EO Aquitaine: | Lemme out, u slags! I's supposed 2 b punditin' 4 P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® on thee Tour ov France! |
E Macrobe: | U kno teh law, EO Aquitaine! Dead people r not allowed out ov teh gravy in case u spread plague, pestilence, rabies & Coronalurgi! |
EO Aquitaine: | I bin vaccinated, u cnt! Twice. Now let me out b4 I haz ur head chopped off! I's a fukn kween! |
E Macrobe: | On ur head b it, EO Aquitaine! |
EO Aquitaine: | I c wot u doned there, E Macrobe. Trés drôle! Not. |
Omnes: | Enough already! Look, see! TV's G Imlach & hiz moth-eaten sqrl barnet r nigh! |
| Grams: Accordion music sprays comme l'insecticide from teh loudsqueakers |
G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV's G Imlach teh Master ov Quick Wit & Ready Repartee! & u, u r not! LOL &, moreover, Roffle! |
Omnes: | Master ov KwikFit, MOAR like bad-dum, TISH!!1! |
G Imlach: | Fck off! Srsly, fck rite off. Iz mi show! I make teh joaks round here! Go on, off u fck! |
Omnes: | Iz there teh foopball on ITV1, perchance? |
G Imlach: | Ur barred! |
Omnes: | No, r Bard iz W Shaky-Speer ba-dum, TISH!!1! |
G Imlach: | Never work wif childrens, aminals or yacf, teh hopeless fukn rabble ov pelican dung! Talkin' ov childrens & aminals, haz ne 1 seed Bethany (11) recently? |
| FX: ringing TrimfoneTM® |
G Imlach: | O hai! P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM®, wurrrld's gratest LOLmeister G Imlach speakin'… |
Bethany (11): | O hai, G Imlach! Iz me, Bef'ny, innit! Er, I mite b a bit l8… |
G Imlach: | Where TF r u? |
Bethany (11): | Fck knos. Lots ov sand tho. |
G Imlach: | Please tell me, Bethany (11), that u didn't really join teh French FOREIGN Legion? |
Bethany (11): | That's Sergeant Bethany 2 u, rodent-bonce! |
Omnes: | Iffen Bethany (11) iz part ov a peace-keepin' force in that Africa, that they haz now, expect WW3 2 kick off in Timbuktu! |
Bethany (11): | s OK. 5's old man bort me out but 'is Golfstreem iz in 4 a servis & teh tacksi servis round 'ere iz terible. I's tryna hop a lift 2 Mar-say but iz triki. |
Omnes: | Use ur feminine wilez, Bethany (11)! |
Bethany (11): | Fck! Off! I's gonna start teh patriarky-smashin' wif u wnkrs! Crrrg…… bbzzzzpf…… [NO CARRIER] |
Omnes: | Ulp! That's us told! |
G Imlach: | Shut! Up! Teh fukn bike race ent even started & u lot r fitin' already. Now stop it or EO Aquitaine will haz all ur heads chopped off! |
EO Aquitaine: | w00t! |
Omnes: | Thorry, mathter… |
G Imlach: | Fascinatin' race in prospect, so we asked… |
A Neill*: | Hello! I am TV's A Neill! Give me money 4 mi excellent TV station which iz excellent or I'll call u all "woks"! On camera! Hah! |
Omnes: | "Woks", Brillo, u fukn weapon? Smeg off, or we'll set r pet SJW Bethany (11) on u! |
G Imlach: | Yeah, piss off, u gammon tw@! Even TV's *** Boulting iz 2 clever 2 get a job on ur poxy channel! |
N Boulting: | I heard that, G Imlach, you horble get! |
Omnes: | Hurrah! Little hairy ***die iz here 2 identify les birbs de la belle France & regale us wif tales ov ice cream & horrendous name-droppin', esp. that ov R Bardet! |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! |
M Pingu: | Iz Chimney-Boi ridin' this year, then? |
G Imlach: | Me an' mi homies was about 2 tell u iffen we hadn't bin sidetracked by teh manky Scots git wif a syrup wot look like three Shredded Weets superglued 2 a giant bollock with a face drawn on it! |
EO Aquitaine: | Wot's this I heard about ***'s new contract forbiddin' 'im 2 take bungs from les Maires de France in return 4 publicité? |
N Boulting: | Lies! Lies & trumpery! I nevvah! I's gonna sue! |
