Etienne Shrdlu Presents… TdF 2021

[Beardy]

The shitverts really do go on don’t they. It seems someone is selling BEARS which I think I’d quite like. Not sure where I’d keep it though.

[Mr Larrington]

In ian's back garden?

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 19: Mourenx —> Libourne

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai, & wot betta wa 2 conclude a Tour ov France peppad wif thrillz, xitement & teh rib-splittin' joaks, punz & wordpla ov me, TV's G Imlach, than 200 km ov pine trees across Les Landes?
Omnes:	Xperimental pile surgery? Bein' fierd in2 teh sun? Lissenin' 2 Coldpla on repete?
G Imlach:	Hahahahahaha! Wnkrs!
T Pelican:	4 sure iz still a long wa 2 Paris Paree! Ne-thing c'n hapn! Teh temes ov teh sprint0rz will b goin' full gas 4 sure, so it will b soopa hard! We will taek it da bi da & c wot hapns!
G Imlach:	Short ov bein' abducted bi teh alienz or hit on teh head bi a unguided lump ov spaec hardwaer, T Pogačar hav 3 (three) ov teh four (4) jumpers in hiz sootcaes ov currij alredi, tho he ent gonna pwn teh snottyjumper unless spaec Nazis from a paralel univers cart 1/2 teh pelican off 2 teh Reëducashn Campz!
TP Kennaugh:	Strangre fings haz hapnd on teh Tour ov France!
Omnes:	Such az? Do tell ov these fings wot woz odda'n a assault attack bi spaec Nazis, u chirpy Manx idiot!
TP Kennaugh:	I, er, um, thare woz teh tiem that teh root wuz blokt bi llamas in teh mist*,er… I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	Sumwun sedaet him wile us growd-ups duz r job! WWX Lackey?
WWX Lackey:	U sackt me yestada, rememba! I's goin' bak  2 mi ol' gig! Sellin' Class As 2 teh Young Conservatives.
Bethany (11):	Cut wif strikneen or rat pizen, I hoap!
WWX Lackey:	U doan get much repete bizniz that wa, Bethany (11)!
Bethany (11):	S'pose not. I's gonna havter fink ov anuvva wa 2 wiep 'em out… 'ere, u doan kno mi kewl unkle Jeo, duz u?
WWX Lackey:	No comment…
G Imlach:	TV's Niec C Boardman, wot sa u?
NC Boardman:	Teh llama iz a quadruped wot lievs in big rivers liek teh Amazon. It haz two (2) ears, a hart, a 4head, & a mitey beek 4 nommin' hunny. But it iz provided wif fins 4 swimmin'. Llamas r danjerus, so iffen u c 1 ware people iz swimmin', u shout…
Omnes:	Look out, thare iz llamas!
G Imlach:	About teh raec, dolt!
NC Boardman:	Oh. Rite. Breakfroupfing escaep ova teh pimpli spottyclime, taek most ov teh snottypoints, get cort in teh finle staegs, TDQ Step duz teh biniz, M Cavendish pwns teh staeg, up grams "Rool Britanya"! Or spaec Nazis. Cud go eitha wa.
G Imlach:	Kwik, 2 teh colemantary Sheds, b4 I comit mass murda!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! E Merckx! Wif M Cavendish! Also M Woods eh & MA Lopez haz goned hoam. Big chutey-bang-bangs! Ne-way, we haz 6 hoapless stooges 3 minits up teh road whom (grammer) I'll naem when I c'n b rsed. Look, see! Teh bull-ring @ Mont-de-Marsan!
Omnes:	That cow dunt look v. intrestd in gorin' teh razateur!
N Boulting:	OK teh breakfroupfing iz J Rutsch M Mohoric S Clarke G Zimmermann F Bonnamour & J Bernard. Now u kno az much az we duz.
SD Millar:	Wowsa! A big froup haz fled teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! Kwite a lot ov kwik peops. In it.
N Boulting:	They haz a nearli a minit alredi! Look, see! T Iramisu r chasin'!
SD Millar:	Rid0rz from mani temes in teh chaes froup! No-1 else chaes on teh front ov teh pelican!
N Boulting:	TB Notorius r helpin' 2. We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, N Politt!
N Politt:	O hai! Mani temes yet 2 pwn a staeg. Maybe teh temes ov teh sprint0rz will controle teh raec. Or not. Pwnin' a staeg maek me soopa happi! Still 3 daze 2 go. We will c wot hapns!
D Friebe:	Sumtiems I h8 this job…
N Boulting:	Rukshns in teh chaesfroup! N Politt assault attack! Teh T AS-TA-NA rid0rz ent workin'!
SD Millar:	Teh pelican iz closin teh gap. Or iz it? OR IZ IT?!?!?
N Boulting:	TB Xchaeng also on teh tip ov teh mitey beek ov teh pelican!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Tiem gapz comin' down!
SD Millar:	Froup 2 big! No cohezhn!
N Boulting:	Crivvens! C Froome & G Thomas takin' turns @ teh head ov teh pelican!
SD Millar:	Froup teh 2nd haz splat. Useless moufs dropped!
N Boulting:	Tite-roep!
SD Millar:	Look, see! An old forgery! Er, forge!
Omnes:	Leev teh hist. 2 M Rendell, Super D!
SD Millar:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	S'pose teh chaes0rz catch teh lead0rz? Mite it revitaliz teh breakfroupfing?
SD Millar:	Um. Elastic?
	[…]
M Rendell:	O hai! Mi sum M Rendell ė mi spikim Idiot! Look, see! Pien treez!
Omnes:	Iffen ur gonna spend ur shift pointin' out pien treez, M Rendell, we cud go off ov u!
M Rendell:	Horsepowwah!
5:	Ware? I can't even c a poney!
TP Kennaugh:	No roolz! Sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE da dunt havter b breakfroupfing cort in teh finle kms & M Cavendish pwn teh staeg! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	T Ineo$! Work @ front ov pelican! They ent gotta sprint0r! Y they do that?
TP Kennaugh:	Gotta sho thare faecs!
M Rendell:	Look, see! Pien treez! Gascony! That's ware we iz! Liek Wessex!
EO Aquitaine:	No it ent!
M Rendell:	O Goldstine! Or iz he O Goldsteen?
Omnes:	Caerful, M Rendell! U'll b akused ov anti-semitism!
M Rendell:	Look, see! Teh chaes0rz haz cort teh lead0rz! 45" seconds ova teh pelican.
TP Kennaugh:	Iz still neerli a 100km 2 go & ne-thing c'n hapn!
M Cavendish:	It ent in mi script, thobut…
M Rendell:	Will teh breakfroupfing b cort, Tiny P?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. No. Maybe. I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh gap iz well ova a minit! Onoz!
T Pelican:	We's havin' a snack! Back on it inna mo'!
TP Kennaugh:	Elastic! M Cavendish ent bovvered! D Ballerina mite pwn teh staeg 4 TDQ Step! M Cavendish c'n still pwn in Paris Paree!
M Rendell:	W Poels! In teh spottyjumper! But onli boro it off ov T Pogačar! Mus' b annoyin'!
W Poels:	Ur not rong, M Rendell! I wuz robbed! Booooo!
TP Kennaugh:	TB Notorius mist teh bus yestada. That'll lern 'em! Still a chiz 4 W Poels thobut!
