G Imlach: | O hai! 4 teh last tiem I, TV’s G Imlach, sa a big “O hai” 2 all intelligent life forms everywhere & 2 everyone else out there, teh SEEKRIT is 2 bang teh rocks together, guys! |
NC Boardman: | O hai! I, TV’s Nice C Boardman, an knackrd! Marseille 2 Paris – whose idea dat? |
C Prudhomme: | LOL @ G Imlach & NC Boardman! We ov teh Ay Ess Oh haz teh private jet! |
G Imlach & NC Boardman: | U utter GIT, C Prudhomme!!1! |
| [After teh Photoshop…] |
S Yates: | O hai! I am S Yates and I am made ov teh Win! C Froome haz teh yellow biek, M Matthews haz teh green biek and W Barguil haz teh spotty biek! WHY I NOT HAZ TEH WHITE BIEK? IZ TEH NOT FAIR!!1! |
Omnes: | Oh grow up, u little squit! Hang on, didn’t we do this 1 last year? Also, u haz got a white biek! |
S Yates: | Oh yes, so I haz! |
N Boulting: | O hai! PT Voeckler, tiem-trial, all emotional. Awwwwwwww! |
SD Millar: | O hai! Kno teh feeling, Vuelta, M Rendall! |
EC Boardman: | U gr8 ponce, SD Millar! Mind u, meeting M Rendall enuff 2 maek ne1 cry LOL! |
SD Millar: | (Sulks) |
| [Quite a lot later...] |
Omnes: | Oi! C Prudhomme! Get on with it! |
C Prudhomme: | OK! Off u fck! |
N Boulting: | …and we iz joined by R Gilmore… |
Bethany (7): | Fck! Off! |
J Bakelite: | PHWOOAAAR! Ullo, darlin’! |
Bethany (7): | U can fck off 2! & when u fckd off u can fck off sum MOAR! Wnkr! |
R Gilmore: | …and having ridden up teh Izoard… 4 sure... |
M Pingu1: | Ooooh, hark @ u! |
| [Shortly...] |
T $ky: | Yay! Teh BEER!!1! Oh, wait! Iz shampain! |
R Gilmore: | Shampain face roffle! |
Omnes: | |
T $ky: | Last year we had teh BEER! Y we not got teh BEER this year chiz? |
SD Brailsford: | G Thomas drunked it all in teh 1st week! LOL! Akshuly, iz Lie! Here iz ur BEER! |
S Yates: | Teh T $ky haz teh BEER! Y I not haz teh BEER? NOT FAIR!!1! |
Omnes: | Ur not old enuff 2 haz teh BEER, S Yates! Does ur Mum kno ur here roffle? Hang on, we doned this 1 last year 2! |
S Yates: | WAAAAAAAAH!!1! |
| [Later…] |
L Minkies: | O hai! I am L Minkies and while I am not made ov as much Win as S Yates I am still pretty Winny! Oh yes! And wot kind ov coverage do I get from P@nd3m1c fukn Pr0duckt10nzTM®? Fck all, iz wot! Just being on teh receiving end ov a recycled joak stolen from a Pink Panzer movie! Well, iz not gude enuff! |
Omnes: | FFS, don’t sa ur gonna sulk liek teh Yates bruvs? |
ML Maire: | Er, soz, L Minkies! Praps u do something controversial, liek punch a Yates bruv or get ur photo took wif Bethany’s Mum! |
L Minkies: | Fck! Off! |
Y Offredo: | Right! I iz off! But onli 2 meet teh famlee! |
PT Voeckler: | ‘sallabahtfamleeinnit! Was that right? |
Omnes: | It’s DV Dyke LOL! |
PT Voeckler: | Shuttez-lá, vous slagz! |
M Landa: | O hai! C me wind up teh R Bardet! |
C Gautier: | Bof! C me propose 2 mi grilf! |
Omnes: | Awwwwwwww! |
| [Eventually…] |
N Boulting: | Rain! Break! Futile? |
SD Millar: | TD Gendt! Combativité! Chiz! |
Bethany (7): | Poo! W Barguil roolz! |
EC Boardman: | Rain! LOL! |
N Boulting: | Neutered pelican? Nogweegies! |
TP Fairy: | O hai! Notable by mi absence 4 most ov teh race, I, TP Fairy, teh embodiment ov pure eebil, will sa a big “O haihahaha” 2 W Barguil! Stab, stabbity, stabEEEE! |
W Barguil: | FFS! Ur supposed 2 visit R Bardet! |
Bethany (7): | Get tae fck, TP Fairy! |
| [Later…] |
T Martin: | O hai! I, T Martin, sa yarbles 2 ur futile break! |
SD Millar: | Coming 2 teh boil! |
S Cummings: | I’m not! |
N Boulting: | Sprinters! Control! AS-TA-NA! |
SD Millar: | N Bouhanni? Useless! |
N Boulting: | Cobblestones! |
Omnes: | Shut! Up! |
| [Enfin…] |
N Boulting: | Sprint, sprint, sprintEEEE! Yoicks! |
D Groenewegen: | Yay! Pwnage! |
A Greipel: | FFS! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
C Froome: | Speechless amazing rewarding privilege amazing honour and amazing! 4 sure! |
Bethany (7): | Podium! w00t! W Barguil! (Dances around room squeaking) Oops! Soz, mum! |
| [FX: Repeated fortissimo slappage…] |
Bethany’s Mum: | U spilt mi wite litening, u little bitch! I’ll fukn kill u! 2 DETH! |
| [Grams: God Saev Bethany(7) Missis Kwin] |
C Froome: | Ta Mrs C Froome T $ky teh pelican honour privilege ect ect! Et maintenant la même chose en Aramaique Français (Aside…) U horrible shitgibbons! |
G Thomas: | O hai! Haz it finished, then? |
| [Just about midnight…] |
N Boulting: | Nice C? |
NC Boardman: | Uh? |
N Boulting: | Wot actually iz teh difference between a village and an hamlet? |
| [Roll end credits…] |