The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[ian]

Two big deadlines this week, one of which was expected. The other is a client that provided insufficient information ten weeks ago, a bit more last week and now suddenly wants their report with urgency. I've spent the last two days trying to work out how to turn "they've done fuck all" into recommendations

"The Client has done the worst part of Fuck All. I recommend they pull their collective thumbs out of their collective arses and sort it eh fuck out."

That should do it?

If I'm stuck on deliverables for a project, I simply do a bubble plot and put that in a report. You can put three random variables in the same space and it's inestimably popular because everyone hates graphs but likes bubbles. It explains with some precision what happens when you have this, that, and the other. Sometimes I'll tell them it's based on data produced by AI. They like that even more. Those bubbles are the best bubbles of all.

If I really want to go to town I do node plot thing. But that's for special occasions and costs more because it tells the client that some stuff connects to other stuff more than it does to other stuff.

It must also be pleasing for you, knowing there're idiots like me who, having just read wot you sed above, are staring at it slack-jawed, thinking: "WTF is he going on about!??"

And thusly, my work is done.

[Riggers]

Two big deadlines this week, one of which was expected. The other is a client that provided insufficient information ten weeks ago, a bit more last week and now suddenly wants their report with urgency. I've spent the last two days trying to work out how to turn "they've done fuck all" into recommendations

"The Client has done the worst part of Fuck All. I recommend they pull their collective thumbs out of their collective arses and sort it eh fuck out."

That should do it?

If I'm stuck on deliverables for a project, I simply do a bubble plot and put that in a report. You can put three random variables in the same space and it's inestimably popular because everyone hates graphs but likes bubbles. It explains with some precision what happens when you have this, that, and the other. Sometimes I'll tell them it's based on data produced by AI. They like that even more. Those bubbles are the best bubbles of all.

If I really want to go to town I do node plot thing. But that's for special occasions and costs more because it tells the client that some stuff connects to other stuff more than it does to other stuff.

It must also be pleasing for you, knowing there're idiots like me who, having just read wot you sed above, are staring at it slack-jawed, thinking: "WTF is he going on about!??"

And thusly, my work is done.

 :thumbs:At least with Rolf Harris's daubings, we had a fair chance of guessing what it was. You've blown my mind man!

[T42]

Two big deadlines this week, one of which was expected. The other is a client that provided insufficient information ten weeks ago, a bit more last week and now suddenly wants their report with urgency. I've spent the last two days trying to work out how to turn "they've done fuck all" into recommendations

"The Client has done the worst part of Fuck All. I recommend they pull their collective thumbs out of their collective arses and sort it eh fuck out."

That should do it?

If I'm stuck on deliverables for a project, I simply do a bubble plot and put that in a report. You can put three random variables in the same space and it's inestimably popular because everyone hates graphs but likes bubbles. It explains with some precision what happens when you have this, that, and the other. Sometimes I'll tell them it's based on data produced by AI. They like that even more. Those bubbles are the best bubbles of all.

If I really want to go to town I do node plot thing. But that's for special occasions and costs more because it tells the client that some stuff connects to other stuff more than it does to other stuff.

It must also be pleasing for you, knowing there're idiots like me who, having just read wot you sed above, are staring at it slack-jawed, thinking: "WTF is he going on about!??"

And thusly, my work is done.

 :thumbs:At least with Rolf Harris's daubings, we had a fair chance of guessing what it was. You've blown my mind man!

I thought a bubble plot was a form in insider trading. Which it might still be, of course.

[Mr Larrington]

I though a "bubble plot" was what the Colonels carried out when they overthrew the Greek government until I discovered yacf.

[T42]

A word to the wise: do not stop or disable Gboard on your Google marketing pseudopodium Android phone.

I did eventually get the keyboard working again and back to normal.

[PaulF]

just spent 10 minutes cursing my work laptop which wouldn't accept my password, then panicking about the email that told me my password was about to expire which I'd ignored as phising.

Then it dawned.

I was trying to open my old laptop which has an old password, not the new one.

When I saw new I've had it 2 months now

[Tim Hall]

Out on the bike today for the first time in ages.

Put  bar bag on, but fail to engage the R&K clicky thing properly.  Bag ejects itself as I whizz down the hill, narrowly avoids getting run over by me.

The resulting speed wobble, presumably caused by a  mixture of panicky heaving on the bars to avoid running over the bag and the sudden change in the balance of the  bike, was a whole lot more interesting than I bargained for.

[Cudzoziemiec]

Oof! Well done for avoiding the bag, and for the bag avoiding your wheel.

[T42]

Narsty!  Glad you survived.

Meanwhile, hands washed and generally cleaned up after the most mammoth bike clean I ever undertook, I just remembered that I haven't done the derailleurs yet.

[ElyDave]

A long time without any divvery being reported.  I can sort that out

Changing the rear derailleur on the road bike yesterday, and struggling with the 105 front shifter as usual.  So long since I last did anything with it, I was having trouble with finding cable ports etc. 

