The Ballard of Brian Chapman, 2002
“You’ll be 40”, she said,
“still thick in the ‘ed”
“What on earth are you
planning to do?”
“I know”, I replied, “10K K of
Audax ride – that’ll give you
quiet weekends too!”
So off we did write, and sign up
everything in sight, from the start
of the year right through…
Some cracking good rides,
under early year skies,
building fitness for rides to
come soon
Then Laurent he said,
“you know, thick in t’ed –
100’s don’t count for toffee”
“Ah well”, I sighed, “take it
all in life’s stride” – and started
counting anew…
A new plan was designed,
Accounting for each ride,
To reach the grand total –
phew!
Then deep personal distress,
Left Feb a complete mess, with
Thoughts all despondent and
Blue
But with insurance applied,
Some benefit derived;
“Mr Argos – new stead please
in nice violet hue!”
How we did shiver, through
Winters quiet glimmer, awaiting
Our kit shiny new.
Suddenly, Mr Prosser, that’s the fella,
Who’s buggered me calendar
Pulling 600K forward so soon.
A quick jiggle here,
A tickle over there
Whoosh – equilibrium again
As time passes by
It came, by and by
To ask M. Argos the question
On enquiring we cried –
“Twelve more weeks” he’d replied.
Well, you can guess the answer that got too.
So on we did pedal,
Our foot to the metal – then
Came a quiet call from you know who
“This steed you requested,
is all built and tested – ready and
waiting for you”
“Bugger off”, I exclaimed,
“you right royal pains –
I’m resting for a 600k testing”
So out came owd Yellow,
that trusty MTB fellow, kited
out, slicks, guards, dynamo new.
To Chepstow we went,
Those of insane bent
For a few hours kip, as you do.
Up for 6am start,
We gather and depart
Sailing northwards into the gloom
After 10k of ride
Glorious rainbow espied –
Should have known it’s a harbinger of doom
While stopping to cape
The other escape!
50k to catch ‘owd Jack again!
In light showers we ambled
Along quiet roads we gambolled
To first breakfast taken at Bronlys
Replenished & fed,
Through Rhyader we sped
Chasing the source of the Wye
The source of the Wye –
that’s easy my oh my.
It’s just hit you in the eye
falling from the sky.
On Plynlimon’s high brow
Turn right by the wet cow
Machynlleth to Dolgellau Doggy
Kings!!!
The rain in the sky,
Had long joined us by & by
As we fled Barmouth, Moifa Harlech
Snowdon too!
Where a git in a Volvo,
Drove through flood about so so
Not that one noticed, you know…
So soaked to the skin
Dripping and thin
Arrived at turnaround
Colour bright blue
My how we all shivered,
As we dripped over dinner,
And huddled round heaters
Chilled through
Kicked out we must go
Over Llanberis you know
No snow, but still
sopping wet through
Calamity – lights dimming
The dynamo jamming
By faint LEDs must ride through
Down from the pass
With brakes made of glass
Hypothermic at the end
Past caring what to do
Back through Beddgelert
Bill’n’Ben on alert
Laughing as we squelch through
Remember the left after Aberglaslyn
Pass, and don’t do like I do
A pain in the ass, as Porthmadog sped
Past – an extra 20K to do
So back over Sarn Helen,
to descend once again,
for 3rd breakfast at Doggy
Dolgellau Kings!!!
Where many that were tested,
had packed, laid down and rested,
sleeping the whole night through –
sensible buggers!
Deranged and dog tired
Stretched out and expired –
But only 40 minutes on a pew
Up we did get,
and Up we did go, but first –
a bit more food as you do.
On & On we did ride
Rain our perpetual guide
Through Newton to
Hereford – yay almost there!
Three hours in hand
Looking good for the plan
To finish without complications
OH! A466 we sighed –
bonked badly and died
Welsh Newton, a cliff face
In disguise
Monmouth High Street we cried
Full tears in the eyes
30K in one hour,
no reserve to fall back onto
With despair and broken heart
One packed in the dark
Found taxi and motored on home
26 of 40 hours it did rain
through 620K of pain
and in the end all in vain
Bitter and twisted
went for succour invested
Collecting new stead on the way home
What could one do
All our plans fallen through
Except –
The Bride of Brian Chapman 2002!
So back we returned
Permanent Brevet in hand
And set off once more
Into the blue
On new stead we rode
The same lanes of old
Speeding through Wales anew
At Tretower’s 2nd passing
A glorious happening
In brilliant sunshine too
A Kite in full hover
20 feet away, nae bother
a full 5 minutes
uninterrupted view
Onward we sped
To tea up ahead
At that place called
Dolgellau, Doggy, Kings!!!
A patter of rain was a pain
But it was nothing like the same
Only two hours did it shower,
So no worries ever came
Through Beddgelert once again
Hmmm, turn right, change of plan
To be over the pass before midnight
A quick stop at Plas Gwynant,
brief begging call for warning
Sorted – a bed for the night
So over t’pass we went,
To Menai was our intent
And gladly we reached it
‘bout midnight.
“Hey” said the BP lad, “where
you come from to be so glad”
“Chepstow” I replied, proffering
sandwich for price guide.
“Where you going” he enquired
“Chepstow”, that’s why I’m tired
Now you just know from the glance
They’re thinking thoughts askance!!
Onward we did wheel, to
Snowdon Ranger for to steal
By wardens kind permission
Drying room kip was our mission
A very nice man he must be
Bed, cake and pot of tea
Two hours did we slumber
Dawn 4:30 am we did wander
To Beddgelert once again
Well “Hi there Bill & Ben”
“Floobbleooblle it must mean,
‘Bill, it’s that lunatic again’”
Remember left turn after pass,
That last time was a pain in the ass
So over again Sarn Helen
To Dolgellau, for 7.
O bugger I, it’s Sunday
Only opens 7:30 on Mondays!
Mars bar & bottle of coke
150K stretch or broke…
Arrived at Newton well famished
Demolished 9/3rd’s of a sandwich
Then onwards we did go
To Hereford again you know.
Welsh Newton – where is thy sting?
In daylight you look like nothing
Over we glide your cliff face
As though in a state of grace
The evening drawing on nigh
Down Wye Valley from Monmouth slide
The sunlight dappling the leaves
As by Tintern we climb through the trees
Into Chepstow we strolled,
across Severn Bridge so bold.
To obtain that final stamp
YES – nailed the bugger at last!
So remember from this tale
while AUK’s are hearty and hale
It shows that quite plainly
They’re all Certifiable daily
Eye thank you…now let’s get out there and ride!