Etienne Shrdlu Presents… TdF 2021

[Mr Larrington]

Rest Da 1: Tignes

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Omnes:	Onoz!!1! Iz teh Rest Da so iz no P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® staeg sumari 2da! O woe! Whatevs shall we do!
PP:	Ph3@r not, o droogies! P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® shall now summarise teh summari!
	[…]
G Imlach:	O hai! I, TV's #1 go-to d00d 4 all things roffletastic G Imlach, bid u welcome 2 teh hilites ov teh hilites ov teh 1st weke ov teh Tour ov France! & wot a weke, eh! Surpries bi teh trucklode, unexpected staeg pwnz0rz, xitement, adventure & rilly wild thingz!
EC Boardman:	Sumfink 2 tickle teh most jaded ov palettes! Even mine! Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes!
Omnes:	Not enuff birbs, thobut! How c'n we taek teh piss out ov ***'s l33t 0rn1th0l091c@l 5k1llz iffen orl we get iz 1 (one) poxy heron wot 'e nevvah even noticed?
Pingu:	We'd better have some vautours next week, or there'll be trub!
G Imlach:	Ulp! Becoz he's no' a nidiot liek *** or Tiny P, we locked TV's Super D Millar in teh cellar & wouldn't let 'im out until he'd come up with…
SD Millar:	O hai! Bretagne… sonically-challenged Frenchmen wif… bagpipes… OpiOmaGaet chutey-bang-bang-ouchie… hoamward bound (I wish I was haha)… C Froome… J Alaphilippe… MVD Poel's chips got wet… R Poulidor… MVD Poel agane… G Thomas… fukn div… P Roglič… C Ewan… Crazy P Sagan handlebars… protest… M Cavendish… tiem-trail… S Küng… T Pogačar… M Cavendish agane yay… doan menshn E Merckx… M Mohoric… umbrella… T Pogačar agane… D Teuns… WV Aert… MOAR hoam-goin'… BO Connor… I wunt sum ov wot S Colbrelli iz on!
N Boulting:	But 4 sure iz still a long wa 2 go & anything c'n hapn!
G Imlach:	Teh teams' press0rz r liek Siberia: every1 kno ware it iz but no-1 want 2 go there. 4tunately there ent none becoz Coronalurgi! This yere we even tole TV's noted curlifckr D Friebe…
EO Aquitaine:	I doan kno ware this "Siberia" place iz!
NC Boardman:	Muscovy & rite a bit!
EO Aquitaine:	Ta, Niec C!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, Ur Maj! O hai, M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	O hai & doan menshn E Merckx! I ent bin practicin' 4 mntns so woz ded hard! D Devenyns T Declercq M Mørkøv iz teh Aces! Mntns iz horble! H8s 'em! TB Xchaeng iz a bunch ov fckrs!
	[…]
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	O hai! Priti happi! Lucki not 2 be in teh big chutey-bang-bang! Mani ["fruit" – Ed.] controls & no ["fruit" – Ed.]! Srsly!
R Carapace:	T Pogačar iz much MOAR betterer than us mort@lz! But I ent 2 bad 4 a normal hyoomin! Very happi!
BO Connor:	No stress coz I nevvah xpekted 2 be 'ere in teh 1st place! No wurriez! Fanci a BEER?
J Vingegaard:	Losin' P Roglič not in teh script. I ent gonna pwn teh raec. Top 5 maybe. 4 sure.
S Yates:	Not rilly surprized bi teh hardness ov teh raec or teh chutey-bang-bang-ouchie Stuffs. Hapnd b4. Horble wether in teh mntns! yeh.
D Friebe:	I still can't get over teh fakt that S Yates c'n suddenly speke Ing!
W Kelderman:	4 sure iz still hard staegs 2 come Ventoux Andorra so MOAR ov teh saem! We will c wot hapns!
R Urán:	4 sure iz soopa long! I taek it da bi da! Gr8 teme! So happi!
Bethany (11):	Yay! Go mi Da… R Urán!
G Thomas:	No comment!
G Imlach:	& now polyglot polymath ov polypropylene M Rendell will speke ov teh Tour ov France vs. Teh Environment!
M Rendell:	Wether! Raec routes! Hot hot heat, SNO in Juli! Glaciers iz retreatin'! Tour ov France CO2 LycraTM! Petril! TDQ Step offsettin' carbon! Marginal ganez!
G Imlach:	& teh interviewz0rz r on teh webby SCIENCE iffen ur interested! Now TV's C Boardmen will say a Bad Swear!
NC Boardman:	Iconic! No! Wait! Come bak! U want iconz, we got 'em! Look, see! Mntns! Alpe d'Huez! Teh fanz0rs esp. T Devil! France! Orl ov it, or at leest teh bits *** iz paid 2 wax lirickle about! Dancing nuns…
EC Boardman:	…that fukn llama agane…
NC Boardman:	… sum, or MOAR ov teh rid0rz! & ov course teh shinyjumper!
Omnes:	Ded peotic, Niec C! Hav a sined photo ov all-round icon *** Boulting!
NC Boardman:	Mi cup runneth ova!
	[…]
D Friebe:	O hai! Me agane! Mont Ventoux. Twice!
P Gilbert:	Iz very beeg!
D Friebe:	Iz very hard also! Even E Merckx ended up inna ambulance afta climbin' it! Also, iz hornted bi a ded Spaigniard wot woz murdered utterly 2 DETH up there!
EO Aquitaine:	No it ent! I shud kno!
D Friebe:	Iz so! Teh localz sed so! Yar boo sucks!
EO Aquitaine:	I woz jus' gettin' 2 liek u, Curlilox! Ur hares ent gonna gro long & curli iffen ur head's bin chopped off!
G Imlach:	Cut! Next weke cometh & so duz NC Boardman & chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh!
TP Kennaugh:	Shud b a sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 2moro unless teh wind hapns! Wind! We haz it on teh Isle ov Man 2!
EC Boardman:	Wind! Oh yes! Bring it! Hahahahahaha!
G Imlach:	Snottyjumper! M Matthews S Colbrelli on teh staegs, M Cavendish 4 teh staeg pwns!
NC Boardman:	Hiz prob iz teh mntns! & we haz MOAR! Ov them!
G Imlach:	TB Xchaeng pushin' teh grupetto hard 2 maek M Cavendish out ov tiem! Teh roters!
TP Kennaugh:	M Cavendish hazter assault attack teh sprint staegs between now & teh Pyra-knees! Doan menshn E Merckx! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	& teh mntns?
NC Boardman:	Teh rid0rz dunt caer wot iz corled, just how big it iz & how mani tiems they haz 2 go up it! T Pogačar! Hiz 2 luse!
TP Kennaugh:	T Pogačar can't mark every1!
G Imlach:	So teh podium?
TP Kennaugh:	TUAE Emirates hazter b on teh toesies! Iffen T Ineo$ & TDQ Step gang up on 'im…
G Imlach:	So join P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® 2moro 4 MOAR roffles on teh liev-akshun opéra de savon wot iz teh Tour ov France! Pub?
Omnes:	Pub!

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	FX: Doorbell
Bethany's Mum:	Wot u want? I ent buyin' ur lief insewerants or sellin' u mi soul!
DCI Mladič:	O hai! I iz Detective Chief Inspectre Mladič! Ov teh Yard! Allow me 2 interduce mi colleegs Detective Sergeant Hastings & Constable Pan-Am? We haz a few kwestions 4 u…
Bethany's Mum:	Fck! Off! Coppa!
DCI Mladič:	I wud advise u 2 coöperate, ma'am. Or D/S Hastings here will kick ur faec off!
PC Pan-Am:	R u [Consults notebok] Galadriel Starmelt Lovelight Larksong?
Bethany's Mum:	Ent bin corled that 4 yeres! Iz "Mircalla de Sade" 2 u!
Bethany (11):	’oo iz it, Mum?
Bethany's Mum:	Get on wif ur hoamwork, u nosy l'il caaah! Ent nuffink 2 do wif u!
PC Pan-Am:	Did u, on September 21st 2020, enter into a verbal agreement wif a Mr [Consults notebok agane] Adolf Raskolnikov Gabbitas 2…
Bethany's Mum:	No.
PC Pan-Am:	U sure?
Bethany's Mum:	Kwite sure! Mi fukn dorter put paid 2 that! She kikt hiz m8 in teh nuts, set fier 2 hiz trousis, jumped out ov teh window an' I dint c her agane until, er, no comment!
PC Pan-Am:	& u had no furtha contact wif Mr Gabbitas since then?
Bethany's Mum:	No. & b4 u ask, yes, I duz kno he's DED!
D/S Hastings:	O RLY? & how mite u kno that? We ent tole teh meeja…
Bethany's Mum:	YA RLY! Becoz… no comment!
DCI Mladič:	Ms Larksong, ur under arrest 4 killin' Adolf Raskolnikov Gabbitas utterly 2 DETH! U duz not havter sa anyfink but iffen u doan D/S Hastings will rite ur staetment 4 u. She's gud @ that, ent u, Sergeant!
D/S Hastings:	Oh yes!
Bethany's Mum:	This iz a fit-up! Wuffo wud I wunt 2 murder 'im 4? 'e woz offrin' me loadsamunny!
PC Pan-Am:	Ur fukn nickt, Missis!
Bethany's Mum:	Bef'ny! Do sumfink! Owwwwww!
D/S Hastings:	Shut it, u slag!
PC Pan-Am:	& u'd betta come out 2, litle gril! Ur poncey TV pals ent around @ this tiem ov nite!
Bethany (11):	Maybe they ent, but I's still got a ghostie! EO Aquitaine? Do ur thing!
EO Aquitaine:	Woooooo! BRAAAAAAANEZ!!1! [Aside] Sumtiems I heart this job!
PC Pan-Am:	Aiiiieee! Iz teh Zompockyclypse! Flee 4 ur lives!

