The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Tour de France 2023

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 17: Saint-Gervais Mont-Blanc -> Courchevel

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & iffen you thought the Tour ov France woz loaded way beyond its plimsoll line with LOLZ0RZ, roffles & jollity, er, you're right! However, since J Vingegaard kicked everyone's donkey yesterday, the only giggles & mirth will come from me, TV's G Imlach!
Bethany (13):	Ja, Herr LOLamdant roffle!
G Imlach:	Oi!
Omnes:	Now the fair & virtuous EV Dijk haz goned hoam might we expect yet another speshul guest in the manner of she, M Kitteh & C Evans?
G Imlach:	For sure there is still a long way to go and anything can happen!
Bethany (13):	He dunt kno! They ent tole 'im! LOL!
G Imlach:	They're runnin' late… A Renard of T Cofidis has goned home!
Bethany (13):	'snot mi mum teh fukn C-O-W, iz it?
G Imlach:	Although is probably all over for the shinyjumper and definitely for the juniorshinyjumper, and J Philipsen will pwn the snottyjumper as long as he reach Paris Paree, the spottyjumper could still go anywhere. Well almost. G Ciccone iz gonna haveter ride his spottysocks off iffen he want to keep it!
G Ciccone:	It's all about Survival!
G Imlach:	Also the Gee-See is d-e-d close. A Yates only 5" seconds ahead of C Rodriguez & iffen T Pogačar needs him for bottle-fetchin' & b0rking TJ Visma…
Bethany (13):	Liekwies 4 S Kuss in P6, onli 10" seconds ahead of P Bilbao. & P Bilbao haz 40" seconds over S Yates! For sure will b soopa xcitin'!
A & S Yates [in stereo]:	yeh
G Imlach:	Today is d-e-d hard. You has teh Mappe?
Bethany (13):	Indede I duz! [Indicates Mappe] Look, see! Four (4) spottyclimbs. Some MOAR horble than teh othas. Teh Col de la Loze is teh wurst! [Indicates Mappe again] 28 km @ 6% avg, but some bits r 24% & teh finish, altho not a kittehgorizd climb, iz 18%! As u c'n c vvvv
Omnes:	Crikey! Did EC Boardman design this stage?
EC Boardman [via psychic projection]:
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! T Pogačar! C'n he fight back?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe. 4000m of climbing is a lot. This stage has MOAR'n 5000. We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, BO Connor! Wot c'n we expect!
BO Connor:	O hai! Will be a mess @ start! People tryna get in break! Fireworx! Fancy a BEER?
SD Millar:	G Ciccone will want to get in break! & the pelican will probably let 'im!
G Ciccone:	I'm gonna be Causing A Commotion!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Yates!
S Yates:	O hai! Gonna be a hard day but I's lookin' forward to it! Lot going on! Yeh!
C Prudhomme:	[Waves fleg] Scram, cyclist-shaped objects! Roffle!
N Boulting:	V Madouas & MC Nielsen assault attack! Look, see! Men sitting on a Sheds!
Omnes:	Was any of them R Gullit?
N Boulting:	Break caught. MOAR tittin' about tryna get in break!
D Friebe:	O hai, N Pooless!
N Powless:	O hai! Feel pretty good! We will see!
D Friebe:	Sometimes I h8 this job!
N Boulting:	It's about to get worse…
A Yates:	erbitofashocker yehdonetehbestwecudahregrouperyeh yknoerhardda2daerppahsoopahardweerwillerc yeh
D Friebe:	I don't mind if their Ing. is a bit poor because they's unfortunate enuff to be a FOREIGN but A Yates is a fukn Manc! [Hurls mic to floor, jumps up and down on it]
N Boulting:	While u woz tryna grok A Yates 6 (five) rid0rz haz fcked off & teh pelican has splat. Briefly! TUAE Emirates caught nappin'!
SD Millar:	Break has 19" seconds! Is N Powless, G Ciccone, M Pedersen, L Mezgec & J Gregaard!
N Boulting:	Shitverts before the Col de Saisies, wot look the same iffen u write it umop-ap!sdn…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap many assault attacks off of the pelican's mitey beek, & M Pedersen gettin' X wif N Pooless!
M Pedersen:	Do some work, u layabout!
N Powless:	Make me!
N Boulting:	Major assault attack by TSQ Step in general & T Declercq in particular! Achieved not a lot.
SD Millar:	Spottyrace! Bethany's Da… R Urán closin' stuff down!
B Dickinson:	For sure! But listen to all those cowbells! w00t!
SD Millar:	Sprint0rz gettin' dropped already! Look, see! D Groaningwagon! S Welsford!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pidcock! J Vingegaard time-trail?
T Pidcock:
D Friebe:	Today?
T Pidcock:	O hai! Would be nice to assault attack. We will see!
N Boulting:	Breakfroupfing augmented by escapees from teh pelican! M Skjelmose! R Majka! Wait…WHAT Mon Blong!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Still 5.6 km 2 clime. 18 rid0rz in breakfroupfing! P Latour chase. & T Pogačar felled off of his bike! Where u bin, Tiny P?
TP Kennaugh:	Sumwun hid mi…
SD Millar:	G Martin assault attack pelican!
N Boulting:	Noes, is F Wright!
G Mühlberger:	Iz ME, u slow children!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:
Bethany (13):	We's gettin' fed up wif u skivin' off, Tiny P!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! Blud on his knee! TJ Visma! T Ben00t apply Frying Pan of Spang!
SD Millar:	Pelican in bits! J Vingegaard & T Pogačar catch lead0rz!
TP Kennaugh:	N Pooless dropped!
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! That's one (1) to Cherish!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap G Ciccone, J Alaphilippe & K Neilands off the front! 20" seconds ahead of shinyboiz & 45" seconds away from teh pelican's sumwat less than mitey beek.
TP Kennaugh:	G Ciccone! Haz a touch ov teh R Virenque about 'im!
G Ciccone:	Without the ["Fruit" – Ed.] obv. None of that Hanky Panky for this boi!
TP Kennaugh:	They orta re-fink teh spottycomp! Not fare on 4 eg G Ciccone or S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
N Boulting:	Pelican unsplitted!
SD Millar:	TJ Visma wait for rest of TJ Visma! Usual Suspects assault attack before WV Aert catch up! MC Nielsen & V Madouas assault attack!
Omnes:	MOAR repeats!
J Alaphilippe:	\o/ Snottypwn &, moreover, RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWR!
N Boulting:	0 idea wot TJ Visma is doin'!
SD Millar:	Nor me!
	[Onto the Cormet de Roselend]
B Dickinson:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap there's cowbells galore! Yay!
M Rendell:	Shut! Up! Lead group is now seven (7) strong with 55" seconds over the shinyfroup.
Bethany (13):	& thare's some pore fkr onli jus' goin' thru teh snottysprint!
TP Kennaugh:	'ere! 2 (two) rid0rz each from TJ Visma & TUAE Emirates assault attack! Y they do that?
M Rendell:	R Majka, T Ben00t, W Kelderman &, er, someone else! T Pinot tryna get up to lead0rz!
Bethany (13):	& hes sukseded!
5:	Yay!
M Rendell:	Bethany's Da…R Urán tryin' it too!
Bethany (13):	Yay!
M Rendell:	M Soler also!
TP Kennaugh:	Tiem-trails! Pwned bi Gee-See mntn gotes theez daze, not tiem-trailers!
WV Aert:	Ahem!
Omnes:	Shut it, Sonic! U was MOAR'n 2' minutes behind!
WV Aert:	Fck! Off!
M Pingu:	They're not bingly-bongly goats. Your goats, Tiny P, & T Pinot's also — a pox on them until they get…
B Dickinson:	COWBELLS!!1!
M Pingu:	GOATbells, svp!
M Rendell:	Look, see! The Roselend dam! Is… BIG!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap T Ben00t & W Kelderman has got into lead froup. Dunno iffen R Majka did too
TP Kennaugh:	Iffen T Pogačar assault attacks J Vingegaard has alliez up teh rode!
M Rendell:	Edumafication time! PDV Hinsbergen & his pet rocks!
PDV Hinsbergen:	O hai! No hat today! Water! Glaciers! Lakes full of slimy fishies with pointy teeth…
N Boulting:	Fck! Off! Ur puttin' me off my lunch!
PDV Hinsbergen:	…SNO! SNO line rising! Climate change! Glaciers melt! Water makes rivers! Rhine! Rhône! Po!
Omnes:	Bridge!
PDV Hinsbergen:	Shut! Up! Provide water! & powwah! Glaciers retreat! Booo! Like rid0rz who dint nom enough before the last climb! They don't pwn teh race!
M Rendell:	TJ Visma still lead shinyfroup! Iz WV Aert havin' a bad day?
WV Aert:	Hang on, I checks! [FX: riffling pages] Nope! Nothing in my dictionary for "bad day"!
M Rendell:	M Soler's havin' one!
M Soler:	¡Piss!
M Rendell:	Lead froup haz MOAR'n 30 (30) rid0rz. In it. Inc. S Yates. P Bilbao?
TP Kennaugh:	Dunno! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	Look, see! P Bauhaus is gonin' home!
P Bauhaus:	Bai!
Omnes:	Sings: Daddy wouldn't buy me a Bauhaus!
5:	Mai Daddy did!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap… look, see! A fone box!
TP Kennaugh:	O RLY?
ML Maire:	YA RLY!
TP Kennaugh:	Long wa 2 walk iffen ur fone run out ov voles haha!
M Rendell:	Wonder what's really in there?
Omnes:	Tart cards!
M Rendell:	Teh WWX Lackey says a defibrillator! Could be useful l8r today roffle! Great helichopter pics!
Pingu:	Tchah! Send it to look for vautours!
M Rendell:	Race, like Gaul, in tres partes divisa est! Forty-odd rid0rz in breakfroupfing & shinyfroup. Rest off the back dans l'autobus. Tho K Neilands & S Küng falling out of back of lead froup!
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! N Pooless is History!
Bethany (13):	Gap now 1.5' minits! Iz mi Da…R Urán still in wif teh lead0rz?
M Rendell:	Err…
	[…]
M Rendell:	…yes. Yes, he is! As is T Pinot!
5 & Bethany (13) [in stereo]:	Yay! w00t! Dancin'!
M Rendell:	M Soler ent, thobut!
Bethany (13):	Poo 2 sili ol' M Soler!
K Neilands:	Onoz! Nommed by teh pelican like a slimy fishie!
N Boulting:	Shut! Up! Garçon! Another Armagnac!
TP Kennaugh:	M Soler has cort bak up! S Küng also!
M Rendell:	30 (thirty) km descant before the Côte de Longefoy. Pelican slower'n breakfroupfing! Spottypoint! Hard sums!
