The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[robgul]

Direct Debit for that. The robots rule.

MTAAW

(Me too, also, as well.)

Ditto - my main card (95% of card use) has been DD for about 18 years BUT it took about 2 years for them to work out that I wanted them to take the whole balance (i.e. clear it) rather than the min payment so they could shaft me on interest.

[T42]

Making deep-fried prawns in batter today, using a portable gas burner since it's better for the wok and otherwise we're just electric.  As each batch was done I brought a hot paper-lined dish up beside the wok to receive it. As I lifted prawn #N out of the oil I lowered the dish below the level of the wok rim, bringing the edge of the paper into the superheated air rising out of the flame, and...

Except that I didn't: I caught myself on at the last moment.  I'm not gaga yet.

[grams]

I just trod on an upturned UK plug, lost my balance, landed on my folded Brompton and took a massive gouge out of my finger on some part of it.

I am a massive div for not emigrating to a country with safer plugs.

[Regulator]

I thought to myself 'Those new face masks* could do with a wash' so I put a load on...

...and what to I espy sitting on the top of the washing machine when the end of cycle beeper goes off?   





*Some rather nice ones from Tilley: https://www.tilley.com/uk_en/masks/all-masks/cotton-masks.html

[Kim]

I just trod on an upturned UK plug, lost my balance, landed on my folded Brompton and took a massive gouge out of my finger on some part of it.

I am a massive div for not emigrating to a country with safer plugs.

"Safest plug in the world.  Unless you aren't wearing shoes." - me.

[ian]

Last night I was chopping chillis for a laksa. Choppity chop and in the pan you go. Give hands a perfunctory rinse and carry on with the rest of the preparation.

So anyway, as it steamed away for fifteen minutes, my brain told me to to take the opportunity to enhance my mealtime comfort with a visit to the loo.

[T42]

Spatchcocked a coquelet at lunchtime, brushed it with honey/mustard mix and stuck it under the grill, setting a timer so that I could baste it in 10 minutes.  A while later, MrsT says "what's burning?"

Timer still read 10 minutes. Guess who hadn't pressed which button.

[robgul]

Nipped out to collect some pallets to break down for the furniture and other stuff that I make  . . . . took the portable circular saw as I usually need to do a bit of cutting to get them in the car  . . . 

. . . portable circular saws need a battery to work . . and mine was snug in the charger at home.   Aaaargh!

The good 'ol handsaw I also took saved the day.

[Zipperhead]

Washing machine's live longer with....

Is it my fault that they're about the same size and shape as dishwasher tablets? Or that they were next to the dishwasher tablets in the cupboard?

Ah well, things looked clean and nothing had a funny taste afterwards.

[Jurek]

Friday night.
Programme 5 laundry run.
Tissue included in wash.
Gah!

[Mr Larrington]

You know how when you've been faffing with notwork cables and end up rearranging some of the furniture and end up with a crate or two full of Stuffs that ought to have been relocated upstairs five years ago in a place where your feet don’t expect them to be and thus smite the said crate with the said foot a blow such as would loosen the bollocks of the very mightiest of heffalumps?

Yes, exactly like that.

Update: toenails aren’t meant to be black even after you’ve scrubbed off all the Sock Residue, are they?

[T42]

Email from Netflux: "New login to your account". Y'what?  Not my PC or tablet, not the TV downstairs, so .  Log into NF, change password to super-secure PWD comprising 4 random words separated by random punctuation marks, yay, well done, action prompt and immediate, pat on back etc.  Nip downstairs, turn on TV, invoke NF and enter new pwd...

Have you ever tried entering a password via a sluggish on-screen KB and the arrow keys on a zapper?  A 27-character password at that?  You need around 5 button-presses per character, double that if the SHIFT key is involved, and each time you enter one it appears on the screen for about a second so if you blink, hard luck.  So of course "Password not recognized" was my reward for 10 minutes' work.

MrsT comes in halfway through my second attempt. "What are you doing?"  I explain the dodgy furrin login.  "Oh, that was me on my computer, there was a documentary I wanted to watch".

Bugger.

Restore old login from dusty bit of paper (think Eccles' timepiece) under my monitor, return to normal. Yeah, I know, security and all that. Fckit, the thing works.

[Mr Larrington]

At least today I noticed my lack of wallet while liberating a horriblemarket trolley from bondage in the carp ark of Mr Sainsbury’s House of Toothy Comestibles, rather than when queueueueuing to pay for my newly rounded-up flock of feral nosh.

[ian]

Making my baked risotto, I'm stirring away at the base, softening some leek, celery and garlic in olive oil. I thought I'd throw some remaining mushrooms, a bit off-plan but they looking sad in the bottom of the fridge, so chop chop and in they go, and I'm stirring away to reduce those down and thinking, mmm, these mushrooms smell a bit odd. A sort savoury smoky flavour. So I stir a bit more. It really does start to smell quite strange. Not mushroomy, not garlicky, not really like a risotto base at all. How odd. I raise my hands in defeat and notice I'm holding a flaming dishtowel.