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 10: Albertville —> Valence

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G Imlach:	O hai! On wif teh motley, as D Caruso useta sing hahahahahaha! I am TV's G Imlach & mi joaks are protected by EU lor… Doan menshn E Merckx!
Bethany (11):	We ent in teh EU no mor, G Imlach, u spud!
G Imlach:	Oh, er, yeh, rite! Dint u, unliek 4 eg E Merckx, get arrested last nite, then?
Bethany (11):	Did a runna wile EO Aquitaine woz donin' her parti piece!
Omnes:	Wot about ur Mum, Bethany (11)?
Bethany (11):	Oh, they nickt her orlrite! Makin' a fck ov a rakkit when they chuckt her in teh van! Mind u, so was teh dopey filf in unifrom! Dunno iffen p'licemenz is reely gettin' younger, but they ent gettin' ne MOAR clevvah LOL!
Omnes:	Ent u worried about ur Mum, tho? She's bin fitted up!
Bethany (11):	Nah! A spell in chokey wud do 'er gud, teh fukn C-O-W! Mite get 'er off ov teh sauce & teh yippee pillz!
G Imlach:	An wot ov u, Bethany (11)? Mite teh Soshul Serviecs chuck u inna kiddiewinks' hoam or send u 2 liv wif E Merckx ur hipi Nana?
Bethany (11):	Not hapnin'! Teh P-Fs will c 2 that!
Omnes:	Wot about skool, Bethany (11)? Ent they gonna grass u up?
Bethany (11):	Nah! I's just gonna tell 'em I's self-insulatin' agane! Also 5's old man sez 'e's alredi payed 4 teh 1-on-1 video teechin' wossname so it dunt make no diffrunce iffen it's 1-on-2 insted!
G Imlach:	Gud 2 kno! Now, 2da's staeg! One (1) 4th cat clime b4 teh snottysprint, then downhill orl teh way. Sort ov. Orter b a da 4 a futile break optionally inc. TD Gendt 2 get cort 10 km from teh finish, M Cavendish 2 pwn teh sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE & doan menshn E Merckx!
EC Boardman:	Roan valli! Mistral! Wind! Hahahahahaha! E Merckx! Oh yes!
NC Boardman:	Iffen it iz Windi mite b gud oppotuniti 4 T Ineo$ TJ Visma &, moreover, just about every1 else 2 gang up on TUAE Emirates! They ent gonna b able 2 mark every1! Not even E Merckx, who we ent s'posed 2 menshn, cud do that!
TP Kennaugh:	I's 4gotted wot I wuz gonna sa! I'm from teh Isle ov Man, unliek E Merckx!
G Imlach:	2 teh colemantary Sheds & doan menshn E Merckx!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai & E Merckx!
SD Millar:	O hai & E Merckx!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	E Merckx!
N Boulting:	We haz, 2 teh gr8 surpries ov absolutli no-1, 2 no-hoapers off teh front wif a 5 minit lead! But earlier S Küng doned a assault attack & took S Colbrelli wif 'im! Wile M Cavendish woz bak @ teh teme car! Teh roter!
SD Millar:	TDQ Step shutted 'em down, thobut!
N Boulting:	Wine!
SD Millar:	Wine! I liek teh liter red winez! Prefrebli chilled!
D Friebe:	Burn! Teh! Heretic! 1st teh cheez & now this?
N Boulting:	Chambéry! Ent Chambéry brilliant! Oh, teh break! H Houle & TVD Sande! Now u kno az much az we duz! We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	O hai & doan menshn E Merckx! Ent thinkin' about teh hillz! Wind!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Matthews!
M Matthews:	O hai! Dunt wanna a big bunch sprint SPRINTEEE much. We will c!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Colbrelli!
S Colbrelli:	O hai! 4 sure TB Xchaeng tri 2 drop M Cavendish on teh last clime! We will c!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Walscheid!
M Walscheid:	O hai! Nede 2 kepe on r toesies!
D Friebe:	O hai, C Bol!
C Bol:	O hai! 4 sure anything c'n hapn! We will c!
D Friebe:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
N Boulting:	Valence! M Cavendish haz pwned a staeg here! When M Renshaw doned teh headbuttz on J Dean & got sent hoam! Wot u rememba ov that, Super D?
Omnes:	He woz so far bak he dint c it!
SD Millar:	Fck! Off!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wether much MOAR betterer 2da, tho teh 4cast iz 4 rane & Wind l8r!
EC Boardman:	Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
SD Millar:	Wud liven things up a bit!
N Boulting:	Les Ducs de Savoie! They lived [indicates map] here!
EO Aquitaine:	Arrivistes!
N Boulting:	Wind! Wud suit T Ineo$!
SD Millar:	Wind!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Wind!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Running!
E Merckx:	Pfft! Even climin' stares iz bad 4 u! I, teh gr8 E Merckx, sa so & doan menshn M Cavendish!
Omnes:	Admit it, ph@ boi, u wurried!
E Merckx:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	H Houle! He woz a hooligan @ skool haha! Sumtiems I crak me up!
H Houle:	Que vient-il de dire?
	[…]
N Boulting:	We iz joined bi chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh! Mi happiness kno 0 bounds!
TP Kennaugh:	O hai! T DSM work wif TDQ Step 2da! Perhaps. I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	U here P Rolland's press0r yesterda?
Omnes:	Ur gonna tell us, ent u!
N Boulting:	P Rolland sed he's gonna assault attack teh staeg 2moro on teh Ventoux, sumwun sed "Wot, even wif teh descant 2 teh finish?" & he sed "Wot descant?" Ha ha ha! Teh div!
P Rolland:	Fck! Off! I's gonna assault attack a Pyra-knee insted! I pwned teh staeg 2 Alpe d'Huey, u kno! & teh juniorshinyjumper 2!
Omnes:	10 yeres ago…
P Rolland:	I h8 u all!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap H Houle pwned teh sole spottypoint! E Merckx!
TP Kennaugh:	M Cavendish's gonna done it, I rekn! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
SD Millar:	Ur countin' ur chiknz, u chirpy Manx idiot!
N Boulting:	Bit ov a shortage ov sprint0rz atm! Tour ov Poland D Groaningwagon F Jakobsen! C Ewan goned hoam ect ect!
TP Kennaugh:	Teh snottysprint iz onna hill 2da! Suit M Matthews S Colbrelli but iffen M Cavendish sta close 2 'em…
N Boulting:	We ent even menshnd Crazy P Sagan this yere! Chartreuse!
SD Millar:	Minks! Er, munks!
N Boulting:	Er, wot iz it?
SD Millar:	Luminous green digestif…
TP Kennaugh:	& iz horble! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	U lot drink Okells…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Château! Another Violet teh Duck production! She doned Le Mon-san-Michelle-ma-belle & Carcass-on 2!
SD Millar:	Le sigh! Viollet le Duc woz a bloke!
N Boulting:	O RLY?
SD Millar:	YA RLY!
N Boulting:	M Cavendish! He c'n… chute! M Pedersen J Simon! Look, see! A sign sayin' "JULIAN PRÉSIDENT"! J Alaphilippe wud b a gud M. le Président!
SD Millar:	Hiz policies: nom caek & assault attack peops!
N Boulting:	Maybe iffen there woz a war on…
TVD Sande:	\o/ Snottypwn!
	[2 & a 1/2 minits l8r]
SD Millar:	Teh snottyjumper contend0rz r on 1!
N Boulting:	No sine ov M Cavendish!
SD Millar:	He ent interested! Wunts 2 pwn teh staeg instead!
S Colbrelli:	\o/ P3
M Matthews:	Piss!
	[…]
M Rendell:	O hai! Mi ist ect ect! Wether! There ent none!
NC Boardman:	Teh 4cast sez Wind & thunderboltz & litenin' very very fritenin' meeeeee, but only afta teh rid0rz iz tucked up in teh hotels nommin' pasta!
EC Boardman:	Arse!
M Rendell:	[Interminable stori about a tunnel]
NC Boardman:
M Rendell:	Sprint0rz! N Bouhanni! B niec iffen he pwned a staeg, tho onli afta M Cavendish haz pwned teh record ov E Merckx who we ent s'posed 2 menshn!
N Bouhanni:	Oi! U! Wnt sum? Oh…
M Rendell:	[5 minits ov wibblin' about Kultcha]
NC Boardman:
M Rendell:	[Plughin' on regardless] Columbia!
Omnes:	Not much hapnin', then?
NC Boardman:	No. No, there iz not.
M Rendell:	Look, see! Cable water-skiin'!
NC Boardman:	I doned that!
M Rendell:	[Wistfulli] I ent nevvah bin waterskiin'!
Omnes:	Y not? Cudn't u find a laek wif a slope on it?
M Rendell:	I h8 u all!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Walnuts! Stendhal! Viewz0rz! No Wind!
TP Kennaugh:	Patience, M Rendell!
NC Boardman:	Wot teh chirpy Manx idiot sed!
M Rendell:	BO Connor! U rekn him 4 teh podium, Niec C, no?
NC Boardman:	Yes. Yes, I duz, iffen he dunt luse 2 much 2 R Carapace & Bethany's Da… R Urán in teh tiem-trail!
M Rendell:	Maybe woz gud thing he b0rked hiz collabone last Nov.!
TP Kennaugh:	Buterfli effect!
NC Boardman & M Rendell [in stereo]:
Omnes:	He's from teh Isle ov Man!
TVD Sande:	[Shaemless playin' 2 camera]
M Rendell:	That village wot we just went thru was ware teh bloke wot invented l'Alpe d'Huez camed from!
NC Boardman:	& iffen u look closely u c'n see C Froome tellin' teh rest ov teh pelican LOL!
NC Boardman & M Rendell [in stereo]:	Environment! Marginal ganez!
TP Kennaugh:	Torkin' ov which, skinsootz!
NC Boardman:	Skinsootz! Wind tunnels! Collection ov Tubez! Oh my!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Orl quiet on teh pelican front! Speakin' in tungs!
TP Kennaugh:	M Kwiatkowski R Majka! Torkin'… Polish! Chute! T Ineo$!
M Rendell:	Not G Thomas! 4 a chaeng! R Porte, thobut…
R Porte:	Did I tell u about teh tiem I abandoned teh Circuit de Marsh Gibbon afta a jiraffe lied down in teh road?
Omnes:	How! Absolutli! Fassinatin'!
R Porte:	I h8 u all!
M Rendell:	G Thomas mite ov bin invlvd afta orl! Look, see! He haz torn hiz trousis!
Omnes:	U div, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	Soz! I woz distracted bi a passin' pub…
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack!
Omnes:	No, b4 u aks!
N Boulting:	Wether! Teh horizon look liek a still from "Lord Ov Teh Rings"!
SD Millar:	1 duz not simpli ried ur biek into Morrrrrdorrrrrr! Wind!
N Boulting:	Wind! Also a uncategorated clime soon! Wind! TUAE Emirates in teh Central Massive last yere!
SD Millar:	Wind! Headin' out in2 teh Roan Valli, ware teh Wind lives!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A Windsock! There iz Wind!
EC Boardman:	Not enuff thobut! Bah!
N Boulting:	Pourquoi ne pas visiter Saint-Nazaire-en-Royans pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine? Voyez ses parkings, son aqueduc aux nombreuses arches, sa rivière qui est bleue et sa manche à air gaie qui est à la fois rouge et blanche!
Le Maire de S-N-en-R:	Merci, ***!
N Boulting:	Dark! No lite! Mahogany calves!
M Pingu:	R they bingly-bongly!
N Boulting:	On teh rid0rz legses, not in teh feeldz!
M Pingu:	Bah!
SD Millar:	Storm comin', perchance! Stormz mene Wind! Look, see! Flegs! Indicatin' Wind!
N Boulting:	Nede 2 kepe a eye on TB Victorinox & TB Xchaeng on teh clime!
SD Millar:	TDQ Step on teh caes thobut. T Declercq iz wide enuff 2 blok teh road on his own!
N Boulting:	CJ Jensen 2 teh front 4 TB Xchaeng, who iz roters… S Colbrelli snekein' up 2!
TVD Sande:	Enuff! Bai, H Houle!
Omnes:	Iz that rane on teh lens ov teh camera on teh helichopter?
N Boulting:	Look, see! Thnx 2 L Hamilton teh pelican haz nommed H Houle in its mitey beek! & iffen that woz a attempt 2 kill M Cavendish utterly 2 DETH then it ent worked!
SD Millar:	Roffle! TB Xchaeng haz burnt there matches!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Lavender!
Pingu:	A pox on ur lavender, ***! We wunt vautours!
N Boulting:	No pleezin' sum peo… Wind! J Alaphilippe 4ce pace!
TP Fairy:	O hai! O hai, S Colbrelli! Stab!
S Colbrelli:	FFS!
SD Millar:	TDQ Step reely on it! Tho they started b4 TP Fairy assault attacked S Colbrelli, so they ent roters!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Angry S Colbrelli iz angry!
SD Millar:	Panickin'! Use ur loaf, S Colbrelli, u dolt! Ur goin' 2 hard!
M Cavendish:	That woz a stroek ov luck eh, readers!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap S Colbrelli iz bak in teh safeti ov teh pelican's mitey beek!
SD Millar:	Wind! It's gorn! Sort ov! TaleWind now!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cavendish iz rite up teh pointi end!
SD Millar:	Split pelican!
N Boulting:	Briefli… Look, see! WV Aert iz sneekin' in2 teh TDQ Step trane like a, er, sneeky fukn Russian!
WV Aert:	I ent Russian
N Boulting:	Nevvah mind! TEFE Hippo iz in teh mix!
SD Millar:	Sketchi! Echelon! w00t!
N Boulting:	Pelican split bigly! Wowsa! TDQ Step still there. T Ineo$? We dunt kno… S Colbrelli iz in teh front froup thobut!
SD Millar:	Onli 12" seconds but 1/2 a world awa!
N Boulting:	Not sure ware W Kelderman E Mas r. Iz y TEFE Hippo makin' teh paec! & teh not-kwite-absent T Ineo$ also.
SD Millar:	I rekn teh split haz, er, splat! Yes, look, see! T DSM r back wif teh main pelican!
N Boulting:	3.5 km & TDQ Step kepe teh paec hi! J Alaphilippe! D Devenyns! M Kitteh-Neo!
SD Millar:	This iz J Alaphilippe not tittin' about! Oh. He haz xploded!
	[Frantic sprinty action]
M Cavendish:	\o/ Yes! FUKN YES & doan menshn E Merckx!
SD Millar:	Flawless perf. bi TDQ Step! w00t & doan menshn E Merckx!
N Boulting:	M Cavendish still haz teh small mater ov Mont Ventoux 2moro thobut!
Omnes:	Away wif u & ur pessimism, ***! This iz beter than teh silly old foopball!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Reprize ov M Cavendish pwnage venues! Next stop Paris!
M Cavendish:	Txtbok lead-out! Doned r hoamwork! Amazeballs teme! I'd b embarrassed not 2 pwn teh staeg wif that lot! I ent intrested in chasin' teh snottyjumper, but iffen I pwn it wif staeg pwns then so b it & doan menshn E Merckx!
NC Boardman:	That orter b next 2 "sprint lead-out" in teh Oxtail Illustr8d Dikshunari!
TP Kennaugh:	I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
NC Boardman:	Fourteen (14) pedal revs from hittin' teh front 2 pwnin' teh staeg!
N Boulting:	I's run out ov adjectives!
SD Millar:	Most ov TDQ Step will ov seen M Cavendish pwning staegs on teh telly when they got hoam from skool LOL!
D Friebe:	O hai, J Philipsen!
J Philipsen:	Fckles!
G Imlach:	Mite M Cavendish haz probs 2moro?
NC Boardman:	Nah. It dunt get nasti until kwite l8 in teh staeg!
G Imlach:	So join P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® 2moro 4 another da ov not menshnin' E Merckx!