WWX Lackey:	If G Ciccone pwns the nex' climb & J Vingegaard doan cop any spottypoints G Ciccone will have a 31 spottypoint lead.
M Rendell:	Thx, WWX Lackey! Double spottypoints on the horse kitteh Col de la Loze thobut, so G Ciccone need to stay in touch all the way!
Bethany (13):	TJ Visma still maek paec on front ov shinyboiz! Onoz! *** is back!
N Boulting:	O hai! Wot did I miss?
Bethany (13):	M Soler fitin' wif M Soler!
N Boulting:	Ent you had ur lunch yet, Bethany (13)?
Bethany (13):	I brung a pique-nique! Doan wanna miss ne ov this!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 1. the gap is now MOAR'n 2.5' minutes & c: Tiny P has goned back to his baskit for a nap!
SD Millar:	Am I on? Fckles! [FX: cork forced back into bottle] T Pogačar!
N Boulting:	Côte de Longefoy! Only 6.6 km long but steeper'n Roselend.
SD Millar:	Horble stage! Climbiest in ten (10) years! Tho the Giro ov Italy still likes 'em!
N Boulting:	Le Roi C Prudhomme I like to shake Stuffs up! Look, see! M Mohoric & K Neilands dropped by shinyfroup
SD Millar:	Not so surprisin'. K Neilands has been v. active & doned that big chute.
N Boulting:	Troo, dat! Look, see! C Laporte haz doned his bit & is being shat out of teh pelican's fethery arse!
SD Millar:	0 diff. between TUAE Emirates & TJ Visma except J Vingegaard! I, TV's Super D Millar, decree that it won't kick off until the second half of the Loze!
N Boulting:	Look, see! D Devenyns (94)! He's retirin' at the end of this year!
D Devenyns:	I h8 this! & I's stoppin' soon! Yay!
N Boulting:	Wurrrrld Champs in a couple of weeks! F Wright!
SD Millar:	F Wright yes but also MVD Poel, WV Aert & R Evenepoel! R Evenepoel ent done teh Tour ov France so will be less tired!
N Boulting:	Also, F Wright has just been dropped…
F Wright:	Bah!
N Boulting:	TJ Visma & TUAE Emirates still has all their rid0rz in the pelican and/or the breakfroupfing, except C Laporte!
SD Millar:	NV Hooydonck!
N Boulting:	S Kuss! Both hit the deck hard the other day
	[Back up the pointy end]
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! I Don't Search, I Find! Also, I hope T Pogačar's got his climbin' trousis on today, coz J Vingegaard c'n still turn me Inside Out.
ML Maire:	I wish I'd never started the Madonna thing
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap S Küng dropped by lead froup, also H Houle & S Guglielmi. Gap 3' minutes. T Ineo$ on the front of the pelican
SD Millar:	indeed.
N Boulting:	C Rodriguez must be feelin' good. Look, see! M Soler bein' dropped on teh descant! Again!
SD Millar:	M Soler savin' too much nrg!
N Boulting:	M Trentin to front of pelican!
WV Aert:	Oh! No! U! Don't!
N Boulting:	Chute! E Bernal! Biffed his nut but no dokta.
E Bernal:	Owwwwww! Fck!
N Boulting:	'e dunt look happy!
E Bernal:	That's coz I ent
SD Millar:	TJ Visma has given the break enuff fun & now they's on it proper-like!
N Boulting:	Teh stage finish today will be ICONIC!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 has happened, except that E Bernal is miles behind the shinybois, M Soler is still fighting with M Soler & S Küng has undropped himself! G Ciccone!
SD Millar:	G Ciccone quiet in 1st week!
G Ciccone:	Let N Pooless tire hisself out. Now I'm Levitating!
N Boulting:	P Bilbao! S Yates!
SD Millar:	While M Soler tit about R Majka lay low & say nothing!
R Majka:
Omnes:	Double bridgey goodness!
C Lion:	w00t!
N Boulting:	TB Hansgrohe? WTF they do? J Hindley way down on C Rodriguez & A Yates!
A Yates:	yeh
N Boulting:	P Bilbao ahead of J Hindley in teh virtual Gee-See! S Yates in break also. So that's y TB Hansgrohe do wot they's doin'…
	[On the Col de la Loze]
N Boulting:	Wha-hey! Gap 2' and a half! M Soler? Dropped? Tittin' about? G Ciccone dropped!
G Ciccone:	Nobody's Perfect…
SD Millar:	P Bilbao! S Yates! & their teams, obv.
Bethany (13):	J Alaphilippe dropped by lead0rz 2.
N Boulting:	We'll use up r shitvert quota b4 shit really gets, er, real…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap various rid0rz haz bin dropped & teh gap is still reducing, but slowly. Look, see! M Soler caught by the shinyboiz!
M Soler:	¡Arse!
Bethany (13):	Blimey! G Ciccone hav past strate thru teh pelican's fish-scoffin' bod wifout touchin' teh sieds!
SD Millar:	M Soler slot into shinyfro… oh! Look, see! WV Aert has exploded!
N Boulting:	Look, see! MC Nielsen & Bethany's Da…R Urán just spectidiots as the shinyboiz pass by!
R Urán & MC Nielsen [in stereo]:	U gotta LOL thobut!
N Boulting:	Last shitvert break! Promiss!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap O Fraile & J Castroviejo ride thare sox off for C Rodriguez! We sent…
SD Millar:	Wowsa…soopa fast descant…3 km…400 m…aaaagh…puff…pant…18%…gasp…[Dies]
N Boulting:	U enjoy that, Super D?
SD Millar:	No. Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	J Haig & BO Connor still make pace @ front!
SD Millar:	Flat bit soon, then a ickle downhill bit. Then gets proper horble!
N Boulting:	Méribel! T Pogačar said that woz where he might assault attack! Though he might of bin lying…
SD Millar:	Or not. Look, see! S Kuss! Lurking!
S Kuss:	[Lurks]
SD Millar:	TJ Visma's tictacs confuse everyone!
Radio TAG2R Citröen:	Crrrch…bzzzzt…grrrrp only in .fr.
N Boulting:	J Castroviejo runnin' out of voles!
J Castroviejo:	I h8 this! C'n I stop now?
SD Millar:	Gap still comin' down! Not much over 2' minutes!
N Boulting:	Will TJ Visma assault attack TUAE Emirates? Or will TUAE Emirates assault attack TJ Visma?
J Haig:	Wha'evs happens they c'n do it without me! [Dies]
P Bilbao:	Ta, J Haig! I buys u a BEER tonite!
SD Millar:	M Sol…
N Boulting:	DV Baarle exploded & he ent been on the front yet!
SD Millar:	F Großschartner also!
N Boulting:	R Majka, W Kelderman & T Ben00t still in lead froup thobut! TG FDJ not doned any work in lead froup!
SD Millar:	M Soler! Now he's on J Castroviejo's tail!
BO Connor:	[Dies]
Fanboi:	Wanna bit of pizza?
BO Connor:	BEER! Give BEER!
J Castroviejo:	[Dies]
T Pogačar:	[Dies]
N Boulting:	Wait…WHAT
T Pogačar:	Piss!
N Boulting:	C Harper make pace @ front for S Yates!
SD Millar:	A Yates c'n go for it!
A Yates:	yeh
N Boulting:	P Bilbao dropped by lead0rz!
SD Millar:	R Majka c'n go fo… F Gall assault attack lead froup!
N Boulting:	P Bilbao, D Gaudu & W Kelderman deffo dropped! Only C Harper, S Yates & R Majka left to chase!
T Ben00t:	O hai! Where you lot been?
Bethany (13):	Look, see! W Kelderman droppin' back 2! T Pogačar MOAR'n a minit down!
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Ben00t! Oh. J Vingegaard!
J Vingegaard:	Who's teh Daddy? Me, that's who!
SD Millar:	F Gall has 4 km of climb & 20" seconds lead!
Omnes:	Get in, F Gall!
N Boulting:	C Harper exploded! Just S Yates & R Majka now! Back down teh road A Yates on his tod!
A Yates:	yeh
SD Millar:	Gap from J Vingegaard to F Gall comin' down but not v. fast!
W Kelderman:	O hai, Boss! Need a hand?
J Vingegaard:	Yeah, OK. Jus' for a bit!
Radio TUAE Emirates:	A Yates! Fite 4 podium!
T Pogačar:	I's d-e-d! Go A Yates!
A Yates:	yeh
R Majka:	I, also, is d-e-d! Bai, S Yates!
Omnes:	C'mon, F Gall! U c'n do this!
N Boulting:	WTF! Fukn moto stalled! Block W Kelderman & J Vingegaard!
J Vingegaard:	FFS!
F Gall:	I didn't orter roffle, but I's gonna! [Roffles]
N Boulting:	J Vingegaard still 2' minutes back! Too late?
J Vingegaard:	Bai, W Kelderman!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard c'n still done this on the climb to the finish!
N Boulting:	F Gall still keep gap around 20" seconds!
F Gall:	\o/ Spottypwn!
Omnes:	Yay!
G Ciccone:	Ta, F Gall! I have One More Chance!
N Boulting:	S Yates over the summit! 23" seconds!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard still pushin'! 1'26"!
N Boulting:	Whither R Majk… oh! There! Back with A Yates!
F Gall:	Descant! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
S Yates:	Descant! yeh
N Boulting:	A Yates & R Majka over the top. Whither C Rodriguez?
F Gall:	Over that ickle lump! Yay! Go me!
N Boulting:	1 km 22"!
Omnes:	Get in, F Gall!
SD Millar:	Last 400 m look flat but are horble climb!
F Gall:	\o/ Fck me, that was aardvark!
S Yates:	Arse! Whither P Bilbao?
P Bilbao:	¡P3! ¿Bonerfications?
N Boulting:	Not enough to make a difference, I rekn!
P Bilbao:	¡Piss!
G Imlach:	T Pogačar so far back we c'n haz shitverts before 'e finish!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Soler & T Pogačar! Seven & 1/2 minits down on F Gall! A Yates unable to find words!
Bethany (13):	Tho when A Yates duz find 'em u c'n't unnerstan' 'em!
A Yates:	yeh
	[…]
F Gall:	Incredible! Doan kno what to say! Incredible year! Incredible! Thx to team! Stressy race! Scairt S Yates wud catch me! Incredible!
Omnes:	& not a single "soopa" throughout! Incredible!
G Imlach:	Gee-see! A Yates secure in P3! S Yates 5th! P Bilbao 6, J Hindley 7, F Gall up to P8! S Kuss 9th & D Gaudu 10th.
Bethany (13):	Wait… ware's teh spesh guest? Thass Super D u got thare!
G Imlach:	Errr…
TP Kennaugh:	F Gall! Boy doned good!
SD Millar:	BO Connor also!
G Imlach:	T Pogačar!
SD Millar:	Sad to hear on radio!
TP Kennaugh:	'e's a good boy! Think of A Yates!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Yates!
S Yates:	O hai! Never know how fast J Vingegaard comin'! C Harper doned great job! Altitude! Pretty happy! Chapeau to F Gall! Don't give a fck about Gee-See! yeh
SD Millar:	TJ Visma! Plan work to perfection, like I said along!
Bethany (13):	Min' u, if T Pogačar wasn't such a nutta it wud ov bin d-e-d borin'! Ta, T Pogačar, u loon!
T Pogačar :	Awwwwwww!

