G Imlach: | O hai from me, TV's G Imlach, teh merry felow who maek teh Chuckle Bruvs look liek teh Spaignish Inquisition! Torking ov teh Spaignish Inquisition, they shud b let loose upon teh commissaires who haz thrown L Rowe & T Martin off ov teh race! |
Omnes: | Boo! Hiss! Fix! 2 me 2 u! He's behiiiiiiiiiind u! |
Bethany (9): | Isn't this where I came in? I'll write 2 C Prudhomme iffen u think it'll help but it didn't do Crazy P Sagan much good! |
CP Sagan: | Soz, Bethany (9), I nevvah did thank u proppa-liek 4 that! |
Bethany (9): | Doan menshnit! It kick-started mi burgeoning TV career! |
T Ineo$: | We r appealing! |
TJ Visma: | We, also, r appealing! |
Omnes: | Not from this angle hahahahahaha ba-dum TISH! |
T Ineo$ & TJ Visma: | |
C Prudhomme: | U cannot appeal, as u well kno! Ask Crazy P Sagan! |
SD Brailsford: | We wuz robbed! It woz naught but fookin' handbags! |
L Rowe: | We wuz, as Sir D Brailsford sez, robbed! |
SD Millar: | They wuz robbed! |
TP Kennaugh: | They woz robbed! |
G Imlach: | & ov course this will leave T Ineo$ & TJ Visma without teh valuable road captainz 4 G Thomas, E Bernal & S Kruiswijk & not T Pinot & J Alaphilippe! |
Bethany (9): | Surely, G Imlach, u r not suggesting that teh commissaires r in teh poket ov Le Roi C Prudhomme I, the notorious Frenchman? |
G Imlach: | Perish teh thort, Bethany (9)! It iz not as though teh commissaires would fine a French rider 200 Schnibblefrancs & a meaningless tiem penalty 4 punching teh New Toylander J Bauer, iz it? |
N Bouhanni [via teh letters page ov "Boxing 2da"]: | I do not liek ur tone ov voice, G Imlach! Perhaps u wud care 2 come outsied & discuss it further? |
G Imlach: | OK! After u! |
| [FX: creaking door, growling tiger, anguished screaming, loud belch] |
G Imlach: | That's got rid ov him roffle! Apparently there iz a biek race 2da! |
SD Millar: | Noone haz a clue wot wil hapen! Iz faaaaaabulous! |
G Imlach: | 2 teh colemantary box with u, Camp Davey! |
N Boulting: | O hai! I, TV's *** Boulting, can confirm L Rowe & T Martin haz not started teh race! Look, see, teh spottyjumper! Wif a T Wellens insied it! And... |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | ...oi! Wot cnt cut me off in mid-wibble wif teh fkn shitverts! M Smith? |
M Smith: | O hai! O hai, P York! |
P York: | Ov course I am not saing it iz a decision connected wif French nationalism, teh appointment ov Bloody Stupid Johnson or teh EU, o noes! |
N Boulting: | U do kno that teh commissaires r appointed bi teh YOU-SEE-EYE & r totes independent innit? |
P York: | Yeah, rite! |
T Martin: | I iz 1 ov wot TV's S Boardman call "them Jerminz", remember! |
NC Boardman: | 4 teh avoidance ov doubt, we are not related! |
EC Boardman: | U sure? |
C Prudhomme: | Get immediately tae fck, u prolapsed she-donkeys! [Waves fleg] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Wile teh pelican iz deciding who will b teh sacrificial goat 2da, here iz a sillybollocks inna flying RIB! |
SD Millar: | Iz teh TD Gendt ov dinghies1 roffle &, moreover, LOLZ0RZ! |
N Boulting: | |
SD Millar: | Either there will b a futile break b4 teh 1st climb or there won't! |
N Boulting: | Wotever hapens TTD Energie will haz sumwun in it. Wot mite T Moviestar do 2da? |
T Moviestar: | We haz a plan? |
