G Imlach: | O hai! I, TV's excellent G Imlach, welcome u 2 teh 2nd rest da ov teh Tour ov France! Just 2 late 4 teh highlights prog yesterda: teh news that G Moscon haz been thrown off teh race 4 punching ETF Gesbert! |
Bethany [8]: | Hold on a sec! Did not teh commissaires punish N Bouhanni 4 teh similar offence last year wif a meaningless tiem penalty & a derisory fine ov 200 Schnibblefrancs? |
NC Boardman: | Indeed they did, Bethany [8]! Indeed they did! |
Bethany [8]: | And korekt me if I haz teh wrongness here, but ETF Gesbert - may hiz bed nevvah catch fire! - iz French, while teh Frenchman N Bouhanni swung @ J '24' Bauer, who iz from New Toyland? |
EC Boardman: | N Bouhanni iz onli French when he's winning... |
Bethany [8]: | Shut! Up! And G Moscon rides 4 which team? |
C Prudhomme: | Bof! U Ingleesh! Alwayz wiz ze conspiracy theory zat we some'ow favour ze Français! |
Bethany [8]: | Watch it, garlic-boy, unless u want 2 go hoam carrying ur plums in 1 ov Super D Millar's wankhats! |
C Prudhomme: | Ulp! I walked in2 zat one, hein? |
G Imlach: | Cut! Cut, FFS! Tiem 4 TV's Super D Millar 2 summarise teh race wif his uzhul vim, vigour and va-va-voom! |
SD Millar: | Drone G Thomas drone drone C Froome drone TD Windmill CP Sagan drone drone T AS-TA-NA T Moooviestar drone V Nibbles disgrace drone J Alaphilippe! Drone. |
EC Boardman: | How fascinating! Oh yes! |
G Imlach: | Carcassonne! UNESCO World Heritage Site! Yellow squnches! |
T Skujins: | U wot? |
C Itoyen: | Ah, but iz it Art? |
N Boulting: | In hiz seminal work "A La Recherche Du Sprint Bonerfications", Jean-Luc Picard defined art as... |
Omnes: | Troll! |
G Imlach: | Apparently if u stand at a certain point outside teh main gate... |
EC Boardman: | ...it spells "C Froome est un ouanqère!" A hahahaha! Ahahaha! Oh yes! |
| […] |
G Imlach: | Teh big question in teh final week ov teh Tour ov France: who iz teh reel leader ov T $ky? |
NC Boardman: | Onli 3 days ov proper racing left. C Froome vulnerable 2 assault attack by TD Windmill! |
EC Boardman: | G Thomas will not win even iffen he does not fall off hiz biek outside teh pub! Teh T $ky publicity machine will not allow it & C Froome will also win teh Vuelta agane because I, TV's Evil C Boardman, sa so! Oh yes! |
Bethany [8]: | O rly, EC Boardman? RU suggesting teh cold unded hand ov R Murdoch is e'en now hovering over teh big red button on teh arm ov a swivel chair a mile below teh rim ov an extinct volcano? |
EC Boardman: | Yes. Yes, I am! Ahahaha hahaha and, moreover, ha! Oh yes! |
G Imlach: | We sent TV's D Friebe, undercover, in2 teh DETH Star 2 spy on teh conversation... |
Omnes: | Disguised as wot, a table? |
G Imlach: | Shut! Up! |
| [Slo dissolve 2 int. DETH Star, accompanied by suitably sinister music] |
C Froome: | Right! Tiem 4 me 2 win teh Tour ov France! Minions! Destroy T Sunweb! Crucify them! Raze their cottages, burn their crops, enslave their children and bumrape their chickens! Let teh valleys ov teh Pyraknees echo wif teh lamentations ov their womenfolk and teh pitiful cries ov their kittehs! |
W Poels: | Who, us? |
C Froome: | Yes. Yes, u! |
L Rowe: | It's a bit, well, melodramatic, isn't it? |
SD Brailsford: | Nevvah mind whether it's melo-bloody-dramatic, just fookin' do it! |
G Thomas: | No. |
SD Brailsford: | Whaddya mean, "no"? |
M Kwiatkowski: | It was alright until he mentioned teh kittehs! |
E Bernal: | Wotesed! |
J Castroviejo: | I'm not 2 keen on teh chicken-bumming either, TBH... |
C Froome: | FFS! L Rowe, wilt thou desert me in mine hour ov need? |
L Rowe: | Yes. |
C Froome: | Oh. Liek that, iz it? |
W Poels: | Yes. Yes, it is. |
C Froome: | How much iz G Thomas paying u mutinous curs? |
E Bernal: | A pub crawl round Tiger Bay & all teh laverbread we can eat! Oops... |
C Froome: | Sold down teh river 4 a barrel ov Brains SA & a sack ov fckn seaweed? Piss! |
| [Cut back 2 G Imlach & teh C Boardmen] |
EC Boardman: | Arse! |
Bethany [8]: | LOL @ EC Boardman! |
NC Boardman: | There iz still a long way 2 go, 4 sure, and nething can happen! |
G Imlach: | So there u haz it. Angry C Froome iz angry! Now ur roving spods do teh rounds ov teh other teams! |
| […] |
M Rendall: | O hai mi spikim R Bardet! Chiminée grottenolm ćón figli di frutti mãrez? Wop-bop-a-lu-bop? C Froome ūž G Thomas? Zuiderzee! |
R Bardet: | Bof, u Martians! |
D Friebe: | C Froome sez he will help G Thomas win teh Tour ov France if necessary. U agree? |
TD Windmill: | Yes, no and maybe! |
D Friebe: | Sometimes I hate this job! |
5: | I'll do it 4 u, D Friebe! [Faints] |
5's Mummy: | Vivalda! No more Tour de France until you learn to behave yourself! |
5: | Oh Muuuuuum! 'snot fare! |
| […] |
G Imlach: | And now, 4 ur lite releef, TV's Super D Millar meets legend J Leth* & tits about with a camer... |
Omnes: | Hat! Hat! Super D has teh baseball wankhat agane! Backwards, FFS! Ur 41, u gr8 tool! |
Bethany [8]: | FFS, Super D! Teh kidz ur tryna get down wif wouldn't wear teh hat liek that if u paid 'em! |
SD Millar: | I was just starting 2 liek u, Bethany [8]! |
| [Montage of crashes, stage w1nz0rz and Super D, mercifully hatless, doing shit impression ov B Dylan] |
Omnes: | Rubbish! |
SD Millar: | Your all gay!!1! |
G Imlach: | Quick, Niec C Boardman, SCIENCE us! |
NC Boardman: | 2da I will edumatationise u about clothing! Teh diff... |
Omnes: | In that waistcoat, Niec C, u r spoiling us! |
NC Boardman: | Fck! Off! |
| […] |
G Imlach: | Stage 17 - genius or bonkers! |
NC Boardman: | Damp squid. I Boswell's reverse grid idea haz legs tho! Moar humane! |
EC Boardman: | Humane! [FX: pages riffling] Hmmm. Interesting concept, but it'll nevvah catch on! A hahahaha! Oh yes! |
G Imlach: | Ur prediction 4 teh w1nz0r, Niec C? |
NC Boardman: | G Thomas! |
CP Sagan: | U kno, I actually think teh next few actual days may actually be properly crazy! |