EO Aquitaine: | Iz a established principle ov law that u cannot b slandered by a DED person, ***! Doubly so iffen she's a kween! |
N Boulting: | Piss! |
G Imlach: | Shut! Teh! Fck! Up! All ov u! I's tryna introduce teh intro here! |
Omnes: | Oooooh, tetchy!!1! |
G Imlach: | So as I woz sayin' b4 I woz so rudely interrupted, iz a fascinatin' race we haz in store. No E Bernal, no TD Windmill, no T Pinot… |
5: | NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1! Daddy?!?!? Daddy, Ai demand that u do something toot sweet! |
G Imlach: | …no R Bardet… |
M Pingu: | Bah! Did he get stuck up teh lum or something? |
G Imlach: | …& no T Wellens, wot means TD Gendt will b sulkin' 4 most ov teh race! |
TD Gendt: | Fukn A! No T Wellens, no Headbangersaurus belgicae! They picked that prat P Gilbert! Agane! Wot r teh odds teh stupid fcker will crash out agane & WASTE MI TIEM, eh? EH? Me & mi BFF T Wellens cud ov bin ridin' up K2 or along teh Mid Atlantic Ridge but oh noes! I haz 2 fanny about in France 4 that useless fukn tit P Gilbert! Wnkrs! |
Omnes: | U kno, that's teh most we evvah heard TD Gendt say! |
G Imlach: | No S Bennett nor yet M Trentin. Mite CP Sagan pwn teh snottyjumper yet agane? |
CP Sagan: | 4 sure! Crazy!!1! |
Omnes: | That tree behind u looks awful familiar, G Imlach… |
G Imlach: | T Pogačar P Roglič G Thomas R Carapace R Porte J Alaphilippe… |
Omnes: | Roffle! Also, ur in teh POW camp in Kent agane, no? |
G Imlach: | …MA Lopez Bethany's Da… R Uran TG Hart E Mas. C Froome 150/1 LOL. Also, I cannot tell a lie. We iz back in 2020-stylee coverage. Bah! |
Riders (various): | For sure it will be soopa hard but there iz still a long way 2 go & we will c what 'appens! 4 sure. |
G Imlach: | We asked r highly-evolved team ov cleverclogses, and chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh, 4 their predict-os! |
NC Boardman: | P Roglič, T Pogačar, G Thomas. |
SD Millar: | T Pogačar, G Thomas, P Roglič. |
TP Kennaugh: | T Pogačar, R Porte, P Roglič! I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | Ur from Loonsville, Tiny P, population: U! |
TP Kennaugh: | & who called teh top 3 rite last year, eh? EH?!?!? Not Niec C Boardman & not Super D Millar, woz it? Ph3@r mi l33t pund1t1ng 5k1llz, puny humans! |
N Boulting: | I agree wif Niec C Boardman! |
M Rendell: | ¡O holai! Mi spikim Coracle von Deltic sez T Pogačar, R Carapace, R Porte! |
D Friebe: | I, also, agree wif Niec C Boardman! |
G Imlach: | I, also, agree wif Niec C Boardman! |
Omnes: | Not SL Hamilton, H Kane or V Rossi, G Imlach? U continue 2 astonish us! |
G Imlach: | I h8 u all! |
SD Millar: | Who do they ride 4? |
G Imlach: | And now over 2 noted curlifckr D Friebe… |
D Friebe: | O hai! [Indicates Brest] Look, see! I am in la belle France wile u, u r not! U liek mi sunglasses? |
Omnes: | Teh 1980s called, D Friebe! They want teh mirrorshades back! |
D Friebe: | I h8 u all! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | O hai! Welcome 2 teh colemantary Sheds! MVD Poel! |
SD Millar: | O hai! MVD Poel! |
5's Mummy: | Oh, Ai say! He's Femli! Play up, young man! |
MVD Poel: | fanku Auntie Syrah! |
5's Mummy: | That's Mrs Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh to you, young man! At least until you win a stage! |
G Imlach: | Teh rollout iz on, so bak 2 teh colemantary Sheds & Navid & DED! |
N Boulting & SD Millar: | [Stereo roffling] |
| […] |
N Boulting: | M Cavendish! |
SD Millar: | M Cavendish! |
TP Kennaugh: | He's from teh Isle ov Man! |
J Alaphilippe: | He talks a lot! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Boats! Pirates! Yarrrrrr! T Skoo-unch! Bridge! |
