks making their way into general use.
-
Have we had 'bandwidth', we must have done, sales are unsure if your taking the proverbial when you reply with the IT dept's email address when there is 'sub-optimal bandwidth'. Mind you the following conversation gave him a clue
Me: do you need a mirror?
Him: why?
Me: in order to see out of your rectum
My popularity knows no bounds.
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Elsewhere on that Intertubes, that they have now, someone swears blind that he actually heard the actual word "performativity" (meaning "performance") actually being used. As the subject under discussion was Formula One motor racing, it is suspected that the culprit is a Mr Ronald "Ron" Dennis of Surrey and rural Neptune.
-
Looking at the business stats is now "pulse checking."
-
I think performativity is subtly different from performance, though I'm not sure I can articulate the nuance (Mrs Dr W is a drama and performance studies academic; having been to the pub with her colleagues, I am sure that its been used in conversation on multiple occasions...)
-
Well resistance is different from resistivity.
Resistance measures the property of a particular object, item or device, and tells us about that object. Resistivity is a measure of a standardised unit of the substance, and tells us about the properties of the underlying substance, as opposed to any object composed of that substance. (If you changed the shape or size of the object, its resistance would change, but the resistivity of the substance wouldn't.)
I'm not really sure how you apply that distinction to performance. There's a definition of performativity here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Performativity), but it just seems to be a noun derived from a verb that was itself derived from a noun, in the same way as burglarised is a verb derived from a noun derived from a verb.
Personally, I'm waiting to hear burglarisationing and performatising.
-
I have a friend who described his return to the US as being 'repatriotized'.
-
Are these not all Bushisms?
-
Workative is a word my son and his friends use. It seems to mean something like hardworking (in a school context, for them). Perhaps -ative is simply the ending du jour.
-
'Suffixative' perhaps ?
:-)
-
you'll be coatative then?
-
Different suffixes are more or less suffixical at different historative periods. See today's sig line (28th April), which rather makes me ::-).
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Just got this on a (work) blog I follow...
OK. Who was the knucklehead who thought up the ridiculous corporatism of “I don’t disagree”?
Seriously. What does this mouth turd even mean?
Does it mean that you simply don’t want to commit to a position? Do you need more time to determine a position? Is your ego too large to admit that someone else is right? Do you really disagree but are too spineless to say it? Were you not listening and needed to spout some statement to save face?
We owe it to each other to speak clearly, to engage in meaningful dialogue about important topics, and to convey our thoughts and positions. When political correctness overrides fiduciary responsibility, we destroy stakeholder value. Get rid of this piece of mouth trash from your repertoire.
:)
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Back to the suffixes. Today I've heard 'consumptive' used to mean 'consuming a large amount'. Despite this being in the context of healthcare - 'people are less consumptive of healthcare' - it was clear what was meant. Even when they went on talk about drug-resistant TB!
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Dan's ranter was doing nicely until s/he used the phrase "stakeholder value". The only thing I know about stakeholders is that Mikell Howerd doesn't like them.
-
We have 'stakeholders' in everything aboard the mothership. As a person who spends a lot of time daydreaming about vampire librarians, this keeps me moderately entertained in meetings.
-
daydreaming about vampire librarians
This sick filth should be confined to NSFW.
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"Associative Collaboration Partner" = External contractor.
Why they couldn't have just said "We used $PrintCo. for our latest run of brochures, because they were the cheapest." instead of using 6, yes, 6 PowerPoint slides to describe the process of selecting an Associative Collaboration Partner to print the brochures Tactile Marketing Media. :facepalm:
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"Associative Collaboration Partner" = External contractor.
Why they couldn't have just said "We used $PrintCo. for our latest run of brochures, because they were the cheapest." instead of using 6, yes, 6 PowerPoint slides to describe the process of selecting an Associative Collaboration Partner to print the brochures Tactile Marketing Media. :facepalm:
Why talk sense when you can stand in front of people, press a remote to reveal the next torturous image and spout complete and utter bollocks instead?
-
Anybody watch Car Share on iPlayer? The last four or five minutes are truly classic! :thumbsup:
-
Stakeholders is a reasonably useful term in project management.
-
Agree ^^^^^^
-
Our HR Director is a great fan of the phrase 'rear view mirror gazing', but generally talks such utter sh!te that this is actually quite a relief.
-
This seems like the right place to leave this (via a mate on Twitter) - for fans of management bollocks and of Richard Scarry:
http://welcometobusinesstown.tumblr.com/
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Our new 'vision was outlined today. I've put an * in certain parts to edit names, etc
Dear colleagues,
As you will be aware, over the past few months I’ve been working with * to clearly understand the ‘As Is’ status of IT across *, and to also build a picture of the options which could define the ‘To be’ vision over the next 3 to 5 years. This has progressed well and the output will be presented to * later in July.
We do still to need to improve skills and capability in certain areas, such as relationship management and also working with our customers to clearly define and co-create services to ensure adoption, support and transparency. I will therefore be creating a new Information Technology Group consisting of senior key users and other IT suppliers *, to manage the portfolio of services, introduce new strategic initiatives and agree IT changes across the entire establishment.
The last piece of the puzzle still to be defined is how we can manage projects coming into the combined department as we integrate further over the next 12 months or so.
I’m keen to ensure we harvest those successful processes across the two divisions and combine them into a single best practice project delivery function as well as determine where *this is best governed as a formal PMO function.
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(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/CFlux-7WAAAYyq6.jpg) could well be the latest phrase to bring in. Just tell someone to FOCUS
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"Associative Collaboration Partner" = External contractor.
Why they couldn't have just said "We used $PrintCo. for our latest run of brochures, because they were the cheapest." instead of using 6, yes, 6 PowerPoint slides to describe the process of selecting an Associative Collaboration Partner to print the brochures Tactile Marketing Media. :facepalm:
Imagine my surprise, after nearly 20 years in the IT contracting market, to be told I am no longer a contractor but an "Associate". I have NEVER been to Dundee, and I can't sing....
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I have just "walked" out of an all team tele conference. It's just that if anyone else had employed the term "passionate" yet one more time I could well have exployed with sheer joy and passion. And that could have been quite messy. So I left on 'Health & Safety' grounds, didn't I?
And anyway, I needed my lunch and it was already well past my lunch time.
Sod 'em.
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Needing lunch is health and safety grounds. :thumbsup:
-
I'm doing a professional qualification at the moment and it seems to me very much that the aim of the exams is to get you spout as
much of this bollox many of these phrases as you can.
I actually managed 'triple bottom line' AND 'collaborative synergies' in this week's effort. I did do a little bit of sick as I wrote it, mind.
-
Triple bottom line... collaborative synergies... working together... I think this refers to group sex, fboab!
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"Triple bottom line" is sound, as far as I'm concerned.
-
"Transformation through engagement"....................... we plan it...we tell you about it and we listen to what you have to say. Then we take on board what you have to say and make any amendments to our plans as required.
I think.
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I'm doing a professional qualification at the moment and it seems to me very much that the aim of the exams is to get you spout as much of this bollox many of these phrases as you can.
I actually managed 'triple bottom line' AND 'collaborative synergies' in this week's effort. I did do a little bit of sick as I wrote it, mind.
I've done both project management and enterprise architecture qualifications, and it's explicitly part of those that you use the terminology. No doubt in others as well. Sadly, given that the two often need to work together, their usages are not entirely consistent...
I wouldn't necessarily categorise the terminology in those two fields as management speak, although one or two examples have turned up in this thread.
-
Enterprise architecture. To boldly build where no man has built before.
-
"Triple bottom line" is sound, as far as I'm concerned.
Really to change the world for the better, why not a quadruple (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEAJ741bxnY) bottom line?
-
Customer segmentation
I've just been to a management presentation where this was used. I hope it doesn't mean chopping our customers up into small bits.
Not small bits, probably just heads/limbs/torsos.
HTH
-
A piece on BBC Breakfast this morning about tiny tots "graduating" from nursery school. A child psychologist said something about the "Americanisation" of education, meaningless graduations, proms and the like was generally bad for children. Nursery Skool woman reassured her that "we celebrate all our children in a holistic fashion" :sick:
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Customer segmentation
I've just been to a management presentation where this was used. I hope it doesn't mean chopping our customers up into small bits.
Not small bits, probably just heads/limbs/torsos.
HTH
Yeah, neatly separated at joints.
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A piece on BBC Breakfast this morning about tiny tots "graduating" from nursery school. A child psychologist said something about the "Americanisation" of education, meaningless graduations, proms and the like was generally bad for children. Nursery Skool woman reassured her that "we celebrate all our children in a holistic fashion" :sick:
"an holistic" shirley. But, yes, Pre School graduation is A Thing <grinds teeth>.
-
Yep. Both my sprogs each got issued with a cape and mortarboard on the respective days they left their (otherwise excellent) nursery. :facepalm:
-
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-jjIAomvLPz8/Vbiz9K-ZJOI/AAAAAAAAy0A/6kFXjdqs8RA/s800-Ic42/Language%252520Helper.jpg)
-
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-jjIAomvLPz8/Vbiz9K-ZJOI/AAAAAAAAy0A/6kFXjdqs8RA/s800-Ic42/Language%252520Helper.jpg)
;D
I think "reach out" is the term I hate most, and it is the favourite of HR so is in all emails prepared by them for management. That and "onboarding" (which I'm apparently participating in/ inflicting on a new employee next week) - although there are few new positions so it doesn't get used much and there does seem to be a strong fight back by the "induction" supporters.
-
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...
W T actual F? :hand:
-
It's bliss this morning because I'm on holidays, so I miss the wade through the high tide of inbox sludge the mothership's upper deck leave behind overnight. So no 'innovation' (a word we're thoroughly intent on wearing down to dust) for me. I almost miss it in a not-at-all fashion. It's notable that all our senior management seem to have stopped work to dedicate their time to their blogs on our collaboration platform (when we're done with 'innovate' and it's little more than a smudge of grey word dust, 'collaborate' is going to be next in the grinder). OK, I know they don't write those blogs, they have minions to quantify their knowledge, but I'm glad they take the time to have someone else share their thoughts. I'm quite surprised our CEO hasn't asked me to write his blog.
-
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...
W T actual F? :hand:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))
A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".
-
And there was I imagining a large group with axes... ;)
-
I'm quite surprised our CEO hasn't asked me to write his blog.
You should volunteer your services, as long as you have another job lined up first.
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According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...
W T actual F? :hand:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))
A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".
No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.
-
No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.
Absolutely. Having such metaphors in play should be considered a foul, or at the very least offside. They should be kicked into touch at the first opportunity.
-
SWMBO had her appraisal yesterday. Her boss had it logged as her 'Talent Toolbox'.
:sick: and thrice :sick: :sick: :sick:
-
Boss sounds like a complete tool, and I don't mean a Topeak Alien either.
-
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...
W T actual F? :hand:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))
A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".
A sometimes deliberate misinterpretation of the principles of scrum/agile, or even sometimes a correct interpretation of them, can be and often is used as an excuse to avoid bothering doing a particular piece of work.
-
Boss sounds like a complete tool, and I don't mean a Topeak Alien either.
Topeak Aliens serve a much more useful purpose
-
No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.
Absolutely. Having such metaphors in play should be considered a foul, or at the very least offside. They should be kicked into touch at the first opportunity.
Everyone should run with that.
-
No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.
Absolutely. Having such metaphors in play should be considered a foul, or at the very least offside. They should be kicked into touch at the first opportunity.
Everyone should run with that.
OUT!
-
Barakta informs me that manglement in her place of ork have taken to using "bottom it out" to mean something approximating "finish a task".
Since "bottom out" is generally understood to mean that something has reached its lowest point, it stands to reason that "bottom it out" ought to imply that you're being instructed to fuck something up until it can't get any worse.
-
Barakta informs me that manglement in her place of ork have taken to using "bottom it out" to mean something approximating "finish a task".
Since "bottom out" is generally understood to mean that something has reached its lowest point, it stands to reason that "bottom it out" ought to imply that you're being instructed to fuck something up until it can't get any worse.
I have a perfect skill set and experience. How do I apply?
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Yesterday morning I had the pleasure of a "The Art Of being Brilliant" presentation.
All about mood hoovers and 2 percenters etc. The nub of it was that the really effective folk are happy cos they choose to be so.
I decided that I would stop being a miserable fucker when people stop pissing me off.
-
'smashed it'
Management here don't use this. It's bloody popular in restaurant kitchens. Apparently "absolutely smashed it" means "the restaurant was busy and we managed to cook all the food properly and on time.".
My son has been told he's up for promotion once he's smashed everything in the kitchen.
-
To further foster our customer centricity and to better align our structure to focus on customer needs the following management changes.
are announced
Reading between the lines-A was not able to acheive the astronomical budget that we set him so we have bought in B.
A will move to a non customer contact role.
-
As an antidote, here's some managementese set to a Crosby, Stills & Nash-style backing track:
"Weird Al" Yankovic - Mission Statement (https://youtu.be/GyV_UG60dD4) :demon:
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'smashed it'
Management here don't use this. It's bloody popular in restaurant kitchens. Apparently "absolutely smashed it" means "the restaurant was busy and we managed to cook all the food properly and on time.".
