Yet Another Cycling Forum

Random Musings => Miscellany => Where The Wild Things Are => Topic started by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:25:06 pm

Title: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:25:06 pm
So, yesterday afternoon I'm minding my own business, messing around with some helicopter tape, or something, in a quiet house, when I hear tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa.......

That's odd, I thought, the guys upstairs are out..... then I hear it again, but louder, tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa-tippa-tappa....... And there it is! In the hallway outside the doorway to my office / studio.
A Bloody Squirrel!

He's clocked me and made a dash for the communal front hall (my front door was open - as was my back door - clearly through which he had availed himself of access to my home).
Good, I thought, at least he's heading for the front door, I'll go into the communal hallway, open the street door and that'll be the end of it.
But no. As I approached the communal hallway I could see he was cowering up by the street door.
Now, the communal hallway is a modest affair. An airlock between the street, and the two apartments it serves. No more than 5m3 in size.
I'm not about to enter this space and close the door behind me, in order to afford the squirrel egress, at least not while he showing very poor attitude towards his host, by hissing and squealing and spitting in my direction.
I must approach this suitably equipped, I thought, so I stepped back into my office and armed myself with what was closest to hand, which in this case happened to be a recently retired pair of Easton EC70 carbon forks (Alloy steerer, y'see) and a Lidl 3W Cree LED torch.

In my brief absence he took his chance, scurried from the hallway and dived into my front room and behind the stereo which occupies most of the bay window.
A few deft prods with the forks behind the stereo and I had him out of there, but under the sofa. Whereupon I couldn't see him.
I couldn't see him because he'd gone down the centre of a Persian rug I have rolled up under there.
Had I been smart, I would've closed off both ends of the rug, carried said rug to the outdoors, and released him back into the wild (wild in a South London kinda way).
But no. My heart was pumping (I know it's supposed to, but this much?) I was riled (afraid). I pulled the rolled rug from under the sofa, and got as far as saying 'You f'in bast.....' before he shot out of the end of the plush tube like it was a rifled gun barrel, and straight into my office, and under the raised floor beneath which all of the IT cabling lives.

Errol Flynn-like I went in there on all fours, with the carbon forks, stabbing and swashbuckling (what is swashbuckling?) freely. I could see him amongst the Jesus Cables in a corner - giving me Teh Eye - fearlessly, I swore at him mid-prod, just as he elected to make his bid for freedom, back out into the hall and down the length of my apartment.
Straight into my bedroom.
B0ll0X!
That's the last place I want him.

This has gone on too long, already, I thought. I need to develop a strategy here.
Now, my flat is long and thin. If you were making spaghetti, or extruding something, it'd be the ideal location. Estate agents acting on my behalf, have been known to salivate excessively the moment they discover that a potential buyer is an extruder. But I digress.....
Teh Strategy consisted of closing all of the doors, leaving open just the door to the back garden (the door being located in a dog-leg part of the hallway) while I made my way towards the bedroom in the east wing.
Could I find him in there?
No.
I lifted the duvet.
He wasn't under there.
Under the bed?
Not enough space to hide a squirrel.
Or so I thought...
By now, I appreciate that he must be sufficiently petrified to evacuate his bowels without further intervention from me, or the carbon forks. (I'm not sure the Lidl LED torch contributed to his terror in any way - but it meant that I was able to see exactly how much dust had accumulated under my bed - a lot - during what has come to be known as 'The dusty years'). I really didn't want him to poop under my bed (or anywhere else, for that matter.)
After what seemed like a lifetime (probably about 2 minutes) I found him cornered under the bed, behind a plan chest drawer which contains around 300 compact cassettes (remember them?).
A few skilled stabs and prods of the forks later, and he was out of the room like a shot.
Great!, I thought I'll just chase him up the hallway, he'll pursue the line of least resistance, and bid me his leave via the back door. Perhaps with a small wave, as he goes.
Did he f**k!
Such was his fear, that his peripheral vision missed the open doorway to freedom in the dog-leg of the hall, and headed straight for the cul-de-sac of the hallway at the front of the house.
I followed.
Whereupon he took it upon himself to start climbing the walls. My Pristine White Walls! The F***er!
As I approached him, I was still prepared to reason with him at this point, he hissed at me and shot past, down the hallway, through the dog-leg, and straight into the bloody bedroom again (as is evident, my strategy had a massive loophole in it vis-a-vis closing doors in rooms after I have left them ::-))
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in the bedroom again, a further 5 minutes or so of dust jousting with the forks, illuminated by 3Ws of Cree LED saw him leave the room. Followed shortly thereafter, by me. Closing The Door Behind Me This Time, OK?