[Mr Larrington]

Noes! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard are having a Bad Day :'(

[Mr Larrington]

Noes²! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard have both abandoned!

[Beardy]

Shitvert: This is Barney. He’s ded. Give us money so we can find more ded horses.

[Mr Larrington]

This Unit has caught up with the recording so turned the sound down and wandered in here

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 18: Moutiers -> Bourg-en-Bresse

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & what better antidote to teh phun, phrivolity & phabnness of the last two (2) days on teh Tour ov France than MOAR of teh same with me, TV's ultimate LOL-fountain G Imlach!
Bethany (13):	U lied! U lied, G Imlach! U sed thare wud b a nü spesh guest & thare werent! U horble lier!
G Imlach:	Ooooh, tetchy! & it ent like u been 100% truthiness since u first popped up on my show!
Bethany (13):	Thass diffrunt! That woz about survival!
G Imlach:	U told *** you'd joined teh French FOREIGN Legion!
Bethany (13):	Yeah, OK, I mite ov doned that, but teh sili fckr bleevd it roffle!
G Imlach:	Actually, that was quite funneh, though not in my league obv. Also, is it u wot keeps hiding chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh's Stuffs?
Bethany (13):	[Wide-eyed & innosent] As if
G Imlach:	Better not be, or teh Producers will fire your, er, you!
Bethany's Mum:	U bin ogglin' my dorta's bum 2, u perve?
G Imlach:	She's facin' me! U got the Mappe, Bethany (13)?
Bethany (13):	Indede I haz! [Indicates Mappe] Look, see! 2da teh parcours goes from here [indicates Mappe again] to thare [indicates Mappe a 3rd time]! Bourg-en-Bresse wot, as any fule kno, iz wurrrld-famous 4 its chickinz1!
G Imlach:	O RLY?
Bethany (13):	YA RLY! The poulet de Bresse or volaille de Bresse is a French chicken product which has appellation d'origine contrôlée status, and which was registered as a Protected Designation of Origin under EU and UK law as Volaille de Bresse / Poulet de Bresse / Poularde de Bresse / Chapon de Bresse. It may be produced only from white chickens of the Bresse Gauloise breed raised within a legally-defined area of the historic region and former province of Bresse, in eastern France! So nyurr!
Omnes:	The fukn pies are fukn old/teh fukn chips are fukn cold/teh fukn beer is fukn flat/teh fukn flats have fukn rats/teh fukn clocks are fukn wrong/teh fukn days are fukn long/It fukn gets you fukn down/Evidently Chickentown!
Bethany (13):	WTF r u lot wibblin' about
Omnes:	Is Culture! U don't get John Cooper Clarke on DingoVision!
EO Aquitaine:	Ooooh, I like 'im! Beasley Street is fukn ace!
G Imlach:	Kung Fu International always make me roffle!
Bethany (13):	Shut! Up! Onli a cuple ov kitteh 4 climes 2da so G Ciccone's spottyjumper iz saef, az he haz a six (6) point lede over F Gall!
G Ciccone:	Yay! I can have a Holiday!
B Dickinson:	Did u know: Madonna was credited with playing cowbell2 on her 1983 eponymous debut album!
Bethany (13):	Soz, ML Maire! I orter ov kep' mi gob shut! Staeg iz moastli harmless & probli low in cowbellz so orter go 2 a sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE finish & thare4 b pwned bi J Philipsen but this iz teh Tour ov France & ne-thing c'n ha…chiz curses wot am i sain'?
G Imlach:	T Pogačar sez he will keep tryin'!
Bethany (13):	4 sure, but 'e ent gonna pwn teh raec unless 1. J Vingegaard maek a uncontrolled flite in2 terrane or c) France iz invaded bi Spaec Nazis. Bofe of them outcomes iz priti unliekli, xept 2 Tiny P Kennaugh, obv.
G Imlach:	Where's he got to today?
Bethany (13):	Dunno! Dint c 'im @ brekfuss. Probli went lookin' 4 a copy ov teh D**li M**l & got lost!
G Imlach:	Well, we c'n't wait for 'im! To teh colemantary Sheds for this arvo's snoozefest!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! WV Aert has goned home! A Perez has also goned home! T Pogačar dint sho up at the tip of teh pelican's mitey beek so we thought for a bit that he might of goned home too, but 'e was jus' hidin' in the pelican's fethery tum. We has a break, wot is V Campanile, J Abrahamsen & K Asgreen. They has a (1) minute on the pelican. Now you know as much as we does!
SD Millar:	We thought TA Deceuninck would send MVD Poel up the road. But they dint. Also, wind!
Bethany (13):	Noes!
N Boulting:	Côte de Chambéry-le-Haut! Kitteh 4. S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard in trub alredi!
SD Millar:	S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard only just made it in time yesterday!
Omnes:	Noes! Get in, S Geschke & ur hipsta beard!
J Abrahamsen:	\o/ Spottypwn!
G Ciccone:	Take A Bow roffle!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 has happened. J Philipsen! Might pwn seven (7) stages this year. Even M Cavendish dint manage that. Wind!
Bethany (13):	With ur wind off u must fck, ***! We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, J Philipsen! Who help TA Deceuninck today?
J Philipsen:	O hai! TJ Alula. And. No, just them. For sure feel sorry for T Pogačar. 'e's not a robot!
N Boulting:	He sounded cheerful. Not.
SD Millar:	Don't blame 'im. Horble day yesterday.
N Boulting:	Listen, hear! chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh has deigned to show up!
TP Kennaugh:	I went 2 teh paper shop & got lost!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Lac de Bourget! Wouldn't mind diving in there to cool off!
Omnes:	Wait…WHAT
Bethany (13):	Even tho iz full of slimy fishies wif big pointy teefs & srs apetites?
N Boulting:	I, er, um, we sent…
D Friebe:	O hai, B Girmay! Spectidiots?
B Girmay:	O hai! Was spesh! Like! Really nice. Motivatin'! Paris Paree!
N Boulting:	Look, see! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard still off the back!
SD Millar:	S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard said 'e ent ill, jus' had a bad day yesterday!
TP Kennaugh:	Saem 4 P Bauhaus, accordin' 2 mi bruv! 'e's from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	Savoie! Counts, Dukes, ect!
EO Aquitaine:	Arrivistes! All they got to show for it is a fukn cabbage! LOL!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect: 0. Look, see! They're inna tunnel! We ect!
D Friebe:	O hai, C Laporte! U sprint today!
C Laporte:	O hai! Spr…tr…[inaudible over traffic noise] T Pogačar blowup unexpected. We will see!
TP Kennaugh:	C Laporte v. relaxed but will not pwn J Philipsen!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard has such a big lead he c'n stop for a coffee on the run-in to the finish thobut! TJ Visma doan need to protect 'im!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Gianetti team principal of TUAE Emirates! How T Pogačar feel today?
M Gianetti:	O hai! Very hard for T Pogačar yesterday! But OK today. Team amazing! Concentrate on podium! For sure injury earlier in season not help! Not in right place yesterday!
D Friebe:	T Pogačar concentrate on Tour ov France?
M Gianetti:	When T Pogačar pwn races early in season people say: Yay! T Pogačar is teh Aces! Now they say: Noes! T Pogačar should concentrate only on Tour ov France! We likes T Pogačar the way he is!
D Friebe:	& A Yates?
M Gianetti:	For sure A Yates is going good! Big satisfaction! Jus' wish I could unnerstan' 'im!
SD Millar:	And why not!
Omnes:	Bridge!
TP Kennaugh:	U put me off! 4got wot I woz gonna sa! Roters…
Omnes:	Better angle!
TP Kennaugh:	Shut! Up! T Pogačar still 2nd! That ent bad!
T Pogačar:	Is!
	[…]
M Rendell:	O hai! I has de-lurked!
TP Kennaugh:	Wish I new how 2 done that!
Bethany (13):	I wish u…
5’s Mummy:	Bethany!
Bethany (13):	sozsyrah
Omnes:	Much bridgey æxcellence today!
C Lion:	Keep 'em coming!
M Rendell:	Racin' sneks! J Abrahamsen said 'e tried to be one but couldn't! Got 20 kg heavier & c'n now get in breaks & pwn stages & be MOAR useful!
TP Kennaugh:	Young rid0rz often maek this mistaek! Not evri-1 c'n b a racin' snek! Considered harmful!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Break is on the Côte de Boissieu! Some 0-hopers assault attack the pelican. & fail.
TP Kennaugh:	A Turgis! Or M Burgaudeaudeaudeau! Diff. 2 tell 'em apart!
A Turgis & M Burgaudeau [in stereo]:	We grew the facial hairs so people would think we was J Alaphilippe!
Omnes:	Roffle!
J Abrahamsen:	\o/ Spottypwn!
M Rendell:	J Philipsen! G Ciccone! F Wright! Q Pacher! Didn't amount to ne-thing.
TP Kennaugh:	TL Dstny kepe tryna Do Stuffs!
M Rendell:	J Philipsen not happy with P Eenkhoorn! He gone on the grass to done an assault attack!
J Philipsen:	Pack it in, u tit!
P Eenkhoorn:	Fck! Off! U ride ur race & I'll ride mine!
Omnes:	LET THEM FIGHT!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap the break has 30" seconds & S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard have both goned home!
TP Kennaugh:	EZ days r sumtiems harder! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	V Campanile! From Hoboken! F Sinatra! Also from Hoboken! But Hoboken.be not related to Hoboken.nj! No indeedy! Latter a Native American name!
Omnes:
D Friebe:	O hai, J Hindley!
J Hindley:	O hai! Soopa hard! Hot! Super cool! Back still hurts from chute! Fancy a BEER?
Omnes:	J Hindley doned a chute
M Rendell:	He was in the big chute on Stage 14.
Omnes:
M Rendell:	While u was listening to J Hindley P Eenkhoorn escaped from the pelican's mitey beek; V Campanile drop out of break to wait for 'im!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap P Eenkhoorn is in the break, wot now has 40" seconds. TL Dstny!
SD Millar:	Windin' up for the snottysprint! J Philipsen playin' the Big I Am again!
J Abrahamsen:	\o/ Snottypwn!
N Boulting:	J Philipsen P5 then B Coquard!
B Coquard:	Puts me ahead of M Pedersen! Iffen the Space Nazis get J Philipsen the snottyjumper shall be MINE!
N Boulting:	We sent, no, Super D Millar & his biek to recce the finish!
SD Millar:	Bit downhill…soopa fast…long corner…up…ooof…puff…gasp! [Dies]
Bethany (13):	Booo! Rubbish! Bring back EC Boardman!
EC Boardman [via Linda Blair with her head on backwards]:
N Boulting:	Gap over 1' minute! Team cars brought up to lead0rz!
SD Millar:	Not yet nailed on sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! Domestiques gettin' tired!
N Boulting:	D Martinez! Carryin' bidets bidons!
D Martinez:	Good trick, that, seein' as how I dint start stage 15!
N Boulting:	Ruins! Castle!
Omnes:	No birbs?
N Boulting:	Fck! Off!
SD Millar:	Wind!
N Boulting:	TA Deceuninck! TDSM Firmenich! TJ Alula!
Omnes:	We bet the Cardinal Richelieu impersonator down there is gonna b angry when he finds out he was only inna helichopter shot!
SD Millar:	Chasing sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE teams losin' rid0rz!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect gap still 1' minute! Wowsa!
SD Millar:	J Philipsen shoutin' at P Eenkhoorn might of been counterproductive! Motivate P Eenkhoorn!
Bethany (13):	Might he get a slapped rist 4 ridin' on teh grass, liek Q Simian did las' yere?
N Boulting:	GPWM! T Walloper on the front of the pelican!
T Gallopin:	Le sigh!
N Boulting:	V Campanile!
SD Millar:	V Campanile!
Bethany (13):	'e's afta teh Soopa-Combativité innit!
V Campanaerts:	Bah! Rumbled by the leetle gril!
Bethany (13):	Less of the "little", Mr Cad-Mustash!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Philipsen on the radio! But 0 idea what they said!
M Gögl:	Nor me! Xlation, plz!
N Boulting:	45" seconds!
SD Millar:	Sprint teams gettin' worried! Chase ent working!
N Boulting:	Got goin' in earnest when P Eenkhoorn rocked up!
SD Millar:	Pelican is still losin' time! Or is it? OR IS IT?!? Iffen the break is still in front with 5 (five) km to go… Why other teams not just leave to TA Deceuninck?
N Boulting:	Look, see! They are! Or are they? OR ARE THEY?!?!?
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	Small climb comin'! Might we see…
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe! Tittin' about in support of K Asgreen!
J Alaphilippe:	Roffle!
Bethany (13):	One (1) chute in teh pelican & Tcheeeeek! Not that I wud wish 4 such a thing, natch!
SD Millar:	TJ Alula & TB Hansgrohe lead pelican, just like I said they orter!
N Boulting:	Break nearing top of climb! Gap down under 30" seconds!
SD Millar:	Chas0rz burnin' their rid0rz!
N Boulting:	Gap up & down & up …
Bethany (13):	Liek teh skool bie…
5's Mummy:	Bethany!
Bethany (13):	sozsyrah
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe tit about some MOAR!
SD Millar:	Txtbook Stuffs! Though iffen it weren't J Alaphilippe they'd get a ear-bashin'!
J Alaphilippe:	LOL!
N Boulting:	TL Trek only team still trying! M Skjelmose!
J Alaphilippe:	LOL encore! [Tits about]
SD Millar:	TJ Alula havin' another go! TIC Wanky movin' up!
TIC Wanty:	WANTY! Wnkr!
N Boulting:	Gap below 20" seconds, unless the clock's gone bugarup again!
SD Millar:	Mitey turn by N Politt! 5 km 14" seconds!
N Boulting:	Looks like Game Over for break chiz!
Bethany (13):	Bah!
N Boulting:	3 km 8" seconds!
SD Millar:	Chaos comin'!
N Boulting:	TB Notorious! WTF? P Bauhaus has goned home!
SD Millar:	TA Deceuninck!
N Boulting:	V Campanile! Mitey push! K Asgreen!
K Asgreen:	\o/ Yes! Fukn yaaaa!
P Eenkhoorn:	Piss! [Thumps bike]
P Eenkhoorn's Bike:	Oi! Weren't my fault!
SD Millar:	Top tittin' about by J Alaphilippe!
T Declercq:	Ur a legend, K Asgreen! Faaarkin' 'ell!
G Imlach:	Most assuredly rofflesome, I do declare!
TP Kennaugh:	Mega by V Campanile! 'e's a nutta!
V Campanaerts:
TP Kennaugh:	P Eenkhoorn assault attack was a bit norti but is teh Tour ov France!
J Philipsen:	Manager please
K Asgreen:	Not ideal break. Too small. But sometimes it works! Team time-trial to finish! All four of us deserve pwnage but really happy! Dedicate to D Devenyns (94)!
G Imlach:	No impact whatsoever on any of the standings! Enter r competition!
Bethany (13):	Considrin' we wuz s'posed 2 be bored utterly to DETH this arvo, that wuz priti gud! MOAR 2moz plz!
1:	All chicken fakts are korekt.
2:	All cowbell fakts are also korekt.

