Author Topic: Mrs Miles solves all your problems (Read 66656 times)

Mrs Miles · « **on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:14:31 pm »

Hello Dears

With the new audax season well underway, I know that many of you will have concerns and questions about your riding and I've registered here to see if I can offer you the benefit of my many years riding experience.

I doubt that many of you will have been audaxing as long as I have and in that time, I've learned a thing or two about how to become a successful rider. I've ridden all the classics in my time, PBP, LEL, BMB, CNC, NFN, DVD, you name it and I've probably been there and back again.

Of course, these days, modern bicycles and equipment makes riding so much more enjoyable. I cut my teeth on long distance rides using lugged steel and stiff leather so I doubt I'll know much about your fancy carbon bikes if that's the sort of thing you want help with. But it's good to see so many of you still insisting on waxed cotton duck to carry your rainproofs. I know that I wouldn't be comfortable with anything else banging into the back of my thighs on a long wet ride.

I'm very much a traditionalist and sometimes I wonder whether or not you young things have it too easy now. Back in my day we used to navigate using nothing but our flickering Pifcos and the light of the stars. Nutrition was all about jam sandwiches and most of us used to carry our own tea bags in case they ran out at the cafe stops. Well, what with the rationing, you never could be sure.

Many people have turned to me for advice over the years I've been riding, so please don't feel that your troubles are too trifling to discuss here. I could tell you tales of how I counselled some of our most famous riders in their moments of doubt. I've seen them learn and grow from little acorns to the mighty audax superstars that they are today. I taught that Richard Phipps everything he knows about spinning a fixed wheel and many's the night that Jack and I shared a comforting bowl of rough shag together. Few know it, but it was me who gave little baby Dave Hudson his nickname. As I dandled him on my knee during a Spanish tandemming holiday with his parents, I couldn't help but notice how appropriate it was!

So don't be shy, my dears. Ask me anything you like about long distance riding and I'll try to help you. If your problem is too embarassing to mention publically (I know all about the issues some of you gentlemen can face, "down there") you can confide in me by private message and I'll answer your letter anonymously.

See you up the road!

Mrs Miles

Tiger · « **Reply #1 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:20:41 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles.
I have just shaved my legs because 'That is what serious cyclists do'. I have a couple of questions though:
How high should one go? Do any other Yacfers go fully 'Brazilian'?

Eccentrica Gallumbits · « **Reply #2 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:27:14 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles

I find that the combination of a cobbled street and a saddle tilted slightly upwards gives me very agreeable feelings, so much so that sometimes I just ride round and round and round the cobbled streets and never get any further. Is this wrong? Am I going to hurt myself in some way?

I do wear a helmet while I'm doing it.

Jaded · « **Reply #3 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:28:33 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles,

When riding I am often plagued by wind, occasionally to the extent that it is quite hard to pedal. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with strong wind?

toekneep · « **Reply #4 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:29:05 pm »

Quote from: Kirst on 26 February, 2009, 01:27:14 pm

Dear Mrs Miles

I find that the combination of a cobbled street and a saddle tilted slightly upwards gives me very agreeable feelings, so much so that sometimes I just ride round and round and round the cobbled streets and never get any further. Is this wrong? Am I going to hurt myself in some way?

I do wear a helmet while I'm doing it.

I'm sure Mrs. Miles will be along with some sound advice shortly but reading your above post I couldn't help but think that your activity would surely take you all the way rather than no further, would it not?

PaulF · « **Reply #5 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:35:22 pm »

Quote from: Tiger on 26 February, 2009, 01:20:41 pm

Dear Mrs Miles.
I have just shaved my legs because 'That is what serious cyclists do'. I have a couple of questions though:
How high should one go? Do any other Yacfers go fully 'Brazilian'?

Personally I'd go no higher than the ears.

As for Brazilian I have no replica football kit but an ex-girlfriend did have one but as she wasn't a cyclist I don't know if that counts.

HTH

Tiger · « **Reply #6 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:36:19 pm »

Quote from: Kirst on 26 February, 2009, 01:27:14 pm

Dear Mrs Miles

I find that the combination of a cobbled street and a saddle tilted slightly upwards gives me very agreeable feelings, so much so that sometimes I just ride round and round and round the cobbled streets and never get any further. Is this wrong? Am I going to hurt myself in some way?

I do wear a helmet while I'm doing it.

Dear me. You don't know if you are coming or going do you?

geraldc · « **Reply #7 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:42:54 pm »

When I was at school, one of the bigger boys told me that if I ever slept funny, and woke up with a dead arm, I should rub a certain thing with it, as it would feel like someone else would be rubbing it. I've noticed that sometimes when my saddle position is incorrect certain other parts of my anatomy become numb, I wonder if you could recommend anything I could do with the particular body part when in that state?

vorsprung · « **Reply #8 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:52:51 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles

I'd rather spend my cash on hard drink so instead of wasting money on expensive tools can you suggest an alternative to the Stein Hypercracker, possibly made from wood?

