mid-effort I'll ask myself why I'm doing it and "wouldn't it be easier if you just eased off?".
Although I haven't done anything competitive for a long time, I can relate to this. I also have "why am I doing this?" moments even on my casual rides if one of my headaches descends.
In high school, I was a middling swimmer; in my first or second year, I was on the relay team with some seniors. As we got into the bigger meets, the other guys starting getting angry with me--I was messing up the transitions because, rather than going all-out in the last few yards to get to the wall, I would gradually slow down. Why? This was a race!
I fixed the problem immediately, but it took me a while to figure out the cause--I was more relieved to be almost done than I was driven to really go hard. If you don't want to be there enough to force yourself, you won't force yourself. To quote a Calexico song (partly about the Tarahumara long-distance runners), you have to love the run, not [just] the race.
Getting shouted at wasn't pleasant, but it provided a good and quick lesson in getting out of my head and helping the team. Even though I don't do that kind of stuff anymore, I sometimes miss the team atmosphere and the focused effort--just not the humorlessness.
I also got a good dose of reality when I found out that the school record I set as a senior, after four years of trying, was easily broken the next year by a freshman. Another good reminder to get over myself.
World-champion level athletes are insane.
It's amazing how often people who are very intense about something (not just sports) are either unbalanced or damaged. If the activity works for them and doesn't make things worse, OK. It's when they get egotistical or abusive (these things seem to go along with singlemindedness) that I won't put up with it.
