Give me some good Swedish jokes...

[Sergeant Pluck]

... such as a Swede would find amusing 

[delthebike]

... such as a Swede would find amusing 

I blame woolly for this one.

Vad är skillnaden mellan en anka?
en av sina ben är både samma.

[CAMRAMan]

Well, seeing as the butt of most of their jokes is Norwegians:

A young Norwegian girl is about to get married when her father takes her to one side for a chat.

"Whatever you do, when you're in bed and he asks you to turn over, say no..."

"OK father" says the bride.

All goes well at the wedding and six months later the couple are in bed and the husband asks her to turn over. The bride refuses.

"What's the matter", asks her husband, "don't you want children?"

[Hot Flatus]

<read with swedish accent>

Man goes into a Swedish chemist shop

"Good morning.  I would like some deodorant please"

"Certainly, sir.  Ball or aerosol?"

"Neither.  I want it for my armpits"

[Pingu]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/iS2N1mBsEdM&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/iS2N1mBsEdM&rel=1</a>

[Sergeant Pluck]

<read with swedish accent>

Man goes into a Swedish chemist shop

"Good morning.  I would like some deodorant please"

"Certainly, sir.  Ball or aerosol?"

"Neither.  I want it for my armpits"

 

[CAMRAMan]

Have you heard about the Norwegian who thought he needed to wear a lifebelt when he was surfing the internet?

[Andrew Br]

Swedes also like jokes about Finns
Hence:-

Pertti and Hannu meet for a drink.
After a couple of beers and a couple of schnapps Pertti says "Do you think it will snow ?"
Three more beers, three more schnapps Pertti says "I think it will snow".
Three beers and three schnapps later, Hannu says "Did you come to talk or did you come to drink ?"

[Clare]

F.U.N.E.X?

[Sergeant Pluck]

... such as a Swede would find amusing 

I blame woolly for this one.

Vad är skillnaden mellan en anka?
en av sina ben är både samma.

Can you enlighten me before I send that one? 

[Wobbly John]

... such as a Swede would find amusing 

I blame woolly for this one.

Vad är skillnaden mellan en anka?
en av sina ben är både samma.

Can you enlighten me before I send that one? 

It's the old "What's the difference between a duck" joke, isn't it?

[Sergeant Pluck]

Swedes also like jokes about Finns
Hence:-

Pertti and Hannu meet for a drink.
After a couple of beers and a couple of schnapps Pertti says "Do you think it will snow ?"
Three more beers, three more schnapps Pertti says "I think it will snow".
Three beers and three schnapps later, Hannu says "Did you come to talk or did you come to drink ?"

This one met with approval. Apparently it is a very old joke, but it is always ok to laugh at Finns.

[nicknack]

It's the old "What's the difference between a duck" joke, isn't it?

One leg is both the same.

[rogerzilla]

Tenuous, but...

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank f*** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[Andrew Br]

This one met with approval. Apparently it is a very old joke, but it is always ok to laugh at Finns.

I didn't claim it was new  

Another one, also about Finns but could be adapted to Swedes:-
Helsinki resident and Laplander meet in a bar.
HR: "What do you do in the summer up there ?"
Lap: "We drink a lot, we f*ck a lot and we fish a lot"
HR: "And what do you do in the winter ?"
Lap: "We don't fish so much."


I don't claim that this is new either  .

[CAMRAMan]

Lapp: "We don't fish so much."

I spent two years in northern Sweden and sadly, this is only partially true. They have an obsession with ice-hole fishing up there. One Saturday they took up the whole of the afternoon's TV coverage to show a competition. Imagine the tension of watching one man wiggle his very short fishing rod above an ice hole, then magnify that by 20 or 30 times as they switched from competitor to competitor; each fruitlessly dangling his maggot. Still, it's probably more interesting than X Factor.