more insane management speak phrases

[Sergeant Pluck]

Minimum Viable Product isn't necessarily​ 'the shittiest available thing that will do' though, is it? Sometimes it's 'the most basic feature set that will do the job, and so can be made actually reliable, as opposed to the buggy feature-bloated monsters we usually end up with once everyone has stuck their oar in and demanded their favourite hobby-horses'...

Agree that the principles behind it are sound. It's just the terminology, the choice of words, that grates on me a little but it is indeed brutally honest. I suppose my reaction is influenced by my observations on how the "minimum viable product" approach is implemented (inconsistently) in my place of toil.

[hatler]

I have a delivery coming from UKMail andI'm tracking it online.
The stages in this parcel's delivery to me include 'Collected' (from supplier), 'In transit' and 'Delivered'. But what do you think the missing second status is in that sequence ?

Aaaaagggghhhhh.

'At sortation facility'

[Ham]

Some interesting ideation and flipped learning:

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/nov/23/from-inboxing-to-thought-showers-how-business-bullshit-took-over

[Guy]

Some interesting ideation and flipped learning:

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/nov/23/from-inboxing-to-thought-showers-how-business-bullshit-took-over

Don't knock the bullshit. We've got a Tidy-Haired Thought Leader who relies on that for his job

[ian]

I have two cats to feed and vestigial pride.

[JennyB]

I have a delivery coming from UKMail andI'm tracking it online.
The stages in this parcel's delivery to me include 'Collected' (from supplier), 'In transit' and 'Delivered'. But what do you think the missing second status is in that sequence ?

Aaaaagggghhhhh.

'At sortation facility'

They're drawing lots to see if it gets delivered?

[Tim Hall]

I have two cats to feed and vestigial pride.

Is "vestigial pride" another way of saying "not many lions"?

[mrcharly-YHT]

<context: entire company is producing detailed plans for year ahead, that are being combined into company annual operating plan>
I ask <senior director> "Have you made plans for <task x>?"

"No. Person Y <who has left company> normally does <task x>"

"Have you put <task x> into your plan"

"No <paraphrasing> I currently have no mechanism by which to add anything to anybody else’s plan or .... of a way for us to .... combine our efforts"

Which bit of 'combining plans into AOP' did this Senior Director not understand?

[ian]

Ha, lonely lions. Indeed. They need Lionr, the meet-another-lion app. Good god, I so should be working somewhere near Old Street.

Reminds me that I've been beckoned to the mothership bridge next week. This may mean the new uber-boss has discovered Taylor Swift vs. Hitler. It'll be my, erm, Downfall.

Apropos to this thread, I'm thinking of doing Management Kittens this year. Imagine if your multinational company with a turnover of billions was managed entirely by kittens. I am.

[Mr Larrington]

Apropos to this thread, I'm thinking of doing Management Kittens this year. Imagine if your multinational company with a turnover of billions was managed entirely by kittens. I am.

I think I've worked for at least two of them.

[PeteB99]

Most of the companies I've worked for have been managed by either rats or lizards.

[hatler]

My last outfit was managed by lying, insincere, incompetent bastards and it felt like they were operating a morality Ponzi scheme. (As in, "if you underlings abide by the moral code, we don't have to.")

At least, that's how it felt.

[ElyDave]

I think I'm being managed by butterflies, every week flit off to launch a new initiative, but last weeks?  Hey? What? but we have this nice shiny new project

[Giraffe]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-42891915

jargon!

[mllePB]

"We've got to eat our own dogfood"

This was from when worked in the world of telecomms and was said by the yanks, meaning less flying more phoning etc. Was ages ago now, but I still remember it. Not unconnected to the fact that I used to to know someone who worked for a petfood manufacturer who said that they did just that through only the premium range.

[Kim]

"We've got to eat our own dogfood"

Best washed down by Drinking The Kool-Aid.

[Beardy]

"We've got to eat our own dogfood"

From memory it was the Frenchman with the yogurt company surname that was particularly fond of this phrase, though I’m not questioning your assertion that he got it from a leftpondian.

[Cudzoziemiec]

Slightly OT, but worth it:

The wise always use a number of ready-made phrases (at the moment I write 'nobody's business' is the most common), popular adjectives (like 'divine' or 'shy-making'), verbs that you only know the meaning of if you live in the right set (like 'dunch'), which give a homely sparkle to small talk and avoid the necessity of thought. The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried this device to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication.

[Diver300]

Not so much a phrase but a memo that is hard to comply with:-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear colleague,

All colleagues, including anyone working for and on behalf of BigCo, are reminded that BigCo assets, resource or any site facilities are not to be used for personal use in any form, or for the storage of private property, including vehicles.

Lockers are assigned for the necessary short-term storage of personal items required for BigCo business purposes.

BigCo has no insurance or liability arising for [sic] the storage of any personal property. Any breach is a serious disciplinary matter.

Issued on behalf of [name redacted], Director, Corporate Security and Business Protection and  [name redacted], Manager, Corporate Insurance Risk

-----------------------------------------------------

I am trying to reconcile this with the existence of a great big car park, a bike shed, my jacket on the back of my chair and the floor supporting my own briefcase with the odd personal item it that doesn't get used for work.

It reminds me of http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10 and the following few cartoons.

[Kim]

I suppose it means you need to turn up naked, without any lunch.

[L CC]

All,

Whilst we already have stretched resources, the ideal scenario is keeping non value added touches external to the operation.

I’d like to understand from Lindsay the feasibility of Option 1, and the potential cost hurt/ price increase.

Lindsay – bringing you into the loop on this.

BINGO

[tiermat]

The one that is really getting on my thrupenny bits, at the moment, is:

"I don't disagree with you"

Quickly followed by a statement that proves they are doing exactly that!

[Cudzoziemiec]

The one that is really getting on my thrupenny bits, at the moment, is:

"I don't disagree with you"

Quickly followed by a statement that proves they are doing exactly that!

Perhaps you need to reply along the lines of: "Yes, no. I like what you're saying except... " then list all of it. But definitely start with either "Yes, no," or "No, yes."

[tiermat]

Nah, Cudzo, I just interject as soon as they say that and say "which means you are going to, nevermind, carry on"

[Guy]

I thought I was booking myself on a course, but no...

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