Author Topic: Daddy, I don't want to die (Read 5230 times)

Redlight · « **on:** 24 May, 2012, 12:59:29 pm »

Over the last couple of weeks, my (almost) 5 year old has become obsessed with the fact that one day he will die. Every night, at bedtime, he lies in bed saying that he doesn't want to die, even when he gets old, and getting quite upset at times. I've no idea what has sparked this but I am at a loss to know what to say to him other than that he won't die for a long long time, there's lots of fun to be had first, that dying doesn't hurt - it's just like sleeping, etc.

Any advice welcomed....

mrcharly-YHT · « **Reply #1 on:** 24 May, 2012, 01:02:40 pm »

Normal at that age (I have 6 kids).

It's less about dying and more about them becoming separate (development of self as an individual) and the entirely sensible terror of being alone.

Don't make a big deal. Hold hands, read stories. He might want to crawl into bed with you at night - let him.

clarion · « **Reply #2 on:** 24 May, 2012, 01:31:01 pm »

Exactly that. But, just to restate: It is absolutely normal.

Kathy · « **Reply #3 on:** 24 May, 2012, 02:24:21 pm »

I remember going through that phase. Screaming, crying, panic and terror. I must have been about five or six (it was before I got a bedroom of my own, but after the infamous "I've forgotten to wear my knickers to church" day).

I don't have any kids, and can't offer any advice, but if it makes you feel better, it's not unusual.

Eccentrica Gallumbits · « **Reply #4 on:** 24 May, 2012, 02:38:56 pm »

I wouldn't make too many comparisons with sleeping though in case that causes worries about going to sleep. But yes, it's normal. I still have it.

andyoxon · « **Reply #5 on:** 24 May, 2012, 02:53:42 pm »

Quote from: mrcharly on 24 May, 2012, 01:02:40 pm

Normal at that age (I have 6 kids).

It's less about dying and more about them becoming separate (development of self as an individual) and the entirely sensible terror of being alone.

Don't make a big deal. Hold hands, read stories. He might want to crawl into bed with you at night - let him.

I tend to agree as we've previously had expressions of not wanting to grow up and leave, rather than dying, from one of our daughters.

Julian · « **Reply #6 on:** 24 May, 2012, 03:02:47 pm »

I had a phase of being terrified of my parents dying. This wasn't helped by a conversation with my dad that went along the lines of:

Me Aged Six: "You won't ever ever die, will you Daddy?"

Dad: "Everybody dies. I'll die eventually."

Mum: (reassuringly) "But not until you're VERY grown up and have children of your own and we're very old."

Dad: "Not necessarily. I might get hit by a bus tomorrow."

Me Aged Six: total meltdown

Mother:

clarion · « **Reply #7 on:** 24 May, 2012, 03:04:52 pm »

About that age, I had a worry that my parents would be replaced by impostors. I tried devising strategies for checking they were the real ones, but soon realised that the impostors would have been well briefed, and know all the answers. $:-\$

This, too, is quite normal.

pcolbeck · « **Reply #8 on:** 24 May, 2012, 03:10:09 pm »

Quote from: clarion on 24 May, 2012, 03:04:52 pm

About that age, I had a worry that my parents would be replaced by impostors. I tried devising strategies for checking they were the real ones, but soon realised that the impostors would have been well briefed, and know all the answers. $:-\$

This, too, is quite normal.

Sometimes I worry that Clarion has been replace by an imposter but a brief peek into POBI soon convinces me that it ain't so. Though I nearly sent a warning message to Butterfly that her husband had been replaced when he agreed with Reg on something once.

clarion · « **Reply #9 on:** 24 May, 2012, 03:25:48 pm »

How dare you promulgate such a vicious rumour!

Cudzoziemiec · « **Reply #10 on:** 26 May, 2012, 11:07:21 pm »

After a while they can become quite blase about it. My son is 7, a while ago he was talking about a book he's planning to write when he's a grown up bookwriter. "You can read it, Daddy. If you're still alive. But you might need glasses because you'll be very old."

Arch · « **Reply #11 on:** 27 May, 2012, 08:18:55 am »

Nephew Oli greeted me at Christmas with the words "Auntie Sue, sometimes in nature things die, but that's alright".

which was an unusual reply to my opening gambit of "Hello Oli, are you excited about Christmas?"

I gathered he'd watched a lot of wildlife and CGI dinosaur programmes, so the concept of predators/prey and extinction was high in his mind.

Later he asked his other Gran whether she was worried about being old... "because you'll die soon."

SlowCoach · « **Reply #12 on:** 31 May, 2012, 05:30:24 pm »

Quote from: mrcharly on 24 May, 2012, 01:02:40 pm

Normal at that age (I have 6 kids).

