G Imlach: | O hai & onoz & o waily waily! 'tis teh v. last staeg ov teh Tour ov France so from 2moro ur all gonna b breft, on acount ov it bein' anuvva forty-nine (49) wekes until u, teh viewz0rz, is on teh receevin' end ov teh non-sop barrij ov joaks, mirth and orl-round LOLsumness from me, TV's G Imlach! |
Bethany (11): | R we neerli thare yet roffle? |
G Imlach: | Oh ha ha! 1st tiem I herd that 1 I laarrffed so hard I dint look ware I wuz goin' & got thagomised! |
Bethany (11): | U got wot?!?!? |
G Imlach: | Thagomised! |
Bethany (11): | Thare ent no such word! |
G Imlach: | Iz so! Iz a perfickli cromulent word! |
Bethany (11): | Wossit mene, then? |
G Imlach: | Teh big lumpy spiky fing wot sum di-no-sores had on teh end ov thare taleses? Thass corled teh thagomiser! Or teh thagomizer iffen ur USAnian! |
Bethany (11): | U lie, G Imlach! |
G Imlach: | No I dunt! Look it up, y doan u! |
| FX: chainsaw, rugby union scrum engaging, low-flying Spitfire, boxer hitting a punchbag, 1000 meeces squeaking, harps celestial, teleprinter |
Bethany (11): | "Blackburn Rovers 5 - 2 Birmingham City"? I must ov typed it rong… oh, hang on… "A thagomizer (/ˈθæɡəmaɪzər/) iz teh distinctive arrangement ov 4 spieks on teh taleses ov stegosaurine dinosores. These spikes r beleeved 2 ov been a defensive measure against predators. Teh term thagomizer woz coined bi Gary Larson in jest. In a 1982 Teh Far Sied carton, a groop ov cavemen in a faux-modern lecture hall iz tort bi thare caveman professor that teh spikes on a stegosaur's tale iz so named "afta teh late Thag Simmons". Teh term woz picked up initially bi Kenneth Carpenter, wot woz a paleontologist at teh Denver Museum ov Nature & Science, who used teh term when describing a fossil at teh Society ov Vertebrate Paleontology Annual Meeting in 1993. Thagomizer has since bin adopted as a informal anatomical term, and iz used bi teh Smiffsonian Institution, teh Dinosaur Nashnul Monument, teh bok Teh Compleet Dinosore & teh BBC documentary series Planet Dinosore". Fckles. Iz troo! 'ere! Iz u sayin' mi joak's a old 1, G Imlach? |
G Imlach: | Ononononononononoyes. |
Bethany (11): | Git!!1! |
Omnes: | That wuz priti mild comin' from u, Bethany (11)! |
Bethany (11): | Thass coz I's inna gud mood innit! |
Omnes: | Wot even afta ur Da…R Urán had such a horble tiem in teh Pyra-knees? |
Bethany (11): | Yeh, onli I ent aloud 2 tell ne-1 y yet! Izza SEEKRIT! |
G Imlach: | Now we's intreegd… |
Bethany (11): | I! Tole! U! Izza! SEEKRIT! |
Omnes: | Iz u & Niec C gonna colemantate on teh Olimpix 4 teh Anabasis ov Xenophon Servis ov teh Bee-Bee-See? |
Bethany (11): | I! Tole! U! Izza! SEEKRIT! Now! Fck! Off! |
Omnes: | Ooooh! Tetchy!!1! |
G Imlach: | So. Teh biek raec. Ur no fan ov teh trad. arr. tittin' about, r u, Niec C? |
NC Boardman: | No. No, I iz not! |
TP Kennaugh: | Ur a ole miseri-guts, Niec C! Wot cud b MOAR phun than stayin' indoors till afta lunch, and then teh annyul ried 2 teh gr8 Triumphal Arch is, er, a grand triumphal march. Observed bi each observer wif teh keenness of a hawk, I's a mass of money, linen, silk and starch, I… er, um, I 4gotted teh next bit! |
