I don't know whether I want to tell a story in the hope that somebody will find it interesting or whether I just want to put a few words on paper. I will begin and see what happens.
I have worked for the same company for over 40 years and last year I saw an opportunity to leave, taking voluntary redundancy. I spent, with my wife, about a week going over the figures and working out whether it was a viable option or not. In the end we decided that it was and I should apply. So I did. That was it, so I thought. They want to get rid of people, I am a willing volunteer so I am about to retire.
About a month after pressing the button I received news that I had skills they wanted to keep and so my application had been rejected. I didn't know of anybody that had been rejected before. I assumed it would be "rubber stamped" and I would go.
A few months later I was hearing comments, through my wife, about Bob not being himself, about me being quiet. I suppose I said I was ok and that was it. One person asked me if they had offended me in some way as I was quiet towards them. I said not and they lost interest.
Nobody spoke to me about it. Not one person said "are you alright?" Not once did anybody say "I can see that you are down, can we talk about it?"
If you are not yourself the best thing is to be left alone to "get over it" and cheer up.
I always thought that these are enlightened times and we can talk about mental health. I have done my research mostly by watching videos and reading articles. I have depression or I am depressed not sure which is correct. I said it. Doesn't make me feel any better but I said it. I know, or at least I think I know, what caused it. But surely that is such a trivial thing can it really be it? It is apparently quite usual for people feeling like me to just carry on and not to seek attention or even help.
I have worked through last year and tried to understand what happened. I abandoned several bike rides because I couldn't be bothered to finish them. Yes I gave an excuse, knee hurting, legs no good today, the usual reasons. I tried to hide the real problem. I could not be bothered. I was in a cloudy, and very lonely, place.
This year I have made up my mind. I am leaving work. I'm leaving on my terms. I am leaving because I want to. I am leaving when I want to. I want to get my love of being out on a bike back. I want to change. Maybe writing these words will help. Maybe it's not in the right place. Or maybe they might just strike a chord with somebody.
I know one thing for sure. If I ever see somebody that looks like they are suffering, I will go up to them and ask if they are alright. I will ask if they want to talk. I will ask if they need somebody just to sit with them, maybe in silence.
Sorry for rambling on. I just wanted to put some words down.