[Beardy]

Pah! The snoozle caught up with me just before the last little climb and I missed the ending.   

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 19: Moirans-En-Montagne -> Poligny

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! I do luv it when a break comes together and stays away from an enraged pelican! MOAR roffles even than one of my intros, which are usually at least LPF 30! LPF = LOL Production Factor, in case you were wondering!
Bethany (13):	Ware's Tiny P? Hes az relible az mi hipi nana when shes bin on teh funneh sigarets!
Bethany's Hippie Nana:	Hahahahahahahahaha! I've gotta orgone accumulator!
Bethany (13):	Tho Tiny P duz tork MOAR sense. Well, ushuli!
G Imlach:	Today we has 2 provide your RDI of mirth & roffles 173 km. Bethany (13) has let me do the Mappe today!
Bethany (13):	I's all hart, me!
G Imlach:	Look, see! [Indicates Mappe] Kitteh 4 climb @ this end, kitteh 3 climb @ that, snottysprint smack in the middle. Lumpy until the last thirty (30) km. Might we see another pwnage by the break or will Angry J Philipsen pwn this one?
Bethany (13):	LOL @ Jasper Disaster! & @ teh Roodhooft bruvs, wot look liek seedi pr0nograf0rz 2 this gril!
G Imlach:	Careful, Bethany (13), or the legal team will be down on us like EC Boardman checking a sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE finish!
EC Boardman [via a letter written in legalese]:
Bethany (13):	Iz troo tho! I c'n jus pikcha 'em, sayin'…
G Imlach:	So let's go to the colemantary Sheds & our very own pair of disreputable chancers, Super D & ***!
Bethany (13):	Spoilsport!
	[…]
N Boulting:	What did he… er, yes! The stage! Lively! Nine (9) rid0rz haz a minute over the pelican! M Pedersen J Haig W Barguil…
Bethany (13):	[Dancing liable to lead to arrest]
N Boulting:	…M Trentin J Alaphilippe G Zimmermann T Ben00t N Politt & — surprise surprise — V Campanile!
V Campanaerts:	LOL!
N Boulting:	Where's he get the nrg? TEFE Post, TIP Tech & TU X lead pelican coz they failed to get ne-1 in the break, the lusers!
SD Millar:	Also the pelican, unlike for e.g. Gaul, is splat into 2 (two) bits. The second of which (grammer) is 2.5' minutes behind the 1st. All the jumper-bearers is in the front 1 (one). Break is crammed wif stage pwners, & V Campanile!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Philipsen & P Eenkhoorn haz kissed & made up! The back of the pelican is 38 "strong" haha & is mostly poids lourds, rabits, no-hopers & P Latour. We sent noted curlifckr D Friebe & his selfi-stik…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, MVD Poel! Yesterday! Ur view?
MVD Poel:	O hai! J Philipsen a bit of a tit! Missed opportunity for us! Bah!
N Boulting:	M Pedersen doned the damage! Even put A Yates in danger!
A Yates:	yeh
N Boulting:	A Lutsenko went wif M Pedersen & pwned the 1st spottyclimb.
SD Millar:	Typical Yates bruvs. They tit about. Always danger of being caught out by sneeki assault attack!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Bethany's Da…R Urán lead the pelican!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Küng! How u feel? Hard race? Mucho climbing…
S Küng:	O hai! For sure hard because 1. the parcours & c: TJ Visma & TUAE Emirates kickin' each other! Mental mindset! If the head wants the legses must follow ha ha!
Omnes:	Very E Cantona!
D Friebe:	Motos help break yesterday?
S Küng:	For sure. A bit. But props to V Campanile! 'e's a good boy!
SD Millar:	Meh! Motos make v. little differe…
Omnes:	Lakes, ***! Four (4) of 'em! Full of fishies! Slimy! Teefs!
N Boult:	Shut! Up! Cue PDV Hinsbergen until the lakes, fishies & slime are behind us!
PDV Hinsbergen:	O hai! Look, see! Return of my #1 hat! Jura mntns! Give name to Jurassic Park! Dinosaurs! Fossils! Ammonites! Like squids! [Mimes squid] Like this! Lots of 'em, everywhere! Common as Bethany's Mum!
Bethany's Mum:	Fck! Off!
PDV Hinsbergen:	Right here! Right on the course! Troo Jurassic Park! [Points] Footprint! Shoe size fifty (50)! Brontosauruses!
A Elk (Miss):	All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much, much thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end!
PDV Hinsbergen:	Shut! Up! They went [points again] THATAWAY!!!1! On the course!
N Boulting:	Bike change for N Politt! But not because of a brontosaurus on the road, obv.
N Politt:	No! Not that bike! Or that one either! FFS!
N Boulting:	Rubbish by neutral service! No suitable bike! Snapped his chain!
Omnes:	Snek! Snek!
N Politt:	Fck! Off!
SD Millar:	If it had been TP Fairy he could of kept goin' but you c'n't do nuffink without a chain!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap N Politt is back in the fethery bod of the pelican & J Vingegaard has been shouting @ clouds motos!
J Vingegaard:	Git! Orf! Moi! Laaaaand!
Bethany (13):	Back froup MOAR'n 6' minutes down now! Thare not gonna catch up from thare!
N Boulting:	Gap to break is coming down!
SD Millar:	's workin'! Tho the pelican is all stretched out…
Bethany (13):	…like a brontosaurus?
N Boulting:	Shut! Up! Where's chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh got to, teh slacker?
Bethany (13):	Dunno! Ent seed teh ickl oik sinse last nite!
M Pedersen:	\o/ Snottypwn! Take that, B Coquard, LOL!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Le Roi C Prudhomme I has put his car in front of break!
SD Millar:	Assault attack after snottysprint! J Philipsen MVD Poel & 1 (one) or two (2) others!
TJ Visma:	Oh! No! You! Don't!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Philipsen et cie still make chase! 10" seconds only! Pelican 1' minute! Poids lourds 8' minutes!
Radio TAG2R Citroën:	You screwed up, Bobby Terry youse guys, only in .fr!
Bethany (13):	We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, Crazy P Sagan! Last chance to pwn stage?
CP Sagan:	O hai! Maybe also Paris Paree haha! We will see! F Frison? Crazy™!
D Friebe:	O hai, F Frison, professional Crazy P Sagan impersonator!
F Frison:	O hai! [Adopts CP Sagan voice] Aaah, is my last Tour ov France will try to do my best happy to be here an' aaah come back as CP Sagan!
D Friebe:	[Snaps selfie stick in half, stomps off]
Omnes:	You forgot the Crazy™, F Frison! Try harder!
M Rendell:	Look, see! Although J Philipsen & co has caught the break V Campanile assault attack again!
Omnes:	Birb! Birb! Quick, ***!
Omnes:	Oh. Iz a light æroplane roffle!
Bethany (13):	Iffen V Campanile dunt pwn teh Supercombativité this yere thares gona b pagga!
M Rendell:	S Clarke with V Campanile! Pwned a stage last year! Only 7", mind!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap S Clarke & V Campanile has 22" seconds, snottyfroup 2' minutes back & rabits nearly 9' minutes!
Bethany:	Snottyfroup v. strong &…
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pidcock! The WWX Lackey found some gaffer tape!
T Pidcock:	O hai! Feelin' OK! Will try to get in break! Give it some beanz! Maybe pwn stage? We will see!
Bethany (13):	Az long az they ent Dokta Ferrari's Astana Beanz™, T Pidcock!
D Friebe:	O hai, F Wright! Break?
F Wright:	O hai! So many ppl want to be in break there might not be one (1)! But I rekn there will. We will c!
Bethany (13):	Tho iffen J Philipsen iz still wif teh lead0rz @ teh end, no-1 else haz a chaenc!
M Rendell:	The snottyfroup is strong enow that they ent gonna get caught!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap V Campanile & S Clarke has 48" seconds!
SD Millar:	V Campanile has had the odd day off while teh Gee-See fight was on!
Bethany (13):	TU X! Four (4) rid0rz in brake & that spottyclimb in 10 km!
N Boulting:	S Clarke! Didn't orter forget him!
SD Millar:	TU X are burning matches!
Bethany (13):	Troo, dat! Still, iz a phun staeg!
N Boulting:	Many potential pwners in the snottyfroup! [Names 53.4% of froup]
Bethany (13):	M Mohoric FTW! 'e's a sneeki fckr!
N Boulting:	Ptui! I predict it will be unpredictable!
	[…]
N Boulting:	3 (three) km to Côte d'Ivory, S Clarke & V Campanile only has 25" sec…
S Clarke:	[Cramps up] Aaaargh, bugarup!
N Boulting:	Two (2) of the TU X rid0rz have exploded & the spottyclimb ent even started yet!
SD Millar:	K Asgreen assault attack!
N Boulting:	A Charmig donin' a bigly hyoooge turn!
A Charmig:	I h8 this! C'n I stop now?
Bethany (13):	V Campanile cort by K Agreen also M Mohoric & BO Connor! Liek I sed!
V Campanaerts:	Piss! [Explodes]
Bethany (13):	Niec tri, u nutta!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Sprint0rz struggl… M Pedersen! K Neilands!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel! Is he ridin' for himself or J Philipsen?
T Pidcock:	What's the descant like roffle?
SD Millar:	M Pedersen! What's 'e on?
M Mohoric:	\o/ Spottypwn!
N Boulting:	Sprint0rz strugglin' again! Utter chaos! Snottyfroup has splat! Shitverts while we try to work out WTF is goin' on!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect chute! C Strong on descant. Snottyfroup nearly back together!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel not ridin'! All in for J Philipsen.
N Boulting:	Main pelican not interested today. MOAR'n 8' minutes back!
ML Maire:	Calm down! I c'n't keep up!
SD Millar:	Just like I said, MVD Poel make chase!
Bethany (13):	O RLY?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe. G Zimmermann!
5’s Mummy:	Sort yourself out, young Mathieu!
MVD Poel:	yesauntysyrah!
Radio TEFE Post:	GET IN A BE-TI-OL!
N Boulting:	Wile u woz listening to the return of TEFE Post's tame Dalek J Philipsen is back on!
SD Millar:	Froup has to work with J Philipsen, who will then pwn the stage! Unless 'e dunt!
N Boulting:	Lead trio still has 20" & 12.5 km.
SD Millar:	J Philipsen froup in disarray… J Philipsen froup work together!
Bethany (13):	I's surpriesd that fence ent fell down bi now, Super D!
SD Millar:	Oh yeah, Little Miss Smartyknickers! You still standin' by your prediction?
Bethany (13):	Sho' am!
N Boulting:	10 km! 30" seconds to J Philipsen, 1' minute to chas0rz!
SD Millar:	K Asgreen! BO Connor c'n't sprint for tooffe!
N Boulting:	M Mohoric! 'e ent a Russian but 'e's still a sneeki fckr!
SD Millar:	J Philipsen! Spoil party for rest of froup!
N Boulting:	Pelican 10' minutes back & A Yates no longer tit about!
A Yates:	yeh
SD Millar:	Lead0rz has 1 (one) thing missing, viz. V Campanile!
V Campanaerts:	LOL!
N Boulting:	Lead0rz has 30" seconds! Inside 5 km!
SD Millar:	If they tit about they're DOOMED! BO Connor early assault attack?
N Boulting:	MVD Poel? Dunt look as lively as you'd expect!
SD Millar:	As I's been saying all the lieulong day, J Philipsen froup is DOOMED!
J Philipsen:	A Bettiol! I want to speak to your manager!
A Bettiol:	Ooooh, hark @ Sprint Karen!
N Boulting:	BO Connor gettin' ready…
BO Connor:	Aaargh, bugarup!
K Asgreen & M Mohoric [in stereo]:	Who pwned that?
J Philipsen:	P4? U useless fukn wnkrs!
Omnes:	LOL @ J Philipsen! Roffle also! Who pwned it?
C Prudhomme:	M Mohoric! By un pneu!
Bethany (13):
G Imlach:	w00t!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Look, see! M Mohoric blub like a gri… er, because pore d-e-d G Mader, obv!
Bethany (13):	Niec swerve, G Imlach! Wotta staeg, eh! M Mohoric jus' wanted it a teeny bit MOAR'n K Asgreen!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pidcock again!
T Pidcock:	O hai! Done what I could!
D Friebe:	Some tired rid0rz in chase?
T Pidcock:	Yeah, me! Chapeau to the pwn0rz! D-e-d strong!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A pelican! Nearly 14' minutes behind!
SD Millar:	For sure today & yesterday no picnic for pelican. They'll still be tired 2moz!
M Mohoric:	[At 100 mph] Means a lot! Hard job, this is! Backroom team work soopa hard! K Asgreen v. strong! Pwn for pore d-e-d G Mader!
Bethany (13):	Aaawwwwww!
D Friebe:	O hai, J Haig!
J Haig:	O hai! TP Fairy got me early on! All over the race, me!
G Imlach:	Tomorrow is horble! Spottyjumper! P3 in Gee-See! Doan miss it!
Bethany (13):	TJ Visma orter b able 2 control but iz still gonna b…
Omnes:	Bridge!!1!
TP Kennaugh:	Hello! Help! Teh bathroom dor's stuk! Hello?
5’s Mummy:	Bethany!

[Mrs Pingu]

Every time I see P Eenkhoorn I think 🐿️!

[Mr Larrington]

(click to show/hide)

[Clare]

The words from the last line of the Top Cat song.

Edit: given that the programme was, according to Wikinaccurate, first broadcast in the UK in May 1962, that would make it more than 60 years.

Objection yeronna, that's the first verse, the last one is:

Yes, he's the chief, he's a king,
But above everything,
He's the most tip top,
Top Cat!


source: https://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/topcatlyrics.html

[Mr Larrington]

No, ***, that isn’t D Martinez with C Rodriguez. Because he went home last Sunday.

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 20: Belfort -> Le Markstein Fellering

(click to show/hide)