My son has been told he's up for promotion once he's smashed everything in the kitchen.
Are you sure it doesn't mean: "We ran out of proper potatoes"?
-
'smashed it'
Management here don't use this. It's bloody popular in restaurant kitchens. Apparently "absolutely smashed it" means "the restaurant was busy and we managed to cook all the food properly and on time.".
My son has been told he's up for promotion once he's smashed everything in the kitchen.
Are you sure it doesn't mean: "We ran out of proper potatoes"?
"You peel them with the little knives... hahahahahaha...."
-
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:
-
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:
Presumably dreamt up by the same genius who coined "fitted for but not with"? :demon:
-
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:
Presumably dreamt up by the same genius who coined "fitted for but not with"? :demon:
"Thought of but not through"?
-
Presumably dreamt up by the same genius who coined "fitted for but not with"?
In the correct context that is a useful phrase. We often use it at work where something is designed to have an optional extra fitted but which doesn't come as standard or where we won't be supplying it.
But I have no idea how you'd use it in a 'management' context.
-
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:
- Boss, I've got a serious problem.
- There are no such things as problems here, just opportunities. What is it?
- It's a serious drinking opportunity.
-
On a recent course, we were instructed not to use the term "but" in response to anyone elses comments, rathe to "build positively using and instead" ::-)
-
"One Best Way" or, as I've started to call it "Tautological One Best Way".
If we were to follow Winslow Taylor's principles then we would be efficient.
We're not, but manglement still keep spouting "One Best Way".
I'm still managing to keep biting my tongue but it can't last ...........
-
As in:
Little Keithy Best
Likes to invest
In illegal phone shares
What a naughty pest! (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Best)
?
-
My manager is a great source of management speak bullshit neologisms and mashups. Some would be very funny if delibearte. I never get the chance to write them down, but here's a sample from recent discussions:
"We'll stretch the envelope a bit on this one."
"So now we're a bit behind the curve-ball."
(There was one about everyone being on the same bus - which of course all come at once - recently, but I forget the exact wording ... )
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Smoke test this in the war room.
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According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...
W T actual F? :hand:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))
A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".
A sometimes deliberate misinterpretation of the principles of scrum/agile, or even sometimes a correct interpretation of them, can be and often is used as an excuse to avoid bothering doing a particular piece of work.
Agile, in general, annoys me these days. It's loaded with jargon that seems intended to obfuscate at every level from management to droid what is actually happening. Which is generally annoying customers with constant software updates where the features are bugs. Yeah, yeah, but look how quickly we fix them, they'll say. Scrum that.
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You're all a bunch of gits in here. I was thinking of applying for a permanent position but this thread reminds me of the utterfuckwitteryandtotalarsebollox that I would have to endure on a daily basis if i did.
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According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...
W T actual F? :hand:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))
A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".
A sometimes deliberate misinterpretation of the principles of scrum/agile, or even sometimes a correct interpretation of them, can be and often is used as an excuse to avoid bothering doing a particular piece of work.
Agile, in general, annoys me these days. It's loaded with jargon that seems intended to obfuscate at every level from management to droid what is actually happening. Which is generally annoying customers with constant software updates where the features are bugs. Yeah, yeah, but look how quickly we fix them, they'll say. Scrum that.
The whole field of software development & testing methodologies annoys me, & has done for many years. It's a constant re-packaging of the same ideas under fancy new names. 'Scrum', for example, seems to be a description of the workings of disorganised in-house development departments cursed with users whose demands must be met & who can't make up their minds. I have painful (& sometimes hilarious, e.g. the discovery that incremental changes had created two reports with 90% overlap, delivered to users in adjacent offices, neither of who wanted the non-overlapping parts*) memories of them.
I was recently sent a few invitations to give money to a supposed expert on testing methodologies, accompanied by a list of supposedly ground-breaking 'advanced' testing techniques - all of which I recall as being regarded as being standard good practice & too bloody obvious to need spelling out to anyone above the level of just-joined trainee back in 1982, when I was one of the just-joined trainees who was being told about them.
*Resolved by showing both reports to the users & asking them to mark everything they wanted on both of them, then modifying the one which was easiest to change & no longer scheduling the other. One report with half as much on it (easier to read), & happy customers. :thumbsup:
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Agile, in general, annoys me these days. It's loaded with jargon that seems intended to obfuscate at every level from management to droid what is actually happening. Which is generally annoying customers with constant software updates where the features are bugs. Yeah, yeah, but look how quickly we fix them, they'll say. Scrum that.
Of all the development "methodologies" I have been exposed to and had to work within over the years including but not limited to Waterfall, SSADM, V, Headless Chicken, Death March, Mongolian Horde and combinations thereof (Headless Mongolian Horde Death March is no fun at all) I think Agile is absolutely the worst.
To work at all it requires a degree of involvement and commitment on a near daily basis from the product owner (customer dear boy, customer) that just isn't possible when the customer has to get on with his or her own job. In the infinitely improbable event that the customer does have the time to spare he or she will turn out to have either no bloody clue or to want 10 different things, all mutually incompatible, within the space of an hour.
And don't get me started on management who expect programmers to write solid production quality code against evanescent or non-existant specifications and with hopelessly woolly acceptance criteria in zero time using tools that don't remain stable for two months together.
And what Bledlow says; goes. It's all just fresh lipstick on the same old pigs.
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You're all a bunch of gits in here. I was thinking of applying for a permanent position but this thread reminds me of the utterfuckwitteryandtotalarsebollox that I would have to endure on a daily basis if i did.
Surely you should be thanking us for helping you escape a fate worse than death?
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Most of my contact with senior managers is by email. There are two types of email I get. The more senior managers send out emails with wide circulation with the synergies and the innovation pipelines etc. and the others I get are almost always requests as to whether I can expedite something or other.
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Where does all this tripe come from?
Is it the US, or MBAs?
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Where does all this tripe come from?
Is it the US, or MBAs?
Both, plus a positive interaction between the two.
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I fear people who put 'MBA' after their name more than I fear cannibal zombie clowns.
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Would I be right in assuming thatnyou are not a fan of zombie cannibal clowns, and not just because they have untidy hair?
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I was asked by someone from the Business School to consider the Warwick MBA Course. I asked them what it would give me and after a chat they agreed it wasn't going to add much.
This may be why I don't use insane management speak.
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It's the Administration bit of the MBA that puts me off
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Would I be right in assuming thatnyou are not a fan of zombie cannibal clowns, and not just because they have untidy hair?
It's a combination of all things. Clowns are what comes out when you unpeel a demon like a big, feisty prawn. Cannibals have terrible table manners. Zombies are admittedly mostly meh. But in combination, they're utterly terrible party invites. Just don't. Sourcing the nibbles is a nightmare and they're always sick in the fridge.
I can admit that their might be some value in an MBA (though it's doubtful, a friend of mine has one from a major US university and describes it as a series of anecdotes dressed up and presented like it's science, you can get by occasionally saying EBITA - about five business acronyms and enough money to pay the fees should see you through). It the people who feel they have to add it as a suffix, especially when they're treading water in one of the more foetid, flooded subdecks of the mothership. Samantha Clownface-Dolittle, MBA or somesuch. You know them. They follow Warren Buffett's twitter feed and get busier than a busy kangaroo with their down unders while reading CEO Monthly or some shit full of golfing guff adverts and men in suits and women acting just like men in suits.
Some people, I suppose, want to be leaders of men. I'm happy with a squadron of airborne badgers and a weasel called Squelch.
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I can admit that their might be some value in an MBA (though it's doubtful, a friend of mine has one from a major US university and describes it as a series of anecdotes dressed up and presented like it's science, ...
"Case studies . . . . "
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It's the Administration bit of the MBA that puts me off
That and the business part.
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Why say cooperation or collaboration is important when you can express a need for "elegant interdigitation"? FFS.
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Sounds like a hand-holding exercise to me.
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We're familiar with "going forward" but yesterday was my first encounter with "going backward":
if we look at our history going backwards, the small caps were never ...
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Why say cooperation or collaboration is important when you can express a need for "elegant interdigitation"? FFS.
Does that mean thumb-twiddling? :-\
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After reading this thread, I'm really happy to be
unemployed out fishing and not have to deal with this bollocks at all.
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To maintain Force Elements at Readiness in accordance with the Army Readiness Order and the Army Commitments Matrix, and to leverage additional assets as required through the Single SIGINT Battlespace, in order to achieve superiority within the Electromagnetic Spectrum and deliver intelligence through the continuum of a Land Component Commander’s Mission.
:sick:
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Someone gave a Rupert access to a keyboard :facepalm:
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"achieve superiority within the electromagnetic spectrum"
??? :facepalm: :hand: ::-) :o :D
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We're familiar with "going forward" but yesterday was my first encounter with "going backward":if we look at our history going backwards, the small caps were never ...
Billy Bragg, between the wars, 1980s
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"achieve superiority within the electromagnetic spectrum"
??? :facepalm: :hand: ::-) :o :D
That's not management gobbledegook, that's just military/tech-speak for having better radar, communications, and electronic warfare capabilities than one's adversaries. ;)
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Clearly, but how does that not make it military management gobbledegook?
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I read it as having a better microwave for heating cold soup, or maybe more brightly coloured hats.
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I think it means they have the best DJs.
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why when we have a conference call does it have to be "jumped" on?
"can we jump on a conference call?"
"can you jump on with me?"
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Because otherwise it might get away, obviously.
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Do you think there might be an Oligarch or CEO somewhere who sits in his/ her office laughing their tits off at the way minions adopt a fuckwit phrase they invented and used in a conversation for shits and giggles?
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Do you think there might be an Oligarch or CEO somewhere who sits in his/ her office laughing their tits off at the way minions adopt a fuckwit phrase they invented and used in a conversation for shits and giggles?
I think they're called 'Management Consultants'.
My uncle was such, and was the first to admit that his job was extremely-well-paid bollocks.
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I've started inventing them. I'm using 'zone down' at the moment. Let's zone down on the detail.
I completely made it up a week or two back (I hope, you can never be sure who has prior art on bullshit). You have no idea how gratifying it is, to be in an unconnected meeting, and hear someone else say some totally meaningless phrase you've made up.
Unless I've got competition, of course, and they're making shit up too.
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you can never be sure who has prior art on bullshit
:D ;D
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At least my made up phrases make sense... Ex colleagues keep finding themselves using them in my absence :D :demon: :smug:
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I've started inventing them. I'm using 'zone down' at the moment. Let's zone down on the detail.
Now that's whar I call "Thought Leadership".
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I am trying to start a vegetable meme at my work, some of the managers are known to be "bean counters" so each different activity is reffered to as a different vegetable, and the strapline?
It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
Livens up team meetings.
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Because otherwise it might get away, obviously.
I could live with that, easily
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I am trying to start a vegetable meme at my work, some of the managers are known to be "bean counters" so each different activity is reffered to as a different vegetable, and the strapline?
It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
Livens up team meetings.
It's always Halloween at rr's work.
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Wot no 'Alternative Truth' yet? Or my favourite, 'its not fair'.
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;D it certainly would if it were up to me :P
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I've started inventing them. I'm using 'zone down' at the moment. Let's zone down on the detail.
What about 'meme driven'? Do you think it'd get the hadrons colliding? Or just the pigeons homing? Is it juicy enough to squelch?
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It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
That's going to lead to need a 'hoe down'.
Sow your seeds in a row, hoe out the errant weeds.
I like it. There is a book in there. 'A Season for All Things' 'Seeds of Management', something like that. ooh, how about 'Managing your Plot'?
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It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
That's going to lead to need a 'hoe down'.
Sow your seeds in a row, hoe out the errant weeds.
I like it. There is a book in there. 'A Season for All Things' 'Seeds of Management', something like that. ooh, how about 'Managing your Plot'?
The problem is I'm not sure whether it would be satire or serious.
I'll leave this link as well I'll leave this link as well (https://thinkpurpose.com)
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It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
That's going to lead to need a 'hoe down'.
Sow your seeds in a row, hoe out the errant weeds.
I like it. There is a book in there. 'A Season for All Things' 'Seeds of Management', something like that. ooh, how about 'Managing your Plot'?
Got to be more fun than a scrum or a huddle, fat pumpkin or LEAN beans?
[Tears for fears] Sowing the seeds of success [/tff]
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We have a dysfunctional lab coat laundering system at work. I recently complained that the one I had put in for laundry some weeks ago has still not reappeared in my locker. I was forwarded an email saying that my clean one was destined for delivery and would be 'lockered' that day. Unfortunately making something a 'doing word' does not necessarily make it any more likely to be done.
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Ah, the verbal noun - lends eloquence to mundane tasks ....
'Your visit has been diarised for Tuesday next' *
As Mr Ben says, it doesn't increase the chances of it happening....
*Social Work fuckwittery of course ....
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Oooh I hate that one too.
