Crapita, er I mean TV licensing again...

[librarian]

What's the correct etiquette in telling them to f off when they turn up?

"I'm from TV Licensing, according to our records you don't have a licence"

"That's correct."

"Can I see your TV?"

"You've written a dozen letters and you're the third person to come round recently.  You seem VERY keen to see our TV."

"Well, we have an obligation...."

"I've told everyone else to go away but as you're so keen you can see our TV. Hold on a second, I'll open the gate to the side passage"

"Why are we going down here?"

"The TV's in the garage."

"In the garage?  Why?"

"Because it's in lots of jagged bits and we don't want the cats hurting themselves."

"Why is it in bits?"

"We shot it."

"Shot it?! What with?"

"Guns."

....

"I... don't think I need to see it. Thanks."