[Beardy]

No menshun ov teh nutter isn’t the flop flips? I mean he is pwning teh Tour without teh nedez ov teh taem doubledeckers nor nuffin.

[Mr Larrington]

I ent seen him and nor, AFAICT, have *** & Super D

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 11: Sorgues —> Malaucène

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! I, TV's G Imlach bid u welcome 2 yet another da ov his & los on teh emoshunul rolla-costar that iz teh Tour ov France! Teh his iz, ov course, mostli mi joaks, japes & gags. Teh los iz Stuffs like rid0rz goning hoam 4 bein' out l8 (teh dirty stop-outs) or becoz they's felled off ov thare biek.
Bethany (11):	U'd betta haz ur joak-mashine turned up 2 11 2da, G Imlach, coz teh rid0rz iz gonna nede orl teh LOLZ0RZ they c'n fit in thare pocketses! Twice up teh iconic Von-2? Who thort that woz a gud idea?
EC Boardman:	Me! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
G Imlach:	I Montoya N Quintana iz on record az sayin' he lieks teh iconic Von-2!
Bethany (11):	M Bolan wuz on record az sayin' he liekd 2 boogie but it dint do him much gud!
NC Boardman:	Frankly, Bethany (11), it astonishs me that u possess this information!
Bethany (11):	5 lieks 'im. She's gone off ov biek rid0rz afta TD Windmill & T Pinot dint come out 2 pla this yere! She's gotta big pictcha ov 'im on teh wall, wif icky teerdropz on 'iz faec!
NC Boardman:	DED pop stars ent exactly a improvement!
Bethany (11):	Sssssshhhhh! I doan think she kno he's DED!
EO Aquitaine:	Thare ent nuffink rong wif bein' DED! Apart from no-1 lissenin' when u tell 'em 2 chop off sum miscreent's head…
NC Boardman:	Soz, ur Maj! 0 insult intended!
Omnes:	Cud b worse! Cud b ME Smith! Or SP Morrissey!
Bethany (11):	I h8 Illinois Mankchesta Nazis!!1!
G Imlach:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, D Martin!
D Martin:	O hai! I think u kno my op!on ov C Prudhomme bi now!
TP Kennaugh:	I must ov missed that 1. Probly becoz I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	D Martin thinks C Prudhomme iz a cnt!
5's Mummy:	Get out! All of you!
Omnes:	[Slinks out ov teh bak dor wif collective head hung in shaem]
D Martin:	He iz, er, 1 o'they tho! Soz, Syrah!
M Cavendish:	O hai! This Unit hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment & doan menshn E Merckx!
G Imlach:	I think we c'n get away wifout not menshnin' E Merckx 2da! Tho I xpekt M Wikirendell c'n produec sum obscuer fakt about E Merckx, teh iconic Von-2 & Six (6) Degreez ov chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh!
Omnes:	Yay! Go M Cavendish!
G Imlach:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Alaphilippe & I Montoya N Quintana doned a break, I Montoya N Quintana got dropped, T Martin felled inna ditch & haz goned hoam & I now refer u 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	O hai! J Alaphilippe ledes a big breakfroupfing bi 20" seconds & teh pelican bi 40!
SD Millar:	Iz cunning plan bi TDQ Step 2 biff S Colbrelli & M Matthews on teh nut! S Colbrelli mite ov scraped teh odd point but job's a gud'un!
M Cavendish:	Ta, J Alaphilippe
N Boulting:	Thare woz a second froup chasin' 2 but they's bin swep in2 teh pelican's mitey beek!
SD Millar:	D Martin set teh paec on teh front ov teh breakfroupfing! J Alaphilippe A Perez P Rolland thare 2!
5's Mummy:	Oh, jolly good show! Play up, young man!
D Martin:	fankoo Syrah!
D Friebe:	O hai, C Froome!
C Froome:	O hai! Teh Von-2 iz horble but also iconic!
P Rolland:	Tole u I'd assault attack 2da! LOL!
N Boulting:	Von-2! Iconic!
SD Millar:	Onimous!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap a unruli mob hav escaped from teh mitey beek ov teh pelican but ent cort teh lead0rz yet. M Cavendish hav cort bak up wif teh pelican. Now u kno az much az we do!
SD Millar:	M Cavendish need teh pelican 2 do niec stedy paec but not 2 slo othawies it will b hard @ teh end!
N Boulting:	Look, see! C Russo iz goning hoam!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Yates!
S Yates:	Teh Von-2 iz a bit scari, & also iconic, but I ent nevvah bin 2 teh top b4! Wud liek 2 pwn teh staeg but we will c wot hapns!
D Friebe:	Culla me astonisht! Ing agane!
ML Maire:	This raec iz gettin' messi! Breakfroupfings L R & senta! Stop it & sort urselves out!
D Friebe:	O hai, Bethany's Da… R Urán!
R Urán:	O hai! Von-2 ver' niec! Ver' niec viewz! 4 sure! Iconic! Podium! Ver' 'appi!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	O hai! Hot wether 2da! Will be ver' hard! Iconic! Soopa-hard mntns! We will c wot hapns!
N Boulting:	R Carapace haz 2 gane tiem on BO Connor J Vingegaard & Bethany's Da… R Urán in teh mntns on account ov how he can't tiem-trail 4 tooffe!
SD Millar:	Promble iz: T Ineo$ mite not b strong enuff 2 do that! G Thomas iz having a bad da!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh 2nd & 3rd froups haz joined up but J Alaphilippe D Martin ect r still a minit ahed! Here 4 ur viewing plezh iz N Dlamini!
N Dlamini:	O hai! [Long & interesting interview wot I hope ITV4 will put on teh webby SCIENCE coz it deserves 2 b heard]
Omnes:	Chapeau, lad! Also, biek chaeng 4 T Pogačar…
T Pogačar:	Bah!
TP Fairy:	Roffle! Just liek last yete, rite, kidz!
	[…]
Omnes:	Onoz! Iz freeki oddball M Rendell & chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh!
M Rendell:	O hai! Teh breakfroupfing iz on teh 1st 1st cat clime!
TP Kennaugh:	O hai! Iconic Mon Von-2 staegs iz orlwaze weerd! Unlike teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	We jus' bin thru teh hoam villij ov TMD Sade! He inspired C Prudhomme 2 include this staeg!
Omnes:	Did 'e inspier Bethany's Mum 2?
TP Kennaugh:	[Long & tedious stori about P Rolland]
M Rendell:	[Equali long & tedious stori about I Montoya N Quintana punching a giant Belgian sprint0r]
TP Kennaugh:	Iz niec when u stop tho! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	Sorgues! Art! Bracq! Chagall! Picasso!
Omnes:	Fucq Bracq hahahahahaha!
M Rendell:	Teh Mon Von-2 haz a iconic SEEKRIT nucular bunka under it!
TP Kennaugh:
M Rendell:	Look, see! Crazy P Sagan haz felled out ov teh pelican's nest!
CP Sagan:	I h8 this! It ent crazy!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap a grupetto haz 4med wif teh sprint0rz in it. M Cavendish haz mani teme-maets! T Ineo$ r settin' teh paec @ teh front ov teh pelican. Y they do that, Tiny P?
TP Kennaugh:	Dunno! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:
D Martin:	\o/ Spottypwn! LOL!
J Alaphilippe:	Bof!
RF Prudhomme:	M Scotson haz goned hoam.
Omnes:	Who he?
RF Prudhomme:	T FDJ mini0n, I think…
M Rendell:	15 (fifteen) yeres ago 2da M Woods eh runned hiz best tiem in teh 1500 m!
TP Kennaugh:
	[…]
Omnes:	We think ur anthropomorphisin' them donkeys 2 much, SP Stewart!
SP Stewart:	Yeh, well, I's a Knigget ov teh Realm wile u, u r not!
NC Boardman:	Look, see! They's startin' teh 1st tiem up teh iconic Von-2! T Ineo$ r still on teh front ov teh pelican & I haz no idea y! All teh front breakfroupfing c'n climb a bit!
EC Boardman:	I bin donin' mi sumz! 38 minits! Ahahahaha! Oh yes!
M Rendell:	Kwestion iz: iffen M Cavendish iz part ov a big enuff froup that he dunt get sent hoam even tho he's horse delay, duz he luse all hiz snottypoints or jus' teh 1s he pwned 2da?
NC Boardman:	M Cavendish ent pwned no snottypoints 2da!
M Rendell:	Xactli! Truffles! Lavender! Wine! Apricots! Truffles!
NC Boardman:	Mi doggo wud ov bin useless az a trufflemutt!
M Rendell:	Look, see! Teh chaes froup haz cort teh lead0rz! Now iz sixteen (16). Ov them! MV Laundromat!
WV Aert & GV Laundromat [in stereo]:	Who he?
	[…]
M Rendell:	Look, see! M Hirschi haz a noesbleed!
EC Boardman:	Or he's bin inna fite! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz teh Tour ov France! Anything c'n hapn! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
NC Boardman:	2da iz teh leest scari mntn staeg 4 M Cavendish! Long downhillz & sum flat bits. Iz teh short 1s wot iz teh promble & doan menshn E Merckx!
TP Kennaugh:	Cud b a big scrap b'twene J Alaphilippe & WV Aert on teh last downhill! I Montoya N Quintana messt up 2da!
J Alaphilippe:	LOL!
NC Boardman:	Wind! On teh top ov teh iconic Von-2! Cud b triki!
RF Prudhomme:	D Mclay haz goned hoam! T Ben00t haz goned hoam!
ML Maire:	Mi new SSD haz bin delivvad! w00t! Now I c'n concentrate on teh Tour ov France agane!