So, Squirrel Nutkin's environment has now been constrained.
It consists of a long, long (extrusion friendly) hallway (albeit with a dog-leg) with all possible exits blocked, leaving just the one via the open door to my back garden.
This was starting to have a feeling of Ridley Scott's Alien about it - when they're trying to restrict the movement of IT by blocking off zones....
The tree rat must've traversed the length of my apartment a further five or six times, whizzing past me whilst hissing and spitting while I used bad language, before finally, f***ing finally, a helpful kick from my instep guided him towards the open back door, and out to the natural delights of South London.

I cycle ~14miles a day to work daily, and  arrive with my pulse rate close to resting or resting very shortly thereafter.
10 minutes with this little f***er and my pulse rate was commensurate with the BPM of a gabber (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabber) nightclub, half an hour after the event!

B@st@rd squirrel.








Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: LindaG on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: jogler on 26 May, 2013, 04:31:11 pm
Red or Grey?
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Vince on 26 May, 2013, 04:35:09 pm
Having had a similar chase with a mouse I sympathise, but... PMSL
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:56:07 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?
Srsly?
Or are you being wag-like?
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:56:40 pm
Quote from: jogler on 26 May, 2013, 04:31:11 pm
Red or Grey?
Grey.
This is Londres.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: nikki on 26 May, 2013, 05:01:46 pm
Spiffing yarn  ;D
Glad you both got out alive.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 05:03:31 pm
Quote from: nikki on 26 May, 2013, 05:01:46 pm
Glad you both got out alive.
Only just.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: woollypigs on 26 May, 2013, 05:09:09 pm
New keyboard please and while you are at it a cup of tea too, since that is now in the keyboard :)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Pancho on 26 May, 2013, 05:32:49 pm
I've killed 6 of those buggers in my attic - this year alone.

I've given up being nice to them and offering freedom. Instead they get The Trap. Or, if spotted on the lawn, The Rifle.

I realised they'd chucked all sense of fair play out of the window the year they tried to burn my house down by removing all the insulation from every cable they could lay their teeth on. Since then it's War.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Adam on 26 May, 2013, 05:37:05 pm
 ;D

If I hadn't already lost my voice, I'd have lost it laughing at the above.

I have this image of you running up and down, jabbing at this petrified thing, sweat dripping off your brow. 

 ;D

Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 05:51:22 pm
Quote from: Pancho on 26 May, 2013, 05:32:49 pm
..... it's War.
I'm with you, Pancho. Albeit lacking in rifle.
Will the Easton EC70s do?

Quote from: Adam on 26 May, 2013, 05:37:05 pm
I have this image of you running up and down, jabbing at this petrified thing, sweat dripping off your brow. 

Your image is not too far from the truth.
It's a long hallway.
And Squirrel Nutkin moves swiftly.
B@st@rd!
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: CrinklyLion on 26 May, 2013, 06:01:06 pm
*snorts, deeply unattractively, with laughter*

That might make me a Bad Internet Friend.  Sorry.  Alternatively, it could make you a gifted comic writer....  you decide ;)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: clarion on 26 May, 2013, 06:42:43 pm
A buckler is a small shield used in conjunction with a sword for hand to hand fighting or duelling.  The swash portion of the word is disputed, but could refer to the sound of the sword.

HTH.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 06:50:24 pm
Quote from: clarion on 26 May, 2013, 06:42:43 pm
A buckler is a small shield used in conjunction with a sword for hand to hand fighting or duelling.  The swash portion of the word is disputed, but could refer to the sound of the sword.

HTH.
Not at all.
And way too late after the event.
 :P
 :-*
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Kim on 26 May, 2013, 06:58:09 pm
POTD!

Not to be messed with, squirrels.  The wee bastards have no sense of humour.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: LEE on 26 May, 2013, 07:11:30 pm
I have a couple of these
(https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-K_k5_Bwv7UU/UAgotlBRa5I/AAAAAAAAAOs/ov8QuPaP_N8/w958-h395-no/AA200+10x44.jpg)

or I can do this

(https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-mwaBJ7HjTLE/UCzH7R5y5NI/AAAAAAAAATM/rSGnHsUa8yk/w640-h480-no/helmet+arrows+3.jpg)

or, failing that, I have a friend in the 2nd Royal Tank Regiment

(https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/o_OdozquhkAmStponRgNq_KB3X30AvZNYCbz-_WzKnM=w271-h207-p-no)
(but your hallway would need some redecorating afterwards.)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 07:20:07 pm
Nice muzzle  :D
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: CAMRAMan on 26 May, 2013, 07:35:53 pm
Do a search for Fenn Mk4.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: PAC on 26 May, 2013, 09:00:23 pm
Just PMSL ;D
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Wobbly John on 26 May, 2013, 09:12:04 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?