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I'll just leave this here: https://twitter.com/i/web/status/842036858217484289
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I'll just leave this here: https://twitter.com/i/web/status/842036858217484289
I'm so going to do this tomorrow ;D
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I Like ;D
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Improvulence
That, in itselfness, is fantastic!
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The distressing thing is that is far, far too believable.
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I'll just leave this here: https://twitter.com/i/web/status/842036858217484289
I'm so going to do this tomorrow ;D
I wonder if created this, I've been doing this since whiteboards were invented and used to talk about it on usenet. And I came up with the mispolygonism. I have the triangle of failure (which is, of course, a square).
But, yeah, leave me alone in a meeting room and a whiteboard. Oh sweet temptation!
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Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.
I feel like a target. :o
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I've just been reading some James Thurber about this trend in the first half of the 20th century. The main offenders he identified back then were politicians, but the process is the same. He has a great name for it: carcinomenclature.
He also identifies the need for a new profession to treat those exposed to these phrases. "The psychosemanticists' job will be to cope with the psychic trauma caused by linguistic meaninglessness, to prevent the language from degenerating into gibberish, and to save the sanity of persons threatened by the onset of polysyllabic monstrositis."
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not insane management speak today, but inane procedure speak.
I read it three times and didn't understand it, but I'm pretty sure they've not done what I think they said they were going to do
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We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.
The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again :facepalm:
I'll just leave this here. It is about 20 years old:
http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html
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Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph. ;D
image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large
source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552
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Nice; someone I once worked with still had copies of a series of similar memos from when he had worked for de Havilland in the 50s. He'd show these to his junior staff to give them guidance on what their reports and memos should look like.
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Uplift to pay scales.
A fucking pay rise you morons. We have a term fior it. Use it.
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We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.
The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again :facepalm:
I'll just leave this here. It is about 20 years old:
http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html
Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph. ;D
image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large
source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552
I think a lot of those have gone from management bullshit talk to everyday business speak, such as the bottom line, and some such as win-win and proactive have become established as everyday phrases.
The one I hear all the time (not on those charts) is "Give me some colour on... ". It seems nobody can ask "Tell me more about..."
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We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.
The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again :facepalm:
I'll just leave this here. It is about 20 years old:
http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html
Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph. ;D
image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large
source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552
I think a lot of those have gone from management bullshit talk to everyday business speak, such as the bottom line, and some such as win-win and proactive have become established as everyday phrases.
The one I hear all the time (not on those charts) is "Give me some colour on... ". It seems nobody can ask "Tell me more about..."
Time to beat them about the head with a 10 litre tin of paint I think.
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Not new and not even surprising.
We had a Xmas video sent to us to * thank us for our efforts to keep the business moving forward, yadda, yadda.
The droid on video introduced himself (blah, blah, blah) and then said "and you all work for me at the end of the day".
No mate.
At the end of the day, I go home
Highlight of the presentation was that we're going to get a new uniform
* I was going to put "obviously" in there because that's what manglement would do but, since it's "obvious", you wouldn't need to say it .......
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New uniform, new boots, new heels to click? Or maybe not.
I've just survived my son's school parents evening. There were posters in the corridors with slogans like "Diversity of success" and "A happy learning community". He said, completely unprompted, "Those posters are totally meaningless".
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The school I walk past has an Executive Leadership Team.
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Why must data be " granular".
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it doesn't have to be, it can also be aggregated, rolled up ...
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Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.
I feel like a target. :o
"Dear The Management. I am unable to zero in on the 27th, right after you reach London, as first I'm taking Manhattan then I think I'm taking Berlin the day after."
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Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.
I feel like a target. :o
"Dear The Management. I am unable to zero in on the 27th, right after you reach London, as first I'm taking Manhattan then I think I'm taking Berlin the day after."
<Hands Tim his blue raincoat>
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I was recently accused in a meeting of creating a "Straw Man". :o
What the manager meant, was that I'd written a framework/outline/template/thingy of the new procedure. I chose not to take offence, as no one else seemed to notice ...
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In a refreshing change, I've just heard one CEO say "We have achieved, I think, in our opinion, most of what we put as milestones over the last fifteen years." It's a shame this was probably due to English not being his first language rather than an outbreak of honesty or humbleness.
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Why must data be " granular".
There is granular data and there are data cubes. You can also get soft brown data, which seems to be most of it.
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I've just survived my son's school parents evening. There were posters in the corridors with slogans like "Diversity of success" and "A happy learning community". He said, completely unprompted, "Those posters are totally meaningless".
Psalms 8:2, "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength"
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I've got a meeting invite from a project manager, the title reads...
"Regular space to align on ***** deployment requirements"
I shan't even bother the click on decline.
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Brunel Total Ground Transportation (http://www.brunel.com/)
It's a cab company.
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"We endorse the Minimum Viable Product route" .
When I first read that (yes, it's from IT), I thought "That means the shittiest available thing that will just about do". Helpfully, in brackets after the above, the author explained the term. It means "the shittiest available thing that will just about do".
Apparently, such an endorsement is "believed to find favour in the current climate".
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I'd say that comes under "remarkably honest management speak phrases".
A bit like that recent Virgin tweet. (https://www.theguardian.com/business/2017/jul/02/virgin-trains-criticised-for-tweet-blaming-drivers-for-lack-of-service)
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Minimum Viable Product isn't necessarily 'the shittiest available thing that will do' though, is it? Sometimes it's 'the most basic feature set that will do the job, and so can be made actually reliable, as opposed to the buggy feature-bloated monsters we usually end up with once everyone has stuck their oar in and demanded their favourite hobby-horses'...
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+1. It can help you to understand what is really needed, and what are optional extras. It can also help in ensuring that a sound basis is built, delivering the core, to which more can be added.
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Minimum Viable Product isn't necessarily 'the shittiest available thing that will do' though, is it? Sometimes it's 'the most basic feature set that will do the job, and so can be made actually reliable, as opposed to the buggy feature-bloated monsters we usually end up with once everyone has stuck their oar in and demanded their favourite hobby-horses'...
Agree that the principles behind it are sound. It's just the terminology, the choice of words, that grates on me a little but it is indeed brutally honest. I suppose my reaction is influenced by my observations on how the "minimum viable product" approach is implemented (inconsistently) in my place of toil.
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I have a delivery coming from UKMail andI'm tracking it online.
The stages in this parcel's delivery to me include 'Collected' (from supplier), 'In transit' and 'Delivered'. But what do you think the missing second status is in that sequence ?
Aaaaagggghhhhh.
'At sortation facility'
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Some interesting ideation and flipped learning:
https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/nov/23/from-inboxing-to-thought-showers-how-business-bullshit-took-over
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Some interesting ideation and flipped learning:
https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/nov/23/from-inboxing-to-thought-showers-how-business-bullshit-took-over
Don't knock the bullshit. We've got a Tidy-Haired Thought Leader who relies on that for his job ;D
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I have two cats to feed and vestigial pride.
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I have a delivery coming from UKMail andI'm tracking it online.
The stages in this parcel's delivery to me include 'Collected' (from supplier), 'In transit' and 'Delivered'. But what do you think the missing second status is in that sequence ?
Aaaaagggghhhhh.
'At sortation facility'
They're drawing lots to see if it gets delivered?
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I have two cats to feed and vestigial pride.
Is "vestigial pride" another way of saying "not many lions"?
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<context: entire company is producing detailed plans for year ahead, that are being combined into company annual operating plan>
I ask <senior director> "Have you made plans for <task x>?"
"No. Person Y <who has left company> normally does <task x>"
"Have you put <task x> into your plan"
"No <paraphrasing> I currently have no mechanism by which to add anything to anybody else’s plan or .... of a way for us to .... combine our efforts"
Which bit of 'combining plans into AOP' did this Senior Director not understand?
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Ha, lonely lions. Indeed. They need Lionr, the meet-another-lion app. Good god, I so should be working somewhere near Old Street.
Reminds me that I've been beckoned to the mothership bridge next week. This may mean the new uber-boss has discovered Taylor Swift vs. Hitler. It'll be my, erm, Downfall.
Apropos to this thread, I'm thinking of doing Management Kittens this year. Imagine if your multinational company with a turnover of billions was managed entirely by kittens. I am.
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Apropos to this thread, I'm thinking of doing Management Kittens this year. Imagine if your multinational company with a turnover of billions was managed entirely by kittens. I am.
I think I've worked for at least two of them.
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Most of the companies I've worked for have been managed by either rats or lizards.
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My last outfit was managed by lying, insincere, incompetent bastards and it felt like they were operating a morality Ponzi scheme. (As in, "if you underlings abide by the moral code, we don't have to.")
At least, that's how it felt.
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I think I'm being managed by butterflies, every week flit off to launch a new initiative, but last weeks? Hey? What? but we have this nice shiny new project
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-42891915
jargon!
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"We've got to eat our own dogfood"
This was from when worked in the world of telecomms and was said by the yanks, meaning less flying more phoning etc. Was ages ago now, but I still remember it. Not unconnected to the fact that I used to to know someone who worked for a petfood manufacturer who said that they did just that through only the premium range. :sick:
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"We've got to eat our own dogfood"
Best washed down by Drinking The Kool-Aid.
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"We've got to eat our own dogfood"
From memory it was the Frenchman with the yogurt company surname that was particularly fond of this phrase, though I’m not questioning your assertion that he got it from a leftpondian.
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Slightly OT, but worth it:
The wise always use a number of ready-made phrases (at the moment I write 'nobody's business' is the most common), popular adjectives (like 'divine' or 'shy-making'), verbs that you only know the meaning of if you live in the right set (like 'dunch'), which give a homely sparkle to small talk and avoid the necessity of thought. The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried this device to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication.
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Not so much a phrase but a memo that is hard to comply with:-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear colleague,
All colleagues, including anyone working for and on behalf of BigCo, are reminded that BigCo assets, resource or any site facilities are not to be used for personal use in any form, or for the storage of private property, including vehicles.
Lockers are assigned for the necessary short-term storage of personal items required for BigCo business purposes.
BigCo has no insurance or liability arising for [sic] the storage of any personal property. Any breach is a serious disciplinary matter.
Issued on behalf of [name redacted], Director, Corporate Security and Business Protection and [name redacted], Manager, Corporate Insurance Risk
-----------------------------------------------------
I am trying to reconcile this with the existence of a great big car park, a bike shed, my jacket on the back of my chair and the floor supporting my own briefcase with the odd personal item it that doesn't get used for work.
It reminds me of http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10 (http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10) and the following few cartoons.
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I suppose it means you need to turn up naked, without any lunch.
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All,
Whilst we already have stretched resources, the ideal scenario is keeping non value added touches external to the operation.
I’d like to understand from Lindsay the feasibility of Option 1, and the potential cost hurt/ price increase.
Lindsay – bringing you into the loop on this.
BINGO
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The one that is really getting on my thrupenny bits, at the moment, is:
"I don't disagree with you"
Quickly followed by a statement that proves they are doing exactly that!
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The one that is really getting on my thrupenny bits, at the moment, is:
"I don't disagree with you"
Quickly followed by a statement that proves they are doing exactly that!
Perhaps you need to reply along the lines of: "Yes, no. I like what you're saying except... " then list all of it. But definitely start with either "Yes, no," or "No, yes."
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Nah, Cudzo, I just interject as soon as they say that and say "which means you are going to, nevermind, carry on"
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I thought I was booking myself on a course, but no...
Congratulations you have successfully reserved a place on the following Learning Journey...
:sick:
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Not so much a phrase but a memo that is hard to comply with:-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear colleague,
All colleagues, including anyone working for and on behalf of BigCo, are reminded that BigCo assets, resource or any site facilities are not to be used for personal use in any form, or for the storage of private property, including vehicles.
Lockers are assigned for the necessary short-term storage of personal items required for BigCo business purposes.
BigCo has no insurance or liability arising for [sic] the storage of any personal property. Any breach is a serious disciplinary matter.
Issued on behalf of [name redacted], Director, Corporate Security and Business Protection and [name redacted], Manager, Corporate Insurance Risk
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I am trying to reconcile this with the existence of a great big car park, a bike shed, my jacket on the back of my chair and the floor supporting my own briefcase with the odd personal item it that doesn't get used for work.
It reminds me of http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10 (http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10) and the following few cartoons.
Much like staying at a Marriott, they'd charge you for the air, and the tapwater if they could.
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Not so much the words, more the lack of understanding...
At a Sprint planning meeting somewhere in corporate Britain,
PHB: Why is sub-drone lurker working on feature γ and not working on feature ξ?
Omnes: Feature ξ is dependant upon feature γ and cannot be commenced until feature γ is in place.
PHB: But sub-drone lurker should be working on feature ξ*, that's what we planned.
*Feature ξ has, in large friendly letters, the phrase, "Requires feature γ to be in place first." where anyone who was taught to read at primary school can see it.
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You're making the mistake of applying logic to the corporate world. Once your defective personality* has been fixed, you'll feel much better.
*Sorry, reading 1984 at the moment.
