audaxspotting (inevitably)

[JStone]

Check out the eyelines ...

ok, but it was stupid o'clock, long way to go and a dire weather forecast - I needed the jam fix 

[border-rider]

I know.  There'd be a slight feeling of nervousness in that gathering, I'd think

Good to see you here, John.

[Greenbank]

AndyS has a good thousand yard stare going on too...

[aidan.f]

And a nice fashionable Gilet...

[rogerzilla]

There are some truly nasty gilets in those photos 

[Hummers]

Choose life.  Choose audaxing.  Choose mudguards.  Choose Brooks.  Choose a fucking big saddlebag, choose a map trap, choose route sheets, choose XR, RB, S/O and dynamos.  Choose rain, wind, sleet and snow.  Choose the only type of bike that never gets stolen.  Choose Sudocrem.  Choose a lucky hat and a gilet that went out of fashion in the 1980s.  Choose flapjacks in a range of fucking flavours.  Choose a 600 and wonder what the fuck you're doing up a Welsh mountain in the dark.  Choose sitting in a village hall trying not to make eye contact with your mind-numbing, spirit crushing fellow riders, drinking orange juice out of a Tetrapak.  Choose rotting away at the end of it all, babbling about the 50/50 rule in some urine-soaked bus shelter, nothing more than an embarrassment to the fucking sportives they spawned to replace you.

Choose your future.  Choose audaxing.

I chose something else...

H

[border-rider]

You chose to look alarmingly like Rob Brydon in that photo.

[Hummers]

You chose to look alarmingly like Rob Brydon in that photo.

Well, whatever next?

I won't lie to you Mal, you're not the first to say that.

Uncle Bryn

[nuttycyclist]

I really laughed the first time I saw it, but after thought and re-reading, especially from a non-audaxer point of view, the shine has gone.




So, the challenge...


Instead of Rogerzilla's excellent words, rewrite them so that they convey the same meaning to a work colleague who considers a 1 mile commute too far to cycle and so knows nothing of sudocreme, village halls, nor of what "a 600" refers to.

[rogerzilla]

However I don't think I would want to wear such sentiments on my sleeve or indeed to have them screen printed on my chest.

And nor would I, FWIW.  My mother wouldn't like it 

This is actually the third in an very occasional series which started with Fixiespotting and Commuterspotting.

[Julian]

However I don't think I would want to wear such sentiments on my sleeve or indeed to have them screen printed on my chest.

Me neither - it would be a bit small on the sleeve and a bit lumpy on the chest, making it difficult to read (along with the usual social problems that readable print on a gel's chest provides to both reader and wearer.)

You're right:  the best place to have it would probably be on the back.

[MattH]

Me neither - it would be a bit small on the sleeve and a bit lumpy on the chest, making it difficult to read (along with the usual social problems that readable print on a gel's chest provides to both reader and wearer.)

What's the problem with that? Far better than reading "dhb" on some blokes rump for hours on end.

[ChrisO]

Good to see the spirit of Thomas Bowdler is alive and well and surviving on Soreen, tinned peaches and rice pudding.

[Hot Flatus]

  and put audaxing back years as a form of cycle sport, sorry but you are totally out of order albeit IMHO.

Well, let's face it... it wouldn't have to be many to put it back before the invention of the bicycle 

Arf!

I think I may be partly responsible for the myth of ocular-avoidance on audax that is mentioned in Roger's excellent parody. I wrote about it on acf after my first experience of audax in 2006 (the one where I realised what the AU in audax stood for  ) 

Actually, its not a myth, but only if you hang out at the back of an audax with all the weirdoes.

[Charlotte]

However I don't think I would want to wear such sentiments on my sleeve or indeed to have them screen printed on my chest.

Fair enough, nobody's forcing you.

That would be crude, pretty base and put audaxing back years as a form of cycle sport, sorry but you are totally out of order albeit IMHO.

Maybe you could propose a motion at the AGM   

There's already a fixiespotting spokecard - a rather nice laminated number, as modeled by a variety of BCM riders last weekend.



I was thinking about going into production and selling them in aid of Liz's TRAT fundraising.  Say, about £3 posted?

Problem is, spoke cards are right for the urban fixer, but audaxers might balk at the thought of them, I dunno.   So what about T shirts?  Posters, maybe?  Or mugs?

[SandyV]

Mugs for sale at LEL?  I'd bring some back to Australia! (Change the location and it all sounds pretty recognisable - except for the 50/50 rule - don't know about that)

It made me laugh out loud 

[mattc]

Problem is, spoke cards are right for the urban fixer, but audaxers might balk at the thought of them, I dunno.