Omnes: | Long rollout 2da then, ***? |
N Boulting: | Yes. Yes, it iz. |
C Prudhomme: | [Brandishes fleg] Rite, u horble reptiles, entertane us! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | TQ Assos r now TQ Next#! |
| […] |
V Campanile: | \o/ Spottypwn! Back 2 teh safety ov teh pelican 4 me! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein' sold crap 5 rid0rz haz doned a break: I Schelling A Perez C Rodriguez DV Poppel F Bonnamour. C Swift iz chasin'. |
Omnes: | Oh, Danny Boy, Danny Boy! |
DV Poppel: | I, & mi bruv, h8 u all! |
SD Millar: | Teh elastic must b b0rked! Look, see! Teh pelican iz not chasin'! |
N Boulting: | F Bonnamour! He's a Breton! From Bretagne! He used 2 ried 4 a Breton amateur team! He woz junior champion de Bretagne! Breton! |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | I Schelling! Sk8r d00d! Surf d00d! Tranes on a fixie! |
SD Millar: | Old-skool! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! C Swift hav caught teh break! |
SD Millar: | He haz burnt mani matches in so doin'! |
É Gesbert: | Don't! U! Sa! A! Fukn! Word! |
N Boulting: | Talkin' ov arson, ware iz Bethany (11) 2da? |
Omnes: | Africa, or so she sez! Pay attention, double-oh-three-and-a-half! |
SD Millar: | Paris-Brest-Paris! |
N Boulting: | Iz insane! Six, seven hundred kilometres, no? |
SD Millar: | About seven hundred, eight hundred… |
Omnes: | |
| […] |
M Rendell: | O hai! Mi bin Fernviddyhombre M Rendell en mi blong sieg heil! *** & Super D haz goned 4 T & bunz so ur stuck wif me & TP Kennaugh until further notice. Wind, granite & wind! |
TP Kennaugh: | Wind! U haz 2 b alert 4 direction changes! I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | Yes, Tiny P, we must all be alert. In teh post-Brexit era BRITAIN needs lerts! |
TP Kennaugh: | Don't get it |
Omnes: | Becoz ur from teh Isle ov Man? |
M Rendell: | We sent ect ect… |
C Froome: | Blah… M Woods eh… D Martin… wibble… staeg pwns A Greipel… |
Omnes: | A Greipel? Staeg pwns? Roffle &, moreover, LOLZ0RZ! Also, MUNKEH!!1! |
A Greipel: | I h8 u all! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | TP Kennaugh haz gone huntin' 4 spuds'n'heringz. Here 4 ur listening plezh iz TV's Niec C Boardman! |
NC Boardman: | O hai! Triki finish 2da! Technical! Topology! J Alaphilippe laet assault attack? S Colbrelli? WV Aert? |
EC Boardman: | Almost certainly chutes 2! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
M Rendell: | T Ineo$ mite ov picked J Castroviejo coz he spikim Spaignish & Ing… |
Omnes: | …wile R Dennis onli spekes Sulky-Toddler? |
M Rendell: | Noes, becoz R Carapace mite not spikim Ing that gud! |
Omnes: | Hold on a sec, M Rendell! Last year u claimed u tort R Carapace 2 speke Ing! Onna bus! In Equador! |
M Rendell: | Chiz curses! U haz cort me, liek a Treen being sued bi a demented Space Karen! Tiem 4 shitverts wile I climb out ov this hole! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaack! Did u miss us? |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! |
A Perez: | \o/ Spottypwn! Maeks up 4 bein' splatted bi mi own team car last year, hein? |
SD Millar: | Observe teh sceneri! Good, no? |
N Boulting: | Pourquoi ne pas visiter Locronan pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine? Voir l'église avec ses frais vitraux, les souris qui mangent du fromage et les filles qui sont jolies? |
Le Maire de Locronan: | Merci, ***! |
N Boulting: | [Sings] We're in teh munny! |
EO Aquitaine: | I guess that rnsers mi question about ***'s contract… |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Sonically-challenged Bretons wif punk rock, er, bagpipes! Look, see! A Valverde! |