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It's yer critical path innit. Wots a Prince? Anyone got a line of balance?
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"Envision" :sick:
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Apparently, we are going to become 'Digital Disruptors'.
Sounds like we are going to go around prodding people in the ticklish bits with our fingers.
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Apparently, we are going to become 'Digital Disruptors'.
Hmmm, sounds rather like a new version of the Silicon Valley tech douche-bro saying "move fast and break things".
I think we've had enough digital disruption already, thankyouverymuchmuttergrumble...
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To be fair to Silicon Valley tech douche-bros, they're relatively unlikely to abuse the term 'digital' like that. I suspect marketroids and/or management conslutants.
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Not so much the words, more the lack of understanding...
At a Sprint planning meeting somewhere in corporate Britain,
PHB: Why is sub-drone lurker working on feature γ and not working on feature ξ?
Omnes: Feature ξ is dependant upon feature γ and cannot be commenced until feature γ is in place.
PHB: But sub-drone lurker should be working on feature ξ*, that's what we planned.
*Feature ξ has, in large friendly letters, the phrase, "Requires feature γ to be in place first." where anyone who was taught to read at primary school can see it.
This is got round in my co by "raising an impediment", this can sometimes be an actual task with complexity points*... So in your example, one of the tasks of feature ξ, that he is currently working on, is effectively "wait until feature γ is complete". That's the logic ;D
* Not sure whether you would be allowed to contribute them to velocity... we do for impediments but maybe only for ones that are deemed to have been caused by the client. That's something you'd have to discuss, or should I say " a conversation you'd have to have " ::-) :)
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Manglement conslutants.
I feel vaguely dirty...
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This is got round in my co by "raising an impediment"...
Ah we use the impediment state to deal with active work that's blocked by a problem that's cropped up rather than one that can't be started because of some dependency. The PHB wanted us to start work on a piece of work that was already "blocked" and marked as "blocked" in the tracker. PHB wanted us to build the 1st floor of the building before we'd got the footings and ground floor in place.
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Ah! Architects.....
-
Our design system, which has been rewarded by the unicorn in vision, and our AI capacity.
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If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.
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If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.
See also "caveat" :demon:
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If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.
Just don't use the cambridge (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/signpost), eh? Best not use the Oxford (https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/signpost), either. Or, any other dictionary that has definitions in.
(Don't take it personally, you're in good company on this, the spelling and the grammar thread.)
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'We have to change how we work'
Why? It works quite well already.
...silence
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We have had an email from our ‘capability lead’ in advance of an official announcement, that our beloved CTO is leaving in 6 months’ time, leaving a pile of wreckage in his wake (the last bit wasn’t in the email, I’ve added that myself). It was a glowing testimonial, but included this
“Having spoken to him about this earlier this morning, he indicated that he would not have come to this decision if he thought we were incapable of achieving what we have set out to do, accepting that we are still maturing.
I agree with this sentiment and whilst I appreciate that we still have much to do, under D's leadership our capability has [insert what you believe has been the growth in your capability]"
which suggests that the whole thing was a template, possibly penned by the said departing CTO himself.
Oh, and to make sure this is the correct thread, I also humbly submit
“His insights are high value and whilst as CTO his remit is broad he has always taken time out to ensure we have everything we need to succeed and get those green lights on the dashboard on a sustainable basis”
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And the entire organisation yelled "BINGO!" all at once
-
... and get those green lights on the dashboard on a sustainable basis”
Hmmm. I am shortly moving into the department who (amongst many other things!) design/build the "dashboard". So I reckon putting green lights on there shouldn't be too hard ...
-
... but in/on a sustainable basis?
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... but in/on a sustainable basis?
Oh that's the easy bit. Just choose a suitably low threshold value for showing a green indicator. Zero should be a safe bet. Not killing the management plukes who think that a Fisher-Price dashboard will magickly make them competent is the hard bit.
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Just put a static green circle image in the cell. Job done.
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Just put a static green circle image in the cell. Job done.
... and then Protect it.
-
I've been diarised.
-
"Please block the time for a planned workshop to build an impactful ___ Team in the new constellation"
-
"Please block the time for a planned workshop to build an impactful ___ Team in the new constellation"
the'new constellation' might well be a reference to our substantially reduced department, half of us were made redundant before Christmas.
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OK, anyone fancy a bit of fun? Not sure why I've been warned, possibly as I am quasi-leading some of this and they know I can't find a previous commitment.
I'm at a Work Thing next week, where everyone will start with fixing on a badge that says.....
Hi,
My name is _____.
My role is_______.
I’m from________.
My superpower is ___ because ___.
Later on, ask me about my_____.”
go on, fill yer boots.
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Hi,
My name is _____.
My role is_______.
I’m from________.
My superpower is ___ because ___.
Later on, ask me about my_____.
WTF do you want? :demon:
-
OK, anyone fancy a bit of fun? Not sure why I've been warned, possibly as I am quasi-leading some of this and they know I can't find a previous commitment.
I'm at a Work Thing next week, where everyone will start with fixing on a badge that says.....
Hi,
My name is _____.
My role is_______.
I’m from________.
My superpower is ___ because ___.
Later on, ask me about my_____.”
go on, fill yer boots.
Be careful what you wish for... :demon: ;D :demon:
Hi,
My name is, my name is Slim Shady.
My role is explaining management directives via interpretative dance.
I’m from Llareggub.
My superpower is belching 'La Marseillaise' because I was bitten by a radioactive sans-culotte.
Later on, ask me about my tattoo of Richard Nixon.
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Bonus points there for legitimate use of Comic Sans
-
Bonus points there for legitimate use of Comic Sans
About the only other time I think you could get away with it would be when quoting the tweets by the squatter in the Oval Office - though to get the full effect, you'd also need to change the font to green and apply bold, sub/superscript, underlining and changes in font size at random...*
* IIRC, there's a twitter account that reformats everything he posts so that it actually looks like it's been crayoned by a pre-schooler.
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I'm sorry, but it isn't possible to have a badge that big.
-
Spoilsport. ;D
-
Maybe bitten by a radioactive gillet jaune rather than sans culotte.
-
The system that I support, which has for a long time been a 'legacy' system, is now a 'heritage' system.
-
The system that I support, which has for a long time been a 'legacy' system, is now a 'heritage' system.
I'm stealing that. I'd use heirloom but truly none of our systems are that prestigious.
-
We've become used to companies talking about their mission, but today I heard a supermarket CEO talking about their brand tie-ins "bringing customers to a clothing mission."
-
This is why I'm struggling with my current job:
Our Advanced Infusion Oil Technology keeps full naturality of the herbs, and with the power of megasonic
waves, the original constituents can be extracted in a more efficient manner.
Looking for a 'bucket of wank' emoji
-
That should be submitted to New Scientist. They have a slot for that on the inside back page.
I'm fascinated to know what a 'megasonic wave' is. Care to ask the marketing team ?
-
There's a Negasonic Teenage Warhead in Deadpool, if that helps.
-
Megasonic waves, between a frequency of 700KHz and 1.2MHz, decrease the formation of cavitation and induce microstreaming and accelerating particles to breakdown
Of course they do.
-
Actually, as a serious point, I think I may have used megasonic waves. Back in the day, I used to have to extract certain nucleotides from plants so I could shoot them with lasers and stuff, and that included submerging my victims in a mix of cold freon and perchloric acid and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic) to break them up and extract the required components without (significant) mechanical damage.
So basically, what they say is true!
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Probably less management speak but my industry has become full of buzzwords. As an example this in a publication this morning :-
"Smart energy hub and green energy sharing platform Verv has raised over £6.5mn in Series A funding. The company said on Wednesday 10 April that £5mn of the funding was provided by environmental fund Earthworm. Other investors include Centrica, InnoEnergy and Crowdcube. Verv said that it has sought to drive down household electricity bills and carbon emissions by 20% by establishing a global network of smart hubs. Its energy metering, analytics and renewable energy trading platform, based on AI and blockchain technology, is designed to enable millions to reduce their energy consumption and provide increased accessibility to green energy."
I think if they could squeeze in 'machine learning' and 'disruptor' they'd be there.
-
Blockchain guff seems to be dying down (it used to be every day my inbox was full of people purporting to solve some made-up problem through their application of blockchain).
Now it's just AI-this, AI-that. It's not fucking AI anyway, at best it's some shoddy machine-learning algorithms dropped on a shitty dataset. Crap-in, crap-out.
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So basically, what they say is true!
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.
...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...
I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.
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and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic)
No it doesn't, sorry.
As well as failing on logic/science terms, it isn't on this (ridiculously long) list: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Category:English_words_prefixed_with_mega-
(There is some crazy shit in there.)
-
So basically, what they say is true!
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.
...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...
I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.
Ah, "Brassica Napus Seed Oil" sounds sooooooo much better than, um, rapeseed or mustard oil ::-)
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and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic)
No it doesn't, sorry.
As well as failing on logic/science terms, it isn't on this (ridiculously long) list: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Category:English_words_prefixed_with_mega-
(There is some crazy shit in there.)
It does, megasonic is, it seems, actual science (I think our machine was a high-frequency ultrasonicalizer or somesuch):
Ultrasonic cleaning uses lower frequencies; it produces random cavitation. Megasonic cleaning uses higher frequencies at and above 1000 kHz; it produces controlled cavitation
Anyway it was a method of breaking apart the membranes inside cells, particularly the endoplasmic reticulum and golgi, which are quite small and thus benefit from creating teeny little cavitation events within. Then the megasonically freed nucleotides and their precursors would dissolve in the acid-Freon so you could run them through a C18 reverse phase column, ready for characterization.
I'm available for after-dinner speaking events, weddings, funerals, and bar mitzvahs.
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Well, you've convinced me! I'll get onto those idiots at Wiki ...
-
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.
There's a lot to be said in favour of full natural experiences. I haven't experienced any as a consumer though.
-
There's a Negasonic Teenage Warhead in Deadpool, if that helps.
This has just led me to learn that the Marvel character was named after the Monster Magnet track rather than the other way round.
-
So basically, what they say is true!
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.
...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...
I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.
I'm currently working for a well-known purveyor of non-pharmaceutical health and wellbeing products, and writing this kind of guff is my bread and butter. The real art is making medical claims for the products without making any medical claims at all, because that would contravene the regulations.
I'm not proud of myself but it pays the mortgage.
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I'm modestly proud that work I did nudged us a (tiny) bit closer to synthetic nucleotides, which of course opened the way to synthetic DNA, and the likely eventual demise of the human race as we engineer our own overlords.
-
That should be submitted to New Scientist. They have a slot for that on the inside back page.
I'm fascinated to know what a 'megasonic wave' is. Care to ask the marketing team ?
They'll just tell you to knock it off with those negative waves, man...
-
In other news, someone actually made a quantum crystal (admittedly a teeny one, but still the largest object yet to violate Bell's inequality).
They somehow failed to mention whether it cured any ailment when swung on a pendulum over someone's belly.
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So the new mob are super keen on this garbage, I have 500 pages of stuff like 'synergize' and 'sharpen the saw' to plough through before a 2 day leadership workshop at the end of the week. If there's a mass murder at spa hotel in the peaks this week you know why, although it'd be consistent with the psychological profile I've recently had to do to see if I'm suited to the job I've been doing for years. ::-)
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Hi All,
XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.
Shudder.
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Hi All,
XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.
Shudder.
whereas a company I did some work for recently said " we want people to be doing meaningful tasks rather than shuffling data, so we're using this one tool to hold all data and let people use it to produce the reports they want"
-
Hi All,
XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.
Shudder.
Oh, I am so stealing 'parametric design.'
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Hi All,
XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.
Shudder.
Oh, I am so stealing 'parametric design.'
Parametric design is a process based on algorithmic thinking that enables the expression of parameters and rules that, together, define, encode and clarify the relationship between design intent and design response.
Yu wat now?
-
Isn't parametrics like the Paralympics cept for mathematicians?
-
Hi All,
XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.
Shudder.
Translation: we're writing some subroutines.
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Since I vacated my Tidy Haired Thought Leadership™ chair for the elevated subdecks of product innovation, I've thus learned two things:
firstly, add the words 'artificial intelligence' to everything.
secondly, how to spell algorithm and understand it's not a peculiar kind of dance move.
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no mention of mnemonics?
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Not that I remember.
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Well I am rather out of date in computerise things.
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no mention of mnemonics?
The danger of those things is when you accidentally refer to the Bon Jovi architecture in a serious situation.
I of course have absolutely no memory of the Von Neumann architecture is beyond that.
-
From /. comments on Usanian universities ceasing to offer MBA courses (expansions of MBA are welcome ;) ), a rather good parody of business tw@tspeak:
"Clearly, these MBA programs need to identify synergies so that they can be more impactful about incentivizing more student stakeholders thereby leveraging scaleout to maximize university revenue."
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"The new setup for our managerial structure will allow us to make a bigger impact at higher speed – while having more fun"
I have some doubts.
-
The last time we had fun on the mothership we had to jettison several entire subdecks. It was the only way to be sure.