M Rendell:	Look, see! Pien treez!
Omnes:
M Rendell:	Breakfroupfing haz 3 minits! Shirley iz orl ova?
TP Kennaugh:	Y u corl me "Shirley"? That ent mi naem
	[…]
M Rendell:	Look, see! Pien treez! 0 hapnin so here iz Niec C Boardman!
NC Boardman:	O hai! U onli bring me in when teh raec iz borin'? Wnkrs.
M Rendell:	Ent gonna b a pwn 4 M Cavendish 2da.
TP Kennaugh:	Dunt matta! M Cavendish will pwn teh staeg in Paris Paree! I, TV's numbawang Manx pundit P Kennaugh, sa so!
NC Boardman:	Teh raec will b ded dull 4 teh next 40 km, teh breakfroupfing will start assault attackin' each otha! Becoz I sa so!
EC Boardman:	Teh cutoff 2da iz gonna b about 26 minits! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
NC Boardman:	Teh Eh-Ess-Oh ent gonna thro out teh hole pelican & altho they's s'posed 2 taek every-1's pts off ov them they probly won't do that either. Thare aloud 2 chaeng teh roolz whenevvah they liek!
EC Boardman:	Bah!
M Rendell:	T Pogačar! Mete teh new boss not teh saem az teh old boss!
TP Kennaugh:	When M Kwiatkowski tryd a assault attack T Pogačar rode up 2 him & tole him 2 pack it in!
NC Boardman:	Friction wif T Ineo$. Coz teh pelican iz full ov ova-emoshnul post-t33nag0rz!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack! Look, see! Pien treez!
Omnes:	Doan u start!
N Boulting:	Well, 0 iz hapnin'! Haz we bin harsh on T Ineo$?
SD Millar:	R Carapace haz bin gud, but not gud enuff!
NC Boardman:	T Ineo$ had mani optionz. Most ov teh crasht.
T Pogačar:	That woz ur 1st mistaek, T Ineo$! Roffle.
NC Boardman:	Pien treez! Bored! Boredboredbored!
N Boulting:	Pien treez! Planted in teh 19th senturi 2 stop erosion. Surfin'!
Omnes:	U doned that 1 a cupple ov yeres ago, ***!
N Boulting:	Yebbut not every-1 watchin' now woz watchin' then! Mite teh rid0rz tare up teh script 4 Paris Paree?
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, they mite. But onli iffen it ranes. Breakfroupfings onli work in Paris Paree iffen it ranes. Trufax.
N Boulting:	Promiss?
SD Millar:	Yes.
Omnes:	Now un-X ur fingas, Super D…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap M Mohoric doned a assault attack, J Stuyven counta-assault attack, É "TF" Gesbert…
É "TF" Gesbert:	Onoz! I lost mi spex! Stop teh raec!
SD Millar:	Château d'Yquem! Sauternz! [Sings] Swete wine hay makin' sunshien da breakin'. We c'n wate till 2moro…
Omnes:	TV's Super D Millar: 2 singin' wot chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh iz 2 kwantum mekanix!
SD Millar:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	Breakfroupfing biffin' each otha 2 0 avale!
SD Millar:	0 Wind 0 hillz! V. diff. 2 escaep.
	[…]
N Boulting:	Lots MOAR assault attacks signifyin' 0.
SD Millar:	Mani rid0rz in teh breakfroupfing tryna brake free. M Teunissen iz not…
M Teunissen:	Sssssssh! Oh. I apere 2 haz splat teh froup!
N Boulting:	J Stuyven on teh rong sied ov teh split! D Ballerina 2!
Omnes:
SD Millar:	Definitiv split!
J Stuyven:	C'mon, u wnkrs! Gizza hand!
D Ballerina:	OK. Bai!
J Stuyven:	I dint mene liek that…
D Ballerina:	No matta. I haz xploded! [Xplodes]
J Stuyven:	Wareas I, J Stuyven, haz cort teh lead0rz agane!
M Mohoric:	Wile u lot tit about I, M Mohoric, teh road-raec champ ov Sloveen, shall ried awa 2 pwnage! Oh yes!
	[…]
M Mohoric:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap I, M Mohoric, teh road-raec champ ov Sloveen, hav ganed MOAR'n 30" seconds! Yay! Go me!
N Boulting:	In theori he orter get cort!
SD Millar:	In practiss teh chaes0rz tit about!
N Boulting:	Last lot ov shitverts…
T Shitverts:	Buy! Buy a kiddiewink wif a cleft! Fix ur credit ratin' 2 buy Stuffs!! New! IMPROVED!!1! Stuffs! Buy a funeral & insewerants! Sell ur house! Buy a sik kitteh & a hary doggo & a bunrab! Give us ur munny! Dig up ur grandad!
Bethany (11):	Spaec Nazis wud b a improovmnt!
N Boulting:	M Mohoric still hav 40" seconds. Chaes0rz not chaes consistentli.
SD Millar:	M Mohoric will kno that & not panic.
N Boulting:	M Teunissen! Lurkin'!
M Teunissen:	[Lurks]
N Boulting:	M Mohoric! Turnin' hiz biek in2 a, a, motabiek!
Bethany (11):	Iz he aloud 2 do that?
SD Millar:	Organiz8 urselfs, u dunderheids!
N Boulting:	E Merckx wispa in 2 teh ear'ole ov M Cavendish this mornin'! He sed he hoap M Cavendish pwns teh staeg!
Omnes:	U sure he dint sa "I kno ware ur kidz go 2 skool**"?
N Boulting:	Teh chaes0rz continu 2 tit about.
SD Millar:	J Stuyven red this 1 ded rong! Teh sili!
J Stuyven:	No I nevvah! Look, see! I assault attacks!
N Boulting:	2 ickle 2 laet. Naled on 4 M Mohoric!
M Mohoric:	Top gear! Full gas! No prizn0rz!
C Pedersen:	Even tho iz wa 2 laet, I shall maek chaes!
Omnes:	About tiem sumwun off ov T DSM doned sumfink! Coz u bin a Useless so fa!
M Mohoric:	\o/ Sssssh! B vewwy vewwy kwiet! I's huntin' wabbits not ["eating fruit" – Ed.]!
C Laporte:	C me sneke round C Pedersen & rob 2nd LOL!
C Pedersen:	Piss!
	[Sumwot l8r]
N Boulting:	Pa Xmas hav his offis in Libourne!
SD Millar:
ML Maire:	Teh naem "Libourne" hav teh saem root az Leyburn, in God'z famous Yorkshire! Trufax!
Omnes:	O RLY?
ML Maire:	YA RLY! I went thare on mi holibobs in 1982.
N Boulting:	Teh pelican iz still not 'ere. Back  2 G Imlach et cie!
NC Boardman:	Still 15 temes wifout a staeg pwn!
G Imlach:	We sent ect ect
D Friebe:	O hai, M Walscheid!
M Walscheid:	O hai! Fckd that 1 up, dint I?
	[Very l8r]
M Mohoric:	Can't bleeve it! TDQ Step not control! Soopa big effort 2 get in brake! Dyin' @ end! No ["fruit" – Ed.]! Polis maek me angri! RAAAAAWWWWWR!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A pelican!
D Friebe:	O hai, N Politt!
N Politt:	4 sure a hard fite! Every-1 ded. 4 sure not EZ.
G Imlach:	Tiem-trail 2moro! Woz gonna b teh key staeg & now ent gonna b!
NC Boardman:	J Vingegaard mite haz a go, but T Pogačar will pwn it.
TP Kennaugh:	Noes. WV Aert will pwn it!
Omnes:	LOL &, moreover, roffle!
Bethany (11):	Skool'z out 4 summa! Tiem-trailz iz borin'! Bring on teh spaec Nazis!
*	Trufax. Professor Larrington sent me a screnegrab ov sumfink wot 'er m8 Dokta O'Connell tweted…
**	Joak shaemlessli robbed off ov that citoyen otp