Omnes: | Tiny P Kennaugh; teh action man wot caem hoam b0rke from Laxey bingo! |
TP Kennaugh: | I h8 u all! |
EC Boardman: | Me & EO Aquitaine cud fink ov a few fings wot's MOAR phun! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
G Imlach: | U still rekn thare cud b a suksesful breakfroupfing 2da, Niec C? |
NC Boardman: | Haz bin such a bonkas Tour ov France I wudn't b @ orl supriesd! Thobut iz MOAR likeli that M Cavendish will pwn teh staeg… |
EO Aquitaine: | He'd betta, pal or ur in depe trub! We new how 2 deel wif fals profits in mi da! |
EC Boardman: | Iffen it invlvs decapitashn I's orl 4 it! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
G Imlach: | Niec C will no dowt b releevd 2 lern that we ent even startin' r covverij until teh rid0rz has bin goin' 4 forty-five (45) minits, so they'll ov doned teh spottyclime & teh shampane & teh fotobommin' & jenrl tittin' about b4 we let *** & Super D out ov thare hutch! |
Omnes: | Y u not haz Dokta Hutch on agane? He's ded funneh, he iz! |
G Imlach: | Um, er, lojistikl reezns! Did u kno J Birbsong haz goned hoam? Olimpix, he sez… |
Omnes: | Doan chaeng teh subj.! Ur scairt! Ur stark frit, G Imlach, on acount ov how Dokta Hutch is much MOAR funneh'n u! |
Bethany (11): | Yeah! Swepe asied teh old brigaed! Out wif teh ded wood, teh useless moufs & teh old gits! Stand asied 4 me, Bef'ny (11), Dokta Hutch (47) & EO Aquitaine (919), er, I'll come in agane, shall I? |
TP Kennaugh: | Oi! I's onli 32 & from teh Isle ov Man! An' I's onli a inch shorta'n teh C Boardmen! Stop pickin' on me, u horbles! |
Bethany (11): | I brakes it 2 u gentli, Tiny P. U falls in teh "Useless Mouf" cat. |
TP Kennaugh: | I ent useless! I predicted teh podium rite last yere! I sed WV Aert wld pwn teh tiem-trail yesterda! & teh onli fing I gotted rong about ur Da…R Urán's fallin' off ov teh podium woz how bad 'e wuz gonna fa… I, er, I've goned 2 far, ent I? |
Bethany (11): | Youse is gonna regret that, Tiny P! |
| FX: running boots, car door slamming, engine starting, furious V12 scream cobbed off ov a 250 GTO, squealing tyres, car door slamming agane, jet aircraft taking off, FOREIGN country-stylee cacophony of car horns, waves breaking on beach, seagulls |
Bethany (11): | And so perish all enemies ov teh Bef'ny (11)! Ha! |
5's Mummy: | That was a teeny bit naughty, Bethany dear. Although he is an annoying little squit sometimes… |
G Imlach: | Kwik! 2 teh colemantary Sheds b4 Bethany (11) causes a Diplomatik Insidnt! |
| […] |
D Friebe: | O hai! I iz in Paris Paree wile u, u r not roffle! [Indic8s Eiffel Towwa] See! Now I shall summariez teh Tour ov France from teh perspektv ov M Cavendish! I mite even menshn E Merckx! |
Omnes: | Shirley u mene "teh Belgian rid0r"? |
D Friebe: | |
Omnes: | Iz a paralel wif "teh Scottish restaurant", D Friebe. |
D Friebe: | Oh. Rite. |
| […] |
N Boulting: | O hai! Paris Paree! Ent it brilliant? |
SD Millar: | O hai! Y, yes, ***! Yes, it iz! |
A Hidalgo & E Macrobe [in stereo]: | We's wotchin' u, Boulting! Mind ur pees & queueueueues iffen u evvah wanna set ur feetses in la belle France agane! |