-
"The new setup for our managerial structure will allow us to make a bigger impact at higher speed – while having more fun"
I have some doubts.
Those are my criteria for car hire.
-
"The new setup for our managerial structure will allow us to make a bigger impact at higher speed – while having more fun"
I have some doubts.
Skydivers'R'Us?
-
Since I vacated my Tidy Haired Thought Leadership™ chair for the elevated subdecks of product innovation, I've thus learned two things:
firstly, add the words 'artificial intelligence' to everything.
secondly, how to spell algorithm and understand it's not a peculiar kind of dance move.
You are so behind the curve, granddad.
It is called 'machine learning' these days. This must be combined with reference to the Internet of Things, oops, sorry, 'IoT'.
Example
In the IoT, Machine Learning will expedite the creation of value from data.
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I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.
This curve is too steep to climb.
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I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.
This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.
AI is so last decade.
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AI is so last decade.
Given the rate at which old ideas get recycled as "new", "shiny" and "magic" in our particular trade I expect it's either back at the cutting edge now or will be in about 20 femtoseconds and back out of fashion a dozen or so nanoseconds after that.
The rag trade can't even come close to IT for fickleness.
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I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.
This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.
AI is so last decade.
Next you'll be telling me that it's wrong to make my development squad wear silver spandex one-piece suits?
That said, they required surprisingly little encouragement.
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The term Artificial Intelligence has always amused me. It suggests that the boffins are saying that the machine intelligence is fake......
-
Donald Trump has Artificial Intelligence.
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The term Artificial Intelligence has always amused me. It suggests that the boffins are saying that the machine intelligence is fake......
As a one-time boffin with a little experience in the subject, this seems entirely reasonable to me.
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I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.
This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.
AI is so last decade.
Next you'll be telling me that it's wrong to make my development squad wear silver spandex one-piece suits?
That said, they required surprisingly little encouragement.
Your suit is gold, right?
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... parameters and rules that, together, define, encode and clarify the relationship between design intent and design response.
Yu wat now?
There's a relationship?
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I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.
This curve is too steep to climb.
When you're selling it, it's Artificial Intelligence. When you're seeking a budget for the computers, it's Machine Learning. When you're doing it, it's linear regression.
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I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.
This curve is too steep to climb.
When you're selling it, it's Artificial Intelligence. When you're seeking a budget for the computers, it's Machine Learning. When you're doing it, it's linear regression.
This is actually exact. The data science minion says linear regression model, I put it down as machine learning and trained algorithms, and sales and marketing pitch artificial intelligence.
We've moved from silver spandex to gold? Really, I get tired just looking at that curve. This boy don't sprint, he ambles.
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I am currently enjoying being "transformed". Sadly this doesn't give me Optimus Prime like abilities, rather free time where work time used to be...
-
We have a business transformation initiative which, I admit, does feel a bit like being stuck in the middle of one those six-hour long Transformer movies. If, instead of filming it, they'd done the entire thing with PowerPoint and Excel.
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I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.
This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.
AI is so last decade.
Last decade? "AI" as a term stopped being hip around 1980 when SAIL was merged into Stanford's main Babbage-Science department.
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'C'mon guys, I can't ride two horses with one arse.'
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(https://assets.amuniversal.com/c378dcc069090137a0d7005056a9545d)
(https://assets.amuniversal.com/a903301069080137a0d7005056a9545d)
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Spotted elsewhere:
unrealised ancillary revenue passes by because of manual, fragmented legacy processes
-
today, I got a round of applause in the office.
Synergies. I used the word synergies in a sentence and I wasn't taking the piss.
Well, only a little bit.
-
A round of applause is the ultimate in synergy.
-
Y?
-
Not insane phrases, just new (at least to me): a "Nike swoosh shaped downturn" and "reshoring".
-
That last one is crap. It should be either onshoring or restoring.
-
Or even "un-offshoring" :-)
-
IIRC it was used to indicate a temporary as opposed to permanent transfer of manufacture from China/East Asia to Europe and N.America.
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It is now joined by "the wheelbarrow recovery". I don't think this means it has wheels!
https://theconversation.com/coronavirus-the-economic-recovery-wont-only-be-u-shaped-itll-look-like-a-wheelbarrow-135969
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Does a wheelbarrow recovery mean inflation so high you'll need a wheelbarrow to carry all the money needed to buy food, as in the Weimar Republic in the 1920s?
-
I got management speaked at by a customers wife today when she asked for an explanation for how a cycle scheme application worked.
She used some management speak bollox that had me completely flumoxed for a second until I realised she meant 'please explain'. I was so flumoxed that, after chuntering about the moron for 5 minutes, I completely forgot the word she used.....
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Does a wheelbarrow recovery mean inflation so high you'll need a wheelbarrow to carry all the money needed to buy food, as in the Weimar Republic in the 1920s?
Ha! No, quite the opposite. (Though – getting way off the bollox speak topic – I think it was in the same place that someone raised the question of how on earth do you measure inflation when shops are shut?)
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I got management speaked at by a customers wife today when she asked for an explanation for how a cycle scheme application worked.
She used some management speak bollox that had me completely flumoxed for a second until I realised she meant 'please explain'. I was so flumoxed that, after chuntering about the moron for 5 minutes, I completely forgot the word she used.....
UNPACK. Un fucking pack! That is what she said. "Yah, my partner said that he can get the bike on the Halfrauds cycle to work scheme? I don't know how that works so you will have to unpack that for me....." Unpack? Un fucking believeable more like :demon:
-
I've occasionally seen 'unpack' used to describe the process of extracting files from a [compressed] archive, which is a harmless metaphor that might lend itself to that sort of managmentification, maybe?
I wonder if it can be applied to the process of explaining unfamiliar jargon? "Could you unpack your meaning of 'unpack'?" ::-)
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I wonder if it can be applied to the process of explaining unfamiliar jargon? "Could you unpack your meaning of 'unpack'?" ::-)
Yup, that's exactly it. Explain something complex: unpack.
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It's reasonably common in contexts such as analysts' questions after a company's results. "You said you were expecting an 11% hit to your top line from closure of the R17 product line, could you unpack that for us?" But what works in one context often doesn't in another (and some should be quarantined).
-
Unpacking as a term for extracting files? Maybe but Unpack as a term for explain? No. No. Thrice No. If you want someone to explain something, we have a perfectly good word to facilitate it- please EXPLAIN.
Of couse, she could just be a pretentious twat trying to sound cool?
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"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"
What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.
-
Of couse, she could just be a pretentious twat trying to sound cool?
Either that or just assumed everyone would be familiar with the jargon that's used in her circles. Both are common, neither is good.
-
"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"
What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.
Are you sure it's not an invitation to a card game? I suppose Zoom poker is a thing nowadays.
-
"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"
What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.
I assume that they were referring to a slide deck, following a Zoom call?
-
"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"
A powerpoint presentation? For me? Oh how _very_ kind of you, it's just what I always wanted and wrapped so prettily as well, but you _really_ shouldn't have bothered. No, really, you _shouldn't_ have.
-
"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"
What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.
They won't let you anywhere near the wheel, however. Just show off the shiny parts so you think you're getting privileged information.
-
All of these changes had been made at the time of our Q2 results and will anniversary in the next 12 months.
Ugly but clear. Also superfluous cos "next 12 months".
-
"Reshoring" has made it into the Guardian.
Covid-19 has given extra ammunition to those arguing for greater national or European self-sufficiency. Long before it arrived, there was talk of “deglobalisation” and “reshoring” of supply chains.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/14/how-coronavirus-is-reshaping-europe-in-dangerous-ways
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"Ramping up." What's wrong with "increasing" ?
-
"Ramping up." What's wrong with "increasing" ?
"Ramping up" sounds like you're deliberately controlling the rate of change as part of some feedback mechanism, rather than just being crap at increasing something.
-
"Ramping up" makes this Unit think of Evel Knievel*, whose performances frequently ended with mayhem, ambulances and orthopædic surgery.
* Other crap stunt riders are available
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"The crocodile closest to the boat"
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"... gets shot first"?
"... eats the plumpest boaters"?
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Hit the alligator* closest to the boat.
I quite like this phrase and I've used it in a tongue in cheek way whilst feigning sincerity.
My boss** loved it ::-).
*As I first heard it.
** Love of buzz words/phrases and spreadsheets aside, I actually rate him but wow does he loves spreadsheets.
He despairs of the sales force because we resist getting involved with them; we'd rather get on with it.
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House! Spoiler tags, because a bit of your soul might die.
During the project, [Co] deployed both Design Thinking methodologies and User Experience Design that would establish the case for change. The team brought completely new ways of working to the [Client] board, delivering the work using an agile methodology based on co-creation and sprint delivery.
[Co] built an interactive project website to collaborate with stakeholders and communicate their progress, developed digital prototypes as proof of concept and hosted ‘show & tell’ workshops to validate the direction of travel. The strategic vision was articulated through graphical representations of the user experience so stakeholders could understand the physical and digital interactions.
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They built a model and demoed it to the users. Is that about it ?
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House! Spoiler tags, because a bit of your soul might die.
Some poor sod *desperately* trying to justify his/her retention on the payroll.
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House! Spoiler tags, because a bit of your soul might die.
During the project, [Co] deployed both Design Thinking methodologies and User Experience Design that would establish the case for change. The team brought completely new ways of working to the [Client] board, delivering the work using an agile methodology based on co-creation and sprint delivery.
[Co] built an interactive project website to collaborate with stakeholders and communicate their progress, developed digital prototypes as proof of concept and hosted ‘show & tell’ workshops to validate the direction of travel. The strategic vision was articulated through graphical representations of the user experience so stakeholders could understand the physical and digital interactions.
Now I work in product, this is my life.
Agile is the worst (user experience comes a close second) – the core ideal of agile development is broadly a good idea in many cases – but it's littered and bloated with crap like this delivered by endless consultants and regurgitated wholesale by many internal teams.
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House! Spoiler tags, because a bit of your soul might die.
During the project, [Co] deployed both Design Thinking methodologies and User Experience Design that would establish the case for change. The team brought completely new ways of working to the [Client] board, delivering the work using an agile methodology based on co-creation and sprint delivery.
[Co] built an interactive project website to collaborate with stakeholders and communicate their progress, developed digital prototypes as proof of concept and hosted ‘show & tell’ workshops to validate the direction of travel. The strategic vision was articulated through graphical representations of the user experience so stakeholders could understand the physical and digital interactions.
"We made it up as we went along and rushed the project to completion, but we're spinning this as us being innovative. We also made a pretty website with fun clicky bits, and drew some pictures to show people what we meant because they couldn't understand the nonsense words we were spewing out."
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“We asked the lusers what they wanted and started to make it. Then the lusers decided it needed to open and close Tower Bridge, carry their golf bats and be capable of sending egg and cress sandwiches* electronically. So it ended up being a bit of a rush job. Embarrassingly, we documented the whole process instead of The Product, which is why the lusers are now complaining that they can’t make it work. Our annual bonus is, however, guaranteed.”
* Other bread-and-filling-based snack products are available. E&OE. SPQR. THFC.
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“We asked the lusers what they wanted and started to make it. Then the lusers decided it needed to open and close Tower Bridge, carry their golf bats and be capable of sending egg and cress sandwiches* electronically. So it ended up being a bit of a rush job. Embarrassingly, we documented the whole process instead of The Product, which is why the lusers are now complaining that they can’t make it work. Our annual bonus is, however, guaranteed.”
* Other bread-and-filling-based snack products are available. E&OE. SPQR. THFC.
Tiermat's Hotspur of Football Coffee?
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we have acquired some manglement consultants who seem to be obsessed with this kind of thing. They keep needing my area of technical (rather than handwavy) expertise and seem miffed when I say "I'll have to go away and think about it"
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Not sure if this one is insane management speak but it's new to me. That's probably just me not being in touch with the right managers though. Anyway, "take carriage of" as in "Alistair will take carriage of this programme."
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I despair.
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There are several positive scenario realisations resulting from my on-going retirement status. Not least of which are that I no longer have to ensure that I've achieved some arbitrary target by close of play in order to maximise the progress towards the upcoming gateway review. And can choose a suitable day to play out on my bike, based on the weather forecast.
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The person responsible for 'take carriage of' has now also used 'in agreeance' and 'closement'...
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Hanging's too good for them.
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There are several positive scenario realisations resulting from my on-going retirement status. Not least of which are that I no longer have to ensure that I've achieved some arbitrary target by close of play in order to maximise the progress towards the upcoming gateway review. And can choose a suitable day to play out on my bike, based on the weather forecast.
Don't you mean 'diarise a suitable calendar opportunity to progress the cycle by complete revolutions'?
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*looks into this thread*
*turns around, walks briskly in the other direction*
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The person responsible for 'take carriage of' has now also used 'in agreeance' and 'closement'...
Sorry, old man, we don't understand your banter.
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"Agreeance" is actually a proper word, albeit archaic. "Closement" on the other hand...
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"Closement" on the other hand...
You know how to achieve closement?
