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[librarian]

I remembered I had a 500-tablet tub of Pepto-bismol still mostly unused

You do realise that, in the face of a global Pepto Bismol shortage, you could be sitting on a resource that could pay your winter heating bill?

Hmm, it seems there is. The 500 tub is actually a Walmart Pepto knockoff called Soothe, but I also have a smaller tub of the real deal for special occasions.

I love the epic tubs they have in US pharmacies. I always think to myself, what if – after the fall of civilisation – I get a headache or indigestion? It's not like I'll be popping out over the blistered radioactive, plague-festering hellscape to Boots to buy a pack of sixteen tablets. On this basis, I never knowingly have fewer than 1,000 ibuprofen caplets to hand. The last thing I want at the end of the world is a headache.

That could backfire on you, ian.

Scene: The End of the World
Location: The Pearly Gates
Characters: St Peter, Jesus, Nicholas Devil, ian, 9 billion humans

St Peter: Lo! What is this huge number of people queuing at my gates today? Do they not know it is Wednesday, my official half day? My sorting clerks cannot possibly sort them into the Saved and the Damned today.
Jesus: Do keep up, Pete, it's the End of the Word, innit? Rejoice! For the hour of salvation is at hand! All that stuff. You can retire on a nice fat heavenly pension once this lot's sorted out.
St Peter: Okay, well it's an easy one anyway. I can see at a glance by the way they clutch their heads and stomachs that they all have stinking hangovers. Sinners the lot of them. To Hell with them! Oi, Nick, old bean! This lot are all yours!
Nicholas Devil: Hey hey! More souls to feed my eternal fires! This way, my chickabidees! Don't stand around freezing your arses off, come and get warm with my imps.
Jesus: Steady on, Pete. What about this chap here? The small one with the exceptionally neat coiffure. See how he smiles joyfully and looks around, bright eyed and bushy tailed? Clearly he is the one true saved soul among this filth.
ian: Oh what fun! Soon I'll be sporting with Desdemona and Barbarella and all the firey imps!
St Peter (to ian): Come here! What was your name on Earth?
ian: ian.
St Peter: And what was your profession, occupation or other activity?
ian: I was a tidy-haired thought leader.
St Peter: Wozzat then? Like chief barber or something?
Jesus: It's one of those new jobs they have now. Not actually anything to do with hair at all. They always give them silly names.
ian: ian's not a silly name.
Jesus: It is spelled like that.
ian: Fair cop.
St Peter: Now, ian, I have great news for you. Just walk through this little door and... you're in! Welcome to Heaven! The eternal paradise, green pastures where the lamb may lie down with the lion.
ian: Heaven? You mean I'm not going to Hell? That sucks! I'd promised my soul to the Devil and all. Mind you, I only got 40 quid for it, so I suppose... Anyway, where's the pub?
St Peter: The pub?
ian: Yes, you said the Lamb and Lion.
St Peter: Oh no, that's not a pub. You see the other sections are full, so we've put you in with the Jehovah's Witnesses.