N Boulting: | Afta orl mi unstintin' work pluggin' teh small townz ov ur fare cuntri? No pleezin' sum peops! |
E Macrobe: | I 'ope les maires de France did not pai u wif public munny, ***! |
N Boulting: | Not mi promble, innit! Look, see! Dånez! Thare teh nu Belgians! |
WV Aert: | O RLY! |
N Boulting: | [Rapid bodyswerve] A Greipel! He's retirin' @ teh end ov teh seezn! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
A Greipel: | I ent gonna miss u wnkrs! Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! P Rolland! Teh French Frenchman wif teh French naem! Noted curlifckr TV's D Friebe haz nooz ov teh finish! |
D Friebe: | Teh last 200 meetaz iz a bit downeri hillary! O hai, C Froome! |
C Froome: | O hai! A awardz? How niec! I'll b bak hahahahahaha! |
G Thomas: | O hai! A awardz! How niec! 4 lyin' down on teh job, u sa? Pah! I's still 'ere LOL! |
N Boulting: | Vers-eye! Ent Vers-eye brilliant? |
EO Aquitaine: | I's jellus now! Bah! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Vers-eye! Ent Vers-eye brilliant? We's got teh hole colemantary teme in teh Sheds! |
SD Millar: | Get ur elbo out ov mi ear'ole, Niec C! |
EC Boardman: | That woz me! Onli it wunt mi elbo! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
SD Millar: | Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww! |
M Rendell: | O hai! Mi sunt M Rendall òc mi spikim in tungs! I givim this Tour ov France 7/10! |
SD Millar: | I avridges it out 2 a 8 ov ten (10)! |
TP Kennaugh [via e-mail]: | I gives it, er, 1, 2, sevving, fore, NINE! I's on teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | O RLY? |
TP Kennaugh: | Iffen I sez I's on teh Isle ov Man then Bethany (11) willen luk 4 me thare, not ware I reeli iz! |
EC Boardman: | So ware iz u? |
TP Kennaugh: | Eye-beezer! Oh. Fckles! |
Bethany (11): | How u spell that? |
NC Boardman: | I gives it 7 (seven) coz it got a bit borin' @ tiems. |
N Boulting: | U wot? Wot ov M Mohoric B Mollema P Konrad BO Connor D Teuns N Politt S Kuss ect ect? |
NC Boardman: | Yebbut, apart from teh aqueduct… |
N Boulting: | We's neerli in Paris Paree! Here's TV's Ant & Dick tryna sell u a bnk acount! |
Omnes: | Lok us in teh seller & fede us pinz! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Issy-les-Moulinex! Tv.fr liv 'ere! They duz orl teh amazeballs pikchas! |
Pingu: | Not very good @ findin' vautours, thobut! Nede 2 tri harda next yere! |
N Boulting: | TUAE Emirates lede teh pelican! 1 ov onli 4 (four) temes wot still haz all thare rid0rz! |
SD Millar: | |
N Boulting: | Look, see! R Carapace haz goned 2 c teh dokta! Wonda y? |
R Carapace: | Iz teh altitood! Bein' this lo maek me feel sik LOL! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Paris Paree! Pongggg Neuf! Mme la Maire ov Paris Paree ded kene on bieks! Gonna pedestren8 parts ov teh Chomps-Élizy! La Loofa! |
Omnes: | Iz Bethany's Da…R Urán wavin' hiz armz @ it agane! |
SD Millar: | Iffen he did we dint c it. Look, see! Teh Roo ov Ravioli! No peops thare! Booo! 2 quiet! |
N Boulting: | En-fan! Teh Chomps-Élizy! TUAE Emirates blok teh road 2 waev 2 teh crowd! |
T Pogačar: | O hai! |