[Pingu]

llamas in teh mist*

Reminds me of Peli ex otp and I pootling up the Tourmaline after Mrs P and Woolly had taken the autobus. Only it was cows not llamas. Otherwise it was exactly the same.

[Mr Larrington]

Hopefully the picture shows up…

[Kim]

Majestik

[Pingu]

Freaky the way they are all sat down 

[Pingu]

Wot Mrs P & I saw:


La Mongie by The Pingus, on Flickr

[Beardy]

They’re not cows thought 

[Mr Larrington]

Same places, same llamas?  You had better weather though.

Also, shouldn’t the caption be LlaMangie?

The natty vicuña one, please.

[Pingu]

Soz.

The pic refers to a previous ascent of the Tourmaline from the amazing cow/mist story.

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 20: Libourne —> Saint-Émilion

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! Penultim8 da ov ur LOLZ0RZ, roffles, gags & jaeps on this yere's Tour ov France curtsey ov me, TV's G Imlach! 2da iz a tiem-trail, wot iz borin'!
NC Boardman:	Ent!
G Imlach:	Iz!
Spaec Hitler:	+++ ZEITFAHREN SIND NICHT LANGLEBIG, WIE WIR SIE MACHEN! +++
G Imlach:	Ur not Spaec Hitler! Ur T Moviestar's AI wif a different langwij moduel pluggd in!
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡MALDITO, G IMLACH! ¡NOS HABRÍAMOS HECHO CON ELLO SI NO FUERA PARA USTEDES NIÑOS ENTREDIDOS! +++
G Imlach:	Tiny P Kennaugh, setle teh debaet 1nce & 4 orl! Iz tiem-trailz borin'?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. No. Maybe. Dependz on wether thare's ne Spaec Nazis around. I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	Rite, that's definitv! Tiem-trailz iz onli intrestin' iffen they haz Spaec Nazis! R thare any Spaec Nazis here 2da, Niec C?
NC Boardman:	Er, um, well I ent seed ne! But they cud b hidin' bhind treez or sumfink…
G Imlach:	Prepaer 2 b bored, grilz & boiz! Who shall pwn teh staeg?
NC Boardman:	Liek I sed yesterda, J Vingegaard will go full gas 4 sure but T Pogačar will pwn it.
TP Kennaugh:	& liek I sed yesterda, ur rong! WV Aert hav bin savin' hiz legses & will pwn it wif eeze!
Bethany (11):	Sorted 4 E's & Wizz ba-dumm TISH!!1!
TP Kennaugh:	Doan get it…
Bethany (11):	Iz a song, Tiny P. A song about ["fruit" – Ed.].
TP Kennaugh:	Noap, u los' me…
G Imlach:	Whitha S Küng? Or even J Alaphilippe or TD Gendt?
Omnes:	Roffle &, moreover, LOLZ0RZ!
G Imlach:	Wot ov BO Connor? Since teh raec beginned we's bin bangin' on about how R Carapace can't tiem-trail 4 tooffe! How gud iz BO Connor @ tiem-traillin'?
NC Boardman:	Not gud enuff 2 taek 2 & a 1/2 minits off ov R Carapace ova 30 killametres, wotever wa u sliec it! Not unless R Carapace iz assault attacked bi teh ["she who must not b naemd" – Ed.], falls off ov hiz biek & haz hiz r. weel xplode liek wot hapnd 2 $USAnian* that tiem!
TP Kennaugh:	Or Spaec Nazis! Doan 4get teh Spaec Nazis!
G Imlach:	Thare! Ent! No! Spaec! Nazis! U! Chirpy! Manx! Idiot! Go camp it up inna Munny Soopamarkit shitvert!
Bethany (11):	Thare ent no Fatha X-Max neither, Tiny P! Iz ur Dad wif a hat on & a pillo stuft up hiz jumper!
TP Kennaugh:	O RLY?
Bethany (11):	YA RLY!
TP Kennaugh:	[Starts blubbin'] I h8 u all!
G Imlach:	Altho teh 1st rid0r 2 start, wot woz T Declercq, doned so neerli 3 (three) owwas ago, we can't xpekt *** & Super D 2 kepe it up 4 that long…
Bethany (11):	Fnarr &, moreover, fnarr!
Omnes:	We's shokt, Bethany (11)! We fort u dint do nob gags!
Bethany (11):	2 gud a oppatuniti 2 miss! Open gole!
G Imlach:	Shut! Up! So, liek I woz sayin' teh current lead0r iz K Asgreen, we's cuttin' 2 teh colemantary Sheds & me & Niec C iz off 2 teh pubbe! Njoi!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Saint-Émilion! Pourquoi ne pas visiter Saint-Émilion pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine? Découvrez ses châteaux emblématiques, buvez ses vins emblématiques et laissez-vous traîner hors du caniveau par ses policiers emblématiques! We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish! U bete C Froome! Agane!
M Cavendish:	O hai! I's priti æro but I ent nevvah gonna pwn a tiem-trail! Gr8 atmosphear! Vineyards!
D Friebe:	I ent nevvah aksed u about wine!
M Cavendish:	I's 2 much ov a scumbag 4 that! Not liek u, ya posho!
Omnes:	How pikey duz u havter b 2 fink noted curlifckr D Friebe iz a posho?
N Boulting:	S Küng! Fastest @ 1st tiem check but goin' slo orl ov a sud'n!
SD Millar:	I rekn 'e jus' ent got teh powwah 2da!
S Küng:	Piss!
N Boulting:	No R Dennis no F Ga………NA! S Küng mus' b hoppin' mad!
S Küng:	[Hops]
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! E Buchmannonymous!
E Buchmann's Mutti:	Emanuel? Wo bist du? Wir sollen heute deine Oma und deinen Opa besuchen!
E Buchmann:	Crumbs! That's torn it!
N Boulting:	Wind!
SD Millar:	Wind!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Wind!
N Boulting:	J Alaphilippe! He orter go gud 2da!
SD Millar:	Most rid0rz assault attack tiem-trails even iffen they can't pwn it! J Alaphilippe deserve a da off thobut!
Omnes:	That'd b how M Cavendish bete T Martin in teh 1st tiem-trail this yere, then!
SD Millar:	I h8 u all! Thobut it look liek J Alaphilippe ent goin' full gas 4 sure!
