TdeF 2017

[Torslanda]

Having read aloud to Mrs. Torslanda, she of the horned helmet and heavy metal breastplate, a several of M. le Maire's stage commentaries, the youngest is now wandering around saying:

'Marcel Kitteh. Can haz fish? Also, miaow'!

Mr. Weetabix, we have a problem . . .

ETA Youngest is also distinctly underchuffed that Nibali isn't riding this year.

[Beardy]

A request from a avid reader of P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® race reports: please can P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® drop the use of 1 in the footnote listings as this avid reader of P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® is finding it confusing, what with the !!1! All over the place.
Many thanks
An avid reader of P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® race reports.

[Samuel D]

Confusion is good, surely? However, the 1 in !!1! may be usefully replaced with one, i.e. !!one!, taking this gag to its ultimate conclusion or quite possibly beyond.

In fact, P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® may have already done this. I haven’t checked. One thing I did notice, chiefly by its slaying me every time, is the occasional full stop in names uttered by M Smith, e.g. “K. House” and “M. Beaumont”.

But these race summaries are hilarious on a lot of levels. In a bizarre way they remind me of Steve Bell cartoons, wherein one gag begets another until the result is high absurdity that is nonetheless followable. Not that dissecting humour is often a good idea.

[Mr Larrington]

Ever since the advent of live coverage stages like today's were more often than not dire and the full stage performance hasn't helped.  Which is why *** and Super Dave do the intro and then sod off for lunch, leaving M Smith and guest to comment from Vsquared's broom cupboard in That London.  But they're still streets ahead of anything Liggett and Sherwen ever served up, especially after lunch when *** goes slightly bonkers and Super D stops pretending to be interested.

The use of ¹ for footnotes is noted, especially as yacf's SCIENCE sometimes gets confused when you put extra formatting inside tables, though it does make life easier to use a numbered list for the footnotes themselves.

Taken to its illogical conclusion, stuff like !!1! has occasionally been rendered "!!1!eleven!", though not (yet) this year.  Of course, it makes absolutely no sense, coz the typing part is nearly all done on an iPad, on which "1" and "!" are on completely different "keys"

If you look carefully enough you'll spot that M Smith's sentences. Started out. Two words long. And have been getting. One word longer every day.  Except today, when either he didn't have much to say or I couldn't be bothered to count to seven.

[hatler]

Wahey !!  On the Beeb's live text coverage at 13.30 I got a tweet displayed. My first interaction with the Beeb via Twitter.

[T42]

P.S. that was a bloody boring stage.

What are you saying, the crash at the feed zone was a non-event? Well, ok, the cameras missed it, the rider involved looked unhurt, and the only damage appeared to be a dropped chain.

At least we have a few hills tomorrow, and some serious mountains on Sunday. This should develop the story nicely.

I must have been asleep.

[T42]

Ever since the advent of live coverage...

Ah. It's been live on the box here for the last 40 years at least.  I watch it on francetvinfo.fr with L. Jalabert, C.Vasseur & other veterans of the pharma era providing light relief, e.g.

Jaja: Vent! Vent! Bordure!
Omnes: EPO, vieux plouc!
Jaja: La gueule. Vent!

...but I wouldn't presume to imitate further.

Image quality is bloody 'orrible at times but that's OK if you're asleep.

[TigaSefi]

Long flat stages does nothing for me! All stages should be 130-160km every day with a minimum of two lumps

[woollypigs]

I say, I say we should vote and I would, for the tour to move to Yorkshire all the time I there is enough lumps around here to keep it busy for a few weeks

[Mr Larrington]

Today's word is "elastic" E-LAS-TIC. Elastic.

[spesh]

Breaks finding it harder to get away, and/or people getting shelled out the back of the pelican already, then.

[Exit Stage Left]

It's a measure of the success of British cycling that having three UK-born riders in the top six of the GC fails to excite much interest any more. Froome represents GB as well of course.

I blame street furniture for emasculating the sprint stages, it breaks up the lead out. Yesterday's was quite good, but it doesn't compare to the days of the Saeco 'Red Train'.
There's too much information in the racing these days, as was outlined in the ITV4 piece in power meters.

I mainly watch for the videography these days. The sequence with the bike on a tightrope has been the highlight so far. We were treated to a bit of an aerial ballet, as the helicopter manoeuvred to get the shot with the tightrope rider over the top of the moving peloton.

The other main interest has been in the number of people you can get in the bucket of a telehandler, and the occasional lodged crop of grain. I assume there have been a number of 'orages' during the hot spells in June.

[TigaSefi]

Cracking stage today. Funny how lumps makes everything exciting

[Mr Larrington]

A Démare:

No. No, it is not funny!

[T42]

I say, I say we should vote and I would, for the tour to move to Yorkshire all the time I there is enough lumps around here to keep it busy for a few weeks

How many 2000-metre lumps are there in Yorks?

