the food rant thread

[ian]

I just growl menacingly as they approach the table.

[tiermat]

Start with a simple "We've not finished yet"

If that doesn't work, try "Put those plates back, please"

If that still doesn't work "Fuck you cnut, leave us alone" should get the message across.

If that still fails, releasing the herd of attack ferrets usually gets their attention.

What do you mean, you don't carry a herd of attack ferrets?

[Basil]

This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.

[madcow]

I am looking at you, chef at The Carpenters Arms in Felixkirk

Another pub that can't decide if it's a pub or a restaurant and then fails on both counts.
Avoid anywhere with Farrow and Ball colour schemes.

[ian]

And restaurants that don't take bookings. That's a particular fuckbear of mine. It's not cool to stand outside and hope you'll get a seat. Especially for a gourmet burger, which, if you remember, is just a meat sandwich. And in that strange inversion of common sense, empty pubs with 'reserved for Sophie 7pm' signs on half the tables. I don't know who Sophie is, but she can fuck off, because it's 7.30pm and I want to sit down. So we can reserve a table in a pub but not a restaurant. Welcome to progress.

I remember a while back being dragged to that Wahaca place that promises Mexican street food (that's another thing, street food – served in a restaurant). No bookings, senor, but you can wile away your time in our bar. It's 10pm, will we get served? He shrugs: maybe. So, hold on, we get to wait on the off-chance your staff might just fuck off home and leave us hungry?

[Martin109]

This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.

... and most people seem to have forgotten the signal given by their placement; I'm sure you don't place your knife and fork neatly side by side, which would be the conventional sign that you have now finished, and the situation is misread through ignorance.  Maybe the serving staff are from foreign parts, where the same cutlery etiquette does not apply...

[Mr Larrington]

Staff who try to take your plate away at inappropriate times can usually be discouraged with a fork in the back of the hand.

[hellymedic]

This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.

... and most people seem to have forgotten the signal given by their placement; I'm sure you don't place your knife and fork neatly side by side, which would be the conventional sign that you have now finished, and the situation is misread through ignorance.  Maybe the serving staff are from foreign parts, where the same cutlery etiquette does not apply...

This might well be true at the Chinese restaurant but the impatience of the vultures is inexcusable anyway.
15 seconds is not enough!

[Efrogwr]

Indeed, I was under the impression corn flakes were invented as a cure for masturbation. Can't say I find my "community trade marked shape" wheat biscuits and muesli that erotic either, but maybe I should add it to the try anything once list?

I thought that they were intended to cure depression.
 

[Basil]

This is always a problem for me, as I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.  This means that my cutlery is quite often down on the plate.
It's even worse in restaurants where you have booked a table at a reasonably early hour of the evening.  The gits will almost harass us as they think they will be able to get another cover in after us.

... and most people seem to have forgotten the signal given by their placement; I'm sure you don't place your knife and fork neatly side by side, which would be the conventional sign that you have now finished, and the situation is misread through ignorance.  Maybe the serving staff are from foreign parts, where the same cutlery etiquette does not apply...

Exactly.  If I haven't finished, my knife and fork will be at 20 past 8.  When I've finished, my signal is to place them at half past 6, 25 past 5 or 25 to 7.
This signal seems to have dropped out of the understanding of most minimum wage kids.

[Kim]

Exactly.  If I haven't finished, my knife and fork will be at 20 past 8.  When I've finished, my signal is to place them at half past 6, 25 past 5 or 25 to 7.
This signal seems to have dropped out of the understanding of most minimum wage kids.

That's because they've all got digital watches.

[Basil]

OK, so I need to get some e-cutlery. 

[Oaky]

Apropos of nothing in particular: forummers who sound like food and are therefore allowed to rant about anything they like on this thread:-

Basil
Ham
mcshroom
cheese
.
.
.
err...


(I think we have the makings of a pizza there though!)

[Mr Larrington]

Exactly.  If I haven't finished, my knife and fork will be at 20 past 8.  When I've finished, my signal is to place them at half past 6, 25 past 5 or 25 to 7.
This signal seems to have dropped out of the understanding of most minimum wage kids.

That's because they've all got digital watches.

And are so amazingly primitive they still think these are a pretty neat idea?

[Cudzoziemiec]

So you need digital cutlery. Fingers.

[Jurek]

Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

[Mr Larrington]

This might well be true at the Chinese restaurant but the impatience of the vultures is inexcusable anyway.
15 seconds is not enough!

It's much harder to stab someone with a chopstick, so perhaps we should not be so critical of the ancient Chinese for their apparent failure to invent the fork.

[tiermat]

Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up

[pcolbeck]

Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up

I think the point is instead of mild powder why not just add less of normal strength ?

[hellymedic]

Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up

I think the point is instead of mild powder why not just add less of normal strength ?

A good curry is a subtle mix of spices, of which heat is only one component.
Those who like some aromas may be more sensitive to hot chilli but still savour multiple other flavours.

I do not measure my manhood in Scoville units.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale  note totally inconsistent spelling of 'chilli' (chile chille)

[pcolbeck]

Good point hadn't thought of that.

[Pingu]

http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/may/24/premium-burger-joints-rise-britain-datablog

The Gourmet Burger Kitchen’s trademark burger since 2001 – the Kiwi burger – is made up of beef, beetroot, egg, pineapple, cheese, salad, relish and mayo.

[tiermat]

Mild chili and curry powder.
Why?

For those unfortunate enough to suffer from Geographical Tongue*, but enjoy the taste of curry and/or Chili?

*Yes it is a thing, a very painful thing, look it up

I think the point is instead of mild powder why not just add less of normal strength ?

A good curry is a subtle mix of spices, of which heat is only one component.
Those who like some aromas may be more sensitive to hot chilli but still savour multiple other flavours.

I do not measure my manhood in Scoville units.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale  note totally inconsistent spelling of 'chilli' (chile chille)

Exactly as Helly says.

[spesh]

http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2015/may/24/premium-burger-joints-rise-britain-datablog

The Gourmet Burger Kitchen’s trademark burger since 2001 – the Kiwi burger – is made up of beef, beetroot, egg, pineapple, cheese, salad, relish and mayo.

Beetroot? The bind moggles!

[ian]

Kiwis stick beetroot on or in everything. Possibly it's just for a tourists. Maybe they have giant beetroot farms on the North Island and need to get rid of the stuff.