G Imlach: | O hai! And o hai 2 TV’s Nice C Boardman! |
NC Boardman: | O hai! C Froome may keep teh shinyjumper all teh way 2 Paris. Or not. |
G Imlach: | Thank u Nice C Boardman! (Aside…) Idiot! |
D Friebe: | O hai! I haz here G Thomas who haz not teh shinyjumper any more. |
G Thomas: | Thank u Wooden D Friebe1! (Aside…) Idiot! |
N Boulting: | O hai! Welcome 2 a flat stage with a futile break and a sprint finish. Jacques Brel! |
| Musical interlude… |
N Boulting: | What do u think of that, eh, Super D? |
SD Millar: | |
Bethany (7): | I wish I’d said that! |
| Later… |
C Prudhomme: | OK, bored now. Off u fck! |
N Boulting: | And off goes teh futile break! It’s going 2 be a long day 4 them. |
SD Millar: | Not only 4 them either! (Sighs) Iz lunchtime yet, ***? |
N Boulting: | No. First it iz tiem 4 teh human antidote 2 teh Tower ov Babel, TV’s M Rendall! |
M Rendall: | Molto gedankies, ***! Vesoul Fred blong ladri di onkel sportive barnacle! Adolphe Saxophone en los frontière von estrella lá! Fefefefefe! Jacques Brel! |
N Boulting, SD Millar & Bethany (7): | What did he just say? |
M Smith: | O hai today I am joined. In mi cupboard by M Rogers. |
M Rogers: | Er, blah and, moreover, blah! Errm. |
Bethany (7): | Soddez çela pour une alouette! I’m off 2 teh park 2 watch teh Machmen meet teh machines and play ‘Kill By Numbers’, with mi friend 5. Txt me if anything happens! |
M Smith: | Why aren’t you @ school young. Lady? |
Bethany (7): | Piss off, grandad! |
| An interminable time later… |
N Boulting: | …and then me and mi Brompton got a lift down teh mountain from Greg Lemond! Which was nice. |
SD Millar: | |
Omnes: | We wish we’d said that! |
| What feels like teh middle of next week... |
N Boulting: | Flying buttresses? |
SD Millar: | Flying buttresses! Architecture! Morality! Ted & Alice! |
N Boulting: | Christ, I’m bored! M Rendall, historize us! |
M Rendall: | (Sings) This old man, he played trois, vive la France, la France c’est moi! Gimcrack governments, call me if u please, Columbey-les-deux-Églises! |
SD Millar: | Was that Jacques Brel, ***? |
N Boulting: | No. No, Super D, it was not. |
CD Gaulle: | Bof, u Ingleesh! |
N Farage: | He was right about one thing, though! |
Omnes: | Begone, u flap-eared tit-faced stubble-flecked gonk! |
Bethany (7): | This ^^^^. Mum! Mum! What’s 4 tea? |
Bethany’s Mum: | Where u bin, u little minx? I’ll give u tea orlrite! |
N Boulting: | Yikes! Sprint! |
S Colbrelli: | O hai! I, er, um, oh. Bugger! |
A Démare: | Yay! Go me! |
| Teh same millennium, but only just… |
N Boulting: | (Sings) John Kettley iz a weather man. And so iz Michael Fish Nice C Boardman! |
SD Millar: | Was that Jacques Brel? |
N Boulting: | FFS, Super D! |
NC Boardman: | It’s going 2 rain. Unless it doesn’t. |
N Boulting: | Thank u Nice C Boardman! (Aside…) Idiot! |
| 10 km from teh finish… |
ML Maire: | (Waking up) Oh. Did I miss anything? |
Bethany (7): | What do u think? |
| FX: Slap |
Bethany’s Mum: | Wot ‘ave I tole u abaht torkin’ 2 strangers? Go 2 ur room! |
Bethany (7): | Awwwwwww, Muuuum! |
M Kitteh: | O hai and, moreover, miaow! Win: I haz it! |
A Démare: | Arse! |
A Greipel: | Piss! |
SD Millar: | Same Stuffs 2morrow, eh, kids! |
Omnes: | |