Through a process of closementification, of course.
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;D
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And when that's been done to you, you may wish to rate your closementificationness.
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Closenation, surely.
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I'm holding out until I can leverage my augmentationised closementificationness to gain traction in an…
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Closenation, surely.
Isn't closenation what we have right now?
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A manager of mine used to refer to the “White elephant” in the room.
He also told me once that he was going somewhere the following day with poor mobile phone reception and travelling therefore incognito.
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A manager of mine used to refer to the “White elephant” in the room.
He also told me once that he was going somewhere the following day with poor mobile phone reception and travelling therefore incognito.
Ah, obviously got his words jumbled . . .
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This reminds that we are heading into annual review season, tis the time for pointless corporate bullshit that serves no purpose other than to give a couple of layers of management a break from forwarding spreadsheets and Powerpoint slides between two points.
Imagine how productive the world would be without the corporate bullshit, and then endless emails and pointless meetings.
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That would lead to a massive surge in the unemployment figures, at least until the layers of PHBs can be repurposed as sprout pickers, baristas, unicorn wranglers and wipers of OAPs' bottoms in care homes. Call it a Brexit Bonus.
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A manager of mine used to refer to the “White elephant” in the room.
He also told me once that he was going somewhere the following day with poor mobile phone reception and travelling therefore incognito.
Ah, obviously got his words jumbled . . .
ITYM jungled.
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Or jumboed
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That would lead to a massive surge in the unemployment figures, at least until the layers of PHBs can be repurposed as sprout pickers, baristas, unicorn wranglers and wipers of OAPs' bottoms in care homes. Call it a Brexit Bonus.
We did, under a prior regime, tentative cull some management layers. Then in the most recent regime change we added them back x2, so we're back with the millefeuille school of management. But at least you can eat a millefeuille.
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That would lead to a massive surge in the unemployment figures, at least until the layers of PHBs can be repurposed as sprout pickers, baristas, unicorn wranglers and wipers of OAPs' bottoms in care homes. Call it a Brexit Bonus.
We did, under a prior regime, tentative cull some management layers. Then in the most recent regime change we added them back x2, so we're back with the millefeuille school of management. But at least you can eat a millefeuille.
In the inevitable post-Brexit shortages we may have to eat PHBs too. On the whole rats appear more appetising.
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That would lead to a massive surge in the unemployment figures, at least until the layers of PHBs can be repurposed as sprout pickers, baristas, unicorn wranglers and wipers of OAPs' bottoms in care homes. Call it a Brexit Bonus.
We did, under a prior regime, tentative cull some management layers. Then in the most recent regime change we added them back x2, so we're back with the millefeuille school of management. But at least you can eat a millefeuille.
In the inevitable post-Brexit shortages we may have to eat PHBs too. On the whole rats appear more appetising.
Onna stick? Inna bun?
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"Please protocol this request at your earliest convenience".
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Ermm. What does that _mean_? Does it mean _anything_?
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https://dilbert.com/strip/2020-01-01 (https://dilbert.com/strip/2020-01-01)
This is my life
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An ex-colleague used to tell the story of trying to order fairly ordinary PCs for the RAF. They had to be completely specified, model, version, disk size, memory, the whole lot.
By the time the procurement process had ground its weary way to a conclusion, the vendors no longer sold a machine to that spec. And the RAF were not allowed to buy the replacement, which was either better or cheaper or both. :facepalm:
They did get the process changed eventually.
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My partner tells me that in their company, when discussing marketing of new products they are strongly advised not to go in for "feature fucking".
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How to tell a company doesn't have any British employees... Yep they really did pick that name...
https://twitter.com/noncefinance/status/1412079348861923328
J
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Talking of names, it looks like Agile has finally caught up with our geriatric team. Oops. Sorry, that's an inappropriate term. I should have said geriatric 'squad'. We have to choose a name for ourselves, so I insouciantly suggested 'Mainframe apps support team squad' (it's what we do), but was told that that would pigeon-hole us. There are 6 of us, ave age around 62, so we're highly unlikely to be be learning new tricks, and are all happy to be pigeon-holed. Our boss, under pressure to play the game, suggested 'cliffhangers' to reflect a) that we're mostly just hanging on, metaphorically, and b) our business have been unsuccesful, despite trying for 16 years, in replacing our apps with something more up-to-date, and are consequently driving off that same cliff edge. It went to a vote. 6-1 for my suggestion, but we're now called the 'Cliffhangers squad' (which - I pointed out, rather pigeon-holes us).
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I called my two squads strange and charm, which considering their quantum progress at the moment, seems apt. It does mean we have a weekly strange refinement.
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How to tell a company doesn't have any British employees... Yep they really did pick that name...
https://twitter.com/noncefinance/status/1412079348861923328 (https://twitter.com/noncefinance/status/1412079348861923328)
J
My daughter, who has a First in English, used to provide some translation/proof reading services for companies in Hong Kong. Oddly, some companies insisted that their English versions were correct, despite colloquial gaffes being highlighted in translation.
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This doesn't quite qualify for this thread, but I've just heard (from management) an occasion on which the whole team went for lunch together described as "a lunch retreat".
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Today. On the telephone to colleague.
Me. I dunno what this bit {insert technical waffle here} does. Any ideas?
Colleague. Ermm no. I'll ask $othercolleague when I touch base with him.
Me. Do you mean, "Talk to."?
Colleague. "Christ! I'm talking 'Management Bollocks'. Shoot me now!"
I laughed.
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Word of the week at my virtual work Huddle = get back in the brick & mortar office and meet people fact to face.
Sounds a bit worryingly like cuddle and I've never met most of my colleagues in real life before ::-)
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I just sat through an hours briefing on a new QA system that's being developed at work. Moderately useful to know, but I nearly missed it because it was advertised as a 'Show and Tell' - they were lucky I bothered to read the Email. :facepalm:
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Announcement yesterday that Our Department [TM] would be merging with Another Department [TM] and that the boss of Another Department [TM] would be the new head honcho of The New Combined Department [TM].
Diligently, I went online to find out more about my new colleagues.
OMG its all "horizontal workstreams" "investment engine rooms" and (my favourite) "value driven roadmap planning".
FFS. :hand:
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OMG its all "horizontal workstreams" "investment engine rooms" and (my favourite) "value driven roadmap planning".
FFS. :hand:
I can't begin to think what that is in normal speak.
B Ark?
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On a different tangent, why do people I work with regularly refer to joining a video conference as dialling in? What makes this most bizarre is that this is used by people too young to have used a telephone dial in real life? ???
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Because just before the zoom era Important Business was carried out by making an actual phone call to a conference call service, which you would do from an echoey meeting room and yell into an expensive plastic triangle in the middle of the table.
“Dialling” as the verb for making a phone call has long outlasted actual dials.
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On a related note, I noticed that the Ring-and-Ride service were using an ex-That-London Dial-a-Ride minibus (presumably not LEZ-compliant) the other day.
The alternative name amused me when I first moved to Brum, but if anything it makes slightly more sense.
Meanwhile, the term 'call' is synonymous with 'telephone call' to my generation. I had to point out that "we will call on you" meant in the old people turning-up-at-your-door sense when helping barakta fill in some form or other, and she was unaware of that usage.
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I think "call on" is distinct from "call" in that example.
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Apparently, two coaches in our rowing club 'don't have the bandwidth to take this <coaching commitment> on'.
Yes, bandwidth. In a bloody rowing club. I thought retirement would end my exposure to this bollocks, but no.
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"we will call on you"
and leave a "calling card". No, not that kind of calling card.
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It's not just management, it's infecting the junior ranks as well - I found this in a report I'm reviewing
"To facilitate the fulfilment of documentation requirements from CU to BU level efficiently"
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Cockup and bugarup?
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It's not just management, it's infecting the junior ranks as well - I found this in a report I'm reviewing
"To facilitate the fulfilment of documentation requirements from CU to BU level efficiently"
B++ for effort, or at least desire to impress.
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I used 'circle back' yesterday.
I was only slightly taking the piss. :-[
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It's not just management, it's infecting the junior ranks as well - I found this in a report I'm reviewing
"To facilitate the fulfilment of documentation requirements from CU to BU level efficiently"
B++ for effort, or at least desire to impress.
I asked what they meant, they explained, I thought why the fuck didn't you just say that in the first place?
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Word of the week at my virtual work Huddle = get back in the brick & mortar office and meet people fact to face.
Sounds a bit worryingly like cuddle and I've never met most of my colleagues in real life before ::-)
Oh Gawd... at my former employer the social committee got renamed 'The Huddle' and thus was born an entire lexicon of bollocks involving Huddlers, Hudlees, Hudovating
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Announcement yesterday that Our Department [TM] would be merging with Another Department [TM] and that the boss of Another Department [TM] would be the new head honcho of The New Combined Department [TM].
Diligently, I went online to find out more about my new colleagues.
OMG its all "horizontal workstreams" "investment engine rooms" and (my favourite) "value driven roadmap planning".
FFS. :hand:
Update. Our merged teams now sit together in the office when we are there that is. I happened to be in the office earlier this week. Wandering idly towards my desk I passed a woman that I didnt recognise working furiously on a slide presentation titled "A cost and value mindset"'
I read it as "there will be redundancies and much misery for those that remain".
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Referring to the suggestion that someone's return from maternity leave should be phased rather than straight in: "The manager has socialised it it with her."
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'Socialised' has to be right up there as one of my most despised management speak examples.
I worked for a Big Corp and they thought it appropriate to 'socialise' the new T&E policy.
Nope, not 'mandate' or 'enforce' or even 'publish' or broadcast', nope, 'socialise'. Slippy-shouldered, accountability averse bastards.
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I was introduced to 'socialise' as a term meaning "Managers can now tell the rank and file."
As in "Bob, are the promotions and grade changes approved, so I can tell the team?"
"Yes, socialise it."
It was also used to indicate that a rumour should be started (maybe by mentioning it to known team gossip at the water cooler).
"There is a department rumour that XX huge changes are going to happen. We want to put a stop to that, but don't make it official (in case XX happens after all). Maybe socialise that XX isn't being planned."
Worse than Yes Minister.
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I just wrote we should discuss operationalizing this data. I feel my return to the upper decks of a corporate mothership is now complete.
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I'm attending a remote "AGILE" course as type this. Its only 12:15 on the first morning of a two day course and I've already lost the will to live.
It's not even really relevant as I'm neither a programmer nor a program manger and usually work in a team of one.
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A virtual meeting included talk of Offboarding staff. As in thrown overboard surplus to requirement ::-).
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A virtual meeting included talk of Offboarding staff. As in thrown overboard surplus to requirement ::-).
It's more polite than "planking" :)
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Not a phrase as such, but an utterly stupid management idea:
https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2022-05-16/what-is-the-best-question-to-ask-a-job-applicant?sref=htOHjx5Y
I never cease to be amazed at the absolute bullshit that gets passed off as wisdom in the business world.
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But back to phrases - one I've encountered a fair bit lately is "C-suite", meaning senior management.
Also:
MQL (marketing qualified lead) - ie someone who has been identified as a potential customer based on their interests
KOL (key opinion leader) - a fancy way of saying "influencer"
:sick:
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Not a phrase as such, but an utterly stupid management idea:
There's a good management idea? Asking for a friend.
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There's a good management idea? Asking for a friend.
Giving me a pay rise would count as a good management idea.
Can't remember the last time it happened though. ::-)
The piece I linked to was a spectacularly idiotic piece of drivel even by management standards.
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Not a phrase as such, but an utterly stupid management idea:
https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2022-05-16/what-is-the-best-question-to-ask-a-job-applicant?sref=htOHjx5Y
I never cease to be amazed at the absolute bullshit that gets passed off as wisdom in the business world.
Could be an interesting forum thread, I suppose.
I'm betting it's like how people who use email: The old-fashioned organised ones with folders and filters are probably the same sort of people who have the same few tabs open in a specific order for genuine quick access. The search-for-everything people probably have squillions of tabs.
Neither is actually good or bad. Unless you have to share a browser / mail account with them.
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The reason I think it's a particularly stupid idea is that if I'm in a job interview, I'll have no browser windows open at all. I especially won't have social media sites open. (I had an interview over Teams recently and made sure to close down all other apps and put my phone in airplane mode before it started. Like duh.)
Outside of that kind of situation, I'll generally have whatever tabs open that I need for whatever I'm doing right now. I mean, maybe I've been doing the internet wrong all these years, but I've always found one of the great things about the www to be that I don't need to keep a tab open when I've finished looking a website - I can always re-open it if I need it again.
Anyway, aside from being basically a stupid idea, that piece is full of all sorts of false assumptions that irritated me.
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Total Pish.
The tabs I have open are the ones relevant to what I'm doing right now.
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I have no idea what tabs I have open at any particular time though the odds are they’re not all family friendly. Mostly it’s a case of too many.
Our mothership c-suite refer to me as the d-suite. I still have plenty of alphabet to go.
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Even if I had tabs open in an interview, there's no way I would tell them that one was YACF.
