Author Topic: What are you doing right now?  (Read 2105 times)


  • Quiet please
What are you doing right now?
« on: 06 December, 2019, 03:41:17 pm »
Contemplating cordless vacuum cleaners. Is there any more strident symptom of disappointment in being an adult than buying a vacuum cleaner? Remember when you were on the cusp of your teenage years, thinking of all the stuff you'd be able to do when you were an adult, the fun you would have? Whatever you want! Sex. Vodka. Chocolate cake for breakfast. Vodka, sex, and chocolate cake for breakfast. A smorgasbord of decadence. The all-you-can-eat buffet of sensual pleasures.

This is what it comes down to. Being a grown-up. Buying a vacuum cleaner. Other than the case studies of gorily misplaced amour that occasionally grace the back pages of esteemed medical journals, there's nothing exciting about vacuum cleaners. No one dies and thinks, oh god, if only I'd bought more vacuum cleaners. The emptiness at the heart of my life. Probably sucked out by a big existential vacuum cleaner.

I have a chunker Dyson somewhere but that's a faff of power leads and oh it's a Dyson and he can fuck off and then fuck off some more. We drove past his estate in the Cotswolds at the weekend and I leaned out of the car window and dopplered WANKERRRRRRRRR! over the wall. Well, I didn't because decorum dear, but I wanted to, I really did. See, that's the sort of stuff you should be able to do as an adult and, let's face it, wouldn't that be a lot more fun than buying a vacuum cleaner. Unless you shoved the hose up his arse and hit the mighty suck button. That said, then he'd have to thank the EU, were it not for their cruel limits on suckability, his entrails would be cyclonically reeled out of him. Then he would have his very own grisly intestine bobbin. He'd probably have to try and reinsert it. If so, I hope something important snaps off in the process.

OK, I've evidently not bought a vacuum cleaner in the modern age, but really, there's one (ok, lots) called Shark. Don't call a vacuum cleaner Shark. It doesn't make it any cooler. It's a vacuum cleaner. In fish terms, it's probably down there with haddock.

All this is because our cleaner is sick and apparently, so I'm told, hiring another cleaner in the meantime is like announcing that you expect her to die. Modern life, it's a poorly mapped minefield of social mores that you've been asked to navigate while wearing snowshoes on your feet and a bucket on your head.