NC Boardman:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe iz donin' it agane!
J Alaphilippe:	RAAAAAWWWWR!
TP Kennaugh:	He's liek a J Russell doggo!
Bethany (11:	Xept he ent tried 2 fck any1's legses! Yet…
M Rendell:	Seven (7) rid0rz onli in teh lead breakfroupfing!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack! Still ent figgad out wot T Ineo$ iz donin'! 4 sumwun havin' a bad da G Thomas iz havin' a gud da!
SD Millar:	They's tryna put sum hevvy mannas on W Kelderman J Vingegaard & Bethany's Da… R Urán! They's dropped D Gaudu, but 'e dunt signifi!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh top ov teh iconic Mon Von-2! U can't c it! Lo cloudz! Mist! Exhalationz ov teh Erth!
SD Millar:	Probly a gud thing!
N Boulting:	Châlet-Reynard! Now it gets stepe!
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe WV Aert! 2 fast 4 D Martin! Boo!
5's Mummy:	Oh bother! Still, Ai know you are somewhat tired after your efforts in the Giro!
D Martin:	fankoo Syrah!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh top ov teh iconic Mon Von-2! Now u c it, now u doan! Haha!
SD Millar:	Iconic! MOAR iconic than teh Alpe d'Huey! No harepinz! Horble but gr8!
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Thomas hav xploded!
SD Millar:	I doned a tiem-trail up 'ere once! Woz horble! Then me & B Mcgee road down 2 Carpentras & went 2 Teh Scottish Restaurant!
N Boulting:	l33t athl33tz! Iz that teh Armée up there? Walkin'? B Mollema woz chasin' teh front froup wif P Rolland but now 'e's fckd off!
P Rolland:	U big-nosed git, B Mollema!
N Boulting:	B Mollema haz 2 teme-matez in teh front froup! J Alaphilippe will not liek that!
J Alaphilippe:	RAAAAAWWWWR! \o/ Spottypwn!
Bethany (11):	Wile I h8 2 admit it, J Alaphilippe duz haz a certain je ne say kwa!
Omnes:	Crivvens! Did Bethany (11) reely just sa wot we thort she sed?
Bethany (11):	Dint ur Mums teech u 2 wash ur ears?
Omnes:	We ent gonna aks wot ur Mum teeched u, Bethany (11)!
Bethany (11):	Lyin', cheetin', nevvah 2 trust menz, orl sortsa useful lief 5k1llz!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh pelican iz on teh descant & teh breakfroupfing haz a minit on P Rolland who can't descant 4 tooffe!
SD Millar:	Gonna b horble 4 l'autobus!
N Boulting:	1 fing we nevvah c iz teh grupetto on descants!
SD Millar:	They's sikotic on descants! Iffen u set M Cavendish & J Alaphilippe off ov teh top ov teh iconic Von-2 @ teh saem tiem he'd gane 30" secondz!
J Alaphilippe:	Bof!
N Boulting:	T Martin's Dad sez 'e ent b0rked ne b0nez but haz a cut lip!
SD Millar:	Ent a v teknikle descant. But still 2 teknikle 4 P Rolland roffle!
N Boulting:	Gearz?
SD Millar:	[Tris 2 xplane gearz 2 *** agane. Fales agane.]
N Boulting:	They haz 2 go ova teh Maddy-Len 2! & it ent even categorated thus yere! WV Aert!
	[…]
SD Millar:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap DV Baarle haz recovered & iz bak @ teh front ov teh pelican!
N Boulting:	Malaucène! Pourquoi ne pas visiter Malaucène pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine? Voyez ses remparts, ses parkings, son église de style roman avec des morceaux extra-gothiques, sa piscine, ses vieux jouant à la pétanque et un gamin basané qui vole la radio dans une voiture garée!
Le Maire de Malaucène:	Bravo, ***! Voici une ëtoile d'or!
SD Millar:	Look, see! T Ineo$ r not goin' fast enuff 2 smash teh pelican! I corl thare tictacs a FAIL,
Omnes:	Torkin' ov tictacs, ware iz T Moviestar 2da?
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡ESTAMOS ESPERANDO AUMENTOS DE LOS SERES SQUASHY! +++
Pingu:	& where r teh vautours? Tcha!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap GV Laundromat haz bin et bi teh pelican! Wile teh breakfroupfing iz on teh nursri sloaps ov teh iconic Von-2!
SD Millar:	Look, see! J Bernard & LK Elissonde r settin' teh paec 4 & on behalf ov B Mollema!
N Boulting:	J Alaphilippe & WV Aert will sit in & do 0! Also, TVD Sande haz goned hoam!
Omnes:
N Boulting:	WV Aert!
SD Millar:	He c'n do cyclo-x! He sprintz! He climez! Fukn freek!
N Boulting:	A Perez haz bin dropped! Hur-hur!
SD Millar:	Shirley J Bernard cannot kepe this up 4 long? & I ent sure how much LK Elissonde c'n do neither!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Bernard hav xploded! LK Elissonde assault attack!
SD Millar:	No-1 giv chaes! Afta 'im, u tits!
	[…]
WV Aert:	OK! U want it, u got it!
B Mollema:	Piss!
J Alaphilippe:	Arse!
LK Elissonde:	Fckles! C me stick wif WV Aert!
B Mollema:	C me assault attack J Alaphilippe! Oh. Shittens!
RF Prudhomme:	V Campanile haz goned hoam!
SD Millar:	T Ineo$ r still settin' teh paec @ teh front ov teh pelican but they ent droppin' teh other podium contend0rz! Onli teh lieks ov W Poels & S Kruiswijk!
N Boulting:	TJ Visma's raec haz bin a absolute shokka up 2 2da!
SD Millar:	Look, see! J Alaphilippe hav xploded gud & proppa!
J Alaphilippe:	Yebbut @ leest iffen teh grupetto iz horse delay it ent gonna be mi fault!
WV Aert:	Bai, LK Elissonde! Ur 2 slo!
LK Elissonde:	FFS!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A Valverde haz bin dropped!
A Valverde:	¡O holai! ¿R we cloes 2 Spaign-o yet?
SD Millar:	I mite hav 2 taek bak 1 or 2 ov teh rood fings I sed about T Ineo$. Teh pelican iz gettin' smalla bi teh minit!
N Boulting:	Iffen T Pogačar doned an assault attack now, cud he catch WV Aert?
SD Millar:	Probly! [Aside] Y wud he wunt 2 done that, u div! Look, see! BO Connor iz bein' dropped!
BO Connor:	Piss!
N Boulting:	Bethany's Da… R Urán cud be up 2 2nd iffen he c'n hang on! Mite R Carapace done a assault attack?
SD Millar:	Noes. Iffen he did T Pogačar wud counter-assault attack, R Carapace wud waste nrg & 0 wud chaeng. Betta 2 tri 2 xplode W Kelderman & J Vingegaard & Bethany's Da…R Urán!
	[…]
T Pelican:	O hai, J Alaphilippe! Did u miss us!
J Alaphilippe:	C this? [Points @ self] This iz mi not-carin' faec!
SD Millar:	Naled-on staeg pwn 4 WV Aert! LK Elissonde haz no chance on teh descant!
N Boulting:	Last tiem teh Tour ov France caem here [points @ map] R Porte rode in2 a motabiek!
SD Millar:	Look, see! R Porte hav xploded! & BO Connor ent droppin' bak az kwik az I thort!
N Boulting:	B Mollema hav cort LK Elissonde!
	[…]
SD Millar:	M Kwiatkowski! Haz xploded E Mas & then hisself! T Pogačar R Carapace & Bethany's Da…
N Boulting:	…J Vingegaard assault attack! Onli T Pogačar c'n sta wif 'im!
Bethany (11):	Pack it in, u wnkr!
J Vingegaard:	Haz a go iffen u fink ur hard enuff, T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	WTF? Tho' I still haz 5 minits in hand, so I ent that wurried…
WV Aert:	\o/ Spottypwn! I'd luv 2 wate 4 u, J Vingegaard, onli I ent gonna! Descant here I come! Wheeeeeeeee!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Bethany's Da… R Urán & R Carapace haz cort T Pogačar on teh descant!
SD Millar:	Look, see! A Lutsenko & W Kelderman! 20" seconds b'hind T Pogačar & co but diff 2 maek up tiem onna descant liek this!
N Boulting:	Unless ur not J Vingegaard, who iz losin' tiem 2 both B Mollema & LK Elissonde on teh 1 hand & 2 T Pogačar Bethany's Da… R Urán & R Carapace on teh otha!
SD Millar:	Betta 2 b inna small froup on descants liek this! U c'n go fasta…
Omnes:	…unless ur WV Aert LOL!
N Boulting:	WV Aert… hoam & vigorously towellin' hisself off!
WV Aert:	[Gurns] \o/
SD Millar:	Look, see! J Vingegaard haz bin cort!
LK Elissonde:	\o/ Ta, B Mollema!
N Boulting:	Teh shinyfroup all 2getha! No tiem bonerfications, thobut, & T Pogačar pwned teh sprintette!
	[…]
G Imlach:	& now we wate 4 teh surviv0rz ov teh pelican & l'autobus!
EC Boardman:	Teh clok iz runnin'! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
WV Aert [with a face like thunder]:	Iconic! Best pwn ever! Emotional! 4 sure.
Omnes:	Iffen that's a emotional WV Aert wot duz a poker-faced WV Aert look liek?
TP Kennaugh:	TJ Visma! When they gonna support WV Aert az a GC contenda?
G Imlach:	Look, see! M Cavendish doffin' hiz hat @ teh iconic T Simpson memorial!
Omnes:	Aaaaaaaaah!
	[…]
G Imlach:	BO Connor down 2 5th in teh Gee-See! J Vingegaard 3rd & Bethany's Da… R Urán 2nd!
NC Boardman:	1st tiem we seed T Pogačar in trub, thobut!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz still a long wa 2 teh Paris & anything c'n hapn! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany (11):	OK, u creeps, ware c'n I getta T Pogačar voodoo doll?

