Author Topic: ACME Miscellany  (Read 517674 times)

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4400 on: 14 April, 2021, 12:21:28 pm »
I'm getting my first stabbing tomorrow. Going all the way to Colchester....

Look out, I think that's where 'fandango's been working!

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4401 on: 14 April, 2021, 12:25:42 pm »
I'm getting my first stabbing tomorrow. Going all the way to Colchester....

Look out, I think that's where 'fandango's been working!

Have you seen him in his nurses uniform yet?

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4402 on: 14 April, 2021, 12:30:55 pm »
I'm getting my first stabbing tomorrow. Going all the way to Colchester....

Look out, I think that's where 'fandango's been working!

Have you seen him in his nurses uniform yet?

No but I'd love to.  I bet a nurse's uniform accentuates his pert buttocks!

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4403 on: 14 April, 2021, 12:34:50 pm »
I'm getting my first stabbing tomorrow. Going all the way to Colchester....

Look out, I think that's where 'fandango's been working!

Oh! I hope I get pricked by Carlos
Those wonderful norks are never far from my thoughts, oh yeah!

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4404 on: 14 April, 2021, 12:46:14 pm »
I'm getting my first stabbing tomorrow. Going all the way to Colchester....

Look out, I think that's where 'fandango's been working!

Oh! I hope I get pricked by Carlos

You won’t feel a thing

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4405 on: 14 April, 2021, 01:14:51 pm »
I'm getting my first stabbing tomorrow. Going all the way to Colchester....

Look out, I think that's where 'fandango's been working!

Oh! I hope I get pricked by Carlos

Wouldn't that be fantastic!  You might get a special edition sticker!

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4406 on: 15 April, 2021, 11:32:43 am »
Chasing the Brock

It will take a while to get back in the swing of Wednesday nights.  When a badger is keeping up with you along a flat lane, you know you are doing something wrong.

For instance, I now remember beer is not food (even if we do have dessert - see below).  Cycling home into a slight headwind when your last solid food was nearly 12 hours ago is going to be slow and you will be back much later than you thought.

Some things remain reassuringly constant though so I turned up at the Spiritual Home last night nearly half an hour late.

There were a couple of groups of cyclists already at tables in the external covered service area - including one particularly loud lot who seemed to be celebrating some old guy's birthday.  I joined me old DJ mate Joergen who was sitting with Mrs Jaber.  We were soon joined by Oaky, Hotblack and a skinny looking redneck guy who brought his own beer with him !

We were sitting below one of the newly-installed infra-red heaters but it was still cold.  Cold enough for as many layers as you could fit in your saddlebag.  Hotblack was pretty much set up for 5 bag touring but had limited space due to lugging around an enormous carry out, various tools and (as you would) a wheel truing stand.  Of course, with so many layers on, Oaky, Joergen and I looked like we might have put on some weight over lockdown but even we finely honed athletes look bigger when we have half a dozen layers on.

It didn't take long for the conversation to reach its normal mix of inanity, profundity and cycling chat and we even shouted across to the other groups of cyclists occasionally.  It was just really good to be able to catch up with people.

Almost as great a delight was being able to sample some well kept ales.  Bottled and canned beers are all well and good but there is only so much American Citrus IPA that a man can stand and so much of what you can buy seems to be a variation on that theme.  We sampled Ridleys Rite, Ridley's Heresy, Crouch Vale Brewers' Gold and our favourite dessert; Mighty Oak Oscar Wilde Mild.  In the absence of the Hustler, Oaky and I were able to draft in the office junior to assist with our deliberations.  Whilst the Ridley's Rite was particularly good last night, the Quaffers' Choice Award went to the Mild - that's the sort of ale you can only really and truly savour in a pint glass in a pub, bliss.

Somehow or other we made it through to closing time and what Oaky dubbed the "Shackleton Expeditionary Group" (which somehow seemed to include Tomsk and Grey Sheep who materialised from somewhere) assembled to brave the wintery ride home.  We hadn't quite eaten the horses by the time we diverged at Witham but it was plenty cold enough.  What did keep us warm was trying to vaguely keep up with Hotblack despite him slowing down to a crawl for us at various times.  It took Oaky a while to realise what was happening but it was the obvious explanation - we weren't slow and unfit, Hotblack was riding an electric bike.  We later concluded that possibly not only was he riding an electric bike but both of us were suffering from severe but intermittent brake rub that only seemed to happen on upward gradients - it really has got more hilly round there.