Let's take the bar tape off, I say to myself, it'll surely make it easier to see, it's a bit untidy anyway and I have some spare in a drawer.
Then I read the instructions. 
Oh! I forgot I have to take that plate off to get the cable out, and the cable goes in through there. Hmm, could have done that without taking the bar tape off after all.

Now where's that spare bar tape?

Of course, I'll buy a roll of bar tape, which will miraculously make the spare reappear again, until I next want to find it.

[orienteer]

Changing mobile phone operator, so obtained a new SIM card. Yesterday I had opened the SIM tray on my phone to check it.

Today I went to insert the new SIM. Spent about 15 minutes trying to open the tray again without success, the hole for the removal tool (paper clip) seemed to have shrunk and got blocked somehow.

Finally it dawned on me - I was trying to access it through the transparent phone case 

Think I should cancel my birthday next week.

[T42]

Foreshadowed in the fettling it were: last week I went out and bought a couple of fluorescents to replace a couple of dodgy ones in the workshop, one of which only lit up with reluctance and the other not at all.  Naturally I dumped the old tubes in the box provided, then went home, fitted the new ones and observed that they didn't light up any better.  This morning I had a hoke in the bits box and found a card with a couple of starters on it (priced in francs), fitted them and everything works perfectly.

In sum, I ended up dumping two tubes that might still have been OK, spending money on new ones and finally getting the new ones to work properly using kit I already had. Move over, Dave, there's room on the dafty step for two.

[Mr Larrington]

"We need to go to Mr Sainsbury's House Of Toothy Comestibles" quoth Lt. Col. Larrington (retd) when I dropped by on Thursday.

"No need for you to stir from the fireside, boss" said I, "just give me the list and your debit card and I will do the necessary".  This done, I bung them in my wallet and drive the five miles to ye shoppe.  And discover my wallet is still on the table in the conservatory at Fort Larrington.  Bah.

And then it took me about twenty minutes to find the sugar.

[fuzzy]

So, the changing room we are dismantling at the shop has a curtain rail that needs removing. The quality builders who erected the changing room have managed to shag the posidrive head of one of the screws so that it only comes out about a third of an inch. I try to manipulate it and even try to pull the screw out by rocking the pole mount back and forth with no luck.

Being a proper fecking div, I try a bit too hard and from the wrong angle. Curtain pole bracket snaps and I rake my left index finger down either the screw head or broken end of the cold cast bracket. Cue much swearing and pain and a little blood followed by a trip to minor injuries to have the .5cm X .5cm triangular flap of skin torn from the second distal inner pad of my left index finger steri stripped and glued back in place. Full skin depth almost to the muscle and ligaments. It only really stung when the nurse folded the flap back with tweezers to straighten it out and then applied an anti septic and saline solution mix to the wound to clean it.

[Kim]

*winces and passes the mole grips*

[fuzzy]

*winces and passes the mole grips*

Where were you and your mole grips when I needed you?
 

[Kim]

*winces and passes the mole grips*

Where were you and your mole grips when I needed you?
 

Snakebite-puncturing my thumb while fighting with some 10mm² cable and a low-end ratchet crimper.   

(Stung like a bastard, but relatively superficial damage.)

[Jaded]

Remember to release the mole grips quite regularly to allow blood to flow to the healing area.

[ElyDave]

I thought you applied the mole grips to your nipple so you forgot the pain in your finger?

[PaulF]

I thought you applied the mole grips to your nipple so you forgot the pain in your finger?

And elsewhere you're complaining about a little rubbing from your new saddle!???!!

[T42]

That lot got a size 3 aaaargh.

[fuzzy]

*winces and passes the mole grips*

Where were you and your mole grips when I needed you?
 

Snakebite-puncturing my thumb while fighting with some 10mm² cable and a low-end ratchet crimper.   

(Stung like a bastard, but relatively superficial damage.)

Better your thumb than geting ire intrusion under the thumbnail.....

[ElyDave]

I thought you applied the mole grips to your nipple so you forgot the pain in your finger?

And elsewhere you're complaining about a little rubbing from your new saddle!???!!

Pass me the molegrips would you

[The Family Cyclist]

After a muddy ride - see "have you been out today" I left my cycling shoes outside the back door.

As the kids are at a party sorted out their bedroom and needed to empty the hot water bottles

We don't have an upstairs bathroom

No bother it's so mild I'd opened a back bedroom window to let some fresh air in

You can see where this is going

Went out to check on the new chickens and yes my cycling shoes are soaked.

[chrisbainbridge]

After a muddy ride - see "have you been out today" I left my cycling shoes outside the back door.

As the kids are at a party sorted out their bedroom and needed to empty the hot water bottles

We don't have an upstairs bathroom

No bother it's so mild I'd opened a back bedroom window to let some fresh air in

You can see where this is going

Went out to check on the new chickens and yes my cycling shoes are soaked.

But cleaner!