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I've been trying to reduce the number of tabs I have open. It's down to about 150 now.
The first 30 or so are always the same, the rest depend a lot...
J
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Even if I had tabs open in an interview, there's no way I would tell them that one was YACF.
Even if I did tell them that, there's no way I would tell them that one of the YACF tabs was discussing how to answer an interview question about what tabs I had open.
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I've been trying to reduce the number of tabs I have open. It's down to about 150 now.
:o
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I've been trying to reduce the number of tabs I have open. It's down to about 150 now.
The first 30 or so are always the same, the rest depend a lot...
I bet your desktop is more akin to this:
(https://preview.redd.it/3466psyewti21.jpg?auto=webp&s=ad1dd1c26f70781f50129b793912879faea4bd87)
than this:
(https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/52119114813_3e18447005_c.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/2npA62P)
too :demon:
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I bet your desktop is more akin to this:
That first pic makes me feel physically sick.
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The second one made me notice that I've neglected to rename the topmost item to “Dave's Anbaric Dustbin” too :facepalm:
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I've been trying to reduce the number of tabs I have open. It's down to about 150 now.
The first 30 or so are always the same, the rest depend a lot...
J
I not quite that bad, maybe 40-50 in my case, in some cases work-related stuff that I plan to come back and read later, also Dilbert
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Isn't this what Bookmarks are for?
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I bet your desktop is more akin to this:
<snip>
too :demon:
Nope. My system has no desktop at all. Just blank screen covered in windows. There's no minimise for the windows, they also have no title bar, and a single one pixel boarder. It's incredibly low resource usage, very efficient for me to use. And has the added advantage that no one can use my laptop as it's too obscure...
J
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(https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/52119114813_3e18447005_c.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/2npA62P)
Too many icons :hand:
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Yeah, I know, but that God Mode wossname is quite handy. I don’t think you can hide the Recycle Bin. Can you?
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Yeah, I know, but that God Mode wossname is quite handy. I don’t think you can hide the Recycle Bin. Can you?
Recycling bin? That's in the kitchen.
It's worth noting I use Linux and evilwm as my primary OS and window manager.
J
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The reason I think it's a particularly stupid idea is that if I'm in a job interview, I'll have no browser windows open at all. I especially won't have social media sites open. (I had an interview over Teams recently and made sure to close down all other apps and put my phone in airplane mode before it started. Like duh.)
This. But then I suppose there's another load of assumptions and guesses waiting to be written about people who have no windows open.
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The reason I think it's a particularly stupid idea is that if I'm in a job interview, I'll have no browser windows open at all. I especially won't have social media sites open. (I had an interview over Teams recently and made sure to close down all other apps and put my phone in airplane mode before it started. Like duh.)
This. But then I suppose there's another load of assumptions and guesses waiting to be written about people who have no windows open.
So you close all your windows and turn off your computer after each usage?
J
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Yeah, I know, but that God Mode wossname is quite handy. I don’t think you can hide the Recycle Bin. Can you?
Just press delete, then you can move the recycle bin to the recycle bin...
Or Settings > Personalisation > Themes > Desktop icon settings. Can choose what you want to show.
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The reason I think it's a particularly stupid idea is that if I'm in a job interview, I'll have no browser windows open at all. I especially won't have social media sites open. (I had an interview over Teams recently and made sure to close down all other apps and put my phone in airplane mode before it started. Like duh.)
This. But then I suppose there's another load of assumptions and guesses waiting to be written about people who have no windows open.
So you close all your windows and turn off your computer after each usage?
J
???
I close windows I no longer need. I have for instance just closed the W****e window (it was ). And I turn my computer off when I'm no longer using it, like I turn off the oven when the pizza I'm about to eat is done.
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It's not just management, it's infecting the junior ranks as well - I found this in a report I'm reviewing
"To facilitate the fulfilment of documentation requirements from CU to BU level efficiently"
It’d be more efficient if they were concise.
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So you close all your windows and turn off your computer after each usage?
If by "usage" you mean session then yes.
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The reason I think it's a particularly stupid idea is that if I'm in a job interview, I'll have no browser windows open at all. I especially won't have social media sites open. (I had an interview over Teams recently and made sure to close down all other apps and put my phone in airplane mode before it started. Like duh.)
This. But then I suppose there's another load of assumptions and guesses waiting to be written about people who have no windows open.
So you close all your windows and turn off your computer after each usage?
The Great Hall PC stays on 24/7 and the laptop only gets turned on every few months. The Estate Office PC does get properly shut down because if you don't Windows had, and possibly still has, a nasty habit of waking it up to Do Things which you'd prefer it didn’t.
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???
I close windows I no longer need. I have for instance just closed the W****e window (it was ). And I turn my computer off when I'm no longer using it, like I turn off the oven when the pizza I'm about to eat is done.
I suspend/hibernate/sleep my device when I am done with it for the current time. Then when I want to use it again I open it back up and resume exactly where I left off.
Your oven analogy isn't a good one. Better would be the TV. Do you leave it on standby where hitting the remote will bring you back to where you were. Or do you detune all the channels and unplug it from the wall?
J
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A TV analogy would have to be the interviewer asking the last few programmes you watched, as your TV can't display more than one channel at a time. You can, however, have many pies in the oven at once.
But I don't actually understand what you mean about detuning all the channels. Once you've got the channels tuned in, they stay tuned in regardless of power supply. At least, they used to – perhaps TV sets have "progressed" in the ~18 years since I last had one!
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A TV analogy would have to be the interviewer asking the last few programmes you watched, as your TV can't display more than one channel at a time. You can, however, have many pies in the oven at once.
But I don't actually understand what you mean about detuning all the channels. Once you've got the channels tuned in, they stay tuned in regardless of power supply. At least, they used to – perhaps TV sets have "progressed" in the ~18 years since I last had one!
Once I have all the tabs open they stay open in the order and position I left them in.
J
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As do the tabs in $BROWSER when you shut it down and restart it, provided you tick the “Restart where I left off” option in Settings.
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I switch off the TV power with a smart socket when not using it. I only have 1-3 tabs open on my browser at any one time. We are all different!
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I shut everything down at the end of the day and start afresh the next. Otherwise I’d be incrementally cluttered to death.
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Yeah, I know, but that God Mode wossname is quite handy. I don’t think you can hide the Recycle Bin. Can you?
God Mode is the only icon on my desktop. lissotriton mentioned options oop north ^^^^
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As do the tabs in $BROWSER when you shut it down and restart it, provided you tick the “Restart where I left off” option in Settings.
I achieve that by using the suspend/hibernate function. which also means my cad package is still where I left it.
I shut everything down at the end of the day and start afresh the next. Otherwise I’d be incrementally cluttered to death.
Do you come to a complete finish on all tasks at the end of a day? No carrying over of tasks to the next day ?
J
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[quote author=quixoticgeek link=topic=49325.msg2727219#msg2727219 date=
Surely it depends on the type of job. At work, I always turn off at the end of a clinic as there is nothing else to do.
At home some things stay open, eg route planning.
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I do end my days in a state of tidy closure and everything gets shut down and turned off. I suppose it depends on the sort of job, I'm tidy haired management these days, so I merely create order from the chaos below and distil it into something that makes our fleet commander happy. If there's something ongoing, it's usually in my head. I may occasionally scribble a few notes about tasks to finish off. I'm strict about work and personal life, so off is off.
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Stuff can stay open, for tomorrow's list, but once walk out of my office, that's it, day over
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BDE - Business Development Executive, aka sales staff.
And the current unfave - PTO - Paid Time Off, aka holiday.
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Stuffs that I need every time - viz. Chrome, Thunderbird, File Mangler* and a particular Excel spreadsheet – are in the Startup folder. Task Manager isn’t because for no readily apparent reason it doesn’t end up in the right bit of screen and iTunes isn’t either because it usually starts too quickly for the PC to have reëstablished diplomatic relations with the NAS with the media files on.
* or whatever Microsith are calling it this week.
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And the current unfave - PTO - Paid Time Off, aka holiday.
There’s something rather sinister about that one.
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And the current unfave - PTO - Paid Time Off, aka holiday.
There’s something rather sinister about that one.
From perusing Faceache and Tw@tter, it seems to be very much an American thing. So yes, very sinister.
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And the current unfave - PTO - Paid Time Off, aka holiday.
There’s something rather sinister about that one.
Fumbling about in our HR system yesterday, I found that I have access to a 'terminate employee' button.
I do wonder if it offers options like poison, electrocution, ninja assassins, cyborg from the future...
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I haven't come across PTO but I've heard plenty of UK HR bods talk about FTO. The F stands for flexible. I think...
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Fumbling about in our HR system yesterday, I found that I have access to a 'terminate employee' button.
Next to the "retiree" button? Must be in another thread that I mentioned that an "...ee" is someone to whom something is done*, so a retiree is someone who has been retired, presumably by the company. I was hoping to play a more active role than that when my turn comes.
* For example, disputes are referred to a referee, and a lease is let by a lessor to a lessee. I'd prefer to be a retirer than a retiree.
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And the current unfave - PTO - Paid Time Off, aka holiday.
There’s something rather sinister about that one.
Fumbling about in our HR system yesterday, I found that I have access to a 'terminate employee' button.
I do wonder if it offers options like poison, electrocution, ninja assassins, cyborg from the future...
If it doesn’t have “Shark tank” I'm not interested.
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You are Emilio Largo AICMFP.
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Fumbling about in our HR system yesterday, I found that I have access to a 'terminate employee' button.
That sounds even more satisfying than the "Kill (BT)" button that AAISP customers get.
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???
I close windows I no longer need. I have for instance just closed the W****e window (it was ). And I turn my computer off when I'm no longer using it, like I turn off the oven when the pizza I'm about to eat is done.
I suspend/hibernate/sleep my device when I am done with it for the current time. Then when I want to use it again I open it back up and resume exactly where I left off.
Your oven analogy isn't a good one. Better would be the TV. Do you leave it on standby where hitting the remote will bring you back to where you were. Or do you detune all the channels and unplug it from the wall?
J
My work computer is off in a data centre somewhere, it's a real physical thing but just away somewhere else. All the machines on the desks are just essentially terminals running windows in which I can check my email, and launch a remote session to my actual computer to do some work. I tend to just leave everything running on my computer and hope no one does some maintenance which causes a reboot of the rack.
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Marketing speak, which is after all a specific form of management speak:
Keeping HealthCare was important, but so is signaling a change to the future, and capitalizing the H and the C in HealthCare to demonstrate the dependency between better care and better health. It's a critical focus we place on supporting both. You can see here the E and the A in ‘Health’ signify a reciprocal relationship between our people, patients and providers. And the curved, fluid or softer letter forms are just more humble, approachable, empathetic; really a sign of our employee base. And the letters lean into each other to demonstrate our focus on caring for patients throughout a seamless connected journey of patient care.
And so we also chose a new color as you can see; our signature purple brand color, and we're going to call it ‘compassion purple’. And it represents an evolution from the corporate blue, adding warmth to emphasize our focus on people and our commitment to improving the lives of patients and clinicians. And so our new brand identity reflects our optimism for the future as we seek to advance personalized, connected care and really compassionate care ultimately making better health possible for everyone.
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Marketing speak, which is after all a specific form of management speak:
Keeping HealthCare was important, but so is signaling a change to the future, and capitalizing the H and the C in HealthCare to demonstrate the dependency between better care and better health. It's a critical focus we place on supporting both. You can see here the E and the A in ‘Health’ signify a reciprocal relationship between our people, patients and providers. And the curved, fluid or softer letter forms are just more humble, approachable, empathetic; really a sign of our employee base. And the letters lean into each other to demonstrate our focus on caring for patients throughout a seamless connected journey of patient care.
And so we also chose a new color as you can see; our signature purple brand color, and we're going to call it ‘compassion purple’. And it represents an evolution from the corporate blue, adding warmth to emphasize our focus on people and our commitment to improving the lives of patients and clinicians. And so our new brand identity reflects our optimism for the future as we seek to advance personalized, connected care and really compassionate care ultimately making better health possible for everyone.
Are you sure this is real, and they're not pulling your leg?
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Deadly real. This is a US-based multinational who also have interests in your industry, albeit no longer directly in exploration and production I think.
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That's a fairly standard branding pitch. We went through that at my last place and ended up with a company name that sounded to everyone like it was a spot cream and a colour scheme that mostly consisted of two colours that wanted to go outside and fight one another.
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And The Mgt will call the results “exciting”. Or at least they did at my last BigCo, where they wanted us to be overwhelmed by the building gaining a red sign on one side and a green one on the other. For avoiding collisions at sea, OK, but the chances of a supertanker with a drunk at the helm coming up the River Stort were always pretty slim.
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We were promised a unique colour palette that yadda yadda yadda and combined into a unique identity of colours that clearly established our visual identity from core competitors, which basically meant they'd selected the colours that no one else with eyeballs would have touched.
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"No ian, fifty shades of grey isn't our new corporate colour palette."