All too soon I was on my own cycling along Witham high street and contemplating a long ride in the cold.  Normally that is one of the unexpected pleasures of a Wednesday evening; quiet roads, clear skies and silence but that doesn't hold quite so true when it is 2 below zero, you are carrying layers of clothing, hats etc and you are completely spent (lack of food not fitness of course).    At least the racing badger enjoyed himself.  It was almost 2 before I was back offshore.

Now I can't wait until next time.
The pleasure of pain endured
To purify our misfit ways

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4407 on: 15 April, 2021, 05:31:16 pm »
I'm looking forward to us all being to mingle in one big group rather having to shout abuse from table to table.  This time will come again.

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4408 on: 15 April, 2021, 06:13:42 pm »
I've missed these reports of our Wednesday nights. They very rarely correspond to any of my recollections of the experience itself, but such a delightful turn of phrase.
Turn, turn, turn again
Turn, turn to the rain
And the wind

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4409 on: 15 April, 2021, 07:01:00 pm »
He isn't called The Bard for nothing!

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4410 on: 15 April, 2021, 09:24:35 pm »
Chasing the Brock

It will take a while to get back in the swing of Wednesday nights.  When a badger is keeping up with you along a flat lane, you know you are doing something wrong.

For instance, I now remember beer is not food (even if we do have dessert - see below).  Cycling home into a slight headwind when your last solid food was nearly 12 hours ago is going to be slow and you will be back much later than you thought.

Some things remain reassuringly constant though so I turned up at the Spiritual Home last night nearly half an hour late.

There were a couple of groups of cyclists already at tables in the external covered service area - including one particularly loud lot who seemed to be celebrating some old guy's birthday.  I joined me old DJ mate Joergen who was sitting with Mrs Jaber.  We were soon joined by Oaky, Hotblack and a skinny looking redneck guy who brought his own beer with him !

We were sitting below one of the newly-installed infra-red heaters but it was still cold.  Cold enough for as many layers as you could fit in your saddlebag.  Hotblack was pretty much set up for 5 bag touring but had limited space due to lugging around an enormous carry out, various tools and (as you would) a wheel truing stand.  Of course, with so many layers on, Oaky, Joergen and I looked like we might have put on some weight over lockdown but even we finely honed athletes look bigger when we have half a dozen layers on.

It didn't take long for the conversation to reach its normal mix of inanity, profundity and cycling chat and we even shouted across to the other groups of cyclists occasionally.  It was just really good to be able to catch up with people.

Almost as great a delight was being able to sample some well kept ales.  Bottled and canned beers are all well and good but there is only so much American Citrus IPA that a man can stand and so much of what you can buy seems to be a variation on that theme.  We sampled Ridleys Rite, Ridley's Heresy, Crouch Vale Brewers' Gold and our favourite dessert; Mighty Oak Oscar Wilde Mild.  In the absence of the Hustler, Oaky and I were able to draft in the office junior to assist with our deliberations.  Whilst the Ridley's Rite was particularly good last night, the Quaffers' Choice Award went to the Mild - that's the sort of ale you can only really and truly savour in a pint glass in a pub, bliss.

Somehow or other we made it through to closing time and what Oaky dubbed the "Shackleton Expeditionary Group" (which somehow seemed to include Tomsk and Grey Sheep who materialised from somewhere) assembled to brave the wintery ride home.  We hadn't quite eaten the horses by the time we diverged at Witham but it was plenty cold enough.  What did keep us warm was trying to vaguely keep up with Hotblack despite him slowing down to a crawl for us at various times.  It took Oaky a while to realise what was happening but it was the obvious explanation - we weren't slow and unfit, Hotblack was riding an electric bike.  We later concluded that possibly not only was he riding an electric bike but both of us were suffering from severe but intermittent brake rub that only seemed to happen on upward gradients - it really has got more hilly round there.