T Producer:	Bethany (13)! Did you squirt superglue™ into the lock of chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh's bathroom door?
Bethany (13):	Sertinli not! [Flutters eyelashes] Duz I look liek sum kind ov 1/2-crazed Vizigoff?
Omnes:	TBH, Bethany (13), u don't look much like any kind of Goff!
Bethany (13):	C mi comment in teh intro re Andi Sex Gang! [To teh Producer] Also, I wudn't set foot in Tiny P's room evn iffen u pade me! Leeve that sort ov Stuffs 2 Modesti Blaze or Deliveroo rid0rz! Is teh horble ickl squit Em-Eye-Eh agane?
T Producer:	Les sapeurs pompiers had to smash the door wif an axe! He ran off shouting about spudz'n'herrings! Have you seen him since?
5's Mummy:	Tell the truth now, Bethany!
Bethany (13):	I ent seed 'im sinse Thursda nite! Probli thort Spaec Nazis woz afta 'im!
G Imlach:	C'n we get on? We's got the whole stage live and I need to tell the boiz & grilz how funneh I, TV's G Imlach, am!
Bethany (13):	U jus' did!
G Imlach:	Oh. Yes. Um. Short stage today! Only 133 anna bit km but 6 (six) spottyclimbs! U haz the Mappe?
Bethany (13):	Indede I duz! [Indicates Mappe] Look, see! Three (three) second kitteh ones 2 get G Ciccone intrstd…
G Ciccone:	I'm gonna be Back In Business, you betcha!
Bethany (13):	…a 3rd kitteh [indicates Mappe again] hear, & a cupple ov kitteh 1 jobs 2 finish wif! Tho afta teh last spottyclimb it go up a bit MOAR b4 goin' down agane! Kwestion iz: iz F Gall gonna 1. fite 4 teh spottyjumper, c: protect hiz P8 in teh Gee-See or ii) both?
G Imlach:	And while on the subj. of the Gee-See, what of S Yates vs. C Rodriguez vs. P Bilbao? J Hindley onli 1 (1) minute behind P Bilbao. S Kuss only a minute & a bitty ahead of D Gaudu too!
Bethany (13):	4 sure it wud be a c'lossl roffle iffen TUAE Emirates went full gas flat out liek hell maximum assault attack from teh moment le Roi C Prudhomme 1 waev hiz ickl fleg, but I c'n't c it hapnin'! Chiz.
G Ciccone:	All or nothing! I's a Gambler! Hold Tight!
Bethany (13):	Jus' doan Let Down Your Guard, G Ciccone! Or ur gonna b Looking For Mercy!
G Ciccone:	What did she just say
Bethany (13):	Klene ur lug'oles out, dopi! Ne-wa, Le Roi C Prudhomme 1 ent doned hiz fleg-noncin' fing yet so shitverts
	[…]
Bethany (13):	Iz this a laek I c b4 me? Big, wet & full of beesties wif big pointi teefs? TV's J Wade on teh shoar wif a fishin' rod anna sertin glint in hiz eye?
N Boulting:	[Incoherent whimpering]
5's Mummy:	Bethany!
Bethany (13):	sozsyrahersoz***yeh
A Yates:	erwotdidsheaaahjussaer yeh
N Boulting:	Expecting action, adventure, danger, excitement & rilly wild things today! T Pinot! He's local! Let's haz MOAR shitverts!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Le Roi C Prudhom…
C Prudhomme:	OK, u discarded sex toys, bugger off! [Waves fleg]
V Campanaerts:	Bai, suXX0rz!
SD Millar:	JD Buyst with 'im! Nutter! N Oliviera chase!
Omnes:	Birbs, ***! Hyooge birbs!
N Boulting:	Fukn gliders! Wnkrs!
SD Millar:	N Oliviera nommed by pelican. All quiet so far.
N Boulting:	T Pinot! Bidin' his time! Not quite the biff-bang-pow start I wuz expecting!
SD Millar:	TL Trek bidin' their time! Waitin' for the Ballon d'Alsace!
N Boulting:	Look, see! La Chapelle Notre-Dame de Haut! Le Corbusier!
L Corbusier:	C'est une machine pour worshippin' in, innit!
SD Millar:	They got a monastery roun' the back too!
Bethany (13):	Look liek a grane silo from 'ere!
N Boulting:	Palest…Philistine! The Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz is over there too!
SD Millar:	TL Trek all in for G Ciccone.
G Ciccone:	Veni Vidi Vici!
N Boulting:	Weren't that J Caesar?
Bethany (13):	Mite b, but woz also on Rebel Heart (2015)! Ur so unhip, ***! Iz a surpries ur bum ent felled off!
N Boulting:	We sent ect!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, S Yates! U find 18" seconds to kill C Rodriguez utterly to DETH?
S Yates:	O hai! Not really think about it! Stage pwn? We will see!
N Boulting:	Look, see! V Campanile & JD Buyst is on teh Ballon ov Alsace! Spottyjumper!
SD Millar:	Nice to see spottyjumper competition!
D Friebe:	O hai, F Gall! U say u not chase spottyjumper! Bluff?
F Gall:	O hai! I say this to everyone inc. G Ciccone! Is J Vingegaard he need to worry about! Not 1st priority! We will see!
Bethany (13):	Well, 'e wud sa that!
N Boulting:	P Latour! G Ciccone! B Cosnefroy!
SD Millar:	Plus some others. TL Trek control!
N Boulting:	G Ciccone markin' moves! A Petit dropped from pelican's fethery bum! J Stuyven also!
	[…]
Bethany (13):	Wile u woz bein' sold crap V Campanile iz onli 4" seconds awa from teh mitey beek ov teh pelican!
Radio T Ineo$:	TUAE Emirates target stage pwn!
T Ineo$:	O RLY!
D Friebe:	O hai, J Vingegaard! T Pogačar?
J Vingegaard:	Vell, T Pogačar's just zis guy, u kno!
Bethany (13):	Haz ne ov r lissenas notiecd teh remarkbl resemblnc btwene J Vingegaard & a 1958 Packard Hawk?
Omnes:	O RLY?
	J Vingegaard
Bethany (13):	YA
	1958 Packard Hawk
Bethany (13):	RLY!
5’s Mummy:	Bethany! Stop that sniping! Really! And apologise at once!
Bethany (13):	sozsyrahersozjvingegaard
J Vingegaard:	Nice car!
D Friebe:	O hai, J Alaphilippe! How is ur legses today?
J Alaphilippe:	O hai! One on the left & 1 on the right haha! Bit tired! Go as fast as possible to ze 'otel! We will see!
N Boulting:	TL Trek control. M Pedersen on the front! M Skjelmose also! M Pedersen v strong @ this end of teh Tour ov France!
SD Millar:	Doned loadsa damage yesterday! Biff! Bang! Ka-POWWW!
N Boulting:	Look, see! F Gall sneekin' up! J Vingegaard also!
SD Millar:	Nope, F Gall not interested!
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! More, plz!
N Boulting:	TL Trek take 1st 3 (three) spottyplaces! DV Baarle 4th!
SD Millar:	Nul point for J Vingegaard!
N Boulting:	N Pooless assault attack! G Ciccone make chase!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect pelican MOAR or less still together, tho J Alaphilippe try to change this state of affairs.
SD Millar:	Soon is come the snottysprint. J Philipsen c'n pwn the spottyjumper! Chute, according to Radio Free Prudhomme!
N Boulting:	T Ineo$!
SD Millar:	C Rodriguez!
N Boulting:	Eeep! Blood! O Fraile tow him but 40" seconds back!
Radio T Ineo$:	Crrrrch…C Rodriguez crash…slo down…brrrzt!
SD Millar:	Onoz! C Rodriguez in all sorts of trub! & pelican splat!
M Pedersen:	\o/ Snottypwn! Nul points for u, Sprint Karen!
J Philipsen:	Piss!
SD Millar:	C Rodriguez draft team car!
N Boulting:	Overcooked corner! Took down S Kuss, I rekn! Look, see! The dokta is mendin' 'im!
SD Millar:	Not so much a splat pelican as a big froup off the front! 20" seconds. Tho J Vingegaard is in it, so is goin' nowhere!
N Boulting:	TUAE Emirates chase like crazy! Look, see! MOAR repairs to S Kuss! J Vingegaard d-e-d lucky! Just in front of C Rodriguez!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap C Rodriguez back in teh safety of teh pelican's fethery tum, the front froup still has 15" seconds & S Kuss lookin' v. secondhand.
SD Millar:	M Pedersen!
N Boulting:	TL Trek concerted assault attack! M Pedersen M Skjelmose G Ciccone! Oh. That went nowhere.
SD Millar:	TL Trek try to make this break stick! M Pedersen
N Boulting:	Complicated day! Gee-See, spottyjumper & stage pwn!
SD Millar:	Big assault attack by TB Hansgrohe! M Pedersen explode! A Yates chase also!
N Boulting:	Small froup clear inc. G Ciccone! M Skjelmose also!
SD Millar:	G Ciccone, M Skjelmose, T Pidcock, K Neilands, MV Gils & W Barguil in lead froup.
Bethany (13):	[Further improper dancing]
N Boulting:	Only 55-60 rid0rz left in teh pelican! & MOAR bein' shat out all the time!
SD Millar:	S Küng & I Izzywizzy 15" behind lead0rz.
G Ciccone:	You ent gonna fite me for teh spottypwn, r u?
T Break:
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! It's Me Against The Music! Er, mntns…
N Boulting:	Blimey! Bethany's Da…R Urán on the move! T Pinot also!
	[…]
