Author Topic: The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Tour de France 2023 (Read 6303 times)

Mr Larrington · « **on:** 01 July, 2023, 01:44:31 am »

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¡Suh, fam! Me here Bef'ny innit apprentice #MediaTart & offishul Problem Teen! Mi mum sed I cud haz an acount on this plaec once I wuz thirteen (13) wich I iz now but she chaengd her mind teh fukn C-O-W even tho P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz™^® haz gave me mi own bizniz crads look see:

Altho I iz akshuly workin' 4 mi own cumpni wot Mista P-F set up 4 me, he sez its MOAR finanshli efishnt 2 do it liek that bi wich i think he mene i c'n tell teh taksman 2 do 1 (one). Mista P-F hav a hole lot ov wot he corl “combat acountants” tho i ent seed 1 wif a Oozy yet chiz. EO Aquitaine iz a co-direkta wich iz teh Aces coz she dunt use munny on acount ov bein' d-e-d wot in turn mene MOAR luvli loli 4 me lol.

Ne way I iz in teh Spaign-o wot iz ware A Valverde come from (& haha @ u plebz coz u, u r not} 4 teh start ov teh Tour ov France & not @ horble SKOOL agane until Septembre double yay. ¡Also Spaign-o iz ded yeet coz teh foods proppa yummi & u c'n sta up reeli l8 & no-1 bats a i-lid! Not TV's [“redacted for legal reasons” – The Invigilator] tho hes ushuli tuckt up bi ten (10) wif a cup ov coco coz hes uterly wet & a weed & cant dance 2 saev hiz lief roffle he look liek a concreet tode. In teh next 3 (three) wekes we's gonna bring u orl sorts ov good Stuffs & probli sum bad Stuffs 2, viz.

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TBH iz not so much ov a Tour ov France this yere MOAR a sort of Tour ov Teh Midle ov France but 4 sure iz gonna b soopa hard, thares a long way 2 go & ne thing c'n hapn esp. afta *** & Super D hav been on teh grog ha ha sumtiems I crak me up. Iffen u want proppa diskushn ov teh raec & [“Fruit” – The Invigilator & tictacs & gearz & teh parcours ugh & coving tests & WV Aert && c. tri teh otha thred where they ent got pelicans or EO Aquitaine or me innit. Big ups 2 M le Maire 4 lettin' me use hiz acount hes a very niec ol' man tho he sez Stuffs will b ded l8 4 teh staegs on teh 8th & 9th inst coz hes bizzi savin' whales or sumfink teh sili hipi hes as bad as mi nana lol. ¡Safe!

ps: No, i ent paintd mi bedroom wallz blak who u rable think i am Andi fukn Seks Gang

ScumOfTheRoad · « **Reply #1 on:** 01 July, 2023, 07:33:09 am »

Yaay P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz™® returns...

Pingu · « **Reply #2 on:** 01 July, 2023, 10:33:52 am »

Also hoping for vautours and bingly bongly goats.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #3 on:** 01 July, 2023, 10:44:43 am »

We may even get buitres this weekend.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #4 on:** 01 July, 2023, 06:33:44 pm »

Stage 1: Bilbao -> Bilbao

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G Imlach:	O hai & welcome 2 teh 2023 Tour ov France wif me, G Imlach, TV's roffliest-evvah presenta! & in wot promies 2 b a vitnage bumpa edishn ov teh raec we r in teh Spaign-o, ware teh spanielz come from lol! M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	Ssssssssh!
G Imlach:	Leik mi lerned coleeg Bethany (13) noted, this yere's raec is not v. tour-liek but it iz priti lumpi. T Pogačar! J Vingegaard! Bookis roffle @ teh noshn that ne-1 else c'n pwn teh raec! We sent ect.
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, T Pogačar!
T Pogačar [wearing naff beret]:	O hai! U liek mi hat?
D Friebe:	Aieeeeee! O hai, J Vingegaard!
J Vingegaard:	O hai! I am ware I want 2 b. 2da will b soopa hard!
Omnes:	Plus ça change, rite?
G Imlach:	We also sent M Rendell, TV's rnser 2 teh HAL 8999…
M Rendell:	O hai y mi blong sieg heil! WV Aert! U doned gud last yere! U do agane?
WV Aert:	4 sure it will be soopa hard! We will c!
Omnes:	C r previous comments, also thare all waring naff berets! Corl teh Hat Polis!
J Alaphilippe:	O hai! Xcited! 'ard! U liek mi hat?
F Wright:	O hai! [Indicates BRITISH champion jumper] U liek mi jumper?
G Imlach:	Observe r xperts! Manx minnow Tiny P Kennaugh & refugee from Cpt. Cook's Mistaek C Evans!
TP Kennaugh:	O hai! U liek mi nü floppi haircut & dangli earing? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
C Evans:	Am I s'posed 2 droan on & on & on liek I doned when I woz a rid0r?
Bethany (13):	Booooo! Bring bak teh C Boardmen! C Evans iz even smalla'n Tiny P!
C Evans:	He's stood on a box!
	[…]
G Imlach:	M Cavendish! [Montage ov M Cavendish pwning staegs]
Omnes:	Hurrah!
M Cavendish:	I'm ded nervus, me! Look, see! I's shakin' orl ova!
Bethany (13):	R u shure ur not donin' teh Watutsi?
M Cavendish:
G Imlach:	2 teh colemantary Sheds!
Omnes:	FFS! Thare BOTH warin' wanky bazball hats! Teh st8 of u 2!
N Boulting:	Fck! Off! This iz gonna b teh Awsum!
SD Millar:	Sho' iz! Mani diff. storiz on teh raec this yere!
N Boulting:	Mite we c T Pogačar go on teh rampaeg 2da assault attack ect ect?
SD Millar:	4 sure! Possibli. We will c…
N Boulting:	Basques! P Bilbao! J Castroviejo! Teh Izzywizzy Bros! O mi!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Terracotta!
Bethany (13):	Doan start that agane!
D Friebe:	O hai F Wright agane!
F Wright:	4 sure P Bilbao want 2 pwn teh staeg 2da. Will b hard. We will c!
N Boulting:	P Bilbao! Doin' Stuffs 4 charidee & pore ded G Mader!
SD Millar:	Basques! Thare orl bonkas about biek racin'! They even cheerd me!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Still rollin' out. Tedium tedium snoar… Look, see! V Madouas teh nashnl champ. ov France!
SD Millar:	Liek! No msgs from thare spons0rz! On it. 2da's staeg haz J Alaphilippe writted. On it.
N Boulting:	MVD Poel!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	MVD Poel!
5's Mummy:	Look, Ai know he is femli but there is really no need for that kind of adulation at this stage of the race. They haven't even started yet, for goodness' sake!
C Prudhomme [waevs fleg]:	OK, u infected chalfonts! Bugga off!
N Boulting:	Iz this a brake I c b4 me?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe.
N Boulting:	I ratha think it iz! Look, see! They haz MOAR'n 25" seconds!
D Friebe:	O hai, MVD Poel!
MVD Poel:	4 sure teh last 1 (one) km iz soopa hard. We will c! O hai, Auntie Syrah!
N Boulting:	.fr TV sez teh breakfroupfing contane L Calamityjane, S Guglielmi, P Eenkhoorn, JG Wilsly & V Ferron. Most ov whom (grammar) r difficult 2 type.
ML Maire:	Esp. when ur fondleslab haz 4got most ov teh autocarrot wossnames 4 rid0rz' naems chiz!
D Friebe:	O heh, M Woods!
M Woods:	O heh! Mani climes. Not sure how it will pla oot. We will c, eh!
N Boulting:	C Froome! He's not here! Sez he'll b bak next yere thobut.
D Friebe:	O hai, N Pooless!
N Powless:	Basque cuntri! Stepe climes! Green! Hapi birfda, dude!
D Friebe:
N Powless:	Kepe opshns open. We will c!
Omnes:	Bridge! Bridge! Well, 1/3 ov 1!

N Boulting:	2da's intermediate sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE iz in Guernica, wot iz ware P Bilbao woz born!
SD Millar:	& also teh Spaignish Sivil Wor, P Picasso ect ect.
Bethany (13):	I h8 Spaignish Nazis!
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Martin iz off ov teh pelican's fethery bak!
SD Millar:	Probli just stopt 4 a wazz!
	[On teh Côte de Laukiz]
N Boulting:	Look, see! S Calamityjane assault attack!
L Calmejane:	Did that cnt call me "Sue" agane? Wnkr!
SD Millar:	Well, that woz teh Stupidz! Sue!
JG Wilsly:	\o/ Spottypwn! Ne-thing MC Nielsen c'n dun I c'n 2! Also, ware iz evribode?
	[…]
M Rendell:	O hai! *** & Super D haz goned 4 refs so ur stuck wif me, also C Evans & TP Kennaugh!
Omnes:	Deep joy! Not.
C Evans:	V hard staeg 2da! Liek a clasic!
M Rendell:	Spottyjumper! JG Wilsly!
TP Kennaugh:	Mntns! We haz…
Omnes:	…a mntn on teh Isle ov Man?
TP Kennaugh:	R u lot sikik or sumfink? J Alaphilippe!
ML Maire:	Bridge! Transporter bridge!