SD Millar: | Wot iz it? |
T Moviestar: | U haz 2 understand mutlidimensional fizzix, string theory & all teh other Stuffs that floppy-haired cleverness dispenser Prof B Cox tork about on teh anbaric wireless! |
N Boulting: | Iz another variation on teh "Hungry Hippos" plan, izn't it? |
T Moviestar: | R lips r sealed! |
N Boulting: | E Buchmann! Not in l'Equipe 2da! |
E Buchmann: | That's the way I liek it! |
Omnes: | Stone me, iz KC & Teh Sunshien Band! |
E Buchmann: | |
| [After much faffage] |
Y Offredo: | I h8 this & we're not even @ teh top ov teh 1st climb yet! |
T Wellens: | Onoz! Pwned 4 teh spottypoints! |
N Boulting: | Iz a futile break A Lutsenko PL Perisher! Look, see, hoodoos! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | We haz, on teh telling-bone, L Rowe! |
L Rowe: | Bah! |
SD Millar: | Wot u think teh punishment shud be? |
L Rowe: | I... bup... tok... guh... [NO CARRIER] |
SD Millar: | Teh YOU-SEE-EYE needs 2 sort this out! |
L Rowe: | O hai, me agane! Yellow crad spilt milk no punching! Iffen u punch sumwun u shud get teh red crad thobut! |
Omnes: | Unless ur N Bouhanni, obv... |
N Boulting: | G Thomas? |
L Rowe: | Yes, no & maybe! PS: We wuz robbed! |
N Boulting: | Look, see, teh pelican iz all back 2gether! |
SD Millar: | TM Scott r trying it on! S Yates D Impey! |
CP Sagan: | Can't u leave ur dickery until after teh snottysprint? |
SD Millar: | Chute! T Ineo$ rider! |
N Boulting: | Iz W Poels! Also C Ewan! |
SD Millar: | Big froup away. |
N Boulting: | I Montoya N Quintana $_Yates R Bardet T Wellens GV Avermaet & not Crazy P Sagan! |
GV Avermaet: | \o/ |
SD Millar: | T Moviestar haz 3 in teh break wot iz y TT Segwayfreddo iz leadin teh pelican! Team classification! |
Omnes: | Noone cares, u kno! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Just 4 a change teh Yates in teh break iz A Yates! |
Omnes: | How do u kno? |
AS Yates [in stereo]: | U don't! |
N Boulting: | Er. Tiem for teh sumptuous repast, teh .sig dishes ov teh Alpses! Or a hot-dog! M Smith, P York, strut ur funky Stuffs! |
M Smith: | 2da we find out wot iz wot! |
P York: | Esp. teh Ozard Izoard wot iz teh suXX0r & worse than teh Galabier! |
M Smith: | Iffen I Montoya N Quintana gets 10 minits wot will teh pelican do? |
P York: | Not a lot. I Montoya N Quintana iz 2 slo on teh not-climbs. |
M Smith: | Spottyjumper? |
P York: | Becoz all teh big climbs r at teh end, teh spottyjumper cud go 2 teh pwner ov teh shinyjumper also! |
| [Sur le Col de Vars] |
M Smith: | Gears! |
P York: | U never haz teh Goldilocks gear! |
M Smith: | & with that incomprehensible nonse, back 2 *** & Tiny P! Stale pasties & Diet Water FTW! |
N Boulting: | Teh break haz 6 minits! Let us speke ov T Moviestar! |
TP Kennaugh: | Y bother? M Landa sez he wants 2 podium (sic), A Valverde hazn't said a word & I Montoya N Quintana iz a Rubbish! |
N Boulting: | Whither teh spottyjumper? |
TP Kennaugh: | T Wellens probably fuXX0red. Neglect not teh climby bonerfications! |
N Boulting: | Whither teh snottyjumper? |
TP Kennaugh: | Teh EH-ESS-OH can fck wif it all they liek & Crazy P will still pwn it! |
N Boulting: | WV Aert & MVD Poel mite give him a run 4 hiz jumper in teh next yr or 2! |
CP Sagan: | Are they crazy? |
N Boulting: | Not rly, no. |
