Author Topic: more insane management speak phrases  (Read 144166 times)

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #400 on: 22 May, 2015, 04:19:40 pm »
I'm doing a professional qualification at the moment and it seems to me very much that the aim of the exams is to get you spout as much of this bollox many of these phrases as you can.
I actually managed 'triple bottom line' AND 'collaborative synergies' in this week's effort. I did do a little bit of sick as I wrote it, mind.

Cudzoziemiec

  • Ride adventurously and stop for a brew.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #401 on: 22 May, 2015, 04:22:00 pm »
Triple bottom line... collaborative synergies... working together... I think this refers to group sex, fboab!
Riding a concrete path through the nebulous and chaotic future.

Jaded

  • The Codfather
  • Formerly known as Jaded
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #402 on: 22 May, 2015, 04:33:24 pm »
"Triple bottom line" is sound, as far as I'm concerned.
It is simpler than it looks.

essexian

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #403 on: 22 May, 2015, 04:35:44 pm »
"Transformation through engagement"....................... we plan it...we tell you about it and we listen to what you have to say. Then we take on board what you have to say and make any amendments to our plans as required.

I think.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #404 on: 22 May, 2015, 08:50:51 pm »
I'm doing a professional qualification at the moment and it seems to me very much that the aim of the exams is to get you spout as much of this bollox many of these phrases as you can.
I actually managed 'triple bottom line' AND 'collaborative synergies' in this week's effort. I did do a little bit of sick as I wrote it, mind.
I've done both project management and enterprise architecture qualifications, and it's explicitly part of those that you use the terminology. No doubt in others as well. Sadly, given that the two often need to work together, their usages are not entirely consistent...

I wouldn't necessarily categorise the terminology in those two fields as management speak, although one or two examples have turned up in this thread.

Cudzoziemiec

  • Ride adventurously and stop for a brew.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #405 on: 22 May, 2015, 08:53:12 pm »
Enterprise architecture. To boldly build where no man has built before.
Riding a concrete path through the nebulous and chaotic future.

HTFB

  • The Monkey and the Plywood Violin
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #406 on: 22 May, 2015, 09:15:41 pm »
"Triple bottom line" is sound, as far as I'm concerned.
Really to change the world for the better, why not a quadruple bottom line?
Not especially helpful or mature

Andrij

  • Андрій
  • Ερασιτεχνικός μισάνθρωπος
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #407 on: 24 June, 2015, 04:07:00 pm »
Customer segmentation

I've just been to a management presentation where this was used. I hope it doesn't mean chopping our customers up into small bits.

Not small bits, probably just heads/limbs/torsos.

HTH
;D  Andrij.  I pronounce you Complete and Utter GIT   :thumbsup:

Guy

  • Retired
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #408 on: 17 July, 2015, 08:28:23 am »
A piece on BBC Breakfast this morning about tiny tots "graduating" from nursery school. A child psychologist said something about the "Americanisation" of education, meaningless graduations, proms and the like was generally bad for children. Nursery Skool woman reassured her that "we celebrate all our children in a holistic fashion" :sick:
"The Opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject"  Marcus Aurelius

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #409 on: 17 July, 2015, 11:58:07 am »
Customer segmentation

I've just been to a management presentation where this was used. I hope it doesn't mean chopping our customers up into small bits.

Not small bits, probably just heads/limbs/torsos.

HTH
Yeah, neatly separated at joints.
"A woman on a bicycle has all the world before her where to choose; she can go where she will, no man hindering." The Type-Writer Girl, 1897

Tim Hall

  • Victoria is my queen
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #410 on: 17 July, 2015, 02:40:13 pm »
A piece on BBC Breakfast this morning about tiny tots "graduating" from nursery school. A child psychologist said something about the "Americanisation" of education, meaningless graduations, proms and the like was generally bad for children. Nursery Skool woman reassured her that "we celebrate all our children in a holistic fashion" :sick:

"an holistic" shirley.  But, yes, Pre School graduation is A Thing <grinds teeth>.
There are two ways you can get exercise out of a bicycle: you can
"overhaul" it, or you can ride it.  (Jerome K Jerome)

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #411 on: 18 July, 2015, 06:22:59 am »
Yep. Both my sprogs each got issued with a cape and mortarboard on the respective days they left their (otherwise excellent) nursery.  :facepalm:
Life is too important to be taken seriously.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #412 on: 29 July, 2015, 12:08:33 pm »

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #413 on: 31 July, 2015, 10:36:18 pm »


 ;D

I think "reach out" is the term I hate most, and it is the favourite of HR so is in all emails prepared by them for management.  That and "onboarding" (which I'm apparently participating in/ inflicting on a new employee next week) - although there are few new positions so it doesn't get used much and there does seem to be a strong fight back by the "induction" supporters.
@SandyV1 on Twitter http://twitter.com/#!/SandyV1

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #414 on: 12 August, 2015, 09:14:21 am »
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:
Life is too important to be taken seriously.

ian

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #415 on: 12 August, 2015, 09:51:22 am »
It's bliss this morning because I'm on holidays, so I miss the wade through the high tide of inbox sludge the mothership's upper deck leave behind overnight. So no 'innovation' (a word we're thoroughly intent on wearing down to dust) for me. I almost miss it in a not-at-all fashion. It's notable that all our senior management seem to have stopped work to dedicate their time to their blogs on our collaboration platform (when we're done with 'innovate' and it's little more than a smudge of grey word dust, 'collaborate' is going to be next in the grinder). OK, I know they don't write those blogs, they have minions to quantify their knowledge, but I'm glad they take the time to have someone else share their thoughts. I'm quite surprised our CEO hasn't asked me to write his blog.

Dibdib

  • Fat'n'slow
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #416 on: 12 August, 2015, 12:28:56 pm »
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development)

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #417 on: 12 August, 2015, 01:17:42 pm »
And there was I imagining a large group with axes...  ;)
Life is too important to be taken seriously.

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #418 on: 12 August, 2015, 01:19:12 pm »
I'm quite surprised our CEO hasn't asked me to write his blog.

You should volunteer your services, as long as you have another job lined up first.
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

Kim

  • Timelord
    • Fediverse
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #419 on: 12 August, 2015, 01:24:06 pm »
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development)

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".

No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.

David Martin

  • Thats Dr Oi You thankyouverymuch
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #420 on: 12 August, 2015, 01:39:05 pm »

No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.

Absolutely. Having such metaphors in play should be considered a foul, or at the very least offside. They should be kicked into touch at the first opportunity.
"By creating we think. By living we learn" - Patrick Geddes

fuzzy

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #421 on: 12 August, 2015, 01:48:58 pm »
SWMBO had her appraisal yesterday. Her boss had it logged as her 'Talent Toolbox'.

 :sick: and thrice  :sick: :sick: :sick:

 

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #422 on: 12 August, 2015, 01:55:21 pm »
Boss sounds like a complete tool, and I don't mean a Topeak Alien either.
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

Ben T

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #423 on: 12 August, 2015, 02:16:06 pm »
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development)

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".

A sometimes deliberate misinterpretation of the principles of scrum/agile, or even sometimes a correct interpretation of them, can be and often is used as an excuse to avoid bothering doing a particular piece of work.



Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #424 on: 12 August, 2015, 02:25:00 pm »
Boss sounds like a complete tool, and I don't mean a Topeak Alien either.

Topeak Aliens serve a much more useful purpose
Duct tape is magic and should be worshipped