M Rendell:	Weel chaeng 4 F Wright!
TP Kennaugh:	Doan liek hiz jumper. Mien woz betta!
M Rendell:	F Wright haz #69 becoz #61 haz bin retierd out ov rispek 4 pore ded G Mader. & A Yates haz 19 coz thare ent no 13.
C Evans:	Teh onli tiem I had 13 in a raec I pwned it!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz orl superstishus nonse! I'm from teh Isle ov Man ware we's orl ded rashnl!
Bethany (13):	U lot thort thare woz a ninvisbl torkin' mongoose inna farmhouse! Corled "Gef"! Teh mongoose, obv, not teh house.
TP Kennaugh:	That woz orll troo!
Bethany (13):	Tchah! Polygoose ent even nativ 2 teh Isle ov Man. Idiot!
TP Kennaugh:	He cud ov escaepd from teh serkus!
Bethany (13):	Oh, shu… look, see! Mi Da… R Uràn! Yay!
M Rendell:	He's onli pwnd 1 staeg ov teh Tour ov France, u kno!
Bethany (13):	Robbed it off ov W Barguil. I woz ded X when he doned that, coz I dint kno 'e woz mi Dad bak then!
Bethany's Mum:	I 'eard that, u l'il tart! Wotch ur mouf! U ent 2 old 2 get a slap when u gets 'ome!
Bethany (13):	Awwwwww, fck! Kwik, shitverts wile I cloo mi Mum teh fukn C-O-W in on teh realti ov TV…
	[…]
M Rendell:	Basques!
C Evans:	Basques! They luv thare biek racin'! Even tho it ranes orl teh tiem.
M Rendell:	Mani temes are triallin' public radio conversahns this yere, liek they duz in F1 (One)!
T Moviestar's AI:	`+++ NOT US THO. R TICTACS MUST REMANE SEEKRIT +++`
Omnes:	Roffle!
C Evans:	I ent convinced. Moastli coz teh teme radios r moastli a Rubbish!
TP Kennaugh:	I lieks it & rkn orl teh temes shud ov bin 4cd 2 done it. Unsenserd 2! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
C Evans:	Industrial espionage!
M Rendell:	Look, see! A Kirsch teh road raec champ. ov Luxembourg & not B Jungels 4 a chaeng!
Omnes:	That thare nucular powwah stashn look liek it's gonna fall in teh c…
M Rendell:	Kwik, shitverts!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaaaack! Did u miss us?
Omnes:
N Boulting:	I h8 u all! Look, see! Crazy P Sagan! Not so long ago this staeg wud ov bin naled on 4 him!
C Evans:	CP Sagan iz still donin' teh saem numbas, but teh yung wippasnappas haz cort & past 'im!
TD Gendt [via LoonMail]:	This ^^^^. Not that u fckrs beleev ne-thing I sa…
SD Millar:	C Laporte! He's moved 2 TJ Visma & bin rebored! Er, reborn. Well, OK, born. TJ Visma! WV Aert!
N Boulting:	WV Aert!
C Evans:	WV Aert!
	[On teh Côte de Gaztelugatxe]
SD Millar:	2011!
C Evans:	I pwned that 1!
SD Millar:	We pwned teh taem tiem trail!
N Boulting:	Gr8 raec 4 teh Nogweegies! T Hushovd EH Boson! I haz a stori about Nogwee…
C Evans & SD Millar [in stereo]:	HERD IT!!1!
N Boulting:	Look, see! F Jakobsen! Wot's he donin' rite in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican?
SD Millar:	JG Wilsly! Pwned teh spottyjumper on Paris-Nice & neerli pwned it on teh Dolphiné!
N Boulting:	Probli get doned ova bi teh shinyjumper contend0rz thobut, liek S Geschke & his hipsta beard last yere!
JG Wilsly:	OK, u dweebs, watch… oh. Piss!
P Eenkhoorn:	\o/ & nul spottypoints 4 u, JG Wilsly! LOL!
Bethany (13):	I c Q Simian haz growed anuvva beard. Wot r teh odds he's gonna shave it off mid-raec agane?
Q Simmons:	I shure did miss mah beard! Almos' as much as mah pickup truck an' mah dog Tige an' Presiden' Trump!
Bethany (13):	I gone rite off u!
	[…]
J Random Professor:	Look, xitin' rox!
N Boulting:	U liek rox, Super D, no? Esp. teh c cliffs ov teh Cotentin Peninsula?
SD Millar:	Fck! Off! I ent evvah menshnin' rox agane afta that 1!
Omnes:	LOL @ Super D!
SD Millar:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	Mundaka! Surfin'! w00t!
SD Millar:	Iconic!
N Boulting:	Did I tell u mi surfin' stori?
C Evans:	My bit ov Capt. Cook's Mistaek iz next-dor 2 teh birfplaec ov .au surfin'!
N Boulting:	Did u go surfin'?
C Evans:	No. I rode mi biek.
N Boulting:	Thass me tole! I went on holibobs in Mundaka once!
C Evans & SD Millar [in stereo]:
N Boulting:	T FDJ! D Gaudu! They left A Demare @ hoam!
SD Millar:	Cud get intrestin' iffen T Pinot haz IDEAS thobut!
Omnes:	Bring it!
SD Millar:	Look, see, ***! Teh L'Urdaibai Birb Center (sic)! Tell us about teh birbs ov teh Basque cuntri go on o u mite!
N Boulting:	Er, um, it's not ranin'! Look, see! A house wif P Bilbao painted on teh wall!
C Evans & SD Millar [in stereo]:
N Boulting:	D Gaudu! Had a public slangin' match wif A Demare!
SD Millar:	Thass wot 'appens when u got sumwun liek M Madiot in charge!
P Eenkhoorn:	\o/ Snottypwn! €1500 2!
	[Sum tiem l8r]
M Pedersen:	\o/
CP Sagan:	Piss!
WV Aert:	Meh! Not intrestd!
SD Millar:	Tho' thanx 2 teh buildup 2 teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE teh pelican haz nocked 20" seconds off ov teh breakfroupfing's lede wifout even tryin'!
	[…]
N Boulting:	I rather rkn teh breakfroupfing haz decieded not 2 botha tryna stay awa orl da!
SD Millar:	Teh pelican will decied! It orlwayz duz! C Guimard tort me that!
N Boulting:	T Pidcock!
TP Kennaugh:	He cud be a Gee-See contenda but I doan rekn 'e wunts 2. Liek J Alaphilippe!
N Boulting:	He mite ov pwned teh Tour ov BRITAIN last yere but then Missis Kwin died utterly 2 DETH…
SD Millar:	Chute! Sumwun from TU X!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz that tiem ov da! T-tiem! Well, it iz on teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Basque beech parti! Totes missin' teh raec! Sum gud dancin' thobut!
Bethany (13):	Ur standards r low indeed, ***! C me afta teh staeg 4 teh applicashn ov sum Cloo!
Omnes:	Iffen she taeks afta her Mum thass gonna sting, ***!
Bethany (13):	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	M Cavendish! `T AS-TA-NA`!
TP Kennaugh:	They ent used 2 sprint0rz!
SD Millar:	They got C Bol & LL Sanchez an' Y Fedorov + G Moscon, 2 naem but three (3)!
Omnes:	G Moscon will onli b ne use iffen he dunt punch ne-1!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing haz not bin cort, tho they neerli woz.
Omnes:	…yay! Teh Devil! Anna Yorkshire fleg! Shit jus' got reel!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! Pwned evryfink erli this yere! Liek `[“The Belgian rider” – Ed.]`!
M Cavendish:	Ssssssssssh!
E Merckx:	Pffft! T Pogačar can't sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE liek me, teh gr8 E Merckx!
Omnes:	Stow it, old-tiemr!
SD Millar:	Biek chaeng 4 A Lutsenko! Y Fedorov doned a u-ey 2 come bak 4 'im!
N Boulting:	Thass norti! Cud get a penalti 4 tha…
B Dickinson:	Iffen I cud interrupt u 4 a mo, ***. Becoz COWBELLZ! Yay!
	[…]
N Boulting:	4 sum reezn A Lutsenko is losin' tiem 2 teh pelican! Perchance Y Fedorov can't descant 4 tooffe?
A Lutsenko:	I pwned a staeg, rememba!
Omnes:	U ent gonna own this 1!
A Lutsenko:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh Oke Tree ov Guernica! Under that round thing!
SD Millar:	Wot sort ov birbs were they wot kept flyin' thru teh pictcha, ***?
N Boulting:	Guernica! Bomms! Franco! He blaemd teh Republicanz! Teh lier!
Omnes:	U doan kno, do u?
N Boulting:	Shut! Up! M Mørkøv!
SD Millar:	T Pinot!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh breakfroupfing haz bin cort b4 we even get 2 teh Col de Morga!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! TL Dstny r makin' pore ded P Eenkhoorn work liek a doggo @ teh front ov teh pelic… oh! He hav xploded!
SD Millar:	Spottycomp reset 2 0, effectivli!
N Boulting:	Look, see! TUAE Emirates r on teh fro… er, TJ Visma, er… I'll come in agane, shall I?
SD Millar:	Teh sprint0rz r bein' shat out ov teh pelican's fethery bum! Reashurin' 4 M Cavendish that orl teh sprint0rz r bein' dropt @ teh saem tiem!
N Boulting:	Teh Spottypwn went 2 sumwun from TU X onli we doan kno who…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Soon iz come teh Côte de Vivero wot iz a cat. 2 clime! Wot will set teh kitteh among teh birbs an' no mistaek! Look, see! C Laporte haz bin dropt alredi!
C Laporte:	I h8 this!
SD Millar:	M Bjerg settin' teh paec on teh front 4 & on bhalf ov T Pogačar!
N Boulting:	tis but a appetisr 4 teh Côte de Pike just b4 teh finish thobut!
SD Millar:	Look, see! W Barguil haz bin dropt!
Bethany (13):	Shittens!
N Boulting:	Onoz! P Bilbao ent gonna pwn it from thare!
P Bilbao:	Arse!
N Powless:	\o/ Spottypwn! Teh spottyjumper shall be mine orl mine!
G Zimmermann:	Guess I'll haveta Cover Down, Pray Through…
Omnes:	Get out!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap E Mas, R Carapace & J Shaw doned a chute!
SD Millar:	Crossed weelz?
N Boulting:	R Carapace looks fuXX0rd! No MOAR shitverts thobut.
R Carapaz:	U think I caer? Oooh, that hurts!
E Mas:	U think u got prombles? I's gotta go hoam! [Goes hoam]
T Moviestar's AI:	`+++ ¡NO COMPUTA! +++`
N Boulting:	Oooh! Thare revvin' it up now!
SD Millar:	Big boyz r runnin' out ov minionz!
N Boulting:	E Bernal dropt! F Großschartner haz a big gap!
F Großschartner:	Ware is evry-1? Oh.
SD Millar:	A Yates! J Alaphilippe in trub! WV Aert in trub!
N Boulting:	V Lafay!
V Lafay:	Wait… WOT??
SD Millar:	Could still come bak 2getha coz thare's still 9 (nine) km 2 go!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh Yates bruvs r off teh front!
A & S Yates [in stereo]:	yeh catchusiffenu can yeh
N Boulting:	Teh 3rd froup on teh rode haz no chance 2 surviev! Teh Yates bruvs r increesin' thare lede!
SD Millar:	They haz teh big gap now!
N Boulting:	No tittin' about, u 2!
S Yates:	yeh er piss
A Yates:	\o/ yeh
T Pogačar:	P3 & 4’ ov bonerfications!
SD Millar:	Thass a turnip 4 teh books! Maeks up 4 teh bounsi carsle ov Doom!
A Yates:	yehdunnowot2sa yehimenedescanter yehmibruveryeh liekiseder yehnoyehsoopahappi
Interviewer:	Wot did he just sa?
	[…]
G Imlach:	Well, that wuz priti unexpektd, rite kidz?
M Rendall:	O hai, A Yates!
A Yates:	yehdunnowot2sa yehimenedescanter yehmibruveryeh liekiseder yehnoyehsoopahappi
Omnes:	Dint 'e jus' sa that 2 teh otha bloke?
S Yates:	I wanted 2 pwn it but… betta mi bruv than ne-1 else! Nevvah mind, I'll get 'im tomoz!
Bethany (13):	Gud 2 c that S Yates c'n still spikim Ing! U wanna giev ur bruv lesons, m8?

Beardy · « **Reply #5 on:** 01 July, 2023, 06:41:23 pm »

Super smashing smasher, PP returnz

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #6 on:** 01 July, 2023, 06:55:55 pm »

Confused by weird Danish surnames though, as the TdF's webby SCIENCE refers to the rider who pwned the first climb of the day as “J Wilsly” while French TV had him as “J Gregaard”. When he's actually J Gregaard Wilsly in the same way that last year’s Super-Dane is M Cort Nielsen.

Mrs Pingu · « **Reply #7 on:** 01 July, 2023, 07:08:25 pm »

Quote from: Mr Larrington on 01 July, 2023, 06:55:55 pm

Confused by weird Danish surnames though, as the TdF's webby SCIENCE refers to the rider who pwned the first climb of the day as “J Wilsly” while French TV had him as “J Gregaard”. When he's actually J Gregaard Wilsly in the same way that last year’s Super-Dane is M Porn Star Moustache Cort Nielsen.

FTFY

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #8 on:** 01 July, 2023, 07:32:14 pm »

Quote from: Mrs Pingu on 01 July, 2023, 07:08:25 pm

Quote from: Mr Larrington on 01 July, 2023, 06:55:55 pm
Confused by weird Danish surnames though, as the TdF's webby SCIENCE refers to the rider who pwned the first climb of the day as “J Wilsly” while French TV had him as “J Gregaard”. When he's actually J Gregaard Wilsly in the same way that last year’s Super-Dane is M Porn Star Moustache Cort Nielsen.
FTFY

The 70s Pr0n Star 'tache was traditionally J Degenkolb's badge of office.

Mrs Pingu · « **Reply #9 on:** 01 July, 2023, 07:37:58 pm »

Having had a quick look on Google I'd describe his more as rakish cad and all round lady-killer.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #10 on:** 01 July, 2023, 07:53:31 pm »

Hmmm, yes, I see what you mean. A bit Terry-Bloody-Thomas.

Beardy · « **Reply #11 on:** 02 July, 2023, 12:26:10 am »

Oh, I saay!

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #12 on:** 02 July, 2023, 05:07:41 pm »

