Author Topic: The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread (Read 399940 times)

Andrij · « **Reply #25 on:** 27 January, 2016, 04:41:25 pm »

Quote from: DDCyclist on 27 January, 2016, 03:41:39 pm

Quote from: T42 on 27 January, 2016, 03:22:04 pm
That way lies DETH, as Mr. L might put it. Got a new one last year.

I shall drink tea and contemplate.

You'll drink a lot of tea with £1000.

Or maybe not.

T42 · « **Reply #26 on:** 27 January, 2016, 04:50:20 pm »

Not force-fed to civets, then.

Torslanda · « **Reply #27 on:** 27 January, 2016, 05:46:41 pm »

Extra insulation/draught proofing/roofing/double glazing?

You did say your house was cold and expensive to heat . . .

Eccentrica Gallumbits · « **Reply #28 on:** 27 January, 2016, 08:16:29 pm »

Quote from: citoyen on 27 January, 2016, 02:12:44 pm

Quote from: DDCyclist on 26 January, 2016, 06:16:38 pm
Your colleague has just had another lesson in Englishness.

It's not, but your statement is definitely a lesson in Englishness.

Basil · « **Reply #29 on:** 29 January, 2016, 06:42:30 pm »

Pub. Because its Friday.
I'm standing at the bar tapping my ten pound note on the card machine.

caerau · « **Reply #30 on:** 29 January, 2016, 06:49:16 pm »

Quote from: Basil on 29 January, 2016, 06:42:30 pm

Pub. Because its Friday.
I'm standing at the bar tapping my ten pound note on the card machine.

After how many?

ElyDave · « **Reply #31 on:** 29 January, 2016, 06:59:53 pm »

on a long haul flight from Jakarta to LHR in biz class, on arrival I started packing bits and pieces from the various cubby holes into my laptop bag. went to dig out passport for border control.

Nowhere to be seen. Research, research, research, still no sign, slight panic now setting in.

Up the aisle walks the very lovely attendant (Singapore

) with my blazer.

Passport safely stored in the one pocket I never use for anything, probably just so it didn't get lost in my befuddled mind

Basil · « **Reply #32 on:** 29 January, 2016, 07:01:09 pm »

Quote from: caerau on 29 January, 2016, 06:49:16 pm

Quote from: Basil on 29 January, 2016, 06:42:30 pm
Pub. Because its Friday.
I'm standing at the bar tapping my ten pound note on the card machine.

After how many?

I was only buying my second. Honest.

Andrij · « **Reply #33 on:** 29 January, 2016, 07:02:50 pm »

Quote from: Basil on 29 January, 2016, 07:01:09 pm

Quote from: caerau on 29 January, 2016, 06:49:16 pm
Quote from: Basil on 29 January, 2016, 06:42:30 pm
Pub. Because its Friday.
I'm standing at the bar tapping my ten pound note on the card machine.

After how many?

I was only buying my second. Honest.

And a tenner wasn't enough?!?

Are you drinking in a London nightclub this evening?

cycleman · « **Reply #34 on:** 29 January, 2016, 07:48:23 pm »

Triple brandy ?

Asterix, the former Gaul. · « **Reply #35 on:** 29 January, 2016, 08:35:32 pm »

Unlocked my bike and rode home.

Reached home, no keys.

Rode back to where I'd unlocked my bike and,phew!, keys still lying on the ground nearly an hour after I'd dropped them there.

It wasn't raining but cycling against hurricane Gertrude was no fun.

Si S · « **Reply #36 on:** 30 January, 2016, 07:05:46 am »

^^ Done that, in my case they were still in the bike lock

L CC · « **Reply #37 on:** 30 January, 2016, 12:32:44 pm »

Arrived at cinema.
Showed my booked on the phone to the man. Linky no worky.
Booked for the previous evening.

Not alone though. Went to desk "The Big Short please"
Went to screen. Found seat. Recognised film. This isn't the Big Short, this is Room. I saw this on Tuesday.

Returned to desk. The manager called to refund my (free) ticket. Arrived in screen as the certification plate showed.

Andrij · « **Reply #38 on:** 30 January, 2016, 01:38:52 pm »

Attended a mid-week football match at Chelsea. As I didn't want to leave my bike locked up near the stadium or have to deal with my pannier I left both at the office (near Bank) and grabbed a hire bike. The trip out was fine, as was the trip back. While gathering my things and preparing to leave the office I went to place my keys in a more convenient pocket. Keys? What keys? The house keys to which is attached the hire bike key, the key I used to grab the hire bike from the docking station on Limerston Street just off Fulham Road. Yep, I left my keys in the backing station.

