The "I'm Such a Fecking Div" Thread

[Mr Larrington]

Yeah, white…

[citoyen]

Thanks for the sympathy, you bastards.

[nuttycyclist]

A peanut?

yeah, they were originally after the bird food I was storing in there, but not any more.   If there is an issue then I always bait traps with the same food source that they are used to.

I'd prefer not to use the traps, but they've chewed through my inner tube store in the past, and also the mains cables.

[citoyen]

A peanut?

IME mice much prefer a peanut (or peanut butter) to the canonical cheese.

[ian]

In Surrey, they won't come out for less than organic single-estate cashew.

[Ashaman42]

Oh I was more being silly and guessing that nutty had stood on a peanut when I assume he meant he stood on the trap.

[spesh]

Thanks for the sympathy, you bastards.

That other forumites would have scrambled to crack bad puns was something you really should have been aware œuf. 

[hatler]

There's no ovoiding this kind of punnery.

[mrcharly-YHT]

Adobe framemaker has a transferable file format.

File extension is .milf

Don't google for milf conversion while you are on a conference call.

[ian]

I hate to spoil it, but I think it's .mif

[spesh]

Adobe framemaker has a transferable file format.

File extension is .milf

Don't google for milf conversion while you are on a conference call.

Nothing to do with de-radicalising former members of the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, then? 

[ian]

It's like the time in the mothership conference room, with a glass front overlooking the goodly passersby of Hatton Garden, when my boss of yore inadvertently typed the wrong URL. It featured the sequence of letters anal. Those videos start to autoplay. Then it turned into porn-popup whack-a-mole. He was an old fella of a genteel Southern nature and really didn't have the youthful reflexes required to bring that under control. We helped by laughing ourselves a puddle.

Sadly, as someone who learned Framemaker + SGML the hard way (there is no easy way - Ed), it's .mif (Maker Interchange Format) unless someone at Adobe in the intervening years gained a sense of humour, which seems unlikely.

[Mr Larrington]

Mr Larrington is ascending the final flight of stairs to Bedfordshire.  But soft!  What is that noise emerging from the bedchamber, where no noise should be?

You left the fan cooling your empty bed all day, you utter divot

[mrcharly-YHT]

It's like the time in the mothership conference room, with a glass front overlooking the goodly passersby of Hatton Garden, when my boss of yore inadvertently typed the wrong URL. It featured the sequence of letters anal. Those videos start to autoplay. Then it turned into porn-popup whack-a-mole. He was an old fella of a genteel Southern nature and really didn't have the youthful reflexes required to bring that under control. We helped by laughing ourselves a puddle.

Sadly, as someone who learned Framemaker + SGML the hard way (there is no easy way - Ed), it's .mif (Maker Interchange Format) unless someone at Adobe in the intervening years gained a sense of humour, which seems unlikely.

No you are right, it is still MIF. Must have been my mind wandering.

Nobody at Adobe has a sense of humour. 'Customer support' means the customers give you money and you, erm, what?

[citoyen]

No you are right, it is still MIF. Must have been my mind wandering.

Freudian slip? (Very literally freudian, in this case)

Nobody at Adobe has a sense of humour.

I dunno - have you seen their pricing structures?

[ian]

Good point, I don't have to pay them (surprised someone hasn't pulled my access).

Framemaker, happy days. Though if you've ever been handed someone's entire book which they've helpfully written and formatted for you in LaTeX, you will know and understand despair like no other.

[T42]

Chopped the lunchtime salad, put it in the colander and washed it, then put it in one of the big glass bowls we serve it up in.  Made the vinaigrette but set it aside until we were done cooking. Cooking over, gave the vinaigrette another whisk then got out one of the big glass serving bowls and emptied the salad into it... from the big glass bowl it was already in.  Stood there holding both bowls and feeling like a right Charlie.

Footnote: Until he was about 5, our son thought MrsT's father's name was Charlie because his wife was always calling him a right one.

[Kim]

You left the fan cooling heating your empty bed all day, you utter divot

FTFY

[Jurek]

This morning I woke up early.
Fine, I thought, I'll go in to work early and come home early.
I left home at around 05:30.
I'd got some 50 yards up the road when I realised that I didn't have my mask.
No problem, I turned back but then, to my horror, I realised that my house keys were in my other shorts - not the ones I was currently wearing.
Shit. Fuck and Bollocks!
I've a spare set of keys at my friends house which is a ~25 minute walk away.
I tried to call for a minicab - but since pandemic they're no longer 24hrs and besides, without a mask they'd not take me.
I started to walk that way.
Then I realised that my friends actually away in Warbleswick this week.
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
My one hope was that their daughter was home, and not staying with her boyfriend.
MERDE!
On the topic of which, my bowels, at this point, decided that they needed immediate evacuation. Not in five minutes. Not in ten. But NOW!
Seriously, this was going to be a bad look.
I considered climbing over the fence into Mayow Park and leaving a deposit there - this was 05:50AM and there was nobody around.
Thankfully Millie (my friend's daughter) was at home akip in bed.
I don't think Millie has ever seen me at 05:55AM.
It isn't pretty.
This evening, a key safe has been fitted to the wall of my house.
Why it has taken 18 years of residing at this address to do this is beyond me.
And relax.

Do I win anything?
Like, is there a prize or anyfink?

[Beardy]

I hope you reviewed the reviews of keysafes by the lock picking lawyer on that utoob before you chose which keysafe was safe for your keys.

 

(click to show/hide)

none of them

[Jurek]

I hope you reviewed the reviews of keysafes by the lock picking lawyer on that utoob before you chose which keysafe was safe for,your keys. Spoiler alert: none of them.

I'm deft at picking locks/opening combination locks myself.
This key safe relies on being well out of sight.

[ian]

I do keep remembering to forget to squirrel away a spare key somewhere, every time I remember that the existing spare keys are now with people who have emigrated beyond the London pale into darkest Oxfordshire and Kent, and thus rendering their spare key services somewhat impractical. Less of an issue in Covid-times, of course, but when my wife used to be out of the country a lot, well, there was a chance I'd be sleeping in the local Travelodge. I'm doubly scared of the porch because it has a slam-lock door to the house and if I don't have my key to the outer door, that's that, I'm living off the catfood supplies until someone rescues me. At least in winter it doubles as the beer-cooling room, in summer it'd be more Cool Hand Luke to be stuck in there.

[chrisbainbridge]

When we built our house the garage had an electric door. Nobody understood why I wanted a keypad to control it.

[PaulF]

I’ve only ever lost my once in my life.  On a train returning to that London from leafy Cheshire. In my bag was a key safe that I’d bought the previous day to fit just in case someone came home “sans clef” so to speak.

[Ham]

I do keep remembering to forget to squirrel away a spare key somewhere,

in the context, <snigger>.