The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)

[clarion]

Metropolitan Police, huh?  Catering Department?  Or maybe you are in charge of ordering the stationery.

Obviously not any operational role, or you might have known about Rule 163 or Rule 191.

Print them out, so you can run your finger across the page and mouth the words as you read, so hopefully you can absorb the contents.  If you find reading difficult, there are helpful pictures.

Oh - and it's worth being aware of the road ahead so you don't end up in the wrong lane

[clarion]

And, on the subject of being in the wrong lane, I would like to make it absolutely clear that a last-minute lane change should involve indication, yes, but, prior to that, a bit of observation would help, in order to check that the gap you are pulling into is actually a gap, and is not filled by a fat man wearing bright red, riding a bicycle at the same speed as the motor traffic, and with a socking great light flashing on the front.

In case there is any doubt about this:

I DO EXIST.

And, though I have lost a bit of weight lately, I do take up a small amount of space in the three common dimensions, and have no gadgets on my bike which enable me to disappear or teleport out of the way when some arrogant twat in a pickup tries to jump a queue.

I hope that when the Police have finished with the twatty Nissan driver up the road, they pick you up straight after.

[Riggers]

Nice rant Clarrers. I enjoyed that.

[CommuteTooFar]

Oi me if I switch my back up battery light on, switch it off when you put the bike away. Oh bugger.

[Jacomus]

Bus "driver",

3cm between the nearside corner of your vehicle and my right handlebar is not an appropriate, or safe, amount of room to leave when overtaking me pointlessly 20m before the bus stop, whilst we both are going round a corner.

When I rapped on your window, I thought I would do the decent thing and not verbally abuse you / attempt to drag you out of the cab for the physical abusing of your life, until you were as limp and stained as the doily that has been blowing around outside the office for 2 days, with which you share a braincell.

"That was WAY too close."
     "What!!? How much room do you want?!?"
"What does the Highway Code say about passing cyclists?"
     "Don't care, you're fine." *slides window shut*



 

[iakobski]

For a minute there I thought you said dolly....

 

[Mr Larrington]

We download the overlays to that printer.

The printer prints stuff with the overlays for a while, then forgets it's ever heard of them.

Does this sound like a problem with the overlays to you, you fat oaf?  The overlays which work without problems on dozens of printers, some as far away as Captain Cook's Mistake?

No.  There is something wrong with the printer hardware.  Instead of passing the call back to us, fix the fucking printer.

Twat.

[fuzzy]

Astra driver.

Sorry, but my middle finger has a mind of its own- which is more than I can say for you

[Tim Hall]

Mini cab driver.

nuff said.

But it did involve a "turn in the road, using forward and reverse gears".

 

[woollypigs]

So you drive down (over the speed limit I might add) a residential road in your BIG (ugly) 4x4 and then see two adults wearing orange tabards, with 6 young kids standing next to them by the side of the road, pretty easy to spot since there are no other obstructions between you and them. And right in front of you in the middle of the road is a young person on her bicycle, who clearly saw you since she is signalling that she is turning right.

Is it just me that thinks when seeing all the above it is a good idea to slow down and not overtake?

You my fine Sir are a PILLOCK !!!!

[clarion]

Kill him.  It's best all round.

[CrinklyLion]

Graaahhhh!!!!

Stupid poxy Company.  You no longer sell direct or carry out your own installations, so I ordered the kit from your Authorised_Reseller.  The kit was shipped out by you, dear Company, WAY too early so I had to store it for blinking ages, which which was highly inconvenient.   

Authorised_Reseller's Authorised_Installation_Company came to install the kit on the appointed day.  And couldn't, because your fuckwit packer had ticked the boxes next to 'very important bit of metal' and 'big bag of nutz-n-bolts-n-bitz' on the checklist, whilst having signally failed to check that they were actually in the bloody box!  Thanks for that.

So, after about 4 DAYS of hassle from Authorised_Reseller and Authorised_Installation_Company you manage to ship the missing bits to me, and the very next day an engineer from Authorised_Installation_Company turns up.  And discovers that whilst he knows how to install Version_N, this a Version_n+1.  So goes away again. 

Now, full credit to Authorised_Installation_Company because the SAME DAY they got a different installation team in, from the other side of the country, who have been on your poxy training course and can install Version_n+1.  Which they did... well, apart from the Very_Important_Cable that they believed it needed, because that's what they were told on YOUR poxy training course, and which wasn't in there.  And which meant they couldn't test the system.  Sigh.  Thanks for that.