CP Sagan: | Well then. Noone will evvah match teh combination ov sprint sprint sprintEEEE & crazy ov me, Crazy P Sagan! |
N Boulting: | T Ineo$? G Thomas E Bernal? |
TP Kennaugh: | E Bernal will onli b aloud 2 assault attack iffen G Thomas iz fuXX0red! & will b up 2 G Thomas not teh DS! |
Bethany (9): | So iz all a bit quiet, no? |
N Boulting: | It iz, Bethany (9), it iz. Exploding sheep, it cud kick off @ ne minit! |
Bethany (9): | Exploding sheep? Haz u spiked hiz covfefe, Tiny P? |
N Boulting: | Exploding sheep. Mined ewe. Geddit? Ba-dum TISH! |
Bethany (9): | Can u cram orl ur crap joaks in2 teh tiem it taeks me 2 get 2 5's house, ***? |
T Wellens: | \o/ Spottypwn. I ate'nt DED! [Aside:] Yet... |
N Boulting: | Look, see! A T Moviestar bod hav overshot teh corner! |
T Moviestar: | All part ov teh plan! HEX decrees, we obey! |
HEX: | +++ERROR EN LA DIRECCIÒN: 14 TREACLE MINE ROAD, ANKH-MORPORK+++ |
M Smith: | Chute! TJ Visma! G Bennett! Also N Roche! Surprised G Thomas or R Porte not involved LOL! |
R Porte: | Fck! Off! |
G Bennett: | Cort off teh bak ov teh pelican on teh way 2 Brioude, teh criket & now teh chute! I h8 this! |
| [...] |
5's Mummy: | Air hellay, Bethany! We've just had teh delivery from Waitrose! A veritable plethora ov kumquats! |
Bethany (9): | fankumissispoulidorfanshaw! |
5's Mummy: | Syrah! Vivalda iz in her boudoir. Pls try not 2 spill kumquat juice on teh rug, it woz given 2 mai husband bi teh loveli ppl ov Astrakhan after he bought teh Caspian Sea & had teh local mafia shot! |
| [Onto teh Col d'Izoard] |
M Smith: | P York, ur predict-o-balls! |
P York: | Iffn teh break iz cort, E Buchmann, otherwise A Yates. 4 teh Tour, E Bernal! |
N Boulting: | Now that iz a surprise! |
P York: | Teh absence ov C Froome haz given hoap 2 teams who wud not normally assault attack T Ineo$! |
N Boulting: | M Smith, now ur not a totes n00b... |
M Smith: | Teh top 6 orl think they haz a chance! |
5: | That woz a Rubbish & also wrong! T Pinot will pwn teh Tour ov France becoz I, TV's V Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh, sa so! & because he's a yumsie hunksta 2! |
SD Millar: | Ur opinion iz as valid as any1's, young lade. Akshually iz MOAR valid than ***’s, becoz *** iz a nidiot. |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! |
SD Millar: | Wile u lot were being facetious I, TV's Super D Millar, haz noticed that J Bernard & GV Avermaet haz zapped off ov teh front ov teh break & now haz 2 minits! |
N Boulting: | Iz not good 4 T Wellens! Mani MOAR spottypoints on teh Lizard Izoard & teh Galabier! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! T Moviestar r on teh front ov teh pelican! E Viviani dropped bad news 4 J Alaphilippe! |
T Moviestar: | Computer sez "Ni"! |
N Boulting: | Pelican in little tiny peeces! Yoicks! |
SD Millar: | T Pinot haz run out ov minions! T Ineo$ domestiques dropping liek, liek, doomed 737s! |
N Boulting: | A Yates R Bardet I Montoya N Quintana assault attack teh break! D Martin dropped by teh pelican! |
5’s Mummy: | Oh, bother |
SD Millar: | J Bernard drops GV Avermaet! |
N Boulting: | Weather! Wet descant off ov teh Galibier? |
SD Millar: | R Bardet! Aiming 4 spottyjumper! |
D Caruso: | \o/ |
J Bernard: | Arse! |
R Bardet: | Piss! |