M Rendell:	O hai! Mi blong sieg heil! T Pinot! O hai, Tiny P! Where u bin?
TP Kennaugh:	[Looks daggers @ Bethany (13)] Mi dangli earing goned AWOL!
Bethany (13):	I wudn't touch ur ear'ole iffen u pade me wif dimondz, u chirpi Manx idiot!
5's Mummy:	Bethany!
Bethany (13):	I! NEVVAH! DONED! NUFFINK! 2! TINY! P'S! STUFFS! Syrah.
M Rendell:	Meanwhile… T Pinot has caught teh lead0rz & K Neilands haz uncaught 'em!
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! Closer to Champagne Rosé time!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap C Harper has caught the lead0rz; V Madouas, K Vermaerke & Bethany's Da…R Urán 7" seconds behind. Pelican @ 1' minute.
TP Kennaugh:	G Ciccone donin' it rite!
Bethany (13):	Look, see! Teh froup wif mi Da… R Urán haz cort teh lead0rz! Mi Da… R Urán an' W Barguil in lead froup! Yay!
5:	T Pinot 2!
5 & Bethany (13) [in stereo]:	[Dancing verging on the obscene]
M Rendell:	TUAE Emirates! TJ Visma! Both!
M Bjerg:	Gagh! Work like doggo & make 0 ground on break! [Pulls face such as would frighten small children & domesticated goats, bingly-bongly or otherwise]
TP Kennaugh:	Gr8 stage for day b4 Paris Paree! Thort last three (3) daze b4 Paris Paree wud be d-e-d dull but they ent!
M Rendell:	Iz a 1-day race today! T Pinot!
Bethany (13):	Pelican still loosin' tiem! w00t!
TP Kennaugh:	Still a long wa 2 go! Ne-thing c'n…
N Oliviera:	Noes! My bike!
Omnes:	Snek, snek!
N Oliviera:	Fck! Off!
M Rendell:	Thirty (30) km descant after this spottyclimb wot they are now on! Would suit nutter. Ring BRITAIN 227 & ask for Tom!
G Ciccone:	You ent gonna fite me for teh spottypwn, r u?
T Break:
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottyjumper! Time for a Celebration!
Omnes:	Hurrah!
ML Maire:	You c'n pack it in now, G Ciccone!
G Ciccone:	Can't Stop!
ML Maire:	Aaaaaaarrrrrggggh!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Le Petit Ballon! Crammed wif T Pinot fanz0rz!
SD Millar:	G Ciccone!
N Boulting:	G Ciccone!
SD Millar & N Boulting [in stereo]:	G Ciccone!
G Ciccone:	I Deserve It!
ML Maire:
N Boulting:	MV Gils! Dark horse!
SD Millar:	For sure! Totes ignored by .fr TV when 'e finished 2nd the other day!
N Boulting:	T Pidcock! C'n outsprint Sprint SPRINTEEE the rest of the lead0rz! Look, see! C Rodriguez safe in pelican! T Ineo$ still has numbers inc. D Martinez.
D Martinez:
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap they's on the Petit Balloon, er, Ballon!
SD Millar:	T Pinot!
N Boulting:	T Pidcock! But not W Barguil. Oh, wait. There he is!
Bethany (13):	Wotch it, ***! Ur laptop look xpensiv!
N Boulting:	I, er, V Madouas! T Pidcock, T Pinot, C Harper, W Barguil &… G Ciccone still in lead froup.
SD Millar:	V Madouas work soopa hard for T Pinot!
N Boulting:	M Madiot will need a new carpet after this! Last shitvert break before stage finish!
	[…]
Bethany (13):	Wile u woz bein' sold crap thare's 5 anna bit km of teh clime left & T Pinot out front on his tod!
5:	w00tissimo!
N Boulting:	T Pidcock & C Harper c'n't keep up!
SD Millar:	Only person who c'n beat T Pinot is T Pinot!
N Boulting:	T Pidcock on his own now! Unless he ent.
T Pidcock:	What's the descant like LOL?
SD Millar:	T Pidcock hold gap!
N Boulting:	Front of race gainin' on pelican!
SD Millar:	& T Pinot gainin' on every-1! T Pidcock caught by C Harper & W Barguil!
T Pinot:	[Looks over shoulder] Where is every-1!
SD Millar:	Not sure who's louder: the fanz0rz or M Madiot!
5:	ALLEZ T PINOT! [Furious dancing]
N Boulting:	W Barguil with T Pidcock! 0 sign of C Harper but .fr TV mostly showin' T Pinot. 25" seconds.
Omnes:	Still 1 (one) MOAR climb to go, thobut!
T Pinot:	Shut! Up!
N Boulting:	C Harper back on! C Harper back off!
SD Millar:	Blah TJ Visma blah blah…
Omnes:	Who cares?
T Pinot:	\o/ Not me, for sure!
N Boulting:	34" seconds to T Pidcock & co.
Omnes:	Get in, T Pidcock!
5:	Shut! Up! Or mai Daddy will have you killed! Er, did Ai say that out loud?
SD Millar:	Chute! D Gaudu!
N Boulting:	In Top Ten (10) on Gee-See too!
D Gaudu:	Piss!
SD Millar:	Had to wait ages for a nü bike! Could happen to ne-1 inc. J Vingegaard!
N Boulting:	T Pidock & co ent catching as fast as you'd think!
SD Millar:	Based on absolutely 0 evidence I, TV's Super D Millar, assert that T Pidcock overshot a corner!
N Boulting:	Last climb! 7 km! T Pinot! 23" seconds!
T Pinot:	[Discards gloves] Gloves off!
SD Millar:	C Harper dropped!
N Boulting:	T Pidcock & W Barguil closing gap! 17" seconds. Clock goin' bugarup again!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates! TJ Visma!
TGFD J Bloke:	O hai, T Pidcock & W Barguil! Wanna ice pack!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! Assault attack!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard!
N Boulting:	They's stopped!
F Gall:	Wait… WHAT I doan wanna lead u two!
N Boulting:	The Yates bruvs! P Bilbao! T Pidcock & W Barguil catch T Pinot! F Gall, J Vingegaard & T Pogačar nearly done it too!
W Barguil:	[Pats T Pinot on back] U OK, hun?
T Pinot:	No. [Explodes]
T Pidcock & W Barguil [in stereo]:	Us too!
N Boulting:	S Yates try again!
F Gall:	[on radio] What do I do now, Boss?
Radio TG2R Citroën:
N Boulting:	Both Yates bruvs caught T Pinot & W Barguil! S Yates P4 on Gee-See! Look, see! T Pidcock back with C Rodriguez!
SD Millar:	Yates bruvs drop teh .fr pair!
Omnes:	Get in! yeh
N Boulting:	P Bilbao distance J Hindley.
J Vingegaard:	[Impersonates wol] Where's 'e hidin'? Sneeki fckr!
N Boulting:	Narrow road! J Vingegaard & F Gall block road!
F Gall:	\o/ Spottypwn!
N Boulting:	Yates bruvs @ 15" seconds! No proper descant!
Bethany (13):	Doan 4get it kepe goin' up 4 a bit!
Radio Free Prudhomme:	V Lafay has goned home!
Omnes:
N Boulting:	P Bilbao catch T Pinot & W Barguil.
J Vingegaard:	C'mon, F Gall!
F Gall:	Fck off! I led u all the way up that mntn!
N Boulting:	Yates bruvs work together!
SD Millar:	& they's on the lead0rz! 5 km!
N Boulting:	T Pidcrack cocked1!
SD Millar:	Complicated finish! Could get… SKETCHY!!1!
N Boulting:	Wind! J Hindley! C Rodriguez! S Yates!
SD Millar:	Wind!
N Boulting:	A Yates lead out…
T Pogačar:	\o/ Yes! Fukn yes!
F Gall:	& LOL @ u, J Vingegaard!
A Yates:	ergratestuffaah yeh
Bethany (13):	Wowsa! Gr8 staeg 2 round Stuffs off!
	[…]
G Imlach:	& in all that pore d-e-d C Rodriguez finish 12th & lose P4 in Gee-See to S Yates! We sent…
D Friebe:	O noes! O hai, A Yates!
A Yates:	eryehwannasetuptpogačar4 staegerespritikwikah kepeundacontrolernotezyeh erholetemechaesyehgooddaer yeh
D Friebe:	Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!
G Imlach:	Yates bruvs!
TP Kennaugh:	Epic…[Drowned out by fanz0rz]
SD Millar:	TL Trek…G Ciccone…T Pinot…T Pogačar! So many stories!
T Pogačar:	Feel myself again! Feel good! Soopa soopa happy! A Yates! Yates bruvs soopa good! Team done great job! Soopa happy!
TP Kennaugh:	J Vingegaard scairt ov T Pogačar! Wif good reezn! Duel cud go on 4 yeres!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates done a great job!
	[…]
Bethany (13):	Had 2 roffle @ F Gall sneekin' in2 P2! LOL!
J Vingegaard:	Fck! Off!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Yates! Ur bruv…
S Yates:	O hai! Lucky he was there on climb! Work together. Pretty happy with race. Very happy! yeh
M Soler [crossing finish]:	\o Thank fck that's over!
Bouncing Dane:	I! Caught! Teh! Flowers! Yeeeee!
N Boulting:	S Kuss out of Top Ten (10) after chute; G Martin into P10. G Ciccone!
SD Millar:	Nice to see spottyjumper go to someone who try for the whole race!
G Ciccone:	I'm a Ray Of Light!
ML Maire:	I swear onna stack of Beano Annuals, G Ciccone, that iffen u pwn teh spottyclimb 2moz I will kill u! 2 DETH!
SD Millar:	F Gall orter of fought for it! Booo!
F Gall:	I was after the stage pwn!
SD Millar:	Chapeau to F Gall for not chasing silly jumper!
Bethany (13):	4 once in ur lief, Super D, tri not sittin' on teh fe… NO CARRIER
1:	Joak shamelessly robbed off of T42…

