® iz bak. Soz 4 teh latez; we was watching teh foopball.
G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV's G Imlach and I am excellent! And welcome 2 teh 2018 Tour ov France! |
Bethany [8]: | O hai! I am Bethany [8] and I, also, am excellent! |
Omnes: | Yay! 'tis Bethany [8] and her merry quips! |
G Imlach: | Shut it, u clamouring molluscs! There is room onli 4 1 merry quipster on this prog. and that is me, G Imlach! However, some muppet has chosen 2 start teh race @ audax o'clock. Who would do such a ghastly thing, eh? EH? |
Evil C Boardman: | Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Also ha ha! |
Bethany [8]: | At least it gives me an hour or 2 b4 mi mum wakes up. Off her tits agane last nite teh fukn c-o-w! |
EC Boardman: | Wot, liek C Froome, sniff sniff aha ha ha ha ha ha? |
G Imlach: | Drugs! C Froome! TV's Wooden D Friebe! |
C Froome: | I never done nuffink! It musta been 2 otha fellas! Assmar! |
Nice C Boardman: | WADA? WANKAS, moar liek! Can ov worms inside a can ov worms! |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
SD Millar: | O hai! I am TV's Super D Millar and I am not only excellent but also haz teh fabulous hair! Rodeo! |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
G Imlach: | Who will win, NC Boardman, if not C Froome? |
NC Boardman: | R Porte, M Landa, I Montoya N Quintana, A Yates, R Bardet, TD Windmill, G Thomas and Bethany [8]’s Dad! |
G Imlach: | Thank u, NC Boardman! [Aside] Idiot!!1! |
NC Boardman: | Stage 1. Wind! |
Omnes: | Fck! Off! |
NC Boardman: | No, wait! Come back! I haz SCIENCE! |
G Imlach: | 2 slo, Niec C! It iz tiem 4 teh colemantators! |
N Boulting: | O hai! I am TV's *** Boulting and I am excellent! [Indicates map] I haz a map! |
SD Millar: | O hai! I am... wait a sec! I already doned this bit. C me point @ ***'s map! [Points @ ***’s map]. |
Omnes: | Just as long as u don't keep ur "fabulous" hair under a wankhat, Super D! |
SD Millar: | Fck off! Your all gay!!1! |
N Boulting: | Known unknowns! Unknown unknowns! Predictably unpredictable! CP Sagan! |
Omnes: | U utter tit, ***! |
N Boulting: | Salt! An epicure's delight! |
Bethany [8]: | This iz going 2 be teh longest 3 weeks ov mi life, isn't it? |
N Boulting: | TD Gendt! Racing beast, tactical radish, futile break! Ect and, moreover, ect! |
TD Gendt: | Shut! Up! |
| Enfin |
C Prudhomme: | OK! Off u fck! |
SD Millar: | C 3 French no-hopers form teh futile break! It's gonna be 1 ov those days. Iz lunchtiem yet? |
N Boulting: | No. No, SD Millar, it is not. |
SD Millar: | Piss! |
N Boulting: | Wind! Not. |
SD Millar: | Wind! Gels! Ammo belt! |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
SD Millar: | Motivated pelican! Cat and mouse game! |
M Kitteh: | U called? Also, miaow! |
T Orslanda Jr: | Hurrah! |
N Boulting: | Bonus sprints? Seconds away? Qualification thingummy-wossnames? |
SD Millar: | |
Bethany [8]: | I wish I'd said that! |
N Boulting: | Geology prep! Scenery! M Smith and his captive TG Hart! |
SD Millar: | Lunchtiem! Yay! |
| Grams: WHOOOOOOSH!!1! |
M Smith: | Thank u *** mi guest iz TG Hart Tour ov California G Thomas! |
TG Hart: | Mumble drone Dauphiné blah predictably unpredictable Vuelta! |
Omnes: | FFS! They're all @ it! |
TG Hart: | Big engines! |
Omnes: | Kill! Him! |
Bethany [8]: | Oh-oh, mi mumz wokin up! Tiem 2 go round 2 5’s! |
| Grams: WHOOOOOOSH!!1! |
5’s Mummy: | Air, hellay, Bethany! Do have a kumquat! |
T Orslanda: | Yay! |
Bethany [8]: | Fankumissispoulidorfeatherstonehaugh! |
5's Mummy: | Syrah! |
5: | O hai bef'ny anyfink hapnin yet? |
Bethany [8]: | Crap joaks, mostly. |
5: | Haz G Thomas bin on? [Huge sigh] He's so yummalicious! |
G Thomas: | FFS, not agane! I mite haz 2 fall off mi biek, retire from teh race and go 2 teh pub! |
Bethany [8]: | No. No, he haz not. Just M Smith and TG Hart droning onanonanonanonanon & making me wish SD Millar would wear a wankhat @ us 4 lite releef! |
M Smith & TG Hart: | Wibble France R Bardet W Barguil mountain Hackney M Cavendish E Merckx DI2 break futile Wind rinse and repeat! |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaaaaack! Wind! |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
N Boulting: | M Cavendish? |
SD Millar: | M Cavendish! England expects! Focus M Kitteh A Greipel teh goriler ov 3b! |
Omnes: | Munkeh!!1! |
N Boulting: | Lead-out trane M Renshaw EH Boson? |
SD Millar: | Yes. [Enormous jaw-cracking yawn] |