Can you fashion a tyre boot from one?

[Chris N]

There's already a fixiespotting spokecard - a rather nice laminated number, as modeled by a variety of BCM riders last weekend.

I've taken mine off, as I'm not that keen on them, but it was quite good fun watching the shadow of the card moving round fast-slow-fast-slow when climbing up out of Newtown.

[geraldc]

To get the humour you need to have audaxed and seen Trainspotting, that's going to be an alarmingly small proportion of audaxers.

That being said, I think Lust for Life at ear splitting volumes would make very suitable background music for any arrivee.

[Greenbank]

I really laughed the first time I saw it, but after thought and re-reading, especially from a non-audaxer point of view, the shine has gone.

Like most parodies, the first is usually very funny, the second has to be much more clever to get the same effect, the following 3 billion just become very wearing. Hollywood sequel syndrome.

So, the challenge...

Instead of Rogerzilla's excellent words, rewrite them so that they convey the same meaning to a work colleague who considers a 1 mile commute too far to cycle and so knows nothing of sudocreme, village halls, nor of what "a 600" refers to.

Hasn't that already been done with the commuterspotting version?

[Greenbank]

There's already a fixiespotting spokecard - a rather nice laminated number, as modeled by a variety of BCM riders last weekend.

I've taken mine off, as I'm not that keen on them, but it was quite good fun watching the shadow of the card moving round fast-slow-fast-slow when climbing up out of Newtown.

Same here, but if they're going to be sold for TRAT then I'll happily donate the cash for mine.

[Andrij]

This is actually the third in an very occasional series which started with Fixiespotting and Commuterspotting.

My google-fu is failing me.  Can anyone provide a link to Commuterspotting?

[Greenbank]

My google-fu is failing me.  Can anyone provide a link to Commuterspotting?

Google probably won't help since it's an image.

This is actually the third in an very occasional series which started with Fixiespotting and Commuterspotting.

Rogerzilla is the man to ask...

[JayP]

I remember a TV play from years ago about an early English cricket team in Australia. The Captain went to the Aussie changing room to complain about someone on the pitch calling him a bastard. The guy who answered the door listened and then turned to his team mates and said,
“OK Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?

The point is that repeatedly swearing can be funny. But you can’t milk it. I see from the fixiespotting photo that Rogerzilla has just paraphrased an original. I didn’t get that to begin with. So the three fucks are generic ie mandatory. I agree with Greenbank’s Hollywood sequel point.

But sticking funny things in peeps spokes at £3 a time is a good fund raising idea. I tried to get my club mates into witty mud flaps. I had one which said
            THIS BIKE
            Designed by a genius
            Built by a craftsman
            Ridden by a TWAT
Didn’t work tho’. Couldn’t think of any really funny follow ups – any suggestions?
Why not get Mrs MILES to write the spoke things. She can be hilarious just using dictionary English and she knows loads about urine soaked bus shelters.

[iddu]

There you go

Right....I'm up for this.

Same blue as "Scotland Cycle jersey"" at clicky, plain shirt with overlaid image as depicted - no faffing please.  Maxed size front & rear, so about 15cm square image?

Jersey (~£32+p&p) or Jacket (~£45+p&p), subject to quantities. MIN ORDER 15 (of each text type) REQD - I count expression of interest for 8 Audax & 1 Fixie in the thread so far...

Sizes: S (34"-36" chest), M (36"-38"), L (38"-40"), XL (40"-42") & XXL (42"-44") - anything more, I'll need to ask.

You can have "Fixiespotting", or, in deference to RZ's mum, the (cleaned) "Audaxspotting" as below, subject to relevant quantities being reached.

If there's enough interest, I'll order next Fri.

P.

(Tarted text)
Choose life.  Choose audaxing.  Choose mudguards.  Choose Brooks.  Choose a 'ucking big saddlebag, choose a map trap, choose route sheets, choose XR, RB, S/O and dynamos.  Choose rain, wind, sleet and snow.  Choose the only type of bike that never gets stolen.  Choose Sudocrem.  Choose a lucky hat and a gilet that went out of fashion in the 1980s.  Choose flapjacks in a range of strange chemical flavours.  Choose a 600 and wonder what the hell you're doing up a Welsh mountain in the dark.  Choose sitting in a village hall trying not to make eye contact with your mind-numbing, spirit crushing fellow riders, drinking orange juice out of a Tetrapak.  Choose rotting away at the end of it all, babbling about the 50/50 rule in some urine-soaked bus shelter, nothing more than an embarrassment to the farking sportives they spawned to replace you.