[Beardy]

Am I the only one who thinks that Vingegaard looks worryingly like Micheal Jackson in his later years?

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 21: Saint-Quentin-En-Yvelines -> Paris Champs-Élysées

(click to show/hide)

Bethany (13):	Onoz! O woe! Last da ov teh Tour ov France b4 we return 2 teh mundane & humdrum teduim ov reel lief & also mi mum teh fukn C-O-W! Still, woz a rippa raec until T Pogačar xploded!
G Imlach:	Oi! I'm supposed to do the intro, crack a joke or two, ect &, moreover, ect! Did that WWX Lackey press teh "Start" button too early?
WWX Lackey:	Dinnae look at me, pal! Ah was tryin' tae track chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh's phone, only realistically instead o' how they duz it on the telly!
G Imlach:	Don't tell me, the Eccles of Ellan Vannin, the dope of Douglas, the cretin of Crosby, the, err…
Bethany (13):	Bellend ov Ballaugh?
G Imlach:	Ye…NO! You can't say that! Not even in the highlights show!
Bethany (13):	Y not? Tiny P iz a bellend, tho not a coloosal 1 liek Piers “Morgan” Moron…
Omnes:
G Imlach:	& you don't know where 'e's got to this time?
Bethany (13):	Probli runned off 2 join teh serkus or hidin' from Spaec Nazis unda hiz bed agane… Xekutiv sumri: doan kno, doan caer!
G Imlach:	If you've been telling him MOAR fairy stories about Space Nazis…
Bethany (13):	Er, I mite ov gived 'im teh ideer that Iron Sky wuz a documntri…
5's Mummy:	Oh, Bethany, really!
Bethany (13):	But 'e's such a, a, a, well, u kno!
EO Aquitaine:	She's right, you know! Bethany (13), obvs. Look, see! Notre-Dame! They knew how to build 'em in them days! Tho' they dint finish it until I woz d-e-d chiz! Also my idiot gr8-grandson Louis Eye-Ecks put a whole bunch of s'posed "relics" in in. Bought 'em off of that grifter Baldwin Eye-Eye, the daft tit! Crown Of Thorns? Splinter of teh Troo Cross? 0 wonder the 7th & 8th Crusades wuz such frescoes! Er, fiascos1!
WWX Lackey:	Repairs comin' on nicely, aye!
EO Aquitaine:	For sure! Better'n Louis' crusades ne-way! Pope Bonyface Vee-Eye-Eye-Eye made 'im a Saint, c'n u believe it? My boi RTL Heart, now he knew how to done Crusadin'!
G Imlach:	Thanks you for the hist. leçon, ur Maj, but in spite of the valiant attempts by certain members ov teh pelican, a bike race is about to break out! Though for sure is a swiz because 0 M Cavendish! Let us have a condensed version, because 1. the rid0rz will still be tittin' about & c) Super D is still having his massage!
SD Millar:	Oooooh! Mmmmmm! Eeeeeep! Twenties! MOAR!
Bethany (13):
G Imlach:	To the gr8 surprise of absolutely 0 V Campanile doned a assault attack the moment Le Roi C Prudhomme I waved his ickle fleg…
Bethany (13):	…& to a simla 0 surpries V Campanile also pwned teh Soopacombativité, probli coz T Pinot wuz teh onli French Frenchman wif a French naem 2 maek a impresshn. Xactli once!
D Gaudu:	Oi!
Bethany (13):	Shut! Up! Motos! Jumperbearers! T Pogačar givin' a juniorshinyjumper 2 a ickl boi! Aww! 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	Fab Tour ov France!
SD Millar:	Mi…ne…ot wo…ing!
WWX Lackey:	Plug in it, ye great chieftain o' the pudden race!
SD Millar:	[FX: Buzzing noise, loud bang, screaming feedback robbed off of Neil Young c. 1991, coins] Oh. Yes. Right…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap a bunch of .fr rid0rz doned a assault attack but G Ciccone thwarted it with, er, thwarts!
G Ciccone:
N Boulting:	D Gaudu!
SD Millar:	D Gaudu!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	D Gaudu!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Verse-Eye!
EO Aquitaine:	I's jealous!
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Ciccone! Totes spotty!
SD Millar:	Mntnspots! Like Marmite!
G Ciccone:	What is this "Marmite" of which u speak?
Bethany (13):	Trus' me, G Ciccone, ur betta off not knowin'!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect: 0. Again. Here for ur listening plezh is Y Offredo off of .fr TV!
Y Offredo:	O hai! I ride ze Tour ov France three (3) times & fall in leurve wiz it! Retire after beeg crash, was like bein' d-e-d!
EO Aquitaine:	No. No, it ent!
Y Offredo:	Soz, ur Maj! I mean iz v. difficult to adjust!
N Boulting:	U doned a big break, 2018!
Y Offredo:	200 km out front! Was beeg fun even though was goin' nowhere! LOL!
N Boulting:	T Pinot!
Y Offredo:	OK, so on papeur 'e is not so spesh but is emeurtion, innit! Very French! We doan like it when ppl pwn too much!
N Boulting:	The .fr public. How they feel about the Tour ov France these days?
Y Offredo:	Tour ov France ees MOAR'n jus' a bike race! Beeg crowds thees year!
SD Millar:	Netflix!
Y Offredo:	For sure but ees national institution! C'est La France, innit! Every-1 has memory of it even iffen they doan like cycling!
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! This has for sure been Something To Remember!
N Boulting:	Nice that spottyjumper go to a rid0r who fight for it, not as a by-product of the Gee-See!
Omnes:	That ent wot LV Impe sez!
G Ciccone:	Yarbles 2 LV Impe! Bolshie gr8 yarblockoes! I Rise!
Y Offredo:	I agree wiz G Ciccone! Breakaway rid0rz! Much MOAR funs!
SD Millar:	Long wait for .fr pwner of  teh Tour ov France!
Y Offredo:	For sure, but we 'az some new kidz comin'! We will see! Need MOAR monnaie!
SD Millar:	Like we BRITONS did!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect TJ Visma on the front of the pelican & will lead it thru the burbclaves…
Omnes:	Birb? Where?
N Boulting:	BURB, clots!
SD Millar:	Is all about… RISPEK!
N Boulting:	For sure some 0-hopers will have a go but is not EZ!
SD Millar:	For sure! Long drag uphill, soopa fast downhill, big wide roads! We will see!
N Boulting:	Finish line moved last year! Will the sprint0rz remember?
SD Millar:	Was talkin' 2 J Bakelite earlier…
Bethany (13):	Y? Gr8 sexist oinka! U orter ov kikt 'im!
SD Millar:	I, er, Danes! Lots of Danes here today! Gr8 race for, er, Denmark!
Bethany (13):
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! La Loover! The Roo de Ravioli! w00t!
Bethany (13):	Did mi Da… R Urán do 'iz birb impreshn agane?
N Boulting:	Dint see! Soz!
Bethany (13):	Bah!
SD Millar:	Wind!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Is, er, hang on! Where's S/L Le Beegles & his merry æronauts? Two poxy prop planes? Gagh!
SD Millar:	Will take a while to settle!
N Boulting:	Last two sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE stages dint go well for the sprint0rz!
K Asgreen:	LOL!
M Mohoric:	Roffle!
J Philipsen:
N Boulting:	Is this a break I see before me?
SD Millar:	Not iffen TA Deceuninck haz anything to do with it!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Nogweegie Corna! Did I…
SD Millar:	[Hurriedly] Securité! Haveta keep Nogweegies in cages!
N Boulting:	Who's that in the white jumper doning a assault attack?
T Pogačar:	Only meeeeeeeeee! Roffle!
TJ Visma:	NV Hooydonck?
NV Hooydonck:	Who, me?
TJ Visma:	Yes. Yes, you! Chase that Slovenian loonspud & kill him! 2 DETH!