Another week of arguing between Authorised_Reseller, Authorised_Installation_Company and yourselves before you decide that it in fact DOESN'T need the Very_Important_Cable.  Oh no, you only need that if you're going to use New_Improved_Whizzy_Bang_Subsystem.... the one that isn't actually in production for another three weeks... oh, yes, we should have had one of those, shouldn't we?  So, instead we can go a bit Old-Skool/Heath Robinson and use the subsystem from Version_n.  Well, it'll mean we'll be up and running soon and isn't functionally worse or significantly uglier - that'll do.  So after another 3 DAYS you ship that out.  Thanks for that.

The very next day Authorised_Installation_Company send another, different, engineer out, who completes the installation.  He also logs one fault and three quality concerns with you, dear Company.  That was over 3 weeks ago - you haven't called me and you haven't called Authorised_Installation_Company with any response to those, by the way.  When I call you, you don't return my calls.  You say you'll find out and call back in 10.  I assumed that you meant minutes... so 3 hours later, I'm calling you again. Thanks for that.

When I report a separate fault you say you'll ship a replacement part out for me to swap.  If it was faulty on arrival you'd swap it - but remember you sent it out really bloody early?  Yeah, that means that although we've never used it it counts as under warranty swap not dead-on-arrival so no uninstall-reinstall for us.  It's heavy and over 6' up in the air.  I'm also heavy, but only slightly over 5'.  Thanks for that.

When you finally decide to do something about the first reported fault, I tell you the 2 1/2 days a week that I can be onsite to deal with an engineer visit, and to let me know when so that I can ensure that I am there.  So you send an engineer with no notice to a site where nobody is expecting him on a day that I can't be there.  Thanks for that.

And he's stayed for 5 minutes, said he knows what the problem is but 'doesn't know who is reponsible' and has therefore left without resolving the problem, according the other member of staff who reported back to me.  Not that you have reported back to me at all.  Thanks for that.

Now, I appreciate that there were three companies involved in this purchase and installation, and that you want to pass the buck ensure that the appropriate one takes responsibility.  But the other companies involved have done a good show of dealing with problems (generally of your making) pro-actively, keeping in contact and keeping the client informed, thinking around problems and trying to find solutions.  Whereas you have got a fine track record of avoiding responsibility, and failing to communicate at all.  Who do I think is at the root of my problem? I wonder....

Could it be you, dear company, who have sold us a system that clearly has one or 2 little 'design features' that you haven't quite ironed out?  Who has sold us a system that  clearly wasn't market ready - for crying out loud a significant component isn't even out of the factory yet...

So I have paid (in terms of our budget) large wads of dosh for a sub-standard system that we haven't actually been able to use and have no idea what, if anything, you're planning to do about it.  Thanks for that.  Thanks a sodding bunch.

Graaahhhhhh!!!!!

[CrinklyLion]

By the way - thanks, I actually do feel better for that

And, with a little bit of editing, there's my complaint email drafted ready to send tomorrow.  Now I'm off for a cuppa.

[Bledlow]

Warwick.  After getting within 4 miles and encountering stationary traffic, I then tried in vain for an hour and a half to get anywhere near your town, so I have given up on the conference and decided to spend the afternoon back in the office instead.  Maybe you could coordinate the M40 roadworks with the new gas main so it doesn't gridlock the whole place?

Should have used the Fosse Way

There's a perfectly good railway, & (albeit a bit slow, & you have to provide your own boat) a canal.

[Morrisette]

I really do wish they would announce these special days in advance, then I could prepare myself (with body armour, an 'airzound', and full-body hi-viz) for:

National Drive Like A Tw*t Day

I heard when it was Apple Day, I heard about Bike Week, but no mention of yesterday's designation made it onto the radar. Maybe it was only announced on car radio. It certainly was announced, otherwise there could be no reason for the following events:

A mangled bike, a man lying in the road next to a pedestrian crossing, surrounded by people, blue flashing lights - nasty. Another tw*t in another bloody car RUNNING THE LIGHT AT THE SAME CROSSING and nearly giving the paramedics two for the price of one.

