G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV's G Imlach and I am excellent! With me is TV's Niec C Boardman who is also excellent, and not at all a J Alaphilippe fanboi! Sa hello 2 teh niec girls & boys, Niec C! |
NC Boardman: | Gottle o GEER! |
G Imlach: | In teh colematary box 2da, as uzhul, teh excellent TV's *** Boulting & Super D Millar. Neither ov whom iz a massive J Alaphilippe fanboi either! |
N Boulting: | Predictably unpredictable! |
SD Millar: | [Revolting chewing noises] There iz still a long way 2 go, & nething can happen! 4 sure! U liek mi pain au chocolat? |
Omnes: | Thank fck ITV4 does not broadcast teh Tour ov France in HD! |
G Imlach: | J Alaphilippe tho? |
NC Boardman, N Boulting & SD Millar: | |
Bethany [8]: | I think J Alaphilippe is massively over-rated and wouldn't even be close to teh spottyjumper if W Barguil was on form! |
SD Millar: | I hate 2 admit it, Bethany [8], but u do haz a point! |
F Begbie (via Google Translate): | Aye, & teh cnt disnae luke liek me either! |
5’s Mummy: | What a frightfully rude fellow! Not at all like that nice young D Martin! Are you coming round today, Bethany? We have a veritable surfeit of kumquats! |
Bethany [8]: | yesmissispoulidorfanshaw... |
5’s Mummy: | Syrah! |
Bethany [8] (Fortissimo): | mum mum goin' round 2 5’s mum laters! |
Bethany's Mum: | STFU, u li'l scrubber! I gotta hedake! |
Bethany [8]: | [Aside] I've been taking lessons from TV's Evil C Boardman! Oh yes! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!!1!] |
G Imlach: | So, C Froome under pressure? |
NC Boardman: | Yes. Yes, he is. |
EC Boardman: | Isn't it marvellous? Oh yes! |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai TD Windmill! U think T $ky will nominate teh leader? |
TD Windmill: | They did. |
D Friebe: | O rly? G Thomas? |
TD Windmill: | [Puzzled] No, C Froome. |
D Friebe: | [Improvising desperately] U maek alliance wif P Roglic & S Kruijswijk? |
TD Windmill: | No. |
5: | [Faints agane] |
5's Mummy: | For goodness' sake, Vivalda! Stop showing off! |
| [...] |
G Imlach: | Look, see! Bridge! Viaduc de Miaow! |
C Lion: | w00t2! |
M Kitteh (via smoke signal): | I haz a bridge? Yay! Go me! Also, miaow! |
SN Foster: | ...and then they closed a lane 4 me & mi chums to ride over! Which was niec! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | 2da J Alaphilippe will prove all teh h8rs wrong! |
Bethany [8]: | Hit him with teh cluebat, Super D! |
C Prudhomme: | Git & skit, u mahogany-coloured aubergines! |
TD Gendt: | Does he mean me? OK then... |
N Boulting: | A Yates? |
SD Millar: | Yes, no and maybe! |
N Boulting: | Thank u, Super D! [Aside] Teh glamour ov television |
SD Millar: | Look, see! A Démare iz already off teh back ov teh pelican! |
N Bouhanni (via thought transference): | O dear. How sad. Never mind. |
J Alaphilippe: | Ha! Spottypoints! Wot u sa, little gril? |
Bethany [8]: | Watch ur step, proto-Caledonian narwhal impersonator, if u don't want 2 wind up singing soprano! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Break A Yates W Barguil G Mühlberger! |
Bethany [8]: | Yay! [Does teh dance moves agane] |
| [FX: anvil landing in a skip full of bottles] |
5's Mummy: | Do be careful, Bethany! That fruit bowl was a gift from the lovely people of Venice, after mai husband bought the place! |
Bethany [8]: | sozmissispoulidorfanshaw! |
5's Mummy: | Syrah! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Pelican back together. 45 minit rool? |
SD Millar: | Yes, no and maybe! |
N Boulting: | |
D Bramati*: | Do. Not. Attack! |
J Alaphilippe: | Who, me? As if... |
SD Millar: | Break! Big 1! 29 riders! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! CP Sagan has got across! Another échappe royale sum big names & sum lusers from T Moviestar! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! T Skunch iz in teh break! |
N Boulting: | Piss! If we go 4 lunch now, Super D, I will not hav 2 try 2 sa "T Skwangeloid"! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!!1!] |
M Smith: | Blimey, ***, that woz a bit previous! Sa hello, SB Wiggins! |
SB Wiggins: | Grippy! |
M Smith: | |