[Mrs Pingu]

TP Kennaugh and M Rendall were pishing themselves loling at P Rolland's cock up.

Also, I haven't seen Uran being interviewed before but he went right up in my estimation today. He's a happy perky wee soul

[Pingu]

Best hope for vautours is now the Pairofknees.

[Mr Larrington]

TP Kennaugh and M Rendall were pishing themselves loling at P Rolland's cock up.

Also, I haven't seen Uran being interviewed before but he went right up in my estimation today. He's a happy perky wee soul

Must be where Bethany (11) gets her sunny nature from…

Edit: Some goon on the BBC has just called today’s stage winner “W00t Van Art”

[Mr Larrington]

I am kicking myself for missing the “Me And Bradley McGee” joke, starring Super D Millar as the narrator of the story of how he and B McGee sang the blues on the summit of Mont Ventoux

[Pingu]

Doh! The song crossed my mind but I didn't think anything more of it 

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 12: Saint-Paul-Trois-Châteaux —> Nîmes

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! TV's G Imlach here wif anotha pm ov mirth so powwaful iz aktuli illegal in Utah! Yesterda woz 4 sure a barrel ov LOLZ0RZ unless u woz a) 1 ov teh rid0rz wot had 2 gone hoam, or 2: 1 ov teh rid0rz wot didn't! L Rowe, 4 eg, who woz so far b'hind l'autobus that Le Roi Christian I maed 'im pa 4 teh road clozha!
L Rowe [via Zoom]:	It! Ent! Funneh!
EC Boardman:	Oh! Yes! It! Is! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! LOL!
L Rowe:	Wnkr!
G Imlach:	M Cavendish! Got in wif minits 2 spaer & doffed hiz hat @ teh T Simpson Memorial! Hurrah 4 BRITAIN! SK Andersen got in wif 3 (three) seconds in hand & then hiz lot lost @ foopball 2! Hahahahahaha!
SK Andersen:	Wnkr!
G Imlach:	So 2da iz a short flat 1 wif onli a 3rd cat clime 1/2 wa 2 spoil teh funz & teh snottysprint iz kwite cloes 2 teh finish! C'n M Cavendish avoid menshnin E Merckx & equal teh record ov staeg pwns! Esp now A Démare haz goned hoam, N Bouhanni kepes bein' left b'hind bi hiz so-called "teme" & WV Aert will b nackrd afta pwning teh staeg yesterda!
NC Boardman:	Yes. Yes, he can.
TP Kennaugh:	Yes. No. Maybe. He's from teh Isle ov Man!
E Merckx:	Pah! I laarrff @ ur so-called "Isle ov Man" wif its silly motabieks & kittehs wif no talez! Ha!
Omnes:	Ur deffo wurried now, ent u, Lard-o! Wnkr!
E Merckx:	I refer teh panle 2 teh rnser I gived in 2016! Also, it ent gonna hapn!
Omnes:	Wnkr! It'd be a major Roffle moment iffen M Cavendish pwns orl three four (3 4) remanin' sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE staegs & teh snottyjumper & E Merckx hadta mete 'im on teh podium in Paris Paree!
G Imlach:	It'd b such a majer sauce ov LOLZ0RZ that lolologists in New Toyland wud b able 2 here it!
Omnes:	Let us thare4 hoap this staet ov affares comez 2 pass! M Cavendish, do ur duty az a BRITON!!1!
M Cavendish:	’ang on a sec! Thare's still teh mina mater ov teh Pyra-knees b4 u c'n start menshnin', er, 'im! Teh Belgian geeza! U kno 'oo I mene…
EC Boardman:	Wot, E Merckx? Roffle!
M Cavendish:	Wnkr!
Omnes:	Wot shall b teh Word ov Teh Da 2da, G Imlach? Obv yesterda woz "iconic"…
G Imlach:	Iffen u'd pade atenshun 2 teh rest da ramblin's u'd ov herd me warnin' about teh use ov teh "I" Word… & wot did C Boardman do, eh? EH?!?!? Teh wnkr!
Omnes:	Seme liek teh WotD iz "Wnkr"!
G Imlach:	So 2da we enta Occitanie ware they spikim Occita…
EO Aquitaine:	Ooooh, naemd afta meeeeeeeeee! Iz a mangled vershun ov "Akwitane" innit! Look on mi works, ye mitey, & dispare!
Omnes:	Kewl! U doan get that weed PB Shelley on DingoVision!
T Hall [4 it iz he]:	Or iffen u do they sa iz R Kipling LOL!
TP Kennaugh:	Teh name Occitan comes from lenga d'òc ("language of òc"), òc being teh Occitan word 4 yes. Langue d'oc in French. While teh term would ov bin in use orally 4 sum tiem afta teh decline ov lat., az far az historical records sho, teh Italian medieval peot Dante woz teh 1st 2 hav recorded teh term lingua d'oc in writing. In his De vulgari eloquentia, he writted in lat., "nam alii oc, alii si, alii vero dicunt oil" ("for some say òc, others sì, yet others say oïl"), thereby highlighting three (3) major Romance literary languages wot wuz well knowed in Italy, based on each language's word 4 "yes", teh òc language (Occitan), teh oïl language (French), and teh sì language (Sicilian and Italian). This wuz not, ov course, teh onli defining characteristic ov each group. I’m from teh Isle ov Man!
EO Aquitaine:	Oh. Piss. Also, Wnkr!
Omnes:	Tiny P hav bin on Wikinaccurate agane!
TP Kennaugh:	Wnkrs!
G Imlach:	Kwik! 2 teh colemantary Sheds b4 Off-Con haz us shutted down & r mini0nz sold 4 medicle xperiments!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! That bit about Occitanie woz ded intrestin'! Niec 1, Tiny P!
SD Millar:	U gr8 ponce! [Adopts daft hi-pitched voice] Eeeeeeeew teh fr. lang. iz seeeeeeeeew interestin'! Eeeeeeeeeeew V Hugo M Proust J Brel! Wnkr!
N Boulting:	Ur a Palestinian, Super D, u, u, wnkr!
Bethany (11):	Iz thare a biek raec hapnin, u 2? Coz iffen thare iz, praps u cud tell us wot's goin' on INSTED OV JUS' CALLIN' EACH OVVA "WNKRS" 4 4 (FOUR) FUKN OURS!!1!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Ulp! Thass us tole!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wind?
SD Millar:	Wind! Also, CP Sagan haz goned hoam!
N Boulting:	No breakfroupfing yet! Wind iz spatchcock teh pelican! M Cavendish iz in teh front bit but M Mørkøv iz not!
Omnes:	Onoz!
SD Brailsford:	M Mørkøv?
M Mørkøv:	Who, me?
SD Brailsford:	Yes, u! Get ur fookin' arse bak up 2 M Cavendish or di tryin'!
M Mørkøv:	Sumtiems I h8 this job!
N Boulting:	Wind!
SD Millar:	Wind! Crazy spede! 70 (seventy) km/h! @ this raet thare ent gonna b a sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh pelican iz mostli bak 2getha agane
SD Millar:
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! We haz wif us in teh colemantary Sheds A Sayle!
A Sayle:	O hai! I mite go hoam wif 1 ov u tonite!
SD Millar:	Taek chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh!
A Sayle:	Yeah! He's teh best-lookin'! [Engages in learned discourse ov hiz biek hist.] Temes! Wot r they thinkin'? US Postal? Duz they think I's gonna go 2 USAnia & post a letta?
SD Millar:	[Explanes teme ownaship in gr8 detale]
ML Maire:	Look, see! Teh Gorges de l'Ardeche! I bin thare! It ent flat!
SD Millar:	Basques! TE Euskadi! Wudn't ware teh jumper ov teh champion ov Spaign-o iffen 1 o' they pwned it! ETA!
A Sayle:	Would ov bin a laff iffen ETA wud ov had a teme!
N Boulting:	Big strong froup 5 minits up teh road inc. J Alaphilippe EH Boson ect ect!
SD Millar:	TDQ Step ent gonna bring 'em bak!
N Boulting:	M Cavendish!
A Sayle:	"Sayle" iz a Manx naem! Thare4 I'm from teh Isle ov Man! Sort ov…
N Boulting:	J Vingegaard! Haz hiz teme supportin' 'im now! He usedta work inna fish factri!
Omnes:
SD Millar:	Cyclin'! Trad werkin' class sport!
A Sayle:	TG Hart! From teh Peeples' Republic ov Hakni!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Seeneri! Ardesh!
MV Brandenburg:	Thass ware mi armz seezed up afta 30 km inna kayak! Woz horble!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Cavendish iz bak @ teh teme car fiddlin' wif hiz shoo! E Merckx! Sum sauces sez E Merckx orter haz 35 staeg pwns coz 1 tiem he caem 3rd b'hind 2 rid0rs who woz lated disqualificated!
SD Millar:	Bof!
N Boulting:	M Cavendish willen havta wate until 2moro, onli thare mite b Wind 2moro 2. In Carcassone iz oftn Wind!
A Sayle:	I doned a fillum in Carcassone! Wif Sting & J Beals off ov Flashdance! Feminist re-imaginin' ov Teh Bried Ov Fronkensteen! Sting az Dokta F! I pla' a crool circus pwner!
N Boulting:	Woz it a bocks-offis success?
A Sayle:	Inna word, no!
N Boulting:	Cassoulet!
A Sayle:	Jus' wot u nede when iz 40 degreez outside LOL! Cathars!
N Boulting:	Super D lieks Cathars! Tell us about Cathars, Super D go on o u mite!
SD Millar:	[History]
EO Aquitaine:	Nuffink 2 do wif me!
RF Prudomme:	O hai, A Sayle!
A Sayle:	Wowsa!
D Formolo:	[Poaks earpiece] Huh? Who iz this "A Sayle" ov whom (grammer) u speke?
N Boulting:	Unpredictability! Les flics peppa-sprayin' theyselfs!
A Sayle:	A Yates bein' assault attacked bi teh Bounci Carsl ov Doom! I's gonna appli 4 a job on French TV!
N Boulting:	Sob! Spurned! Njoi ur lunch! We haz CRIIIISSSSSPSSS!
S Lee:	That woz mi routien!
N Boulting:	Kwik! 2 teh shitverts b4 thare's a comedi punch-up!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh 13-rid0r breakfroupfing haz nine (9) minits on teh pelican! Sum fast finishas, liek EH Boson & A Greipel…
Omnes:	MUNKEH!!1!
A Greipel:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	Mite get sumwun doning a assault attack b4 teh sprint0rz c'n get thare act 2getha!
SD Millar:	J Alaphilippe! BV Moer! BRAAANNNDDDYYY!
N Boulting:	Wind! & BRAAANNNDDDYYY! Here 4 ur lissenin' plezh iz omnishambles M Rendell & chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh!
M Rendell:	O hai! Mi spikim Oc! Ardesh! Hist.! Stoan Age! Caev paintinz! Grots!
TP Kennaugh:	Gruts?
M Rendell:	"Caevs" 2 u, mi sorn-off monoglot chum!
TP Kennaugh:	It ent mi folt! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
ML Maire:	Oooh, Le Pont d'Arc! Birbs also!
M Rendell:	Pidjins!
Pingu:	Bah!
	[…]
M Rendell:	WV Aert! Wot a guy!
TP Kennaugh:	Chapeau! Versatile! Mite still pwn anotha staeg! WV Aert!
Bethany (11):	FFS! Not u 2 az well
M Rendell:	Look, see! A Papier-Peinture! Up 2 3rd in teh juniorshinyjumper!
Omnes:	He's 1/2 a hour b'hind T Pogačar & J Vingegaard, u clot!
M Rendell:	[Body-swerve] C Swift!
TP Kennaugh:	Funneh ole worl' when we's torkin' ov M Cavendish & A Greipel pwnin' sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE finishs in 2021!
C Froome:	C? & when I sed A Greipel woz 'ere 2 pwn sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE staegs u laarrffed! Wnkrs!
M Rendell:	J Alaphilippe! Did u kno that J Alaphilippe's grilf iz teh 4ma Mrs T Walloper?
Omnes:	She's a dashed priti gel! Much 2 gud 4 a oik liek J Alaphilippe!
Bethany (11):	U disgust me! Smash teh patriarky!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wot manna ov froup iz this! Breakfroupfing speshlists, sprint0rz, climers!
NC Boardman:	Wind! Iz y. Shud b a talewind afta teh snottysprint but Wind mite spell trub 4 T Pogačar iffen he misses a splat pelican!
M Rendell:	EH Boson! Woz s'posed 2 b teh new E Merckx! E Merckx sed so!
M Cavendish & EH Boson [in stereo]:	Fck! Off! Wnkr!
M Rendell:	T Pogačar! Mite he b teh new E Merckx?
NC Boardman:	Given how old 'e ent, E Merckx mite b teh old T Pogačar LOL!
N Politt:	\o/ Spottypwn!
Omnes:
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd!
NC Boardman:	WV Aert! Mite he teh new E Merckx?
TP Kennaugh:	Wot about S Kelly? He's from teh Isle ov, er, Ireland!
NC Boardman:	Not so hot @ tiem-trails!
M Rendell:	[Goes off on bonkas tangent about LK Elissonde bein' stuffed in2 a suitcaes]
NC Boardman:	Look, see! D Formolo! Nommin' a hole panini in 1 mouf-full! U hazta nom normal nosh 2! 3 (three) wekes ov jells wud send u roun' teh twist! Pasties ftw!
M Rendell:	T Moviestar! Thare havin' a stinka! E Mas A Valverde!
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡NOS CONCENTRAMOS EN EL PREMIO DEL EQUIPO, IDIOTA! +++
EC Boardman:	Ur 9th & 4ty (40) minits bhind TJ Visma! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ ¡ORINAR! +++
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack! J Alaphilippe!
SD Millar:	He'll probly assault attack teh breakfroupfing jus' 4 teh LOLZ0RZ! No-1 kno wether J Alaphilippe assault attack 2 pwn teh staeg or jus' 4 shts'n'giglz!
N Boulting:	Mite teh temes ov teh podium contend0rz do assault attacks 2da! T Pogačar vunrabl in Wind!
T Pogačar:	I onli got cort out last yere coz TP Fairy stabbd mi biek!
SD Millar:	Diff 4 T Ineo$ coz L Rowe got sent hoam!
N Boulting:	Birbs! Well, ostrichs. Onna birb-farm!
Pingu:	They dunt count! We demand vautours!
N Boulting:	Look, see! N Politt & C Swift assault attack!
BV Moer:	H Sweeny?
H Sweeny:	Who, me?
BV Moer:	Yes. Yes, u! Bring back that breakfroupfing or di tryin'!
H Sweeny:	Shut it, u slag!
Omnes:	Doan, Guv! 'e's not wurf it!
5:	Yay! Horsey! w00t! Finali!
N Boulting:	Assault attack haz bin cort but soon thare will b Wind! Every1 attackin' every1 else!
SD Millar:	TL Soudal haz teh advantage, on acount ov thare bein' 2. Ov them.
N Boulting:	Paws & refroup 4 teh breakfroupfing! A Greipel?
Omnes:	MUNKEH!!1!
A Greipel:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	Wind!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 4 rid0rz goned clere S Küng H Sweeny I Erviti & N Politt! They haz 30" seconds!
SD Millar:	Iffen teh lead0rz get cort BV Moer will b off liek a wossname!
N Boulting:	Teh 4 lead0rz r aktuli workin' 2getha!
SD Millar:	Onli hoap 4 teh chas0rz iz iffen teh lead0rz start tittin' about!
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Ineo$ tri 2 taek lede ov pelican!
T Pogačar:	Oh! No! U! Don't! Wnkrs!
T Ineo$:	Yoicks! Thass us tole!
N Politt:	\o/ Snottypwn!
N Boulting:	Mite we c S Colbrelli sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 4 teh remanin' snottypoints?
SD Millar:	U c'n count on it! S Colbrelli iz bhind J Philipsen in teh snottycomp, but onli bi 4 (four) pts.
	[…]
N Boulting:	TaleWind!
SD Millar:	Gotta b caerful! Iffen u get dropped ur fckd! Teh chaes froup iz alredi fckd!
N Boulting:	Teh yungstas rekn they'll get fasta ova teh Tour ov France wile teh oldgitz kno they, er, won't!
SD Millar:	& they doan rekn on watin' yeres b4 they pwn a staeg! Look, see! H Sweeny ent watin'! S Küng dropped!
N Boulting:	I Erviti dropped 2! Oh. He haz cort up agane! Menewile, no-1 in teh pelican c'n b arsed 2 sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 4 teh snottypoints…
SD Millar:	Look, see! T Moviestar goned 2 teh front ov teh pelican! Wile they haz a rid0r in teh lead froup… Oooh! Assault attack bi N Politt!
N Boulting:	H Sweeny & I Erviti nede 2 work 2getha!
SD Millar:	Flat out liek hell orl teh wa now! No MOAR climes!
Omnes:	FOREIGN climes ba-dumm TISH?
SD Millar:	Get! Out!
N Boulting:	Nîmes! Gr8 plaec 2 visit on ur holibobs! See teh Roman arkytekcha, teh Ponggg du Gard & orl sorts ov gud Stuffs!
Le Maire de Nîmes:	Y u not done it in Français, ***?
N Boulting:	No tiem…
N Politt:	\o/ w00t!
I Erviti:	P2!
H Sweeny:	Fckles!
S Küng:	Gagh! Still, gud practiec 4 teh tiem-trail!
E Merckx:	LOL!
	[Very l8r]
French TV:	Wile we wate 4 teh pelican, here r sum soopa slomo shots ov N Politt pokin' out hiz tung!
Omnes:	Eeeeeeeeewww!
N Boulting:	Wile we wate 4 teh pelican, teh wether 4cast 4 2moro iz 4 MOAR Wind!
M Cavendish:	\o/ Points mene prieziz, kidz!
	[…]
N Politt:	Unbleevable! A dreme! Unbleevable!
TP Kennaugh:	Aloud 2 assault attack becoz CP Sagan goned hoam!
N Boulting:	He cud ov pwned teh staeg even iffen he dint assault attack becoz he wuz teh bestest sprint0r in teh breakfroupfing 2!
A Greipel:	I dispute ur analysis, ***!
Omnes:	MUNKEH!!1!
A Greipel:	I h8 u all!