SD Millar: | Ded EZ 2 control teh raec on teh Chomps-Élizy. Unless iz ranin'. But it ent. Look, see! Big breakfroupfing, wot will acheev this: 0. |
N Boulting: | TDQ Step on teh caes. Look, see! M Cavendish! Warin' ovashooz! |
SD Millar: | 4 æro, not coz 'e rekns iz gonna rane… |
P Bilbao: | Onoz! Mi gearz0rz nede rebootin'! |
N Boulting: | P Bilbao! Onli him & D Martin hav doned 4 (four) Grantorz in twelve (12) months! |
D Martin: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Nogweegie Corna! Wif, er, 0 Nogweegies. On it. |
Nøgweegia: | Not much 2 showt about this yere ne-way… AG Jansen & EH Boson goned hoam ages ago… |
N Boulting: | 4 rid0rz haz nerli 1/2 a minit C Pedersen H Sweeny P Konrad S Bissegger! T DSM ent gonna work @ teh front wile they haz a rid0r in teh breakfroupfing! |
SD Millar: | Not ne MOAR they dunt! C Pedersen hav disappeared! |
TP Kennaugh: | Woz it Spaec Nazis? |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | Snottysprint cometh! Look, see! Altho teh breakfroupfing & anuvva random nutta have mopped up teh big points M Cavendish hav pwned M Matthews! |
M Cavendish: | Teh snottyjumper iz mine! MINE!!1! |
M Matthews: | Doan liek teh culla ne-way! Clashiz wif mi ear-ringz! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein' sold crap L'Armée de l'Air haz showed up! |
S/L de Beeggles: | O hai! U liek mi plane? |
T Pogačar: | Sho duz, Mistah Flyboi |
N Boulting: | Teh breakfroupfing haz bin cort! |
SD Millar: | TDQ Step covva evryfing! |
TDQ Step: | Oi! Ent u lot red teh script? |
N Boulting: | P Gilbert & I Schelling assault attack! J Alaphilippe go wif 'em! |
J Alaphilippe: | Ignoar me! I's jus' tittin' about! |
A Perez: | Onoz! A bag ov plasteek iz cort in mi disraeli! |
T Cofidis Mekanik: | It'd b a lot eezier 2 remoov it iffen u woz o teh otha side ov teh car, clot! |
N Boulting: | Last shitvert brake! I promiss! |
Omnes: | It's betta b, or Bethany (11)'s gonna sort u out afta she's liquid8d chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein' sold crap we's bin treetd 2 teh seenic tour ov Paris Paree! Look, see! Teh Sacred Coo! |
B Dickinson: | Bit quiet, ent it? No coobell… |
N Boulting: | I Schelling BV Moer & MV Hundahl haz 23" seconds. TDQ Step lead teh pelican. |
SD Millar: | T DSM also. Work 4 C Bol. |
N Boulting: | M Mørkøv! Amazeballs lede-out! Smoooov accelerashn! Not liek M Renshaw. |
SD Millar: | Iz gud wa 2 done it. No stress on M Cavendish. |
N Boulting: | T Declercq lede teh pelican! Iz a monsta! Look, see! S Colbrelli teh champignon ov Italy! |
Omnes: | Coff! Coff! ["Fruit!" – Ed.] |
SD Millar: | TDQ Step haz it unda control. D Devenyns T Declercq M Kitteh-Neo rot8 @ front ov pelican! J Alaphilippe iz lurkin' sumware 2! |
J Alaphilippe: | U haz no ideer how hard zis iz! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! T Pogačar haz 1 spottyshoo & 1 shinyshoo! |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | TB&BHPB KTM assault attack! C Gautier & F Bonnamour, wot pwned teh Soopa-Combativité! TA Fenix T DSM also @ front ov teh pelican! |