11- 23 tooth.  ;)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Wowbagger on 26 May, 2013, 09:26:13 pm
Grey squirrels are very high on the list of the Ultimate Git Species.

However, I'm a bit surprised you used a set of front forks for tackling a squirrel. Squirrels have been known to make short work of these.

(click to show/hide)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: peliroja on 26 May, 2013, 09:28:12 pm
That cheered me up on my sickbed.

And I told mum to look up Jurek's post for a laugh. She thought id said "You're exposed"  :)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 09:30:27 pm
Quote from: Wobbly John on 26 May, 2013, 09:12:04 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?

11- 23 tooth.  ;)
Oh for goodness sakes.... ::-)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: CrinklyLion on 27 May, 2013, 09:53:40 pm
https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=47517.msg1491902#msg1491902
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 28 May, 2013, 07:01:38 am
 ;D
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: LindaG on 28 May, 2013, 11:55:25 am
Quote from: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:56:07 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?
Srsly?
Or are you being wag-like?

Well you were the one who brought it up   ???
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: matthew on 28 May, 2013, 12:23:24 pm
Quote from: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:56:07 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?
Srsly?
Or are you being wag-like?

Surely it is one of those mini cassettes that you used to find in answer phones and dictaphones  :demon:
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: PaulF on 28 May, 2013, 12:38:50 pm
You should count yourself luck that it wasn't this guy:

(http://www.electricsquirrel.com/images/ninja_squirrel.jpg)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Wowbagger on 28 May, 2013, 02:04:56 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 28 May, 2013, 11:55:25 am
Quote from: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:56:07 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?
Srsly?
Or are you being wag-like?

Well you were the one who brought it up   ???

I had never heard it referred to as a "Compact Cassette" before. I thought they were just "Cassettes", or "Cassette tapes" but a google enlightened me.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: clarion on 28 May, 2013, 02:10:45 pm
Wowbagger uses 8-track Lear jets.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Bledlow on 28 May, 2013, 05:58:57 pm
Quote from: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:25:06 pm
...
I couldn't see him because he'd gone down the centre of a Persian rug I have rolled up under there.
Had I been smart, I would've closed off both ends of the rug, carried said rug to the outdoors, and released him back into the wild (wild in a South London kinda way)....

For which you could have been fined. It is illegal to release a captured grey squirrel into the wild. They must be humanely killed, or handed over to someone (e.g. the RSPCA) who can do it for you.

Shooting with a .22 air rifle with suitable ammunition is generally considered humane, if you have a steady hand, & guidance on other legal methods can be found on the web.

You can probably argue that you never had the squirrel trapped, so you didn't break the law by chasing it out of your flat.  ;D
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 29 May, 2013, 06:51:28 am
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 28 May, 2013, 11:55:25 am
Quote from: Jurek on 26 May, 2013, 04:56:07 pm
Quote from: Lindagordinho on 26 May, 2013, 04:30:19 pm
What's a compact cassette?
Srsly?
Or are you being wag-like?

Well you were the one who brought it up   ???
:) (http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=compact+cassette&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=8JalUYqxJ-Oc0QXIgIGQCA&sqi=2&ved=0CD8QsAQ&biw=1917&bih=964)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Notsototalnewbie on 29 May, 2013, 09:36:31 pm
Jurek, you paint a hilarious picture. The thought of you running around jabbing at an increasingly pissed off/terrified squirrel with a pair of carbon forks is tear-inducing. Thank you.

Cam would have got rid of it sharpish. No squirrels grace our garden with their presence these days. They Remember.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Wowbagger on 30 May, 2013, 09:15:29 am
I would be worried that the squirrel would hurt Morphy. This is the dog whose response to coming face to face with a badger a few weeks ago was to wag in a friendly fashion.

Many moons ago, when my dad kept hens, we had a rat problem. The hen houses, which measured 48' by 24' and each house 100 hens, had sliding doors that were often difficult to close tightly because of chicken dung and straw debris getting in the way. Where a gap of about half an inch existed, the rats widened it and obtained access to the hens' food. We would operate a pincer movement, my brother and I. Late at night, when the hens were roosting on their perches, we'd block the rats' exit with a rolled up newspaper, go in the door at the other end of the house, corner them whilst dazzling them with bright torches and I would then wade in with the cricket bat.