[hellymedic]

You know how when you've been faffing with notwork cables and end up rearranging some of the furniture and end up with a crate or two full of Stuffs that ought to have been relocated upstairs five years ago in a place where your feet don’t expect them to be and thus smite the said crate with the said foot a blow such as would loosen the bollocks of the very mightiest of heffalumps?
Yes, exactly like that.

Update: toenails aren’t meant to be black even after you’ve scrubbed off all the Sock Residue, are they?

No, but you can let out the blood from a subungual haematoma if you unbend a paper clip, heat to red heat and apply to the nail.
Pffft! Blood WILL spray!

[Kim]

No, but you can let out the blood from a subungual haematoma if you unbend a paper clip, heat to red heat and apply to the nail.
Pffft! Blood WILL spray!

As satisfying minor medical procedures go, this one's got to be in the top 5.

[andrewc]

You know how when you've been faffing with notwork cables and end up rearranging some of the furniture and end up with a crate or two full of Stuffs that ought to have been relocated upstairs five years ago in a place where your feet don’t expect them to be and thus smite the said crate with the said foot a blow such as would loosen the bollocks of the very mightiest of heffalumps?
Yes, exactly like that.

Update: toenails aren’t meant to be black even after you’ve scrubbed off all the Sock Residue, are they?

No, but you can let out the blood from a subungual haematoma if you unbend a paper clip, heat to red heat and apply to the nail.
Pffft! Blood WILL spray!

Ouch, ouch, ouch.   Have done this, I used a pin sterilised in a lighter flame, it's painful & messy....

[andrewc]

No, but you can let out the blood from a subungual haematoma if you unbend a paper clip, heat to red heat and apply to the nail.
Pffft! Blood WILL spray!

As satisfying minor medical procedures go, this one's got to be in the top 5.

Right up there with emergency tracheotomy using a Biro. Don't think I've got that first aid manual anymore.... 

[Kim]

I don't think that one counts as minor...

[Mr Larrington]

You know how when you've been faffing with notwork cables and end up rearranging some of the furniture and end up with a crate or two full of Stuffs that ought to have been relocated upstairs five years ago in a place where your feet don’t expect them to be and thus smite the said crate with the said foot a blow such as would loosen the bollocks of the very mightiest of heffalumps?
Yes, exactly like that.

Update: toenails aren’t meant to be black even after you’ve scrubbed off all the Sock Residue, are they?

No, but you can let out the blood from a subungual haematoma if you unbend a paper clip, heat to red heat and apply to the nail.
Pffft! Blood WILL spray!

I think it can stay black for now.  It’s not as if anyone's going to see it.

[andrewc]

I don't think that one counts as minor...

I remember reading a book by Jed Mercurio (ex junior doc & TV screenwriter) in which he detailed how an exhausted, overworked junior doc totally f*cked one up & killed the patient....

[andrewc]

You know how when you've been faffing with notwork cables and end up rearranging some of the furniture and end up with a crate or two full of Stuffs that ought to have been relocated upstairs five years ago in a place where your feet don’t expect them to be and thus smite the said crate with the said foot a blow such as would loosen the bollocks of the very mightiest of heffalumps?
Yes, exactly like that.

Update: toenails aren’t meant to be black even after you’ve scrubbed off all the Sock Residue, are they?

No, but you can let out the blood from a subungual haematoma if you unbend a paper clip, heat to red heat and apply to the nail.
Pffft! Blood WILL spray!

I think it can stay black for now.  It’s not as if anyone's going to see it.

Gwan, gwan, gwan....  think of the bragging rights in the "non cycling injuries" thread..... 

[hellymedic]

Trick is to use BLUNT paper clip and heat it till it GLOWS, then touch nail gently with NO pressure. Nail plate is dead, without sensation. Nail bed is NOT!

[chrisbainbridge]

Trick is to use BLUNT paper clip and heat it till it GLOWS, then touch nail gently with NO pressure. Nail plate is dead, without sensation. Nail bed is NOT!

This only works in the first 24-48 hours until the blood coagulates.  I no longer use the heated paper clip as it is too scary.  a large hypodermic needle drilled through the nail plate is cleaner and safer with less chance of infection in what is usually a technically compound wound once the nail is opened.

[ElyDave]

Making my baked risotto, I'm stirring away at the base, softening some leek, celery and garlic in olive oil. I thought I'd throw some remaining mushrooms, a bit off-plan but they looking sad in the bottom of the fridge, so chop chop and in they go, and I'm stirring away to reduce those down and thinking, mmm, these mushrooms smell a bit odd. A sort savoury smoky flavour. So I stir a bit more. It really does start to smell quite strange. Not mushroomy, not garlicky, not really like a risotto base at all. How odd. I raise my hands in defeat and notice I'm holding a flaming dishtowel.

At least you noticed before you had a flaming sleeve.