Author Topic: more insane management speak phrases  (Read 114015 times)

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #725 on: 01 December, 2021, 10:44:31 am »
Cockup and bugarup?
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

Cudzoziemiec

  • Моя планета голубая, я люблю тебя и обнимаю
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #726 on: 01 December, 2021, 10:46:53 am »
It's not just management, it's infecting the junior ranks as well - I found this in a report I'm reviewing

"To facilitate the fulfilment of documentation requirements from CU to BU level efficiently"
B++ for effort, or at least desire to impress.
Riding a bike through a city is like navigating the collective neural pathways of a vast global mind.

fboab

  • Getting fatter every day
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #727 on: 01 December, 2021, 10:49:38 am »
I used 'circle back' yesterday.
I was only slightly taking the piss.  :-[
TSS is not Total Sex Score, Chris!

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #728 on: 01 December, 2021, 11:12:53 am »
It's not just management, it's infecting the junior ranks as well - I found this in a report I'm reviewing

"To facilitate the fulfilment of documentation requirements from CU to BU level efficiently"
B++ for effort, or at least desire to impress.

I asked what they meant, they explained, I thought why the fuck didn't you just say that in the first place?
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #729 on: 01 December, 2021, 11:23:15 am »
Word of the week at my virtual work Huddle = get back in the brick & mortar office and meet people fact to face.

Sounds a bit worryingly like cuddle and I've never met most of my colleagues in real life before  ::-)

Oh Gawd... at my former employer the social committee got renamed 'The Huddle' and thus was born an entire lexicon of bollocks involving Huddlers, Hudlees, Hudovating

John Stonebridge

  • Has never ridden Ower the Edge
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #730 on: 02 December, 2021, 06:52:55 pm »
Announcement yesterday that Our Department [TM] would be merging with Another Department [TM] and that the boss of Another Department [TM] would be the new head honcho of The New Combined Department [TM]. 

Diligently, I went online to find out more about my new colleagues.   

OMG its all "horizontal workstreams" "investment engine rooms" and (my favourite) "value driven roadmap planning". 

FFS.   :hand:
   

Update.  Our merged teams now sit together in the office when we are there that is.  I happened to be in the office earlier this week.  Wandering idly towards my desk I passed a woman that I didnt recognise working furiously on a slide presentation titled "A cost and value mindset"'

I read it as "there will be redundancies and much misery for those that remain". 

Cudzoziemiec

  • Моя планета голубая, я люблю тебя и обнимаю
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #731 on: 15 February, 2022, 05:37:12 pm »
Referring to the suggestion that someone's return from maternity leave should be phased rather than straight in: "The manager has socialised it it with her."
Riding a bike through a city is like navigating the collective neural pathways of a vast global mind.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #732 on: 15 February, 2022, 06:22:39 pm »
'Socialised' has to be right up there as one of my most despised management speak examples.

I worked for a Big Corp and they thought it appropriate to 'socialise' the new T&E policy.

Nope, not 'mandate' or 'enforce' or even 'publish' or broadcast', nope, 'socialise'. Slippy-shouldered, accountability averse bastards.
Rust never sleeps

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #733 on: 15 February, 2022, 06:34:30 pm »
I was introduced to 'socialise' as a term meaning "Managers can now tell the rank and file."

As in "Bob, are the promotions and grade changes approved, so I can tell the team?"
"Yes, socialise it."

It was also used to indicate that a rumour should be started (maybe by mentioning it to known team gossip at the water cooler).
"There is a department rumour that XX huge changes are going to happen. We want to put a stop to that, but don't make it official (in case XX happens after all).  Maybe socialise that XX isn't being planned."

Worse than Yes Minister.
<i>Marmite slave</i>

ian

  • why would any decent person have such thoughts?
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #734 on: 22 February, 2022, 04:27:49 pm »
I just wrote we should discuss operationalizing this data. I feel my return to the upper decks of a corporate mothership is now complete.
Authoritarian Thought Leader, the Pol Pot of Powerpoint, the Stalin of Spreadsheets, the Putin of pandas

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #735 on: 28 February, 2022, 12:17:36 pm »
I'm attending a remote "AGILE" course as type this. Its only 12:15 on the first morning of a two day course and I've already lost the will to live.
It's not even really relevant as I'm neither a programmer nor a program manger and usually work in a team of one.
I think you'll find it's a bit more complicated than that.