G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV's G Imlach, supplier ov roffles 2 discerning Tour ov France fans everywhere! 2da teh Tour visit Mende. Scene ov 1 ov teh most lolmungous finishes in teh history of all things evvah! |
Bethany [8]: | I am onli [8], G Imlach, and cannot remember teh incident 2 which u refer! |
G Imlach: | By teh Magick of Television… |
| [Slo dissolve] |
T Pinot: | O hai! I am T Pinot and I made ov teh Win! |
R Bardet: | O hai! I am R Bardet and I, also, made ov teh Win! |
T Pinot: | Do sum work, R Bardet! |
R Bardet: | No, T Pinot. U do sum work! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!1!] |
R Bardet & T Pinot: | WTF?!!?1! |
S Cummings: | LOL @ T Pinot & R Bardet! |
T Pinot: | Piss! |
R Bardet: | Piss! |
| [Cut to present da & G Imlach looking smug] |
Bethany [8]: | Oh, that 1! Always maeks me roffle 2! Ta, G Imlach! |
EC Boardman: | Me 2, Bethany [8]! Me 2! A hahahahahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
N Farage: | That's a metaphor 4 Brexit! |
Omnes: | No. No, it is not. Now fck off, u animated sack ov foetal parts! |
G Imlach: | Cut! Cut, FFS! Niec C Boardman, ur predictions? |
NC Boardman: | J Alaphilippe A Yates D Martin G Thomas! |
G Imlach: | Ta, Niec C! 2 teh colemantary box! |
N Boulting: | Ta, G Imlach! Look, see! Crazy P Sagan iz so busy signing autographs he haz 4gotten 2 go 2 teh start! |
SD Millar: | [Massive sigh] No, ***, he has not. C, he is there, next 2 G Thomas! |
N Boulting: | [Improvising desperately] T Boudat! In teh T Boudat role! |
Omnes: | |
C Prudhomme: | Begone, u epileptic tubes ov bum fudge! |
| [...] |
Omnes: | Bridge, bridge! Over le Canal de Donzère-Mondragon! |
C Lion: | w00t! |
| [...] |
T Wind: | In teh absence ov F Aru I, teh Wind, will b providing ur recommended daily dose ov howling! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh pelican is strung out on lasers and slash-back blazers! It et all mi razorz wile pulling teh wait0rz... |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
SD Millar: | Teh pelican iz in bitz already! Echelons! |
N Boulting: | Spare a thort 4 poor DED B Mollema! |
Omnes: | Naaaaaaah! |
N Boulting: | A Yates A Valverde R Bardet in 2nd froup! D Martin J Birdsong P Roglic in 3rd froup! M Landa waiting 4 teh bus 2 Spaign-o! |
M Landa: | Pish, ***! I am just biding my tiem, is all! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Less wind, pelican reuntied, break! |
SD Millar: | T $ky in control. Break J Alaphilippe TD Gendt S Calamityjane most ov TD Energie sum no-hopers from T Cofidis & Crazy P Sagan! |
ML Maire: | Oooh, l'Ardeche et ses Gorges, ses campings, ses grottes, ses parkings et TP Fairy*! Liek!!1! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Caves! |
N Boulting: | Caves! |
SD Millar: | Cave paintings intellectual abstraction! |
N Boulting: | Intellectual abstraction TD Gendt hahahahahahahahaha! |
Omnes: | Nail. Head. |
N Boulting: | Come, Super D, 'tis tiem 4 luncheon! Over 2 teh Londonton packing crate wif M Smith & SB Wiggins! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!1!] |
SB Wiggins: | [Really quite good SD Brailsford impression] T $ky haz a plan! SD Brailsford sed so & he would not lie! Would he? |
Omnes: | Did he really say that? |
ML Maire: | Not in so many words... |
M Smith & SB Wiggins: | C Froome G Thomas T $ky SD Brailsford who iz numbawan plan TD Windmill ect ect! |
Omnes: | Frankly, chaps, we think ur just speculating! |
M Smith & SB Wiggins: | U haz cort us, liek a Treen on a deflated Spacehopper! |
| [...] |
M Smith: | Tea-wees? Yes or no? |
SB Wiggins: | I sa yes! |
Omnes: | Well, u would, wouldn't u! |
SB Wiggins: | Fck! Off! |
M Smith: | Should riders disclose everything they take? |
SB Wiggins: | I sa no! Suppose a rider had a dose ov teh clap from an extra-marital affair? |
Bethany's Mum: | I hope ur not implying nething by that, SB Wiggins! That's a nice beard. Be a shame if nething... happened 2 it! Very flammable things, beards... |
Omnes: | Always use a Jiffy-BagTM, right, SB Wiggins? |
SB Wiggins: | Shut! Up! |