N Boulting:	G Thomas R Porte! Neitha ov 'em donin' ne-thing spesh! J Castroviejo mite go gud 2da!
SD Millar:	Ded æro, J Castroviejo! Hiz posishn on teh tiem-trail biek iz teh bonkas!
N Boulting:	Yestada we had G Thomas R Porte C Froome & W Poels donin' turn on teh front ov teh pelican!
SD Millar:	4 rid0rz worth MOAR'n sum temes' hole budgets LOL!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A Valverde (90)!
A Valverde (90):	¡O holai! ¡Think I's gonna leeve goin' 2 Spaign-o until Monda!
N Boulting:	[Long stori about les vins de Pomerol]
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	TB Notorius lede teh teme comp!
SD Millar:	No-1 caers, u kno! Leest ov orl me!
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡SOMOS INVENCIBLES! ¡NO PODEMOS PERDER LA COMPETENCIA POR EQUIPOS! ¡HA SIDO UN ERROR! +++
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert!
SD Millar:	I rekn he's gonna pwn this 1!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Donovan!
M Donovan:	O hai! Niec course! Wind! Not bad! Lookin' 4ward 2 Paris Paree! Will b hard @ teh end. 4 sure. PS: mi Mum died jus' b4 teh Tour ov France!
SD Millar:	I'll tell u about mi muvva!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe! Tryin' a bit harda!
SD Millar:	Iz coz toute la France iz shoutin' @ 'im!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A Papier-Peinture!
SD Millar:	I orlwaze fink ov 'im az A Pairo-Pants!
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert fastest @ 1st TC!
	[…]
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	O hai! Not tri 2 hard! Onli 1 (one) weke 2 teh Olimpix road raec! Niec course. Niec roads. Shaem we cudn't stop 4 a botle glass ov wine roffle!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe!
SD Millar:	Look, see! Givin' 2 M Mohorič!
N Boulting:	Not v. fast thobut!
J Alaphilippe:	Bof!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! Appendicitis! Olympix! Wurrrrrld champz0rz!
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe ent donin' teh Olimpix road-raec!
Bethany (11):	U frit or sumfink, J Alaphilippe?
J Alaphilippe:	Bof!
ML Maire:	Ooh, thare's clevvah. Teh Eh-Ess-Oh iz showin' wot gearz teh rid0rz iz usin'!
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert iz 25" seconds fastest @ TC 2! Wowsa!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Vingegaard! He bete WV Aert in teh 1st tiem-trail!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard willen b goin' full gas 4 sure!
WV Aert:	Ur in mi chare, BACON-boi! 21" seconds! w00t!
K Asgreen:	Shittens!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Bethany's Da…R Urán! Whoopsie!
R Urán:	O hai clouds o hai sky o hai crash barrio! Still, I ent felled off ov mi biek!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! Iz slo'r 'n WV Aert! Bigly! J Vingegaard 2, but fasta'n T Pogačar!
SD Millar:	Diff. 4 T Pogačar 2 catch up from thare!
N Boulting:	Look, see! P Bilbao iz havin' a fite wif hiz radio!
P Bilbao:	Fkn thing's stuk on HappiSound FM! Y it not pla spede met'l?
N Boulting:	Fkn timin' sistm! Not tellin' us wot E Mas iz donin'! A Lutsenko a fret 2 hiz posishn!
SD Millar:	Look, see! J Vingegaard! Goin' liek teh clappas!
N Boulting:	BO Connor! Onli 1" second bhind W Kelderman @ TC2. Shud b saef in 4th!
SD Millar:	R Carapace! Fasta'n BO Connor & W Kelderman @ TC2!
N Boulting:	J Vingegaard! Still bhind WV Aert @ TC2…
SD Millar:	T Pogačar! WTF?
N Boulting:	Onli 7th @ TC2! MOAR'n 30" seconds bhind WV Aert!
	[…]
BO Connor:	w00t! 4th plaec in teh Gee-See iz mien orl mien! Ne-1 fanci a BEER?
Le Maire de St-Émilion:	Brûlez l'hérétique!
J Vingegaard:	Onoz! Bete bi WV Aert! K Asgreen alsø!
T Pogačar:	Onoz! Bete bi WV Aert & J Vingegaard! Onli 8th? WTF?
WV Aert:	\o/ 4 sure big ambishn 2 pwn Tour ov France tiem-trail! Course soot me! Soopa hard raec! Onli 4 ov teme left but we pwn staegs & J Vingegaard come 2nd! w00t!
TP Kennaugh:	See! I tole u! I! Fukn! Tole! U! Wnkrs!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Top ten (10) still teh saem az they woz this mornin'. WV Aert!
NC Boardman:	Olimpix! Much MOAR lumpy course!
TP Kennaugh:	T Pogačar taek it EZ. Not wanna done a chute! Sensibubble!
D Friebe:	O hai, BO Connor!
BO Connor:	O hai! Dint kwite go accordin' 2 plan but no wurriez!
D Friebe:	O hai, W Kelderman!
W Kelderman:	O hai! Priti happi! 4 sure!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! Iz speshul!
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, he iz!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! Onli 22 & haz pwned 2 (two) Tours ov Frances! Yunga'n E Merckx & L Fignon wen they pwned it teh 1st tiem!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar! Amazeballs!
G Imlach:	So teh Tour ov France iz neerli finish boo hoo sob! C'n M Cavendish pwn teh staeg? They's moved teh finish!
EC Boardman:	I hoap no-1 tole teh rid0rz! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
*	This Unit thinks it woz Super D Millar's m8 Super D Zabriskie but Mr Google ent bein' helpful…