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Marketing speak, which is after all a specific form of management speak:
Keeping HealthCare was important, but so is signaling a change to the future, and capitalizing the H and the C in HealthCare to demonstrate the dependency between better care and better health....
I feel terribly old. But every time I see this kind of thing, I ask myself whether marketing is allowed to over-ride the rules of English, which has historically resisted word concatenation and, outside programming languages (which are not in any real sense intended to be pieces of English prose), doesn't much like camel case.
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"No ian, fifty shades of grey isn't our new corporate colour palette."
That would be too accessible and easy to print.
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Marketing speak, which is after all a specific form of management speak:
Keeping HealthCare was important, but so is signaling a change to the future, and capitalizing the H and the C in HealthCare to demonstrate the dependency between better care and better health....
I feel terribly old. But every time I see this kind of thing, I ask myself whether marketing is allowed to over-ride the rules of English, which has historically resisted word concatenation and, outside programming languages (which are not in any real sense intended to be pieces of English prose), doesn't much like camel case.
It's a fair point, but CamelCase is vastly preferable to the crimes against spelling the marketroids would otherwise come up with. If nothing else it generally helps, rather than actively hinders, pronunciation.
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In this case HealthCare, as distinct from healthcare, is a brand name adopted as part of a big rebranding "spin" (which is a word they're using as short for "spin off"; "Work on the spins is progressing well")
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We came up with a portmanteau name of which each component word added to something to the gestaltian whole (clarity, activate and innovate), but the end result still sounded like a spot cream that no one in the fat east can pronounce.
Still, we were miss[ing an] opportunity to tell the holistic story of human ingenuity at the heart of the business, and clearly communicate the connected value and end-benefit for customers across the portfolio.
Et c.
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[…] no one in the fat east can pronounce.
Sumo wrestlers?
(http://legslarry.org.uk/BikeStull/coat_48.png)
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Super excited and incredibly passionate about my best bit of management speak I have ever heard. "Lets put that in the ideas fridge and snack on it later" ;D
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In this case HealthCare, as distinct from healthcare, is a brand name adopted as part of a big rebranding "spin" (which is a word they're using as short for "spin off"; "Work on the spins is progressing well")
Rubbish brand name of course, if you want any kind of trade mark. The idea of a trade mark is to be distinctive. If you just use any kind of descriptive word, even violating the odd rule of grammar to make your version a bit different does not constitute "distinctive".
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Super excited and incredibly passionate about my best bit of management speak I have ever heard. "Lets put that in the ideas fridge and snack on it later" ;D
That literally sounds like something I might say.
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Super excited and incredibly passionate about my best bit of management speak I have ever heard. "Lets put that in the ideas fridge and snack on it later" ;D
That literally sounds like something I might say.
Usefully ambiguous. Noted for consideration or dismissed?
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Super excited and incredibly passionate about my best bit of management speak I have ever heard. "Lets put that in the ideas fridge and snack on it later" ;D
That literally sounds like something I might say.
You are Gus Hedges AICM5P
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Super excited and incredibly passionate about my best bit of management speak I have ever heard. "Lets put that in the ideas fridge and snack on it later" ;D
That literally sounds like something I might say.
Well it's always nice to run things up the flagpole with someone singing from the same hymnsheet ;)
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the fat east can pronounce.
I think you'll find that is west.
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Dilbert for today, Sunday 21 August 22 says it all: https://dilbert.com/ - just missing "the low hanging fruit" ;D
[Scott Adams the Dilbert creator worked for AT&T - so did I back in the 80s/early 90s - it really was like that!]
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"... super excited ..." really drives me up the wall. It's not just management bullshit and sales geek waffle, it's also now spawned all over YouTube (and presumably other social media platforms) spouted by otherwise the most innocuous of influencers and vloggers.
I wanted to find a help vid on Vaillant boiler codes and the otherwise presentable boiler engineer was super excited to share with me what those codes mean and ...
The only bit of management speak I can think of to describe these unthinking idiots is,
🤬🤬🤬🤬 !!!
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Everything is “super” these days :( Mountain stages of the Tour are always super hard but the winner is always super happy. Even the native English speakers do it. It almost makes one nostalgic for the era when CP Sagan only knew one English word :demon:
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It's a known linguistic process whereby adverbs of reinforcement become weaker over time, so need replacing.
happy > very happy > very, very happy > extremely happy > super happy >>>
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What is this, "happy" of which you speak?
Victor.
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I’m a super-user. Using it makes me super-happy.
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Email reponse from BT re digital phone system on my Business Broadband account being very flakey . . .
Hi Robert,
I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out. As far as I’m aware this is not a know issue.
Can you confirm that you have been using the most up to date version of the app? Could you also provide the following details please and I can look into this:
1.Your Account username
2. Your Service ID
3. Detail Description of the issue
4. Device name
5. App version
6. Screen shot of the actual error/issue
7. Share LOG file
Thanks,
Mel
Me replying:
Thanks for the reply (I didn't "reach out" - I sent an email!!)
My BT Account Name is . . .. etc for all the info (that they already have from my phone number)
Where do they get all this crap?
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Everything is “super” these days :( Mountain stages of the Tour are always super hard but the winner is always super happy. Even the native English speakers do it. It almost makes one nostalgic for the era when CP Sagan only knew one English word :demon:
For sure...
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Not so much Management Speak, well.... I suppose it is.....
I had an appointment at Barclay's Bank today to sort out lasting power of attorney details for my Mum's affairs.
Not an entirely unpleasant process, at the end of which the woman I had the appointment with gave me her business card.
I note that on it, her position is given as that of Moment Banker.
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Something to do with leverage?
Otherwise it sounds like a FriendFace feature...
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As in moments of inertia?
I hadn't thought of that.
Good call.
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Oh, it's worse than that. It appears to be marketing speak for "any non-trivial interaction with your bank":
https://www.barclays.co.uk/moments/
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:sick:
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After a they've been in that role for a while and met their KPIs, they get promoted to Magic Moment Banker.
Burt Bacharach and Hal David created an inspirational song for them.
The above nonsense may contain LIE or traces of LIE .
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For those of you that are not familiar with this transformation programme, [Wanky Name] is a methodology designed by [Corp Inc] to premiumise our offers and convert innovation through marketing into EBITDA. We have built this recipe to launch and scale in relation to marketing in order to increase the value-generation for our customers and to generate by 2024 €15 million incremental EBITDA. [Wanky Name] is all about value creation thanks to superior service level, brand equity, smart innovation including enriched offers and digital services, and partnership with key players. [Wanky Name] is powered by a new sales and marketing operating model, design-led and with the objective to provide a platinum experience to our platinum customers and partners.
I hope you won't be surprised to discover that the premiumisation and the platinum experience for the platinum customers is based on the internet of things.
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Thought shower.
In my world a shower is either for washing yourself or, a term of abuse " that organisation are an absolute shower".
Not an ideas generating process.
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I suppose that one's come about by analogy from "baby shower". That in itself is enough to condemn the phrase.
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A shower is something you'd prefer not to ride a bike or go for a walk in.
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A shower is something you'd prefer not to ride a bike or go for a walk in.
That depends. Doing those things in thought can be quite pleasant, either in anticipation or in recollection of the physical activity, but doing them in a baby would be just weird!
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I've just got in from riding a bike in one. Not something I want to repeat any time soon.
(Drips on carpet)
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Thought shower.
... a term of abuse " that organisation are an absolute shower".
I think perhaps that's a very concise and near perfect description of the outcome of the "process". It may help you to add, sotto voce naturally, the coda, "...of shit." every time it is used.
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https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/commentisfree/2022/dec/04/may-i-have-a-word-about-never-cursing-your-alarm-clock-again-its-an-opportunity
“We need to map the current as is position and produce a value proposition. This will be designed for proactive application seeking a holistic approach with buy in from stakeholders. We need to understand the potential interface with existing IT and seek approval to escalate through appropriate change control procedures so that deliverables are approved by identifying high level requirements to high level support and limit the impact of slippage through robust contingency planning.”
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Bingo \o/
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https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/commentisfree/2022/dec/04/may-i-have-a-word-about-never-cursing-your-alarm-clock-again-its-an-opportunity
“We need to map the current as is position and produce a value proposition. This will be designed for proactive application seeking a holistic approach with buy in from stakeholders. We need to understand the potential interface with existing IT and seek approval to escalate through appropriate change control procedures so that deliverables are approved by identifying high level requirements to high level support and limit the impact of slippage through robust contingency planning.”
Sorry, but compared to a lot of management speak I've encountered that's a model of lucidity.
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“Incremental” seems to be getting used to mean “the sort of thing we wouldn’t usually manage”. In my previous career it meant “worthy but not exciting”. I’m sure an incremental improvement isn’t supposed to be the sort of thing a visionary CEO talks about at length.
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"We have a high level of confidence that we can outturn the expect end of year target."
:sick:
Not sure I've come across this use of "outturn" before. I'm not a fan.
My edit:
"We are confident we can achieve our end-of-year target."
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Outturned nice again.
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Outturned nice again.
;D
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Is it a misspelling of "outrun" for one of those targets that changes if you're in danger of meeting it?
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
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Today was the day of my annual review, where judgement is pronounced upon my ineptitude and misfeasance by my overlord and stern mistress boss. As she completed the itemization of my many crimes she launched the good ship of my future development plans, a ship that to date has enjoyed all the glories of the Titanic. You should seriously consider doing an MBA, said she. I'm not joking, she added. But miss, said I, I have a core of boiling cynicism, churning away like an untended nuclear reactor.
I suspect this is mostly in response to the fact I wrote 'anything but your job' in that section.
Give me a couple of years and I'm going to rule this topic.
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"We have a high level of confidence that we can outturn the expect end of year target."
:sick:
Not sure I've come across this use of "outturn" before. I'm not a fan.
My edit:
"We are confident we can achieve our end-of-year target."
Is that like the Titanic trying to out turn an ice berg?
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COMPLETION REQUIRED BY 31 JANUARY 2024
According to our records, as of 0900 GMT on 29 January you had not yet submitted your Annual Compliance Declaration.
Please click here to complete your Annual Compliance Declaration. The Declaration is comprised of a few short questions. If you are already aware of, and have followed, the Code and selected Policies, this Declaration should take you no more than five minutes to complete.
The Declaration process is monitored, with reporting of progress to the BigCo Risk & Compliance Committee and Chapter Heads. Reporting will be provided to line managers showing individuals within their teams who have not completed their Declaration by 31 January. Anyone who does not complete their Declaration by this date may be asked to explain why they have not done so.
If you have any questions about this process, please contact the Group Compliance team at Group.Compliance@BigCo.com
Nowhere in all that word soup does it actually say what it is that they want us to do or to not do.
RESOLVING ACCESS ISSUES
Some users have reported that they see a permission request message when they access the tool, and they have been unsure of how to proceed. This message is part of the security that Microsoft implement around the PowerApps platform used by BigCo.
So not only are they not telling us what they want us to do or not do, but they have cocked up the way that we can or can't get to the electronic form that allows us to confirm that we are doing or not what they want us to do or not do.
Obviously we are more likely to get into trouble for not signing the declaration than we are for doing or not doing whatever it is that they want us do or not do.
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Someone on
Facebook for Grownups LinkedIn describes themselves as a "C-Suite Consigliere". I have no idea what this means
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Someone on Facebook for Grownups LinkedIn describes themselves as a "C-Suite Consigliere". I have no idea what this means
"C-suite" = senior management. Basically, anyone who is a 'Chief' (e.g. CIO, CTO, CFO).
'Consigliere' = an advisor.
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Someone on Facebook for Grownups LinkedIn describes themselves as a "C-Suite Consigliere". I have no idea what this means
"C-suite" = senior management. Basically, anyone who is a 'Chief' (e.g. CIO, CTO, CFO).
'Consigliere' = an advisor.
Probably really means "bagman" a.k.a. dogsbody
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A consigliere is the right hand man to a Mafia boss. If yon fellow has an Italian-looking surname, steer clear :demon:
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Someone on Facebook for Grownups LinkedIn describes themselves as a "C-Suite Consigliere". I have no idea what this means
"C-suite" = senior management. Basically, anyone who is a 'Chief' (e.g. CIO, CTO, CFO).
'Consigliere' = an advisor.
Probably really means "bagman" a.k.a. dogsbody
Most people's knowledge of the term consigliere has come from Mafia films... but the consigliere in a Mafia film wasn't the bagman. He was the trusted confidante or fixer.
A consigliere is simply an advisor or counsellor/councillor. You'll find the term widely used in Italy outside organised crime, e.g. Prof. Vincenzo Buonomo is the consigliere generale dello Stato della Città del Vaticano, and it's used as the formal title of councillors in Italy and Switzerland.
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But unless the person Tim has spotted is working in Italy, it might mean something quite different.
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When the hospital I worked in, opened a new building, management referred to patients would be admitted to a "treatment pavilion".
i.e. a ward.
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When the hospital I worked in, opened a new building, management referred to patients would be admitted to a "treatment pavilion".
i.e. a ward.
That's entirely appropriate for knee injuries.