God, I hate modern supermarkets. Aircraft hanger-sized soul vacuums. You can feel the pull before you even get through the door. If I had my way, the murders would start in the car park and escalate from there.
Sainsbury's – looks like it's trying and really not doing a good job of being posh, like they've dressed a turd in a teeny turd-sized suit and they're really proud about it.
Tesco – primary coloured place for people with mental health issues. Everyone looks like they're on industrial doses of haloperidol.
Asda – Walmart without the gun section, and judging by the customers you know why.
M&S Foodhall – ever wanted to shrinkwrap a panda? So did they. Then put it in a box.
Morrisons – you always feel there should be more pies. Even the uniforms are the colour of gravy.
Aldi – all the convenience of an East German convenience store c1981.
Lidl – the shopping equivalent of self-flagellation. And you don't have to take your clothes off first. Though many of their customers do.
Co-op – as I used to work there, I find myself facing up their displays for them and rotating stock. I think I was programmed.
Waitrose – worth it to fuck with the Daily Mail readers. You expect to find Prince Charles's gurning head in the frozen food section. Duchy certified.
Waitrose is the best of the bunch, mostly because they're not entirely proud to shout sawdust and cat fur, two for one, and only £1.99.
The grocery store near me (Big Y, no I don't know either) in the US had aisles long enough to land the space shuttle down. I swear one of them was just bagels. A hundred different brands of the same bagel. And bagels are mostly the doughy equivalent of a donkey's ringpiece.