Your house rules

[Valiant]

1. Do not leave used mugs and cups dry. Put some water in them.
2. If you're going to wash up, do it properly. Otherwise leave it and I'll go OCD on it.
3. Leave the remotes on the table.
4. Finish the food on your plate. You can have seconds so don't overload your plate and then leave it uneaten.
5. Smoke outside. Vaping ok inside.
6. Share the booze.
7. Don't leave the bathroom in a mess.
8. Clean the bath/shower after use
9. Replenish the loo roll.
10. Do not move my bikes outside without locking them PROPERLY and removing lights etc.
11. Do not torrent.
12. Do not unplug or reaarange things.

[Wowbagger]

1. The dog decides when it is walk time.
2. The dog decides whether we go to Priory Park or Churchill Gardens.
3. Servants are to throw sticks so that the dog may chase them.
4. Squirrels are mostly to be ignored although the dog may choose to stalk or chase them.
5. Servants are to provide LIVER CAKE at times determined by the dog, but certainly every time he has been a Good Boy.
6. The act of crossing a road successfully deserves a piece of LIVER CAKE.
7. Cats are to be stared at unless they are in the garden, when they are to be chased.
8. Foxes are Evil Bastards.
9. Should someone utter the fateful words "There's a cat/fox/hippopotamus in the garden!" it is the dog's solemn duty to go rampaging down the path like an idiot, barking like a loon.
10. Chews are to be kept on the shelf in the kitchen.
11. LIVER CAKE is to be kept in the fridge.
12. Although the appointed time for a chew is 4 pm, the dog reserves the right to ask for one early.
13. The dog gets his own way.

[TimC]

Turning things off at the mains in general.  Unless the thing in question is lacking in the switch department or you have good reason not to trust it, this is a bizarre form of OCD designed to confuse half-asleep people who are faced with cold coffee and a print server that's not responding to pings.

Especially when it's done using things like 45A double-pole isolator switches which simply aren't designed for daily frobnication, or worse, when the device has a clock or some sort of volatile configuration memory that's going to cause disproportionate amounts of hassle when you (and it's inevitably you) next try to use it.  That little neon indicator lamp is going to use less power in its lifetime than I've just wasted having this rant, and if you're really concerned about the environment, why condemn all those isolator switches to landfill?  Seriously.

Can I set you loose on our eldest? He has the infuriating habit of turning *all* sockets and wall switches off, including those that control stuff like cookers, central heating, telephones, hot water. It's all the same to him. Of course, he only does this when he's leaving the house for a day or two, or is the last one to bed.

[ian]

It's not thorough, but now I think about it.

1. Any stuff my wife can't find a place for her mental tidy-sphere is relocated to my office desk. I don't appreciate this rule.

2. Overflow from my office goes on the spare bed in her office. She doesn't appreciate this rule.

3. Mother-in-law is banned from the kitchen.

4. If there is a cat in the sink, it's waiting for a drink. Do your duty.

5. Put down the toilet seat. See item (4), otherwise this is their plan b.

6. Whatever it is that you are looking for in my office, you won't find it. I might. It's unlikely, but I might.

7. Shoes off at the door, the carpet was once new, and I like to remember that day.

8. If there's room in the fridge for food, put more beer in.

9. No goat's cheese. No blue cheese. No funky cheese at all in the house.

10. I cook. No one else. See item (3).

I am a bit OCD about turning stuff off at the plug. Electricity is not to be trusted. It makes stuff buzz in a sinister manner. That said, I do leave routers on.

[Jacomus]

Ooh, I both love this thread and have additions, particularly number 1, which is my pet hate!

1) Fire Hazards. There are to be no Fire Hazards. I can tolerate mess on the floor, just about, but there must be clear, navigable access routes to the kitchen, bathroom, office (from there -> garden) and front door. Doubly so at night time. And when I say navigable, I don't mean pick your way through a debris field using a torch, I mean 'holy fucking shit, the house is on fire, get the fuck out right fucking now!' kind of navigation.

2) Double locking the front door at night will inspire DETH to be rained upon you in the form of my wrath. See point 1 for why.

3) Jacs and Jacs only, is allowed to do anything beyond look at his white work shirts. Any looking that is done, should preferably be undertaken with suitable wonder at their pristine whiteness and razor sharp creases.

4) Hands off Jacs's iron. We have a general use iron, and a TACTICAL Bosch. It is easily identified because the sole plate is spotless, it's extra long cable is neatly wound, and it's the awesome Bosch in TACTICAL black and grey. Never touch the TACTICAL Bosch.

5) Jacs 'on the tray' tools are there for all. If it's in a box/case, don't touch.

6) Jacs's shoe polish kit is for my use only.

7) I deal with the cat poo. You deal with kitchen bin.

[Kim]

Corollary to several of those:

I think we have an iron.  Er, somewhere.   Unless it's an iMac.  I'm not sure.  No clues in DNS.