Only once did we make the mistake of sending the dog in after them. The black bit of his nose was virtually bisected by a rat.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: pcolbeck on 30 May, 2013, 09:32:39 am
On the other hand a jack russell would have had a happy half hour dispatching the rats.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Wowbagger on 30 May, 2013, 10:01:08 am
Quote from: pcolbeck on 30 May, 2013, 09:32:39 am
On the other hand a jack russell would have had a happy half hour dispatching the rats.

Probably but I think much of it was an eyesight thing. That particular dog wasn't too bad at killing stuff, not like our current ridiculous pooch.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: pcolbeck on 30 May, 2013, 10:04:32 am
Probably. The scruffy little black mongrel terrier whose kingdom is the barns next to our house is no longer the rat killing machine he was in his younger days now his eyesight is fading.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: mcshroom on 13 November, 2018, 08:19:52 pm
I can't believe this thread is five years old! I saw this and thought of you Jurek ;D

(https://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NTAwWDMyMg==/z/aqoAAOSwmiZZw8m7/$_35.JPG?set_id=89040003C1)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 13 November, 2018, 08:21:23 pm
Quote from: mcshroom on 13 November, 2018, 08:19:52 pm
I can't believe this thread is five years old! I saw this and thought of you Jurek ;D

(https://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NTAwWDMyMg==/z/aqoAAOSwmiZZw8m7/$_35.JPG?set_id=89040003C1)
Hah!
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Wowbagger on 02 January, 2019, 09:36:46 pm
There are some little corners of this forum which make you realise what a wonderful place it is.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: woollypigs on 23 September, 2022, 07:45:19 am
Looks like the US have found the leaked footage of the encounter, though some wires were crossed or do we now know the real name of Jurek and place of living.

https://youtu.be/V_a0XryYjsg?t=649 (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert from yesterday look from about 10m49s, if link didn't work)
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Jurek on 23 September, 2022, 08:02:44 am
Quote from: woollypigs on 23 September, 2022, 07:45:19 am
Looks like the US have found the leaked footage of the encounter, though some wires were crossed or do we now know the real name of Jurek and place of living.

https://youtu.be/V_a0XryYjsg?t=649 (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert from yesterday look from about 10m49s, if link didn't work)
I have a chair identical to the one in that clip and, yes, my conduct was pretty similar to that of that individual.
You won't know what it is like unless you have been there.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Kim on 23 September, 2022, 02:21:56 pm
Way back in the 1990s, when I was a PSO, I received a frantic internal[1] phone call from my Shite Bunker correspondent, who was experiencing the analogue audio version of the above.  In the absence of a baseball bat (which seems like a fairly suspicious thing to keep by your desk when you don't even have a printer), he opted for the running out of the room and closing the door approach, abandoning a perfectly innocent packet of chocolate digestives.

It took a while for the squirrel to decide to leave...


[1] Which, as anyone with experience of ACC telecom will tell you, was all it was good for.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Flite on 23 September, 2022, 04:52:58 pm
Why did I think PSO meant Person Shaped Object?
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: Blodwyn Pig on 23 September, 2022, 08:00:24 pm
This squirrel thing............all you need is a Red squirrel fancy dress outfit. When said grey squirrel appears, or hides in the rug etc, jump out of the closet, (coz you is a closet red squirrel ,innit) and beat the feck out of him, then let him go. He'll then tell ALL his mates that red squirrels is nasty vicious b@stards, and they is H  U  G  E!! So don't mess wiv dem, innit.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: slowfen on 29 September, 2022, 10:40:37 am
https://metro.co.uk/2022/09/28/greggs-store-closes-after-red-squirrel-gets-stuck-inside-for-four-days-17468960/
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: andrewc on 29 September, 2022, 10:55:41 pm
https://twitter.com/fasc1nate/status/1575246534593155072


Awwwwww! Cute.
Title: Re: B@st@rd squirrel!
Post by: sam on 27 October, 2023, 07:58:55 am
The OP (https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=125049.msg2786011#msg2786011) raised a smile this morning, only 10 years late.

(https://i.imgur.com/L4gjs6W.jpg)
A squirrel's life: not all fun and games

We've just had our fascia fixed (also a bit tardy (https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=10.msg2687869#msg2687869)). This was prompted by the near repurposing of our loft as a nursery.