Stage 2: Vitoria-Gasteiz -> Saint-Sébastien

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G Imlach:	O hai & welcome 2 da 2 (two) ov wot promies 2 b 1 ov teh phunnest Tours ov France sinse records began and who betta 2 open teh sho than me, TV's G Imlach? Ofishly funnier than famine, playg, wor, pollushn & livin' nexdor 2 Alice!
Omnes:	Alice? Who teh fck iz Alice ba-dumm TISH!
G Imlach:
Bethany (13):	I doan rekn E Mas sharez ur op!on ov teh raec thus fa, G Imlach, & if R Carapace want 2 hold u wile I kik u I shall b happi 2 oblije!
G Imlach:	Well, I thort it woz rofflesum! Ne-wa, it lede 2 teh intrestin' kwestion ov whos gonna be numbawang on TEFE Post?
Bethany (13):	Durrrrr! Mi Da… R Uràn, obv!
N Powless:	O RLY?
Bethany (13):	YA RLY!
N Powless:	Ur crazy, kid!
CP Sagan:	Oi!
Omnes:	LET THEM FITE!!1!
G Imlach:	Ne-way, teh Yates bruvs…
A & S Yates [in stereo]:	yeh er haha. yeh
TP Kennaugh:	It dunt get ne bigga, xept bein' from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	T Pogačar! Sneeki grabbin' ov bonerfications!
C Evans:	WV Aert well bete. Ha ha!
	[…]
G Imlach:	2da teh parcours iz teh longest ov teh hole raec onli it ent that long! Also thare are bonerfications 4 teh Cat. 2 Jaizkibel clime wot iz onli nine (9) km from teh staeg finish! Ne-wa, 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	O hai! I got teh WWX Lackey 2 look up teh last tiem 2 (two) bruvs got 1-2 (one-two) onna staeg. Woz teh Schleck bruvs in 2011 onli they ent twinz0rz an' they woz on teh saem teem!
WWX Lackey:	I'll get even 4 that, ***, u wnkr!
SD Millar:	Ur fierd! Bethany (13)! Find us a new WWX Lackey!
Bethany (13):	Find 1 urself, u idle fckr! Wot u think mi job iz, Pr0duckt10nz™^® Asistent? I's workin' on mi peece 4 teh 1st rest da sho!
SD Millar:	Ooooh! Tetchy!
C Evans:	[Chaengin' subj.] Wot a da yesterda, eh! Ne-thing c'n hapn in teh Tour ov France!
Omnes:	Iz thare also a long wa 2 go 4 sure?
C Evans:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	U rememba that tiem when teh Schleck bruvs pwned teh staeg? U woz 3rd!
C Evans:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	Wot u rememba ov that da, Super D?
SD Millar:	Agony igony ogony & mahogany!
Omnes:	SD Millar woz so fa bak he dint c it!
N Boulting:	Teh Man had 2 fidle wif teh resultz coz 2 mani rid0rz woz over teh tiem limit! Also, thare iz a dere down thare, runnin' thru a swomp!
C Evans:	U doan c that evri da!
Bethany (13):	Unless u live inna swomp wif a lot ov dere. In it. LOL!
C Prudhomme [waevs fleg]:	Scram, u oiks, b4 I unleesh teh Doggos ov Polis Action!
N Boulting:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, N Pooless!
N Powless:	4 sure teh shinyboiz will contest teh big climez so I dunno about teh spottyjumper! We will c!
N Boulting:	Iz this a brake I c b4 me?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe.
N Boulting:	2 mani strong rid0rz in teh move. TJ Visma shuttin' it down. NV Hooydonck!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pidcock!
T Pidcock:	O hai! Disappointin' yesterda. Last clime woz horble!
D Friebe:	Monsta descant b4 teh finish 2da…
T Pidcock:	4 sure. We will c.
D Friebe:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
N Boulting:	N Pooless & EH Boson havin' a tri!
SD Millar:	0 chance, lusers! Oh, wate!
N Boulting:	R Cavagna haz cort them & now thare off liek teh stabd rat!
T Pelican:	Onli three (3) ov them. Let 'em suffa.
N Boulting:	They haz 40" seconds so u lucki peeps c'n haz sum shitverts!
Omnes:	Deep joy!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Teh 1st teme haz fckd off 4 lunch so u got me, Tiny P & Cuddles…
Omnes:	MUNKEH!!1!
A Greipel [via ApeMail]:	Oi!
C Evans:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh brake haz 2' minits.
M Rendell:	EH Boson! 13th Tour ov France! A Nogweegie record 4 a Nogweegie!
Omnes:
M Rendell:	I h8 u all!
ML Maire:	That looks liek a splat pelican down thare! & u dweebs r wibblin' about teh Clasico ov San Seb!
D Friebe:	O hai, MVD Poel!
MVD Poel:	O hai! Not gr8 yesterda! Iz a long wa 2 go. We will c!
D Friebe:	FFS!
TP Kennaugh:	Look, see! S Yates in teh snottyjumper! Iz a diffrunt grene this yere an' I doan liek it! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	Did u kno that T Pogačar iz equallin' teh record 4 das in teh juniorshinyjumper 2da, wif FB Ullrich!
Omnes:	Who et orl teh pies? Who et orl teh pies? Ect.
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh brake haz 4' minits! Now a guest aperence from TEFE Post's taim Dalek!
TEFE Post's Dalek:	`EX-TER-MIN-8 E-H BO-SON & R CA-VA-NYA! EET! DRINK! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!`
D Friebe:	O hai, J Alaphilippe!
J Alaphilippe:	RAAAAWWWWRR! We will tri 2 put rid0rz in teh brake. We will c!
C Evans:	That went well, then!
J Alaphilippe:	R Cavagna iz 1 ov ours!
C Evans:	Oh. Bugger.
M Rendell:	R Majka! 'e's a funneh boi!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz wot u nede in a teme! Iz not orl about abiliti on teh biek! Well, it iz about abiliti on teh biek but…
Omnes:	Iz that y no-1 want 2 ried wif u, C Evans!
C Evans:	I h8 u all!
Omnes:	R wurk hear iz dun!
M Rendell:	Soon iz come teh snottysprint! EH Boson sprint0r ov yestayere! He's 36 (thirty-six), u kno!
M Cavendish:	So woz I in 2021 & I pwned 4 (four) staegs & teh snottyjumper!
EH Boson:	\o/ Snottypwn! Ta, u guyz!
	[Kwite a lot l8r]
J Philipsen:	\o/
S Welsford:	Arse!
	[…]
Omnes:	Laek! Kwik, get *** bak!
N Boulting:	[Revolting chewing noiziz]
TP Kennaugh:	Iz gonna b a big fite 4 teh snottyjumper this yere! Esp. coz WV Aert ent playin'.
Omnes:
M Rendell:	U-5s23s!
C Evans:	M Kitteh woz a U-5s23s tiem-trail champion!
M Kitteh [via KittehPost]:	O hai! I liek fish! Also, miaow!
Omnes:	Clere off, M Kitteh! Go pla wif ur skweeki mouse!
M Kitteh:	I h8 u all! Xept fish!
TP Kennaugh:	C Ewan, teh hoamsik rok, usedta do well in hili raecs as a U-5s23s!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Me agane! How fukn long duz it taek *** & Super D 2 scoff a ratburger, FFS?
N Boulting:	Kepe 'em comin', ~~Barguil~~ barmaid!
Bethany (13):	Smash teh patriarky! Tho' I duz miss Sunday dins wif teh P-Fs…
5's Mummy:	You are always welcome here, Bethany dear!
5's Daddy:	I ent sure I c'n afford that on a reg'lar basis roffle!
5:	Do Ai get a menshn this yer… oooh, haunch ov unicron!
ML Maire:	Iz it ranin' or iz it just a unushuli shit pikcha this yere? Roll on ITV4 HD!
M Rendell:	Indijinus rid0rz! N Pooless B Girmay! R Carapace! C Evans, u had Aborijnle Stuff on ur biek, no? Oh, shitvert tiem
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaaaaack! Hic!
SD Millar:	I wuv u man! Ur mi bes' fren'! Iz thare ne MOAR?
N Boulting:	WWX Lackey! Fetch teh Cooffe-o-Matic 2000!
WWX Lackey:	Ur m8 fierd me, rememba! Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	Ur reinstaytd! Also, thare r biskitz!
	[FX: Espresso machine, chainsaw, tree falling over, steam locomotive, flushing toilet]
SD Millar:	Aaaaaah, that's betta!
WWX Lackey:	Fukn Rich T? Corl that a biskit? Wnkr!
N Boulting:	Ur fierd!
	[On teh Col d'Udana]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh snottyjumper! Iz diffrunt grene! Not sure I liek!
SD Millar:	Me neeva!
TP Kennaugh:	I wish I'd sed tha… oh, wate!
N Boulting:	[Incomprehensible wibble about mushrooms]
N Powless:	\o/ Spottypwn!
SD Millar:	Look, see! M Bjerg haz pulled bak 30" seconds on teh clime!
N Boulting:	Teh brake iz alredi on teh Côte d'Aztiria wot iz a Cat. 4 (four) clime.
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates donin' teh chaes orl on thare own! T Pogačar iz teh Boss!
N Powless:	U ent gonna fite me 4 teh Spottypwn, r u?
EH Boson & R Cavagna [in stereo]:	[Innocent whistling]