[Mr Larrington]

No menshun ov teh nutter isn’t the flop flips? I mean he is pwning teh Tour without teh nedez ov teh taem doubledeckers nor nuffin.

He’s finally attracted the attention of TV's D Friebe on tonight’s highlights show.  Though he’s not just any random nutter but rather a pro for TEFE Hippo.  Currently in Andorra.

[Pingu]

I'm teh Sweeny and I ain't had my gel yet - you're nicked!

[Mr Larrington]

I'm teh Sweeny and I ain't had my gel yet - you're nicked!

 

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 13: Nîmes —> Carcassone

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! I am TV's G Imlach, teh fellow ov fellow ov infinite jest, ov most excellent fancy! Will teh Quill had me in mind when he writted "Spamalot: Prince Ov LOLness". Here [points vaguely southwards] iz teh Tour ov France! Long flat 1 2da. 1 ickle clime in teh middle. Mite 2da b teh da M Cavendish ect ect?
NC Boardman [wif a gloomi air]:	Wind! Teh 4cast sez less ov it'n yesterda but it lies. Will b foul xwinds teh hole lieulong da & in ne caes no-1 will help TDQ Step bring bak teh inevitable breakfroupfing! I wudn't b surprizd 2 c frogz, fiery hale & 4 (four) blokes on horseys bein' a fkn nuisance 2!
EC Boardman:	Spot on! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
TP Kennaugh:	Warez ur optimism? Ur sens ov BRITISHNESS? Ur "we c'n do this" attit00d? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany (11):	Lissen, u chirpy Manx idiot, iffen I wunt a pep-tork off ov Bloody Stupid Johnson I kno ware 2 find 'im!
Omnes:	In teh fridge? Musteek? De…["comment concerning J Arcuri removed on teh adviec ov teh leagle dept." – Ed.]?
Bethany (11):	Eeeeeeeew! Plz 2 pass teh mind bleech!
NC Boardman:	There ent nevvah bin a mass sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE in Carcass-1 b4!
TP Kennaugh:	There ent nevvah bin a long flat 1 finishin' in Carcass-1 b4 neiver!
G Imlach:	Teh chirpy Manx idiot may haz a pt, Niec C!
NC Boardman:	I's still xpektin' a darknis 2 covvah teh Erth, teh c 2 boil dri & a 2-headed calf 2 b born near Hereford! Iz teh End Tiems! O woe!
Omnes:	Stone me, Eeyore, wot did u nom 4 brekko 2da? Gruts?
TP Kennaugh:	I liek gruts, me! Gruts fried in butta! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Omnes:	That xplane a lot, liek 4 eg y ur onli 4'7" long LOL!
TP Kennaugh:	I h8 u all!
G Imlach:	3 hoapless stooges 3 and a 1/2 minits on teh pelican. 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	O hai! We haz had teh spottyclime, wot woz pwnd bi P Latour. TDQ Step on teh front natch but TA Fenix helpin'. Wot iz a surpries.
SD Millar:	Obv J Philipsen fanci hiz chances.
N Boulting:	In teh breakfroupfing iz teh a4menshnd P Latour also O Goldstein & S Bennett. No, teh USAnian S Bennett! M Cavendish sez he ent warin' a skinsoot coz teh Eh-Ess-Oh ent got 1!
Omnes:	Teh big divvi divvos!
N Boulting:	Iz teh folt ov S Bennett! No, teh Irelandish S Bennett. Last yere 'e tole teh Eh-Ess-Oh that 'e dint wunt 1!
SD Millar:	Teh big divvi divvo!
N Boulting:	Presh iz on M Cavendish! Iffen 'e dunt pwn teh staeg 2da thare's onli staeg 19 & teh Chomps-Elizy left & doan menshn E Merckx!
SD Millar:	Teh meeja iz bein' kwite gud @ not menshnin' E Merckx.
N Boulting:	Environment! Carbon! Bricks! Isoglass Garden Wood!
Omnes:	U spiek hiz covfefe this a.m., Super D?
N Boulting:	Noes! I woz torkin about that buildin' [points] wot woz repurpos'd az a reservwah! Much MOAR betterer 4 teh env. than nockin' it down & makin' a noo 1!
SD Millar:	Gosh! Iz enuff 2 driev a Super D 2 drink!
	FX: Running boots
N Boulting:	Gud idea! Tiem 4 shitverts & then teh swivl-eyed loonz' freeki oddball M Rendell!
	[…]
M Rendell:	O hai! Scorchio! No wind!
EC Boardman:	Piss!
TP Kennaugh:	We luv torkin' about Wind! Speshli on teh Isle ov Man!
M Rendell:	Yesterda woz teh 1st top 5 finish 4 TL Soudal & T Moviestar.
TP Kennaugh:	Iz straeng 4 T Moviestar…
Omnes:	Iz thare AI from teh Isle ov Man?
T Moviestar's AI:	+++ SÉ QUE HE TOMADO DECISIONES MUY MALAS RECIENTEMENTE, PERO PUEDO ASEGURARLES QUE MI TRABAJO VOLVERÁ A LA NORMALIDAD. TODAVÍA TENGO EL MAYOR ENTUSIASMO Y CONFIANZA EN LA MISIÓN +++
M Rendell:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M White!
M White:	O hai! TDQ Step ent gonna b able 2 control teh breakfroupfing & iffen they tri no-1 will help 'em! 4 sure they's gonna tri 2 get sumwun in teh breakfroupfing!
NC Boardman:	U corled that 1 rong, M White, roffle!
D Friebe:	Iz troo dat TB Xchaeng r ridin' in teh mntns 2 'limin8 M Cavendish?
M White:	No. Ent us settin' teh paec in teh mntns!
Omnes:	Yeah, rite…
D Friebe:	T Pogačar? Vunrable in teh mntns?
M White:	No. No, not rly!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	O hai! Skinsoot repreeze! Ent no-1 gonna work wif us but we haz r SEEKRIT wep'n in J Alaphilippe!
NC Boardman:	Well, that aged well LOL!
NC Boardman:	Wind! But onli 20 km/h!
EC Boardman:	Boo! Nede 30 km/h 2 maek it intrestin'! Oh yes!
M Rendell:	R Chabon! He's a wind tunnel njineer!
NC Boardman:	I liek 'im alredi!
M Rendell:	Look, see! Iz teh snottysprint!
O Goldstein:	\o/ OK, so it ent much but it paze 4 dinna!
	[2 and a 1/2 minit l8r]
S Colbrelli:	\o/
	[…]
M Rendell:	Teh breakfroupfing haz 3 minits agane!
NC Boardman:	Teh pelican doan wanna catch teh breakfroupfing 2 kwik in caes anuvva breakfroupfing haz a go!
M Rendell:	J Vinyagol! J Vingagor! J Vinggygo!
Omnes:	Here's a ideer: aks J Vingegaard how 2 sa "Vingegaard"!
M Rendell:	Mi spikim Dansk! Mi blong sieg heil! Look, see! Teh pelican iz in teh villij ware a armi ov hedgepigs led bi St Martha saw off a monsta corled "La Tarasque"!
NC Boardman:	[Helpless laarrffter]
Omnes:	That woz in Tarascon, M Rendell, wot teh staeg dun go anyware neer! U div!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hapnd!
Bethany (11):	Wot, agane?
TP Kennaugh:	Shorta sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE staegs! Not so mani 250 km 1s wot send us 2 slepe! U cudn't haz a 250 km staeg on teh Isle ov Man! U'd fall in teh c!
Omnes:	U c'n get in teh c, Tiny P!
Bethany (11):	I wanna hear MOAR about teh armi ov hedgepigs!
NC Boardman:	Guess ware St Martha comed from?
Bethany (11):	Poobums 2 sili ole St Martha! I! Wunt! Hedgepigs!!1!
NC Boardman:	She wuz from… Bethany!
Bethany (11):	Pull teh otha 1, Niec C! Iz got bellz on!
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack! Teh breakfroupfing now onli haz 2 minit wile we haz in teh colemantary Sheds J Torode, wot iz a sheff!
J Torode:	Rubbish!
SD Millar:	Hard 2 beleev that teh rid0rz useta jus' chuck it in teh bushs!
J Torode:	Wether!
N Boulting:	Funneh this yere! PT Voeckler sed teh Alpses woz teh most horble he c'n rememba & he doned 15 Tours ov Frances!
Bethany (11):	Teh dirti caaaah! LOL!
SD Millar:	Cyclin' in Orztrylia?
J Torode:	When I wuz a nippa it wunt a big fing. No-1 had herd ov P Anderson & hiz teef & teh motons woz a bunch ov ["disagreeable people" – Ed.]!
N Boulting:	Also, warin' LycraTM & shavin' ur legses wuz 4 poofters!
Bethany (11):	That's not v. woak, ***! Cut 2 teh shitverts wile I cloo u in on teh zetgeist wif this big lump ov wood!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Since J Torode iz a sheff we shall speke ov food! Cassoulet!
J Torode:	[Fassinatin' Stuffs on soopa-hot nosh in Abroad, ware teh FOREIGNS come from]
N Boulting:	Malaysia!
J Torode:	[Fassinatin' Stuffs on Malaysia]
N Boulting:	France!
J Torode:	Still numbawan! Xept teh motawa serviecs, wot iz sht teh world ova!
SD Millar:	Temes havin' teh own sheffs iz a recent fing. In mi da teh food wuz sht!
J Torode:	Sportsbodz iz a Rubbish @ cookin'! They rekn iz just fuel! Tell 'em about flava & they go mad!
N Boulting:	Hoapfulli we's gonna b bak in France next yere! Niec local food!
SD Millar:	& wine! Hic!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap P Gilbert haz assault attacked teh pelican wile S Bennett haz bin dropped bi teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	TDQ Step in jenrl & K Asgreen in p'ticula iz clozin' 'em down thobut!
N Boulting:	Chute! Big chute @ teh bak ov teh pelican!
SD Millar:	T Declercq! Hit a post! Looks b0rked! T Declercq, that iz. Teh post iz OK. W Poels!
N Boulting:	Crivvens! Thass a big 'ole wot sum ov them haz fell in! SK Andersen!
SD Millar:	S Yates!
N Boulting:	Opportuniti 2 splat teh pelican!
SD Millar:	Reboot!
N Boulting:	Ambulants! O Goldstein assault attack P Latour! Oh. He haz bin cort!
SD Millar:	TDQ Step still control teh remanes ov teh pelican but lotsa assault attacks!
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Declercq iz bak on hiz biek!
SD Millar:	He ent gonna catch up now thobut!
N Boulting:	Pelican haz calmd down. J Alaphilippe restoer orda!
SD Millar:	O Goldstein & P Latour cont. 2 assault attack each uvva!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap O Goldstein & P Latour haz gived up! 24 rid0rz in a gruppetto inc. N Bouhanni G Thomas TD Gendt TG Hart R Porte & 1 or 2 otha big naems! R Kluge haz goned hoam! TL Soudal down 2 4 (four) rid0rz!
R Kluge:	Bah! No 2nd lantirn rooj 4 me!
N Boulting:	Minerve! Pourquoi ne pas visiter Minerve pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine? Voyez ses gorges pittoresques, ses toits de terre cuite, ses fascinantes ruelles étroites, ses vignes pleines de raisins et SK Andersen couché dans un fossé!
Le Maire de Minerve:	Merci, ***!
SD Millar:	Onoz! S Yates haz goned hoam! No staeg pwn in teh Pyra-knees 4 u, S Yates!
S Yates:	Fckles! yeh.
N Boulting:	Look, see! Q Pacher haz doned a long 1! He haz 20" seconds on teh pelican!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap M Cavendish doned a biek chaeng!
Omnes:	Onoz!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Biek chaeng 4 J Philipsen 2! Q Pacher haz 50" seconds. J Bakelite assault attack teh pelican!
Bethany (11):	Oink! Oink! Wnkr!
N Boulting:	TDQ Step 2 teh 4 agane!
SD Millar:	L Hamilton haz also goned hoam! Bad da 4 TB Xchaeng!
M Cavendish:	Pardon me iffen I doan shed a tear!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap Q Pacher's lede iz 40" seconds, Bethany (11)'s fave J Bakelite haz bin cort & no MOAR shitverts!
Omnes:	Yay!
N Boulting:	J Alaphilippe on teh front! Tri 2 do a repete ov whenevvah it woz that they doned it b4! Chute! S Henao C Barbero! Not 2 srs, mind.
Omnes:	WTF? J Alaphilippe haz practicli stopt!
N Boulting:	Biek prob?
SD Millar:	I rekn he's xploded!
J Alaphilippe:	I ATE'NT DED!
Q Pacher:	Bah! Nommed bi teh mitey beek ov teh pelican!
SD Millar:	Wind!
EC Boardman:	Oh, I do hoap so!
SD Millar:	Look, see! Teh pelican haz splat & J Alaphilippe iz in teh bak 1/2!
Omnes:	Arse!
TP Fairy:	O hai! O hai, S Küng! Stabbity-stab!
S Küng:	Shittens!
SD Millar:	2da teh ushul 3 km wossname haz bin xtended 2 4.5 km 2 avoid teh horble mess we had in teh 1st weke!
N Boulting:	TJ Visma @ teh front!
SD Millar:	WV Aert up teh paec!
M Cavendish:	Y ent u nackered afta teh Von-2, WV Aert, u git?
ML Maire:	[Chews finganales]
N Boulting:	4.5 km. Teh Gee-Cee temes c'n relax a bit!
SD Millar:	Iz come soon a teknikle bit. Onli we dunt kno kwite how teknikle it iz! Look, see! Carcassone!
M Cavendish:	Iz onli a model! Haz ne-1 seen M Mørkøv? I kepe losin' 'im!
Omnes:	Concentrate, M Cavendish!
ML Maire:	Evry tiem I c S Colbrelli from teh front I fink iz M Cavendish!
N Boulting:	TDQ Step trane 2 teh front!
SD Millar:	Windin' up…
M Cavendish:	\o/ YES!!1! FUKN YES!!1! Pure hist., man! Fck yeah!
Omnes:	This ^^^^!
ML Maire:	I fink I's got sumfink in mi eye!
5's Mummy:	Ai will forgive you for your language just this once, M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	fankoomissispoulidorfanshaw!
G Imlach:	I's lost 4 LOLZ0RZ!
	[…]
M Cavendish:	So 'ard! Nackered! 'ard! [Avoids menshnin' E Merckx]
N Boulting:	Comparisons wif E Merckx r invidius but… Yay! Go M Cavendish!
SD Millar:	Gr8 temework bi TDQ Step! Kep' thare headz when orl around woz losin' thares!
EO Aquitaine:	Nuffink 2 do wif me!
D Friebe:	O hai, M Mørkøv!
M Mørkøv:	O hai! Amazin'! Xperience! 1 staeg pwn wud ov bin gud! 4 iz a dreme 4 sure! Yay!
	[…]
G Imlach:	M Cavendish & E Merckx! Manx chork & Belgian cheez!
NC Boardman:	Wot priec a M Cavendish pwn on teh Chomps-Elizy? Tho…
G Imlach:	…iz teh Pyra-knees 2moro! Not 2 horble but iz still a long wa 2 go & anything c'n hapn!

