Fighting siblings...

[andyoxon]

What do you do when your children fight/hit each other?  I know little sisters can be irritating, but our 10yo really reacts OTT sometimes.  I tend to be hard on her and say you’re older you should know better, mini lecture etc etc and/ or here’s a ban from xyz (not sure about the effectiveness of this really), or, go to room for 10 mins (unless we’re about to go out).  I suppose at the end of the day they have to want not to do something ie react badly.

[Notsototalnewbie]

I don't know that there is much you can do. My sister and I are close in age and used to physically fight until quite late on in our teens I'm afraid. She is 2 1/2 years younger than me and we knew just how to push each other's buttons...and used to end up walloping each other. Once, when I was five and she was three, I bit her - but I didn't do that again, because I got a smack when my mum saw the evidence (teeth marks!)

One thing that used to stop us for a brief while was when my mum would sit us down and sorrowfully tell us how it pained her to see us going at each other like that, and how bad it made her felt. I am easily made to feel guilty, so that used to work, for a bit.

We are fine now by the way, though very different.

I bet, though, that if anyone picked on the younger one at school, the older one would be first to stick up for her. It's the Law - you are allowed to be horrible to your little sibling, but woe betide anyone else who tries it...

[Jasper the surreal cyclist]

My kids have generally always got on fairly well. They are quite different so I think that always helped, not a lot to compete about. They have had the odd row though but no blows.

Whereas me, well I would have paid to have some of my brothers done over. My elder brother was just a bully and my younger a pain in the arse. Used to get me into trouble with my father a lot, and he was a violent man prone to thrashing his kids with his `swagger' stick.

I would of course not recommend that as a course of action. A good stare usually got my two to behave, I must look quite fierce when I try (actually, I don't have to try that hard).

[ChrisO]

I wish I had an answer.

The one thing that our oldest is constantly getting into trouble for is fighting with his younger brother ( and sister (5).

I won't go into detail because it won't be relevant - unless your kids have Asperger's and Tourette's - but when an 11 year old boy punches a 5 year old girl in the head it is bloody hard to remember he's not normal.

The psychiatrist we have been going to has suggested that we just have to make rules absolutely clear. There is no physical violence and it just isn't tolerated, at the price of losing something or being sent to his room. And we do it but it doesn't seem to have much effect.

[andyoxon]

It's getting the balance which seems tricky - not overreacting but being firm and fair.  Actually...yes, I suppose doing anything that seems to have a beneficial effect.   Older mini ao does have a temper, and it's the throwing of her weight around that gets me.  Sometimes, if younger sister stubbornly refuses to let her see something, she may do something like grab and pinch her arm right in front of you, then try and justify it... Younger sis, does pretty well at 'turning on the taps' for dramatic effect though.  This am mrs ao yelled "you naughty child" as older sis bashed her sister, I stayed out the way, but will probably have a quiet one to one chat with older mini ao tonight.

[kyuss]

My little brother was the same, he always had an attitude and would often start off on the smallest of things. We were at it all the time, from 10 years old onwards.  Most of them just little punch in the arm scuffles which were stopped with a bit of shouting and threat of grounding from dad but now and then there was the proper boxing matches lasting 3 or 4 minutes with bloody noses etc. Like Notsototalnewbie says, the one thing that stopped it for a bit was seeing how upset mum would get. Nothing like a mum in tears to pile on the guilt and bring you into line.

By the time we were 15/16 it got to the stage the fights were so violent that our friends, and even our dad, were wary of stepping in and splitting it up (we're both quite big). I remember the last one well, I was 16 little bro was 14/15. I broke his nose and knocked him out cold, and I ended up in hospital to have a wire put in my hand to hold my shattered thumb together. We didn't have the heart for it after that, thankfully.

We were very very close all our lives, still are. Like Jasper suggests, the closeness brings out competetiveness. I think had we not cared about each other so much we wouldn't have fought like we did. Strange but true.

[vince]

Don't forget, we never forgive the younger one for coming along and spoiling the party

[Notsototalnewbie]

Don't forget, we never forgive the younger one for coming along and spoiling the party

It's true. I remember really hating the word 'share' because everything that had been just mine, was suddenly subject to this word. It's really obvious in childhood home videos too; I look rather possessive!

[Fab Foodie]

Hi Andy

It's a difficult area...

My approach was to make it very clear (and sadly I don't do quiet or calm  ) that in any case of petty squabling, argument, snatching or fisticuffs that BOTH parties would be equally in trouble and theywere all in the doghouse,.  My reasoning was that you can rarely tell exactly who kicked the whole thing off. It emphasised that fighting was not an acceptable way to resolve a dispute.  If there was an issue, teasing, unfairness, whatever, then report it at the earliest opportunity to me or Mum and we would do our best to arbitrate.

[Jasper the surreal cyclist]

Tell them that there was `another' child, but they were badly behaved so you sold him to the gypsies.....

[Chris S]

Nothing much changes... I'm 7 years younger than my sister. She used to bully me sometimes. She and our cousin tried to flush me down Nana's loo once when I grassed Sis up for wearing make-up. In the end, they dunked me in the water-butt with all the mozzie larvae  .

We used to fight. We got over it. Now we are friends, but have never been close.

Of course - we drove our parents potty. As they say, Insanity is hereditary - you get from your children.

[Regulator]

Not having children, I feel confident in saying that you only need to intervene when there's blood or broken bones.

HTH


 

[rae]

Eldest (5) has been generally mean to youngest (3), despite intervention.   I'm not going to bother intervening any more.   Eldest decided to have a go, youngest lamped him - a solid uppercut to the jaw.  Eldest sat down, then saw me watching the whole thing, so tried to pretend it hadn't happened.   Youngest complained later that he'd hurt his hand.   

[Adrian]

Not having children, I feel confident in saying that you only need to intervene when there's blood or broken bones.

HTH


 

Or perhaps slightly before

[russellm]

Not having children, I feel confident in saying that you only need to intervene when there's blood or broken bones.

HTH


 

Don't you mean: you only need to intervene when there's blood or broken bones or danger to the bike collection?

[Regulator]

Not having children, I feel confident in saying that you only need to intervene when there's blood or broken bones.

HTH


 

Don't you mean: you only need to intervene when there's blood or broken bones or danger to the bike collection?

I stand corrected... although I would hope that the most precious objects in your life are kept well away from where the children can get at them.

[Wowbagger]

I have no answers, only plentiful anecdotes. I could recount a few of these and acutely embarrass one of our forum administrators. 

[Regulator]

I have no answers, only plentiful anecdotes. I could recount a few of these and acutely embarrass one of our forum administrators. 

And we now expect you to do so....


[Pulls up comfy chair]

[Pancho]

Fighting's just what kids do. It practice for being grown-up humans.

My policy to intervene if I hear it - and that includes people being verbally "disrespectful" of each other. They've learned to keep their developmental squabbling out of earshot if they don't want Punishment. And, yes, that does include, very occasionally, a physical reminder of what is good behaviour. But then I run a pretty Victorian household.

"Silence is Golden. Duct tape is Silver"

My own experience of internecine combat was that it'll culminate with one almighty house damaging bust-up at around age 14/15 and then everything settles down.

[clarion]

Fighting is part of growing.  My elder brother & I used to fight regularly, until he realised he was never going to come off best.

My kids haven't fought much, which is just as well.  One's quite strong and athletic and has five years advantage, and hte other does a fair impersonation of Taz on a bad day.

They row, they bicker, and they have both done their fair share of 'poking the tiger', but I have togive them credit that they have fought a lot less than I'd have expected.