SB Wiggins: | Binky’s Kumquat’s got full Florence & spacebats so I smacked his gran 4 a couple of weasels + my carp and flipped it in2 teh Gary’s face 4 a hat full ov cress & a wol’s arse. Minty! |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
SB Wiggins: | A sleeve ov bees! |
| [FX: boxer repeatedly hitting punchbag] |
M Smith: | OK, I think I've managed 2 reset him! C Froome G Thomas? TD Windmill? Tiem-trail? |
SB Wiggins: | TD Windmill may or may not beat G Thomas but will beat C Froome, because I, SB Wiggins, sa so! |
M Smith: | TD Windmill alliance TLNL Jumbo? |
SB Wiggins: | 0 in it 4 TLNL Jumbo. |
ML Maire: | [Iz quite glad Team EF Education First-Drapac P/B Cannondale r not doing much these days] |
M Smith: | Crowd control controversy cockwombles! |
SB Wiggins: | B Hinault should kepe hiz big fat rented gob shut because I, SB Wiggins, sa so! |
Omnes: | Iz there a biek race going on 2da? |
M Smith: | Oh. Yes. S Calamityjane is off teh front ov teh break! |
S Calamityjane: | Did teh talking munkeh call me "Sue"? FFS! |
| [...] |
M Smith: | Look, see! S Calamityjane haz been cort by teh break! |
S Calamityjane: | Did teh talking munkeh call me "Sue" agane? FFS! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaack! Me and teh C Boardmen neway. U can guess teh rest! |
NC Boardman: | Sum1 has to stave off teh boredom! |
N Boulting: | Snottysprint soon! Tho CP Sagan iz only in teh break 2 stop himself from getting bored! |
EC Boardman: | Snottyjumper waste ov tiem! Just give CP Sagan teh jumper & 3 weeks off! Oh yes! |
N Boulting: | C Froome G Thomas TD Windmill ect ect. |
NC Boardman: | TD Windmill should attack C Froome... |
EC Boardman: | ...wait 4 G Thomas 2 fall off hiz biek and kill C Froome utterly to DETH in teh tiem-trail! Oh yes! |
N Boulting: | Assault attack N Terpstra T Squatch CP Sagan! In feed zone! Unethical? |
NC Boardman: | N Terpstra haz read teh unwritten rools! |
N Boulting: | Tiem 4 covfefe, liqueurs & reviving Super D Millar! M Smith & SB Wiggins, edutainamize teh punters! |
Omnes: | What hav u done with TV's il Geeko di tutti Geeki, M Rendall? He hadn't historificated us 4 ages! |
EC Boardman: | We crashed in teh Alps & I had 2 eat him! |
| [...] |
SB Wiggins: | ...and A Grivko woz a colossal bellend! |
ML Maire: | Look, see! Fish farm! |
M Kitteh: | I already had mi lunch. But, 4 teh sake ov old tiems, miaow! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Break F Grellier J Bernard & hiz hipsta beard! Snottysprint! |
S Geschke: | Impostor! I, S Geschke, am teh pelican's 1 troo hipsta! |
N Boulting: | ...hoam town ov L Jalabert, teh professional gobshite! |
L Jalabert: | Bof! |
| [Sur le Pic de Nore] |
N Boulting: | Very exposed @ teh top ov teh climb! |
SD Millar: | Wind! |
N Boulting: | GC race on teh climb? |
SD Millar: | Wind! |
CP Sagan: | Rite! I am going 2 win teh stage! P Poljanski, maek eveyone suffer xept me! |
P Poljanski: | Yeth, mathter! Oh! Piss! |
CP Sagan: | OK, plan B! |
Omnes: | Which iz? |
CP Sagan: | I pretend 2 be in trub wile R Majka messes wif their heads! |
Omnes: | Crazy! |
CP Sagan: | Oh. That didn't work either! Plan C! |
Omnes: | C 4 "Crazy"? |
CP Sagan: | C 4 "Crumble liek teh crumbly cheez", moar liek! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! D Martin haz attacked teh pelican! |
5’s Mummy: | Oh jolly good show, young man! |
J Birdsong: | Melancholy Supremes lyric goes here ==> |
R Majka: | Win! I am made ov it! |
N Boulting: | 30 km descent 10 km flat! Iz CP Sagan crazy enuff 2 close teh gap? |
CP Sagan: | No. No, I am not! |
SD Millar: | MC Nielsen! |
MC Nielsen: | Word! Yo! I'm teh rebel MC! |
R Majka: | Noes! Cort liek a Treen ect ect. |
D Martin: | O hai, CP Sagan! |
CP Sagan: | O hai, D Martin! |
T Pelican: | O hai, D Martin & CP Sagan! |
D Martin & CP Sagan: | Piss! |
5’s Mummy: | Oh, bother! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | MC Nielsen! |
B Mollema: | O rly? |
J Izzywizzy: | O rly? |
MC Nielsen: | Yes. Rly! \o/ |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | GC race 2 line? |
SD Millar: | No. |
N Boulting: | What did he just say? |
Bethany [8]: | A tale ov sound & fury... signifying 0... |
N Boulting: | It wasn't that bad! |
Bethany [8]: | ...& told by an idiot! |
N Boulting: | |