SD Millar: | T Iramisu 2! T Moviestar! Even T AS-TA-NA! Wowsa! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! J Alaphilippe 2 teh front! M Kitteh-Neo also! A Turgis! Dropped out ov teh pelican's fethery bum! LK Elissonde hav a prob wif hiz biek! Radio Free Prudhomme sez debree on teh road! Onoz! |
T Bell: | Ding &, moreover, dong! |
ML Maire: | I daern't watch! |
N Boulting: | M Kwiatkowski & G Thomas assault attack! |
SD Millar: | N Politt & L Pöstlberger assault attack! |
N Boulting: | Assault attacks amount 2 0. |
SD Millar: | M Cavendish movin' up wif M Mørkøv! |
ML Maire: | Eeep! [Dievs bhind sofa] |
WV Aert: | \o/ |
M Cavendish: | Fckfckfckfckfck! |
Omnes: | This ^^^^ Bah! |
T Pogačar: | Oi! Rememba me? |
| […] |
G Imlach: | WV Aert! Pwned on teh Von-2, pwned teh tiem-trail & now on teh Chomps-Élizy! |
WV Aert: | Priecless! Yay 4 teh teme & esp. M Teunissen! Gotta run! Gotta plaen 2 catch! Tokyo here I comes! |
TP Kennaugh: | Mite M Cavendish ov doned betta iffen he'd stuk wif M Mørkøv? |
Bethany (11): | I herd that! U betta slepe wif teh lites on 2nite, Tiny P! |
G Imlach: | We c'n tell u MOAR afta we's used up teh kwota ov shitverts! |
Omnes: | FFS! |
| […] |
G Imlach: | Look, see! A masheen ritin' "T Pogačar" onna meddle! |
Engraving Machine: | W-O-U-T V-A… |
G Imlach: | Arse! |
N Boulting: | Tour ov France! Iz v. er, French! |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, it is. |
N Boulting: | Look, see! They's aktuli bilt teh podium on tiem! Here iz WV Aert! Wif a Van Aertling! |
E Merckx: | Hurrah! Hurrah 4 Belgium & poo on teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | GIT!!1! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Here iz teh Soopa-Combatif F Bonnamour! |
F Bonnamour: | Oooh! Hai, Maman! |
C Prudhomme: | OK, sonny, push off! We's got a lot 2 get froo! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh teme comp! |
SD Millar: | I pwned that once! Not that ne-1 noticed! |
N Boulting: | Iz TB Notorius! |
Omnes: | Coff! Coff! ["Fruit!" – Ed.] |
T Moviestar's AI: | +++ ¿NOVENO? ¡NO COMPUTA! +++ |
C Prudhomme: | Off u fck! Next! |
N Boulting: | Juniorshinyjumper! T Pogačar! He cud pwn it three (3) MOAR tiems, teh wippasnappa! |
T Pogačar: | Can't we do orl 3 at once so's we c'n go 2 teh pubbe? |
C Prudhomme: | No. Clere off & come back in ur spottyjumper! |
T Pogačar: | Bah! |
N Boulting: | W Poels wuz robbed! |
W Poels: | I wuz robbed! |
N Boulting: | Tho u did aks T Pogačar 2 sine ur spottyjumper this arvo! |
W Poels: | Big zlotys on Ebay! |
N Boulting: | Snottyjumper! M Ca-von-DEEEEEEEEEEESH! Accompnd bi sum small Cavendishs. Mite he come bak next yere? |
SD Millar: | Who knos? B a laarrff. He'll wunt MOAR munny thobut roffle! |
N Boulting: | Shinyjumper! T Pogačar agane! He's a bit good, no? |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, he is. [Aside] Damn him! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! J Vingegaard & R Carapace wif T Pogačar & mani sprogs! |
J Vingegaard: | Next yere, m8! |
Omnes: | Speech! Speech! |
T Pogačar: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! Ta, every-1! Fantastic, amazin'! Gr8 teme! Soopa-happi! Yes. Soopa-happi! |
| […] |
G Imlach: | We haz hilites @… |
N Boulting: | Pub! |