A Valverde: | [Waves @ camera] ¡O holai! |
N Boulting: | CP Sagan! Doned teh Giro, pwned teh points wossname but onli wif defendin' & threats ov teh old ultra-violence! |
CP Sagan: | Worked tho… |
SD Millar: | Le Tour ov France Iz diffrunt thobut! |
CP Sagan: | Crazy! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | Us agane! R we havin' fun yet? |
Omnes: | |
M Rendell: | Mite not T Pogačar pwn teh staeg 2da? He pwned Liège-Bastogne-Liège, wot iz a simla kind ov parcours! |
TP Kennaugh: | All things r possible, but not that. I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendell: | Mite I @ this point plug r podcast? Available from all good bookshops, most crap ones and Nobby & Dick's Auto Salvage ov Finchley! |
TP Kennaugh: | Wot iz this "podcast" ov which u speke, M Rendell? I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendell: | Look, see! T Declercq iz back @ teh front ov teh pelican, & haz brung hiz shoulders wif him! |
Omnes: | O RLY? |
M Rendell: | YA RLY! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | History! Cycling haz lots. Ov it. |
CP Sagan: | Iz just MOAR roads, innit! |
TP Kennaugh: | Yes, no & maybe! I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
M Rendell: | Finist-AIR! Finist-AIR! |
Omnes: | Got ur pencil handy, Tiny P? U can reset 'im during teh shitverts… |
| […] |
M Rendell: | Look, see! Another spottyclimb! I Schelling iz doning a early assault attack! |
NC Boardman: | Chute! Chute in teh pelican! A Papier-Peinture! |
EC Boardman: | Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes! |
I Schelling: | \o/ Spottypwn! |
NC Boardman: | Ten BRITONS in teh raec this year! |
TP Kennaugh: | O RLY? I onli count 7! |
Omnes: | Ur from teh Isle ov Man, thobut! Also, NC Boardman iz a geek. |
NC Boardman: | Juniorshinyjumper. Iz it still necessary? Yoofer 2da ect! |
M Rendell: | So iz it? |
NC Boardman: | Yes. Yes, it iz. Average age ov pwners iz goin' up. E Bernal & T Pogačar just statistickal blips! |
M Rendell: | That's me told! Whither teh snottyjumper? |
NC Boardman: | Plenty ov proppa sprint staegs this year wot CP Sagan will not pwn. He'll hav 2 chaes snottypoints @ teh intermediate sprint Sprint SPRINTEEES 2. |
TP Kennaugh: | Other rid0rz r wise 2 Crazy P's tictacs bi now. Neglect not S Colbrelli… |
M Rendell: | 2da's sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE iz comin' soon, onli I Schelling haz 2 minits over teh breakfroupfing, so will pwn teh snottypoints. & teh pelican iz catching teh breakfroupfing. |
| […] |
N Boulting: | O hai! Bein' a smartypants I bin lissenin' 2 French TV. They haz PT Voeckler onna mota-biek in teh midst ov teh pelican. He haz bin critical ov A Perez… |
PT Voeckler: | A Perez est une connasse inutile! Sa mère était un hamster et son père sentait le sureau! |
N Boulting: | Cut! Cut! Look, see! Teh five chasing types haz bin swept into teh mitey beek ov teh pelican. |
I Schelling: | \o/ Snottypwn! Look, Mum! I's on teh telly! |
| [2 minits later] |
C Ewan: | w00t! |
CP Sagan: | Mi snottyquest starts here! Now I shall pretend 2 escape from teh pelican's mitey beek, 4 teh LULZ! |
N Boulting: | No sign ov S Colbrelli. Perchance he iz keepin' hiz hyperbole inna long-term savings account & targettin' teh staeg pwn? |
| […] |
N Boulting: | I went 2 skool wif a Simon. |
SD Millar: | O RLY? |
N Boulting: | YA RLY! He had funny scrunched-up ears. Liek Devon & Cornwall & Brittany! |
SD Millar: | |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Tractors! Makin' a bicycle! From hail bays! |
SD Millar: | |
| […] |