[Beardy]

I say, I say we should vote and I would, for the tour to move to Yorkshire all the time I there is enough lumps around here to keep it busy for a few weeks

How many 2000-metre lumps are there in Yorks?

That's irreverant. It's Yorkshire, gods own county. Nuff said.

[spesh]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but you cannot tell him much. 

[T42]

Meanwhile, WTF?

[spesh]

It's a good thing that the TdF has proper road closures - apparently, the Demare group is now around 16km behind the lead group.

[spesh]

Meanwhile, WTF?

Comment from the BikeRadar thread:

Looks like the local populace have a major UTI problem based on the colour of that river!

[Mr Larrington]

A couple of good CDCs on the road just now

[T42]

Meanwhile, WTF?

Comment from the BikeRadar thread:

Looks like the local populace have a major UTI problem based on the colour of that river!

I reckon it was my old Audax buddy André at the Fairy Liquid again.

[spesh]

I see Calamity Jane* has taken over the cunning linguist mantle from Plucky Little Tomas Vaux-Clair. 


* h/t to the BR posse

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 8: Dole->Station Des Rousses

Bethany (7):	o hai bthny heer cant do teh tour AGANE coz mi mum sez we goin 2 vizit mi hipi nana 2da whoz reely old an smokes funy siggerets NOT FARE ,,,,sa hi 2 soupa d milla 5 whoz mi bff thinx hes ded peng !! lolxXx bthny
Bethany’s Mum:	Bef’ny! ‘ave u brushed yore ‘air?
Bethany (7):	Yes, Mum! (Aside…) Fukn old c-o-w!
Bethany’s Mum:	I ‘eard dat!
	FX: Slap
Bethany (7):	Owww! Here we see teh violence inherent in teh system! Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
Bethany’s Mum:	Shurrup, u little toerag! Or I’ll sell u 2 TV’s Evil C Boardman 4 teh medical xperiments rest day pogrom!
Bethany (7):	(Sotto voce…) yeah yeah u fukn c-o-w hes proberly a peedo!
NC Boardman:	Tch! I blame teh parents…
G Imlach:	Get ur hat, Super D, u’ve pulled roffle!
SD Millar:	I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, G Imlach.
Omnes:	5’ll run a mile if she sees SD Millar wearing a hat lol!
SD Millar:	U lot can get tae fck as well! (Sulks…)
N Boulting:	Cheer up, Super D! At least today haz teh proper climbs and maybe M Smith will have discovered teh sub-clause!
SD Millar:	Yarbles! Bolshy gr8 yarblockoes 2 u 2, *** Boulting!
N Boulting:	Remind me again which 1 out ov u and Bethany (7) is seven (7) years old…
SD Millar:	Wee-wee! Knickers! Horse poos in teh road! (Starts crying…)
P York:	I’m having second thoughts about teaming up with that lot!
	Meanwhile…
G Imlach:	O hai! GV Avermaet!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, R Porte! GV Avermaet?
R Porte:	O hai! GV Avermaet!
D Friebe:	O hai, GV Avermaet!
GV Avermaet:	O hai! S Cummings!
D Friebe:	O hai, S Cummings!
S Cummings:	O hai! Take it as it comes, see what happens, GV Avermaet!
Omnes:
	Shortly thereafter…
C Prudhomme:	U! Yes, u, boy! Get yore bloody hands off mi car!
N Boulting:	O hai! In fact, everyone is going 2 be in teh possibly non-futile break today. S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel!
SD Millar:	Not talking 2 you!
N Boulting:	Louis Pasteur!
SD Millar:	Meh! (Blows raspberry)
C Prudhomme:	OK. Off u fck!
	A Several ov Breaks ov variable Futility later…
N Boulting:	So iz this teh definitive break?
SD Millar:	(Forgetting 2 sulk…) No. Yes. Intermediate sprint. Elastic.
S Cummings:	C me bide mi tiem!
GV Avermaet:	Arse! Can’t u lot just let me get on with it? I’m teh Olympic champion FFS!
S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel:	O hai! I, S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel, multiple tiem-trial champion ov France, will do teh break 2da or die trying! Oh.
S Cummings:	C me bide mi tiem!
N Boulting:	PT Voeckler!
SD Millar:	GV Avermaet. Intermediate sprint. Momentum. Elastic. M Kitteh.
M Kitteh:	O hai! Fish. Also, miaow!
S Cummings:	C me bide mi tiem!