Thx!

Tiger · « **Reply #9 on:** 26 February, 2009, 01:53:51 pm »

Quote from: geraldc on 26 February, 2009, 01:42:54 pm

When I was at school, one of the bigger boys told me that if I ever slept funny, and woke up with a dead arm, I should rub a certain thing with it, as it would feel like someone else would be rubbing it. I've noticed that sometimes when my saddle position is incorrect certain other parts of my anatomy become numb, I wonder if you could recommend anything I could do with the particular body part when in that state?

If I may suggest - it is unlikely you will be able to locate the organ in question on a ride due to issues of wind/weather induced shrinkage.

Hummers · « **Reply #10 on:** 26 February, 2009, 02:10:18 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles.

Firstly, God bless you ma'am.

Secondly, I think I may have piles. What are they and will they impair my riding enjoyment?

Thanks in advance.

H

Oscar's dad · « **Reply #11 on:** 26 February, 2009, 02:23:14 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles

What is audax? I have heard of anthrax, is audax similar?

Pingu · « **Reply #12 on:** 26 February, 2009, 02:58:21 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles

Some audax riders advocate getting fixed. Surely this is a bit drastic

Mrs Miles · « **Reply #13 on:** 26 February, 2009, 03:11:23 pm »

Quote from: Tiger on 26 February, 2009, 01:20:41 pm

Dear Mrs Miles.
I have just shaved my legs because 'That is what serious cyclists do'. I have a couple of questions though:
How high should one go? Do any other Yacfers go fully 'Brazilian'?

I have to tell you, Tiger, that shaved legs are not necessary to participate in Audax events. That tends to be the preserve of racers - and from the look of you, dear, there's nothing racy about you.

However, the cult of the shaved leg does seem to be getting more popular amongst audaxers, many of whom do it in order that their legs match their heads.

If you are going to shave your legs, then traditionally you should go up only as far as the bottom of your cycling shorts. Ideally, your shorts will then ride up slightly as you pedal, revealing a reassuring half-inch of manly pelt.

Admittedly, though, this is hardly the height of fashion. You could go for the full thigh, but then you will have a bikini line issue whenever you remove your trousers. You may also get mistaken for the main act every time you pass Madame Dolly's, and that can get tiresome, you can trust me on that, dear.

If you are to engage in regular depilation, you may wish to consider waxing. If that is the case, then here is my top tip: there is no need to waste money on expensive salons. Simply keep the casing from your Babybel snack cheeses (they fit well into the average Barley) and voilà! A ready-made waxing strip.

Smoothly yours,

Mrs Miles

Mrs Miles · « **Reply #14 on:** 26 February, 2009, 03:21:43 pm »

Quote from: Kirst on 26 February, 2009, 01:27:14 pm

Dear Mrs Miles

I find that the combination of a cobbled street and a saddle tilted slightly upwards gives me very agreeable feelings, so much so that sometimes I just ride round and round and round the cobbled streets and never get any further. Is this wrong? Am I going to hurt myself in some way?

I do wear a helmet while I'm doing it.

Oooh, Kirst, I do know what you mean, dear. Many's the time I've got into a nice big gear for a good grind, going flat out on the cobbles.

A dear friend of mine gave me a training aid known as Ben Wa balls, and I strongly recommend these for cobbled circuits. I believe she got them from Wiggle although I can't seem to find them anywhere on the site.

You won't hurt yourself from training in this manner, although do remember that a healthy training regime is a balanced training regime! Intersperse your cobbled rides with plain roads, or even a little cross-training. There's any number of things you can do which are equally vigorous and just as stimulating.

I'd ditch the helmet though. In the old days we didn't bother with such things. If you wish to invest in safety equipment then how about a nice gel saddle and a tub of sudocreme?

In sisterly solidarity,

Mrs Miles

Mrs Miles · « **Reply #15 on:** 26 February, 2009, 03:27:48 pm »

Quote from: geraldc on 26 February, 2009, 01:42:54 pm

When I was at school, one of the bigger boys told me that if I ever slept funny, and woke up with a dead arm, I should rub a certain thing with it, as it would feel like someone else would be rubbing it. I've noticed that sometimes when my saddle position is incorrect certain other parts of my anatomy become numb, I wonder if you could recommend anything I could do with the particular body part when in that state?