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 21: Chatou —> Paris Champs-Élysées

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & onoz & o waily waily! 'tis teh v. last staeg ov teh Tour ov France so from 2moro ur all gonna b breft, on acount ov it bein' anuvva forty-nine (49) wekes until u, teh viewz0rz, is on teh receevin' end ov teh non-sop barrij ov joaks, mirth and orl-round LOLsumness from me, TV's G Imlach!
Bethany (11):	R we neerli thare yet roffle?
G Imlach:	Oh ha ha! 1st tiem I herd that 1 I laarrffed so hard I dint look ware I wuz goin' & got thagomised!
Bethany (11):	U got wot?!?!?
G Imlach:	Thagomised!
Bethany (11):	Thare ent no such word!
G Imlach:	Iz so! Iz a perfickli cromulent word!
Bethany (11):	Wossit mene, then?
G Imlach:	Teh big lumpy spiky fing wot sum di-no-sores had on teh end ov thare taleses? Thass corled teh thagomiser! Or teh thagomizer iffen ur USAnian!
Bethany (11):	U lie, G Imlach!
G Imlach:	No I dunt! Look it up, y doan u!
	FX: chainsaw, rugby union scrum engaging, low-flying Spitfire, boxer hitting a punchbag, 1000 meeces squeaking, harps celestial, teleprinter
Bethany (11):	"Blackburn Rovers 5 - 2 Birmingham City"? I must ov typed it rong… oh, hang on… "A thagomizer (/ˈθæɡəmaɪzər/) iz teh distinctive arrangement ov 4 spieks on teh taleses ov stegosaurine dinosores. These spikes r beleeved 2 ov been a defensive measure against predators. Teh term thagomizer woz coined bi Gary Larson in jest. In a 1982 Teh Far Sied carton, a groop ov cavemen in a faux-modern lecture hall iz tort bi thare caveman professor that teh spikes on a stegosaur's tale iz so named "afta teh late Thag Simmons". Teh term woz picked up initially bi Kenneth Carpenter, wot woz a paleontologist at teh Denver Museum ov Nature & Science, who used teh term when describing a fossil at teh Society ov Vertebrate Paleontology Annual Meeting in 1993. Thagomizer has since bin adopted as a informal anatomical term, and iz used bi teh Smiffsonian Institution, teh Dinosaur Nashnul Monument, teh bok Teh Compleet Dinosore & teh BBC documentary series Planet Dinosore". Fckles. Iz troo! 'ere! Iz u sayin' mi joak's a old 1, G Imlach?
G Imlach:	Ononononononononoyes.
Bethany (11):	Git!!1!
Omnes:	That wuz priti mild comin' from u, Bethany (11)!
Bethany (11):	Thass coz I's inna gud mood innit!
Omnes:	Wot even afta ur Da…R Urán had such a horble tiem in teh Pyra-knees?
Bethany (11):	Yeh, onli I ent aloud 2 tell ne-1 y yet! Izza SEEKRIT!
G Imlach:	Now we's intreegd…
Bethany (11):	I! Tole! U! Izza! SEEKRIT!
Omnes:	Iz u & Niec C gonna colemantate on teh Olimpix 4 teh Anabasis ov Xenophon Servis ov teh Bee-Bee-See?
Bethany (11):	I! Tole! U! Izza! SEEKRIT! Now! Fck! Off!
Omnes:	Ooooh! Tetchy!!1!
G Imlach:	So. Teh biek raec. Ur no fan ov teh trad. arr. tittin' about, r u, Niec C?
NC Boardman:	No. No, I iz not!
TP Kennaugh:	Ur a ole miseri-guts, Niec C! Wot cud b MOAR phun than stayin' indoors till afta lunch, and then teh annyul ried 2 teh gr8 Triumphal Arch is, er, a grand triumphal march. Observed bi each observer wif teh keenness of a hawk, I's a mass of money, linen, silk and starch, I… er, um, I 4gotted teh next bit!
Omnes:	Tiny P Kennaugh; teh action man wot caem hoam b0rke from Laxey bingo!
TP Kennaugh:	I h8 u all!
EC Boardman:	Me & EO Aquitaine cud fink ov a few fings wot's MOAR phun! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
G Imlach:	U still rekn thare cud b a suksesful breakfroupfing 2da, Niec C?
NC Boardman:	Haz bin such a bonkas Tour ov France I wudn't b @ orl supriesd! Thobut iz MOAR likeli that M Cavendish will pwn teh staeg…
EO Aquitaine:	He'd betta, pal or ur in depe trub! We new how 2 deel wif fals profits in mi da!
EC Boardman:	Iffen it invlvs decapitashn I's orl 4 it! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
G Imlach:	Niec C will no dowt b releevd 2 lern that we ent even startin' r covverij until teh rid0rz has bin goin' 4 forty-five (45) minits, so they'll ov doned teh spottyclime & teh shampane & teh fotobommin' & jenrl tittin' about b4 we let *** & Super D out ov thare hutch!
Omnes:	Y u not haz Dokta Hutch on agane? He's ded funneh, he iz!
G Imlach:	Um, er, lojistikl reezns! Did u kno J Birbsong haz goned hoam? Olimpix, he sez…
Omnes:	Doan chaeng teh subj.! Ur scairt! Ur stark frit, G Imlach, on acount ov how Dokta Hutch is much MOAR funneh'n u!
Bethany (11):	Yeah! Swepe asied teh old brigaed! Out wif teh ded wood, teh useless moufs & teh old gits! Stand asied 4 me, Bef'ny (11), Dokta Hutch (47) & EO Aquitaine (919), er, I'll come in agane, shall I?
TP Kennaugh:	Oi! I's onli 32 & from teh Isle ov Man! An' I's onli a inch shorta'n teh C Boardmen! Stop pickin' on me, u horbles!
Bethany (11):	I brakes it 2 u gentli, Tiny P. U falls in teh "Useless Mouf" cat.
TP Kennaugh:	I ent useless! I predicted teh podium rite last yere! I sed WV Aert wld pwn teh tiem-trail yesterda! & teh onli fing I gotted rong about ur Da…R Urán's fallin' off ov teh podium woz how bad 'e wuz gonna fa… I, er, I've goned 2 far, ent I?
