N Boulting: | O hai! TV’s *** Boulting here. U like mi SNO globe? |
SD Millar: | O hai, ***! I see ur SNO globe and raise u teh packet ov Fisherman’s Friends! Game theory! Who will launch teh futile break today, eh? |
N Boulting: | GV Avermaet. |
SD Millar: | Nope. |
N Boulting: | TD Gendt. PT Voeckler. |
SD Millar: | No. |
N Boulting: | Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Michael Matthews, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, John Degenkolb, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry teh Hawk. |
SD Millar: | No. No, not them either. |
N Boulting: | That German bloke with teh apparent teeth? |
SD Millar: | We haz a winner! Lunch? |
N Boulting: | Lunch! Here are TV’s M Smith and not-TV’s M McNally 2 entertain u while Super D and I stuff our faces with yummy nosh! |
M Smith: | Ta, Super D. I am joined. By M McNally. Who is a. Scouser. |
M McNally: | Greetings and werl dey do dere dough don’t dey! |
M Smith: | What did he. Just say? |
M McNally: | Calm down calm down our Mattie eh! |
M Smith: | Y Offredo hard. Or what? |
M McNally: | Werl, dat’s just ‘ow dey say “’ello” in Toxteth, eh, eh! |
M Smith: | What did he. Just say? |
CD Coulthard: | Och aye teh noo, muthafukkas! TV’s Crazy D Coulthard here. Jus’ wanna say “flat through Eau Rouge”, bruv! RISPEK and, indeed, Word, innit! |
M Smith: | What did he. Just say? |
CP Sagan: | This ^^^^. |
| Post-lunch… |
N Boulting: | Tell us about teh Monks ov Stavelot, Super D! |
SD Millar: | (Improvising desperately) They had a hit in 1979 with “Nice Legs, Shame About Teh Face”. Big in Canada1. Is it Halifax? |
N Boulting: | No. No, they did not. And no, it isn’t Halifax either. |
SD Millar: | Arse! |
| After coffee, mints and snifter ov Armagnac… |
N Boulting: | …and teh second-highest point in Luxembourg. Sometimes I hate this job! |
SD Millar: | Cheer up, ***! Look, a metal chamber orchestra on a roundabout! |
D Tröll: | Metal chamber orchestra? That’s us, Dream Tröll, Leeds’ premier Metal Mayhem MerchantsTM, that is2! Endorsed by teh Labour Party3! Buy our record! |
N Farage: | If they start playing I’m going 2 write 2 my MEP! |
Omnes: | Piss off, expense-fiddling racist fist magnet!!1! |
| After a nice cup ov tea and a sit down… |
N Boulting: | …intermediate sprint! Tessa Pollitt! |
SD Millar: | Even I, like any fule, kno she played bass in Teh Slits, ***! |
N Boulting: | Soz. Easy mistake 2 make. Look, cows! |
SD Millar: | Game Theory! Hic! |
| Later… |
M Smith: | Your prediction 4. Teh podium in. Paris, M McNally? |
M McNally: | C Froome, I Montoya N Quintana, J Birdsong, eh. His mum was in Teh Supremes4 eh. |
J Birdsong: | I’m gonna make u love me! Oh, yes I will. Yes I will! |
M Smith: | Blimey I understood. That. |
| Later… |
N Brown: | O hai! I am N Brown and I am made ov teh Win! Teh spottyjumper will be mine all mine oh yes! |
N Politt: | O hai! I am N Politt, and not T Pollitt, and I am made ov slightly less Win. Arse! |
SD Millar: | …and Luxembourg has more castles per unit area than anywhere else in Europe. TV’s A Schleck told me! |
A Schleck: | He’s right, u know! |
| Much later… |
N Boulting: | And now TV’s M Rendall, polyglot cleverclogs. |
M Rendall: | Auch tellim Lúxembourgish bunnywunnies l’histõire ciclisšimo blong our Lucieñ ćlubski. Autogizmo! |
SD Millar: | That’s easy 4 u 2 say! |
Omnes: | So, not much happening, then? |
ML Maire: | No. No, there is not. |
| Some time later… |
TD Gendt: | O hai! I am TD Gendt and I am made ov teh Win! Wot u say teh couple ov hours ago, SD Millar, u grate ponce? |
SD Millar: | Teh pelican is a very big powerful cat! |
M Kitteh: | No, SD Millar. That is me. Also, miaow! |
SD Attenborough: | What did he just say? |
| When SD Millar is through with his orgone accumulator… |
TD Gendt: | Arse! |
SD Millar: | Game Theory, innit! |
N Boulting: | Reboot! See, I haz new word 2! |
Omnes: | And here’s a three-fingered salute 4 you, ***! |
L Calmejane: | O hai! I am L Calmejane and I am made ov teh Win! Make a joke about me having teh gurl’s names and I will kill u utterly 2 DETH! |
Omnes: | …teh meanest thing that he ever did was before he left, he went and named me "Lilian", lol! |
L Calmejane: | I warned u! I fukn’ warned u! Oh, I haz been caught, like a Treen in a disabled spaceship! Arse! |
N Boulting: | Quickstep have floored it roffle! |
Omnes: | That falls below teh minimum standard as laid down in ur contract., ***. U will not be paid 4 it. |
R Porte: | O g’day! I am R Porte and 4 once am demonstrating some Winnitude! Oh. |
GV Avermaet: | O hai! GV Avermaet here and in case u forgot I pwned teh Olympic Road Race! Oh. |
M Matthews: | O h… oh. |
CP Sagan: | What is pressure ha ha and, moreover, lol! I told u I was Crazy!!1! |