The 2018 YACF nativity play

[rogerzilla]

It is nine months before Christmas.  An innocent and virtuous woman of the Midlands (let's call her Kim) was up to her elbows in solder fumes, trying to connect a B&M e-werk to a NOW TV box, when the Angel Polar Bear appeared, and light shone from his hair.

"Blessed art thou, O Kim", said the angel, "for thou art up the stick.  Thou shalt pop out a sprog whose name shalt be called Flatus, and he shalt win audaxes".

Kim was most perplexed by the angel's appearance.  "That's a bit unexpected," said she, and put it down to the solder fumes, which had also caused the wallpaper to start breathing and the carpet to talk.

"Focus, Kim", said the angel, "you must go to Long Itch, in the country of Shakespeare, where he shalt be born in a bus shelter."

And, lo, nearly nine months after the angel had spoken, an international space station appeared in the sky and hung over Long Itch.  And a message was sent forth from the despotic King Dez that all men, women and goths must return to the place of their last camping, since he wished to register their faces with his panoptical quadcopter.

[rogerzilla]

If you write a chapter you are exempt from being mentioned in the story 

[Jurek]

Not entirely sure where this is going.
But I'm not going to write anything until I've seen what others have to say first.
Oh.....

[Hot Flatus]

Look, my name is involved and I'm the Messiah.

This is only going to end badly...

[rogerzilla]

Of course, that's why I chose you.

[Canardly]

And in the east a wise man calmly stroked his long white beard, eyes glowing in wonder at the sight of the shining space station hovering over Long itch. "Could it be a load of serene bastards?" he pondered.

[rogerzilla]

And lo, this wise man who was called Chrisspar and two other wise men who were called Bludgerzar and Felchior went to King Dez, and said unto him, "There is some heavy shit going down at Long Itch and a child will be born who shall unify the worlds of audax and sportive".

And King Dez said unto them, "Get thine arses down there and check it out."

And the wise men departed from him after dropping into HMV to buy gifts for the child, and these gifts were a Goldie Lookin' Chain CD, a Frankie Boyle stand up DVD and a box set of Midsomer Myrrhders.

[Torslanda]

And it came upon a midnight, clear. Charlotte & Julian were sitting in their portable yurt with the Clariflies sipping parsnip wine (to keep the cold out) and black tea, whence suddenly an angel did appear to them - the beautiful Julia, reigne de la faux and glory shone around.

'What is this shit?' they cried, for they were sore afraid.

'Fear not' said Julia. 'I bring you tidings of great joy, for tonight, in a bus shelter adjacent The Green Man, Long Itch, a child will be born who will free you all from the tyranny of DinoJuice^TM.

'What time does the bus run?' they asked.

'NAFC' replied the angel 'but get your arses in gear! Fire up Red Ted II and the Mummy Wagon. Clarion, you're I.C. tea. Charlotte, you're gonna need your bike. Julian, legal eagle - there's talk of some Tory councillors massing for a 'down with this sort of thing' protest and looking for a photo opportunity at the food bank near the Co-op. Butterfly, hot water and towels. You know the drill'

The angel Julia departed in her Picasso and they looked at one another in wonder.

'Anyone got any reasonable explanation of what the fuck just happened?' asked Charlotte.

'Dunno' said Clarion 'but I'd lay off the roquefort at this time of night if I were you!'

[Torslanda]

Maybe drinking half a bottle of Cpt. Morgan spiced wasn't such a good idea...

[Jurek]

Amen.

[mattc]

...
and a box set of Midsomer Myrrhders.

I see what you've done there.

[Torslanda]

And in the east a wise man calmly stroked his long white beard, muttered "Load of serene bastards!" and put the kettle on.

[T42]

And Three Wise Baker-Ladies yelled at their Three Wise Hubbies to get tae feck away from the yeast. So the Three Wise Hubbies turned their Three Wise Backs on the stuff, climbed onto their Three Wise Camels, and rode out into the sunset.

[rogerzilla]

And the three wise men and the three shepherds/wise ladies/whatevs arrived at Long Itch.  And they found Kim and the newborn baby Flatus in a Portaloo, because all the tents were full and there hadn't been room for a tent and a load of swaddling clothes and other baby shit on the Streetmachine.

And they fell to their knees and they worshipped him, and glory shone around, and the sky was full of angels singing, or maybe it was just that twat with the 2am guitar who'd followed them from Brichcombe Farm.

And the baby Flatus raised his hand in a two-fingered blessing to them all.

[ElyDave]

One member of the congregation looked particularly unenthusiastic, he was Jaded

[Pedaldog.]

And a fire was lit, from the abundance of wood in the Rich Forrest nearby, accessible by the 'andy gates to the field. When Dawn rose it was a Furious one "Oi! then were I Woolly socks you burned him in".

[rogerzilla]

And tidings reached King Dez in his palace and he decided to see for himself.  So he sent his panoptical quadcopter and it hung in the sky in the flight path of East Midlands Airport.  And there was much wailing and grinding of teeth.

[IanN]

Now the wise people did not return to the palace of King Dez, but returned home by a different route. For it was written.

And having been warned in a dream, Kim and the baby Flatus travelled South and West to the land of Egypt France, where an apparition in a gilet jaune and a clipboard, said 'go forth'. And they lived in the wilderness for 90 hours.

The King Dez, hearing this, was furious. Having sought counsel with the Pharacees and Sadroadees, he decreed that all carbon fibre, hydraulic disc bicycles under two years of age shall be destroyed.

And when Dez had died, an angel appeared to Kim and Flatus (it being three in the morning in a wood in the middle of nowhere), and they returned home.

[Torslanda]

And in the east a wise man calmly stroked his long white beard, muttered "Load of serene bastards!" and returned to tending his chilli con carne.