All too soon I was on my own cycling along Witham high street and contemplating a long ride in the cold.  Normally that is one of the unexpected pleasures of a Wednesday evening; quiet roads, clear skies and silence but that doesn't hold quite so true when it is 2 below zero, you are carrying layers of clothing, hats etc and you are completely spent (lack of food not fitness of course).    At least the racing badger enjoyed himself.  It was almost 2 before I was back offshore.

Now I can't wait until next time.

Great write up Ted. I too have missed your words of wisdom, winsome or something beginning with "w". I am very glad that you didn't mention anything about me and the missus not riding out to last night's event, nobody will have guessed.

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4411 on: 15 April, 2021, 10:35:35 pm »
I won't tell anyone.

Anyway, Mrs Maniac is saving herself for the Woodman's Daughter.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk

The pleasure of pain endured
To purify our misfit ways

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4412 on: 16 April, 2021, 08:50:47 am »
Anyway, Mrs Maniac is saving herself for the Woodman's Daughter.

Blimey!  Is it appropriate for my mind to boggle just a little bit?

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4413 on: 16 April, 2021, 10:04:56 am »
I am going to ride the Woodman's Daughter as well.

AndyC333333333333 is a bit more adventurous, he is going to ride the Woodman.
The pleasure of pain endured
To purify our misfit ways

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4414 on: 16 April, 2021, 10:27:35 am »
I am going to ride the Woodman's Daughter as well.

AndyC333333333333 is a bit more adventurous, he is going to ride the Woodman.

I've no idea what's going on here.  Life was simpler when we were all in lockdown, I'm not sure I can cope anymore!

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4415 on: 16 April, 2021, 10:35:55 am »
You could do the Woodman's Daughter with me.   Tomsk said there was space.
The pleasure of pain endured
To purify our misfit ways

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4416 on: 16 April, 2021, 12:00:39 pm »
You could do the Woodman's Daughter with me.   Tomsk said there was space.

No thanks  :-*

Andy C33

  • Beverage Procurement Officer.
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4417 on: 16 April, 2021, 12:13:39 pm »


AndyC333333333333 is a bit more adventurous, he is going to ride the Woodman.



Who I do and don’t ride is a personal matter  thank you very much 🤔

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4418 on: 16 April, 2021, 08:22:06 pm »
The woodmans daughter sounds very accommodating 😀 :demon:
the slower you go the more you see

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4419 on: 22 April, 2021, 10:35:06 am »
Maisha Marefu !

It all started out so well.  I intercepted the famous Witham Peloton at Terling Road and then desperately tried to keep up as they swept towards the Spiritual Home in their usual close formation - it's amazing what a bit of enthusiasm about the destiination does for their speed.

For once then, I was there on time and possibly even early.

We were soon joined by the rest of our party and there were a couple of other tables of cyclists - one group looked very familiar and included the brother the Hairy Bikers don't like to mention and an audax legend (whom I was avoiding, having had to withdraw from the Woodman's Daughter prematurely).  The other group consisted of a nice old boy who seemed to have brought his "niece" and his grandson out with him.

My "six" comprised the Hustler, the other bit of Jemango, OD, Hotblack and, latterly, Bobb - ie not one but two special appearances.  Topics ranged from the Mid-Essex Golf Society to estate agents of North London in the 1980s via art house cinema.  Carlos also entertained us with tales of his budding career as a cone removal operative.  He promised to keep us informed of his approximate whereabouts so we coiuld all plan our journeys accordingly - Ipswich this week.

Carlos was also honoured with co-option to the Quaffers' Choice Committee - OD having been banned many years ago and Hotblack not eligible for reasons that nobody can remember.  We sampled Ridleys Rite, Yakima Gold, Essex Boys and, for dessert, Oscar Wilde Mild.  They were all excellent but the Yakima Gold took the coveted award - or at least so we thought.  It's not often that we invoke Rule 74(a) of the Quaffers' Convention but extreme measures (geddit ?) call for special responses.  So it was that the Committee re-convened after the departure of the Hustler but with the addition (via satellite link) of the Office Junior.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  Why the Rule 74(a) meeting you ask ?  You will recall that last week I was joined by a young redneck guy who had brought his own beer with him and had generally made himself at home.  Well, he was back this week and this time he had brought his own bottle of Ugandan Waragi.  It would have been rude to refuse and it would have been unthinkable not to reverse our earlier decision and declare it the Quaffers' Choice (Rule 103(a)(iv) - at the discretion of the Committee non-ale products may be presented for judging where such products can be shown to have special or unique characteristics).