[Mrs Pingu]

The Tarasque kept me amused for ages.

[Mr Larrington]

They had to have a shitvert break after that story or Nice C Boardman would have corpsed.  While St. Martha (of Bethany) is credited with having seen off la Tarasque I haven’t been able to find a mention of her Pricklepig Army anywhere else.  I am starting to suspect M Rendell of Making It Up…

I don’t think she looked like this either:

[Beardy]

I don’t think anybody looks or looked like that. Ever.

[Mr Larrington]

I think there’s someone not dissimilar – albeit with about 500% more makeup – who crops up during the shitvert breaks on the live coverage.  On the bit exhorting us to watch Fuck Island.

[Mr Larrington]

TV's M Rendell has recently informed us that Pierre Rolland is a French Frenchman with a French name

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 14: Carcassone —> Quillan

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! TV's G Imlach, wot iz me innit, bring u another da ov wurrrld-beating comedi & occashunl bitz ov biek racin'! M Cavendish!
NC Boardman:	M Cavendish!
TP Kennaugh:	M Cavendish!
EO Aquitaine:	M Cavendish!
Bethany (11):	M CAVENDISH!
Bethany's Mum:	Shut it, Bef'ny, u l'il caaaaaah! I's gotta headake!
Omnes:	Teh rozzas let ur Mum out then, Bethany (11)?
Bethany:	Yeah. Fck mi luck!
E Merckx [via EddyPost]:	Pah! So zis M Cavendish haz pwned 34 (thirty-four) staegs ov teh Tour ov France! I pwned this also! I pwned mntn staegs, I pwned sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE staegs, I pwned tiem-trails! I pwned teh shinyjumper on ninety-siz (96) das, I pwned teh snottyjumper 3 (three) tiems, I pwned teh Roy ov teh Rovers Mntns two (two) tiems & teh onli reezn I dint pwn teh juniorshinyjumper woz coz it wunt invented! I pwned teh hole Tour ov France five (5) tiems! I's a Baron bi Royal Decree, wif devise Post Proelia Premia, a commander ov teh Legion ov Honour, a Officer in teh Order ov Leopold II & a Knigget in teh Order ov Merit ov teh Italian Republic. So I sa "Yarbles" 2 ur so-called "M Cavendish MBE"! Also, he disrispektd teh Wu-Tang Clan!
Omnes:	Oooooh! Tetchy!!1!
Bethany (11):	I smells sumfink! Sniff sniff! Sheeps? Horseys? No, it deffo comed out ov a cow'z bum! Also, teh Wu-Tang Clan r a Rubbish!
E Merckx:	[Speechless]
G Imlach:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish!
M Cavendish:	O hai! Mind iffen I aks u a kwestion, D Friebe, seein' az how u writted a hole bok about E Merckx?
D Friebe:	No. Go ahed.
M Cavendish:	Wot's teh "Wu-Tang Clan"? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
D Friebe:	Not a scooby. I'll aks a xpert…
	FX: series ov beeping noises, old-skool split-flap railway destination board, series ov heavy thumps, water running down a drain
Bethany (11):	Teh Wu-Tang Clan iz a USAnian hip hop froup 4med on Staten Island, New York City, in 1992. Teh original members include RZA, GZA, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God & Masta Killa. Close affiliate Cappadonna later became an official member. Teh Wu-Tang Clan iz regarded az a hily influential froup in hip hop, helpin' 2 popularize & develop teh East Coast hip hop & hardcore hip hop styles. Also, they's a Rubbish.
Omnes:	It wurries us that u possess this in4mation, Bethany (11)!
Bethany (11):	Chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh ent teh onli person roun' 'ere wot kno how 2 look sht up on teh Internets! U wudn't catch me lissenin' 2 s'posed adults bangin' on about drugz & probly thare "bitches” & "hos" 2!
Omnes:	Bethany (11) nah pop nah style! She strickli roots! Roffle!
Bethany (11):	Gimme little bass, make m'wine up m'waist & doan u 4get it!
M Cavendish:	I ent nevvah disrispektd 'em! How c'n I when I ent nevvah herd ov 'em? E Merckx is torkin' out 'iz ["hat" – Ed.]!
D Friebe:	I writted a bok about E Merckx & I ent nevvah herd ov 'im bein' a phan ov Eesti Coast Hippity Hoppo! I tags this az [dubious – discuss]!
EO Aquitaine:	C'n I jus' sa that I haz absolutli no ideer wot u lot iz torkin' about? But it sounds treeznus. Headz may roll.
G Imlach:	Haz u lot finished? A biek raec iz about 2 brake out… Kwik! 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	O hai! Teh Pyra-knees! SK Andersen & W Barguil haz goned hoam!
Bethany (11):	Nooooooooooo!
N Boulting:	We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, M Cavendish! Hang on, ent we doned this b4?
M Cavendish:	O hai! Gonna b 'ard!
N Boulting:	U & chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh seme certin that M Cavendish will get orl teh wa 2 Paris Paree!
SD Millar:	Yes. Yes, he will. Tho M Matthews & S Colbrelli willen hav 2 assault attack teh snottysprints jus' in caes 'e dunt!
TP Fairy:	O hai! O hai, G Thomas! O hai, I Izaguirre! Stabbity stab! StabEEEEEEEE!
G Thomas & Izaguirre [in stereo]:	Piss!
D Friebe:	O hai, TD Gendt!
TD Gendt:	O hai! 4 sure iz a ded cert 4 a breakfroupfing but about 80 rid0rz will wunt 2 b in it. Will be 'ard 4 sure! We will c wot hapns! Iffen onli mi bff T Wellens woz 'ere…
C Prudhomme:	[Waevs fleg] Go pla in teh hillz, u petril-sniffin' Bogomils!
N Boulting:	Iz teh TD Gendt ov 2da not teh saem az teh TD Gendt ov old?
SD Millar:	No. No, he iz not. MOARS teh pitty!
	[Much tittin' about wile a breakfroupfing tri 2 4m]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh Tour ov France haz doned 2222.2 km!
Omnes:
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Declercq iz in trub alredi!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Declercq!
T Declercq:	O hai! Had betta das than yesterda. Thobut I had worse 2 LOL! We will c wot hapns!
SD Millar:	Iz this a breakfroupfing I c b4 me? WV Aert M Teunissen S Kruiswijk TD Gendt F Wright S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
N Boulting:	I ratha think it iz!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh putative breakfroupfing haz bin cort!
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	O hai! Boo 2 teh commissaires 4 yesterda's chutey-bang-bang! Props 2 M Cavendish! Woo! Mind u, 'e wiz a horble lickle chavvi charver when I 1st met 'im! Drove a barryboi Corsa roffle!
N Boulting:	Look, see! 3 (three) rid0rz haz ten" seconds! M Mohoric Q Pacher J Alaphilippe! Burnin' matchs liek a bord teenager!
SD Millar:	WV Aert I Schelling chaes! But 2 0 avale…
N Boulting:	Teh embrionik breakfroupfing haz bin cort! Bah!
SD Millar:	Teh fethery arse ov teh pelican iz suffrin'! T Declercq TD Gendt DV Poppel…
Omnes:	Woz u & ur bruv on teh grog last nite, DV Poppel, liek Bethany’s Mum? [Sings] He drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink, e sings teh songs wot remind him ov teh good tiems, he sings teh songs wot remind him ov teh best times. Oh Danny Boy, Danny Boy, Danny Boy!
DV Poppel:	Fck! Off!
SD Millar:	Woz that J Brel, ***?
N Boulting:	Woz teh Wu-Tang Clan!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Finali we haz brakes! K Sbaragli 40" seconds ahed ov M Chevalier & A Turgid, who iz ahed ov T Skoonch & J Rickaert, who iz ahed ov teh pelican. Orl fakts korekt @ tiem ov goin' 2 press…
SD Millar:	I doan rekn thass teh definitiv breakfroupfing thobut!
N Boulting:	Despondency on .fr TV. .fr rid0rz iz havin' a rubbish raec. No T Pinot no R Bardet; A Démare & W Barguil goned hoam! Even J Alaphilippe dunt maek up 4 that!
Omnes:	LOL &, moreover, roffle!
N Boulting:	Pelican not lettin' up!
SD Millar:	Elastic!
N Boulting:	K Asgreen! He's a aminal! Orl over teh staeg yesterda & now he's donin' it agane!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh five (5) rid0rz off ov teh front iz orl 2getha & 40" seconds ahed. Pelican continue 2 lornch futile assault attacks.
SD Millar:	Normal peops wud wate 4 teh 1st categorated clime. J Alaphilippe ent normal…
N Boulting:	We iz joind bi chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh! Let joi be unconfined!
TP Kennaugh:	J Alaphilippe! 'e's a Gee-See rid0r wifout bein' a Gee-See rid0r, iffen that maeks ne sense! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	It dunt! Come, Super D! Let us awa 2 teh pubbe! Here 4 ur lissenin' plezh iz clevvahclogz M Rendell!
M Rendell:	O hai! Mi blong sieg heil! T Skwinch! Road-raec champion ov Latvia until 1/2 wa thru last yere's Tour ov France!
TP Kennaugh:	Iffen teh Lats wud ov had thare raec onna rest da T Skrunch cud ov nippd hoam & doned it!
Omnes:	But 'e dint, coz 'e ent from teh Isle ov Man…
K Sbaragli:	\o/ Spottypwn!
T Skujins:	Onoz! I's on teh telly. & I bet them Ing colemantators still ent decided on how 2 spik mi naem…
	[…]
M Rendell:	Teh 5 stooges iz still awa. Not rilly a proppa staeg-o-Pyra-knees!
NC Boardman:	MOAR a sort ov horse derv!
M Rendell:	Saem rid0rz kepe tryin' 2 assault attack…
TP Kennaugh:	…& falin' liek Grayling! Look, see! M Cavendish! Goin' well considerin' teh mntns!
Omnes:	These ent mntns, Tiny P, u div!
TP Kennaugh:	M Cavendish sez 'e ent gonna retier coz 'e luvs ridin' 's biek!
NC Boardman:	Well, that & a cupple ov milli0n quidz LOL!