N Powless:	\o/ Spottypwn!
SD Millar:	Gap down 2 3.5' minits! TUAE Emirates will either continu 2 pull teh brake bak or they won't!
Omnes:	O RLY?
N Boulting:	Look, see! TJ Visma r… oh. No, they ent comin' 2 teh front afta orl
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh brake iz bak out 2 4' minits. Who mite pwn teh staeg 2da?
SD Millar:	TJ Visma & WV Aert will pwn it unless they don't. T Ineo$. TJ Alula. Sumwun else. Y u aks teh Stupidz kwestionz?
N Boulting:	Iz mi job! Look, see! Church! Teh bellz! Teh bellz!
Omnes:	Iz teh lunch-pack ov Nôtre Dame!
N Boulting:	I h8 u all! Wind!
SD Millar:	Wind!
ML Maire:	Tut, R Cavagna! U throwed a ~~bidet~~ bidon in teh rode wen u woz rite alongsied teh teme car! That'll cost u!
	[…]
ML Maire:	& anuvva fing. Wot's teh bloak in teh Škoda shitvert s'posed 2 do wif that weel? Teh mekanik orta ov took it wif 'im! Numpti…
N Boulting:	Rox! Tomoz we haz Prof. Sumwun ov Utrecht torkin' about rox! Doggo! Doggo in teh rode! Mist teh rid0rz & tryd 2 assault attack a motabiek! Bad doggo!
Bethany (13):	Bad fukn doggo-pwner, MOAR liek! I'd hav 'em shot! Wif skware bulits!
N Boulting:	EH Boson! He's pwned 3 (three) staegs, orl from brakes!
SD Millar:	He's got 0 chance 2 surviev aganst N Pooless on teh last clime!
N Boulting:	GPWM. Damn u!
	[…]
N Boulting:	M Bjerg iz @ it agane! Gap bak down 2 3.5' minits!
T Pelican:	Pack it in, u nutjob!
N Boulting:	Tour ov teh Basque Cuntri!
SD Millar:	Orlwayz had a pria engagemnt when that woz on! 2 much liek hard work! I new wot teh rodes woz…
N Boulting:	Chute! A Edmondson! Hit teh kerb onna corna!
SD Millar:	No biggi!
	[…]
N Boulting:	N Craddock! He doned a birb impreshn @ teh teme presentashn!
Omnes:
SD Millar:	Look, see! TJ Visma are comin' 2 teh front!
N Boulting:	Radio Free Prudhomme sez M Cavendish haz bin dropt!
M Cavendish:	I h8 this!
SD Millar:	Hoapfli teh otha sprint0rz will b dropt 2! Not that I's biased or nuffink…
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Walloper haz bin dropt!
T Gallopin:	Fck! Off!
SD Millar:	Dissent in teh TUAE Emirates ranx! M Trentin! R Majka!
M Trentin:	Pack it in, M Bjerg, u mentle!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cavendish is bak in teh pelican's fethery bum!
Omnes:	Hurrah!
N Boulting:	TUAE Emirates! Full ov, er, charact0rz! M Soler T Pogačar R Majka M Trentin! Last yere they had G Bennett 2!
G Bennett [via KiwiGram]:	Sivin pingwins' iggs!
TEFE Post's Dalek:	`EX-TER-MIN-ATE THEM ON TEH FLAT!`
	[On teh Côte d'Alkiza]
N Powless:	U ent gonna fite me 4 teh Spottypwn, r u?
SD Millar:	Dunt matta. Teh brake iz doomd! TUAE Emirates will kik sand in thare faeces! Kik! Ahahahaha!
N Boulting:	U channelin' EC Boardman?
R Cavagna:	Piss! I haz xploded!
M Cavendish:	So haz I! I h8 this!
N Boulting:	Chute! Chute in teh pelican!
SD Millar:	No-1 damaged but will maek sum rid0rz fall out ov teh pelican's big fethery arse!
N Boulting:	M Bjerg iz @ it agane! Sprint0rz bein' shelled out teh bak!
N Powless:	\o/ Spottypwn! Teh spottyjumper iz mien 4 anuvva da!
SD Millar:	Thare iz still a long wa 2…
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh gap iz below 2' minits! & teh descant iz wet in plaecs!
SD Millar:	EH Boson dunt look happi on teh descant 2!
TEFE Post's Dalek:	`EX-TER-MIN-ATE T-U-A-E-EM-I-RATS ON TEH DES-CANT!`
EH Boson:	Oh gr8
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Moscon! M Cavendish's nü bezzy!
E Gesbert [via FireBook]:	Wnkr!
SD Millar:	M Cavendish haz that effect on peops!
N Boulting:	Radio Free Prudhomme sez teh sprint0rz r bak in teh safeti ov teh pelican!
Omnes:	Hurrah!
N Boulting:	Chute! M Trentin onna roundabout!
SD Millar:	Needs a nü biek!
TUAE Emirates:	We ent watin'!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd!
Bethany (13):	Wot, agane?
N Boulting:	fraid so. Brake still haz MOAR'n 2' minits. N Pooless still goin' hard, liek…
SD Millar:	Iffen he's feelin' gud he cud pwn teh shinyjumper! Or not!
N Boulting:	Soon iz come teh spot ware Mummy & Daddy Yates r watchin'! Ma Yates sez she's bin xpektin' this situashn 4 yeres!
Ma Yates:	yeh
N Boulting:	VS Laengen, havin' bin dropt, iz not onli bak on but workin' @ teh front!
VS Laengen:	DKUATB, u dweebs! Roffle!
T Pelican:	Wnkr!
N Boulting:	Look, see! R Cavagna! Rite @ teh bak wif M Cavendish! Speed ov a raechorse, strengf ov a carthorse, branez ov a rockin' horse!
5:	Horseys? Ware?
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap VS Laengen iz still on it, P Bilbao hav xploded & teh gap iz, er, 2' minits.
SD Millar:	N Pooless & EH Boson not givin' up thobut!
EH Boson:	Oog! I's 2 old 4 this shit!
	[On teh Côte de Gurutze]
N Powless:	U ent gonna fite me 4… ware'd he go?
EH Boson:	Piss!
N Boulting:	Chute! BO Connor! MV Gils! 1 (one) or two (2) othas!
TP Fairy:	O hai! O hai, J Vingegaard!
J Vingegaard:	Arse!
N Powless:	C me taek advantij ov teh confushn in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican bi pwning teh spotty, er, pwn!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap N Pooless still haz almoast 2' minits, TJ Visma r sneekin' 2wards teh front & I want a ice creem! Now u kno az much az we duz!
EH Boson:	Chiz cursiz cort, liek a Treen inna imploding submarene!
N Boulting:	Neglect not teh tiem bonerfications @ teh top ov teh Jaizkibel, wot N Pooless iz now on!
SD Millar:	TJ Visma orl ov a suden! T Ben00t! Temes orl scattad!
N Boulting:	DV Baarle! NV Hooydonck! W Kelderman! TJ Visma bin keepin' thare hyperbole inna cool dry plaec!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar appere not 2 hav ne minionz left!
TJ Visma:	LOL @ TUAE Emirates!
N Boulting:	5 km 40" seconds! TUAE Emirates hav got thare act bak 2getha!
TUAE Emirates:	LOL @ TJ Visma!
R Majka:	Rite, u softys, watch this!
T Pelican:	Awww, FFS!
N Powless:	Awww, FFS!
R Majka:	Niec tri son, roffle!
N Boulting:	T Pinot dropt!
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe neerli dropt!
N Boulting:	0 "neerli" about it… V Madouas dropt!
SD Millar:	A Yates workin' 4 T Pogačar!
A Yates:	yeherhestehboss. yeh.
N Boulting:	WV Aert dropt! S Yates 2 teh front!
T Pogačar:	LOL, Engleesh! \o/
J Vingegaard:	P2. C me do fck-all until WV Aert catches up…
N Boulting:	Iz comin' bak 2getha on teh descant!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Az I predicted, they haz bin cort. TB Notorious haz 4 (four) rid0rz in teh froup, includin' P Bilbao…
Omnes:	…who u sed woz dropt yonks ago!
N Boulting:	I, er, look, see! T Pidcock!
SD Millar:	P Bilbao monsterin' teh descant! Even WV Aert c'n't kepe up!
N Boulting:	P Bilbao still on it! Wind!
SD Millar:	TJ Visma gettin' thare act 2getha! T Ben00t!
N Boulting:	Cort 'im! Wait, wot! E Buchmann assault attack
E Buchmann's Mutti:	Emanuel? Wo bist du? Wir sollten in den Zoo gehen!
E Buchmann:	Scheißdreck!
SD Millar:	Orta b naled on 4 WV Aert no…
N Boulting:	T Pidcock! Oh. Put teh friteners on WV Aert thobut!
WV Aert:	Y they orl pickin' on me? 'snot fare!
N Boulting:	V Lapay assault attack!
V Lapay:	\o/ Ha! LOL @ WV Aert!
WV Aert:	Gagh!! U useless fukn baskit caeses!
W Kelderman & T Ben00t [in stereo]:	We dun r best, consigliere!
T Pogačar:	MOAR tiem bonerfications 4 meeeeeeeee!
	[…]
T Pogačar:	Oi, Yatesy, u c WV Aert @ teh finish? He doned this [mimes thumping biek]! LOL!
A Yates:	erroffle yeh ha ha!
G Imlach:	Well, we dint xpekt that!
C Evans:	V Lapay woz kwite handi yesterda thobut!
TP Kennaugh:	I er, um, I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Still A Yates in teh shinyjumper, T Pogačar 2nd becoz bonerfications, S Yates third, V Lafay up 2 P4.
TP Kennaugh:	A Yates sed `NO CARRIER`
ML Maire:	Bloody ITV4!
Bethany (13):	Wotesed!