Bethany (11):	Youse is gonna regret that, Tiny P!
	FX: running boots, car door slamming, engine starting, furious V12 scream cobbed off ov a 250 GTO, squealing tyres, car door slamming agane, jet aircraft taking off, FOREIGN country-stylee cacophony of car horns, waves breaking on beach, seagulls
Bethany (11):	And so perish all enemies ov teh Bef'ny (11)! Ha!
5's Mummy:	That was a teeny bit naughty, Bethany dear. Although he is an annoying little squit sometimes…
G Imlach:	Kwik! 2 teh colemantary Sheds b4 Bethany (11) causes a Diplomatik Insidnt!
	[…]
D Friebe:	O hai! I iz in Paris Paree wile u, u r not roffle! [Indic8s Eiffel Towwa] See! Now I shall summariez teh Tour ov France from teh perspektv ov M Cavendish! I mite even menshn E Merckx!
Omnes:	Shirley u mene "teh Belgian rid0r"?
D Friebe:
Omnes:	Iz a paralel wif "teh Scottish restaurant", D Friebe.
D Friebe:	Oh. Rite.
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! Paris Paree! Ent it brilliant?
SD Millar:	O hai! Y, yes, ***! Yes, it iz!
A Hidalgo & E Macrobe [in stereo]:	We's wotchin' u, Boulting! Mind ur pees & queueueueues iffen u evvah wanna set ur feetses in la belle France agane!
N Boulting:	Afta orl mi unstintin' work pluggin' teh small townz ov ur fare cuntri? No pleezin' sum peops!
E Macrobe:	I 'ope les maires de France did not pai u wif public munny, ***!
N Boulting:	Not mi promble, innit! Look, see! Dånez! Thare teh nu Belgians!
WV Aert:	O RLY!
N Boulting:	[Rapid bodyswerve] A Greipel! He's retirin' @ teh end ov teh seezn!
Omnes:	MUNKEH!!1!
A Greipel:	I ent gonna miss u wnkrs! Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	Look, see! P Rolland! Teh French Frenchman wif teh French naem! Noted curlifckr TV's D Friebe haz nooz ov teh finish!
D Friebe:	Teh last 200 meetaz iz a bit downeri hillary! O hai, C Froome!
C Froome:	O hai! A awardz? How niec! I'll b bak hahahahahaha!
G Thomas:	O hai! A awardz! How niec! 4 lyin' down on teh job, u sa? Pah! I's still 'ere LOL!
N Boulting:	Vers-eye! Ent Vers-eye brilliant?
EO Aquitaine:	I's jellus now! Bah!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Vers-eye! Ent Vers-eye brilliant? We's got teh hole colemantary teme in teh Sheds!
SD Millar:	Get ur elbo out ov mi ear'ole, Niec C!
EC Boardman:	That woz me! Onli it wunt mi elbo! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
SD Millar:	Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!
M Rendell:	O hai! Mi sunt M Rendall òc mi spikim in tungs! I givim this Tour ov France 7/10!
SD Millar:	I avridges it out 2 a 8 ov ten (10)!
TP Kennaugh [via e-mail]:	I gives it, er, 1, 2, sevving, fore, NINE! I's on teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	O RLY?
TP Kennaugh:	Iffen I sez I's on teh Isle ov Man then Bethany (11) willen luk 4 me thare, not ware I reeli iz!
EC Boardman:	So ware iz u?
TP Kennaugh:	Eye-beezer! Oh. Fckles!
Bethany (11):	How u spell that?
NC Boardman:	I gives it 7 (seven) coz it got a bit borin' @ tiems.
N Boulting:	U wot? Wot ov M Mohoric B Mollema P Konrad BO Connor D Teuns N Politt S Kuss ect ect?
NC Boardman:	Yebbut, apart from teh aqueduct…
N Boulting:	We's neerli in Paris Paree! Here's TV's Ant & Dick tryna sell u a bnk acount!
Omnes:	Lok us in teh seller & fede us pinz!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Issy-les-Moulinex! Tv.fr liv 'ere! They duz orl teh amazeballs pikchas!
Pingu:	Not very good @ findin' vautours, thobut! Nede 2 tri harda next yere!
N Boulting:	TUAE Emirates lede teh pelican! 1 ov onli 4 (four) temes wot still haz all thare rid0rz!
SD Millar:
N Boulting:	Look, see! R Carapace haz goned 2 c teh dokta! Wonda y?
R Carapace:	Iz teh altitood! Bein' this lo maek me feel sik LOL!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Paris Paree! Pongggg Neuf! Mme la Maire ov Paris Paree ded kene on bieks! Gonna pedestren8 parts ov teh Chomps-Élizy! La Loofa!
Omnes:	Iz Bethany's Da…R Urán wavin' hiz armz @ it agane!
SD Millar:	Iffen he did we dint c it. Look, see! Teh Roo ov Ravioli! No peops thare! Booo! 2 quiet!
N Boulting:	En-fan! Teh Chomps-Élizy! TUAE Emirates blok teh road 2 waev 2 teh crowd!
T Pogačar:	O hai!
SD Millar:	Ded EZ 2 control teh raec on teh Chomps-Élizy. Unless iz ranin'. But it ent. Look, see! Big breakfroupfing, wot will acheev this: 0.
N Boulting:	TDQ Step on teh caes. Look, see! M Cavendish! Warin' ovashooz!
SD Millar:	4 æro, not coz 'e rekns iz gonna rane…
P Bilbao:	Onoz! Mi gearz0rz nede rebootin'!
N Boulting:	P Bilbao! Onli him & D Martin hav doned 4 (four) Grantorz in twelve (12) months!
D Martin:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Nogweegie Corna! Wif, er, 0 Nogweegies. On it.
Nøgweegia:	Not much 2 showt about this yere ne-way… AG Jansen & EH Boson goned hoam ages ago…
N Boulting:	4 rid0rz haz nerli 1/2 a minit C Pedersen H Sweeny P Konrad S Bissegger! T DSM ent gonna work @ teh front wile they haz a rid0r in teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	Not ne MOAR they dunt! C Pedersen hav disappeared!
TP Kennaugh:	Woz it Spaec Nazis?