NV Hooydonck:	Piss!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh has showed up & T Pogačar lead by 17" seconds!
NV Hooydonck:	Ooog!
N Boulting:	Where u been, Tiny P?
TP Kennaugh:	Thare woz Spaec Nazis on teh news, so I hidded until they goned!
Bethany (13):	U had it on repete, no?
TP Kennaugh:	I…
N Boulting:	Shut! Up! 8 (eight) rid0rz now make chase!
SD Millar:	TA Deceuninck! Will break work? Or leave to T Pogačar?
T Pogačar:	They'd better not!
N Boulting:	Bike change for M Soler!
M Soler:	¡Piss!
SD Millar:	F Wright bridged across!
5's Mummy:	Oh, jolly good! Play up, F Wright!
SD Millar:	Wait…WHAT? T Pogačar assault attack again!
T Pogačar:	LOL!
N Boulting:	Ten (10) rid0rz out front!
SD Millar:	Sprint teams under presh! Ent nevvah seen a final stage like this!
N Boulting:	TJ Alula close down break!
Omnes:	Awwwww! Rotters!
SD Millar:	R Cavagna! K Neilands!
N Boulting:	N Pooless!
SD Millar:	S Clarke!
N Boulting:	V Campanile!
Omnes:	Yay!
N Boulting:	Oh. Is F Frison, not V Campanile.
Omnes:	Boo!
SD Millar:	Hold up! T Pogačar is chasing the break! Loon!
T Pelican:	Pack it in, you knobber!
J Vingegaard:	Quit pissin' on my chips, u wnkr!
T Pogačar:	Roffle!
N Boulting:	Surely T Pogačar has finished tittin' about by now?
T Pogačar:	Doan bet on it, ***!
N Boulting:	N Oliviera, F Frison & S Clarke! MOAR the sort of break the sprint0rz were hopin' for!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! The Eiffel Tower! We's in Paris Paree!
Omnes:	O RLY?
N Boulting:	YA RLY! & the break still has 18" seconds. 3 (three) MOAR laps!
SD Millar:	TSQ Step rid0r assault attack!
N Boulting:	Is D Devenyns (94)! Oh. He has been caught.
SD Millar:	Sprint0rz teams now workin' in earnest! G Cicco…
N Boulting:	J Hindley! Chain!
Omnes:	Snek! Snek!
J Hindley:	Fck! Off!
Omnes:	Look, see! Teh bridges of Paris Paree!
C Lion:	Yay!
N Boulting:	M Pedersen! On form!
SD Millar:	Indeed he is.
N Boulting:	Will he pwn the stage?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe.
N Boulting:	2 laps 18" seconds! S Küng bike change!
S Küng:	Arse!
Omnes:	Is that rain on the cameras?
EC Boardman [via NastiNet]:
N Boulting:	A Petit! Orter ov goned home after stage 14, but dint! Chapeau!
SD Millar:	Chapeau.
N Boulting:	Assault attack! J Alaphilippe MC Nielsen & N Eekhoff!
SD Millar:	TA Deceuninck & TL Trek will shut 'em down or mi name ent Barrington Womble!
N Boulting:	Closed down! T Ineo$! D Martinez!
D Martinez:
N Boulting:	O Fraile! V Campanile!
T Bell:	Ding &, moreover, dong!
N Boulting:	Caught!
SD Millar:	MOAR chaos! Some loon from T Moviestar! A Bettiol!
N Boulting:	Caught!
A Bettiol:	Not yet, I ent!
SD Millar:	R Cavagna! TU X!
N Boulting:	3 km! TJ Visma leave 'em to it! Fast'n'bulbousfurious!
SD Millar:	'ere we go!!1!
N Boulting:	MVD Poel! Sprint SPRINTEEE! Photo-finish! J Meeus? J Philipsen?
	[Some time later]
TJ Visma:	O hai!
J Meeus:	Wot, me? w00t \o/
Omnes:	Ooooh, Sprint Karen's gonna be FUMMIN'!
J Philipsen:	[FUMMS]
G Imlach:	So there you has it! Shitverts while Le Roi C Prudhomme I build the podium!
	[…]
J Meeus:	Went perfect! Soopa happy! Felt good all day! M Haller! M Pedersen! Soopa nice experience! For sure!
G Imlach:	Chaotic finish!
Bethany (13):	J Meeus done it all rite! Niec 1, fella!
TP Kennaugh:	Complanci bi J Philipsen? Ded xcitin' tho!
G Imlach:	MOAR shitverts while Le Roi C Prudhomme I build the podium!
	[…]
G Imlach:	In case u missed it, J Vingegaard pwned teh Tour ov France!
J Vingegaard:	Proud! Happy! Team! Denmark! Soopa good fight wif T Pogačar! Try 4 #3 next year! For sure!
G Imlach:	J Vingegaard goin' to Vuelta ov Spaign-o too!
TP Kennaugh:	Cool as a, er, one o' they long grene fings!
G Imlach:	T Pogačar ent had the shinyjumper since J Vingegaard took it last year!
Bethany (13):	T Pogačar scair J Vingegaard 1/2 2 DETH! We sent ect!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, MVD Poel! T Pogačar?
MVD Poel:	O hai! Had bike trub so only saw it on big screen! Not such a good race. Ill in 2nd week! Managed leadout today! For sure!
5's Mummy:	Good show, young Mathieu!
D Friebe:	O hai, J Hindley!
J Hindley:	O hai! Soopa happi for J Meeus! This stage really hard! All good though! BEER o'clock!
N Boulting:	Finally they's finished the podium! Look, see! J Meeus!
J Meeus:	Flippin' 'eck! I gets a spesh trophy too! w00t!
N Boulting:	V Campanile!
V Campanaerts:	O hai! LOL! U like my moustache?
Omnes:	Helloooooooo! Oooh, MOAR bridges!
C Prudhomme:	OK, shove off! We's got a lot to get thru!
N Boulting:	Team comp. TJ Visma!
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡Esperar! ¡Eso no está bien! +++
SD Millar:	S Kuss! Looks like 'e's bin inna fight! Did 'e say something Bethany (13) dint like?
S Kuss:	I crashed yesterday, you muppet!
SD Millar:	Oh. Yes. So you did.
N Boulting:	Juniorshinyjumper! T Pogačar for the last time!
SD Millar:	Great relief to anyone a year or MOAR younger'n 'im!
T Pogačar:	Roffle!
N Boulting:	Spottyjumper! G Ciccone! Deny the Gee-See contend0rz! Dint do the Giro ov Italy because Covid! Came 'ere instead!
G Ciccone:	Crazy!
CP Sagan:	Oi!
Bethany (13):	Off of Madame X, 2019!
CP Sagan:	Oh.
N Boulting:	Snottyjumper! J Philipsen!
J Philipsen:
N Boulting:	& J Vingegaard! Teh great Dane!
Bethany (13):	Woof!
N Boulting:	Many singleton pwners of TdF but not 'im! How to beat 'im? Look, see! T Pogačar & A Yates join in.
A Yates:	yeh
A Hidalgo [Mme La Maire]:	Que vient-il de dire?
J Vingegaard:	Amazing year! Amazing team! Long time planning! Party time! Amazingly amazing! Next year haha! Family! Thx! Bai!
G Imlach:	O hai, F Wright!
F Wright:	O hai! Non-stop assault attacks! D-e-d hard today! T Pogačar! Amazing legs today, the nutjob! Party time!
5's Mummy:	Oh, Ai do like that young man!
Pingu:	Boo! No vautours
WWX Lackey:	Ah found this! Best ah cud do!
1:	All Louis IX ov France fakts are korekt, or at least cribbed off of Wikinaccurate.

[Pingu]

WWX Lackey:

Ah found this! Best ah cud do!

 

[Mr Larrington]

I was just writing the “No vautours” bit when yon birb appeared over the closing credits

[Mr Larrington]

Tdf Birb by Mr Larrington, on Flickr. Click to open in Flickr and observe its full birbie magnificence!

[Mr Larrington]

O hai! Unfortunately under new regulations recently imposed by the HOAM Secretary, who you're not to call "Chinchilla teh Hun" or "Josef Gerbils" on pain of DETH, the P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz™^® Awardz are even less able to recognise meritorious performances by FOREIGNS than last year.  Here, then, is the somewhat truncated list!

(click to show/hide)

What	Who	Why
Teh P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz™® BRITON ov teh Match:	M Cavendish	Didn't actually finish but displayed True BRITISH Dignity when beset by FOREIGNS!
Teh Syrah Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh Certificate Of Good Conduct:	F Wright	He's still a nice polite young man!

[…]

Bethany (13)	Hold up! I's gotta SEEKRIT list wot I smuggled in wile…
PC Pan-Am	O RLY? Ur fukn nicked! Turn teh fukn camra off!
Bethany (13)	Owwww! Gerroff! Fascist!