I Schelling: | \o/ Spottypwn! w00t! I can haz spottyjumper! |
SD Millar: | Now, shall he try 2 pwn teh staeg or shall he give up and return 2 teh mitey beek ov teh pelican? |
N Boulting: | Chute! Big chute! TJ Visma mob-handed in teh ditch! |
SD Millar: | T Martin! Hit a spectidiot holdin' a big cradboard sign wif her back 2 teh rid0rz! |
EO Aquitaine: | Silly cnt! C'n I haz her head chopped off? Pretty please wif sugar & walnuts 3 times over? |
Omnes: | These Units hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment! |
N Boulting: | B0rked bieks, narrow road, long delays! Yoicks! |
SD Millar: | Onoz! CP Sagan haz lost contact wif teh remnants ov teh pelican! & WV Aert haz had 2 nick a team-maet's biek, iz 45 seconds down & will need hiz own biek back iffen he catches up @ all! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein' sold crap WV Aert iz back in teh pelican's mitey beek. As is CP Sagan. But not TG Hart. |
TG Hart: | Arse! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! Classic C Ewan behaviour i.e. bein' dropped e'en b4 teh final climb! |
N Boulting: | Teh final climb iz ded hard, liek a gangsta in cement! |
Omnes: | That joak iz well past its sell-by date, ***. Put it inna box wif ur Nogweegie story & bury it in an unmarked grave. @ midnite. Wif a stake thru its heart. |
| […] |
N Boulting: | 20 km 2 go & I Schelling haz bin scooped into teh pelican's mitey beek. Now I shall mention A Lutsenko. A Lutsenko! |
A Lutsenko: | Oi! I pwned a staeg last year, remember! |
N Boulting: | Now I shall mention J Alaphilippe. J Alaphilippe! Iz he srs about teh GC? |
J Alaphilippe: | I do not zink ov zis! Perhaps. |
N Boulting: | Now I shall mention T Declercq. T Declercq! |
T Declercq: | Mi work here iz doned! C me disappear from ur TV screens! |
N Boulting: | Oh. Bugger. TJ Visma. They need T Martin & M Teunissen which, in their case, they haz not go… chute! Huge one! |
Omnes: | Yoicks! |
N Boulting: | P Roglič? T Ineo$! C Froome! |
C Froome: | Piss! |
| [Onto teh Côte ov teh Ditch ov Wolves] |
J Alaphilippe: | OK, lusers! Watch this! |
N Boulting: | Neglect not teh bonerfications! |
J Alaphilippe: | I do not zink ov zis \o/ |
P Roglič: | I do, tho! |
M Matthews: | 2nd plaec mean I shall haz teh snottyjumper which, may I remind u, I haz pwned b4! |
CP Sagan: | Only coz Teh Man threw me off ov teh raec that year! |
MVD Poel: | Hold on! I wuz supposed 2 pwn this one! U bastard, J Alaphilippe! |
Omnes: | Who wants 2 tell Bethany (11) when she deigns 2 turn up roffle? |
N Boulting: | And now back 2 TV's G Imlach while Super D & I open this bottle! |
| FX: creaking door, 1000 people all saying "WOP", castanets, 1000 people all saying "FIIIISSSSH" |
SD Millar: | Oh FFS, ***! It's gone in mi hair! |
| […] |
G Imlach: | Mixed day 4 T Ineo$ G Thomas 8" back R Carapace 13" & R Porte 2 and a half minits! |
NC Boardman: | I may haz 2 reassess mi assessment ov R Porte's rôle in teh raec… |
EC Boardman: | Oh yes! Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Ur a nidiot, Niec Me! |
G Imlach: | Onoz! Pity pore crash-damaged C Froome who haz lost more than fourteen (14) minits! We sent ect. |
D Friebe: | O hai, R Gesink! |
R Gesink: | O hai! C'n I throw my wate behind EO Aquitaine's decapitation programme? |
EO Aquitaine: | Welcome aboard, young serf! Teh MOAR teh merrier! |
T Pogačar: | Soopa hard full gas 4 sure! Really nasty! |
C Swift: | Crazy! Soopa fast crazy 4 sure! Crazy day! |
CP Sagan: | Watch it, sonny! |
EC Boardman: | Every1 haz a plan until they get punched in teh face! Ahahahaha! Oh yes! |
| |
* | Very old joak stolen from Private Eye |