| NC Boardman: | C Froome… home & vigorously towelling himself off… |
| N Boulting: | C Prudhomme, y u never start teh race at teh appointed tiem? |
| C Prudhomme: | (Flaps arms) In my glider I’m teh Kadu Flyer! |
| Omnes: | Reefer madness, MOAR liek! |
| C Prudhomme: | OK, off u fck! |
| PT Voeckler: | O hai! I, P’tit T Voeckler, am on mi last Tour ov France. Plz 2 let me win on teh Col ov teh Ladeez ov teh Fabulous Hair! Bit ov teh old ooh la la, knoworrimean? |
| A Goldfrapp: | Oi! |
| Omnes: | U & C Prudhomme been kicking teh bong around, PT Voeckler? |
| PT Voeckler: | (Sulks) |
| TD Gendt: | O hai! Me, T ‘Racing Beast’ D Gendt, agane! 1 Break ov Futility, medium rare, with chips & mayonnaise, coming right up! |
| S Cummings: | O hai! Tiem? I iz biding it! |
| N Boulting: | E ‘Twisted Firestarter’ Gesbert iz in teh break! |
| ETF Gesbert: | FFS! Shut! Up! |
| SD Millar: | … effectively a split pelican! |
| N Lawson1: | Spatch. Cock. Mmmmmmmmm! |
| PT Voeckler: | He-lloooooooooo inna-Leslie-Phillips-stylee! |
| N Boulting: | T AS-TA-NA obvs haz teh cunning plan! |
| T Astana: | WE WILL EX-TER-MIN-ATE TEH PE-LI-CAN, STOP 4 AN ICE CREAM & LET F A-RU FCK IT UP ON HIS OWN! |
| J Birdsong (via email): | C!!1! I told u he was a git! Ooh, teh love iz bursting, bursting in me2! |
| P York: | O hai! Feed zone, PT Voeckler, swimming pool! |
| M Smith: | O hahahahaha swimming pools lol roffle hahaha! |
| Omnes: | Fck! Off! |
| Bethany (7): | O hai! I take it things are a bit quiet after teh initial mucking about, then? |
| G Imlach: | Indeed they are, Bethany (7), indeed they are. Would u liek a full-tiem job next year? |
| Bethany (7): | Only if u tell me everything u kno about mi Mum! |
| G Imlach: | Meet me via Snapchat after skool… |
| […] |
| ML Maire: | C Froome iz off teh back ov teh pelican and u useless gits are wibbling about La Course with R Gilmore! FFS! |
| M Smith: | He only stopped 4 a jimmy, u muppet! |
| R Gilmore: | Just coz u didn’t get up early enough 2 watch it, u lazy fckr! |
| ML Maire: | U haz caught me, R Gilmore, liek a Treen on a deflated spacehopper chiz3! |
| R Gilmore: | I rode l’Etape, u know! |
| JR Shand (via email): | BFD. U want a fish or something? |
| M Kitteh (via email): | Did u sa “Fish”? I liek fish! Also, miaow! |
| Omnes (via Twitter): | Back in ur cardboard box, M Kitteh! |
| [Rather later…] |
| NC Boardman: | Ooh, a boat! With wings! Want! |
| N Boulting: | L Calamityjane, TD Gendt, ect ect. |
| TD Gendt: | Spottypoints ect ect. |
| NC Boardman: | … and then they changed teh roolz about wheelz because hary doggie! |
| JJ Jarlinsson: | U met mi frend El Fenrîrø, NC Boardman? |
| NC Boardman: | Ulp! Niec doggie! |
| […] |
| 5: | Where’s SD Millar 2da? |
| Omnes: | Shopping 4 wankhats! |
| SD Millar: | Fck! Off! Your all gay! |
| [On teh Vars] |
| Bethany (7): | Still not very exciting, iz it? |
| SD Millar: | Gravity, eh? They even keep it on at weekends! |
| N Boulting: | No monster break by a GC contender this year chiz. Look, see, teh chimneys ov teh fairies! |
| TP Fairy: | I haz solar-powered central heating, thank u ***! |
| SD Millar: | Ooh! AG2R! R Bardet! Fight, fight! |
| N Boulting: | Oh yes! |
| P Roglic: | O hai! U kno wot I said about teh spottyjumper? Was lie! Crazy! |
| CP Sagan: | Mi lawyers will be in touch! |
| W Barguil: | Yay! Teh spottyjumper iz mine all mine. |
| Bethany (7): | \o/ (Does cheerleader act agane) |
| N Boulting & SD Millar: | Teh winner will come from teh break or teh pelican! |
| Omnes: | O RLY? |
| […] |
| JD Notapuma: | O hai! It would seme that when it come 2 descending I am this: a Rubbish! May I say “miaow” at this point? |
| M Kitteh: | No. No, u may not! |
| N Boulting: | Oooh, C Gautier! |
| J White: | Soz, ***, doesn’t scan. |
| T Gallopin: | O hai! Work, u dogs! |
| S Cummings: | It may look liek I iz biding mi tiem, but I iz not! |
| N Boulting: | Tailwind, no rain, should be teh fast descent off ov teh Izoard4! |
| Omnes: |  |
| […] |
| A Lutsenko: | Where iz everyone? MOAR 2 teh point, where TF iz F Aru? |
| E [“Poisonous term” – Ed.]ez: | Bai! |
| O Niceone: | Bai! |
| S Cummings: | Bai! |
| C Gautier: | Bai! |
| D Navarro, T Gallopin & JD Notapuma: | Bai, but in teh opposite direction! |
| N Boulting: | Tense, innit! |
| SD Millar: | (Sighs) Yes. Yes, it iz (Aside…) Idiot! |
| A Lutsenko: | Don’t leave me here! There’s BEARs and wolves, oh my! |
| JD Notapuma: | And not-pumas! Oh yes! |
| R Bardet: | C mi SEEKRIT weapon! O hai, J Bakelite! |
| T $ky: | O RLY? |
| [Meanwhile…] |
| JD Notapuma: | O hai, A Lutsenko! I hereby upgrade miself from “miaow” 2 “RAAAWWWRRR”! |
| J Alaphilippe: | U hold him, M Kitteh, while I hit him! |
| W Barguil: | O hai! Tiem 2 play! |
| Bethany (7): | w00t! |
| […] |
| D Martin: | O hai! Did sumwun say F Aru iz in trub? |
| F Aru: | U utter git, D Martin! |
| M Kwiatkowski: | Sometimes I hate this job! |
| M Landa: | OK, C Froome, hold mi BEER! |
| R Bardet: | Tiem 2 play! |
| C Froome: | I don’t think so, R Bardet! |
| R Urán: | Oi! Remember me? |
| […] |
| JD Notapuma: | U utter git, W Barguil! |
| W Barguil: | /o\ Just 4 teh change! |
| Bethany (7): | (Faints) |
| […] |
| R Bardet: | Sprint, sprint, sprintEEEE, only slower! Tiem bonus 4 meeeeeeeeee! |
| R Urán: | Piss! |
| M Landa: | LOL @ F Aru! |
| F Aru: | Aroooooo |
| W Barguil: | Crazy! |
| CP Sagan: | FFS! |
| […] |
| Bethany (7): | WHAT!!1! Ur havin’ teh giraffe, G Imlach! Aren’t u? |
| [End credits…] |