Omnes:
N Boulting:	Snottysprint cometh! Look, see! Altho teh breakfroupfing & anuvva random nutta have mopped up teh big points M Cavendish hav pwned M Matthews!
M Cavendish:	Teh snottyjumper iz mine! MINE!!1!
M Matthews:	Doan liek teh culla ne-way! Clashiz wif mi ear-ringz!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap L'Armée de l'Air haz showed up!
S/L de Beeggles:	O hai! U liek mi plane?
T Pogačar:	Sho duz, Mistah Flyboi
N Boulting:	Teh breakfroupfing haz bin cort!
SD Millar:	TDQ Step covva evryfing!
TDQ Step:	Oi! Ent u lot red teh script?
N Boulting:	P Gilbert & I Schelling assault attack! J Alaphilippe go wif 'em!
J Alaphilippe:	Ignoar me! I's jus' tittin' about!
A Perez:	Onoz! A bag ov plasteek iz cort in mi disraeli!
T Cofidis Mekanik:	It'd b a lot eezier 2 remoov it iffen u woz o teh otha side ov teh car, clot!
N Boulting:	Last shitvert brake! I promiss!
Omnes:	It's betta b, or Bethany (11)'s gonna sort u out afta she's liquid8d chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap we's bin treetd 2 teh seenic tour ov Paris Paree! Look, see! Teh Sacred Coo!
B Dickinson:	Bit quiet, ent it? No coobell…
N Boulting:	I Schelling BV Moer & MV Hundahl haz 23" seconds. TDQ Step lead teh pelican.
SD Millar:	T DSM also. Work 4 C Bol.
N Boulting:	M Mørkøv! Amazeballs lede-out! Smoooov accelerashn! Not liek M Renshaw.
SD Millar:	Iz gud wa 2 done it. No stress on M Cavendish.
N Boulting:	T Declercq lede teh pelican! Iz a monsta! Look, see! S Colbrelli teh champignon ov Italy!
Omnes:	Coff! Coff! ["Fruit!" – Ed.]
SD Millar:	TDQ Step haz it unda control. D Devenyns T Declercq M Kitteh-Neo rot8 @ front ov pelican! J Alaphilippe iz lurkin' sumware 2!
J Alaphilippe:	U haz no ideer how hard zis iz!
SD Millar:	Look, see! T Pogačar haz 1 spottyshoo & 1 shinyshoo!
Omnes:
N Boulting:	TB&BHPB KTM assault attack! C Gautier & F Bonnamour, wot pwned teh Soopa-Combativité! TA Fenix T DSM also @ front ov teh pelican!
SD Millar:	T Iramisu 2! T Moviestar! Even T AS-TA-NA! Wowsa!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe 2 teh front! M Kitteh-Neo also! A Turgis! Dropped out ov teh pelican's fethery bum! LK Elissonde hav a prob wif hiz biek! Radio Free Prudhomme sez debree on teh road! Onoz!
T Bell:	Ding &, moreover, dong!
ML Maire:	I daern't watch!
N Boulting:	M Kwiatkowski & G Thomas assault attack!
SD Millar:	N Politt & L Pöstlberger assault attack!
N Boulting:	Assault attacks amount 2 0.
SD Millar:	M Cavendish movin' up wif M Mørkøv!
ML Maire:	Eeep! [Dievs bhind sofa]
WV Aert:	\o/
M Cavendish:	Fckfckfckfckfck!
Omnes:	This ^^^^ Bah!
T Pogačar:	Oi! Rememba me?
	[…]
G Imlach:	WV Aert! Pwned on teh Von-2, pwned teh tiem-trail & now on teh Chomps-Élizy!
WV Aert:	Priecless! Yay 4 teh teme & esp. M Teunissen! Gotta run! Gotta plaen 2 catch! Tokyo here I comes!
TP Kennaugh:	Mite M Cavendish ov doned betta iffen he'd stuk wif M Mørkøv?
Bethany (11):	I herd that! U betta slepe wif teh lites on 2nite, Tiny P!
G Imlach:	We c'n tell u MOAR afta we's used up teh kwota ov shitverts!
Omnes:	FFS!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Look, see! A masheen ritin' "T Pogačar" onna meddle!
Engraving Machine:	W-O-U-T V-A…
G Imlach:	Arse!
N Boulting:	Tour ov France! Iz v. er, French!
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, it is.
N Boulting:	Look, see! They's aktuli bilt teh podium on tiem! Here iz WV Aert! Wif a Van Aertling!
E Merckx:	Hurrah! Hurrah 4 Belgium & poo on teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	GIT!!1!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Here iz teh Soopa-Combatif F Bonnamour!
F Bonnamour:	Oooh! Hai, Maman!
C Prudhomme:	OK, sonny, push off! We's got a lot 2 get froo!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh teme comp!
SD Millar:	I pwned that once! Not that ne-1 noticed!
N Boulting:	Iz TB Notorius!
Omnes:	Coff! Coff! ["Fruit!" – Ed.]
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¿NOVENO? ¡NO COMPUTA! +++
C Prudhomme:	Off u fck! Next!
N Boulting:	Juniorshinyjumper! T Pogačar! He cud pwn it three (3) MOAR tiems, teh wippasnappa!
T Pogačar:	Can't we do orl 3 at once so's we c'n go 2 teh pubbe?
C Prudhomme:	No. Clere off & come back in ur spottyjumper!
T Pogačar:	Bah!
N Boulting:	W Poels wuz robbed!
W Poels:	I wuz robbed!
N Boulting:	Tho u did aks T Pogačar 2 sine ur spottyjumper this arvo!
W Poels:	Big zlotys on Ebay!
N Boulting:	Snottyjumper! M Ca-von-DEEEEEEEEEEESH! Accompnd bi sum small Cavendishs. Mite he come bak next yere?
SD Millar:	Who knos? B a laarrff. He'll wunt MOAR munny thobut roffle!
N Boulting:	Shinyjumper! T Pogačar agane! He's a bit good, no?
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, he is. [Aside] Damn him!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Vingegaard & R Carapace wif T Pogačar & mani sprogs!
J Vingegaard:	Next yere, m8!
Omnes:	Speech! Speech!
T Pogačar:	Sumtiems I h8 this job! Ta, every-1! Fantastic, amazin'! Gr8 teme! Soopa-happi! Yes. Soopa-happi!
	[…]
G Imlach:	We haz hilites @…
N Boulting:	Pub!