N Boulting: | GV Avermaet R Porte! |
GV Avermaet: | Shut! Up! |
N Boulting: | Unexpected expectations! Salt! Vendée Globe! FFS, Super D, save me!!1! N Bouhanni? |
N Bouhanni: | Oi! Wnkr! Want some? |
SD Millar: | Ur such a wnkr, N Bouhanni, that ur not even on teh race! Cofidis focus behaviours C Vasseur! |
N Bouhanni: | He can fck off as well! |
| [Later] |
N Boulting: | Whales! Boats! W Barguil! |
SD Millar: | Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee's shit! Well, this year. |
Bethany [8]: | Watch ur step, Super D! U still owe me, remember! |
SD Millar: | Ulp! |
| [Laterer] |
SD Millar: | Chateau! Fixer-upper! |
NF Knowles: | U called? |
Omnes: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | Big Australian diesel engines! |
SD Millar: | Cobblestones! |
ML Maire: | Aieeeeeeee! Flashbacks! |
N Boulting: | Right, lunch! |
M Smith: | WTF? U already had lunch! |
N Boulting: | No, M Smith. No, we haz not. Just cocktails. |
| Grams: WHOOOOOOSH!!1! |
M Smith & TG Hart: | Heat swimming pool drone Worlds Vuelta cliché 4 sure incredible S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel R Porte pavé GV Avermaet! Intermediate sprint? |
Omnes: | WTF? Bring back 1-man translation engine M Rendall! |
| [More laterer] |
N Boulting: | F Craddock crash bang wallop feed zone! Crazy sport! |
CP Sagan: | U got that rite *** hah hah aha ha! Crazy! |
N Boulting: | [Improving desperately] Intermediate migrating bird mussels oysters sprint Cavendish! Minty! |
SD Millar: | Electric motors ptui! |
N Boulting: | |
Omnes: | This ^^^^. |
N Boulting: | F Craddock. All sorts ov trub. |
F Craddock: | Can I go hoam? |
R Úran: | No. No, you cannot! |
Omnes: | Who said that? |
Bethany [8]: | Watch it, u lot! That's mi dad ur diss... oops! |
Omnes: | Surely u jest, Bethany [8]? |
Bethany [8]: | When I maek a joak I wiggle mi ears. U c mi ears wigglin'? Well, do ya, punks? |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | Tiem 4 TV's rnser 2 Deep Thought, M Rendall! |
M Rendall: | O hai mi M Rendall blong sieg heil! Mi tellim histoire do mãn rénaïsso loris del geen vitessimo! |
N Boulting: | G Imlach? |
M Rendall: | Nyet! F Rabelais Greekish habit Pantagruel pantograph Gargantua hattifattner mēt teh fedäraussprung blong mi kuzin perfetto! Vladimir Putain! |
SD Millar: | Has he gone yet? |
N Boulting: | J Degenkolb finger. Nails. |
SD Millar: | Fingernail ba-dum tish? |
Omnes: | Don't give up ur day job, Super D! |
N Boulting: | Look, see, a Frenchman there, riding a bicycle strapped 2 teh roof ov hiz car! |
SD Millar: | |
N Boulting: | Well, if he hadn't doned it we wouldn't hav seed it!* |
SD Millar: | |
N Boulting: | Dog! Dog on teh pitch! Always a Labrador! |
SD Millar: | Isn't he teh new president ov Mexico? |
| [Laterer] |
N Boulting: | Harmonious coöperation! |
SD Millar: | Wasn't that Teh Datsuns' first single? |
N Boulting: | Get! Out! |
SD Millar: | [Sulks] |
N Boulting: | Mountain! Sprint! Wooo! |
K Ledanois: | Yay! Spottyjumper! |
W Pigs: | Ur not Danish! |
K Ledanois: | Ssssssh! |
SD Millar: | Time spent in reconnaissance is sometimes wasted. They fiddle with something at teh back of teh room and traffic islands. Disappear! |
N Boulting: | F Craddock. All sorts ov trub. |
F Craddock: | Can I go hoam? Plz! |
Bethany [8]: | Don't even think about it, sonny! |
SD Millar: | Teh 2 riders off teh front r all out. Or all in. |
Omnes: | Ur turn 2 spike hiz covfefe toda, ***? |
Y Offredo: | Tiem bonus! 3 sec... oh! Arse! |
MP Cousin: | LOL @ Y Offredo! |
F Craddock: | Can I go hoam? Plz! |
N Boulting: | Crash! Yoicks! |
SD Millar: | R Porte. Y he there? Tw@! |
N Boulting: | A Demare! |
N Bouhanni (via e-mail): | Oh boo fukn hoo! |
N Boulting: | Crash! Yoicks! T $ky rider! |
5: | Nooooooo! Not G Thomas?!1? |
SD Millar: | No. No, not him. 4 a change. |
5: | Phew. Ooooooh, poneys! |
SD Millar: | Crash! C Froome!!1! |
C Froome: | Noes! Mi jumper iz dirty! |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai, I Montoya N Quintana! Stab, stab, stabEEEE! |
N Quintana: | Piss! |
N Boulting: | Sprint! SprintEEEE! |
F Gardenia: | Yay! Winnage! Shinyjumper! |
CP Sagan: | Arse! Also, crazy! |
M Kitteh: | Piss! Also, miaow! |
Bethany [8]: | Well, that was interesting! |
EC Boardman: | A hahahaha ha ha. Ahahaha ha! |
* Yes, he really did say this. In fakt, all dialogue is faithfully reported except where it isn't.