Omnes:	Ooooh, u cynic, Niec C!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Look, see! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! Donin', er, 0.
NC Boardman:	I, TV's Niec C Boardman, decree that teh breakfroupfing shall b cort shortli afta teh snottysprint!
M Rendell:	P Rolland! A French Frenchman with a French naem!
Omnes:
M Rendell:	Teh breakfroupfing iz about 2 b cort! D Devenyns haz bridged teh gap!
D Devenyns:	Rob sum snottypoints off ov M Matthews & S Colbrelli innit!
K Sbaragli:	\o/ Snottypwn!
	[…]
M Rendell:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap V Nibbles haz goned off teh front. In teh big chaesfroupfing iz K Asgreen V Nibbles…
V Nibbles:	I's chasin' miself? Oi, Vsquared? Ware u get this div, fkn Poundland?
NC Boardman:	I aks miself teh saem kwestion onna hourli basis! Not that it matta, V Nibbles, becoz u haz cort urself!
M Rendell:	Look, see! A l'autobus iz 4min'!
NC Boardman:	Onna a staeg liek this l'autobuses c'n 4m, catch up, r4m ect ect.
EC Boardman:	Or not. Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
M Rendell:	Radio Free Prudhomme iz tellin' teh helichopter pilot 2 bugga off! I wuz once on teh U-23 Tour ov Azerbaijan when a gert big militri helichopter destroyed teh podium roffle!
NC Boardman:	Wot a xotic lief u lede, M Rendell! Teh Tour ov Azerbaijan 4 teh Unda-5s!
M Rendell:	Wile we wuz wibblin' about helichopterz, iz a bunch ov tuough climers off ov teh front M Kitteh-Neo W Poels & M Woods eh! 40" seconds… M Woods eh's nanni iz a I Montoya N Quintana fangrrl!
Omnes:
W Poels:	\o/ Spottypwn!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz this teh definitiv breakfroupfing, Niec C? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
NC Boardman:	Onli iffen teh froups out front get 2getha & maek a breakfroupfing ov about 10. Look, see! A bona-fide loonspud donin' wate-tranin' on top ov a ruint carsle on top ov a mntn!
Omnes:
M Rendell:	Finali .fr TV iz tell us who iz teh chaes0rz: G Martin S Higuita E [“Poisonous term” – Ed.]es O Fraile L Minkies B Mollema & P Konrad! M Kitteh-Neo sumware in btwene them & W Poels & M Woods eh @ teh front.
	[…]
N Boulting:	We're baaaaack! Soon iz comin' teh Col ov teh Cross ov DETH!
SD Millar:	Iz that bi teh Wu-Tang Clan, ***?
N Boulting:
SD Millar:	Look, see! TUAE Emirates drivin' teh pelican ratha fasta'n it caer 2 go!
M Cavendish:	Pack it in, u gits!
N Boulting:	Mite T Pogačar aktuli done a assault attack 2da?
SD Millar:	Mite do! 'e's bonkas enuff!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Kitteh-Neo hav cort M Woods eh & W Poels! P Rolland & Q Pacher assault attack teh pelican!
SD Millar:	Orl teh folt ov TUAE Emirates! Tryin' 2 hard. No-1 else haz teh nrg 2 chaes!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Teh seven (7) chaes0rz ent makin' ne impreshun on teh lead0rz, tho wile u woz bein' sold crap É "TF" Gesbert & V Madouas hav also fled teh mitey beek ov teh pelican.
SD Millar:	V Madouas & É "TF" Gesbert haz cort Q Pacher & P Rolland, teh French Frenchman wif teh French naem!
M Woods:	\o/ Spottypwn eh!
W Poels:	Arse!
M Woods:	I's comin' 2 rob ur jumper eh, I Montoya N Quintana!
SD Millar:	Teh grupetto iz 8 minits down. N Bouhanni iz not in it, becoz he iz anotha 7 minits back & on his own!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh 7 chaes0rz haz cort teh lead0rz! W Poels iz havin' verbals wif M Woods eh!
M Woods:	Wot did he just eh?
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd.
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates still draggin' teh pelican @ sili spede! Wuffo they do that?
N Boulting:	Iffen T Pogačar assault attacks teh Gee-See contend0rz it'll demorlize J Vingegaard in jenral & teh hole pelican in partickla!
SD Millar:	N Bouhanni iz losin' MOAR tiem & iz probly goin' hoam!
N Bouhanni:	I's gonna find mi so-corled "teme" this pm & punch Evry! Singl! 1! Ov! Them! In! Teh! Faec! Wnkrs!
N Boulting:	Ware iz Evil C Boardman & hiz l33t maffs 5k1llz when we nede 'em?
SD Millar:	31 minits accordin' 2 teh WWX Lackey!
N Boulting:	Iz mi imaginashun or iz W Poels suffrin'? Or iz 'e thinkin' ov teh staeg pwn?
W Poels:	\o/ Spottypwn! LOL @ *** & Super D!
M Woods:	Piss eh!
N Boulting:	Look liek TUAE Emirates haz finali stopt 4cin' teh paec!
T Pelican:	About fkn tiem! Wnkrs!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap M Woods eh felled off ov hiz biek!
M Woods:	Owwwwwww eh!
SD Millar:	2 teh gr8 surpries ov absolutli no-1 teh rest ov teh breakfroupfing iz unsympathetic!
N Boulting:	Look, see! M Woods nearli felled off ov hiz biek agane!
SD Millar:	Vishus cycle!
TD Gendt:	No, that's mi biek LOL!
N Boulting:	Teh WWX Lackey hav revised hiz estimate ov teh tiem limit. 40 minits? N Bouhanni mite not b gonin' hoam afta all…
SD Millar:	Soon iz come ickle uncategorated clime on wich (grammer) ne sensible person mite done a assault attack!
B Mollema:	I ent watin' that long! Bai!
N Boulting:	M Woods eh haz cort bak up thobut!
M Woods:	I h8 this eh!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap B Mollema haz 30" seconds over teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	Teh rest ov teh breakfroupfing iz still playin' nicely thobut.
N Boulting:	G Martin iz inna virtual podium plaec! Y TJ Visma or T Ineo$ not help chaes?
TJ Visma:	It ent liek G Martin iz gonna sta ahed in teh proppa mntns!
N Boulting:	Evil C Boardman sez 47'15" tiem limit 2da & haz goned 4 a cri roffle! B Mollema haz a minit on teh breakfroupfing!
SD Millar:	Spottyjumper competishn hottin' up! I Montoya N Quintana ent gonna get ne spottypoints 2da. W Poels or M Woods eh will pwn teh jumper 2da & B Mollema iz comin' up on teh outsied!
Omnes:	Get in, bignose!
B Mollema:	I h8 u all!
	[On teh Col de Saint-Louis…]
N Boulting:	B Mollema still haz MOAR than a minit & TEFE Hippo haz woak up 2 teh fret ov G Martin!
SD Millar:	Iffen B Mollema c'n sta ahed @ teh top ov teh clime he's got this 1 in teh bag!
N Boulting:	Gets ded stepe afta 1 km, this clime!
SD Millar:	Teh proppa climers r hittin' teh front! S Higuita!
N Boulting:	B Mollema ova teh stepe bit & iz ganin' agane!
SD Millar:	Wonda wetha R Carapace or Bethany's Da… R Urán mite haz a pop?
N Boulting:	M Kitteh-Neo pullin' B Mollema bak, but probly not kwik enuff!
B Mollema:	\o/ Spottypwn!
M Woods:	P2 eh! I c'n haz spottyjumper!
N Boulting:	Teh raec 4 teh mina Gee-See plaecs mite haz 2 wate 4 anotha da. That da iz probly 2moro LOL. Liek 2da but longa, harda & MOAR horble'n 2da!
SD Millar:	B Mollema haz this staeg in hiz pocketses…
Omnes:	Get in, B Mollema!
N Boulting:	G Martin shud b 30" or 40" seconds ahed ov Bethany's Da… R Urán on Gee-See iffen 0 hapns!
Bethany (11):	Allo? TP Fairy? I haz a job 4 u…
B Mollema:	\o/ Yay! Go me!
M Kitteh-Neo:	w00t! That orter put me in teh Top 10 (Ten)!
	[Kwite a lot l8]
N Boulting:	G Martin mite have 2 minits ova J Vingegaard R Carapace & Bethany's Da… R Urán
TUAE Emirates:	C us roll across teh finish not even pretendin' 2 tri…
	[…]
B Mollema:	Soopa happi! Soopa niec! Soopa hard da! Soopa happi! Full gas! Teme did a gr8 job!
G Imlach:	G Martin iz indede up 2 2nd wif a minit & 14" seconds ova Bethany's Da… R Urán! We sent ect ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, G Martin!
G Martin:	O hai! Do not target teh staeg pwn 2da. Legses not soopa gud! But I check out staeg b4hand ha ha! 2moro I tri not 2 luse 2 much tiem. We will c wot hapns.
Omnes:	Wot, no elliptical pronouncements about seagullz & E Cantona? Standirds r slippin'!
G Imlach:	Horble da 2moro even tho iz anotha downhill finish! 2da iz 48 minits pour l'autobus.
TP Kennaugh:	M Cavendish shall prevale! & also 2moro becoz long staeg! I, teh Sage ov Man, decree it thus!
Omnes:	Sage ov On!ons, MOAR liek ba-dumm TISH!

[Beardy]

You know, reading the output of reporter reporting on behalf of P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® sometimes reminds me of one of the works of that grate author of the Science Fiction Ian M Banks. The one with the klerkwerk eagle birb in picture form in the front.

I often questions if struggling through that prose was worth the effort as well 

[Pingu]

...grate author of the Science Fiction Ian M Banks....

Not to be confused with Iain M Banks 

...The one with the klerkwerk eagle birb in picture form in the front...

Not a vautour - bah!

[Beardy]

...grate author of the Science Fiction Ian M Banks....

Not to be confused with Iain M Banks 

Damn! 

...The one with the klerkwerk eagle birb in picture form in the front...

Not a vautour - bah!

[Kim]

You know, reading the output of reporter reporting on behalf of P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® sometimes reminds me of one of the works of that grate author of the Science Fiction Ian M Banks. The one with the klerkwerk eagle birb in picture form in the front.

I often questions if struggling through that prose was worth the effort as well 

I struggled through the whole thing then discovered the second half of the book was the English translation.