It was definitely warmer in the Outdoor Service Area this week as it was really the North Easterly Wind that was bringing the temperature outside down.  It soon dawned on Carlos and me that we were riding north easterly all the way home, what joy.  Carlos and I promised each other we would not rush off and leave the other man behind (well Carlos mainly, we thought it was pretty unlikely to be the other way around).  Not long into our great trek home, that promise was to be tested and it was me who was fouind wanting.  I admit to being slightly pleased with myself when I realised I had crested the first berg ahead of the great man.  I even decided to wait for him to rub it in a bit.  It took me a couple of minutes to realise that the now fading headlight behind me was not moving.  Back I went (not all the way back obviously, I wasn't riding up that beast twice).  Disaster had struck Carlos, his freewheel had disengaged on the climb and he now had uselessly spinning pedals.  I like to think I am just the man to have on hand in a crisis but that north easterly was cold and stopping so early hadn't helped me build up much heat - so I said my farewells and left him.  Carlos, by now sounding like a modern day Captain Oates, had assured me it was "but a short walk" back to his beloved's in Witham (it was about 9 miles).  Meanwhile, I was too busy clipping back in to think of suggesting a taxi.  If anyone happens to be driving between Witham and Littley Green today, I am sure he would be grateful for a lift for the last stretch.  I would have done it but I had this report to write.

After that I had an uneventful and enjoyable ride home with the occasional pang of guilt about abandoning Carlos in his hour of need.  By now the wind had abated to annoying and although the Garmin showed -1, it did not feel that cold as I crawled along the empty roads.  Another late homecoming though.  Next week, somewhere a bit more local to me and with a shorter walk home for Carlos is the order of the day.
The pleasure of pain endured
To purify our misfit ways

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4420 on: 22 April, 2021, 10:47:56 am »
I'm sure Carlos was fine. Probably just dropped some acid and miraculously found his way home. No doubt having encountered many scarecrows along the way...
Those wonderful norks are never far from my thoughts, oh yeah!

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4421 on: 22 April, 2021, 10:54:30 am »
I forgot about his acid audax  - but then you and I weren't actually there, it was all the windmills of his mind.
The pleasure of pain endured
To purify our misfit ways

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4422 on: 22 April, 2021, 11:18:17 am »
Top notch write up as always.

I have to say I was rather disappointed with our bobb in so much that he was insistent on knowing the truth of Andy C333333's career as a pron star.  For many a year our motto on a Wednesday evening has been "never let facts get in the way of a good story" and all bobb achieved was to blow the doors off our pretense that Andy C333333333333333333333 is a bona fide pron star and a gay one to boot.  What's the poor chap to do now?  Granted he is still the Beer Bitch and can knock of a smashing cycling cap but his existence is going to be rather more hollow going forward.  Let's hope we can make up another load of bollocks about him pretty damn soon!

Next week... I would be up for a more "ted friendly" location, any thoughts?  That's the beauty of living in Shitham, we're right in the middle of Mid-Essex so any point of the compass works for us  :thumbsup:

Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4423 on: 22 April, 2021, 11:21:41 am »
Swan at Totham next week.  We will need to sound them out in case any other groups of cyclists also want to attend coincidentally on the same night at the same time.

We both know Mr Diggler was just being modest when he was speaking to Bobb, the truth is only what we make it.
The pleasure of pain endured
To purify our misfit ways

Oscar's dad

  • aka Septimus Fitzwilliam Beauregard Partridge
Re: ACME Miscellany
« Reply #4424 on: 22 April, 2021, 11:29:18 am »
Swan at Totham next week. 

 :thumbsup:

... We will need to sound them out in case any other groups of cyclists also want to attend coincidentally on the same night at the same time.

When you say "we" do you mean you'll phone them?  Or perhaps get one of your team to do so?