more insane management speak phrases

[fuzzy]

I got management speaked at by a customers wife today when she asked for an explanation for how a cycle scheme application worked.
She used some management speak bollox that had me completely flumoxed for a second until I realised she meant 'please explain'. I was so flumoxed that, after chuntering about the moron for 5 minutes, I completely forgot the word she used.....

[Cudzoziemiec]

Does a wheelbarrow recovery mean inflation so high you'll need a wheelbarrow to carry all the money needed to buy food, as in the Weimar Republic in the 1920s?

Ha! No, quite the opposite. (Though – getting way off the bollox speak topic – I think it was in the same place that someone raised the question of how on earth do you measure inflation when shops are shut?)

[fuzzy]

I got management speaked at by a customers wife today when she asked for an explanation for how a cycle scheme application worked.
She used some management speak bollox that had me completely flumoxed for a second until I realised she meant 'please explain'. I was so flumoxed that, after chuntering about the moron for 5 minutes, I completely forgot the word she used.....

UNPACK. Un fucking pack! That is what she said. "Yah, my partner said that he can get the bike on the Halfrauds cycle to work scheme? I don't know how that works so you will have to unpack that for me....." Unpack? Un fucking believeable more like

[Kim]

I've occasionally seen 'unpack' used to describe the process of extracting files from a [compressed] archive, which is a harmless metaphor that might lend itself to that sort of managmentification, maybe?

I wonder if it can be applied to the process of explaining unfamiliar jargon?  "Could you unpack your meaning of 'unpack'?"   

[andytheflyer]

I wonder if it can be applied to the process of explaining unfamiliar jargon?  "Could you unpack your meaning of 'unpack'?"   

Yup, that's exactly it.  Explain something complex: unpack.

[Cudzoziemiec]

It's reasonably common in contexts such as analysts' questions after a company's results. "You said you were expecting an 11% hit to your top line from closure of the R17 product line, could you unpack that for us?" But what works in one context often doesn't in another (and some should be quarantined).

[fuzzy]

Unpacking as a term for extracting files? Maybe but Unpack as a term for explain? No. No. Thrice No. If you want someone to explain something, we have a perfectly good word to facilitate it- please EXPLAIN.

Of couse, she could just be a pretentious twat trying to sound cool?

[Jurek]

"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"

What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.

[Cudzoziemiec]

Of couse, she could just be a pretentious twat trying to sound cool?

Either that or just assumed everyone would be familiar with the jargon that's used in her circles. Both are common, neither is good.

[Cudzoziemiec]

"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"

What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.

Are you sure it's not an invitation to a card game? I suppose Zoom poker is a thing nowadays.

[Regulator]

"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"

What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.

I assume that they were referring to a slide deck, following a Zoom call?

[TheLurker]

"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"

A powerpoint presentation? For me?  Oh how _very_ kind of you, it's just what I always wanted and wrapped so prettily as well, but you _really_ shouldn't have bothered.  No, really, you _shouldn't_ have.

[Moleman76]

"..... Tomorrow afternoon we'll share the deck with you"

What?
I'd no plans of being on board a boat tomorrow.

They won't let you anywhere near the wheel, however.  Just show off the shiny parts so you think you're getting privileged information.

[Cudzoziemiec]

All of these changes had been made at the time of our Q2 results and will anniversary in the next 12 months.

Ugly but clear. Also superfluous cos "next 12 months".

[Cudzoziemiec]

"Reshoring" has made it into the Guardian.

Covid-19 has given extra ammunition to those arguing for greater national or European self-sufficiency. Long before it arrived, there was talk of “deglobalisation” and “reshoring” of supply chains.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/14/how-coronavirus-is-reshaping-europe-in-dangerous-ways

[hatler]

"Ramping up."   What's wrong with "increasing" ?

[Kim]

"Ramping up."   What's wrong with "increasing" ?

"Ramping up" sounds like you're deliberately controlling the rate of change as part of some feedback mechanism, rather than just being crap at increasing something.

[Mr Larrington]

"Ramping up" makes this Unit think of Evel Knievel^*, whose performances frequently ended with mayhem, ambulances and orthopædic surgery.

* Other crap stunt riders are available

[SteveC]

"The crocodile closest to the boat"

[Cudzoziemiec]

"... gets shot first"?
"... eats the plumpest boaters"?

[Andrew Br]

Hit the alligator* closest to the boat.

I quite like this phrase and I've used it in a tongue in cheek way whilst feigning sincerity.
My boss** loved it  .

*As I first heard it.
** Love of buzz words/phrases and spreadsheets aside, I actually rate him but wow does he loves spreadsheets.
He despairs of the sales force because we resist getting involved with them; we'd rather get on with it.

[cygnet]

House! Spoiler tags, because a bit of your soul might die.

(click to show/hide)

During the project, [Co] deployed both Design Thinking methodologies and User Experience Design that would establish the case for change. The team brought completely new ways of working to the [Client] board, delivering the work using an agile methodology based on co-creation and sprint delivery.
[Co] built an interactive project website to collaborate with stakeholders and communicate their progress, developed digital prototypes as proof of concept and hosted ‘show & tell’ workshops to validate the direction of travel. The strategic vision was articulated through graphical representations of the user experience so stakeholders could understand the physical and digital interactions.

[hatler]

They built a model and demoed it to the users.  Is that about it ?

[TheLurker]

House! Spoiler tags, because a bit of your soul might die.

Some poor sod *desperately* trying to justify his/her retention on the payroll.

[ian]

House! Spoiler tags, because a bit of your soul might die.

(click to show/hide)

During the project, [Co] deployed both Design Thinking methodologies and User Experience Design that would establish the case for change. The team brought completely new ways of working to the [Client] board, delivering the work using an agile methodology based on co-creation and sprint delivery.
[Co] built an interactive project website to collaborate with stakeholders and communicate their progress, developed digital prototypes as proof of concept and hosted ‘show & tell’ workshops to validate the direction of travel. The strategic vision was articulated through graphical representations of the user experience so stakeholders could understand the physical and digital interactions.

Now I work in product, this is my life.

Agile is the worst (user experience comes a close second) – the core ideal of agile development is broadly a good idea in many cases – but it's littered and bloated with crap like this delivered by endless consultants and regurgitated wholesale by many internal teams.