Got on my own bike, retraced my steps, and thankfully my keys were still there. That is not my preferred way to add an extra 17km to my commute.

Basil · « **Reply #39 on:** 31 January, 2016, 12:12:50 am »

OMG. In fact, OMFG.
I've just spun away from my group to get to the bar for a last pint, just as someone spun away from the group next to us. We slightly collided as I passed them.
" Sorry mate", I exclaim, half turning behind me and doing that blokey tap on the upper arm you do.
Then
It wasn't a bloke. And I'd missed. I'd tapped her square on the tit.

I think it was the utter look of horror on my face and the 43 apologies in 3 seconds that convinced her that she should just laugh at me.

barakta · « **Reply #40 on:** 31 January, 2016, 12:41:39 pm »

Laughs at Basil! Ooops.

Pancho · « **Reply #41 on:** 31 January, 2016, 04:32:53 pm »

Oh man, I think I've just won the thread.

A few months ago, ahead of the game and getting a gold star, I did my tax return and paid the bill early. Except there was some payment glitch so I clicked again. Of course, I later found out I'd paid twice - and made a note to write them a letter or something. And forgot about it.

This weekend, I got in a terrible panic about tax - I knew I'd done the return and that I'd made a note of what I owed. So I'd better get on and pay it, hadn't I?

Not much later it all came back me. Yup. I'm the only person in the country who's paid 3 x his tax. Wonder how I'm going to sort this out.

Being stupid ought to be tax deductible or something.

madcow · « **Reply #42 on:** 31 January, 2016, 04:51:37 pm »

Everytime that I go out on my bike ,I put my debit card,credit card,Driving licence ,E111 and mobile into a waterproof pouch.
This goes in my jersey pocket. It's just a habit now.
Went out this morning for a short ride , got back and had lunch and got changed into jeans etc for washing the car and tidying up.
As I have an early start tomorrow ,I decided to nip down to the local supermarket and fill up with diesel. Asked Mrs. M to throw my wallet downstairs which she did ,then I set off to the supermarket where I filled up the tank.
Got inside to pay, opened wallet and found myself looking at an empty space where my credit and debit cards should be.

Thankfully bloke on counter was kind and let me use the store phone to call Mrs. M , who came down in the other car to bail me out.

ian · « **Reply #43 on:** 31 January, 2016, 04:52:25 pm »

Got home the other day, went for my keys in my coat pocket. Pocket open. No keys. Cue panic that I'd dropped on the walk down the hill and the usual helpful reminder from my brain that I ought to hide a set of keys somewhere in the garden, because the nearest spare key is in Maida Vale. Got to the end of the driveway before I realised that I was the holding the keys in my hand.

Jurek · « **Reply #44 on:** 31 January, 2016, 05:07:02 pm »

Quote from: ian on 31 January, 2016, 04:52:25 pm

Got home the other day, went for my keys in my coat pocket. Pocket open. No keys. Cue panic that I'd dropped on the walk down the hill and the usual helpful reminder from my brain that I ought to hide a set of keys somewhere in the garden, because the nearest spare key is in Maida Vale. Got to the end of the driveway before I realised that I was the holding the keys in my hand.

Ohhhh..... No driving or operating of heavy machinery for you. I think.

On which subject...
I have twice, to date, managed to unlock the (combination padlocked) shed door in the pitch black in order to retrieve the spare keys secreted within.
A manoeuvre conducted entirely in braille.
Spare keys now reside with a close neighbour.

ian · « **Reply #45 on:** 31 January, 2016, 05:39:54 pm »

To be honest, I do a lot of things with no conscious knowledge of doing them, the problem comes when external reality interrupts those processes. My unconscious and conscious aren't on speaking terms, so if my autopilot has the keys in hand and then something interrupts, conscious me steps in without knowing. I think on this occasion I'd stopped to say hello to a cat in the alley by the side of my house (I use the back door, there's too much key jiggling to get through front door and porch).

rogerzilla · « **Reply #46 on:** 31 January, 2016, 06:55:37 pm »

I once went to Northampton for a meeting which was not only in Swindon, it was on a different day.

mcshroom · « **Reply #47 on:** 31 January, 2016, 08:41:40 pm »

I just turned up at a cycling bunk barn weekend without any cycling shoes.

PS: Can we make the title of this thread a bit more SFW please?

Basil · « **Reply #48 on:** 31 January, 2016, 09:13:17 pm »

Quote from: mcshroom on 31 January, 2016, 08:41:40 pm

PS: Can we make the title of this thread a bit more SFW please?

+1
Great thread, but a bit awkward even in steath mode at work.

Pancho · « **Reply #49 on:** 31 January, 2016, 09:21:19 pm »

Do you lot all work in monasteries or something?