See a foot fetishist podiatrist.They can train or tame your toenails' growth.
I completely agree with Reg.
Thought you might like to to know right big toe burst very satisfyingly leading to great sense of relief and foul green outflow - surprisingly little of it given the excruciating pain it caused before popping. Taking advantage of the lowered pain level I got stuck in and scalpel/tweezered a nasty section of nail out of the gaping hole left behind. Only moderately infected now.
Get the nails removed.
Shall we take bets on whether septicaemia or gangrene will claim Tigerrr in the end or maybe he will just bleed out after an overambitious bit of home surgery.