D Friebe: | O hai! I am TV’s D Friebe and I am made ov teh Wood Win! Here is M Cavendish 2 tell u Stuffs! |
M Cavendish: | O hai! I am M Cavendish and, although made ov 100% pure Win, I am teh New! IMPROVED!!1! M Cavendish and am mellow about not pwning teh stage. Far out, man! |
G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV’s G Imlach and know 0 less than zero about teh Château de Preisch. Here is 1 ov TV’s C Boardmen 2 tell u Stuffs! |
NC Boardman: | O hai! It is I, TV’s Nice C Boardman! A Greipel. M Cavendish. M Kitteh. (Improvises desperately) CP Sagan inna welder’s mask anna gimp suit! Wind! |
N Boulting: | O hai! Schengen! Bit ov political Stuffs there, Mrs Thatch, mi name’s TV’s B Elton, goodnight! |
N Farage: | Stop that! STOP THAT!!1! We’ve taken back control, remember! U fascist, communist wreckers should all be shot! |
Omnes: | Sod off, u one-issue capitalist running dog! Teh East is Red! |
SD Millar: | Today I are talking mostly about ancient history. Bradley Wiggins. |
GV Keirhardie: | O hai! I am GV Keirhardie! 1 hundred and twenty-five years ago today mi grate-grandfather was elected 2 Parliament1. Where TF is everyone? |
N Boulting: | Super D and I are still here, but not 4 long. Lunch beckoneth! |
| Grams: WHOOOOOOSH! |
M Smith: | O hai today I. Am joined by K. House why is C. P Sagan so made. Ov teh Win? |
Omnes: | K House? Who he? |
K House: | O hai! I am K House. I should be spending teh Fourth ov July setting off fireworks, drinking Jack and getting maudlin about Old Glory2, not sitting in a cupboard in That London with a northern Australopethicus, if such a thing is not an oxymoron3. CP Sagan? He’s crazy! |
Omnes: | U were better when u were played by TV’s H Laurie! |
GV Keirhardie: | Where TF is everyone? |
M Smith: | Thank u K House. And now a live. Update from R Hammond. No, teh other R. Hammond. |
R Hammond: | Mmfmmmfpmmpppppmpmmfffmmmfp mfpmpppmfmffmmfppfpfmfmpmpppff pfmppfpffpmp pfmmffmpp mfpmmmfmp ppfppmpppmfffmmmfpmmmppmmmppmfmppfmm pmfppfpppmfm fmpmpppffppm mmfmmmpff pfmmmmpffpmp! 4 sure! |
M Smith: | Thank u 4 ur. Fascinating insight there R. Hammond what did he. Just say? |
GV Keirhardie: | Where TF is everyone? |
| A good deal later… |
K House: | …and I saw a giraffe! |
M Smith: | Sometimes I hate this. Job! |
K House: | Big Lebowski! |
GV Keirhardie: | Where TF is everyone? |
Omnes: | Bridge, bridge!!1! |
C Lion: | w00t! |
M Smith: | Look, see, a field ov wheat! |
T Mayhemhem: | w00t! By teh Power ov Mayskull!!1! |
A Loathesome: | Stop that! STOP THAT!!1! U spud-hoarding rabble! Oh, if only there was a war on! I could have u unpatriotic twat batons shot! |
| After teh Party Political Broadcast… |
GV Keirhardie: | Where TF is everyone? |
TD Gendt: | Behind u! |
SD Millar: | Game Theory! Hic! |
N Boulting: | Semi-permeable membrane! |
GV Keirhardie: | Where TF is everyone? |
N Boulting: | And now Jackanory, with N Farage’s worst nightmare, TV’s M Rendall. |
M Rendall: | Ańćestœr sinkt rėgênbogën nambæwań pikinini Rik vān Lòóy jai guru ðeva om! Isoglass Garden Wood! |
| After everyone’s afternoon nap4… |
GV Keirhardie: | Where TF is everyone? |
N Boulting: | Look! A funny sheeps! Ignorance is bliss! |
A Sheep: | I’ll have u know, ***, that I haz a Ph.D in Quantum Chromodynamics and yet u stereotype me as a mindless ovine who doesn’t even know he’s been painted wif teh spottyjumper! Your all gay! |
N Boulting: | Did u spike mi afternoon covfefe, Super D? |
| In due course… |
SD Millar: | (Indicates pogoing Frenchmen with punk rock electric guitars) Oi, oi! What’s goin’ on ‘ere? |
P Frenchmen: | (2 teh approximate tune ov “Seven Nation Army”) Oh, Jeremy Corbyn! |
C Richard: | If this was Wmbldn I could have u shot! |
J White: | I didn’t get paid 4 that, y’know! |
GV Keirhardie: | Where TF is everyone? |
| Finally… |
N Boulting: | Teh sprinters’ teams are getting their ducks in a row. |
A Duck: | Eff off, ***! Got any bread? |
N Boulting: | Reboot! |
GV Keirhardie: | What kept u? |
CP Sagan: | We stopped 4 teh three-course lunch. Om nom nom nom crazy! |
M Kitteh: | I had fish! Also, miaow! |
SD Millar: | Firepower! Horsepower! Horses on fire! Findus lasagne! |
M Kitteh: | WTF? And not miaow at all. |
G Thomas: | WTF? |
M Cavendish: | WTF? |
CP Sagan: | (Uncharacteristic reticence) |
A Demare: | O hai! Merci, bonne chance et vive la France! |
Omnes: | So, typical flat stage then? |
ML Maire: | Yes. Yes, it was. Well, up 2 teh last ten seconds anyway. |