So, I was, as I do, reading an article in the Guardian this morning
about crisps. Crisps, of course, are better than Jesus (and you even get crisps shaped like Jesus, which is a proper miracle) but they're better than most things. After a couple of days illness, I prepared a 'ready salted' crisp sandwich last night. Oh my. I always wonder why I bother to eat anything else. Other than the fact that I'd die from malnutrition, of course.
I was pleased to note that I'm not singular in continuing my childhood passion of self-vingaring* ready salted crisps for the ultimate salt n vinegar hit. The salty, potato, vinegary slush the resides at the end of the pack is ambrosial. Scoop it out with your fingers tips, it's like a kaleidoscope of flavour for your tongue.
But after that, a slow horror set in. I knew they'd danced with all manners of new flavours, in the hope that novelty will somehow achieve something (like were people not buying crisps because no one had made 'donkey and banana' flavour yet?) but really, strawberry? Truffled cheese and a splash of sparkling wine? Raspberry bellini? What the actual fuck. Modern consumers apparently want to go on a 'food adventure.' I'd take them on a food adventure, all right.
I myself am partial to plain crisps, the proper 'ready salted' real deal. Nothing fancy. No bloody ridges or that nonsense, no oven baking, just plain potato, sliced and fried till they're – well – crisp. And don't give me any of that 'lightly salted' nonsense either – anaemic travesties of actual 'ready salted' crisps. They need salt, that's the point. If you're that worried about your health you shouldn't be eating crisps. Here, give them to me.
At a push I'll go for 'cheese and onion', and if I want to push out the boat and maybe I'm trying to impress, 'smoky bacon.' I've not had 'roast chicken' for ages and I always found 'prawn cocktail' a bit too exotic for my taste. Really, just stop showing off. 'Roast beef?' It doesn't matter the brand, they're always minging.
There are other potato snacks, but proper crisps are where it's at.
*Grandma Grammarly wants to replace this with 'self-fingering.'