M Smith: | Cut! Cut, FFS! Back 2 France, quick! Apparently there's a biek race happening over there! |
| [FX: skipload ov breeze-blocks being upended] |
N Boulting: | [Breathing heavily] O hai puff joined by wheeze Niec C Boardman coff SD Millar siesta tiem, teh lazy cur! |
| [FX: bottle being uncorked] |
N Boulting: | Don't worry, kids, he's got a tea-wee 4 it! |
NC Boardman: | Look, see! Crazy P Sagan haz pwned teh sprint sprint sprintEEEE! |
CP Sagan: | [Looking daggers @ T Boudat] Don't. U. Evvah. Do. That. Agane! |
T Boudat: | Ulp! |
SD Millar: | Aaaaaah, that's better! I feel almost human now! |
EC Boardman: | U don't look it a hahahahahahahahaha lol! |
SD Millar: | Get! Out! |
N Boulting: | [Improvising desperately] Can teh winner still come from teh pelican 2da, Super D? |
SD Millar: | Yes, no and maybe! |
N Boulting: | Thank u, Super D! [Aside] Whatever they're paying u, it's 2 much! |
| [After another dose ov M Smith & SB Wiggins] |
G Izzywizzy: | Spottypoints 4 me! |
J Alaphilippe: | Bof! |
TJ Slagter**: | Spottypoints also! Ur daughter: bring her 2 me! |
Bethany's Mum: | Peedo! I'm foning teh polis! |
B Dickinson: | Oi! TJ Slagter! Mi line! Can I pla... |
M Thompson: | I'm 'avin' me tea! |
| [...] |
J Alaphilippe: | C me sprint 4 teh remaining spottypoints left by teh mini-break! |
Omnes: | Wot, all 0 ov them? |
J Alaphilippe: | I, er, oh, RAAAWWWRRR! |
Omnes: | Teh leopard doth not change his shorts! |
J Alaphilippe: | What did they just say? |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Look, see! Teh échappé royale iz coming 2 bits! What could cause such carnage? |
TD Gendt: | 3 guesses, soppybollocks! |
J Stuyven: | While teh others r distracted by teh shitverts I, J Stuyven, will scarper! |
N Boulting: | Teh mortal remains ov teh break are back 2gether TD Gendt J Alaphilippe S Calamityjane P Gilbert S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard CP Sagan sum hopeless stooge from T AS-TA-NA & a couple ov other randoms! |
SD Millar: | 14 km 1:42! |
T Shitverts: | Buy! Buy a pink fluffy bunny! Buy! Buy health insewerants business cards a spacesuit! Push ur children out ov a helichopter! Buy an Action Man! |
Omnes: | 1 ov those Action Manz looks just liek J Degenkolb! |
J Degenkolb: | Fck! Off! |
SD Millar: | 9 km 2 minits! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! P Gilbert iz @ it agane! Oh! He's not! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | 4.5 km 1:45! |
ML Maire: | U dare show moar shitverts, ITV4... |
J Alaphilippe: | C me bied mi tiem! Worked 4 S Cummings, amirite? |
SD Millar: | Teh chasers hav not yet cranked it up; CP Sagan haz not been dropped! |
N Boulting: | Neglect not S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! |
O Fraile: | OK, tiem bided! |
J Alaphilippe: | OK, tiem bided! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!1!] |
O Fraile: | O hai, J Stuyven! |
J Stuyven: | Piss! |
J Alaphilippe: | O hai, J Stuyven! |
J Stuyven: | I ate'nt dead!!1! |
O Fraile: | \o/ LOL @ J Alaphilippe! Who r u calling teh "hopeless stooge" now, *** Boulting? |
J Alaphilippe: | |
CP Sagan: | 4th. U haz 2 admit that is a little bit crazy! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Do not 4get that all teh GC contenders r still in teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! |
SD Millar: | T Pinot sez moar chance ov big GC shakeitallabout here than Alpe de Huey! |
A Yates: | Predictions ov Niec C Boardman notwithstanding, soddez çela pour une alouette! |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai D Martin! Stabbity-stab! |
D Martin: | That woz rood! |
C Froome: | Shall we damage TD Windmill 4 teh lulz? |
G Thomas: | Yeah, y not! |
5: | Stop picking on him, u utter bounders! |
TD Windmill: | Ha! |
P Roglic: | Oi! I pwned all ov u lot! Especially u, Chimney-Boy! |
R Bardet: | Shut! Up! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | O hai! Mi tic-tac ov losing tiem 2 all teh other GC riders iz still going according 2 pla... oh! |
NC Boardman: | ...just as I predicted! |
T Pinot: | ...just as I predicted! |
* In 1985. I got heatstroke