Well dear, this isn't really my area of expertise, but I understand that the Denmead rides take you round some of the less salubrious areas of Portsmouth where there are any number of sailors on shore-leave who may be interested in taking advantage of your numb bum.

Do keep an eye on the time limits, though. You wouldn't want to miss getting your card stamped because you were too busy, well, getting your card stamped. As it were.

Yours with concern for editorial propriety,

Mrs Miles

Hot Flatus · « **Reply #16 on:** 26 February, 2009, 03:28:01 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles

Where can I purchase an official audax-issue Beard and Stare combo and how much will it cost?

regards

M. Pumpe.

Jaded · « **Reply #17 on:** 26 February, 2009, 03:48:40 pm »

Dear Mrs Miller,

I've recently decided to see if I can last for longer, and found that my current set-up wasn't as comfortable as it should be. I decided to give my old frame a thorough going over.

Whilst I was hunched over polishing my tubing a friend walked in and had a look for me. He was concerned about my length, saying that 170 was a bit short and I'd get better results with 175. Naturally I was confused to the cotter pins by this strange advice!

Can you help?

Zoidburg · « **Reply #18 on:** 26 February, 2009, 03:54:04 pm »

Dear Millie - may I call you Millie?

I hear talk of embrocation being a great help during longer rides but I seem to struggle somewhat with even application - I want to be sure that I am not missing anything important.

Is it rude to ask a young lady of the road to help with the delicate matter at hand?

richie · « **Reply #19 on:** 26 February, 2009, 04:09:37 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles

My best friends wife has offered to help check if my riding position is correct. She has even suggested bringing her husband along in case things 'need tweaking'.

I suggested I take the bike around later but she just looked confused.

Am I right to be worried?

Luv n stuff
Ricardo

Oscar's dad · « **Reply #20 on:** 26 February, 2009, 04:15:23 pm »

Quote from: Zoidburg on 26 February, 2009, 03:54:04 pm

Dear Millie - may I call you Millie?

I hear talk of embrocation being a great help during longer rides but I seem to struggle somewhat with even application - I want to be sure that I am not missing anything important.

Is it rude to ask a young lady of the road to help with the delicate matter at hand?

I would caution against us getting overly familiar with Mrs Miles, she is already proving to be a font of useful, hard won knowledge and we don't want to be upsetting her do we???

vorsprung · « **Reply #21 on:** 26 February, 2009, 04:25:44 pm »

Quote from: Oscars dad on 26 February, 2009, 04:15:23 pm

Quote from: Zoidburg on 26 February, 2009, 03:54:04 pm
Dear Millie - may I call you Millie?

I hear talk of embrocation being a great help during longer rides but I seem to struggle somewhat with even application - I want to be sure that I am not missing anything important.

Is it rude to ask a young lady of the road to help with the delicate matter at hand?

I would caution against us getting overly familiar with Mrs Miles, she is already proving to be a font of useful, hard won knowledge and we don't want to be upsetting her do we???

Quite. It's not often anyone like this comes along. So best to be polite

geraldc · « **Reply #22 on:** 26 February, 2009, 04:26:21 pm »

Quote from: Mrs Miles on 26 February, 2009, 03:27:48 pm

Well dear, this isn't really my area of expertise, but I understand that the Denmead rides take you round some of the less salubrious areas of Portsmouth where there are any number of sailors on shore-leave who may be interested in taking advantage of your numb bum.

Dear Mrs Miles

It's not the bum that goes numb...

Oscar's dad · « **Reply #23 on:** 26 February, 2009, 04:31:57 pm »

Quote from: vorsprung on 26 February, 2009, 04:25:44 pm

Quote from: Oscars dad on 26 February, 2009, 04:15:23 pm
Quote from: Zoidburg on 26 February, 2009, 03:54:04 pm
Dear Millie - may I call you Millie?

I hear talk of embrocation being a great help during longer rides but I seem to struggle somewhat with even application - I want to be sure that I am not missing anything important.

Is it rude to ask a young lady of the road to help with the delicate matter at hand?

I would caution against us getting overly familiar with Mrs Miles, she is already proving to be a font of useful, hard won knowledge and we don't want to be upsetting her do we???

Quite. It's not often anyone like this comes along. So best to be polite

And Jaded, get the woman's name correct. She's Mrs Miles not Mrs Miller

Greenbank · « **Reply #24 on:** 26 February, 2009, 04:34:23 pm »

Dear Mrs Miles,

I have a couple of questions regarding an upcoming Audax, I wonder if you can help.

Firstly, on the signpost at the T junction of the B1051 and the B1053, how many miles to Hempstead? Secondly, when approaching from the south, what is the name of the second house on the left in Wicken Bonhunt?

Yours sincerely, etc...