T Wellens: | |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Look, see! Teh shinyfroup haz let teh gap go out 2 6 minits & a Several of GC minions haz cort up D Gaudu J Castroviejo ect ect. |
N Boulting: | Iz thiz orl part ov teh T Moviestar Plan? |
SD Millar: | Fck knos! T Ineo$ on teh front ov teh shinyfroup! |
N Boulting: | Teh leaders haz been cort by T Wellens & co. That will maek life simpler. |
SD Millar: | 4 now! |
R Kreuziger: | Onoz! Mi biek! Mi gearz haz run out ov voles! |
M Burrows [written with a goose quill]: | Iffen u can do it bi pulling a piece ov string, then do it bi pulling a piece ov string! |
R Kreuziger: | Fck! Off! |
| [Onto teh Col du Galibier] |
N Boulting: | Lead froup splitting! GV Avermaet sticking teh boot in! |
SD Millar: | Shinyfroup twice teh siez it woz b4! |
N Boulting: | In spite ov teh machinations of C Prudhomme, S Kruijswijk haz 4 minions in teh shinyfroup! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Riders being dropped bi teh shinyfroup! T Ineo$ givin' it beanz! |
N Boulting: | J Castroviejo haz xploded! |
SD Millar: | But DV Baarle haz arrived in teh shinyfroup from out front! |
N Boulting: | Shinyfroup whittling down teh lead! |
T Wellens: | Onoz! Cort bi teh shinyfroup! Bai, spottyjumper! |
N Boulting: | I Montoya N Quintana assault attack! |
R Bardet: | I will not b tempted 2 chase him & blo up, becoz: a) spottyjumper, & b) I Montoya N Quintana cannot go downhill 2 saev hiz lief! |
A Lutsenko: | I will go wif Chimney-Boi 4 teh LULZ! |
SD Millar: | W Poels! Not on it @ all this Tour! DV Baarle not going fast enuff 2 hurt J Alaphilippe! |
R Bardet: | Do sum work, A Lutsenko, u wnkr! |
A Lutsenko: | No chance, m8! I am biding mi tiem! |
S Cummings: | Ur welcome 2 it! |
N Boulting: | I Montoya N Quintana ahead ov M Landa & A Valverde in teh virtual shinyjumper! |
SD Millar: | |
T Moviestar: | Plan, innit! |
N Quintana: | O hai! Mi naem iz I Montoya N Quintana! I killed ur Galibier! Now wot? |
E Bernal: | This! [Assault attacks teh shinyfroup] |
R Bardet: | Yay! Spottyjumper 4 me! |
N Boulting: | E Bernal up 2 virtual 2nd! Oh, wait! G Thomas assault attack! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe distanced a bit but shud catch up on teh descant! E Bernal J Alaphilippe & R Bardet best descenders on this, er, descent! |
V Nibbles: | Onli coz I ate'nt reached teh top yet! |
J Alaphilippe: | Going sumwhere, G Thomas? |
G Thomas: | Piss! |
ML Maire: | Yay! Forza J Alaphilippe! Do not fall off ur biek now! |
N Boulting: | Calm down! Shinyfroup back 2gether! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! It iz raining! Very raining! Mite get... SKETCHY! |
N Quintana: | \o/ & neglect not teh bonerfications! |
SD Millar: | That will lite a fire under teh other GC contenders! |
N Boulting: | I do not think he will b aloud in teh break 2moro roffle! |
R Bardet: | \o/ Spottyjumper assured! |
E Bernal: | \o/ 2nd in teh shinyrace! |
J Alaphilippe: | Liek I sed, if u want mi jumper u'll haz to come & get it! |
SD Millar: | Iffen J Alaphilippe b0rks, E Bernal mite ov pwned teh Tour ov France wif that ride! |
Omnes: | Haz anyone fathomed out T Moviestar's tictacs yet? |
SD Millar: | No. & 2 judge from wot M Landa just sed 2 M Rendall, nor do they. |
1: Actual dialogue.