Audax Randonneur Series Extraordinaire
Awarded in recognition of truly extraordinary "hors de series" achievements.
Extraordinary Local Brevet for Overseas Wheelers
It's important to distinguish between this and the Audax Randonneur Series Extraordinaire.
Certificate of Outstanding Distance Performed under Influence of Excessive Chemical Enhancement
Points are awarded on a cumulative scale for rides of 200km or more using at least one of the following: for each item on the UCI banned list – 1 point, for each prescription medicine – 2 points, for each Class C, B, A drug – 3, 4, 5 points respectively. Any rider qualifying for this award is entitled to walk with a certain swagger.
Certificate of Outstanding Duration in Pursuit of Intensified Sensual Stimuli
The CODPISS is awarded to encourage members to make maximum use of shared bus shelters or "audax hotels". Proof of passages is photographic and will be posted to aukdarkweb.net.
Brevet for Own Lunch, Leaving Out Cafes and Kitchen Stops
My personal favourite. A panel of judges awards points for quality, quantity and presentation of riders' packed lunches.
Barakta and I were thinking about this at 3am (as you do):
Certificate Of Outstanding Proof Of Passage - For particularly creative or determined attempts. Receipts for the purchase of items that are impractical to carry a long way on a bicycle are positively encouraged. Celebrity signatures on brevet cards are only accepted if the celebrity's presence is unconnected to the event, and the validation secretary has final say on whether they actually count as a celebrity.
Brevet For Wandering Wildlife - Awarded by default for those who go on to complete a ride after a thorough wowbadgering, dog bite, bee sting, ASBO goose attack, deer strike or similar. But also available to those who are substantially delayed by herds of cattle, having to coral a spooked horse, helping to rescue a trapped sheep, having to stare down leopards, etc.
Audax Alcohol Award - Hopefully this one's self-explanatory.
Audax Allergy Award - With bonus points awarded for performance-limiting side-effects of steroids and antihistamines. Rides featuring garden centre cafes as controls may be particularly well-suited for accumulating AAA points.
The Von Broad Award For Welding Wheelers - Points awarded for every 100km completed after bodging what would normally considered to be a catastrophic mechanical. Not to be confused with the
Alsopp Certificate For Creative Use Of Cable Ties.
Certificate Of Outstanding DNF - Awarded to riders who find the most improbable ways of rendering themselves
hors de combat. Injuries are only recognised if they are not sustained while riding a bicycle - crashes don't qualify, but hospitalising yourself with third-degree burns while attempting to qualify for the
Von Broad Award For Welding Wheelers might. Being called away to a work or family emergency is unlikely to qualify unless the emergency is itself interesting and improbable. Having to assist at a birth in a bus shelter certainly counts, unless the baby is non-human, in which case the
Brevet For Wandering Wildlife should be awarded instead.
Super Boulanger - Awarded to those who serve
CAKE (or other baked goods) at controls for separate 200km, 300km, 400km and 600km events in a single season.