There's an ironing board in the cupboard.  It's crap.  If you need a temporary extra table for something, use the camping one.  Either way, such cupboardly excavations aren't to be undertaken lightly, and certainly not by anyone without a level 10 or higher Tetris qualification.  Can't you just send off to have your T-shirt printed professionally?  It'll be quicker.

Shoe polish is what you do after getting chain oil on them.  There's degreaser under the sink.

[Valiant]

TACTICAL Bosch

O.oh do tell more!

[Feline]

1. Dogs are not allowed upstairs.

2. Cats are allowed anywhere. Do not try to shut them out of any room or they will trash the carpet in the doorway. There are cat-sized holes cut in all doors that need to be shut for dog reasons to facilitate free cat passage.

3. No shoes upstairs. Roomba cannot vacuum the stairs and it is unlikely I will get around to it. Shoes should be checked for dog shit before entering the house if you have actually walked on the pavements.

4. If you decide to 'borrow' my toiletries or cosmetics then bloody put them back afterwards. There are new ones of everything in the cupboard. It is suboptimal to discover your shampoo/ shower gel has been requisitioned for the other bathroom when you are already wet and drippy.

5. Don't wait until you are growing a mould culture on dishes and cups before you bring them downstairs to the dishwasher. And put them in the dishwasher not on the worktop. The excuse 'I didn't know if the dishes in there were clean' is not valid. I am not the only person who can empty the dishwasher!

6. A maximum of 6 bikes in the house at any one time (unless they belong to temporary visitors in which case there is no limit). Lesser used bikes can be chained to the ground anchor in the garage.

7. If you clean your bike in the bath please rinse it afterwards (the bath that is)

8. Don't leave plastic pingfuckits on the floor during indoor fettling sessions. The dogs will eat them and piss you off.

9. Mobile phones, Kindles, cameras and TV remotes should never be left in a room with the dogs when no one is there. They are true omnivores. They will eat your stuff, but only when you are not looking.

[Jacomus]

TACTICAL Bosch

O.oh do tell more!

One of the most powerful steam irons in the world. Teutonic. Powerful. Deadly and unstoppable in it's assault on creased fabric. Black and grey TACTICAL colour scheme helps you stay camouflaged when ironing in covert situations. Palladium Ceramic soleplate keeps the telltale noise down and lets the iron glide straight and true over your shirts, like a sniper's bullet towards a bad guy. Red heating light preserves your night vision. 3m long lead lets you pick the best position to carry out your ironing and keep your eyes on target - the TV, or bad guys. 120 g/min shot of steam provides cover for tactical withdrawal, or razor sharp creases. Your choice, but it's nice to know you've got options.

 

ETA A photo of the iron in it's woodland cammo guise.

[Julian]

That almost makes me want to do ironing.

(I quite like ironing, with something good on iplayer. It's just such a faff getting the ironing board out and organising hangers and all the rest of it.)

[John Henry]

That almost makes me want to do ironing.

It makes me want to have a man-to-man talk with Jac. No man - actually, no human - should get that much pleasure from ironing. It's not decent.

We have but one rule: replace the bog roll if you finish it. But we have no children or pets, which seem to be the main cause of everyone else's.

[ian]

11. There will be no ironing.

(I figure that we have an iron. I've never seen it but its the sort of thing that lurks in kitchen cupboards. We probably have an electric sander too. I think I saw that once. Or that might have been the iron. Possibly I don't know the difference. The only thing I own that needs ironing are trousers, and that's why hotel rooms have trouser presses. I always wondered if you could make a panini in one but I've never been drunk enough in charge of a ciabatta to find out. It's only a matter of time.)

[Basil]

Yeah.  Too many specified roolz, people.
I reiterate my list somewhere on an earlier page.
1)  Do not piss me off.
 
That'll do nicely thanks.

[Kim]

One of the most powerful steam irons in the world. Teutonic. Powerful. Deadly and unstoppable in it's assault on creased fabric. Black and grey TACTICAL colour scheme helps you stay camouflaged when ironing in covert situations. Palladium Ceramic soleplate keeps the telltale noise down and lets the iron glide straight and true over your shirts, like a sniper's bullet towards a bad guy. Red heating light preserves your night vision. 3m long lead lets you pick the best position to carry out your ironing and keep your eyes on target - the TV, or bad guys. 120 g/min shot of steam provides cover for tactical withdrawal, or razor sharp creases. Your choice, but it's nice to know you've got options.

Has it occurred to you that if your shirts are *that* well creased, there's a distinct possibility that you're the bad guy?

Just saying...

[spesh]

House rules? Not much point for me, because the other occupant at home just thinks of them as... guidelines.

Any complaints I have about where he pisses or vomits go in one ear and out the other. 

[Charlotte]

One of the most powerful steam irons in the world. Teutonic. Powerful. Deadly and unstoppable in it's assault on creased fabric. Black and grey TACTICAL colour scheme helps you stay camouflaged when ironing in covert situations. Palladium Ceramic soleplate keeps the telltale noise down and lets the iron glide straight and true over your shirts, like a sniper's bullet towards a bad guy. Red heating light preserves your night vision. 3m long lead lets you pick the best position to carry out your ironing and keep your eyes on target - the TV, or bad guys. 120 g/min shot of steam provides cover for tactical withdrawal, or razor sharp creases. Your choice, but it's nice to know you've got options.