Me and four other people: crossing the road at a 'toucan' crossing. You: turning right out of the gates of a PRIMARY SCHOOL STRAIGHT ACROSS THE RED LIGHT. Don't shout at me to get off the crossing on my bike you stupid b*tch! You'd be looking where you were going if we were all on foot, would you? You'd use the mirror to look behind you rather than using it to check your make-up? You are driving out of a PRIMARY SCHOOL and running a light on the school's own crossing! Yes I will shout! You are lucky you didn't plough into half of your reception class, FFS wake up and look where you're going!

[Regulator]

I really do wish they would announce these special days in advance, then I could prepare myself (with body armour, an 'airzound', and full-body hi-viz) for:

National Drive Like A Tw*t Day

Is it?  I thought it was National Drive Whilst on Your Hand Held Mobile Phone Day today, if my commute in was anything to go by.

And National Police Officer* Ignoring Somebody Pointing out the Multiple Drivers Stopped in Front of Them Who Are Driving Whilst on Hand Held Mobile Phones Day...  





*I have your number, Sonny Jim, and shall be complaining.

[Jacomus]

Right, Mr Twatonnabike, although some deity swooped in and ensured that you received appropriate comeuppance for your incredible twatishness, deities can't get it 100% right 100% of the time (or so I'm told, they are very busy intervening in all sorts of situations).

Upon hearing a Very Loud Siren wailing, seeing lots of bright blue lights flashing and hearing the Uber-Horn blaring of not one, but two, fire engines hurtling towards the junction, preceded by a flashing and wailing Police motorbike - what was your reaction?

Yes... it was to attempt to RLJ the junction between the motorbike and the fire engines, from your stationary position, just because EVERYBODY ELSE was being sensible and not moving until the fire engines had passed. When you realised that you were not going to make it and had two fire engines attempting e-stops at the same time, in the middle of the junction, you sensibly attempted your own. Except you couldn't get that right either, resulting in an over the handlebars dismount.

The fire engines shot off, leaving you to hobble to the side of the road. For once, a WVM screaming "CAN'T!" at you as he drove past was entirely reasonable.

Your lesson for the day...

When you identify a vehicle making Woo-Woo-nee-naaw-nee-naaw-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP noises that has pretty blue lights flashing away at retina searing brightness, you should not be a twat. Instead just keep out of their way. K?

[clarion]

London drivers standard response to blue light flashing: Zero.

London drivers standard response to someone pulling over because they see an ambulance haring down the road towards them because no one on the other side of the road has the sense to get out of the way: 'Ah, I can squeeze past there'.  Well, I hope that the person in the back of that ambulance that was very keen to get to St Georges in a hurry could survive an emergency stop. 

I HATE selfish bastards.

[citoyen]

Silver Mercedes CY55 OKK, turning right from Borough High Street into Southwark Street at about 9.30 this morning. The light was already on amber when the coach in front of you went through the junction, and it was well and truly red by the time you reached the line.

By the time you crossed the line, the lights for traffic going north on Borough High Street had already turned green, and the traffic had started moving off.

This reckless, illegal manoeuvre would be annoying enough but what really got me hopping was the fact that you nearly broadsided a cyclist, who was forced to take evasive action and nearly fell off her bike as a result.

And what did you achieve through your idiocy? Fuck all, that's what. You were turning right into Borough Market just a few metres further down the road, but your progress was blocked by the law-abiding traffic on Southwark Street that had chosen to wait patiently at the lights. You were still waiting to turn right when the lights you'd jumped turned green again and I rode past you.

What an abso-fucking-lute moron.

d.

[citoyen]

London drivers standard response to blue light flashing: Zero.
...
I HATE selfish bastards.

+1

I've seen far too much of that kind of thing on the roads of late - but not just in London. 

[citoyen]

Judgmental, sanctimonious prick of a colleague, just go the fuck away. If I choose to wear a poppy, I will do so on Remembrance Day itself, not for the three weeks leading up to it. Or shall we put the Christmas decorations up and get some Easter eggs in while we're at it?

Besides, whether or not I choose to wear one, don't forget that it is my choice. If you want to put it in those terms, this is exactly the kind of freedom of choice that people died in wars to protect.

And just don't judge me anyway. What charities I choose to support, and how I choose to support them, is my business and mine alone.

So just fuck off, OK?

d.

