| G Imlach: | O hai! And o hai 2 TV’s Nice C Boardman! Comment! |
| NC Boardman: | O hai! Teh race needs clearly defined areas ov doubt and uncertainty1! |
| G Imlach: | R-i-i-i-i-ght! TV’s D Friebe, tell us Stuffs! |
| D Friebe: | O hai! I, TV’s D Friebe, haz here snottyjumper-wearing hair model & fish-botherer M Kitteh. |
| M Kitteh: | O hai! I liek fish! Also, miaow! |
| D Friebe: | So can u pwn all teh remaining sprint sprint sprintEEEEs in teh race? |
| M Kitteh: | Yes. No. Miaow! |
| D Friebe: | Sometimes I hate this job! |
| N Boulting: | O h… mic.. ne… nt… |
| SD Millar: | And a happy birthday 2 u, ***! |
| N Boulting: | FdJ. Stupidz or what? |
| SD Millar: | More Stupidz than D Tяump after a dose ov liquid cosh. Rain. Reboot! |
| N Boulting: | France. Trés French. W Barguil. R Bardet. B Bargeld. T Barman! Trebles all round! Hic! |
| Bethany (7): | Isn’t it a bit early 4 that, ***? Super D, plz 2 keep him under control @ lunchtiem! U owe me, remember! |
| Shortly… |
| C Prudhomme: | OK. Off u fck! |
| Y Offredo: | O hai! I am Y Offredo and I am well weapon, me! But not weapon enuff 2 do 180 km on mi own! |
| É Gesbert: | O hai! I am É Gesbert and I am a firestarter. A twisted firestarter! I am in teh break 2 avoid teh pelican taking teh piss! |
| 800 Journalists: | FAIL – u haz it! World+Dog iz now doning teh lulz @ u, É Gesbert! |
| É Gesbert: | Piss! |
| K Flint: | It’s not funny! |
| Omnes: | Oh. Yes. It. Is! |
| In a bit… |
| SD Millar: | Châteaux! Citröens! Bored now! |
| N Boulting: | Indeed! Let us see what sumptuous repast Mine Host has prepared 4 us! Radio’s M Smith and ur hostage, do ur thing! |
| M Smith: | O hai TV’s M Smith 2 u and mi. Guest is T Pidcock who is an angry young. Man. |
| T Pidcock: | Say after me, M Smith, I must learn teh difference between “angry” and “cross”! |
| M Smith: | Unwritten rules etiquette assault attack M Rendall! |
| M Rendall: | Guten dio mihi tel koyaanikumquat! Reglorumque Arooooooo tischbein blong mŷn unaussprechlichen Külten! Quetzalcoatl og pingu? U bis de juge Robson Green! |
| Bethany (7): | M Rendall, plz 2 tell me; what colour is teh sky on ur home planet? |
| M Rendall: | Widgeon! |
| T Pidcock: | Jelly babies! |
| M Smith: | Tour de Yorkshire cobbles Hovis ha ha ha ha. Ha? |
| T Pidcock: | Eh? |
| Omnes: | That was shot in Dorset, u colossal bellend! |
| PM Moron: | U called? |
| Omnes: | No. No, we did not. F*uck off! |
| M Smith: | M Beaumont world eighty days Russia crashomatic 6000. |
| M Beaumont: | Ooh mi teefs! |
| Bethany (7): | Tell me about it! |
| Later… |
| N Boulting: | SD Millar is sulking again. NC Boardman, château! |
| NC Boardman: | Yes. Rubbish maze thobut. |
| N Boulting: | Vikings! |
| NC Boardman: | Caves! |
| N Boulting: | Caves? |
| NC Boardman: | Caves! |
| N Boulting: | Isn’t France brilliant? |
| Bethany (7): | Bit quiet, then? |
| NC Boardman: | Yes. Yes, it is. |
| N Boulting: | Etiquette! Toilet break! |
| NC Boardman: | Peer pressure! |
| Bethany (7): | I see what u did there, Niec C lol!!1! |
| SD Millar: | Aru! Teh Stupidz! It burns. Idiots. |
| N Farage: | Well I say it just goes 2 show that u can’t trust a FOREIGN! |
| Omnes: | Go away! |
| A good deal later… |
| N Boulting: | Château! England! France! Eleanor ov Aquitaine! |
| N Farage: | Unelected BureaucratTM, she was! |
| Omnes: | Can’t we get a restraining order slapped on that gobshite, FFS? |
| NC Boardman: | MischEEEvus! |
| SD Millar: | MisCHIvus! |
| N Boulting: | Call teh whole thing off? |
| NC Boardman & SD Millar: | Wisest thing u said all day, ***! |
| Down teh river… |
| N Boulting: | Sprint sprint sprintEEEE! Oh. That was a bit underwhelming! |
| A Greipel: | lol @ M Kitteh! |
| N Bouhanni: | Not interested. A Démare haz goned home. I hope hiz car breaks down! |
| M Kitteh: | lol @ M Matthews! Also, miaow! |
| Into teh closing overs… |
| N Boulting: | No rain. No wind. No fun! |
| SD Millar: | AS-TA-NA! STU-PID? OR WHAT? |
| N Boulting: | Yes, OK, Super D. U made ur point! |
| SD Millar: | (Sulks again…) |
| N Boulting: | Teh pelican is catching teh futile break. Oh, wait, they’re not! Or are they? OR ARE THEY? |
| SD Millar: | (Sighs) Yes, ***. Yes, they is. |
| N Boulting: | Yes, they did. Prepare 4 teh sprint sprint sprintEEEE! |
| EC Boardman: | There’ll be a crash, just u wait & see! Heheheheheheheh and, moreover, roffle! |
| M Kitteh: | C me bide mi tiem! |
| S Cummings: | Oi! That’s mi line! |
| M Kitteh: | Don’t knock it, it worked! Also, miaow! |
| A Greipel: | WTF? |
| EC Boardman: | (Sulks) |
| Bethany (7): | Meh! Mountains, SVP! |