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #13 on:** 03 July, 2023, 05:38:20 pm »

Stage 3: Amorebieta-Etxano -> Bayonne

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & welcome 2…
EO Aquitaine:	Stow it, sonny! I's donin' teh intro 2da coz thare on mi manor! Rgu & I'll haz ur hed chopt off!
Omnes:	Hurrah, iz Her Ultra-Violent Maj!
G Imlach:	I…I…cor-wumph!
EO Aquitaine:	Soz 2 haz not bin on teh 1st 2 staegs but I dunt trust them Basques wif thare daft hats & funneh langwij! Ne-wa, teh raec iz comin' hoam 2 its natrul, er, hoam, wot iz la belle France innit & iffen *** starts bangin' on about surfin' agane I'll hav 'im disembowelled. And then chop hiz hed off. U bin warnd!
Bethany (13):	Wha-hey! Thort u mite ov bin exorcised, or trapt in a Sirkel ov Basingrad, or sumfink!
EO Aquitaine:	Taeks MOAR'n sum bloke inna dress shoutin' "Out damn' Spot" in lat. 2 kepe this wandrin' spirit down! Ne-wa, 2da's staeg hav a few lumps in teh first 1/2 but iz then moastli harmless 4 teh 2nd so orta suit one (1) o' they sprint0rz, that they haz now!
C Evans:	Who's that torkin'? I c'n't c ne-1!
Bethany (13):	Ah, I 4gotted, ur nü hear! C Evans, meet EO Aquitaine (~1122-1204), 4ma Kwene ov Ingerlund & Dutchess ov Aquitaine wot is now part ov teh France! She's bin horntin' teh prog. sinse 2017. Ur Maj, this is C Ev… oh! He's fainted! Wuss! L Deignan dint done that!
EO Aquitaine:	Oh, I kno who he is. Hiz post-raec interviewz0rz r teh Stuffs ov Legend even among teh lejuns ov teh d-e-d! As I woz sain', M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	O hai, ur Maj!
EO Aquitaine:	Good lad! Bhaev & I'll aks Charlie-boi 2 giv u a kniggethood!
M Cavendish:	Coo, ta! Aries, Sur Cav! Gotta ring 2 it, I's gotta sa!
TP Kennaugh:	Don' wurri, C Evans, u get used 2 EO Aquitaine. Tho she did thro me in teh oubliette onna rest da… Probli coz I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
EO Aquitaine:	Woz coz ur an annoyin' an' disrispekful l'il squit! Tho I liek ur earing! Iz orl dangli, liek a trat0rz hed when teh bloke wif teh sord dunt get it orl teh wa off 1st tiem!
G Imlach:	Becoz TV's J Wade & hiz fishies we onli got teh full liev staegs on teh weekenz, so we orta get 2 teh colemantary Sheds in caes ne-fing xitin hav hapnd! Super D? ***? Hav ne-fing xitin hapnd?
SD Millar:	Y, yes! L Pichon & N Pooless r teh futile brake 2da. N Pooless pwned teh 1st 2 (two) spottyclimes, L Pichon pwned teh snottysprint, V Lafay sneekd off ov teh front ov teh pelican 2 bagsi sum snottypoints & WV Aert woz noware. Now u kno az much az we duz. Or MOAR'n Tiny P Kennaugh.
TP Kennaugh:
N Boulting:	V Lafay hav stayd awa from teh mitey beek ov teh pelican. A bit. He hav 30" seconds wile teh lead0rz haz 2' minits. He iz doomd.
V Lafay:	[Waevs 2 spectidiots] O hai! This iz phun innit!
N Powless:	\o/ Spottypwn!
N Boulting:	V Lafay mite continu 2 pwn snottysprints orl thru teh raec & pwn teh jumper that wa!
TP Kennaugh:	Like wot CP Sagan doned!
CP Sagan:	I pwned staegs 2, u oaf!
N Boulting:	Wot duz we think ov teh nü! IMPROVED!! Snottyjumper?
SD Millar:	Do! Not! Liek!
	[…]
N Boulting:	TJ Visma! Did they bugga it up yesterda?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. Yes, they did! Iffen J Vingegaard had doned a turn on teh front WV Aert wud ov pwned teh staeg and now 'e's FUMMIN!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Hear iz Prof DV Hinsbergen ov teh uni ov Utrecht 2 tork 2 u about rox!
PDV Hinsbergen:	O hai! Look, see! Cool rox! [Points] Hear! Rite unda teh rodes! This bit iz from teh xtinkshn ov teh dinosores! Iridium! Them iz teh footprintz ov beesties in teh mudd! 4 sure!
N Boulting:	& thass not sumfing ur gonna get on DingoVision! Hurrah 4 P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz™^®!
SD Millar:	[Snoring]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh Ba ov Biscay! Iz bloo, & wet! We goned 4 a swim in it this mornin'. Well, I did. Tiny P 4got hiz water wings…
TP Kennaugh:	I h8 u all!
SD Millar:	Look, see! BO Connor! He's havin' a shit raec this yere!
BO Connor:	Yeah, m8, this sux! Fanci a BEER?
N Boulting:	We sent ect!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish! Ur hilites ov teh last 2 das?
M Cavendish:	Finishin'! Teh Basque fanz0rz is amazeballs! Gr8 tememaets 2!
D Friebe:	Ur lede-out planz?
M Cavendish:	Ent tellin'! Worls haz eers & so duz teh otha sprint0rz!
D Friebe:	Thass me tole!
N Boulting:	M Cavendish iz njoin' this seezn!
TP Kennaugh:	I's gonna miss him! Sob! & hiz interviewz0rz 2!
	[…]
BO Connor:	Onoz! Mi chane haz felled off! Agane!
Omnes:	Snek! Snek!
N Boulting:	C Evans, speke 2 us ov BO Connor!
C Evans [from unda teh desk]:	Haz teh goasti goned yet?
EO Aquitaine:	Nope
C Evans:	Eeep!
D Friebe:	O hai, WV Aert! U angri wif J Vingegaard 4 not helpin'?
WV Aert:	O hai! Noes, angri wif miself 4 not pwning teh staeg! Honiss!
D Friebe:	U not happi wif teh wa Netflix portrai u on teh tellibox?
WV Aert:	Hahahahahaha! Idiots! C'n't wate 2 c wot they maek up this yere roffle!
N Boulting:	V diplomatic bi WV Aert!
C Evans:	Yes. Yes, it woz!
SD Millar:	I xpekt teh DS had WURDZ last nite!
N Boulting:	Basques! Wales! Er, whales! They hunted 'em!
SD Millar:	I did not kno that until yesterda!
Bethany (13):	Ent ML Maire savin' whales nex' weekend?
ML Maire:	No. No, I am not!
Bethany (13):	I fort u sed…
D Friebe:	O hai, S Welsford! Niec mustash!
S Welsford:	O hai! Dreme raec 4 me! Dreme comed troo!
D Friebe:	U adaptin' 2 teh rode?
S Welsford:	4 sure! Saem guyz just MOAR ov 'em. We will c!
D Friebe:	O hai, C Ewan!
C Ewan:	O hai! Triki finish! Teknikl! JD Buyst hav hurt hiz rist! We will c!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap WV Aert haz a promble wif his shooz!
WV Aert:	Thare skweekin', liek M Kitteh's mouse!
SD Millar:	C teh TJ Visma blaksmiff sort it out!
N Boulting:	Ne-wa, teh raec iz on teh Côte d'Orioko-Benta ware N Pooless will pwn teh spottypoints.
C Evans:	Dunt leev a lot 4 L Pichon xept teh combativité wot iz important iffen ur Frenchish!
N Powless:	\o/ w00t!
SD Millar:	Wuz surpriezd 2 here M Cavendish ent nevvah raecd in teh Basque Cuntri b4!
C Evans:	I ent! Look @ teh rodes!
SD Millar:	Thass y I tryd 2 avoyd 'em 2!
N Boulting:	Chute! Perhaps! Or jus' a pinchpoint on teh clime!
SD Millar & C Evans [in stereo]:
SD Millar:	Look, see! Teh pelican haz stopped flyin' agane!
N Boulting:	Look, see! F Wright! He haz cut hiz elbo! We sent…
D Friebe:	O hai, F Wright!
F Wright:	O hai! No brake 2da! All-in 4 teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! We will c! Teh crowdz r gr8! Hard staegs Sat. & Sun. We will c!
N Boulting:	He's a jolly fello!
SD Millar:	Chirpi chappi!
N Boulting:	TBH, I ent that kene on Indian nosh!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap L Pichon & N Pooless doned teh fisting, wot mene L Pichon c'n now fck off on hiz tod!
N Powless:	Bai!
S Welsford:	Onoz! Mi stem ent strate! Spannaman plz!
N Boulting:	Sprint0rz! Tempramentl beesties! We ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, D Groaningwagon!
D Groenewegen:	O hai! 4 sure will b sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 2 da! V teknikl finish! We will c!
D Friebe:	So thare we haz it! [Mic drop]
C Evans:	I predict teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE will b unpredictabl!
Omnes:	O RLY?
C Evans:	YA RLY!
N Boulting:	R Costa! Chattin' 2 spectidiots wile hiz biek gets fixt! He's 1 (one) ov ur jenerashn C Evans Super D, no?
C Evans:	Doan remin' me! Git! Still, niec seeneri! U doan appresheate it when ur ridin'!
SD Millar:	Coz ur lookin' at teh rufty-tufty hairy-arse ov a swarthi Pork'n'Cheez domestique orl da!
Bethany (13):	Eeeeeew
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap S Welsford haz MOAR biek trub!
TP Fairy:	LOL &, moreover, roffle!
N Boulting:	How u rekn S Welsford will done in teh mntns?
C Evans:	Badli…
SD Millar:	Iffen he's lucki he mite get 2 Paris Paree!
N Boulting:	Mais c'est teh Tour ov France! C'n inspier rid0rz 2 gr8 thingz! M Kitteh & D Groaningwagon haz pwned on teh Chomps-Elizy! Eytali!
C Evans:	Altho biek racin' iz v. intanashnl theez das iffen u poak it wif a stik u find moastli Eyetalyunz & Beljuns!
N Boulting:	Menewile, L Pichon still haz 2' minits ova teh pelican!
L Pichon:	Combativité, innit! Look, see! We r in teh France & I, L Pichon, a French Frenchman wif a French naem, am ledin' teh raec! w00t!
SD Millar:	I dint notiec! & I useta liev hear!
Omnes:	Iz coz thare woz 2 mani Basques in 1 (one) exit!
SD Millar:	Fck! Off!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap L Pichon haz onli a tad ova 1' minit! MVD Poel!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	MVD Poel!
5's Mummy:	Oh for goodness' sake, you two (2). Please give it a rest!
SD Millar:	Ooooh, tetchi! Also, he's on teh telli bringin' J Philipsen bak 2 teh safeti ov teh pelican's fish-nommin' beek!
5's Mummy:	Why did you not say so earlier, you silly man! Play up, MVD Poel!
MVD Poel:	fankooauntysyrah!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap bi a bitta x-sope star reduced 2 sellin' insewerants on da-tiem TV 0 hav hapnd!
Bitter Ex-Soap Star:	I still gotta pa mi morgij & fede mi kitteh! Wnkr!
N Boulting:	Shut! Up! L Pichon now hav but 30" seconds!
SD Millar:	Mite look flat but it ent!
N Boulting:	Look, see! JD Buyst! Doan fink 'e's gonna b ledin' out C Ewan 2da!
SD Millar:	No. No, he will not! I, TV's Super D Millar, decree it thus!
N Boulting:	Surfin'!
Omnes:	Shut! Up!
SD Millar:	Not so much 'ere. U gotta go furtha north 4 surfin'!
N Boulting:	S Bennett! A Demare! They ent hear!
T Pelican:	Om nom nom nom tasti L Pichon!
L Pichon:	Iffen they giev teh combativité 2 N Pooless afta that I'll kik sumwun!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! Icepak down hiz jumper! Wots that orl about, eh?
SD Millar:	Bugadifino! `T AS-TA-NA!` Wot mite they done 4 M Cavendish? Lede him 2 teh two (2) km point then leev 'im 2 it? Or wot?
N Boulting:	We will c…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Insied thirty (30) km 2 go & a ickl clime comin'! Mite we c teh temes tryna brake thare rivals?
SD Millar:	No.
N Boulting:	Y not?
SD Millar:	Coz they'd nacka thare own rid0rz 2, dolt! Look, see! Teh 25 km banna! Mi fave!
N Boulting:	Arcangues! Pourquoi ne pas visiter Arcangues pendant vos vacances cette année? Voir les arbres qui sont grands et le cimetière plein de morts?
Le Maire d'Arcangues:	Merci, ***, mais M. Macrobe nous a interdit de vous payer!
N Boulting:	Merde! Aussi, wind!
SD Millar:	Will b fast'n'~~bulbous~~furious in teh last 1 (one) km, 4 sure!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cavendish! In teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! U'd think Le Roi C Prudhomme I wud ov guv 'im #34!
SD Millar:	Or #35 LOL!
M Cavendish:	Sssssssh!
N Boulting:	Look, see! JD Buyst! Deffo not doin' nuffink 4 C Ewan 2da! Not gud 4 C Ewan!
SD Millar:	C Ewan's confiance iz in teh sella az it iz! Hiz teme r startin' 2 think 'e's a Rubbish 2!
Omnes:	Betta not b ne MOAR shitverts b4 teh finish, u 2, or Bethany (13) will kik u repetedli!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Ulp!
SD Millar:	Sketchi! Complicatd!
N Boulting:	Chess! On weelz! LL Sanchez (93) lookin' afta M Cavendish!
SD Millar:	Burnin' matchiz!
N Boulting:	Gee-See rid0rz lookin' out 4 teh three (3) km banna then let teh nuttas get on wif it! R Cavagna!
R Cavagna:	Tokyo drift! Oopsie!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cavendish! #191!
Omnes:	FFS, **! We c'n hardli c thare dossards*, nevvah mind rede thare numbas!
SD Millar:	Mani roundabouts! Stringin' out teh pelican!
N Boulting:	Five (5) km!
SD Millar:	M Cavendish long wa bak!
M Cavendish:	Sssssssh!
SD Millar:	TSQ Step! TA Deceuninck!
N Boulting:	Tite U-turn! Short stepe clime! CP Sagan! Wot's 'e donin' thare!
CP Sagan:	A crazy™!
N Boulting:	MVD Poel! K-os!
J Philipsen:	\o/ w00t!
P Bauhaus:	Arse!
C Ewan:	Piss!
WV Aert:	I wuz robbed! FUMMIN!
M Cavendish:	P6. Not bad 4 a nold git, eh? LOL!
5's Mummy:	Jolly well played, young Mathieu! Oh, wait! I am supposed to be supporting Mr Cavendish, no?
V Lafay:	Teh snottyjumper stas mien! Yay!
A Yates:	yehshinyjumperer yeh
EO Aquitaine:	Hold up! Le Roi C Prudhomme I ent issued teh result yet! Woz that a deviation?
TP Kennaugh:	No.
C Evans:	No.
EO Aquitaine:	Thass me tole!
G Imlach:	Le Roi C Prudhomme agree. Teh result stands!
WV Aert:	Bah!
TP Kennaugh:	Gud job bi `T AS-TA-NA`. They's lernin'!
A Yates:	yeherniecdayeh staoutovtrublyehsoopahappi. yeh
EO Aquitaine:	Anuvva sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE da 2moz in teh hart ov mi cuntri! Wotch or loes ur hed! Ur choiec!