 

ETA A photo of the iron in it's woodland cammo guise.

Jacomus, I never thought anyone would make me feel quite that way about ironing.

*little moment*

[barakta]

I am loving this thread.

I don't do ironing, not after my favourite suit got an iron print on the back of the jacket... 

[rogerzilla]

We have the same iron.  It's obviously an iron for men, with that industrial, Death Star colour scheme.  It even has a double XX in its name, so it's two-thirds of the way to being Vin Diesel.  It also contains two enormous balls, which appear to serve no purpose except to proudly announce its gender.

This is not an iron for softies or wilting violets.

This is the iron the Galactic Emperor chose for his Red Guards to use.

[Bledlow]

That almost makes me want to do ironing.

(I quite like ironing, with something good on iplayer. It's just such a faff getting the ironing board out and organising hangers and all the rest of it.)

This is why the ironing board lives in the office, already set up, with the iron on it. And why when I spot an empty hanger I relocate it to the vicinity of the ironing board. Ditto for anything in need of ironing.

Mrs B is allowed to iron her own stuff, but it is not encouraged. There are good practical reasons for this, to do with preservation of clothing.

[Jurek]

One of the most powerful steam irons in the world. Teutonic. Powerful. Deadly and unstoppable in it's assault on creased fabric. Black and grey TACTICAL colour scheme helps you stay camouflaged when ironing in covert situations. Palladium Ceramic soleplate keeps the telltale noise down and lets the iron glide straight and true over your shirts, like a sniper's bullet towards a bad guy. Red heating light preserves your night vision. 3m long lead lets you pick the best position to carry out your ironing and keep your eyes on target - the TV, or bad guys. 120 g/min shot of steam provides cover for tactical withdrawal, or razor sharp creases. Your choice, but it's nice to know you've got options.

 

ETA A photo of the iron in it's woodland cammo guise.

Regulator.
Stoppit. Now.
We can all see you.

[Feline]

In this house we don't buy clothes that need ironing unless they are going to have to go for dry cleaning anyway. There is a very nice new iron in my wardrobe. I think my daughter might have used it once about 5 years ago.

We also don't buy kitchen items that cannot be dishwashered. This is with 2 controversial exceptions, expensive knives and stoneware baking dishes. Things like wooden spoons get dishwashered anyway and chucked out if they have the temerity to split or rot.

I don't need a dishwasher to ruin expensive knives though. There is a massive chunk missing out of the tip of my best Santoku knife after I left my son in charge of the house while I went cycling in France. There is also an inexplicable dark brown fluid splattered up one of the walls in the lounge that occurred at around the same time 

[Polar Bear]

Hmmm, I hadn't considered this.   The iron and ironing board sit in my 'office' and it is most definitely 'each irons their own'.   Mlle PB is a bit slapdash whereas I chose the iron, the board and the board sleeve.   Our Philips iron is not quite as dethstar as Jac's but it does have ceramic plate, steam tip, 3m cord and glows in the dark...     

[Fab Foodie]

(Am I the only one reading tiermat's rants and finding them hugely therapeutic? I'm trying to feel guilty, but failing badly.)

I'm thinking of printing them and handing them out ....

[Jurek]

I confess to owning a TACTICAL Bosch iron.
I think it has been used maybe six times in the six years I have been living here.
But on each of those rare occasions It Has Been Necessary.

When my niece house-sat for me while I was working in China, I introduced her (amongst the other things) to the ironing board which lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

'What's that for?' came the reply.

Sweeeet 

[CrinklyLion]

Our eldest sister stayed at the den for a few days while I was away in the summer.  Among the perplexing/perplexed texts I received ("where should I sleep?"  "Can I borrow a towel?"  "Can I use the wifi?"  "Help, the cat hasn't come home all night!" "Will call you back after knitting club" "where are the bin bags?" "what is the network called" etc etc) was the query "do you have an iron?".  I had to think quite hard about that one.  Remembered where it was in the end, but told her that if she wanted a board she'd need to try one of the neighbours or call CrinklyAuntie!

Re coffee/tea etc making, feel free to ask/help yourself when round the Den although I will probably offer whenever I'm making, and there's relatively few guests that can keep up with that schedule.  Overnight visitors will be shown where the 'breakfast cupboard' is and are invited to help themselves if they want, and instructed to feel free to rummage in kitchen cupboards generally but it's not a prob if you prefer not to, and you'll get offered stuff to eat either way once I'm awake enough to focus.  When I'm a visitor I will always try to figure out what the local system is and follow it if possible.  If I get it wrong I strongly prefer to be told!

(And although I will happily brew up for myself in other people's houses, if that's their system, the one place I never ever have is round at THoFC, because I can't work Tiermat's coffee machine!)