So there you have it. The P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® Awardz0rz will follow 2moz, because the SCIENCE needs a Proper Computer and this Unit still has F1 to watch.

[Pingu]

 

[Mr Larrington]

So iz tiem 4 teh Utterly Subjective P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® Tour Ov France Awards 2021 Sponsored "Teh Gote & Vautour - Fine Alez, Winez'n Dinin'!" A Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh House ov Refreshment!

(click to show/hide)

What	Who	Why
Teh P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® Man Ov Teh Match Without Actually Pwning Teh Tour:	M Cavendish	Last-minit sub, pwned 4 staegs, teh snottyjumper & ["teh Belgian rider" - Ed.] & a BRITON 2 b00t!
Teh P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® Man Ov Teh Match Without Actually Pwning A Jumper:	WV Aert	He sprints! He climbs! He tiem-trails! He's a ["fkn freek" - Super D Millar]. Even iffen he did stop M Cavendish from totes pwning ["teh Belgian rider" - Ed.].
Honourable mention:	J Alaphilippe	Where is J Alaphilippe 2day? In a break just 4 teh LOLZ0RZ? In l'autobus helpin' M Cavendish? Leading teh TDQ Step sprint trane? Standin' on hiz head wile jugglin' ice-creem?
Le Prix Harding 4 Wastes Ov Money (Induhvidual):	C Froome	Lost 14 minits on teh 1st staeg & got progressively worser.
Dishonourable mention:	TD Gendt agane	Headbangersaurus belgicae was missing his BFF T Wellens agane & should ov gone hoam early & come back next week 2 pwn teh Olympix Road-Raec 2 teh acclaim ov World+Dog.
	G Thomas	Fell off ov his biek on a spede bump?
Le Prix Harding 4 Wastes Ov Money (Team):	T DSM	Pwned 3 staegs as T Sunweb last yere; chaengd teh title spons0rz & fired M Hirschi; doned kwite a lot ov work this yere & acheevd this: 0
Dishonourable mentions:	TA Catsick	Onli got picked 4 teh Tour @ orl becoz W Barguil. Who goned hoam erli. Az did 4 (four) teme-maets. I Montoya N Quintana a rubbish. Agane. Kept leevin' pore DED N Bouhanni on hiz tod in teh mntns, & so on.
	T Moviestar	Onli T Moviestar's AI cud instruct rid0rz 2 go full gas soopa hard @ teh front ov teh pelican when A Valverde (90) iz chasin' 4 teh stage pwn. Also they onli came 9th in teh Teme Comp. LOL.
Teh U Ent Seed Me, Rite? Glasscock 4 Being A Gee-See Contend0r From Noware:	J Vingegaard	["Who he?" - Ed, 3 wekes ago]
Honourable mention:	BO Connor	O hai! Fanci a BEER?
ML Maire's Garland Ov Horble Spiky Leafs 4 Teh Wurst Shitvert:	Fck Love Island	Trailer 4 a prog ratha'n a shitvert but did u evvah c such an horble collecshn ov gits in ur lief?
El Premio MA Lopez 4 Bestest Chute:	No award this yere	2 mani chutes 2 chooz from, tho SK Andersen aksin' 4 a team ov Sherpas 2 get him out ov teh hole on Staeg 13 maed Evil C Boardman roffle.
Teh PJ Durand Prix 4 Futile Breakery:	I Schelling	Pwned teh spottyjumper erli on & thort teh hole thing woz a jiant LOLZ0RZ moment.
Teh "Well Phil" Cup 4 Teh Most Mispronounced Naem Ov Teh Race:	J Vingegaard	Vin-ga-gor? Vin-ga-gard? Vin-ye-gol? Luxury-Yot? Y not just ask 'im? Or aks Mr W Pigs otp @ leest.
Birb Ov Teh Month:	Teh Vautour. V-A-U-T-O-U-R. Vautour. Agane.	It's big, it's brown and & it ent a BEARS.
La Trofeo Cabinetti 4 Talkin' 24-Carrot Bum-Gravy:	TV's M Rendell	On Staeg 14, K Asgreen & V Nibbles were, apparently, chasin' V Nibbles...
Dishonourable mention:	TV's N Boulting	Consistenli misidentifyin' neerli evry memba ov TJ Visma as WV Aert, in teh jumper ov road-raec champion ov Belgium
Teh Yates Bros Microfone d'Or 4 Interviews Conveying Absolutely 0:	99% ov teh pelican	Full gas soopa hard soopa niec soopa happi iz still a long wa 2 Paris Paree & ne-thing c'n hap'n. 4 sure!
El T Moviestar Premio Pepino de Plástico por Golpes Maestros Tácticos:	T Ineo$	Iffen @ 1st u doan suksede, tri teh exact saem tictacs agane, becoz no-1 will xpekt that!
Grote Prijs Super D Millar 4 Wankhatteri:	GV Laundromat agane	Ur martlehat, GV Laundromat! Plz 2 burn it.

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5:	So come on, Bef'ny, wot's ur big SEEKRIT?
Bethany (11):	Can't tell u! Iz a SEEKRIT!
5:	Awwwwww! Wispa it mi priti ickle ear'ole! Go on o u mite!
Bethany (11):	Promiss u ent gonna tell no-1?
5:	Promiss! X mi hart & hoap 2 di wifout a poney! Or kumquats!
Bethany (11):	Ppmffm Mpmmmm...Pff Fmfpffmmmppp mffffp fmpmmmpmpmffppp' ppmmpp 2 FmfFmmMmmpppmffmmm 4 fmpmppmfp mfpppfpmfmffmmpppfmmpffp!
5:	Ur Da...R Urán? Takin' u 2 USAnia 4 teh holibobz? Srsly?
Bethany (11):	Now look wot u doned! Iffen Gnomeland Securitatty dunt let me in iz orl ur folt!
5:	Noooooooooo! I's soz! Daddy? C'n Bef'ny & her Da...R Urán boro ur Golfstreem 2 sneke in teh bak dor ov USAnia?
5's Daddy:	Aye, that tha can! Tho tha's not 2 tri 2 driev it, Bethany (11)!
Omnes:	Aaaaaah! Squeeee! We wuv a soopa happi endin'!