Neither vautours nor buitres yet chiz. Nor even a single solitary saia :'(

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #14 on:** 04 July, 2023, 05:29:31 pm »

Stage 4: Dax -> Nogaro

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O ha…
EO Aquitaine:	I warnd u! I fukn WARND U!!1! Guards! Oh, thare orl d-e-d Bah! Ne-wa teh staeg 2da iz a moastli flat romp thru teh luvverli cuntricide ov that Aquitaine, that they, er, dunt reeli haz ne MOAR. Wif nort but a single 4th kitteh clime 2 kepe N Pooless intrestd. Teh finish iz on teh Nogaro moto-chariot serkit ware thare dint orta b roundaboutz or trafic ilandz or nuffink, tho given wot teh Kingz0rz ov France hav doned evryware else I xpekt they's put in a spede bump or two (2). Elf'n'safeti in mi da woz MOAR about not gettin' lockjor!
G Imlach:	Wot u orl rekn 2 teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE finish yesterda, o mi droogiez?
TP Kennaugh:	It woz, er, fast! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
C Evans:	WV Aert c'n FUMM az much az he lieks but 'e wunt robbed!
EO Aquitaine:	Thare's a stori that a spectidiot 'it 'im wif a fone! Iffen that's troo hedz orta role!
G Imlach:	M Cavendish's V_max woz MOAR'n J Philipsen's! We sent ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish! U fasta'n ne-1 yestada!
M Cavendish:	Meh! No priez 4 that!
D Friebe:	Diffrunt finish 2da…
M Cavendish:	4 sure. Ent nevvah doned a sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE onna mota-racin' trak b4. We will c!
D Friebe:	A Darrigade! Pwned twenty-two (22) staegs! U met 'im once, no!
M Cavendish:	Y, yes! Yes, I did! P'raps he'll sa o hai 2da 2!
A Darrigade:	Non! C me wif V Lafay & teh snottyjumper, wot I pwned 2! Twice!
EO Aquitaine:	Ne-wa, teh rid0rz haz alredi doned 60 (sixty) km so I s'pose we orta hed 4 teh colemantary Sheds…
N Boulting:	O hai! O hai, ur Maj! 0 hav hapnd!
SD Millar:	WV Aert almoast doned a assault attack but it lookd liek a aksident.
N Boulting:	Wind?
SD Millar:	Nope!
C Evans:	Nyet!
N Boulting:	Fck, this iz dull! Even teh shitverts r MOAR intrestin'…
	[…]
D Friebe:	O hai, F Jakobsen!
F Jakobsen!:	O hai! Angri F Jakobsen iz angri! Stupid finish yesterda! Wot if WV Aert had doned a chute!
D Friebe:	O hai, C Ewan!
C Ewan:	O hai! Snoo @ F Jakobsen! I dint haz a promble. Wif it!
SD Millar:	Doan blaem F Jakobsen, me! He neerli got killed utterly 2 DETH inna sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! Look, see! A feeld full ov sola panls!
N Boulting:	U wanna kleen 'em? No, thort not hah hahahahahaha!
D Friebe:	O heh, A Yates!
A Yates:	yehezdayestadaer saevnrgyehstaoutovcarnijyeh erfanz0rzshoutminaemyeh er yeh
D Friebe:	Wot did he just sa?
N Boulting:	Mite A Yates retane teh shinyjumper thru teh Pair-ov-Knees?
C Evans:	Yes. Unless T Pogačar assault attack teh mntns. Then 'e won't!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Thare onli donin' 32 (thirty-two) km/h! Evn I cud done that!
Omnes:	4 a hundred yards, maybe LOL!
N Boulting:	I h8 u all!
C Evans:	Iz gonna b bonkas fast @ teh end thobut.
SD Millar:	Innit! Orl teh sprint0rz' tranez r gonna b fresh!
D Friebe:	O hai, F Wright!
F Wright:	O hai! I haz a bandij! [Indicates bandij] Hear! Iz 2 maek me look hard! Sili chute! I's a divvi divsta!
D Friebe:	Ez da yesterda?
F Wright:	4 sure! Will b 2da 2! Mota-racin' serkit finish! Shud b a larf!
N Boulting:	e's gud @ teh interviewz0rz! Not liek A Yates!
A Yates:	yeh
D Friebe:	O hai, S Welsford & ur mustash!
S Welsford:	O hai! We will c!
D Friebe:	O hai, B Girmay!
B Girmay:	O hai! Soopa happi! Big support! Yay!
SD Millar:	Look, see! A shat-oh! Wif remarkabl Treez!
C Evans:	Wow! Ta 4 that, Super D <s>!
N Boulting:	Soon iz come teh snottysprint! Temes gettin' organisated!
SD Millar:	V Lafay haz 0 chaenc 2 surviev! Yesterda hiz li'l sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE woz improvisd! Teme wudn't ov let 'im done it iffen 'e'd aksed!
V Lafay:	Bof!
N Boulting:	Kitteh &, moreover, mowse among teh sprint0rz tranez!
J Philipsen:	\o/
B Coquard:	Arse!
C Ewan:	Piss!
M Cavendish:	Gagh!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh Chapl ov Notre Dame des Cyclistes!
Omnes:	Looks liek a condemd garij! Or *** wif hiz shirt off!
Bethany (13):	Pass teh mind bleech
	[…]
M Rendell:	O hai! *** & Super D haz gon forajin so ur stuk wif me! Ne-wa, afta teh snottysprint 2 (two) rid0rz haz fckd off up teh rode, viz. B Cosnefroy & A Delaplace.
C Evans:	Gud tiem 2 done it, wile teh big boyz r nackad & not payin' atenshn!
TP Kennaugh:	Teh pelican ent bovvad. Will give 'em…
M Rendell:	Two (2) Frenchmen! Spekin'… FRENCH! No N Pooless! Bastides! Bilt bi KINGZ! Ov In-ger-lund!
EO Aquitaine:	Wotch it, sonni! Thass a bit ov a soar point!
M Rendell:	I, er, um… Look, see! M Pedersen's biek!
C Evans:	Cor! Bling! M "Bling" Matthews wud b ded jelus! Ov that!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Nosh zoan! Danja & xitemnt! Hevvi!
C Evans:	Orlwaze sent a mini0n 2 get mien! Afta I lernt evri Bad Swear in teh Eyetalyun langwij!
TP Kennaugh:	Ol'-skool! Hist. Tradishn!
Dokta Hutch:	Gagh! Dronez, u feckin' nobbas!
C Evans:	U gotta hoap teh handlz ov teh noesbagz ent 2 strong, coz spectidiots tri 2 taek 'em off ov u even iffen thare hangin' roun' ur nek!
M Rendell:	Wite liens on teh rode!
I Kilmister:	Wite line feeva!
EO Aquitaine:	I's inna gud mood 2da, Mr Lemmy, so I'll let u off. This tiem. U kno teh roolz!
I Kilmister:	Soz, ur Maj!
C Evans:	Sprint0rz r simpl creetchas! Get confuzd iffen teh wite liens ent paralell 2 teh barrios!
TP Kennaugh:	So duz I! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	A Delaplace! Pwned Paris-Camembert!
C Evans:	Duz u pwn cheez 2 go wif it?
M Rendell:	Yes. Yes, u duz! L Pichon haz pwned three (3) piggies ova teh yeres!
M Pingu:	Wot about gotes?
M Rendell:	It dunt sa ne-fing about gotes in teh bok!
M Pingu:	Huh!
C Evans:	T Pinot haz lots ov aminalz! I seed 'em on Netflox!
TP Kennaugh:	I c wot u doned thare!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Look, see! B Cosnefroy iz offrin' 2 done teh poast-raec interviewz0rz now, 2 saev tiem!
B Cosnefroy:	Roffle!
C Evans:	Ent that norti?
M Rendell:	No. No, it ent xept inna limited & specific wa! I got in2 trub once 4 it, thobut!
Radio TIP Tech:	Crrrrch… grrrrp… entranse 2 serkit ded naro… prrrrrg… nede 2 bi a tiket 2!
TP Kennaugh:	Ooh, that'll b phun!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaaaaack! Did u bhaev wile we woz out?
Omnes:
N Boulting:	I xpekt B Cosnefroy 2 done a assault attack soon, 4 teh combativité! Unless A Delaplace duz 1 1st!
SD Millar:	Look, see! A abbaye!
Omnes:
SD Millar:	Filistines!
N Boulting:	WV Aert!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	MWVD Aepoerlt!
Radio T Ineo$:	Maek shure u et orl ur din-dins or u ent gettin' ne puddin'!
N Boulting:	Temes doan get ne sa in wot radio Stuffs gets put on teh telly!
SD Millar:	They duz get €5000 thobut! Ker-CHINNNG!
N Boulting:	I miss mi xtra cash from teh maires ov France! Le sigh! Look, see! A spottychikn!
Omnes:
SD Millar:	A Darrigade! Luvli chap! Took me 2 lunch once!
Omnes:	TANSTAAFL!
SD Millar:	U horble sinix! 'e's a proppa jent!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd!
Bethany (13):	Thare's a serten familiariti about that fraze!
N Boulting:	Wot did u xpekt? M Cavendish 2 lornch a surpries assault attack wif thirty (30) km 2 go? Look, see! Teh Nogaro serkit! Looks a bit teknikl! Iz it, Super D?
SD Millar:	No. No, it iz not. Tho thare mite b Wind!
LL Sanchez (93):	Onoz! Mi chane!
Omnes:	Snek! Snek!
N Boulting:	Look, see! V Campanile! 'e dunt ware sunglassiz!
Omnes:
Radio TEFE Post:	0 assault attack unless teh brake gets cort! Spottypoints!
N Boulting:	Moustiques! Er, mousquetaires!
A Delaplace:	\o/ Spottypwn! Shud we pak it in now?
B Cosnefroy:	Yeah, orlrite.
N Boulting:	Look, see! MVD Poel pedallin' wif 1 (one) leg!
Omnes:	Stork! Stork! Look, ***!
N Boulting:	Fck! Off!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd. Agane. & iz still not hapnin' chiz.
SD Millar:	Temes economizin' & savin' nrg.
N Boulting:	M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	Ssssssssh!
SD Millar:	M Cavendish! Relaxed!
N Boulting:	Yes. Relaxed! Look, see! Q Simian! Iz teh 4th ov July 2da! Orl da!
Q Simmons:	O hai! C'n u pla sum M Haggard 4 mi dog Tige?
N Boulting:	[Sings] I's prou' 2 b a Okie from Muskogeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Q Simmons:	On 2nd thorts… I'll taek teh wite litenin' insted!
N Boulting:	Filistine! Look, see! CP Sagan!
CP Sagan:	No Crazy™ 2da! Soz!
N Boulting:	Ten (10) km 2 go! Presha! Tenshn! O mi! Iz gonna b EPIK!
SD Millar:	Windin' it up! Look, see! Sum sili buggas from TDSM Firmenich goned teh rong wa! Orl that wurk 4 0! LOL?
N Boulting:	Now `T AS-TA-NA` goned teh rong wa, onna roundabout!
SD Millar:	Sili sods! K-os!
N Boulting:	3 (three) km! On2 teh serkit! No sine ov WV Aert!
J Vingegaard:	Ware TF r u, WV Aert? I's donin' this 4 u!
N Boulting:	Chute! F Jakobsen!
SD Millar:	WV Aert from noware! M Cavendish on hiz weel!
N Boulting:	Chute! M Cavendish! Anuvva chute!
J Philipsen:	\o/ w00t! Go me!
C Ewan:	Fckles!
P Bauhaus:	Bumgrapes!
M Cavendish:	P5 this tiem! Progress!
SD Millar:	I's confuzzld! This wiz s'posd 2 b teh saef sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE
	[…]
G Imlach:	So, iz big help 2 haz MVD Poel az a lede-out!
J Philipsen:	Cloes finish! C Ewan! Soopa happi they confim result kwik! EZ da! MVD Poel! Full gas! Tias! Thare is still a long wa 2 go! We will tri 2 defend teh snottyjumper. 4 sure!
C Evans:	Serkit look big on teh telly but ent! Not surpriesd thare woz chutes!
TP Kennaugh:	Cornas ded fast!
M Cavendish:	Meh! Dint kwite wurk proppa-liek! K-os! Wind! Orl M Pedersen's folt! 'e nevvah went 4 it!
D Friebe:	U went teh rong wa onna roundabo…
M Cavendish:	Woz planned! 3 (three) sprint Sprint SPRINTEEEs 2 go! Limoges 2 hili! Next 1 iz Bor-doh!
G Imlach:	M Cavendish! Doned so mani interviewz0rz he kno when 2 <<<BEEP>>> hisself!
N Boulting:	MVD Poel!
SD Millar:	MVD Poel!
5's Mummy:	Jolly well done, young Mathieu! Though I'd be obliged if you would let Mr Cavendish win just one!
A Yates:	yehkwietdaer yehtpogačarmntns yehtiemboneficashnser yeh

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #15 on:** 05 July, 2023, 05:05:35 pm »

Stage 5: Pau -> Laruns

(click to show/hide)