Normal at any age. As a 50 something I was heard to scream rather loudly "I don't want to die". On this occasion I was in my kayak drifting backwards towards the rim of a rather large waterfall clutching one half of a broken paddle.

I survived... (albeit I succumbed to a rather bloody and bruised face as a bounced off the rocks a few times on the way down)

GrahamG · « **Reply #13 on:** 11 June, 2012, 04:17:34 pm »

I remember having this too. Then I had a little relapse just the other week. Bizarre

Andyf · « **Reply #14 on:** 11 June, 2012, 05:38:55 pm »

I have the opposite.....my 5 year old son is a-want-be Jedi knight/Sith lord and is allways threataning to remove body parts with his light-sabears - mainly mine, perhaps he thinks he will come back as a blue energy force.................................

Mr Arch · « **Reply #15 on:** 11 June, 2012, 06:21:57 pm »

I had the same fear of dying at that age., pretty much as soon as I realised that death was something that happened.
I still have the same fear of dying, that hasn't gone away and so I work on the basis of 'being immortal' and so it won't happen.

I think my main fear is that everything I know and have thought of will be lost forever unless I can pass it on to someone else who appreciates it and can carry it on. That way the important part of me will still be about.

My parents didn't make it easy to cope with when I was a kid. They were very matter of fact about it 'Everyone dies at some point...' and that didn't reassure me. I don't think lying about it would have made any difference either.

rogerzilla · « **Reply #16 on:** 11 June, 2012, 06:26:57 pm »

Look at the growth of chav culture, the increasing concentration of land, power and money in the hands of the ruling elite, environmental breakdown, the state of pensions and the crap filling the pop charts.

One day, you'll be content to die

Jon P · « **Reply #17 on:** 11 August, 2012, 05:42:32 am »

Quote from: clarion on 24 May, 2012, 03:04:52 pm

About that age, I had a worry that my parents would be replaced by impostors. I tried devising strategies for checking they were the real ones, but soon realised that the impostors would have been well briefed, and know all the answers. $:-\$

This, too, is quite normal.

Er, sorry to have to tell you this mate but ...

When I was very young I had a list of "wishes" of the Good Fairy type, one of them was to live forever. I also remember being absolutely distraught and in tears one afternoon when my parents were playing music together at the thought they would be dead one day. My own daughter is more pragmatic - when telling her to be careful on the stairs she reassured us, "Ich will nicht tot sein" - "I don't want to be dead".

rogerzilla · « **Reply #18 on:** 11 August, 2012, 06:43:15 am »

This is where pets are useful. One of their biggest benefits is to teach children that everything dies. Don't buy a tortoise, though, they're not as effective.

Lady Cavendish · « **Reply #19 on:** 18 September, 2012, 08:38:49 am »

I'm having real problems with my youngest and this. Now I think I know where it is coming from, but she isn't that young, she's 10. Every night is becoming a massive saga in that she is terrified to go to bed in case she doesn't wake up. It's getting worse. I honestly don't know what to do. Does this just improve?

Wowbagger · « **Reply #20 on:** 18 September, 2012, 08:41:51 am »

A 10 year old is old enough to understand the probability of her just randomly dying in the night.

It's probably a pretty good opportunity to point out that life isn't risk free, but going to bed is one of the safest things we ever do - until we're over 80, at any rate!

teethgrinder · « **Reply #21 on:** 21 September, 2012, 09:58:42 am »

Quote from: mrcharly on 24 May, 2012, 01:02:40 pm

It's less about dying and more about them becoming separate (development of self as an individual) and the entirely sensible terror of being alone.

Is it as straightforward as that?

I don't think you can always second guess the root cause of a persons fear and anxiety.

There could be lots of reason the person; even if that person is a child; is afraid and has anxiety about dying.

If it were me, I'd find out what exactly it was they are afraid of. Loneliness, being eaten by lots of wriggly things while buried underground, pain or maybe something you wouldn't associate with death yourself?
Then try to explain and help them to understand the reality of death. Also explain that if we never died, life wouldn't be worth living. On one hand, we wouldn't feel pain and sadness, but on the other hand, you would never feel happiness and enjoyment. Perhaps emphasise the enjoyment part with a little treat.
Also explain the low probability of them dying. How many people do they know? Get them to add them all up. Now work out their combined age and multiply it by 365. How many of those people have died in their sleep? The numbers will be bamboozling for a child who can only count up to so high. Now tell them to imagine having that many white ping pong balls in a box and there bing one black ping pong ball. Get the to visualise how big that container of balls would be. The black ping pong ball represents them dying in their sleep. I think that even a child could figure out that if they have a box of thousands of white ping pong balls and only one black one, they'd almost certainly pull out a white one.

That was pretty much my own thought process when I was that child who was afraid of dying.