[Mr Larrington]

And it came to pass that Moses did once more go unto the mountain, and there did he ascend, that he might be closer to the LORD, and that he might be free from the fearful row that his homies were making around the camp fire.

And Moses did fall to his kness, and did cry out unto the LORD.

And the LORD spake, and said: Stay away from me, thou maniac, else I shall smite thee with a restraining order, which shall be enforced with thunderbolts and lightning which, as any fule kno, are very very frightening meeeee!

And Moses spake unto the LORD, saying: Srsly, LORD, I seek thy advice, for there is trouble among the Israelites, and the Ammonites, and the Midianites, and the Simmonites, and the Canaanites, and the Jacobites, and the Levites, and the Trilobites, and the Ishmaelites, and the Sodomites, and the Adnanites, and the Megabytes, and the Qahtanites, and the Cheesibites, and the

And the LORD did interrupt Moses, and did say: Get to the point, thou beardy twatbasket, for I have not all day.

And Moses said: It hath come to pass that there be large numbers of carts upon the roads of thy Kingdom, and chariots, and those other things that I have forgotten the name of, memory like a sieve, me, forget mine own name next, eh, but anyway, there is a great multitude of them.  And every day they are smiting each other with great force, and everyone is suffering as a result.  So I was wondering, O LORD, whether thou hast any suggestions as to how this state of affairs might be improved, for I am but a thick-o in thy sight.

And the LORD did scratch His head, and did ponder for a bit, and said unto Moses: Hast thou thy hammer, and thy chisel?

And Moses replied unto the LORD, saying: Yes, Guv, right here in mine rucksack.

And the LORD said: Right, this may take some time, so I hope thou entertaineth no plans for any begetting this evening.  And the LORD said: These are the laws that shall govern thy carts, and thy chariots, and those other things, the name of which thou hast forgotten, and thou shalt inscribe these laws with thy hammer, and thy chisel, upon thy tablets wrought from stone, and thou shalt refer to them as "The Highway Code".

And the LORD spake for quite a while, and the arms of Moses did grow tired, for there was much hammering and, moreover, chiselling.

And finally the LORD did fall silent, and He did look upon His work, and He saw that it was good.

And the LORD spake once more unto Moses, and said: Read thou back to Me the first bit of section 185, wouldst thou?

And Moses read, and said: Give thou priority unto traffic approaching from thy right, unless thou art directed otherwise by signs, road markings, traffic lights or the LORD.  Give thou not priority unto traffic approaching from thy left, nor shalt thou give priority unto traffic approaching from above, unless they be flights of holy seraphim and cherubim.  And drive thou over traffic approaching from below, for such traffic is the traffic of the devil, and is naughty in the sight of the LORD and should be utterly smashed in and done away with.

And the LORD said: Yep, that sounds right.  And He did instruct Moses to return unto his homies, and instruct them in the rules as laid down by the LORD.

And then did the LORD go unto the pub.

And yea, and verily, Moses did return unto his homies, and the homies spake, and said among themselves: Fuck me, it's Burt Lancaster, tee hee hee.

And Moses did speak, saying: Shut thou thy gobs, and put thou down thy BEER, and listen thou unto me.  And he did instruct the homies in the word of the LORD, and the homies did all agree that it made sense, and did resolve to obey the word of the LORD, that they might protect their children, and their children's children, and their children's children's children, and their no-claims bonuses.

And that, Mr A Twatinbiglorry, is why did I sound mine horn, and did make unto thee vulgar gestures and did call thee a "stupid fucking wanker".

Here endeth the lesson.

[clarion]

That'll be Post of the Day in my book

[citoyen]

Here endeth the lesson.

Top quality ranting, Mr L. After a shit start to the day, that's properly cheered me up. 

d.

[woollypigs]

When you identify a vehicle making Woo-Woo-nee-naaw-nee-naaw-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP noises that has pretty blue lights flashing away at retina searing brightness, you should not be a twat. Instead just keep out of their way. K?

Ah, I wonder if that is the reason why I always get a nod and a smile from these vehicles when they pass me pulled over to the side of the road. I even had cars moan at me because I block them when a emergency vehicle is coming by, because I have seen or hear it way before they have.  

Honestly, if someone gets hit by said emergency vehicle it is there own fault. Simply because how can you not see or hear that and every one knows (I hope) that you get out of the way when see/hear one.