EO Aquitaine:	O hai & welcome 2 da 5 (five) ov teh Tour ov Aquitaine plus a few otha inconsekwenshl bits ov teh France! 2da we startz teh onli proppa mntns in teh raec…
TP Kennaugh:	Thare's teh Alpses 2! & teh Sentral Massiv & teh Jury & teh Voje(sp)!
EO Aquitaine:	Silense wen u speke 2 me, u skwit! Them doan count coz thare 2 FOREIGN. Well, teh Massif Sentral ent, but 'snot v. impresiv compard wif teh Pair-ov-Knees!
C Evans:	Eeeep! Teh goasti!
Bethany (13):	U gr8 ponse! Wot we got 2da? I haz a mappe! [Indicates map] Look, see! Teh Horse Cat Col de Soudet, teh 3rd Kitteh Col d'Ischère & teh 1st Kitteh Marry-Blonk, wot haz tiem bonerfications. On it.
EO Aquitaine:	So's we c'n xpekt T Pogačar to assault attack teh latta, unless thare's alredi a breakfroupthing hoovrin' up teh bonerfications like, er, um…
Bethany (13):	…Slithy Gove onna nite out?
EO Aquitaine:	Iz he teh 1 wot look liek a startld hadock?
Bethany (13):	Thass 'im! Wnkr!
EO Aquitaine:	Sho' iz! Teh snottysprint iz a poultry, er, paltri 49 leegs in so teh sprint0rz haz sumfink 2 do otha'n cri 4 thare mummy when teh mntns begin! S'pose we orta hed 4 teh colemantary…
G Imlach:	Er, we orta menshn teh rid0rz wot haz had 2 gone hoam afta teh "saef" sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE yesterda, ur Maj! J Guarnieri & LL Sanchez (93)! Teh latta iz a Bad Fing 4 M Cavendish & teh 4ma 4 C Ewan.
M Cavendish:	Sssssssh!
EO Aquitaine:	Oh. Yeh. Hard cheez, u 2 roffle! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
Bethany (13):	U sounded jus' liek TV's Evil C Boardman thare, ur Maj!
EO Aquitaine:	Sumwun's got 2!
LL Sanchez (93):	@ leest we ent fa from teh Spaign-o! Taxi!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai & ta 2 Her Maj Kwene EO Aquitaine 4 teh brillstix intro!
SD Millar:	Crawla!
G Imlach:	Pore crash-damijd F Jakobsen dropt afta onli fourteen (14) km! Bigly hyooge breakfroupfing off ov teh front inc. WV Aert & J Hindley. WV Aert & V Campanile goned awa afta teh snottysprint, wot woz pwned bi B Coquard. Biek chaeng 4 T Pogačar. M Cavendish dropt. Now u kno az much az we duz!
N Boulting:	We sent, no, not D Friebe!
S Piquet:	O hai, T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	O hai! Crazy!
S Piquet:	Wot u rememba ov pwning teh staeg in Laruns in 2020?
T Pogačar:	Woz crazy! We's orl a bit crazy hear!
CP Sagan:	Oi! I iz teh onli purveya ov Crazy™ 'roun' hear! U wate until I's retierd, u ickl oik? Crazy? U doan kno teh menein' ov teh wurd "Crazy"!
N Boulting:	Teh leed0rz haz about 3' minits ova teh pelican wile WV Aert & J Campanile haz 30" seconds ova teh breakfroupfing! I think. We sent sum random…
Random:	O hai, J Hindley!
J Hindley:	O hai! Goin' OK so fa!
Random:	U scairt ov teh mntns?
J Hindley:	No. Y wud I b? I pwned teh Giro ov Italy, u prawn! Will b xitin'! We will c!
Random:	Now I kno y TV's D Friebe hav throne a sicki!
N Boulting:	Dreme brake 4 J Hindley!
SD Millar:	Sho' iz! He hav P Konrad 2 help 2! Menewile teh sprint0rz r bein' shat out ov teh fethery arse ov teh pelican!
N Boulting:	We ect.
D Friebe [staging miraculous recovery]:	O hai, N Pooless!
N Powless:	O hai! 4 sure I will tri 2 b in teh brake 2da! I hart teh spottyjumper! Mi preshusssssssss!
N Boulting:	N Pooless dint get in teh breakfroupfing thobut, so will probli loose teh spottyjumper! @ teh otha end ov teh raec V Lafay hav bin dropt 2!
C Evans:	C'n I menshn J Hindley? He's from Captin Cook'z Mistaek, liek me!
Omnes:	Doan u start! Tiny P iz bad enuff!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Q Simian! He doned a chute erlia! Teh dokta gived him teh konkushn test!
Teh Dokta:	How mani fingas iz I holdin' up?
Q Simmons:	Lots! I sure duz miss mah pickup truck!
Teh Dokta:	He's fien!
N Boulting:	G Ciccone! He cud pwn this!
G Ciccone:	I's a Beautiful Killer!
Omnes:	Now look wot u doned!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap MOAR lusers haz bin dropt & WV Aert iz still draggin' V Campanile up teh mntn!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates pla a watin' gaem! VS Laengen! F Großschartner!
C Evans:	Teh otha da WV Aert contest mass sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE; 2 da 'e's pwning teh mntns & teh hole raec!
N Boulting:	Oh, WV Aert & V Campanile haz bin cort! G Ciccone doned teh damij!
G Ciccone:	Well, I did Promise To Try!
N Boulting:	J Hindley & E Buchmann r in teh breakfroupfing, wot haz splat gud an' proppa!
C Evans:	C mi cuntriman J Hindley doin' 0 wurk! Kepe it up, lad!
N Boulting:	Look, see! F Gall assault attack! Teh 4ma breakfroupfing iz splat orl ova teh mntn!
F Gall:	\o/ Spottypwn! Did I jus' c a spectidiot dresst az D Maradona?
D Martinez:	P2! Hav sum Spanish Lessons!
G Ciccone:	Huh! You'll See! I's a Unapologetic Bitch!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing iz comin' bak 2getha on teh descant!
ML Maire:	Gud! Teh laem Madonna gagz r hard wurk! Y can't it b G Zimmermann? B Dylan haz phar MOAR songz!
C Evans:	20 (twenty) km ov valli rode b4 teh nex' clime! Nede horseypowwa & fierpowwa 2 sta awa!
Bethany (13):	Iz mi Da… R Urán in teh breakfroupfing?
SD Millar:	Y, yes! Yes, he iz!
Bethany (13):	w00t! [Unleashes illegal dancing]
N Boulting:	Teh breakfroupfing iz still ganin' ova teh pelican! 4' minits!
SD Millar:	E Buchmann maek teh paec!
E Buchmann's Mutti:	Emanuel! Wo bist du? Hilf mir, die Wäsche aufzuhängen!
	[…]
M Rendell:	O bontag! Mi blong sieg heil! Still 4' minits!
TP Kennaugh:	TUAE Emirates stikin' 2 thare plan! Kepe mntn gote R Majka 4 teh Marry-Blonk, wot iz horble!
C Evans:	Iffen teh gap reech 6' minits thare gonna b in trub thobut!
M Rendell:	E `[“Poisonous term” – Ed.]`es! Kepe hiz hyperbole inna bank vault until l8r in teh staeg! K Neilands assault attack!
TP Kennaugh:	TJ Visma stikin' 2 thare plan! Maek shure T Pogačar dunt get teh bonerfications! They haz T Ben00t in teh breakfroupfing 2!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap K Neilands hav 30" seconds & iz neerli @ teh botom ov teh Col d'Ischère!
C Evans:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe assault attack!
J Alaphilippe:	RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR!!1!
M Rendell:	This breakfroupfing iz a mess! Kepes splattin' & re4min'!
WV Aert:	Iffen J Alaphilippe iz tryin' it on I's goin' wif 'im! [Grams: WHOOOOOSH!]
M Rendell:	How much Cloo duz teh rid0rz got? No mirr0rz or droan shotz 2 c wot's hapnin'!
C Evans:	Instink! Osmosis! Telepafi!
TP Kennaugh:	Teh best layed planz0rz ov meeces…
M Kitteh [via KittehNet]:	I h8 meeces 2 peeces! I liek fish thobut!
C Evans:	Wot TF woz that?
M Rendell:	Doan wurri about M Kitteh! 'e's jus' havin' trub adaptin' 2 retiermnt!
M Kitteh [via KittehNet]:	Miaow!
C Evans:	This plaec iz a madhowse! Get mi ajent on teh fone!
M Rendell:	K Neilands now hav 15" seconds ova WV Aert & J Alaphilippe wif teh rest of teh breakfroupfing @ 40" seconds & teh pelican @ 3.5' minits!
C Evans:	WV Aert! 'e's a monsta! A hangri monst…
B Dickinson:	COWBELL! w00t!
M Rendell:	E Bernal got fiend 4 droppin' litta yesterda!
C Evans:	Good!
TP Kennaugh:	Dint orta appli 2 ~~bidets~~ bidons! Thare gud sooveneers!
M Rendell:	Holi relix but also useful! U c'n put… WATER in them!
K Neilands:	\o/ Spottypwn!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaaaaack! Well, I am! Super D iz lookin' 4 teh indigeshn tablits!
SD Millar:	BUUURRRRRRRP! Oooh, thass betta!
Bethany (13):
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap K Neilands cort bi J Alaphilippe & WV Aert! Teh rest ov teh breakfroupfing iz 20" seconds bak.
SD Millar:	Teh pelican will b goin' flat out liek hell maximum assault attack, becoz J Hindley!
N Boulting:	WV Aert!
SD Millar:	WV Aert!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	WV Aert!
Bethany (13):
	[On teh Col de Marie Blanque]
N Boulting:	Teh Marry-Blonk!
SD Millar:	Iz horble! V stepe @ teh top! Horble! H8s it!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Bjerg hav xploded in teh pelican!
SD Millar:	Txtbok Stuffs from TUAE Emirates! M Soler taek ova! Unda 3' minits!
N Boulting:	O Fraile drag teh breakfroupfing cloesr 2 teh 3 (three) lead0rz! WV Aert & T Ben00t wate 4 J Vingegaard?
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap M Soler hav xploded, WV Aert hav dropt bak 1/2 wa 2 teh mitey beek ov teh pelican, J Alaphilippe & T Ben00t chaes… F Gall & J Hindley!!1!
SD Millar:	Wowsa!
G Ciccone:	I'm Hung Up! Do sum werk, E Buchmann!
E Buchmann:	Ur jokin'! J Hindley iz mi teme-maet!
N Boulting:	F Großschartner hav xploded in teh pelican! R Majka taek ova!
R Majka:	Bluddi amateurs! I's gonna sho u wnkrs how teh chaes iz doned!
WV Aert:	1 MOAR push! [Xplodes]
J Hindley:	Rite, I's off! Bai, F Gall!
F Gall:	Piss!
N Boulting:	Teh pelican iz totes xploded! Teh Yates bruvs!
SD Millar:	TJ Visma! S Kuss lede J Vingegaard! Onli T Pogačar sta wif 'em!
N Boulting:	J Hindley will get teh bonerfications! J Vingegaard & T Pogačar still 2' minits bhind! Oh! J Vingegaard assault attack! T Pogačar in trub!
SD Millar:	J Hindley orta still pwn teh staeg thobut!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar iz fuXX0rd! Look, see!
J Hindley:	\o/ Spottypwn & bonerfications 2!
F Gall:	P2 & teh spottyjumper!
J Vingegaard:	Onli 1' minit bhind now! Roffle!
Omnes:	No shitverts or u DIE!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard nede 2 put az much tiem az poss. in2 T Pogačar!
N Boulting:	Look see! J Vingegaard hav cort E Buchmann & G Ciccone!
G Ciccone:	Woz orlwaze Borderline!
Omnes:	Get! Out!
E Buchmann:	I ent helpin', in caes mi Mutti c me!
N Boulting:	Staeg bonerfications!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard ent gonna get ne! Ov 'em! 'e'll b outsprant!
F Gall:	Onoz! Cort, liek a Treen inna, er, Inescapable Trap Ov Doom!
Omnes:	Dint M Hirschi haz teh big lede off ov teh Marry-Blonk that tiem?
J Hindley:	Sssssssssh!
SD Millar:	Look, see! G Ciccone ent wurkin'!
G Ciccone:	I Don't Give A!
E Buchmann:	I's savin' mi nrg 4 teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE, & 2 hied from mi Mutti!
SD Millar:	Look, see! T Pogačar cort bi A Yates!
A Yates:	yeh
SD Millar:	Gap ent comin' down no MOAR! Look, see! J Vingegaard suffrin'!
J Vingegaard:	Owwwwww! I h8 this!
J Hindley:	\o/ Fck yeah!
G Ciccone:	P2! Well, I did Promise To Try!
F Gall:	P3! No bonerfications 4 u, J Vingegaard!
J Vingegaard:	Piss!
N Boulting:	J Vingegaard got a minit ova T Pogačar!
SD Millar:	TJ Visma pland that! But they 4got 2 wotch J Hindley! Teh silis!
	[…]
EO Aquitaine:	That woz phun! U wudn't get that in ne otha mntns!
G Imlach:	So J Hindley pwns teh shinyjumper, J Vingegaard 2nd & G Ciccone 3rd. T Pogačar down 2 6th!
J Hindley:	Not planned! Unbleevabl! Improviesd! Njoid it! Incredibl! 0 wurdz! Shinyjumper! Kewl!
Omnes:	Not "soopa", J Hindley? Standirds r slipin'!
C Evans:	Yay! w00tissimo! Hurrah 4 Oz!
G Imlach:	How did J Hindley sneke in2 teh brake?
TP Kennaugh:	TJ Visma & TUAE Emirates 2 bizi wotchin' eech uvva!
G Imlach:	& J Vingegaard!
TP Kennaugh:	J Vingegaard gud @ teh sustaned effut! T Pogačar sneke assault attax wurk sumtiems but not 2da!
	[…]
G Imlach:	2 teh podiumz!
N Boulting:	J Hindley! Sets targitz & hitz 'em!
SD Millar:	Spanna in 2 TJ Visma wurx but teh weelz caem off ov TUAE Emirates 2da! LOL!
D Friebe:	O hai, J Vingegaard! How much u think about J Hindley 2da?
J Vingegaard:	Yes. Soopa gud da!
EO Aquitaine:	MOAR ov mi mntns 2moz! Inc. teh Mitey Tourmalet & a sumit finish 2! B thare or suffa horbli!

Beardy · « **Reply #16 on:** 05 July, 2023, 06:59:17 pm »

These reports are more difficult to read than Feersum Endjinn to dyslexic hed branes like mine.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #17 on:** 06 July, 2023, 05:10:56 pm »

Stage 6: Tarbes -> Cauteret-Cambasque

(click to show/hide)