M Kitteh:	Sprint, sprint, sprintEEEE! Oh. Piss and, moreover, miaow!
A Greipel:	lol @ M Kitteh!
Omnes:	MUNKEH!
S Cummings:	C me bide mi tiem!
	After teh blipverts…
SD Millar:	GV Avermaet. J Hendrix. TD Gendt. AT Hun. S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel. EO Aquitaine. PT Voeckler. A Lincoln. M Kitteh. None ov them iz in teh break! WTF iz going on?
S Cummings:	C me bide mi tiem!
	Later…
Bethany (7):	o hai only got a sec coz mi mum an mi hipi nana an mi coole unkl jeo are all out in mi nanas gardin smokin teh funy siggerets,,,,,,, an giglin liek *** off ov teh tely when tvs niec c boardman maeks him do sumfink sily lol!
Bethany’s Mum:	Bef’ny! ‘oo u torkin’ 2? Hahahahahahaha oh! I dropped it!
Bethany (7):	No-one, Mum! (Whistles innocently…)
Bethany’s Cool Uncle Joe:	Outtasight far out!
Bethany’s Hippie Nana:	Thass teh first sign ov madness, that is! Pffthhlllrt!
S Uggs:	Leave it…
Bethany (7):	Anything happening with teh GC contenders yet? I want 2 see them make a proper race ov it!
M Rendall:	What did she just say?
Omnes:	No. Nothing GC-ish happening yet. And S Cummings is biding his tiem.
Bethany (7):	Oh. Bum. L8rs!
	Not much later…
SD Millar:	Reboot! Force teh pace! GV Avermaet!
N Boulting:	TD Gendt, J Bakelite! UT Cobley!
SD Millar:	Feed zone!
M Smith:	O hai talking ov feed zones iz tiem. U 2 went off 4 ur lunch.
R Downing:	This ^^^^.
N Boulting:	Oh, OK. But I’m watching you.
S Cummings:	C me bide mi tiem!
R Downing:	Eh up! S Cummings iz biding his tiem! Oh aye! ‘appen!
	Post-prandium…
N Boulting:	Enuff! A Démare – ‘liminated or what?
N Bouhanni:	Oh, I do hope so!
N Boulting:	W Barguil. S Pauwels. Virtual shinyjumper. Oh!
W Barguil:	O hai! That hurt more than an hour with Bethany’s Mum!
Bethany's Mum:	O hai, big boy! Hahahahahateehee! Pass it here, Joe!
M Smith:	Haven’t u 2 finished ur lunch yet this. Colemantating iz harder than it looks!
N Boulting:	A Talansky! Virtual shinyjumper!
C Knees:	Oomeknees!
C Froome:	O hai! Whoopsie! Where did teh road go?
N Boulting:	GV Avermaet!
	At or near teh village ov Cabbages1
Bethany (7):	o hai wots this bout mi mum an w barguil,,,,, she jus fell off her chare o god shes so mbarasin sumtiems…
W Barguil:	Errrrrrrr, grown-up Stuffs! Cut, FFS!
Bethany (7):	So, GC, then?
SD Millar:	Pregnant, with unexplored avenues.
Bethany (7):	How does anyone get pregnant without exploration? I don’t buy that virgin birth rubbish, y’know!
SD Millar:	(Turns funny shade ov puce) Er, um, IVF?
N Boulting:	$ky winding it up a bit now. Might all kick off on teh final climb but tomorrow's a big day as well.
Bethany (7):	Thank u, ***. At least there’s one person here who still makes sense!
	After what iz hopefully teh last lot ov blipverts
N Boulting:	25k, 90 seconds, w00t!
ML Maire:	FFS! MOAR fukn blipverts
SB Wiggins:	Buy! Buy a Skoda!
ML Maire:	Get tae fck, SB Wiggins! I’ve already got one.
N Boulting:	20k, 80 seconds, w00t!
ML Maire:	FFS! MOAR fukn blipverts
S Mug-Git:	Buy! Buy a Volkswagen!
L Calmejane:	O hai! Remember me? Not calling me “Sue” now, R U?
N Roche:	Piss!
R Gesink:	I ATE’NT DEAD! (Dies)
L Calmejane:	Owwwwwwwwww! Me legses!
S Yates:	O hai! I am S Yates and I am made ov teh Win! C me attack 4 teh juniorshinyjumper!
T $ky:	Oh no u don’t, m’laddo!
N Boulting:	Look, see, teh PT Voeckler Lolling Tongue ov Success!
L Calmejane:	I told u I was dead butch!
SD Millar:	Spare a thort 4 poor dead A Démare!
N Bouhanni:	Ur joking. Sa “yes” or I punch ur lights out!
Bethany (7):	No change up front, then?
NC Boardman:	No. No, there wasn’t.
Bethany (7):	ok ta niec c boardman gotta go an put mi mum inna taksi cu 2moro bai xXx bthny
S Cummings:	C me bide mi oh...
G Imlach:	Look, see, S Yates is on teh fone. Who do u think he’s calling?
NC Boardman:	Gotta be his Mum!
EC Boardman:	Or Bethany's Mum lol!

• Choux. Srsly.

[Pingu]

Oh noes, TV's *** Boulting missed the opportunity to say 'small Pasteur pipette of hope'