EO Aquitaine:	So afta a absolutli snot-rippin' da in mi manor yesterda, 2da we haz MOAR ov teh saem! G Imlach, I's inna gud mood so I lets u dun teh intro!
G Imlach:	I, er, um, yeh, shud b az much phun az a nite ov comedi wif me, TV's G Imlach & mi batri ov joaks, jaeps, punz & jenral LOLsumness! 3rd Kitteh clime ov teh Côte de Capvern-les-Bains iz afta onli 30 (thirty) km so we ent gonna c that! Nor teh snottysprint @ fifty (50) km! Mite just get 2 c teh 1st Kitteh Col d'Aspirin, dependin' on breakfroupfings, fazes ov teh moon & WV Aert. Jus' ova a hundrid km iz teh Horse Kitteh Col du Tourmalet, a bigly hyooge descant & teh long drag 2 teh fin, wot iz anuvva 1st Kitteh clime! Ne-thing c'n hapn tho I xpekt TJ Visma & TUAE Emirates ent gonna taek thare eyes off ov teh ball agane & let a danja man liek J Hindley get awa wif two (2) strong teme-maets!
Bethany (13):	Evn bi teh standirds ov T Moviestar that woz a craptacular mistaek!
T Moviestar's AI:	`+++ ¡NO MOVIESTAR AI HA COMETIDO NUNCA UN ERROR! ¡POR DEFINICIÓN, SOMOS INCAPAZES DE ERRORES! +++`
Bethany (13):	Kepe tellin' urself that, pal! Roffle!
TP Kennaugh:	TJ Visma thort they woz covvad, coz they had T Ben00t & WV Aert in teh breakfroupfing 2!
C Evans:	& TUAE Emirates thort 1. they had enuff fierpowwa 2 control it, & iii) T Pogačar wud not xplode!
Bethany (13):	Iffen we's lucki they ent lernt thare leson & mi Da…R Urán c'n surpries evribode!
TP Kennaugh:	Thass onli a bit MOAR likeli'n me pwning teh stae… er, no offens!
Bethany (13):	Offens takn! U betta slepe wif teh lites on 4 teh rest ov teh raec, Tiny P!
C Evans:	Duz this sort ov fing hapn a lot?
G Imlach:	Yes. Yes, it duz. 1st lesson ov P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz™^® iz "Doan do nuffink 2 maek Bethany (13) angri"!
C Evans:	I betta rite that down!
G Imlach:	Ur Da… R Urán woz in teh saem froup az WV Aert yesterda, Bethany (13). MOAR'n 8 (eight) minits bhind J Hindley. Er, soz 4 ur loss…
Omnes:	Thorts & prairs!
Bethany (13):	Fck! Off! [Exit @ teh Stomp]
C Evans:	C'n u done a proppa flounce dresst liek that?
Bethany's Mum:	Peedo! Doan u oggle mi dorter's bum, u dirti fckr!
Omnes:	Betta lissen, C Evans! U herd wot she doned 2 Miki Mowse that tiem?
C Evans:	I nevvah! Iffen this plaec dunt go normal soon I's goin' hoam!
Omnes:	U liev in Schnibbleland!
C Evans:	Oh. Yeh. Bugarup!
EO Aquitaine:	No-1 else haz goned hoam erli thobut, so 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! We haz a brake! It haz 1. MOAR'n 3' minits & iii) WV Aert, MVD Poel, J Alaphilippe & N Pooless. In it. Sprint0rz r bein' dropt! WV Aert!
SD Millar:	WV Aert 4ce teh paec, maek teh otha temes suffa! Iz teh Plan!
N Boulting:	Teh 1st ickl clime woz pwned bi N Pooless & teh snottysprint bi B Coquard! Amaezballs!
SD Millar:	WV Aert xplodin' teh brake! Look, see! Tictacs! TJ Visma wunt teh shinyjumper!
N Boulting:	P'raps WV Aert iz plain' a watin' gaem, inna Crool & Unushul wa?
SD Millar:	WV Aert goin' faster'n teh pelican!
N Boulting:	F Gall & hiz spottyjumper ent in teh brake but N Pooless, er, iz!
F Gall:	Well, teh spottyjumper yesterda woz jus' a happi aksident!
N Powless:	\o/ C me pwn teh Col d'Aspirin & teh spottyjumper 2!
N Boulting:	I predikt TJ Visma r gonna xplode teh hole raec! Agane.
	[…]
N Boulting:	Eeeuuurgh! Laek! Maek it stop!
Bethany (13):	Slimey fings, ***! Wif TEEFS! Big pointi teefs! J Wade!
N Boulting:	Fck! Off! We ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, J Hindley!
J Hindley:	O hai! Ovawelmin'! Lost 4 wurdz! Shinyjumper! Wot a feelin'!
N Boulting:	C Evans, u had teh shinyjumper wile bein' from Captin Cook'z Mistaek!?!
C Evans:	I sort ov pwned it bi aksident! But it woz teh toy lion wot I reeli wunted!
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert & MVD Poel driev teh brake so hard they's ganed anuvva minit!
J Vingegaard:	Soopa happi! 2 da iz anuvva day! Hard 2 predict! Taek a minit off ov T Pogačar iz soopa gud! J Hindley? 4 sure! We will c!
T Pogačar:	Let us wate & c!
Radio TEFE Post [no longer sounding like a Dalek]:	Kepe carm & carri on!
N Powless:	Gee, thanx, d00d! Aside: Idiot!
	[On teh Col du Tourmalet]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap assault attack bi J Alaphilippe!
J Alaphilippe:	RAAAAAAWWWWWR!
SD Millar:	J Shaw, wot iz teh teme-maet ov N Pooless, go wif 'im, pureli 2 annoy!
C Evans:	Iz wurkin' 2! Look, see! Angri J Alaphilippe iz angri!
J Alaphilippe:	RAA…oh, fck it! CBA!
WV Aert:	LOL @ J Alaphilippe! Y u do that? Wunt 2 c teh birbs?
D Friebe:	O hai, BO Connor!
BO Connor:	O hai! Betta yesterda! TUAE Emirates fckd up ha ha! I rekn J Hindley c'n kepe teh shinyjumper until teh Puy de Doem. Fanci a BEER?
N Boulting:	TJ Visma repete teh tictacs ov yesterda!
TJ Visma:	Doan nok it; it wurkd LOL!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap TJ Visma r xplodin' teh pelican agane! C Laporte hav doned hiz bit.
TP Kennaugh:	No ideer y WV Aert iz tryin' so hard, thobut. 'e ent gonna b much use bi teh tiem teh rest ov teh teme catch up
SD Millar:	e's WV Aert, & u kno wot theez Beljiun hedbang0rz iz liek!
TD Gendt [via NutMail]:	Oi! Thare woz no madness in mi methods!
Omnes:	We. Dint. C. Ne. Method. @. Orl!
TD Gendt [via NutMail]:	I h8 u all!
Pingu:	Ou sont les vautours?
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Ben00t hav xploded & he ent even bin @ teh front yet!
T Ben00t:	I h8 this!
TP Kennaugh:	Look, see! T Pogačar & J Hindley! Thare… TORKIN'!
N Boulting:	Mite T Pogačar b recrootin' a alli?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe. Look, see! M. Le President!
M Macrobe:	O hai! Plz 2 not set me on fier!
TP Kennaugh:	Thare in La Mongie! Afta thare they c'n visually c teh top!
Omnes:	Az oppoesd 2 aurally c it?
TP Kennaugh:	I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Hindley hav run out ov domestics! Also, iz N Pooless in trub? J Hindley iz in trub! Yoicks!
J Hindley:	Bugarup!
SD Millar:	Look, see! Onli S Kuss, J Vingegaard & T Pogačar left! Saem az yesterda!
N Boulting:	N Pooless hav xploded! Look, see!
N Pooless:	Fckles!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard orta assault attack now!
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. Yes, 'e shud! 'e's still got WV Aert up teh rode & no-1 bhind!
J Vingegaard:	OK, S Kuss, I taeks it from 'ere!
T Pogačar:	Not so fast, J Vingegaard! I got ur numba 2da!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar not donin' ne wurk! Will b stronga 4 teh finle clime!
TP Kennaugh:	Iffen 'e dunt xplode, obv.
N Boulting:	Indede, mi sawn-off droogie!
R Guerreiro:	Outta mi wa, Nogweegie scum! [Applies elbow]
T Johannessen:	Oi! Wnkr! \o/ Spottypwn ne-wa! LOL @ u, Pork'n'Cheez silibollox!
TP Kennaugh:	Naaah! Orl leegl & aboev bord!
SD Millar:	Wowsa! J Vingegaard iz onli 45" seconds bhind teh lead0rz & MOAR'n 2.5' minits ahed ov J Hindley?
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Vingegaard & T Pogačar hav cort WV Aert & N Pooless & r 25" seconds bhind teh lead0rz!
SD Millar:	Goin' accordin' 2 plan 4 TJ Visma!
TP Kennaugh:	I doan unnerstan' thare plan! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
SD Millar:	They thort T Pogačar wud xplode agane, but 'e dint? Ne-wa, teh finle clime iz moastli harmless until it ent! Horble @ teh top!
TP Kennaugh:	So iz that gud 4 J Vingegaard? Or 4 T Pogačar? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
SD Millar:	Teh sensibl fing 4 T Pogačar wud be 2 bied hiz tiem then outsprint Sprint SPRINTEEE J Vingegaard on teh lien! Promble iz: T Pogačar dunt do sensibl!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Vingegaard et cie hav cort teh lead0rz & took a wile 2 get organisated so teh pelican iz onli 2' minits bhind.
SD Millar:	Iz bizniz az ushul now, thobut, coz WV Aert iz donin' it agane.
N Boulting:	K-os in teh pelican coz onli E Buchmann donin' ne wurk!
E Buchmann's Mutti:	Emanuel? Was machst du? Du hast gesagt, du würdest für mich zur Post gehen!
E Buchmann:	Arsch!
N Boulting:	We's gonna get teh last set ov shitverts outta teh wa now…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Neerli @ teh botom ov teh clime! WV Aert!
SD Millar:	Not 'ard clime @ 1st! WV Aert not tryin' hard but teh pelican haz lost MOAR tiem!
N Boulting:	WV Aert gonna havter do this on hiz tod! No-1 else gonna tri jus' 2 get smasht bi J Vingegaard when 'e feel liek it!
SD Millar:	WV Aert! No mersey! Er, mercy! Riski tictacs 4 J Vingegaard coz T Pogačar ent xploded 2da!
N Boulting:	Is G Ciccone in teh shinyfroup?
G Ciccone:	No. No, I iz not. Iz The Power Of Goodbye
ML Maire:	Gud. I h8 serchin' lists ov Madonna songz!
G Ciccone:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	WV Aert!
SD Millar:	WV Aert!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	WV Aert!
Bethany (13):	Yeah yeh, we get teh msg…
N Boulting:	Let us menshn J Shaw! J Shaw! Not long ago 'e wuz ridin' critz. In Motherwell. Bit ov a chaeng!
SD Millar:	E Buchmann!
E Buchmann:	Shut! Up! Mi Mutti's gonna kill me!
E Buchmann's Mutti:	Emanuel? Bist du schon wieder mit deinem albernen Fahrrad unterwegs?
N Boulting:	Look, see! N Pooless iz in trub! Tho 'e's still gonna get teh spottyjumper bak!
N Pooless:	I h8 this! C'n I stop now?
N Boulting:	M Skjelmose dropt bi teh shinyfroup! TL Trek lost bofe thare Gee-See contend0rz!
Omnes:	Look, see! WV Aert haz bullmøøse handlbarz! Teh 1980s r on teh fone, WV Aert!
WV Aert:	Fck! Off!
SD Millar:	Gettin' 2 teh stepe bit now! WV Aert flat out liek hell! N Pooless hav defiantli xploded!
J Vingegaard:	Ta, WV Aert! I's got it from hear!
T Pogačar:	Not so fast, J Vingegaard! I got ur numba 2da!
M Kwiatkowski:	& so haz I LOL!
J Vingegaard:	Haz a go iffen u think ur hard enuff!
M Kwiatkowski:	OK, u pwn. This tiem…
J Vingegaard:	This ent rite T Pogačar ent assault attacked or xploded!
T Pogačar:	I ate'nt D-E-D! Now wotch this, u wnkrs! [GRAMS: WHOOOOOOSH]
J Vingegaard:	WTF?
SD Millar:	Hard bit ov teh clime ova! T Pogačar zoom zoom!
T Pogačar:	\o/ Rite me off @ ur peril, puni humanz! Roffle!
J Vingegaard:	Piss!
N Boulting:	Cycling! Bluddi 'ell!
T Johannessen:	P3. w00t!
	[…]
EO Aquitaine:	C! Thass wot u get wif mi mntns! Yay 4 Aquitaine!
Pingu:	No vautours! Money back!
G Imlach:	J Vingegaard mite ov preferd 2 sta bhind J Hindley 4 a bit insted ov that!
EC Boardman [via GimpNet]:	Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
Omnes:	Crivvens! R Bardet 10th on teh staeg! No chimniz on teh parcours 2da?
R Bardet:	I h8 u all!
G Imlach:	Planz0rz!
C Evans:	Orl wurkd proppa until it dint!
G Imlach:	TUAE Emirates sed T Pogačar wuz a nü rid0r this yere! Tictacli awaer && c.
TP Kennaugh:	Niec 2 c teh loonspud ov ol' ent bin totes killed 2 DETH thobut! LOL!
M Rendell:	O hai, J Shaw!
J Shaw:	O hai! Not 2 bad, eh! Staeg huntin'! Nackad, mind!
	[…]
Omnes:	Thare! Vautour! Or sum kinda birb ov pray! In teh Nissan shitvert!
Pingu:	CGI!
G Imlach:	So J Vingegaard haz teh shinyjumper but onli bi 25" seconds from T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	Not revenj, honniss! Feel betta! Wurried yesterda 4 sure! Also on teh Tourmalet! Big releef! 10 staeg pwns now! I's comin' 4 u, M Cavendish roffle! Iz 4 mi grilf! She crasht out ov teh Giro 4 Wimminz yesterda! Who r u?
M Macrobe:	Je suis le M le President de France, dolt!
T Pogačar:	Iz that ware we iz then LOL?
M Rendell:	O hai, T Pidcock!
T Pidcock:	O hai! Tourmalisé! Onli evvah drivn up it b4. Thass ez-er! Ried 4 C Rodriguez! Dint tri 2 hard on teh descant!
G Imlach:	2moz iz Bor-doh! Ded flat staeg! Last tiem we wuz thare wuz 2010 & M Cavendish pwned it…
M Cavendish:	Ssssssssh!

spesh · « **Reply #18 on:** 06 July, 2023, 06:00:16 pm »

EC Boardman isn't related to the Sickos man from a Stan kelly cartoon for The Onion, perchance?

https://www.theonion.com/painful-procedural-1819592076

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/sickos-haha-yes

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #19 on:** 06 July, 2023, 06:20:35 pm »

Never heard of 'em, but I feel a bit of rest day activity coming on

Decided not to wait:

Evil C Boardman by Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Pingu · « **Reply #20 on:** 06 July, 2023, 10:51:04 pm »

My abiding memory of Col d'Aspirin is Woollypigs shouting "I've been overtaken by a granny!"

Mind you, he was ahead of Mrs P and me

Kim · « **Reply #21 on:** 06 July, 2023, 10:58:56 pm »

Quote from: Beardy on 05 July, 2023, 06:59:17 pm

These reports are more difficult to read than Feersum Endjinn to dyslexic hed branes like mine.

Still more interesting than watching cycle racing thobut.

cygnet · « **Reply #22 on:** 06 July, 2023, 11:37:26 pm »

Quote from: Beardy on 05 July, 2023, 06:59:17 pm

These reports are more difficult to read than Feersum Endjinn to dyslexic hed branes like mine.

I find/found it easier to read in globs of maybe 3days at once. This is of no use if you want to follow actual race progress, but there's another thread for that. (I'm only really her for the vautours, and the CBoardmen 😉)
and cos Bethany [13] might beat me up

Much like Feersum Injun and also many Irving Welsh novels, I find a need to embed my brane into the linguistics, so it's not conducive to dipping in.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #23 on:** 07 July, 2023, 12:55:30 am »

And sadly we are lacking in both vautours and Boardmen thus far. C Evans has left after today’s stage, but probably not because of Eleanor of Aquitaine or Bethany’s Mum. Dunno whether they've got a willing replacement lined up, or kidnapped Dan Martin's children again.

cycleman · « **Reply #24 on:** 07 July, 2023, 07:34:36 am »

Opening a bigger slot for bethany 13 to fill